Catholic Hermit: Born of the Spirit

I would like to write more thoughts of the apostle John's quoting of Jesus, regarding being born of the Spirit compared to be being of flesh. Of course, we are all and all living things in essence born of the flesh, born of temporal matter.  But in order to enter into God in fullness of reality in depth of interior far beyond and in essence meaningful, we must be born of the spirit.

"Jesus answered, 'Amen, amen, I say to you, no one can enter the kingdom of God without being born of water and Spirit.  What is born of flesh is flesh, and what is born of spirit is spirit.  Do not be amazed that I told you, 'You must be born from above.'

"'The wind blows where it wills, and you can hear the sound it makes, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes; so it is with everyone who is born of the Spirit.'"

I'm trying to distract from physical pain as well as from a conglomeration of thoughts and memories--flashbacks--that have been bombarding since late yesterday, due to the coming phone appointment with the only priest I know of now alive and on earth, who I feel somewhat secure in turning to for help with spiritual and temporal discernment. 

While today's Gospel reading is that which speaks deeply to my soul, I have returned to this [above] Scripture from John 3:5-8.  It, also, addresses the dilemma that I face as a Christian, a Catholic, a Catholic hermit, a Catholic mystic, a Catholic victim soul, a human being in later years of temporal life--and somewhere along the spiraling double helix of spiritual development and growth.

I've yet to delve into spiritual reading such as by the late Archbishop Luis Martinez's work, The Sanctifier [the Holy Spirit].  The friend who emails now and then from afar who found the abridged and updated version by Sophia Institute Press under title True Devotion to the Holy Spirit, a week ago or so already wrote that the writing became complicated.  The person has returned to what brings more comfort and sensibility to mind and heart and soul--for that person--and that is in reading Scripture amidst other means of balancing out a lay person's temporal and spiritual existence which is more homebound due to the COVID-19 pandemic as well as being an octogenarian.

The person wrote last week that of anything I wrote in an email, the following line seemed providential and expressive of that person's difficulty in continuing the book.  I admit that the words came to me without my later recall, and I found it as if new to read, when she quoted what I'd described of my recent and current status when trying to read spiritual books, regardless how classic and profound.  

For me, I think it is a phase in addition to temporal intrusions:  higher pain consistently, the use of external distractions to cope, the increased hours spent bed-bound, the push of mind over body to try to do a few tasks around the hermitage and in the garden, and the looming situation I must discern, decide upon, and act or not act of which either one will be action.

The statement that had such impact according to the older correspondent and spiritual seeker, a Christian and Catholic of many decades, is this:

"Too many words upon words without touchstone of some sort of accessible reality."

It is a statement of providential temporal-spiritual status.  Some writings of spiritual merit do tend to become, truly, too many words upon words without touchstone of some sort of accessible reality."

But then there is the Scripture.  In the Living Word of God, always we have words, yes, but there always are touchstones of accessible reality.  Always.  And the touchstones vary as to which any given seeker, observer, reader finds to grab hold or to have the Word of words, to grab hold of our minds, hearts, and/or souls.

Thus, if all else seems to be too much, and we are unable to find a touchstone, a foothold or hand-hold to reach out and grab and retain even in the present moment or a bit longer, there is always Scripture for us that will always be not just words upon words, but Living Word allowing us to grab hold  of touchstones or of touchstones that grab hold of us.  We find accessible reality in God's Word.

God's Word be it Scripture or otherwise, speak in essence of profundity, of Holy Spirit love, to the soul that is born from above, that is born of the Spirit.  That which is of the Spirit is accessible and real to those who have been born of the Spirit.  There is no temporal way to explain it otherwise; those born of the Spirit grasp.

I'll now try to silence the words upon words that tend to constantly flow through my mind from without to within and within to without.  I need to be stilled enough to express what needs to be presented for the priest to absorb and then to give wise discretion and guidance to my listening mind, heart, and soul in order to determine an outer action or non-action, both of which will be inner action.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

lllegal Catholic Hermit: Reminders from St. Paul

Pain way up today--burning badly in lumbar and going down hips and legs into feet.  Feel like a cat on an electric fence--but am NOT COMPLAINING!  Am in rather a humorous mode after a morning of prayer and also of some horrible flashbacks of past ordeals when not hidden, when more in temporal Catholic parish life, and even in a few first years of my (illegal?) hermit vocation.

I was reading in St. Paul's letter to the Galatians and reminded of some truths from this Apostle of Jesus, called by God in a miraculous conversion and ongoing conversions.  Paul actually did not meet with St. Peter and the other apostles until a couple or three years later, as he went out into the desert to pray and learn and listen to what Jesus would teach him in the stillness of his soul.  Then he returned and met with Peter and a couple or more others of the Twelve, in Jerusalem.  Or so that is the historical time frame and circumstances of which some have suggested and written.

As a convert to Catholicism, myself, perhaps I'm more of a St. Paul type understudy.  What St. Paul writes to the Galatians makes terrific sense to me.

"Paul, as an apostle sent, not by men or by any man, but by Jesus Christ and God his father who raised him from the dead...."  

I admit that my mind has been reminded quite clearly and most definitely of that night, first week of February 2007, right after I'd moved into my lovely little hermitage I named Agnus Dei.  My angel came to me in a lucid dream, more real than my reclining in bed right now, having taken a Super Strength Excedrin to help tame the burning, bodily pain, my fingers tapping away on this (illegal?) hermit's laptop, my "window to the world," Bible at hand open to St. Paul's Letter to the new Christians of Galatia.

My angel appeared, for symbolic dream emphasis, dressed in a business suit, and for directness of message.  My angel spoke to me through a telephone even though the angel stood directly in front of me, those angel "eyes" piercing me with a look of serious intent per the message the Lord gave my angel to impart to me.

"You have not been living nor honoring the HERMIT LIFE that GOD has CHOSEN FOR YOU AND VALUES VERY MUCH!"

My angel's voice was stern and firm, distinct with clarity and louder than ever prior or since.  One does not forget such encounters, ever. It is as if it just happened, all so clear and the strength of voice and how it made me feel in that present moment of chastisement, I can live it as if right now.  I actually cringed when my angel used and emphasized the word "hermit."  Admittedly, even then I knew I had not wanted to use that h-word, the hermit word even though my profession and vow  had occurred over six years prior.  I felt that hermit seemed too harsh, too severe, particularly for my Protestant friends.

Well, in truth, it was myself who found it harsh and serious, for indeed it is!  But I had mostly considered myself a religious solitary if any label was required.  And all this I admitted in a thought-flash to my angel that night; and I also admitted in a thought flash, with much remorse and consternation, including true fear of the Lord, that I had not been living nor honoring the hermit life.... 

