Christian Catholic Mystic Hermit: Question Asked of How to Become a Hermit

 I've had this question for quite awhile, and I pray that the person sees my encouragement and response to his or her question, as follows:

Hello, I am contemplating to be a Catholic hermit here in the Philippines.  How do I start?  Do I rent a place and beg for donations to survive, but the thought of being given to God every moment of life is simply spiritually fulfilling.

[This answer is not really the answer to how to become a Catholic hermit, per the questioner's interest and desire per se.  After 23 years as a consecrated Catholic hermit and an additional time prior, formally in a community of hermits, then under clerical direction, and then several years prior in gradually being formed by His Real Presence--I prefer not to go back over the temporal how-to's in much detail; my blog has those aspects.  I'm more interested in the questioner's seeking spiritual guidance via prayer and also in speaking with a spiritual guide as well as doing reading of early hermits--biographies and their own writings.  Prayer, though, is primordial in receiving answers from God on if He wills one to be a hermit, and then in what path and in what specifics.  His Real Presence is the best to teach and tell us the answers.]

My response has taken a long time due to my hoping the person has by now read back through more of my posts, or done a search of my posts for how to become a Catholic hermit or also Catholic Hermit.  But my simple answer is to discuss the vocational call and desire with one's priest, and to pray about the thought of the hermit vocation, and talk it over with His Real Presence, in prayer, within the mind, heart, and soul.

That is a start of which I am sure the person has been praying and contemplating, as contemplating being a Catholic hermit is within the question asked.  And per usual with all of us, we tend first to consider the temporal aspects, such as where do we live as hermits, and how do we survive as a hermit.

And along with the contemplation of becoming a Catholic hermit, we contemplate the beautiful longing to be close to God, to be living in essence, more freely from the world through, with, and in God every moment of life.  We desire spiritual fulfillment.  

All these thoughts and desires, and indeed, these can be God's will for all persons to have ourselves given to His Real Presence in a deep and unifying way while we exist yet in this temporal world--by withdrawing in some basic aspects from this temporal world.  One main aspect is as the questioner mentions--living apart, such as renting a place to live, presumably, of course alone, in solitude.  

But if readers dig around in my blog posts, a few years ago or more, to find out how to become a Catholic hermit, I am staunch in Scriptural guidance of the Apostle Paul, that if we want to eat, we must work for our sustenance.   Or, if disabled, to have disability pension, or if retired, to have retirement pension, or if our parents have passed on, we may have an inheritance of which if a substantial, then donate or bequeath the unneeded amounts to charity or heirs.  (Anthony of the Desert made sure his younger sister had a place to live and would be taken care of for life, financially, but then donated the rest of his late parents' money and possessions to the poor, as an example.). If the inheritance is modest, and our disability not enough to pay our bills monthly, then use that portion as savings upon with to draw, for in our times inflation and health care costs, end of life care, can be quite costly. 

I believe strongly and live accordingly, that anyone, including Catholic hermits, ought not beg from others nor accept from others, free services or items or accept money from anyone.  For one thing, I believe we ought remain fully anonymous as Catholic hermits to others around us, since most Catholic hermits in today's world (or anyone seeking solitude or a place to live) cannot simply go out into the desert and build a mud and straw hut, nor go out into a forest and build a wood hut, nor go up into the mountains and find a cave in which to live.  All lands are owned by someone, be it government, tax payers, or individuals.  Squatting is against the law in some places, and it is unconscionable morally to take advantage of others' property, anywhere.  I also do not believe in living with one's parents in the family home if a young person who wishes to become a Catholic hermit, as one young woman was approved to do when young and an eager bishop who was new to a diocese decided to give her the recently incurred canon law 603 diocese approval.   She quietly left within the year, having not at all lived in solitude nor out of the public spotlight, and decided instead she wanted to work with children yet still wanted to start some type of religious order in another country.  Being noticed and also have her way paid for, became a theme and underlying goal in this person's life.

If a hermit is to work to earn his or her way in life, to pay the bills, to pay the government taxes (which is quite Scriptural per Jesus' instructions to Peter to pay the taxes required for Peter and the Lord, each and both), then I find based on the aspects expressed in The Catechism of the Catholic Church, under Consecrated Life and hermits or eremitic life, for privately or publicly (diocesan CL603 hermits), the work ought be that of hiddenness and quietly performed.  Working in a parish or hospital, while might seem delightful and worthwhile, does not qualify as hidden nor solitary nor silent.  Earning money by offering "spiritual direction" to others, being paid for that service, when hermits ought always consider ourselves humbly as perpetually students of Christ and never having arrived at a point of selling what spiritual insights we may have learned over the years of prayer, penance, silence, suffering, spiritual reading, contemplation, or lived experience in the hermit vocation.  

Freely given, freely give is another jewel of guidance from Scripture for a hermit new or old to the vocation.

For the questioner, my advice remains the same over the 23 years I have been a consecrated Catholic hermit, plus an added two years initially of prayerful consideration, and much reading and research of the lives of hermits through the ages, of which I consider the Old Testament prophets, some of them, hermits as well as prophets.  I'd read and study the lives of the early hermits including John the Baptist and on through the desert fathers and mothers, and beyond these into the lives of hermits, religious solitaries, from all the ensuing centuries.  Reading of their lives from primary source research, and then if cannot find primary source writings, read and study writings based on what others observed of these Catholic Christian hermits.  By reading of their full lives, not just a year or two in which they removed themselves and then decided to or were led to form a religious order or such of others joining them, does not give the accurate path forward.  

To live as a Catholic Christian hermit, the point is not to soon after or even while contemplating the vocation of hermit, to then want to be a leader or start a group or community of followers with the idea of living together. This includes even one other person--to live together as householders--such as two women or men living together in a house or apartment  despite lavras having developed in past time periods,  usually Middle Ages.  Living together or in close proximity as a group of hermits loses the basic premise of solus Deus, God Alone!  Living alone with no human to speak with other than an occasional helper or a medical doctor or occasional contact with a family member or some other as a matter of charitable need or procuring materials required, doing business with, arranging for some payment or work needed doing--this type of  solitude, from my experience, is necessary in order to truly be alone with God and to have the utter dependence upon Him in the darkest and loneliness times, as well as in the celebratory times of praise and thanksgiving with God Who is All and Only in the hermit's life.

I admit that my recently getting first one dog had become a necessity medically, given that my pain had progressed to a point that I was no longer able to get up by using mind over matter, mind over the pain.  Getting up and keeping mobile is the only means of delaying lower limb paralysis as well as bladder and intestinal paralysis, the latter which had already taken hold.  (Arachnoiditis was discovered by a neurosurgeon four years ago after three and a half decades of spine-related, intractable pain that permanently disabled me from gainful employment and consistent functioning.). So I decided to do what I'd read is a good idea to do:  get a dog that forces the Arachnoiditis afflicted to get up in the morning and several times a day.  (Dogs need to go outside for bathroom needs as well as to be fed and exercised.). My first pup was so compliant and quiet, that she'd let me stay in bed until after 11 a.m.  When the Arachnoiditis, which includes neurological symptoms and problems such as sinus infections becoming severe and lasting for weeks to over two months, would have me so ill I could barely do other than get the pup outside a few times and fed and otherwise I was laid out in bed for weeks on end, the dog became depressed.  It was suggested to me to get another so that they would play with and exercise each other in my bedroom.  The brother pup has a different temperament so insists on my being up and taking ithem out before 8 a.m., and otherwise when my health precluded activity, they do indeed play and exercise each other, so my responsibility is minimal.  I will note and advise, as far as having a pet or two, I'd not do it other than for medical reasons.  If I become paralyzed from lumbar down or intestines and bladder paralyzed, all three of which are givens if an arachnoniditis patient lives long enough, then my solitary life of silence and prayer, penance and praise of God, plus my financial situation being low income and inheritance draining monthly due to cost of living more than my disability income--all the markers and necessities of being as the hermit vocation provides, would be disrupted. I'd have to have a caretaker tend me or be in a care facility for low income persons, meaning in a ward or double room, having to exist with other people day and night.  It is the same if a hermit takes a job that is around people and involving people actively in conversation or services other than occasional and minimal speaking or interactions.

