Adapting to Deeper Conversion

The soul breathes and exists in increments of depth.

It is quite something to adapt more and more to deeper conversion of mind, heart and spirit within one's vocation, no matter what category of calling.  His Real Presence calls each soul to some vocation or dual vocations, or shifts vocations--adding or deleting or adapting one to another--in the progression of our earthly journeys.

Each stroke out into the deeper waters requires more faith as we progress into the unknown; and it takes a bit of earth time to grasp and adapt.

Today was one such day.  Not only is there prayer for more graces to be a happy, positive, inside-out-joyful Catholic hermit and child of God in earthly pain management, the graces are asked also for more obedience and submission to whatever is God's will in any given present moment.

While covering 96 St. Bernard Love of God Bourbon Balls in gold, candy foil wrap, the prayers include the marvel at what a relief in so many ways (yet still a jolt in the shift) to recognize and accept:  this hermit, and probably most hermits, are not well-suited nor intended for parish interaction and acceptance.   In biographies of saintly Church hermits that this hermit has read over the past fourteen years, none come to mind who interacted as parishioners.

Why should this have been a surprise in this "nothing" Catholic hermit's life?  Why the 14 years or more of not recognizing this reality, and rather, pushing on parish doors that were not opening?  

Some of the situations one could not begin to invent.  Recently, when needing help from any strong man for an hour or two for the task removing some tight cabinet screws and drilling them back in, the local parish's St. Vincent de Paul leader did not even respond in email or phone to the plea for help.  A year ago, the priest said there was no one he could think of to help carry in six 4x8' pieces of plywood.  Even in the details, the Lord has not allowed parish interaction with minimal, manual assistance.

But now, the load is laid to rest; the time of adaptation is blessed.  Various aspects of this hermit's daily life need some adjustment and greater commitment.  There has been a leaching back into the world--or maybe treading water--perhaps the result of relocating and resettling.  All the ups and downs and physical hardships have been difficult on the body and emotions.  

A set horarium (hourly schedule) has flown the scene, for the most part.  Not having daily Mass has thrown off that spiritually tangible start of the day.  (It is not as if the historical hermits of the Church celebrated or participated in daily Mass, for many or most did not.  No church nearby, most were not priests, and some were women eremitics.)  Now, it is all the more Order of the Present Moment, and must exist solely and soulfully in His Real Presence for whatever is to be, within and without.  

The skies finally released some rain in this desert.  Now the gardens beg care.  But the bourbon ball order arrived; with income needed all the more now, the present moment requires obedience to whatever seeds God sows into each day.  (Today it is packaging the little love balls and resting this mortal body so as to manage physical pain.)  

All events and situations in our lives are gifts from His Real Presence.  This is another reality that can be too easily ignored in the distractions.  Somehow, in all various ways, "nothing Catholic hermit" has lapsed in spiritual discipline.

Energy spent in doubting one's vocation or in thinking it is not meant to be so challenging, is energy that now can be redirected.   Ask afresh:  What does His Real Presence will-- daily, nightly, hourly, moment-by-moment?  And then strive to answer Him without fretting if much tangible is not accomplished.  Practice listening to Him; desire His will; then desire and attempt obedience.  

Perhaps desire and attempt are more the point and please God than what is accomplished in actions:  spiritual reading, formal praying, manual outcomes in the temporal surroundings.  Even a smidgeon of effort expended in practicing listening and attempting obedience to God's will, this is positive energy of soul.

Distance swimming, particularly in uncharted waters and with no notion of depth, takes much endurance and is not considered a win or a loss situation.  Why?  The spiritual life, vocation, and soul progression are not a competitive race.

The hermit vocation specifically is not a competition with anyone in other walks of life nor with other hermits nor with oneself.  The earliest desert hermits also had to guard against wanting to compare themselves to other desert dwellers intent upon seeking and finding God.  There is no supreme authority in the hermit vocation (or any vocation) other than His Real Presence. 

So we adapt to deeper conversion within a vocation. God adjusts and fine-tunes each soul who has agreed to accept and submit to God's will, despite any agonizing aspects in the process.  