But until that angelic chastisement, from God to hermit via my guardian angel, I had not specifically known the seriousness and reality of God having specifically chosen for me:  the hermit life.   Nor did I in specifically know the awe-inspiring extent to which God values very much this hermit life that God Himself chose for me.  For me--this nothing much, non-descript person.

As an added effect, in this lucid dream, immediately following my angels chastising message, an adult daughter was nearby and asked me who it was who had called and been speaking to me. (Again,  this in the lucid dream, more real and actual than day-life.)  I thus immediately in stunned and ashamed horror, repeated to this adult daughter exactly what the angel had said to me, word for word, with emphasis as the angel had emphasized.  The Lord arranged all these elements to emphasize the reality of the truth He needed me to see and admit, to repent and to amend my hermit vocational life!

I awoke and set about to taking all to account, and I buckled down all the more to the eremitic vocation and to value it, honor it, live it in a way that I prayed and hoped in God would be pleasing to Him and as He desired of me.  I never again avoided the hermit word, of which mostly would be in my own mind, as I had no need to be interacting with others much other than errands or hiring some help now and then, or in confession or with my spiritual father--discussing the living out of my hermit vocation and life.  No more would I fear the hermit word; it is who I am and is my vocation while on this earth.

So all the more, now and this morning and last evening when reading St. Paul's words to the Galatians and also a sermon by St. Augustine which further comments upon St. Paul's message to the Galatians, I grasp that what St. Paul states is the holy truth, the living word of God.  And it has particular meaning for me at this time in my life and hermit vocation, 13 years after the shape-it-up-hermit chastisement message from God to hermit via my guardian angel.

For one thing, God chose this hermit life for me, I did not chose it nor did a man or men choose it for me nor me for it.  God chose this hermit life for me.  He expects me to live it, honor it, for God chose it for me and values this hermit life very much, not just a little:  very much.  So I extra get it when St. Paul states that he was sent by Jesus Christ and God his Father;  Paul not sent by a man or men to be an apostle of Christ.

Paul was surprised with the Galatians.  He was "amazed that you are so soon deserting him" [Paul] who called them "in accord with his gracious design in Christ and are going over to another Gospel [Christ's way, truth, life].  St. Paul then asks them, "Who would you say I am trying to please at this point--men or God?  Is this how I seek to ingratiate myself with men?  If I were trying to win man's approval, I would surely not be serving Christ!"  And then, Paul emphasized, "I assure you...the Gospel I proclaimed to you is no mere human invention.  I did not receive it from any man, nor was I schooled in it.  It came by revelation from Jesus Christ." 

So I must ponder this Living Word of God most seriously, for it has had great impact on my current situation as a Catholic and a hermit chosen for this vocation by God who values it very much, but yet not approved in this hermit life by a canon law §603 which was incorporated into the canons (church laws) in 1983.  In fact, I had always been informed by priests, a rector, monsignor, Chancellor of diocese, Vicar General, and a bishop that it was not necessary for me to be a CL603 hermit, nor was an annulment as no witnesses agreeable and not ever going to remarry. 

I was deemed quite acceptable and deemed a Catholic hermit with my profession of the three evangelical counsels, offering of my vow and rule of life, and nothing other needed but to live the life as the Church describes and sets forth in description, beautiful it is, under Consecrated Life of the Church: Eremitic Life §920, §921.  Was advised by the Chancellor/Rector/Vicar General to title my blog "A Catholic Hermit."  But that was 12 or so years ago.  Situations change with time and among the various Church hierarchy interpreting and advising per law and per spiritual life lived.

Of course, canon law is considered the source of church law over what the Magisterium states per the life of the church in The Catechism of the Catholic Church.  My discernment currently, and of importance to me now, is of what is God's will for me pertaining to my hermit vocation.  My own research is bearing out that the canon law 603 is the definitive form of hermit vocation and will be.  What I was told prior is no longer nor will it be in future, the way in which the Church (de jure and de facto) recognize the hermit vocation for individuals (in addition to recognizing new institutes of hermit communities and laras, and recognizing hermits who belong to the ancient hermit Orders (such as Carthusian and Camaldolese religious orders established centuries ago as religious orders of hermits living in community).

I must discern God's will in my particular situation.  I see the way of the present and future, and technically, in the ecclesial law, I would be considered in effect, an illegal or illicit hermit, or perhaps more political correct language might be, an undocumented hermit!  (Some in the secular world prefer the term "undocumented immigrant" over "illegal alien."  Both are the reality; one term evidently sounds less harsh and more palatable than the other.  But I am done with couching my hermit life as other than "hermit;"  I am fine with being deemed an illegal hermit and wonder if I ought title my blog accordingly?

It will be awhile before I receive official word from my superior, the diocese Bishop.  But reality is that current research on the topic indicates the way present and path forward, will be that the traditional type hermits of yore are not by law nor in fact hermits recognized as hermits in today's Church.  And that is all right, for we must remain current with the Church in Her more temporal but functional and evidently necessary additions to church law and functionality.

Yet I must factor what the Lord has told me, has chosen for me, and discern if He yet chooses and desires, or if He wills me to in effect have a do-over of profession and vow and rule of life.  It could get tricky.  My mystical life has proven to be difficult for most priests and thus far one bishop, to grasp and have background in understanding; none thus far have any lived experience with mystics or mystical experiences, but I was blessed with God giving me the late, dearest spiritual da for 24 years.

Otherwise, my Catholic existence was filled with much persecution.  Some had insidious envy that clouded their judgment and temperaments. Others had excitement until they became frustrated with some of the realities being more than they could logically grasp.  (Mystics historically have not been well received nor understood; it is an uncommon type affliction to be a Christian Catholic mystic.  Most were persecuted, hidden away, or killed only to later be considered marvelous and dear folks, after all.)  So I'm having some awful flashbacks and memories gurgle up to the surface.

And my new spiritual father does not quite get the problem that I by church law am illegal currently, not being a CL603 hermit, yet I'm not sure if the Lord desires that, which seems more not His choosing but rather a reversion that is more of what several years ago He showed me a vision along the CL603 lines and a particular bishop.  Within that vision, the Lord asked me, "Why would you want THAT when you can have me more DIRECTLY?"  Indeed, in that profound vision and locution, the answer was obvious; no one would want the other with its temporal complexity compared to the direct luminosity and freedom of God Himself.