So the above gives examples of why I even discourage pets, and at some point I will need to rehome my two dogs, especially the one that kept growing despite being of the same parents as the first one which is small.  The large one can be problematic despite how loving he is, to my body which is aging as bodies do.  And for me with a knee needing replacing, when well enough I take them to a nearby dog park to run freely in a fenced area.  This includes, then, some brief and passing interactions with other dog owners.  I pray to make the interactions as meaningful as the Holy Spirit inspires or sets up for me to do so.  I always come away with many prayer needs of which I consider prayer to be, of course, a mainstay of a hermit's efforts and purpose here on earth.

And this stream of consciousness response to the person asking how to become a Catholic hermit has not delved into the most important aspects, which are that of the mind, heart, and soul's desire and being called by God to this eremitic (hermit) vocation as a Christian and in the Catholic church's tradition of hermits from the earliest time of Christianity.  (This is why John the Baptist is considered, also, a forerunner of the hermit vocation, for he was a hermit figure and type prior to being called by God into more public ministry as a herald of Christ, to proclaim the Messiah and identify Jesus as the Son of God Who has come to attain salvation for all.  The humility of John the Baptist, the way he fell back as nothing to Christ's preeminent all, as Son of God and savior of mankind--this humility is something any of us hermits, Christian and Catholic, ought contemplate and hold as a basic guide to our daily life decisions and way of being not only temporally, physically, but very much also as spiritual guide and substance and essence of our mind, heart, and soul's beingness.

Christ must increase; I/we must decrease.

This truth guides the hermit's vocation, the hermit's daily way of life and being all through until our hidden and quiet temporal deaths.  In the meantime, we die daily to ourselves, and at the same instance raise up Christ Alive and His Teachings as well as raise up Christ Crucified, humbled and sacrificed, died and buried, then to rise

I promise to pray for this desiring person in the Philippines, and any such desiring person who is drawn to further discover God's will with the potential of living life as a Christian religious solitary, as a Christian Catholic hermit, either privately professed or publicly through the process known colloquially as "canonical approval" for hermits who want to be thus associated and linked to a specific diocese.  Or, do as I and most others historically have been called, and that is to private profession of vows and the three evangelical counsels of poverty, chastity, and obedience to God.  At first and for awhile, it is wise to have a holy priest or mature spiritual teacher to guide the newly consecrated hermit as well as, of course, to recognize and trust fully in His Real Presence, the Triune 

God in Three Persons (Father, Son, and Holy spirit) will always be the penultimate guide to form and lead the Christian Catholic consecrated hermit into the silence of solitude, hidden from the eyes of humankind, in poverty and humility outwardly and inwardly, in prayer and penance, in praise of God and in the trials that come with such an austere life style due to the solitary and silent nature of living one's life for God with no fanfare nor notice, and omnia pro Deo, all for God, and through, with, and in Solus Deus, God Alone.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Love in His Love!  Prayers and loving support for all those who are contemplating an eremitic vocation in the Church--the Body of Christ of which Christ is Head.  Private or publicly profession of vows and evangelical counsels is but a small beginning of what is a vast and ever-flowing, widening, deepening growth in closeness and increasing union with God who consecrates the hermit to Himself when and how God deigns to do so.

And keep in mind, all hermits are human and vacillate in living the vocation, depending on our living the bases of hermit life but also according to our obedience to and in His Real Presence's guiding of us in each detail of our lives, as is true of any Christian. Live the Gospel as the perfect rule of life; live and follow the teachings and lived example of Jesus Christ, and God will guide and bless the hermit through whatever ups and downs, strong times and weaker ones.  My prayers are with you and with all Christians, and with those called to the hermit vocation, also, in especial kinship and loving appreciation for your prayers for me, much needed, as well.  Thank you!

Catholic and God's Hermit: Seeking a Word

Upon awakening, the pain did not seem to immediately register but the world did, opening the eyes to daylight and the green of earth outside the window.  I did not want to be awakened to another day of suffering.  So I began to praise God.  That is my "technique" for countering my reaction to living with pain.  God understands fully; He knows my body, mind, heart, and soul in this world and out of this world.

Took the hours' past-due pain med, stood up, very weak, but went to kitchen:  coffee, oatmeal, back to bed to sip and eat reclining.  The usual routine, this, and added the magnesium, calcium, D, K, and B-12 vitamin supplements.  (I'm doing all temporally, physically possible that is blessedly available to try in building bodily energy so that I might get up, dress, and cope with this consistently higher level of pain.  I'm grateful to God for the many blessings given me in the temporal.  But I am utterly depleted physically.)

Text Dr. H. and express the temporal pain experience and of my losing ground in the physical.  For when up getting the coffee and oatmeal, my legs are weak.  The entire body feels as if having to push to just stay upright to do the simple motions of coffee machine and to cook the easy oatmeal.  It is the same every morning, but this one am even more weak in body.

I comment upon R., the man who last fall spoke on phone in three-way conversation including Dr. H. who knows this man.  R. had a miraculous relief from pain to a point of being "cured" as if through a focused breath "technique".  I'd listened last night to another lecture by Dr. Bernard McGinn, this one on the prayer life and advice of various mystics of earlier centuries.

McGinn, in his life-long study of Christian mysticism, points out that people can but prepare ourselves,   Develop a prayer life that usually begins with verbal, then mental or meditation on God; for Christians this includes aspects of Christ's life as well as the Trinity--the love of the Holy Spirit that binds Christ the Son with God the Father.  McGinn then comments upon prayer at some point becoming more of a contemplation of the Trinity-- a more wordless and imageless form of prayer.

The scholar and theologian emphasizes yet again in this particular lecture, that we cannot make experiences happen, that a mystic cannot make himself a mystic nor to have legitimate spiritual experiences occur.  Not everyone will be a mystic in that more extreme aspect.  He gives as example that many can play basketball but not all will have more talent, not be on the pro teams.  And he stresses there is no technique in particular that will make a person a mystic with mystical experiences.  Yet we all are to prepare our minds, hearts, and souls with the desire and openness to receiving God, to desiring union with God, and prayer is a means of preparation.  Prayer is our communication with God.

But God alone infuses the grace or graces.  He imparts graces through and of Himself and His Son Jesus Christ, by the power of the Holy Spirit.  All we people can do is to prepare ourselves through love of the Trinity and through the exercise, if you will, of prayer.  And to pray constantly as St. Paul mentions in his epistles-- many of the early mystics explain is to have our intentions be that of always directed or focused in love of God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. So prayer becomes our way of life, our existence, by means of intention as we cannot always practice or exercise prayer in conscious gradations:  verbal, mental, contemplation. 

Dr. H. texts about calling later today.  He says he might be able to offer some techniques to help with the pain or perhaps my sense of fatigue and inability to seemingly get up and function much at all.  I remind him that it is not a matter of techniques, all this situation. I add that two people could do the breathing techniques that R. did, but not have the result R. experienced and I assume is still experiencing the remission of physical pain. God allowed R's outcome due to God giving that grace, that miracle.  However, I text that we can discuss the topic of "techniques".  (Actually, it is mind, heart, and soul preparation, practice--that of prayer.)

Perhaps there will be good from discussing as I need feedback verbally, or so it seems.  I sent an email yesterday through chancellor to bishop regarding my understanding of the need for balance, a reassurance that I have a grasp of these matters of temporal and mystical "worlds" and describe what I mean, and of the necessity of being "grounded".  I emailed twice to the parish priest, further sharing some spiritual thoughts and understandings.  

By having written emails (including to try to express some of these thoughts to a quite elderly friend), I recognize I am feeling a need for discussion--but what I really could use right now is feedback with those who would have knowledge of or life purpose in such matters and topics.  Dr. H. is best for that, it currently seems, for the clerics are too busy to just "talk" or correspond.  I knew and know this, yet was unrealistic in reaching out.  Dr. H., while not a religious, does have mind and soul interest in such matters.  Also a major benefit is that he has known me for years, is innately wise, expeirenced, and has time and availability.