(Was it easy for the early desert fathers and mothers to make the transitions from the temporal world and the temporal church to the desert life?  And the this could be anywhere of body, mind, heart, soul:  removed, stilled, in seeking submission to, obedience in, and union with God.  Was it easy for Jesus during His forty days in the desert or in any living out of His earthly teaching, ministry and mission?  Did He not weep, show frustration, and agonize at times?)

Hermits (or any souls desirous of God) adapt to deeper conversion into His Real Presence in whatever and however He wills, moment by moment.  Each moment flows into the next and the next until we no longer are aware of moments or flow but are aware of His Real Presence.  Then, perhaps, we are deep in love.  Then, perhaps, love will be the breath of the soul, and each breath will be more and more loving.

Today is a good day:  silent, solitary, slow, suffering--not selfless (but not as selfish as yesterday)--simple, still, stable and serene.  All moments flow one to another, prayerfully.  What the body cannot accomplish physically, the soul breathes of love.  When the mind cannot focus much spiritually, the soul yet breathes love.

God bless His Real Presence in us, and may we ever, as little children, love one another!

Settling Into God's Stream

Such a lovely time away from Te Deum House and into civilization but was quite ready to return.  The daughter has noticed the transition effort in being in temporal comfort and then returning to the hardships of this place.  

Dom Scupoli's writings in the particular chapters being read address sloth--not simply spiritual sloth but the temptation to cease working at a task when there are so many tasks as to be overwhelming.  He then asks of the reader to make the spiritual connection, as well.

There is great progress with the little grandson in mastering a youthful and very human tendency to grumpiness when something does not quite go his way, or when some project or schoolwork is frustrating.  He seems to respond to the little suggestion God gives his "Gaga" that each step and thought we take or have is a step toward goodness or bad, heaven or hell.  Just the little reminder, and he pulls right out of a bad attitude.  Ah, but his Gaga could do as well when the physical suffering exhausts the body, and the dark angels try to trip the mind and spirit. 

But there is progress outwardly here, and within, also.  The good is grasped more and more from what appears as otherwise negative.  A helpful conversation the other night with the spiritual father brought about his assessment of whether or not this "nothing" Catholic hermit is being moved in the direction of not belonging to a parish, or at least that God seems not willing active involvement if involvement at all, other than of love and prayer for all peoples on earth as it is in heaven.

He thinks God is not willing this hermit to be in a parish.  What has occurred, is the rather fearful, awkward, leading to uncharitable, reactions of the parishioners and priests seemingly due to an atypical but not unheard of state during Mass.  And when the waters have been tested otherwise in small involvement, the nets have come up empty.  It is quite simple, and the reality is set out and becoming more a direction than coincidence or fault of anyone involved.  It just is as it is; and that is a good thing, for negative is merely the opposite of positive.  Change and adaptation:  Growth is at hand!

The reality of God's unique and individual desires for each and every soul is beautiful!  We grow and go in a flow, and the stream is not as predictable as we might think.  The spiritual father suggests trying the monastery for weekly worship; or if a parish for worship, then to anonymously and quietly come and go.  He does not think God wills this hermit to be a parishioner or belong to a parish.  Our conversation included those hermits who were not at all parishioners.  It was not easy to think of any of which we could identify in history, who were.  None came to mind.  The fact of privately professed, Catholic hermits being consecrated religious, helps define the difference and provides reason and understanding.

Mother Teresa was not a hermit by vocation, but neither was she in a religious order after she left it to follow God's call to "help the poorest of the poor." She also was not a member of any parish.  Much later she was called upon to formalize the women working with her, and the Missionaries of Charity were born and organized as a religious community within the Catholic Church.  

The spiritual father and "nothing" conversed on several noted persons in the history of the Church (including John the Baptist) who can come to mind, who were not in parishes.  If they had been in a parish setting, their religious lives and spiritual desires and emphases--well, one can ponder how that could be problematic with the every day efforts of many parish priests and parishioners.  

["Repent!  Repent!"  Now, that would not gain favorable inclusion, would it?  John the Baptist would not likely pass the scrutiny to give a program to elderly parishioners.  And  Jesus did not find loving welcome in His hometown temple, that is for sure, nor other temples of His day, either.]