As I ponder St. Paul, would I be serving Christ by trying to gain man's approval, vis a vis a bishop's approval of me per canon law after 20 years of being God's hermit per God's choosing me for hermit life?  Even though the Lord has formed me and had to prune me off and on, and sometimes severely, I am yet His hermit, His Catholic hermit, but of course in the Church per law, I am an illegal hermit and not a licitly recognized hermit.

It does seem that I should either be a legal hermit or remain an illegal hermit, and if that, to very much acknowledge that I am an illegal hermit, even if God chose me for the hermit life.  Even if Scripture states in various ways and verses of books in the Bible, that God's law is superior to man's law.  St. Paul is reminding of that reality, in that he was not sent by man or men, but was sent by God as an apostle.  I am reminded that I did not choose the hermit life, nor did a priest or bishop or other hermit choose me for hermit life, but God chose me for hermit life--a life that He values very much.  

I only and always want to do and be in God's will.  I want what HE chooses for me, even if that seems to not jive with a 1983 Church canon, although conceivably we'd think the ecclesial laws would coincide always with God's will.  The only lack of cohesion and the answer to it, is that the Lord did not want that particular bishop I was shown in the vision of a few years ago--8-9 years ago--and otherwise now might want other than my having Him directly now?

So I continue to pray, and Scripture very much provides answers or at least points to truths, always.  Why not wait until I hear word from the bishop?  Well, I can wait, unless God makes Himself clear to me that He prefers I be His hermit, chosen by Him, and God does not will or need me to be a legal hermit in the law or recognition of the Church.  Be just God's hermit, and in fact an Illegal Hermit, and write of life as a child of Christ, a Catholic Christian mystic, a suffering soul, living as a hermit but not legally a hermit.

This latter would be the more humble, perhaps, or seemingly so.  Jesus was not legally recognized as a prophet, priest, teacher, or messiah.  John the Baptist said Jesus is the Messiah, but John the Baptist had no legal recognition, was not a priest nor anything or anyone recognized by Jewish law.  Jesus and John the Baptist were essentially nothings, de jure and de facto, other than John the greatest prophet born and Jesus the Son of God, the Man-God, the Savior of all Mankind and the World.

A legal Catholic hermit who also writes blog posts, has written eloquently of why CL603 makes a hermit "free."  While I do not want to seem ubiquitously irritating, I immediately ask the question, "Were not any or all of the holy, even canonized saint Catholic hermits prior to 1983, then, free?    It would seem not.  Definitely in today's Church, they would not be legal hermits, and not recognized by the Church as hermits.  Was John the Baptist not free?  Were not St. Paul the First Hermit, St. Antony of the Desert, St. Mary of Egypt, St. Sarah of the Desert, St. Benedict (the three years he was a hermit), St. Bruno, St. Romuald, St.Godric, St. Nicholas of Flue, St. Seraphim, St. Charbel--and so many more--not free?

But I do "get it."  The late, great G.K. Chesterton, convert and exceptional writer, expressed how "frames" and "framing" provides improved and positive "definition" or defined perspective that life without "frames" lacks.  He uses the example of a theater stage, of the sides, top, bottom of stage, of the curtain that opens to reveal a scene.  All eyes of audience focus on that stage that is in essence a live picture on-going, portraying a scenario of life unfolding before the eyes of observers who become engaged as proto-participants.  Without frames, our view can tend to scatter; we do not observe as clearly or distinctively.  Aspects can be lost to us.  

So having a sense of freedom as enhanced by laws be it secular or church (canon) laws, can seem to have an effect.  I'm not sure if it is freedom so much as the effect of definition, of a security that comes when we are constrained in some ways, or are framed in. Yes, I get that.  I suppose the word freedom or being more free if a CL603 hermit, is debatable.  I've only lived the Catholic hermit vocation as a non-legal hermit.  And the other has only lived the Catholic hermit vocation as a canon law--legal--hermit.  We simply and actually do not know each other's experience.

I suppose it is all right to not be a free hermit, for we are truly--all of us--only saved and made free in Jesus Christ.

I can and do accept that my last 20 years are now illicit years, fraudulent and counterfeit years, per Church law, as I was not legally a Catholic hermit.  I face this reality with research and facts.  I did not feel not free, however, all these past years as a practicing Catholic hermit, professed, avowed, and living the hermit vocation in progressing phases of betterment.  Perhaps I felt free in the eremitic vocation as I was God's hermit.  Perhaps my freedom has been due to the Lord having chosen me for the hermit life, and I did not choose myself for it.  Yet I probably do not feel free now.  I am an illegal hermit, not a valid hermit per canon law. 

I will read over again St. Augustine's sermon on what St. Paul explained to the people of Galatia.  I may share excerpts in the next blog post, if they seem helpful to the furtherance of my discernment and of benefit to any of you readers who follow along and may also be illegal hermits, in effect undocumented hermits.

Above all else, I continue to ask the Lord His will.  Part of me wonders if I ought simply ask the Chancellor to not bother the bishop with my queries, for already I see from current research the answer, and that is that hermits of the Church now need to be legal hermits per CL603 or else hermits in bishop approved new institutes--hermit communities or laras, or in an ancient hermit Order.  The Lord through the Bishop and/or the Lord through my angel and priest director and priest confessor will guide me and provide whatever is now deemed best.  In the meantime, I will simply be an illegal Catholic hermit as I prefer honest discretion in the passage of temporal life aligning with the spiritual as best it can.

Above all else of earth, God bless His Real Presence in us!  Let us love one another as God loves, and love God in Himself in the Highest!

Catholic Hermit: Be Patient, Hermit!

Yesterday afternoon once more went to the bike park where are pathways in hilly area.  Walked, huffing and puffing, but I know this is best for the building up of muscles and stamina, more so than walking on flat sidewalks.  Not even walking far--in hills one is pushed more than the flat terrain.

Yes, there are similarities and truths to this simple image and action, to our spiritual lives.  There are obvious comparisons, as well, to be made to a hermit's particular vocation.  How easy it is to rationalize and justify to ourselves, as hermits, that the easier is as good or better for us.  Taking upon ourselves suffering or trials as some notion of austerity gone awry is like pridefully thinking we can handle going into the off-path stubble and uneven ground which can cause a fall.  As is said:  Pride goeth before a fall.  

This morning I've remained in bed on the icy pad.  The pain level speaks of struggle today; but it is a struggle against fatigue and an added edge to pain.  I have tried cutting down on med dose, which sounds admirable but must be factored with what that additional pain does to the body, mind, and heart.