The very elderly friend I emailed is not interested even if Catholic, to have email nor spiritual discussion.  I know this; yet my need for discussion or feedback right now is so strong that I emailed the other day, regardless.  I know there will be no response of any spiritual matter or aspect.  I do know the person prays for me and has a spiritual life, of course, a prayer life and daily lectio divina (reading Scripture in personal, interactive-with-Holy Spirit,  meditative way). 

But when in a transition phase in particular, so much is being opened up by the Holy Spirit, in the mind, heart, and soul--one must go with whom God reasonably provides.  So Dr. H. it is!  He has always possessed prescient wisdom from the early years, and he has interest in God and spiritual matters; all this counts.  Plus, he is a gift of God.  

What I'm trying to point out for those readers who are seeking God, is that we take what and whom God provides when needed, and it may not always be a priest, bishop, or anyone ordained.  Go with God's flow.  I had even thought in recent days that I'd love to be able to contact Dr. Bernard McGinn for discussion and to ask some questions!  But I realize God has provided Dr. McGinn through his lectures online on various topics per Christian mysticism!

Sometimes, no matter the particulars or breadth of silence of solitude, we find a need to discuss with another, the matters of the mind, heart, and especially soul--which all do affect and interface with the body, temporal life.  I'm realizing I miss the late Spiritual Da who provided that occasional contact, for as one grows in the spiritual life, the contact does not need to be frequent.  

The soul weans away from such need for human discussion or as it was called by early desert hermits--seeking "a word" from a more progressed, wiser, older hermit.  The hermit needs a jump-start, so to speak--so travel miles to the hut or cave of an older hermit and once in the old one's presence, asks:  Father, give me a "word".  So it is similar in our day that we ask for some advice or counsel from a wise, spiritually attuned, other.  The "word" from the elder hermits would usually be brief--some wisdom or even a saying that the seeker then could take to ponder and meditate upon, and put into practice.

In my case, some has to do with the bodily pain, of course--which is complicating this current, major, transition phase.  I finally made the tangible effort to call the pain doctor and left message with his medical tech--essentially asking for a "word", as well!  I want to know if the neurosurgeon request went through and if they've had any feedback, for I've not received a call from the neurosurgeon's office in the three weeks or so since the pain doctor told me he was referring me for the intrathecal pump surgery.  So we ask for a "word" in temporal matters more often than what we'd recognize as similar to the "word" a spiritual, a holy God-seeker would ask on spiritual matters.

Mostly, we seek a "word" when we read Scripture, the Living Word, the Word of God, or often simply stated "the Word."  And for those well along the way, the path, in seeking Divine Union with God, when we read His "Word," we are reading at a depth or level of understanding in that the "Word" becomes God's speaking to us directly.  

The "Word" that Jesus gives me today is that He is sending the Advocate to help me--the Holy Spirit, and that Jesus has to leave the world in order for Him to send the Holy Spirit in His place.  Jesus could not live indefinitely as God-Man on earth, for His mission on earth was that of showing us the Way as we live on earth, and to die for our sins and salvation, and to show us the Way forward in our own dying physically and of our rising, but of the Way to God spiritually, also, while we are on earth.

I'd best stop writing which I'd prefer to do, and get up for the second cup of coffee, and then add the protein powder to the vitamin water, and simply get dressed so that I will be at least physically readied to try to perform some physical tasks that might help me distract the mind from physical pain as well as to being to strengthen muscles that are unused.  I must try.  I have no idea if this is "it" for me as far as being bed-ridden, but I must at least try to build some muscle and stamina.  I've been through prolonged phases of major transition before, but none have quite been like this.

I noticed in an old blog years ago that I was in a spiritual transition, and these transitions do tend to also involve the temporal aspects of body, also.  But then I'd written of calling the Spiritual Da, and he said, "You HAVE to pull out of this!"  He used to also say in minor transition phases that also affected the body, "Get out and back into the gardens!"  Manual labor, in other words, and especially for me, working with the plants and trees and earthly hummus, would help my body pull out, and through which there generally would be some sort of breakthrough within.

Also, as God Himself through the Love of Jesus Christ His Son, and by the power of the Holy Spirit will give us a "Word" within our inner beings.  This level of receiving a Word from God Himself, is a grace.  But we do all we can of our own volition and tangible means and preparing ourselves to be open to receiving a "word" which is from God Himself, God alone, solus Deus--meant for ourselves but a "Word" to us within us, always is beneficial and rather universal in effect and helpfulness.

Dear God, the physical pain in this body is fatiguing and depleting to a point that I find myself not even breathing regularly, often, and definitely not deeply.  It is as if the body itself wants to shut down the breath in order to rise out of this temporal form of such physical heaviness and pain.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Hold onto, nourish always, Faith, Hope, and Love in God!

[The pain doctor's nurse called and gave a "word."  Others are experiencing increased pain due to weather.  The referral just went out to neurosurgeon a week ago and can take awhile before I might hear from that office.  Go out when there is sun and try to absorb the D from sun.  Try to do leg movement when up to get blood circulating.  "Hang in and hang on."  I'm reminded that seeking a word for temporal means is useful and helpful.]

Catholic hermit, God's hermit: Awaiting What's Next

I read this Gospel the other day, of Jesus Christ according to St. John 15:18-20a, and since.  Of course it seems deeply meant for my soul.  Yes, I know it is meant for everyone.  But Jesus is speaking to me and desiring me to remember it beyond my mind and heart.  Remember the Word He speaks to me in my soul.

"Jesus said to [me]: '...If you belonged to the world, the world would love its own; but because you do not belong to the world, and I have chosen you out of the world, the world hates you.  Remember the word I spoke to you....'"

This is the reminder that I do not "belong" to that world--and He has for many years tried to get me to not only understand but also to accept.  That world is needful, good, His creation; it just is not where God wants me to linger.  It is not the out of the world where He wants me to be in order to fulfill His purpose, the mission He's given me from the beginning.

Years of preparation and progression, years of delights and trials have passed.  For years God has been patient with me and still would be--if the pruning and now this major pruning as if truncating my body to nearly a stump, were not sufficient.  There might be yet more pruning, though.  Who knows but God?

I am going to try very hard now, as I've made another acceptance--what I call a "full acceptance."  Made it at the counter on brief time up for cup of coffee this morning.  But who knows, truly, but God if my acceptance is actually "full".  I've made full acceptances before, and asking God to use me as He wills.

I feel sick unto death.  In other words, the pain is so sickening and now am so depleted with this major crucifixion of the  major transition, that I would like to die in order to be in union with God forever.  Sometimes the pain in the feet and the sensations, or then the heart pain, has me concerned that what is within will become external.

Tell myself not to be concerned; it won't matter whatever happens, not really.  I'm in transition and perhaps already transited.  Likely so, this.  Who could really know but God?

What I do know is that I do not mean nor intend to rile others, but I fear perhaps I have in writing even what it was that I needed to absorb that has helped me let go of that world and opened and understanding the why, now, of the need for being taken out of that world and transitioning to what is next, that I can grasp in the intellect and understanding but no further.  Again, only God knows fully what it is when chosen out of that world.

I've written emails today to those I must not pester.  Writing continues to be what helps me get the mind out of pain.  However, a thought as come to try not to write, at least not emails.  I am writing to those who are not going through this major transition, at least not at this time.  They have their own transitions, and my prayer is that of transitions leading to union with God in the very real and conscious sense of the mystical reality of Divine union with and in God the Father, through the Son, and by the power of the Holy Spirit.

For this is what the Trinity desires of us.  For this we were created in the ultimate, eternal, mystical sense.

I'm trying, also, to not be concerned that this level of pain not continue, for being in bed most of the time for days on end, or then getting up and doing a couple or three hours of manual labor and then being down in bed for several days more--the practicality of such an existence is not going to be viable if it continues for a long time.

I'm listening to more lectures--not writing notes, not concerned if I do not remember details or even if the bodily pain or otherwise intrudes on the listening and the remembering on surface.  I trust in the Holy Spirit that it has come into the inner sense through the outer senses, and there is good the Lord has for me in such as now, some review of the prayer that is the mystics' contemplation of, with, God.