We can also compare and contrast the various scenarios with today's parishes, as we exist in the present moment.  And a hermit vocation is not the same in the living out as that of a parish priest or one in a religious order, or a lay parishioner, any more than their vocations are the same in the living out as a hermit's vocation.

All this causes this "nothing" Catholic hermit to ponder anew its vocation and the chastisement over eight years ago by the Guardian angel:  "You have not been living nor honoring the hermit life that God has chosen for you and values very much."

That was a jump-startling event, causing more focus and effort in living and honoring the hermit life--which needed to be deepened through prayer, awareness, learning, listening and making some changes in outer and inner daily life.  We can see over time, no matter our vocations, the shifts and the wanderings, and then the herding and guiding that comes from His Real Presence in both tangible and mystical ways.  

It takes earth time, and it takes willingness to adapt and submit and to accept the gradual or sometimes blunt alterations.  Now is a time for adapting and submitting all the more to honoring the hermit life God has chosen and values for this "nothing."  

What causes the heart to sing?

That is a very good question to place beside various thoughts and actions throughout the day and night.  When a stream is flowing as God wills, the water sings as it tumbles over the rocks, or when it slithers silently--barely perceived in stretches of calm pools.

Nothing now must consider for worship: Mass at a nearby monastery.  [It is of a different rite, but that ought not matter in these circumstances.  Presumably, if the apostles were alive today, they would be priests of various rites in either the Western or Eastern Church.]  If "nothing" attempts worship again at a parish, then is to come and go without comment, politely decline answering questions if any, and ignore (as Jesus had said to "nothing" previously) the criticisms and judging from wary priests and parishioners. 

This entire process has nothing to do with anything other than discerning, now, more, the unfolding of God's will regarding group worship in a specific hermit's life.  

God does utilize situations in His created world and with His created people to help guide and direct His each and every created soul.  We are to cast our nets even if we have cast them before.  Time evolves, and the fish move along unseen in water's depths.  Nothing is permanent in this life--no matter if a hermit or monk or nun or priest or lay married or single person.  

We must live and honor the vocations of our lives which God has chosen for us and values very much, and this means there are shifts and adaptations and alterations along the way by which the Lord teaches us faith, hope and charity.  We must remember always that these three greatest of God's gifts go beyond a pew, some structural walls, a town, city, country or continent.

Once we begin to open our eyes underwater as part of the flowing stream, and within the proper, peaceful flow and elements, our hearts begin to sing.  Then we are living and honoring that which God has chosen--even if we see or find that outside the waters, there is hardship and contradiction.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Little children, let us love one another for God Is Love!

Striking a Chord and Finding One's Place

Mercy, the recent posts have struck a chord with readers.  Praise be to God!

Peace is returning, and a resolve with Catherine of Siena and others, such as Lorenzo Scupoli, to keep practicing acceptance as all comes from God for our good and for our learning lessons and discerning His will for each unique individual.

When "nothing" prays thanksgiving and totally grasps and understands the views of others and their rights and even perhaps wisdom or whatever rationale for certain choices in the governance of fellow Catholics or Christians, the personal situation has evolved over time with wariness developing most likely due to the external phenomenon during Mass, no matter what anyone's analysis of it.

Plus, in sharing the process and progress of an ordinary, Catholic mystic's experiences and the outflow, there are no doubt many aspects not clarified, for the inner life of the soul and the various interchanges with others in the silence and within, come naturally and spontaneously, and most often steadily.  An occasional standout dream, or a vision, or a nuanced nudge from the Guardian Angel add to the process of discerning.

It is simple enough to deduce that while nothing is indeed not fitting in to typical Catholic parishes and is not likely to, for plenty attempts have been made--the reasons for that bear weighing the positives, for there are always and mostly positives.  God moves the soul through change, and change is signaled by disruption of some sort and a disquieted soul, or so it seems is a good indicator.

However, there is not always or usually not, it would seem a next phase presented.  So the person has to let go of the rope, of sorts, while in mid-swing, and trust that there will be another rope swinging out there somewhere, to which to grab hold.  Or, to use Peter's way of walking on the water, we must simply and genuinely trust that if we stumble or start to sink or fall, that Jesus will reach out and lift us up.