Turning to writing as distraction, this nothing Catholic hermit emailed a spiritual friend whose found herself being placed by the Lord in a new locale and situation, but with two elder siblings who have miserable health problems--Alzheimer's and post-cancer side effect of "chemo brain" which mimics aspects of dementia's forgetfulness.  So my friend, whose spouse passed away 9 months ago after years of illness and decline, is settling into more care-giving after a recent hip replacement, of which she is thankfully recovering and returning to activity.

My email was rambling, as they can tend to be when pain up and all that goes with chronic pain.  I turned to His Living Word--always a boost to the spirits and guidance for the soul!  I found much to ponder, such as the importance of patience.  I need patience in the on-going effects of long-term suffering, and patience in desiring release from this suffering that is of God's allowance and providence; God knows what He's doing and why, what is best for our souls in particular, is what He provides, and suffering that comes in our lives brings with it opportunities.

We have the opportunity to accept the cross or crosses.  We have the opportunity to bring glory to God in suffering what at times seems insufferable.  We have the opportunity to be patient in the seeking to progress faster than what the cross seemingly allows, for sometimes the cross may feel heavier to our finite bodies and our minds' and hearts' perceptions.  What we must try to remember is that our perceptions can be deceptive, for our souls can do far more intangibly in the Holy Spirit's infusions of theological virtues:  hope, faith, and love.

So when my attitude began to droop--the suffering getting to me--the reminder from within to try to push through, to move beyond the body, the discouraging thoughts, the tired feelings of the heart.  God reached in with what seems non-significant, temporal disruption.  The neighbor couple on another street, sent phone message wanting to know if I needed anything from the warehouse store.  I asked for large container of non-fat yogurt; been reading that probiotics can help the stomach and intestines.

When the couple arrived a couple hours later, their kindness and the woman's energy, seemed to bring some sunshine behind overcast, as well as as the good of patiently waiting for energy of body, mind, and heart.  The soul abiding in Christ will be given what energy God wills and allows for His perfect purposes, and part of our effort is to discern even the energy, and to discern with the Holy Spirit's gift of wisdom, as to resting or rising, activity or response, and all with patience in accepting God's will in the present moments, and with patience in ourselves--depending upon what is discerned of energy to do or be patient and joyful with the energy always present:  to be.

Then came a response from my added thank-you message to the couple after they'd dropped off the yogurt. (I always pay, of course, and praise God that I have the financial means now to appreciate trying whatever means to improve or at least not make worse from any not doing whatever within means potentially helpful, to assist the body God gave me.)  What the woman wrote surprised me, for I chastised myself after they'd left, that I had not somehow made myself be more "perky."

The woman phone texted that I am an inspiration.

Well, not today, really, is my honest assessment.  I will not pretend otherwise, for I'm remaining on the level path, so to speak, still flat on the bed, but trying to write this Third Sunday in Advent's "gaudete" thoughts, of which the joy is not visible in body and maybe not even in mind or emotions/heart, but there is yet joy in the soul.  God still gives me the rest of the day to keep striving in the theological and cardinal virtues, of which patience is prominent to the pondering with the Holy Spirit, in the silence of solitude.

And I responded to the neighbor's saying I am an inspiration, by saying am not so much in reality, today thus far, but that her saying so makes me desire to pull up and out of my impatience with self, impatience with the body not cooperating--or else it is impatience with the mind--or I suppose a weakness of the will to not enervate the body.  But all this impatience, when turned to being patient, allows a deep breath in, and out; patience is a gift from God and not a force of my will.  Gifts of God are of His will, to be appreciated as gift of His Triune Divine Nature, and utilized accordingly.

Be patient, hermit! You've had response from the loved family member--an answer about a gift specifics for a grandchild.  You've been given energy yesterday, and the gift from God to push through pain for the walk on more challenging and health-beneficial terrain, and energy to finish what seems mountainous of a task that is more a prayer for others in the doing than what it will mean otherwise as gift.  You still may have the energy of the Holy Spirit stirring my will to push through and try a walk today, or some other task besides remaining in bed.  

With and in whatever God wills, provides, and allows, be patient in all!  Be patient of others and of self. Above all, be patient through, with and in His Real Presence.  Pray for patience, and praise God as the gift is given for the taking and using and appreciating!  Allow the being patient in present moments permeate the body, mind, heart, and soul.

"Be patient, brothers and sisters [and hermit!] until the coming of the Lord.  See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, being patient with it until it receives the early and the late rains.  You too must be patient.  Make your hearts firm, because the coming of the Lord is at hand.  Do not complain, brothers and sisters [and hermit!], about one another, that you may not be judged.  Behold the Judge is standing before the gates. Take as an example of hardship and patience, brothers and sisters [and hermit!], the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord"(James 5: 7-10).

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Praise the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit:  for patience!

Catholic Hermit: Discernment, Temptation; Water Over the Dam

I admit to some discouragement in the past day.  The pain was starting to get to me, and then some.  Always the Lord reaches in with His guidance, His strength, His help in times of trial, small and great.

As to trials, discernment, and temptation, lo and behold!  This selection presented itself in one of my online, daily, spiritual readings.  From The Catechism of the Catholic Church:

"2847  The Holy Spirit makes us discern between trials, which are necessary for the growth of the inner man, and temptation, which leads to sin and death.  We must also discern between being tempted and consenting to temptation.  Finally, discernment unmasks the lie of temptation, whose object appears to be good, a 'delight to the eyes' and desirable, when in reality its fruit is death.

          "God does not want to impose the good, but wants free beings.... There is a certain usefulness to temptation.  No one but God knows what our soul has received from him, not even we ourselves.  But temptation reveals it in order to teach us to know ourselves, and in this way we discover our evil inclinations and are obliged to give thanks for the goods that temptation has revealed to us."

Honestly, who'd ever anticipate such a selection at just the time so needed?  Yet this happens to us repeatedly:  the miracles of our everyday lives!  God provides!  Yes, I've been dealing with temptation to despair, to give up attempting to keep striving in strengthening muscles that once out of the temptation and cloud of painful trial, I am reminded just how long it can take for bones to heal, plus muscles, tendons, and ligaments that have been cut through on either side of my spine--about 10-12" worth.

But I have not considered all that God has given me, for my soul; nor have I thought through the reality that this trial of immense unknowing of so many aspects physical and spiritual, is a trial that the Lord is gifting me.  Temptation to despair over the consistently higher levels of pain I've had to endure for this stretch of time, gives way to my now considering the usefulness of this temptation.