The writing must slow and be less until the time is otherwise, through the transition phase and when and if God has something for what is next.  In the meantime, if I write such as now, these bits and pieces, it is partly due to flight from bodily pain at a sickening level, plus such as the Word of Jesus, shared above from John 15.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: Why Accept Pain?

One of the final words the new spiritual father, the hermit-priest, said to me as we parted Monday afternoon after meeting and discussing, and praying for God to bless the encounter and whatever next, were to "come to a peace" or something close to that.  Was of seeking and encountering peace, and I found this so of the Holy Spirit, for peace is the very gift of the Holy Spirit and the bequeathing of Christ that so often I myself recognized is wanting, especially when the suffering becomes quite rough.

I did hear back in a text from Dr. H. last night, following my most lengthy texts written to him regarding the proposal to form our own group based upon the book The Power of Eight, and to try the formulaic procedure (what to me seems gimmicky in certain ways, and "new age," for those who are opposed to Christianity in their lives and personal relationship, faith in Christ Jesus).  Dr. H. said he was working 12-hour days so could not read all I wrote, but hoped to on the weekend and to be in touch via phone then.

I texted back to not bother to read all I wrote, but that I knew for me, was not my path--not a power of  eight group, nor power of seven, nor even of two--but that I know all my thoughts and texting, my research on the author and her writings and experiments, was good for me as the Lord needs me to more fully accept the power of pain, and to trust what I've been shown and told over the years mystically and spiritually, and in circumstances.  Also, that I must stop complaining of my pain.  

But that, yes, we can touch base on the weekend.  Perhaps on the phone I can try to explain once more, why it is that I know the Lord is not choosing for me a great release from physical pain, and why I've come to learn that pain is not the enemy; suffering is not the enemy.  Of course, we want for ourselves and others less suffering and all goodness of the temporal world; on this day of praying for the protection and legal rights of humans in the womb and those elderly at risk of euthanasia, we want a relief of suffering and pain, of murder of innocents.

Whether we pray or we focus "intent" for the good of mankind and of souls, there is a good in people banding together in goodness and concern for one another.  But when we read in Scripture the words of Jesus, saying "Where two are three are gathered,"  Jesus very much includes "gathered in My Name," and in other wording, "in the Name of the Father" or "calling upon the Holy Spirit" regarding prayers of the faithful, of us human souls who know Jesus Christ personally, who have faith in God, who experience the gifts of the Holy Spirit.

But all my lengthy text messages, delving deeply into various facets of this situation that arose--ironically in juxtaposition of a most unexpected and spiritually rich encounter with my new spiritual director, the hermit-priest--came this proposal that is more for people who have no faith in Christ, or if they do, may not trust the power of a single prayer, or even have come to accept suffering if it be God's will, or in all of life, to desire only God's will, to be in the Divine Will, and to have surrendered ourselves fully to Divine Providence.

This situation regarding the Power of Eight experiments seems now more something the Lord wanted me to dissect, to consider, to write out from my inner mind and heart, to try yet again to explain to the kindly and caring Dr. H., but more so for myself, why it is that when offered an experiment of this type, I balk; and instead I choose to accept the pain of over 35 years.  

Yet, also, why do I accept the pain medication which tones down the pain somewhat--not much but enough to help my body temporally cope--or that I am fine with the pain doctor beginning the process of an intrathecal pain pump which will require some suffering of its own in a 3-4 hour surgery, even if my body responds well to an external trial, and the reality of needing a replacement in 5-7 years should I yet be alive?

Why, years ago did I offer myself and all my sufferings to God to use as He wills?  Why was my mind and heart and soul inflamed and inspired to write out a vow of consecration of suffering 20 years ago this February 13, of which various priests have witnessed in my verbal renewal of this vow, over the years?

Why is it that even though Dr. H. witnessed and also asked questions regarding my suffering and pain, of God Himself in a rare and unusual mystical occurrence in June, 1988, and received answers from God and other holy ones on the other side, from heaven, which Dr. H. tape recorded and suggested I transcribe, which I did--that Dr. H. was not affected by those answers, and doesn't even remember specifics?  Why does it seem my added mystical experiences, the locutions and events of which I've shared with him over the phone, seem not to have impact in him, so that he continues to think in terms of finding some method or technique that would cause the pain my body suffers, to go away or be alleviated?

Why is it that we humans are looking for what we think is new, or a formulaic experiment or process that will bring about results from the use of our focused minds, or scientific hypotheses and modalities, despite supernal and mystical encounters with God and His saints, angels, and our own loved ones on the other side, in heaven or in progression toward heaven?

Why are so many people opposed to the word "prayer" or to Jesus, or God, or the Holy Spirit, or anything to do with what they call "organized religion"?  

Again, why would I accept pain over trying a seemingly simple, formulaic experiment of 8 people focusing their minds in loving intent for my pain to go away while looking at a photo or image of myself, for ten minutes at the same time each day, for fourteen days--that a writer has devised and tried out in experiments regardless their adherence to strict norms of research but with some varied yet some positive results, and called The Power of Eight?

The Lord has helped me sort through the thoughts and questions.  For one thing, I have deep faith and believe in Jesus Christ, and over the years I have come to trust in God's will regardless what I or others may think would have been a much more productive life, what would have been better at least on the external aspects for my now-adult children, and as some have said over the years--thinking of what all I could have done had I not been disabled by pain.

I also recognize yet again, that I can write of and verbally share with others the locutions, visions, mystical encounters, ecstasies during Mass, and various encounters with God, Jesus, Holy Spirit, angels and saints, holy souls passed on, and my death experience--but repeatedly and over 35 years and even before then, it is as if the persons reading or listening may seem as if understanding and taking it in, they really cannot absorb or fathom, nor even remember.  

This reality helps me understand why so many people do not read the Scriptures with the same absorption or faith, or do not participate in Mass with grasping and experiencing the supernatural realities of the living God, Christ, and Holy Spirit.  It is why so many Catholics and others in the various Christian denominations and worship groupings, do not have a real and internalized relationship with the Holy Mother of God, the Virgin Mary.

It is as it is.  But for those of us who have been touched deeply, who have been born mystics or who in life have experienced even one numinous, mystical event that alters our way of perceiving the temporal and the spiritual worlds, or for those with the gift of faith and to the degree of even blind faith in God, in Christ, in the Holy Spirit--we grasp, we fathom, we have capacity to understand some and even more that God may reveal to us.  We pray with increasing love of God in Himself and God's love for others as well as ourselves.  

We can read the lives of the Christian mystics and the words and experiences and teachings of prophets, saints, of Jesus Christ, Son of God, and of the Holy Spirit, the Third Person of the Trinity--and we have no difficulty trusting and understanding that of course, this is truth.  We don't need to have science prove an existence of Noah's ark, or have metaphysical or mythological thinkers come up with alternative explanations of Jonah three days in the belly of a large fish or whale, or that Job not a real, historical person.

Yet, we are not bothered if such explanations and discussions are posited.  Our inner sight, our inner grasp, our inner understanding and acceptance does not require logical explanations or proofs.  We have been touched by not only the finger of God, but by the Living Word, the numinous of the Holy Spirit, the reality of Jesus Christ, Son of God and the God-Man.  The virgin birth by the power of the Holy Spirit, the reason for Jesus' life among us, the sacrificial death on the cross for reparation of our sins and for the salvation of all mankind, the resurrection and ascension of Christ, the conversion of St. Paul, the visions and locutions of St. John on the island of Patmos, written in what now is the Book of Revelation--and so much more, reaching back into the Old Testament--does not phase us nor need scholarly proofs or debate.

The reality of the real presence of Christ's Body and Blood in the Eucharist, transformed from bread and wine in the Consecration of the Mass, the supernatural reality of the Mass itself, from beginning to end, of the Living Word of God proclaimed, of all the sacraments present and inherent in the Mass, the sending forth of our bodies, minds, hearts, and souls out into the world to witness to the power and love of God--all these realities need no shrouding of terms and words to be more palatable or believable to those who have not yet been touched spiritually, or who have not that blind faith of many who may live their entire lives without a numinous, mystical experience.