Painting way up high, now using "Simply White" on the belly band separating the Jesus Eyes' greenish blue painted shingle siding from the future "Sonshine Light" yellow-tan paint for the plank siding, the thoughts come to a joyful encouragement.  Being high on a ladder can provide such goodness once there is faith in the process.  The mind forgets the height and the risks but rather meditates upon the hope and faith and love provided in being a member of the Body of Christ.

It is unlikely that "nothing" at this phase would fit into other church scenarios.  Just as nothing was so certain to be one of the top 25% success stories with the back surgeries 27 years ago, and ended up in the bottom painful 10% messed cases--there is no guarantee in the spiritual life that one's path will follow this or that certain other person's path--hermit, mystic, saint or nothing!  We discover the path as we are walking and climbing.  And God is so patient when we keep testing certain ascents over and over, or attempt repeatedly to try a certain branch-off or rappelling technique.

Those in religious orders are not in a parish.  Imagine if they were.  It just does not seem that it would work out well, from those of us who know the parish ways of existing and progressing.  Parishes are distinctly different from monasteries, yet they provide similar opportunities and avenues for reaching the same goals which very much are or should be steeped in worship of God and sharing His love with one another in that context.  They are also a means of providing spiritual growth opportunities in order to learn and practice the virtues and to grow in holiness individually and as a body of believers. These opportunities vary in function within monasteries and within parishes.

Then consider the hermit path.  It is neither that of a monastery or a parish, but is a "hermitage", to come to some kind of similar labeling distinction.  It is a religious vocation.  An avowed and professed hermit in the Catholic church is a "consecrated religious" regardless of public or private vows.  A hermit has a religious vocation, and its modality of existing is not typically in a monastery nor in a parish setting, but rather in solitude in a hermitage. 

But the hermit, like those in religious orders and those in parishes, have spiritual helps that can include people, their writings, their lived examples.  We have worship and sacraments and very much the Living Word of God and His Real Presence.  Whether lay or religious or in holy orders, we all are striving for union with God and to glorify God in all we attempt, in love of God above all things and love of others.

Thus, the heightened manual labor has assisted this "nothing' hermit in grasping all the more, after many splatters and wipe-ups, and cleaning of brushes and switching to other paint colors, that "nothing" has missed the mark many times over in thinking it must belong in a parish as a typical parishioner, or to interact in a parish.  This is as mismatched as it would in thinking it needs to exist or belong to a monastery, although often enough (and historically) hermits tended to travel weekly to worship in monasteries.  Perhaps this is because the monks and nuns and the hermits do share an avowed and consecrated religious vocation, although unique in various aspects one from the other.

And, it does seem that in the past three decades in the Catholic Church, those relatively few but growing number of hermits with public vows are known to worship in and belong to parishes.  Privately consecrated hermits who might choose to worship in a parish, or from parish to parish,* may tend to remain hidden in the sense that they may not need be known as hermits to the parishioners and often not to the priests.

[*Fifteen years ago when first receiving the call to the eremitic life, "nothing" corresponded with a privately professed hermit in another country who motorbiked to a different parish each day in an eight-day cycle.  There were eight parishes within reasonable travel distance.  One time when a priest inquired of his name and offered a ride (and his bike) home, wherever that was, the hermit politely declined and also gave but his first name--and regretted giving that much information.]

With all this thought out and personally in "nothing's" mind now, more clearly, the result may be a positive conclusion of parish-seeking or involvement.  There is a nearby monastery, very small.  The three monks there practice some aspects of the hermit life (but are not hermits per se).  Having been invited to Mass there awhile back., "nothing" might attempt that, as it may be a rope swinging toward the hand of which the hand could grab hold.  And, in that setting, there would not be the curiosity and concerns that seem to develop sooner than later in parishes with priests and parishioners, regarding nothing's spiritual life.

Perhaps fitting into parishes as a hermit is correlated to the hermit being known to others as a hermit. Perhaps then a publicly known hermit is more accepted by parishioners in having a different mode or category, and is not expected to fit in with laity or be like them.  But nothing is not called to be noticed as a hermit in a parish or diocese setting; and such designation would not be necessary, if in a monastery setting for Mass.