I am knowing myself better than ever.  I've been given facts from research that affects those most loved on earth.  The Lord has shown me some

As for water over the dam, it is actually " additional flaws and wrongful inclinations that have caused the unfolding over time, of effect on others that in turn, causes others to mirror some of these very wrongs that have come from my flaws.too much water over the dam."  I was reminded of this aphorism after situation played out yesterday, quite briefly.  

Not quite a year ago, in a locution, my late dad intoned this to me:  Too much water over the dam.  At the time and now, I know what he was referring to in a relationship situation.  I'm now living out the consequences of a flaw in which way back, without realizing the future negativity, my lack of discretion and lack of verbal self-control in venting some feelings did damage into the future of now.  Even if valid, when impressionable ears are around, the venting of observations, the criticisms born of frustrations, play out over and over, passed down--the sins of the father, so to speak, repeated in the sons.

The outcome, the consequences, are oh-so-painful to the heart.  I praise God for revealing my flaw, my wrong doing, way back and for letting me experience the effects in being treated to the repeated effects, likewise, now.  And what is more, the damage is done; too much of the water is over the dam; there is no retrieving it now.  I can only accept these consequences, pick up:  myself, my evil inclinations, my temptation to despair over the loss--and move on with a few more scales removed from my eyes and a heart pierced through my own fault, my own fault, my own grievous fault.

With resolve to not repeat the flaw and to pray all the more with hope in God for those I've influenced by my past-but-infectious wrong doing, today I took up the goods of the temptation to despair yet again over what I have wrought and now am living out still in that situation.  There is only going forward now, and letting go of the other.  In fact, I must forbid myself to the temptation to reach in; only God can recapture water that has poured over the dam, and in this situation temporal time has also passed.  Too much water and time over the dam.

Although feeling fragile with the trials of this greater time of physical suffering and lengthy debilitation, I knew I needed to try the one phone number I've put off calling.  A man's name was given me by the parish secretary, and his phone number, over eight weeks ago.  After the unhappy results of the phone conversation with the woman the parish nurse had call me--the volunteer who was not at all a volunteer but rather a person wanting employment at hefty hourly rates--I did not have the courage to call this man, try this other phone number.

Today I did.  I left a message on his voicemail.  I had no idea if he, too, is someone seeking work beyond what I could afford and beyond what I need.  In my message, I tried to explain that I need another person or two for an occasional errand, given my recovery from spinal surgery is not progressing as thought and desired.  

Somehow--I have no idea--the message must have concurrently, weirdly, gone through as a text message to his phone number, in addition to the voicemail.  I had a response on my phone's text message, a simple "?".  So I texted this time, and explained I'd left a voicemail on his phone, but evidently it also alerted his messages, and wrote out a shorter version of the voicemail.  I expressed my need, and to please call me if this is something he or someone else he might know, could possibly do.  

I have my temporal need down to someone going to Costco for me and loading up on a variety of food supplies so that I'll be stocked for a couple or three months.  (I'd also left a message with the older parish couple who went to the grocery and brought some fresh produce, perhaps three weeks ago, by now.   Time flies....  But they have not returned the call; they may be on a trip as was the case a couple months ago when I called initially, asking their help.)

This evening I had a call back from the parish man!  He explained some his situation.  He retired from his work at age 55 with the intention of volunteering full-time instead.  He is soon to turn my age, and is quite willing to do a Costco-run for me.  In fact, he is coming in the morning to meet me, take my shopping list, and I will also give him my debit card with access to pay for what will be pricey--but the bulk foods will last this hermit for a long time.  Of course, I will also gift him with money for his kindness and effort, and I've asked him to let me know any prayer intentions I can delve into.

As it turned out, I did explain why it is that I am in need of a support network--and why it is that I do not have contacts established in this area or in the parish.  Regardless, I immediately felt uplifted, as he also spoke of how important it is to keep up the spirits after a surgery such as I've had.  He evidently knows the trickiness of spinal operations.  

The Holy Spirit has certainly taught me in practicum, the very lessons and truth written in the above Catechism  selection.  I've been asking the Lord to please help me, I've been asking my late parents and spiritual da to help me, and I had just texted, asking prayers of the couple who were so incredibly kind and helped me in my previous ordeal where I lived for 5 1/2 very arduous years.  The phone call from this man came between texts with the couple.

I'm in for another rugged night of higher physical pain, but my spirits are lifted by the amazing power of the Holy Spirit and the power of prayers answered.  Yes, when I really needed His touch and assurance in my facing more of my self, learning more to discern between trials, and in not giving into temptation to despair of managing both physical pain and my current temporal subsistence, yet also in accepting too much water over the dam....  That's done; it's gone.  Will there be ever new water filling in?  Wait and pray.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit Continues Manual Labor, Praying

Have appreciated the daily Mass Scripture readings.  The Lord speaks to us in His Living Word!

Although am physically weary from pain, age, and life efforts, I will continue today with the praying while laboring around the hermitage.  After several days of helping family members prepare their house for selling, am returned to hermitage.  Then made another journey to the lumber yard early yesterday to pick up a very good deal that Craig offered this hermit.

I noticed when at the lumber yard returning some fence wood that we did not need at the family member's house, a double-paned, solid wood, exterior French door in the store's "bone yard."  (The bone yard is what many lumber companies call their area of returned items, usually special orders returned by customers for one reason or another, and then discounted to sell.  Bone yard deals have helped this hermit immensely in rehabilitating this hermitage.)

Yes, Craig made a deal I could not pass up.  The door is an inch or so shorter than normal exterior doors, but it will be lovely to replace an old, vinyl sliding door.  It's odd size will fit just fine since that side of the room has a lower ceiling line than the normal 8', while the ceiling then vaults to the other side to 11' or so.  An inch or two is not going to matter, in door height.

Since my summer helper is evidently not going to be assisting any more (Mass situation probably too difficult and awkward for his parents to assimilate and accept--and can't blame them), the new neighbor boys have been eager to help out on occasion.  What is marvelous about this development is that they ask far less per hour than my young Catholic helper wanted, plus they can just walk to assist even in something relatively small as helping unload the new and heavy French door from the pick-up, Precious Blood.

Tomorrow one of the teens will return to help install it.  God provides!  Each door weighs a substantial amount, and this old hermit cannot lift them nor hold them steady and at the same time screw the hinges to the frame.  Our guardian angels do so much in helping us--and that includes arranging for helpers when we need!

As for my summer Catholic helper and his parents, I did call and leave a message, offering the work to him first out of loyalty and love.  But already, with finances continuing to dwindle, I was open to the new neighbor boys and their much lower hourly wage-requests.  I always consider that God provides in the way He wills and desires.  Perhaps there is some reason for the hermit to interact with the new lads, for the summer helper will always remain in this hermit's heart of prayers.  Such a dear and sweet boy and lovely, loving family will always be remembered with prayers and thankfulness.