Essentially, to simplify, for these and lesser reasons, I can accept pain in this life.  At this time in my later years, perhaps my last decade, I do not have a burning desire to participate in prayer intention focusing which is not called prayer, or has certain set rubrics in order to "work".  I am more interested in conversions and deeper conversions, of being in the Divine Will, of seeking and participating in Divine Union, of awaiting the consummation of my mystical marriage with Christ--the glorious wedding and reception having mystically but oh-so-real, occurred one night in September, 2012.

I may attempt, if Dr. H. calls this weekend, to yet again explain the reality not only supernaturally but as it reaches into the temporal, of the years of mystical experiences, and why it is that somehow, I go more with them than I do with temporal attempts to remove pain that over time I have come to understand as having merit and of being productive, of being reparative, and of even as a title could be called The Power of Pain.  (This title, written in this blog, constitutes a trademarked name!  Ha ha! But it qualifies the four words as a temporal groundwork of trademark--oh, my.  As if God cares of the banality of that, and as if people would desire a book of that title!)

A marvel, it is, that somehow I was inspired within to include in my vow of consecration of suffering (equally not a best-seller of idea or written vow that people would clamor to repeat to God for themselves), that if I have options presented to me, I would choose the path of greater suffering.  Well, choosing to accept pain over participating in a power of eight group experiment, and to choose a surgically installed pain pump which will be another physical ordeal, does seem to be choosing a path of greater suffering.  

And I don't even know from whence or why that offering came to me to be included in various other aspects of a vow of suffering--or why even a vow of consecration to suffer at all?  Yet, I recall the intensity within, and the praying over it for quite awhile, and the discerning of the offering with my late spiritual father, who lived over 99 years and was a priest going on  73 years of that long life.

So be it.  I accept this pain and the various other forms of pain and suffering of which humans experience in this temporal life.  I accept them on behalf of Christ and His Church, and I offer them to Christ and His Church, for all the reasons and purposes temporal and spiritual which are written out in probably ad nauseam detail.  It's all from my mind, heart, and soul, even if my body, thoughts, and emotions yet struggle with suffering, sometimes a lot, and complain--in this temporal life God has given me for however more earth time He wills.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

[An angel of God did tell me in an early morning approaching while I yet slept, reminding me of how hurtful it could be that I used the author's name and seemingly was rather harsh regarding the quasi-research and experimentation, the claims made, the developing of and marketing for monetary gain of what the writer calls the power of eight.  So I did remove the name, and I hope in God that I did emphasize the good of what the person intends, the genuine zeal and passion of the person.  But of course, my path is the narrow path, and is of Christ, prayer, praise of God, and love of God in Himself and love of all souls as God loves each of us.  I reminded myself that I do love the writer whom I do not personally know, but that my path is not of that other.]

Catholic Hermit: Large but Needful Decision/Choice

As the temporal/spiritual interplay so often works within and without our bodies, minds, hearts, and souls in the temporal and spiritual realms of our daily lives--just after yesterday's spiritually transcendent meeting and discussion with the hermit priest who is my new spiritual father, I received a phone call from Dr. H. who had a fascinating proposal from some reading he'd been doing and a writer he'd either heard speak and spoken with or somehow met otherwise.

As if most often the case when the temporal and spiritual "juxtapose", of sorts, I had a sense of ennui, or here-we-go-again in my innate reaction, despite my being interested in what he had to share regarding the book he is reading and the excitement he has for yet another plan to get my pain reduced or eliminated through a type of experiment he proposes.

My mind had been so far from such temporal matters of my physical pain, given the supernal effect of the time, sharing, guidance, and prayer--the sheer joy of the hermit-priest and my inner knowing that my late, dearest spiritual da had arranged this help for me.  (And the hermit priest also motioned to his left, not in any odd way but genuinely, naturally, that my spiritual da was right there, blessing us and blessing the progression unfolding.  Kindred spirits....  There is no faking of holy, emanating, spiritual joy.)


As I listened to what Dr. H. shared, his excitement was contagious to a certain degree, but even in that, my mind and heart were sensing that this was quite the unexpected turn from the spiritual to very much temporal/psychological; Dr. H's sincere and loving quest has been steadfast for a long time, to find a means to remove or lessen my physical pain.  In fact, I was recalling today how years ago, following the 1987 back-to-back spine surgeries and resultant, permanently disabling pain, Dr. H. so selflessly attempted in an inducted, clinical hypno-therapeutic state, to draw out of me the temporal pain, and to take it upon himself.

I will never forget that "experiment."  He had to abandon the process rather abruptly as my body was showing signs of agony and stress; and as for what was going on within me, of which I would be the only one on earth who could describe it--it felt as if my very soul was being excruciatingly, ripped raw from my body, particularly in the chest area of heart but also from my brain area of mind.  Horrific ordeal, it was, for me!  I think disappointing for him; he is incredible in charity.

But on the phone late yesterday afternoon, I tried to kindly tell Dr. H. that in so many ways over the years, the Lord had told me that I am going to have this pain, and I may have reminded him that pain is not the "enemy".  However, it is also true that I had shared with him that the pain doctor was still considering a pain pump, and how advantageous to those such as myself, a pain pump actually uses 1/300th of the pain medication as oral meds.  Plus, the liquid pump medication goes directly to the spinal column from pump through tube--surgery by a neurosurgeon--and thus medication by-passes the digestive tract of which may be a motility problem come home to roost for me in past ten weeks or more.

So Dr. H. had this other proposal, as he's been reading a book (and said he's spoken with the writer).  He was enthused, and as mentioned above, while caught off-guard, his enthusiasm contagious.  The book he's reading is called The Power of Eight.  He shared about the thousands of persons the writer had involved in various online experiments--research--beginning with focused "intent" on photos online of two plants side by side, the participants focusing on these plants with loving intent, for ten minutes at a certain time of day, and for a certain amount of days.

Eventually the "research" became more of focused "intent" on humans who had various problems they wanted solved or improved, including serious health issues.  And, after many such "studies", which he said included university researchers, the writer realized that somehow the time spent focusing intent could be reduced to the 10 minute time frame, and that somehow the participants could be reduced to eight--thus the title of the book, The Power of Eight.  

After hearing a bit more, I said, "Well, this is simply people praying.  Nothing new in that, but is very good, of course."  But he explained the writer (he said not a scientist herself but calls herself an [investigative] journalist), does not want to use the word "prayer" because it limits the universality of the scope of this "research" and the amazing results she is getting.

Dr. H.'s caring proposal was that we should get together eight people willing to take ten minutes a day for two weeks, to at the same time no matter the time zone, would focus their minds on my being freed from pain.  He said McTaggert has the person who the others are with love and focus, "intending" for, be visibly seen if not there in person, such as a photo that the eight "intenders" could look at while they are using their minds to focus the decided upon intent.  

Perhaps at this point in conversation, I mentioned that God had let me know for years that in this life I would have this pain....  I also mentioned that what I really want, is not removal of pain but more for union with God and that I fulfill my purpose for which God has me here.  To that, Dr. H. said we could do that later, but to start with, then even having people focus on in the designated same 10 minute time frame daily for two weeks, that my pain level drop from 8, 9, or 10, down to a 5 on the typical pain scale used now for patients and doctors to describe level of pain patient is experiencing.

About this time I was aware of the shift from my elated spiritual meeting and unexpected delight of the new director, the hermit priest, and now this proposition of a temporal experiment, albeit using the power of mind focus (and loving "intending") to bring about lessening of my physical pain.  

I thus pointed out to Dr. H. that people have prayed for me for years for this, but he said not eight people at the same time every day for a certain number of days, focusing on the same thing.   I asked why not for seven minutes--why not seven people for seven minutes?  I pointed out that seven is the number of perfection, after all.  It is a powerful number if we want to view numbers as such, for perfection of 7 has for many centuries been considered the highest spiritual number, and then 9 and also then 3, as well as in Old Testament, 5 for the Pentateuch, and so forth.  