This has been a long and sometimes frustrating process,  but a good and necessary process, one would think, for each hermit to discern individually and uniquely.

The place for nothing in the Catholic church is in the hermitage, as a hermit and mystic.  That is the place God has chosen, and it must strive to exist in the Order of the Present Moment.  In this moment, then go outside to plant some free perennials and then do the second coat of Simply White on the belly band.  Travel to civilization this evening upon a family member's request to homeschool and tend the grandson for a couple days.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Little children, let us love one another, for love is of God!

Thanks Be to God

Thanks be to God for many temporal details, lately.  My computer hard drive crashed.  That was a blessing because my pain was out of control, and the head pain was becoming unbearable.  If I'd had the laptop, I would have written and written from a point of pain beyond coping, no doubt.  The darkness would have been too dark and incomprehensible, probably misunderstood, and fodder for misjudgments.

Only those out there who have experienced heavy suffering of the sort that takes the mind to another dimension and that of deep despair, would have grasped.  One of the last aspects of spiritual distress that I recall, is that of making it to Mass on Monday morning.  After what was typical for this parish, parishioners and priest--of which the state of such tends to be reflected or sensed within, throughout the Mass, any Mass--the woman of the very first day's conversation asked to speak to me.  Then another woman joined her.

It was The Inquisition.  I tried to remain very kind and patient, and I did my best to answer their questions which were put in accusatory manner.  The one woman repeated her current judgment, despite my explanation.  I finally tried to sweetly and firmly point out that perhaps she was beyond her capacity to grasp and experiential level, and that it seemed a bishop, a priest of many years, as well as a psychologist gifted with the paranormal have more ground upon which to stand in assessing what the week before I had suggested she just stop trying to analyze and let it be.

The other woman got into that it could be the devil, and yes, it could, but no, it is not.  That has all been dealt with, although I have no doubt at all that the devil continues to attack in various ways.  It seems he was busy using others to try to figure out and have their theories rather than their paying attention to His Real Presence in Mass.  The devil may have been quite successful, also, in having these women think it was their duty to give me a hard time of it, and to scrutinize and judge.

I never minded when a bishop did so.  That seems more the task of a bishop or even a parish priest.  This particular parish priest avoids any contact.  But he is part of the mix there, and why so little going on, the spiritual ebb flow low.

I did commend the women on their at least speaking to me.  Others do not--not a smile, not a "hello", not a glance as we are all leaving or outside.  I suggested to the two Inquisitors, that we try to just let the analysis drop, leave it for those others, if any, whose business it might be, and get to know one another as Christians.  I said there remains still an itty bit of sense of humor remaining, and I laughingly pointed at my shoes and that my feet are on the ground, and I'd love for them to visit me in my fixer upper, or to ask me to join them for a cup of coffee, and to talk of other than what is difficult to grasp and does not really matter, or should not.

But the encounter was deeply foul, as well as the situation spiritually there.  I called the spiritual father and reported to him, but also by then the physical suffering was so great, that my returning to this particular parish was not feasible.  When I called after I realized my having been taking the wrong medication for the head pain and not realizing it sooner, I could better explain about the Mass at that parish, the priest, and the encounter with two of the handful there.

Is this parish and this priest some kind of assignment for me?  My spiritual father does not know. He mentioned again how critical is the priest in parishes, for unhealthy ones tend to propitiate dis-ease.  As the leader goes, there go the followers.  We discussed, from the conversation I had with the women of which there was more than I have commented above, that these people likely are content with their parish and spiritual lives and not wanting other.  My silent, immobile presence had irked them, that was obvious.  Yes, there was much more to the Inquisition.

At one point, one of the women asked what I sense of their parish.  I did not want to say, but she asked again.  I put it that there seem to be some issues there.  It was not easy to throttle the words so prominent, but I held them in.  The best descriptor remains:  Creepy.  It is so sad and creepy.  How I wish I did not sense things so deeply, and even more deeply during Mass. Painful.