Looking back upon the priest and Mass situation at the area parish, it most certainly would seem terrible to others--and quite judgmental of me to have said what was seen and sensed within.  Only God and this hermit and the spiritual father and the priests and spiritual friends who have known me for years understand that I would never have seemingly judged, thus, had it not been for the intensity of the unfiltered state during Mass which senses so clearly truth, beauty, goodness--and also that which degrades, is unhealthy and counters truth, beauty, and goodness.

This nothing consecrated Catholic hermit is at peace with acceptance of what has transpired since and in obedience to my spiritual father.  The Lord has been teaching much in the past three months of mostly the silence of solitude, being hidden from the eyes of men, in praise and prayer and penance!  What is a sacrifice is proving to be prayerful offering for all priests, for all parishioners, for the Church, for this my soul and all souls--here and in eternity. 

God Bless His Real Presence in us!  Little children, let us learn to love to live God's law of love--the fulfillment of all laws.  Love God and one another!

Warning and Blessing: Detraction

Detraction of others in any shape or form is a pernicious sin.  Like pine gum on the fingers, removing detraction from one's thoughts, words, and actions requires more than soap and water.

Detraction belittles, denigrates, lessens, smears, puts down, besmirches, diminishes, deprecates, depreciates, condemns, mocks, disparages, slanders, libels, and bullies others.  Most often, the poison of detraction trickles or erupts from anger, envy and malicious criticism.  Detraction serves to lower another's self-esteem and standing as a person among peers, as a child of God.

Wrongful judging occurs in detraction.  Rightful judging is that which derives from thoughtful observation, wise and holy discernment, by those whose position is to rightfully judge.  The intent of rightful judging is to discover truth and desire justice.  There are few occasions other than in the legal profession, in which we are likely to be called upon to rightfully judge.

Discernment is more a personal matter of which we are to make critical judgments regarding ourselves, our actions, our thoughts.  Discernment of self is necessary for spiritual growth; discernment of others is not so necessary.  If we honestly discern our own thoughts, words, and actions, we will have enough information to make changes in our lives. Self-discernment, thus, will replace the temptation to deceive ourselves that we are only "discerning" others, when in fact we slip into judging them.

For example, a young man came to do some plumbing when this hermit was yet ill.  He ruined some plumbing parts, made vital errors in placement of holes for pipes, and misspoke about code.  The hermit detracted the young man by discussing his wrong-doings with others, as well as slipped into anger over the wages paid and costs to replace parts and redo the project.

Holy discernment would have provided the hermit with all the truth it needed--without detraction of the plumber.  Had this hermit privately recognized the young man's errors, that would have been enough to know what actions to take in remedying the plumbing.  If the errors had amounted to great sums, there is legal recourse via the law of the land.  In this situation, prayer for the young man, privately letting him know he had erred, and giving him opportunity to make right his wrongs, is the correct course of action--not detraction.

A key element in rightful judging and wise discernment is factual truths and what we do with factual truths.  If the facts upon which we base our judging and discerning are not true but more our opinions, then we slip into wrongful judging and wrong discernment.  We next can slide on and into detraction if we think, write, or speak based upon our inaccurate facts or upon our opinions.

Jesus is clear on how to avoid the sin of detraction (which does include wrongful judging--and best to avoid judging unless by profession a judge in the land's justice system!).

"Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.
Stop judging and you will not be judged.
Stop condemning and you will not be condemned.
Forgive and you will be forgiven.
Give and gifts will be given to you;
       a good measure, packed together, shaken down, and                overflowing, will be poured into your lap.
For the measure with which you measure will in return be measured out to you"  (Luke 6:36-38).

[Yesterday while consolidating grains of rice from one container into another, the marvelous image of a good measure came clear.  While pouring the rice it seemed the canister could not possibly hold all the grains.  The nothing Catholic hermit tamped the rice, shook it down, and what seemed impossible for the canister to hold, poured in with space remaining!  How pictorially metaphoric, Jesus' words!]

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Little children, let us love one another!  Refrain from any temptation to detract others. Let our judging and discerning be of ourselves, for therein is the greatest opportunity for growth--and blessed gifts--of remaining in His Love!

Settling Into God's Stream

Such a lovely time away from Te Deum House and into civilization but was quite ready to return.  The daughter has noticed the transition effort in being in temporal comfort and then returning to the hardships of this place.  

Dom Scupoli's writings in the particular chapters being read address sloth--not simply spiritual sloth but the temptation to cease working at a task when there are so many tasks as to be overwhelming.  He then asks of the reader to make the spiritual connection, as well.

There is great progress with the little grandson in mastering a youthful and very human tendency to grumpiness when something does not quite go his way, or when some project or schoolwork is frustrating.  He seems to respond to the little suggestion God gives his "Gaga" that each step and thought we take or have is a step toward goodness or bad, heaven or hell.  Just the little reminder, and he pulls right out of a bad attitude.  Ah, but his Gaga could do as well when the physical suffering exhausts the body, and the dark angels try to trip the mind and spirit. 

But there is progress outwardly here, and within, also.  The good is grasped more and more from what appears as otherwise negative.  A helpful conversation the other night with the spiritual father brought about his assessment of whether or not this "nothing" Catholic hermit is being moved in the direction of not belonging to a parish, or at least that God seems not willing active involvement if involvement at all, other than of love and prayer for all peoples on earth as it is in heaven.

He thinks God is not willing this hermit to be in a parish.  What has occurred, is the rather fearful, awkward, leading to uncharitable, reactions of the parishioners and priests seemingly due to an atypical but not unheard of state during Mass.  And when the waters have been tested otherwise in small involvement, the nets have come up empty.  It is quite simple, and the reality is set out and becoming more a direction than coincidence or fault of anyone involved.  It just is as it is; and that is a good thing, for negative is merely the opposite of positive.  Change and adaptation:  Growth is at hand!

The reality of God's unique and individual desires for each and every soul is beautiful!  We grow and go in a flow, and the stream is not as predictable as we might think.  The spiritual father suggests trying the monastery for weekly worship; or if a parish for worship, then to anonymously and quietly come and go.  He does not think God wills this hermit to be a parishioner or belong to a parish.  Our conversation included those hermits who were not at all parishioners.  It was not easy to think of any of which we could identify in history, who were.  None came to mind.  The fact of privately professed, Catholic hermits being consecrated religious, helps define the difference and provides reason and understanding.