He was not sure why the power of the number eight, but felt we should do it as the writer had purportedly done the vast studies and research, with phenomenal results.  So again, is there a way I could have a photo such as online, for the eight persons to look at while they focused the intent for lessening or removal of my physical pain?  Well, I mentioned a way that could be arranged; and of course, we could set a time in the evening when people would from wherever not have work or dinner going on, or if children, they'd be in bed so that there would be 10 minutes of focus time for the eight participants.

But I also, then, pointed out that it really does not need to be other than one person praying or "intending," and that it really did not need to be everyone at the same time.  It could be two, for example, for Scripture says where two or three are gathered....  And, God could do whatever He wills when He wills, if He wills--that there are miraculous healings from people simply praying, but that also there are those who are not healed.  

(I do recognize that if the author has all this research and hundreds of thousands of participants in the various online studies, and these phenomenal results, that at least it was getting people to "intend" for some desire and good purpose, so they were praying in essence, even if they did not want to call it that.)

But again, I said there really is "no formula, no set formula."  I had been told that in a dream vision by St. Catherine of Siena, and I know I had shared that with Dr. H. on the phone last fall when he was eager to have me hear Randall's story and consider doing as Randall had done--focus on his breathing for hours on end, of which Randall then had a miraculous ability to transcend all physical pain, return to work, tend nearly 200 animals on his ten acres, and help others, live an active life with wife and two children.

I also have explained my vocation as a consecrated Catholic hermit, as a Christian mystic, as a Victim Soul of the Sacred Heart of Jesus, and of my own desire for union with God and to fulfill the purpose part of the reason why years ago, in my death experience, God sent me back into my body on the gurney in recovery room--and then back in for another 7 hours of surgery to correct the reason for cardiac arrests causing my death.

Well, I went along with the proposal, as partly I figured nothing wrong about doing an experiment, and having one's pain lessened is part of the reason the pain doctor is considering a surgically implanted, intrathecal pump.   Well, better pain control, lessening, less medication needed, and to avoid the intestinal motility issues that arise eventually from oral meds.

But my relative euphoria and bliss from the joy of the hermit-priest, and the amazing discussion and guidance (so unexpected to have such encounter and outcome), was dimmed.  Instead, I decided to consider that perhaps the Lord wanted me to explore and try the proposed experiment based on the writer's research and findings.  I turned to researching the author.

I found her website and many such sites she's developed including videos of her presentations.  It did not take long in listening, that my inner senses were piqued; matters were not stacking up positively in the discernment of spirits.  Even her affect--voice, eyes, set off my "vibes".  The more she spoke, the more she made amazing claims.  Her passion is obvious, her zeal sincere, but something did not "feel" right within me.

I turned to reading reviews of the book, The Power of Eight.  I read comments from readers, of which some commenters wrote valid points of flaws in the studies, particularly ones which involved human subjects, not ones of plants or water molecules.  Having studied statistics and having to learn to detect valid and invalid research in my own studies in doctoral program at USC, I knew the truth of what some of the commenters were pointing out as flaws in some of the studies.

I also noticed that I could find no abstracts of studies online, of which there ought to be at least some for having claims of hundreds of studies, and her mentioning some of the scientists, and of some of the universities.  Yet I noticed her talks online, in part, were done at something called QuantumUniversity.com and others videoed perhaps in her home, available on her website.  I also noted the rather "cheesy" advertisement of her Power of Eight groups, book, and logo--an octagonal chip-like image with an "8" in the center, with bluish dots resembling sparkles, and two hands cupping the octagonal chip, with light emanating from the pair of hands and illumining also the chip which had light and sparkle effect coming out from it.

Then I noticed the advertisements to be part of her Power of Eight "Masterclass" for 2020.  There is  a fee, of course.  In one of her videos, she mentions also how difficult a task for her to have to be the one to "choose" 2-3 participants whose wishes, desires, or as she calls them "intents" or "intentions" will be the ones that  the group of 8 people will focus on, per each of what are probably many groups of 8 for which individuals pay $599 to be participants.

In one of the videos I listened to, I noticed the claims expanding, the zeal increasing, the intents including receiving windfall of money, or some other temporal benefit, tangible, as well as miraculous healings.  The author also began to discuss matters in terms of personal possession:  my groups of 8, my choosing, my masterclass participants, my techniques bringing about miracles, my results, my research.  

Also, she mentioned in her enthusiastic sharing, that the "eight" was from someone who suggested that "power of eight" seemed essentially more catchy and euphonious or such.  (That was actually as I suspected--a marketing aid and what sounded good and not some scientifically or research deduction as to why eight the necessary number.  As to why 10 minutes of focusing, Dr. H. had suggested that it could be that people have trouble intently focusing for longer.  But could it be 5 minutes, or two?)

Then there are the testimonials of persons whose lives have been dramatically altered with their "intents" being fulfilled.  Miracles.  McTaggert said that even if the exact intent was not fulfilled, they at least had other aspects that were improvements in their lives.  Also, she began to delve into justifying her techniques by relating them to the Bible and even used Christian mystics and saints--awkward pronunciation of Teresa of Avila's name; and then claimed that Teresa had actually started "prayer circles" centuries ago.  There was more, but by then I was very turned off by what I was hearing, and then some....

Despite no doubt sincere intentions, the author mentioned that the results were becoming so miraculous and phenomenal, that she no longer needed to have what researchers would call "control groups", and no longer needed to document results with the power of eight groups dealing with human issues, healings, and life-changing events all so positive and amazing.

I dug deeper, finding some critiques of the power of eight claims and studies, but also of various other best-sellers she's written of similar content--which stems from not new age but old age philosophy that Husserl developed as phenomenology and the outflow of intention from intentionality, and the difference between the two.  And, then back to St. Thomas Aquinas, who wrote masterfully and which has stood the test of time, of what is basically that of intentionality informing intention, and of course as we Catholics and others recognize, additional solid theological foundations of thought.

I also found the author was suing someone who had tried to point out the fallacy of her research.  And I was only doing a cursory dig into what I could find--starting out with the "intention" of being reassured, and with the idea that it would not hurt to try to get eight friends to go along with two weeks of ten minutes a day at same time, across the country or even continents, to look at my mugshot and focus intently on the thought of my pain leaving or being reduced.

Then there was another commenter on this particular book, that it seemed "creepy"--and something not right about what the commenter had read, and that it either was of God or not.  But the commenter gave solid doubt as to why such as this was not of God.  Yet, all commenters tried to be kindly, and gave the author benefit of doubt for being sincere and well-intentioned.

I considered the money coming in, and how greed can infiltrate a mind, heart, and soul.  I also considered based upon listening to several videos of the author speaking extemporaneously yet with fervor and goodness of wanting to create more miracles, that it is a heady thing to be deciding who in the groups of eight would have their wishes chosen by her, to be the point of focus by the paying participants.  The power of such determining what we could consider life and death decisions is not even granted to a single medical doctor specialist; even they are required to make such decisions as who gets treated, essentially, and who not, by a team of doctors as well as medical ethicists, and including discussion with the patients and their families.  

But I agree with the author, although she did not term it this way for I can see how all this has had a lot of good aspects for many people--thousands if her claims are accurate--that the power and position and possession of such miraculous results and the major life changes and healings occurring--yes, it is not easy being in God's position.  And one thing is true, that she mentions: the good of 8 people getting together either in person or across the world wide web, is a positive for people to be bonding in this way, of positive "intenting" for some good to happen to someone in specific.  

Her online sites do cite persons healed or receiving unexpected money, or new jobs, or an infants' heart improved (although I noticed not healed and evidently still needing a heart transplant)--and some of these testimonials include the persons saying that the participants in their group of eight will remain life long friends.  The author also begins to mention people experiencing a type of divine union and mystical ecstasy!  Merciful heavens!  For $599, why not pay up and sign up for this chance at "creating miracles"?