It is concluded for now that I will need more direct and obviously discernible instruction from God before I will return.  This may be a scenario of people entangled in the heavy nets just beneath the water's surface, and my trying to tread water and cut the ropes and try to help--but not at all what God wishes of me.  He may be saying again:  Swim on out into the deep.  They will be all right.  God is taking care of them.  Who am I?  I am nothing.

My spiritual father reminded me that people and situations aren't going to change over night.  But he also does not know if these people desire more.  Seems not.  I desire more, though, and my own spiritual life is hindered and weakened when I tread water and try to be where presence seems negative.  I asked Jesus the other night, "Lord, where is the freedom? Where is the joy?"

The immolation that I am to be may be this tremendous life of physical suffering and hardship, and the deep, spiritual suffering of seeing and experiencing what is and not being able to do anything about it--other than get swimming out into the deep and uncharted (at least by me) waters.

I've admitted to His Real Presence that if I am to not pay any attention to such as these women, or the others, or the priest or the essence of the unhealthiness sensed during Mass, that I need more strength and more graces and more assurance to return.  For now I pray for all of us, yet from a distance.  There is much work to do both spiritually and physically right here, in the plight of Te Deum House and in my imperfect soul abode.

There are so many other prayer concerns coming into our spheres of consciousness, even in the growing soul awareness, the spheres melding and evolving in one progression in His love, in His Real Presence.  Tend these prayer needs of so many other souls and circumstances.

Press on, press on.  Thanks be to God, the grace and strength to press on, not quite knowing how or where to press, other than press on.

I give thanks to my^* God always for you because of the grace of God that has been given you in Christ Jesus, ⁵for in every way you have been enriched in him, in speech and knowledge of every kind— ⁶just as the testimony of^* Christ has been strengthened among you— ⁷so that you are not lacking in any spiritual gift as you wait for the revealing of our Lord Jesus Christ. ⁸He will also strengthen you to the end, so that you may be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. ⁹God is faithful; by him you were called into the fellowship of his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.  (1 Cor 1:4-9)

Hold the Torch or Merely Bear It?

I have pondered today, also, various visions and forewarning events of the past, prior to my conversion to Catholicism.  I suppose one must examine all in context and time frame, over the years as the body, mind, heart and soul progress in this journey to His Real Presence, knowing that one is through, with and in Him all along.

It helps, also, to reflect upon what trusted and decent others have said, here and there.  All these aspects do shed light upon the path and help us discern God's will and the way we are to trod. 

One dear minister of advanced years, told me later that he always considered me a prophetess.  That stunned me, as I had not considered that role or assignment, per se.  I suppose it is in part an aspect, though, of the Christian life; some must hold the torch upon the truth and allow its full reflection to be seen by others, even if the consequences may mean a metaphoric or in some way an actualized, toss into the cistern.  Or, sometimes one is called upon to bear the truth and be the immolation in whatever way is most difficult and painful.

Another minister, younger and of whom I saw raw, partially gesticulated fish vomiting from his mouth as he read Scripture in the worship service one Sunday morning, did not appreciate my giving him a message, a few days later.  I was shown and told this, and I shed light on it:  You are an adulterer.

Now, this man was married and quite faithful in his marital vows as far as sexual fidelity.  But the Lord told me it just as He showed me:  an adulterer.  Knowing the man's faithfulness in the typical sense, I researched the word adulterer, of which adulterate clarified the message. 

Yes, it took guts to tell this minister and to explain why the word came to me, and when, and how, and from whom.  I tried to speak gently, kindly, and owned that this can befall any of us.  But the fact was, the Lord had shown me and told me, that this minister, a man of the cloth, had been adulterating his position.  He was making the words he read from the Scriptures, impure, tainted and altered due to the very way he so poorly treated his elderly secretary and a few others, when he thought no one would notice.  

He was delivering inferior goods of his spiritual learning and leadership, adulterating the Gospel message, and not being faithful to Whom he represented as leader of this particular congregation, this church.  I simply asked him to please consider what I was told, and to try to treat those he mistreated, with charity and justice.  Then, also, I likely would not be shown the masticated, raw fish spewing from his mouth on Sunday morning when he read Scriptures to us.