Mother Teresa was not a hermit by vocation, but neither was she in a religious order after she left it to follow God's call to "help the poorest of the poor." She also was not a member of any parish.  Much later she was called upon to formalize the women working with her, and the Missionaries of Charity were born and organized as a religious community within the Catholic Church.  

The spiritual father and "nothing" conversed on several noted persons in the history of the Church (including John the Baptist) who can come to mind, who were not in parishes.  If they had been in a parish setting, their religious lives and spiritual desires and emphases--well, one can ponder how that could be problematic with the every day efforts of many parish priests and parishioners.  

["Repent!  Repent!"  Now, that would not gain favorable inclusion, would it?  John the Baptist would not likely pass the scrutiny to give a program to elderly parishioners.  And  Jesus did not find loving welcome in His hometown temple, that is for sure, nor other temples of His day, either.]

We can also compare and contrast the various scenarios with today's parishes, as we exist in the present moment.  And a hermit vocation is not the same in the living out as that of a parish priest or one in a religious order, or a lay parishioner, any more than their vocations are the same in the living out as a hermit's vocation.

All this causes this "nothing" Catholic hermit to ponder anew its vocation and the chastisement over eight years ago by the Guardian angel:  "You have not been living nor honoring the hermit life that God has chosen for you and values very much."

That was a jump-startling event, causing more focus and effort in living and honoring the hermit life--which needed to be deepened through prayer, awareness, learning, listening and making some changes in outer and inner daily life.  We can see over time, no matter our vocations, the shifts and the wanderings, and then the herding and guiding that comes from His Real Presence in both tangible and mystical ways.  

It takes earth time, and it takes willingness to adapt and submit and to accept the gradual or sometimes blunt alterations.  Now is a time for adapting and submitting all the more to honoring the hermit life God has chosen and values for this "nothing."  

What causes the heart to sing?

That is a very good question to place beside various thoughts and actions throughout the day and night.  When a stream is flowing as God wills, the water sings as it tumbles over the rocks, or when it slithers silently--barely perceived in stretches of calm pools.

Nothing now must consider for worship: Mass at a nearby monastery.  [It is of a different rite, but that ought not matter in these circumstances.  Presumably, if the apostles were alive today, they would be priests of various rites in either the Western or Eastern Church.]  If "nothing" attempts worship again at a parish, then is to come and go without comment, politely decline answering questions if any, and ignore (as Jesus had said to "nothing" previously) the criticisms and judging from wary priests and parishioners. 

This entire process has nothing to do with anything other than discerning, now, more, the unfolding of God's will regarding group worship in a specific hermit's life.  

God does utilize situations in His created world and with His created people to help guide and direct His each and every created soul.  We are to cast our nets even if we have cast them before.  Time evolves, and the fish move along unseen in water's depths.  Nothing is permanent in this life--no matter if a hermit or monk or nun or priest or lay married or single person.  

We must live and honor the vocations of our lives which God has chosen for us and values very much, and this means there are shifts and adaptations and alterations along the way by which the Lord teaches us faith, hope and charity.  We must remember always that these three greatest of God's gifts go beyond a pew, some structural walls, a town, city, country or continent.

Once we begin to open our eyes underwater as part of the flowing stream, and within the proper, peaceful flow and elements, our hearts begin to sing.  Then we are living and honoring that which God has chosen--even if we see or find that outside the waters, there is hardship and contradiction.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Little children, let us love one another for God Is Love!

Thanks Be to God

Thanks be to God for many temporal details, lately.  My computer hard drive crashed.  That was a blessing because my pain was out of control, and the head pain was becoming unbearable.  If I'd had the laptop, I would have written and written from a point of pain beyond coping, no doubt.  The darkness would have been too dark and incomprehensible, probably misunderstood, and fodder for misjudgments.

Only those out there who have experienced heavy suffering of the sort that takes the mind to another dimension and that of deep despair, would have grasped.  One of the last aspects of spiritual distress that I recall, is that of making it to Mass on Monday morning.  After what was typical for this parish, parishioners and priest--of which the state of such tends to be reflected or sensed within, throughout the Mass, any Mass--the woman of the very first day's conversation asked to speak to me.  Then another woman joined her.

It was The Inquisition.  I tried to remain very kind and patient, and I did my best to answer their questions which were put in accusatory manner.  The one woman repeated her current judgment, despite my explanation.  I finally tried to sweetly and firmly point out that perhaps she was beyond her capacity to grasp and experiential level, and that it seemed a bishop, a priest of many years, as well as a psychologist gifted with the paranormal have more ground upon which to stand in assessing what the week before I had suggested she just stop trying to analyze and let it be.

The other woman got into that it could be the devil, and yes, it could, but no, it is not.  That has all been dealt with, although I have no doubt at all that the devil continues to attack in various ways.  It seems he was busy using others to try to figure out and have their theories rather than their paying attention to His Real Presence in Mass.  The devil may have been quite successful, also, in having these women think it was their duty to give me a hard time of it, and to scrutinize and judge.

I never minded when a bishop did so.  That seems more the task of a bishop or even a parish priest.  This particular parish priest avoids any contact.  But he is part of the mix there, and why so little going on, the spiritual ebb flow low.

I did commend the women on their at least speaking to me.  Others do not--not a smile, not a "hello", not a glance as we are all leaving or outside.  I suggested to the two Inquisitors, that we try to just let the analysis drop, leave it for those others, if any, whose business it might be, and get to know one another as Christians.  I said there remains still an itty bit of sense of humor remaining, and I laughingly pointed at my shoes and that my feet are on the ground, and I'd love for them to visit me in my fixer upper, or to ask me to join them for a cup of coffee, and to talk of other than what is difficult to grasp and does not really matter, or should not.

But the encounter was deeply foul, as well as the situation spiritually there.  I called the spiritual father and reported to him, but also by then the physical suffering was so great, that my returning to this particular parish was not feasible.  When I called after I realized my having been taking the wrong medication for the head pain and not realizing it sooner, I could better explain about the Mass at that parish, the priest, and the encounter with two of the handful there.

Is this parish and this priest some kind of assignment for me?  My spiritual father does not know. He mentioned again how critical is the priest in parishes, for unhealthy ones tend to propitiate dis-ease.  As the leader goes, there go the followers.  We discussed, from the conversation I had with the women of which there was more than I have commented above, that these people likely are content with their parish and spiritual lives and not wanting other.  My silent, immobile presence had irked them, that was obvious.  Yes, there was much more to the Inquisition.