Well, I had in a text to Dr. H. as I was listening to the videos and reading comments and reviews of the books by the author, that four people can gather and sit around a card table, and "intent" to raise the table off the floor, or call in spirits of the dead to show a sign by knocking, and the table can levitate a few inches, and odd knock sounds can occur.  While at this point the power of eight groups seem to be for most serious "intenting," already the "intenting" for a windfall of money or whatever other, becomes rather "Vegas" or "lottery" to me.  Granted, some people go through dire times financially, and of course we pray for relief from suffering, help in finances, jobs, health--physical, emotional, and mental.

I realized I could not at all, not even to satisfy the most caring and always thinking of ways to try to help my pain reduce or disappear, Dr. H.'s wanting to develop our own power of 8 group.  (And it is true that the author in a video discusses starting one's own Power of Eight Group. I did not listen to it, was saturated to point of unsettling by what I'd read, watched, and listened to.  Perhaps she explains how to start one's own group, but why do I suspect she will advise better to get her guidance and be one of her online groups?

I texted Dr. H. much--too much, as I tend to do when inner sense piqued--but in a way of that which my bit of research uncovered and why it was unsettling to me.  Whether he reads through what I texted, does not matter.  My decision is obviously that I'm not nibbling or biting on this "intenting".  I realize I could not at all ask my Christian friends or family members to intent on what they've been praying for, for years, and what the loved ones and holy ones with me yet not visible, but right here in Spirit, Holy Spirit, know to pray for me, for their view is far clearer and most in the Light of Christ fully.

And I texted him, reminding him of the healing Mass years ago, of which I shared at least that my heart was transverberated.  Whether or not he understands, but I made it more clear that while I was 25 years ago early on in my physical pain suffering, I had gone to the healing Mass with a bonafied elderly priest from Baltimore, MD, with full intent and desire and faith that God would heal me of physical pain.  

Instead, God wounded, He consecrated my heart.  [God's words to me the next morning when the pain of my enlarged and yet pounding heart from the alteration the night before, remained,]  Yes, I'd had 2-3 hours of less pain and for a bit no pain other than my heart, right after the healing Mass.  I even jumped up and down at home to the delight and hope of a couple of my children.  Yes, we were so hopeful and in faith wanting my pain taken away or lessened.  That was not God's plan or will, though!  

I also tried to explain to Dr. H. that while a book by me, such as titled The Power of Pain, would not be a wild hit or even of interest to anyone, or maybe a handful, there is tremendous power in pain.  I am discovering after this recent surgery the power of pain praying.  I reminded in the texts to Dr. H. that pain is not "bad", it is not the enemy, it is not a negative in the spiritual view.  Pain and suffering, at other levels and dimensions, is love, it is joy.

Now, I also realized and stated to Dr. H., that I have complained of my pain!  It does hurt!  Pain can be temporally quite limiting.  But my desire, my "intent" is to suffer it better, with joy, with not having it rule my thoughts and emotions.  As to what my "intent" would actually be--it would be to have union with God and to in whatever ways, help others to seek and have union with God.  

At this phase, if an intrathecal pain pump can level out the pain and help my intestines to work properly, and to use 1/300th of the medication compared to oral meds, that is fine and makes sense.  Plus, I can help if useful, other persons who might be struggling with pain management options.  Another benefit of the intrathecal pain pump is that the other side effects of pain meds are eliminated, such as the time it takes for oral meds to kick in, and the hassle of monthly refills, or of taking the oral doses every four or so hours, or any risk of accidental overdose: it's all regulated in the implanted pump which is simply refilled every 6 weeks or even 3 months (depending on dose needed) in a simple injection into the pump at the pain doctor's.  The medication goes directly to spinal column.

This has been quite lengthy sharing of a needful decision.  I realized that perhaps I need to consider, list out, and ponder the reasons God calls some to suffer, allows suffering of all types,  and the positives of pain.  This is not to suggest that we not ask for God to remove our sufferings, to grant us blessings, to help us lead active and productive lives--but if one has prayed and "intended" for years, as have so many others with love and even laying on of hands in prayer services, and the healing Mass--well, if one has been called or maybe better put, asked, by God to suffer in this life as a particular calling and purpose, and one has agreed (as have I), then live it!

An answer from the Word of  God this morning in the Office of Readings, made the succinct point, made the decision clear.  It is for any and all persons--in groups of eight, a thousand, or just one solitary soul--costs nothing, requires no set times or time limits, no looking at a photo of someone or an object.  Just needs a humble and desirous, loving, faithful, and hope-in God thought.  

"Surrender to God, and he will do everything for you."

I praise God for Dr. H.'s lovingly seeking for me a way out of my physical pain all these years.  I pray (love the word, don't need to mask it with "intend") that he might consider the benefit he could present to many of his patients who may not have relief or full remission of suffering of various types. He could help them understand the power of pain!  And, for others if they are opposed to simple prayer, of not wanting to surrender to God, people can and do try the Power of 8 experiment or approach.  I personally run the opposite way, ever into the arms of Jesus Christ.  Truth, beauty, goodness.  Faith, hope, love. 

And Lord, I will pray for the grace you will give as has been Thy desire for me for a long time, to stop complaining of the pain.  For pity's sake, yes, it gets so painful sometimes, it is unrelenting, but that is part of its positivity and power of pain praying without ceasing, and of honing my mind, heart, and soul in ways I cannot fathom but you, Lord, do! 

On this Feast Day of St. Agnes, I think of the little girl, age 12, whose wrists and waist too tiny for the shackles to even stay in place, who then was stripped naked in front of pagan onlookers, but still did not give in to the demand she relinquish her Christian faith and be married off, and then faced with her head cut off, she still would not renounce Christ and instead all the more proclaimed His Name and her allegiance to Him, her Love, Protector, and Spouse.

I certainly can use the word "pray," and more importantly, do pray.  My faith is such that one heartfelt request He hears and answers--and not necessarily in the way I will and want, but rather in His Divine Will and omniscience, omnipotence, and eternal presence.  God knows best for us, always, even if it seems painful, hard, and means our death in various ways, no matter our ages or circumstances.  

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: Psalm Hits the Spot

Mercy.  The severe physical pain surge continues as result of last evening's trial-run drive of 1.5 miles and back to grocery.  But it is a start of trying to get back into more functionality in this long, post-operative recovery.  As in our temporal and very much our spiritual lives, we must pick ourselves up and simply keep going.

The Psalm from today's Mass truly hits the spot!

"But I am afflicted and in pain;
let your saving help, O God, protect me.
I will praise the name of God in song,
and I will glorify Him with thanksgiving.

"See, you lowly ones, and be glad;
you who seek God, may your hearts revive!
For the LORD hears the poor,
and His own who are in bonds he spurns not."

I consider the various types of poverty as well as the many forms of bonds of which we find ourselves.  Physical bonds are probably the least of what can bind us; mental, emotional bonds are worse.  But a soul bound to other than God, seems the ultimate in suffering.

This morning I've been thinking about Mary of Egypt (344-421) a desert mother (amma) of an early century.  I read a book about her, and while I don't recall certain details, I know and appreciate her life's story..  She went out into the desert as a penitent.  She had repented of her life of sexual licentiousness, turning to God, and lived as a hermit, freeing herself from bondage of body, mind, heart and soul.  

After many years, a priest came upon her, not knowing if she was male or female for her visage had grown wizened and hair had grown, covering her like a garment.  He realized he was in the presence of a holy one from brief conversation and her spiritual transcendence.  He gave her Communion, a consecrated Host, of which she'd not had for nearly four decades, or so it seems I recall from reading.  She had not seen a human in years.  The priest said he would return again with communion and to check on her; a year later he returned and located her, deceased.

St. Mary of Egypt is remembered as one whose conversion is profound, and her renunciation of sin and path of penance and prayer remarkable.  Her transcendence of soul is yet another example of the humbling aspects of the spiritual journey can bring in seeking God as penitents, praying and praising a while renouncing whatever and all that binds us in any way.  She is also the patron saint of penitents (and we can include her a mentor for hermits, too!).

Spiritual life and all that goes with it, is a process.  Spiritual-temporal progression takes temporal time, spiritually focused diligence, a living out our lives following Christ's way for each of us, and striving in seeking and accepting God's will.  Rare are the immediate infusion of transcending grace--a transfiguration of mind, heart, and soul.