I assured him that whenever I am shown something of any need for improvement in others, I likewise see it as a reminder for my own life.  I gave him some examples.  I wanted him to grasp that I am with him in desiring what the Lord would like in change for the better, in me, and in him who represented Christianity as a pastor in that particular church.

After my conversion to Catholicism, there were more encounters, but I wanted to fit in better and did not desire controversy.  However, there were several instances of being given a torch that essentially shed light on some issues that were too negative to let pass.  Sometimes I would try to bear the wrong for the other person or persons.  I would pray and suffer.  

But often enough, the situation was dire enough that required my holding the torch up close for the person to see for him- or herself, the flaw, the wrong, the offense against our calling as Christians:  our offense against His Real Presence.  Most often, our offenses against His Real Presence are meted out through offending others or being offensive in our selves.

A friend once wrote, after feeling terrible for the suffering I'd endure as a result of what I was shown, holding the torch or to bear it, and she said, "Stop reading priests' souls!"  Then, shortly after, she wrote again and said, "I'm sorry.  I realize you aren't doing it but rather God is showing you what you'd probably rather not have to see and that the rest of us miss."

It is a terrible suffering to be given a torch to hold, to shed light on what one is shown that is not what we or others wish to have revealed.  It is also a terrible suffering to bear the torch, to carry it in silence but all the same see what could so easily be improved or altered for the good of all souls.  And it is yet another suffering to be placed in a position where one must speak to the person or persons involved, to hold the torch closer and show them, to share with them the knowledge of what they wanted to be kept in the dark.  And then one must offer ideas as to how to change the situation, to correct, and then also to encourage and uplift the person that with God, all things are possible.

Sometimes people do not want to improve.  Those people often react negatively and want the person holding the torch or even bearing it, to be out of sight and out of mind.  Run the person out, toss him down the cistern, sell him off as a slave, discredit, imprison, decapitate.  All these responses do happen in one way or another even if not literally.

Bruno seemed to have grown weary of battling the bishop who was bothered by his teaching abilities and success in 11th century Cologne, Germany.  He had six companions, two or three of them also priests, who left for the farthest reaches of the Alps so they could worship and adore His Real Presence far from the temporal Catholic world and those such as bishops--far, far away from the adulteration that can creep into even the most lofty person, at least to the eyes of the unwitting public.

Bruno did not make his escape right away after he and his friends made a pact to do it.  They waited for the right timing, and off they went, not quite knowing where in particular and even thinking perhaps they might join in with some Benedictine monks with whom they wintered over.  But come spring, they set off, walking into the French Alps, finding a most remote area in which to begin their lives in truth, beauty, goodness and freedom from temporal spiritual oppression.  (Bruno did not set out to create the Carthusian order.  He lived it; one of his companions developed it into an order after Bruno's death.)

The mystical spiritual oppression is yet another battle and one that cannot be escaped by moving from place to place.  That has to be discerned and faced, the torch held up close to it.  It must be exposed and borne, both.  Hold the torch and bear it.

Regardless, my thoughts return to asking His Real Presence if my task is to keep writing of the process, and to hold the torch as well as to bear it when shedding the light is not effective in itself.  Am I to write of what I see and experience, even though shameful in ways, or at least ought to be shaming?  Ought I remain in this hovel, in the farthest reaches from most humanity and hidden away from the eyes of men, and yet hold the torch to what is shown me either through visions or temporal encounters?

As one of my longest-time friends said when I was considering if God wanted me to move from the terrorizing neighbors, "You can pray for them from a distance.  You don't need to live right next door to them any longer and be abused and threatened."  I wonder if that is advice, likewise, for the more local parish, or for any parish?  I certainly do suffer and grieve about the situations that I am shown and of which my simple, silent presence seems to be a torch in itself, igniting and then exposing icy, fearful, and judgmental reactions.  And a whole lot more.

Yes, for now I will be the immolation in this hovel cistern hermitage, and I will pray and pray for neighbors far away and close, and for thy neighbor as thyself in church parishes and church congregations the world over.  I will suffer much for all that is torched of my own soul, too.  And that is probably the most painful to bear.