"Ye shall know them by their fruit." (Matthew 7:16)
I have pondered this recently, in light of some friends mentioning someone who has never met me had publicly judged and discerned the mystical state I have had during Mass that began nearly six years ago. Of course, others may think what they want, and it is natural for people to try to analyze and figure out what seems unusual or atypical, especially when it comes to the supernatural or mystical.
There have been many others who have tried to figure it out and have judged. Some judged one way and then later changed their judgments. It is true that I am the only one to rightly discern, other than perhaps Dr. H. who is thus far the only person I know who has any actual experience with such things and who has known me for nearly three decades. However, one can be deceived. Yet, over time and with research and prayer, and given years of other experiences, the discernment process sorts itself.
Some could say that the fruit of the state at Mass has been bad. There has been much suffering as a result, not only the physical suffering of people causing physical injury in their not understanding for whatever reason (genuine concern or upset and angry), but also emotionally for me; it has not been handled all that well by others.
My spiritual father says he blames the priests for not handling it well, for not dealing with it and dealing with parishioners regarding such matters. Close friends remind that the Catholic Church as represented in people, has never been that good to people who have mystical experiences.
The question that comes to me, is: Whose or what fruit is bad?
Is it the fruit that comes from the state itself that is bad? Am I at fault, for the bad fruit, that seems to come from the state at Mass? Or is the bad fruit of those who react to the state and to me as the person they perceive as causing it?
Who or what is the bad fruit then? Is the bad fruit resulting from people (priests included) who shun or who fear or who judge or doubt based upon a not-unheard-of phenomenon, even if somewhat rare? Or is the bad fruit resulting from me who started experiencing this phenomenon a couple weeks after a dream vision and locution in which my angel lead me to and said I was being shown the stairway to heaven?
Is the bad fruit a result of my obeying a bishop who told me to stand or walk around--as he and someone he consulted thought I had some kind of inner control over this when prior he thought otherwise? Is the bad fruit a result of my being honest in describing the state and any messages or insights emanating from it? Is the bad fruit due to my obeying a monsignor and not answering people's questions in one parish, or in being honest in others?
As a friend wrote this morning, I had been given a beautiful gift that I was willing to share despite it being personally embarrassing in its visibility, but that others have feared, judged and shunned for the most part, as a result.
So from whom does the bad fruit of this situation come? Frankly, all had been rather blissful other than when shown occasional, situational, negative, temporal intrusion in the Mass. Regardless, it was profoundly spiritual in the fruit of the insights and message and its sign of the power of the Mass and all Sacraments in the Mass as the stairway to heaven--until others reacted negatively.
The negativity and "bad fruit" of others' negative and hurtful reactions has caused me to ask His Real Presence as to why I was called into the Catholic Church over 19 years ago. It is good to review and ask the question. Was it to come to this point of exile? Is He now calling me through to some other side or dimension of the Catholic Church--or through to some aspect beyond the temporal aspects of the Catholic Church?
Or is this all part of the call to suffer, and somehow I am to suffer for the wrongs of the temporal aspects of the Church which are undeniable in history and yet today, for wherever there are humans, there is evil and sin as well as the propensity to love. It is all in our free will, given us to choose: nastiness or good.
Or am I to take the peace and love I offered but has not been offered back, and move on to the next place? What and where is the next place? More the spiritual, more to love God and others, beyond the physical and temporal? (It is true that I have offered talents and gifts and attempted much good in the past many years only to be hindered--usually by priests--time and again, within the Church.)
Another friend, a life-long Catholic, has emailed that this abusive way is the way the Church has always mistreated Her mystics and saints. Why, I wonder, does this seem to somehow be the accepted practice? Can we not learn and grow from such as that, into something better? But I then consider what Jesus' fellow Jews did to Him, and God the Father, the Source of all beingness and energy, allowed it for salvific purpose.
But truly, I yet ask His Real Presence, is my material presence in the temporal Church finished? Is this exile meant for a period of time or for the rest of my earthly days? Am I to now be more universal in outreach, to go beyond parish parameters, so to speak, and more into the spiritual and mystical realm of love of God?