At one point, one of the women asked what I sense of their parish.  I did not want to say, but she asked again.  I put it that there seem to be some issues there.  It was not easy to throttle the words so prominent, but I held them in.  The best descriptor remains:  Creepy.  It is so sad and creepy.  How I wish I did not sense things so deeply, and even more deeply during Mass. Painful.

It is concluded for now that I will need more direct and obviously discernible instruction from God before I will return.  This may be a scenario of people entangled in the heavy nets just beneath the water's surface, and my trying to tread water and cut the ropes and try to help--but not at all what God wishes of me.  He may be saying again:  Swim on out into the deep.  They will be all right.  God is taking care of them.  Who am I?  I am nothing.

My spiritual father reminded me that people and situations aren't going to change over night.  But he also does not know if these people desire more.  Seems not.  I desire more, though, and my own spiritual life is hindered and weakened when I tread water and try to be where presence seems negative.  I asked Jesus the other night, "Lord, where is the freedom? Where is the joy?"

The immolation that I am to be may be this tremendous life of physical suffering and hardship, and the deep, spiritual suffering of seeing and experiencing what is and not being able to do anything about it--other than get swimming out into the deep and uncharted (at least by me) waters.

I've admitted to His Real Presence that if I am to not pay any attention to such as these women, or the others, or the priest or the essence of the unhealthiness sensed during Mass, that I need more strength and more graces and more assurance to return.  For now I pray for all of us, yet from a distance.  There is much work to do both spiritually and physically right here, in the plight of Te Deum House and in my imperfect soul abode.

There are so many other prayer concerns coming into our spheres of consciousness, even in the growing soul awareness, the spheres melding and evolving in one progression in His love, in His Real Presence.  Tend these prayer needs of so many other souls and circumstances.

Press on, press on.  Thanks be to God, the grace and strength to press on, not quite knowing how or where to press, other than press on.

I give thanks to my^* God always for you because of the grace of God that has been given you in Christ Jesus, ⁵for in every way you have been enriched in him, in speech and knowledge of every kind— ⁶just as the testimony of^* Christ has been strengthened among you— ⁷so that you are not lacking in any spiritual gift as you wait for the revealing of our Lord Jesus Christ. ⁸He will also strengthen you to the end, so that you may be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. ⁹God is faithful; by him you were called into the fellowship of his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.  (1 Cor 1:4-9)

Good Fruit, Bad Fruit

"Ye shall know them by their fruit."  (Matthew 7:16)

I have pondered this recently, in light of some friends mentioning someone who has never met me had publicly judged and discerned the mystical state I have had during Mass that began nearly six years ago.  Of course, others may think what they want, and it is natural for people to try to analyze and figure out what seems unusual or atypical, especially when it comes to the supernatural or mystical.

There have been many others who have tried to figure it out and have judged.  Some judged one way and then later changed their judgments.  It is true that I am the only one to rightly discern, other than perhaps Dr. H. who is thus far the only person I know who has any actual experience with such things and who has known me for nearly three decades.  However, one can be deceived.  Yet, over time and with research and prayer, and given years of other experiences, the discernment process sorts itself.

Some could say that the fruit of the state at Mass has been bad.  There has been much suffering as a result, not only the physical suffering of people causing physical injury in their not understanding for whatever reason (genuine concern or upset and angry), but also emotionally for me; it has not been handled all that well by others.

My spiritual father says he blames the priests for not handling it well, for not dealing with it and dealing with parishioners regarding such matters.  Close friends remind that the Catholic Church as represented in people, has never been that good to people who have mystical experiences.

The question that comes to me, is:  Whose or what fruit is bad?

Is it the fruit that comes from the state itself that is bad?  Am I at fault, for the bad fruit, that seems to come from the state at Mass?  Or is the bad fruit of those who react to the state and to me as the person they perceive as causing it?

Who or what is the bad fruit then?  Is the bad fruit resulting from people (priests included) who shun or who fear or who judge or doubt based upon a not-unheard-of phenomenon, even if somewhat rare?  Or is the bad fruit resulting from me who started experiencing this phenomenon a couple weeks after a dream vision and locution in which my angel lead me to and said I was being shown the stairway to heaven?

Is the bad fruit a result of my obeying a bishop who told me to stand or walk around--as he and someone he consulted thought I had some kind of inner control over this when prior he thought otherwise?  Is the bad fruit a result of my being honest in describing the state and any messages or insights emanating from it?  Is the bad fruit due to my obeying a monsignor and not answering people's questions in one parish, or in being honest in others?

As a friend wrote this morning, I had been given a beautiful gift that I was willing to share despite it being personally embarrassing in its visibility, but that others have feared, judged and shunned for the most part, as a result.

So from whom does the bad fruit of this situation come?  Frankly, all had been rather blissful other than when shown occasional, situational, negative, temporal intrusion in the Mass.  Regardless, it was profoundly spiritual in the fruit of the insights and message and its sign of the power of the Mass and all Sacraments in the Mass as the stairway to heaven--until others reacted negatively.

The negativity and "bad fruit" of others' negative and hurtful reactions has caused me to ask His Real Presence as to why I was called into the Catholic Church over 19 years ago.  It is good to review and ask the question.  Was it to come to this point of exile?  Is He now calling me through to some other side or dimension of the Catholic Church--or through to some aspect beyond the temporal aspects of the Catholic Church?

Or is this all part of the call to suffer, and somehow I am to suffer for the wrongs of the temporal aspects of the Church which are undeniable in history and yet today, for wherever there are humans, there is evil and sin as well as the propensity to love.  It is all in our free will, given us to choose:  nastiness or good.

Or am I to take the peace and love I offered but has not been offered back, and move on to the next place?  What and where is the next place?  More the spiritual, more to love God and others, beyond the physical and temporal?  (It is true that I have offered talents and gifts and attempted much good in the past many years only to be hindered--usually by priests--time and again, within the Church.)

Another friend, a life-long Catholic, has emailed that this abusive way is the way the Church has always mistreated Her mystics and saints.  Why, I wonder, does this seem to somehow be the accepted practice?  Can we not learn and grow from such as that, into something better?  But I then consider what Jesus' fellow Jews did to Him, and God the Father, the Source of all beingness and energy, allowed it for salvific purpose.

Good fruit or bad fruit.  Which thoughts and actions do we choose that result in one or the other?

But truly, I yet ask His Real Presence, is my material presence in the temporal Church finished?  Is this exile meant for a period of time or for the rest of my earthly days?  Am I to now be more universal in outreach, to go beyond parish parameters, so to speak, and more into the spiritual and mystical realm of love of God?