I'm calling upon Mary of Egypt to befriend me today as I again start out anew, journeying farther into the desert, the physical aspects, yes, but also the desert within, so subtle yet richly full of  Christ's all.

But I tell you, also, this morning I thought happily of the man who shared his story of miraculously having a gift of being able to transcend his physical pain, to pick up and be cured of all the physical pains of spine that had reduced him to bed-ridden status.  I assume today as he heads pain free to work, he still is viewing all with gratitude.  

As for me, I am praising God even if a bit set-back with physical pain upon pain.  He hears and knows; He spurns not one of us who even if bound in whatever way, call upon His Name.  We all will be able to fully transcend, in Christ, whatever pain at some point; and for most of us that will be at the marvelous moment of our earthly death.  

But in the meantime, we can be freed from the various ties that bind us in so many ways, through faith in and love of God, acceptance of His love, mercy, and His will.  And in praise and prayer, we simply keep going! 

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: Assiduous Prayer and Penance

Continuing on with my further consideration of what the Church desires of her consecrated Catholic hermits, the phrase "in assiduous prayer and penance" concludes section 920 in The Catechism of the Catholic Church:

"Without always professing the three evangelical counsels publicly, hermits 'devote their life to the praise of God and salvation of the world through a stricter separation from the world, the silence of solitude and assiduous prayer and penance.

I appreciate the adjective "assiduous."  This word originated from the Latin assidere (be engaged in doing) around mid-16th century (when Teresa of Avila and John of the Cross lived).  It became assiduus and today is defined as "showing great care and perseverance."

A hermit is to be engaged, attentive in care and perseverance, of being diligent, thorough, conscientious--in the active doing of prayer and penance.

As to prayer and penance, by the time in our lives in which we receive a call to the eremitic vocation, we have already an understanding of prayer as well as a grasp of penance.  But to be more specific and review meanings in simple terms, prayer is personal conversation with God, and penance is expression of sorrow for wrongs done. 

Of course, there are far more extensive explanations of prayer and penance to which "assiduous" lends deepening purpose to a hermit's act of praying and act of sorrow, of making reparation, for wrongs, for sins personal and communal.

So much could be written about prayer--what is prayer, how to pray, the various forms of prayer.  I cannot improve upon what the various saints and great spiritual masters have said regarding prayer; nor can I begin to emphasize how all-encompassing is the prayer Jesus taught us to pray, the Our Father, the Lord's Prayer.  The Catechism of the Catholic Church comments on the doxology often added to the Lord's Prayer:  "For the kingdom, the power, and the glory are yours, now and forever."  Such all-encompassing emphasis and beauty pour forth from these words that heighten and extend the foci and facets of the Lord's Prayer.

Another prayer of which the Holy Spirit has introduced to me, helped me grasp how vital, is the prayer of conversion and of deeper conversions.  This prayer is God's will for all souls--those who yet do not believe in Christ as their Savior, Lord, and God, and deeper conversions for those of us who do believe in Jesus but always are called to repeatedly deeper levels of love of God.  We are always invited and desired by God to come closer and into union with His Real Presence, the Holy Trinity, and always assisted by the Virgin Mary who calls us and points us to her Son.  

God will always answer this prayer of conversion and deeper conversion; coming always closer and into Him, abiding with and in Him all the more, is His will and desire for us.  It also is a prayer that removes us from judging, for it is a prayer of our own soul's growth as much as our prayerful desire for the growth and increasing conversions of all souls.

Personally, prayer has evolved over the years to that of what I term instantaneous thought-flashings.  It is akin to the way God communicated with me, and I communicated with Him, when I died in the hospital recovery room on the evening of July 28, 1987.  This form of prayer occurs within me, with God, with Jesus, with the Holy Spirit, as if unconsciously, for the most part.  On occasion I will realize what is occurring, this form of prayer on-going; but when I consciously make myself become stilled, the thought-flashing slows and awareness occurs such that I am more conscious of the prayer, and I begin to better listen, or so it seems, or to ask questions rather than to pour out my mind, heart, and soul to and in His Real Presence.

Then, the intensity of a concise and focused thought-flashing may seem more pleasing to Jesus.  Same with the inspiration with the seriously high pain levels post-operation of the spine--the intensity of concise and focused pain as prayer in itself, seems pleasing to Jesus.  Pain praying is a reality of the union of suffering, of being one with Christ on the Cross and in all the other ways in which He suffered terribly, and in which even now, He hurts for souls and for the sins and sufferings of mankind--sufferings as a result of others sins; sufferings as a result of our own sins.

As to penance,  there was a time when I wanted to experience what some of the saints experienced with self-inflicted mortifications.  I mentioned it to my spiritual father, and he did not say "no" at the time, for he was wise and holy and understood the good of my experiencing minor penances as such, of the good it would do me in teaching me that such types of penances are not at all necessary and that one need not at all do as many of the saints of yore with strapping themselves on the back, or wearing a tight cinch under the clothing, around the waist.  (Mine was a tight bungee cord, with hooks that clasped together.)

I will say that the cord (and my austerity in wearing a simple gray tunic-type garment--passable, though, as a jumper and not a habit), did remind me for awhile, of why I was wearing it.  The strapping my self with a guitar strap left by my son who'd gone off to college was a fascinating experience, as well.  I consciously was doing something in kind with the saints, offering the penance and the minor suffering of it to God in reparation for souls and for my sins and my own soul.  I also for awhile tried to do as some said the Virgin Mary asked of people to fast on Wednesdays and Fridays on bread and water.  I think that came from an apparition site and messages of some persons that in time was not condoned by the Church.

What I benefitted from such experimentation with self-inflicted penances was that it was totally unnecessary and rather naive and immature in a way, on my part.  My spiritual father knew I'd come to this reality, as he later smiled and pointed out that the Lord is fully capable of allowing me penances enough that HE decides upon, that He grants, that He finds just right for me.  And truly, they are far more painful and difficult, and far more reparative than my own rather romanticized efforts--so unnecessary and superfluous, even silly.

With the cinch around my waist, it was not long until I did not notice it; the guitar strappings actually felt rather good in a way--for at the time, while then I had no idea of the arachnoiditis condition of my back, the itching caused by the damage done of my spinal cord sheathing having been cut during surgery and blood leaking inside the spinal cord causing nerve clumping, the situation of my back was oddly soothed by the strapping.  

As to the fasting on Wednesdays and Fridays, my body could not cope because the pain from the spinal problems worsened to a point without adequate food--including sugar to help increase endorphins, so I'd have increased pain sieges which only caused inconvenience and harm to others, such as my son who at the time was living at home, or to friends who'd have to deal with my incapacitation from the increased pain sieges.

So I learned that the Lord is in charge of my penances, of what types, of what degree, of what worth that I have plenty enough as a result of the car accident and whatever all else occurs by God's providence as far as penances go.  God provides!  He knew and knows I am willing to suffer and to offer whatever sufferings; and God allows what transpires naturally.  Actually, some of the most difficult and meaningful of penance has been the more interior forms of suffering, or the sufferings of persecution and indignities one experiences.  Then, the challenge is not in the pain of these, but in the attitude and spirit with which one endures the resultant sufferings.

The purpose of penance is similar to that of prayer--a communication with God, a union with God, in intimate conversation and sharing in all aspects of His Real Presence to the degree and facets which He desires and wills for us to share in whatever level of intimacies with Him.  Love is the purpose.  Love begets love, love responds with love--that is a reason for and result of prayer and penance.  For a Catholic hermit, in the consecrated life of the Church, the qualifier of "assiduous" seems of pertinence and importance.  

That is what I am asking God to help me improve upon--the extent of which I am engaged in, attentive to, diligent and persevering in prayer and penance.  I want to increase to whatever degree toward perfection God allows and gifts with His grace--the depth, breadth, width, heights of prayer and penance that pleases God most and serves best his will and purposes.  

Assiduous prayer and penance--this is my hope in God, my faith in His will and desiring, and my love of God in Himself in offering of myself full, assiduously, in as intimate a union with His Real Presence as the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit desires and grants, now and proceeding forever.