Humility, Humility, All About

The mind is a-flutter with wondering what next and where and how.  Then remembered the cloud analogy.  There are many clouds today, woven as a blanket; no, more like a washed, concrete ceiling.  Regardless, if we could put our hands up and touch, we'd keep reaching and touching and touching and reaching--never stopping.  We'd never feel or be stopped by the ceiling.

Seemed the best thing to do rather than despair over the financial trials, the energy of body trials, the realization that this place is not nearly finished and not salable, and lots of work to be done before any hope of moving on, and not wanting to move on but facing being stopped by the ceiling.  Or floor.  

So this situation here is not like the clouds.  But the reaction to and dealing with it is like we deal with the clouds.  We notice them sometimes, but not really too much.  We don't bother trying to touch them for we know we cannot, not really. Yes, we might feel the cool and moist or be bathed in water drops if we could put our hands or bodies inside a rain cloud.  But we aren't in a rain cloud usually, unless in an airplane flying through.

The best thing to do is to just try to keep working on the place and know that the clouds will be totally different another hour or day.  That is the way to deal with life's trials, too.  Just keep the nose to the grindstone, praying all the while, sensing the beauty of the created world all about, and accept that the clouds come and go.  And so must we.

We are changing all the time, as is all else living and created...clouds, and even stones.  

Can't find the construction stapler.  Need it to staple the felt paper to the old flooring up here so can screw down the plywood sub-flooring.  Prayed and prayed, looked and looked:  still no stapler.  Last time used was when Francisco helped staple the insulation in downstairs ceiling.  We each had a stapler.  Found the staples, just no stapler, not yet.  Will keep praying and trying to locate.

Humility, humility, is all about us.  It is like the clouds, present and there, visible moisture at a distance but quite willing to gift into our souls, our inner moist and warm and welcoming souls.  Let us hope and pray our souls are welcoming to humility.  Pride is its only obstacle.

In thoughts on humility this morning, amidst the tears and questions as to how this life can be so difficult sometimes.  How on earth, literally, is this tired nothing Catholic hermit going to finish this dwelling so can sell it, yet have enough income to remain for the long time it takes this old hermit to do so much manual labor?  The thoughts blew about the mind like frantic winds.  Then came the thought:  Do or die.

That is humbling.  It does come down to this, does it not?  So lined up the medication bottles in a row, and stirred some stoic effort and stated:  Do or die!  Yes, Lord, it is do or die time.  So humbling!  And the obvious action is to do!  Even if one feels as if it has lived all the cat's nine lives, one must get up, shake off the bodily pain, dress, eat something (thankful for food), and get to work.

Too tired to even try to sell off the supplies, so had better work with them and use them and have the place any bit farther along in finished effect.  As for setting a four-month deadline to finish...the psyche balks at that.  Seems too impossible.  Remember the clouds?  Could we possibly tell the clouds to be in a certain location or formation four months from now?  Hardly and not!

That, too, is humbling.  We actually have no more control on the moment after this next one, than we do in grabbing a cloud or in making one do as we wish or think would be best.

Humility is being a cloud.  Seems so.  Clouds are given titles.  There is the generic title of "cloud" that God has inspired in the naming.  Then someone came along and was organized and scientific-minded, and decided (was inspired by God) to give the types of clouds titles--distinguishing each from another type.  We had to learn those names as children in science class, perhaps around fifth grade.  Four types, it seems, and probably more now.  We people keep thinking up more and more distinguishing aspects.  These can be useful to scientists and good to memorize for the discipline of expanding knowledge and stretching the mind.  

But the overall title of "clouds" suffices for most of us.  We don't usually even consider the clouds but keep our heads down more and more, into technology and into work that has us indoors a lot, and not looking up to the heavens.  Seems like to the clouds, having a title probably means nothing at all. Don't know if God needs them to have a title; probably not, other than as a gift to us to help us appreciate more and identify this or that, by giving all things and thoughts, names.

Underneath the names, though, humility can be all about. Up above our earthly trials, humility can be all about.  Deep within our pained bodies and our seeking souls, humility can be all about.  It can come all of a sudden or be like a blanket, or like that washed, concrete ceiling--a cloud itself can be the humility all about our souls!

(Maybe in addition to love, humility is friends with faith.)

Now, to have another look about for that stapler.  Do or die!

God bless His Real Presence in us, little children!  Let us love one another and love the clouds! Humility, humility is all about!  See it if we can; always accept and let it into our souls!

Temporal Efforts, Pain; Spiritual Efforts, God Works!

Well, the back is still very tricky with pain.  Had to over do because somehow the internet server went caput on Saturday.  Another server was available, also somehow, but it is a weak and intermittent signal.  Slow, but slowness is one of the Nine S'.  Good for it!

But had to go up and down the stairs several times, doing things that two Comcast techs each said to do with router and modem, then back up where is this bed--the only place to sit or recline in the place--and where the laptop is kept, usually under covers to keep safe from crud and construction stuff.

Am praising His Real Presence that could cancel a doctor appointment made when thought a sinus infection and bad, right kidney!  Buddy the Back has provided some variety and a new set of symptoms.  What a lovely thing, rather than the same old symptoms.  

Each couple of years there are new ones when back sieges take hold.  A couple years ago it was intestinal problems, which still occur, but are, yes, radiating back pain.  Did not have that this time other than once.  Instead, kidney area and inner ear problems, and always the awful, sickening back pain, going down the legs and up and down the spine, and the always headache.

Took longer to get online to check news so as to pray for people with REAL troubles, far worse than the little piddling stuff here, although friends repeatedly say the build up of odd occurrences as well as more typical obstacles is NOT NORMAL.

Now the printer will not work with this other server, so am praying the new router and modem they are sending, will be what the printer will "find."  It took hours with the printer help line a couple months ago, when the printer would not set up to do the labels for the St. Bernard Love of God Bourbon Balls. That was when the laptop was not working properly. Well, probably wrote about that series of obstacles, ending in sending the love balls to the place that ordered them, using homespun, hand-printed labels which the folks placing the order said was all right that time, "in a pinch."

Francisco did not show up last Friday, the day before the back gave out fully.  And he has not responded to inquiry calls.  Yet the week before Francisco did come, and together we built the landing in preparation for new stairs.  Mark the electrician will come on Wednesday, unless am yet prone on this twin bed in here.  He will assist with some framing of walls, unless the back allows this nothing to do it tomorrow.  And all depends upon His Real Presence and what He wills and allows.

It all must go in a flow, and all comes to be seen according to God's will.  

The daughter called, and it was good that this nothing had not burdened her this time with the pain siege. Yes, nothing remembered what the spiritual father had reminded the other night:  She has her own troubles.  For sure, and it is part of our loving and serving others and dying to self to develop empathy and understanding, even if we might think their troubles would not such troubles to us.  

They would be just as troublesome to us if not more so.  For we must learn to view from inside others, and with their years and experiences, and their personalities and degree of learned coping mechanisms, and also their faith understanding and progression spiritually.  Factoring in these aspects, if we were in someone else's body, mind and emotions, yes, they would be troubles enough to us, also, and then some.

That is what this nothing has learned very much over the years, when people do not see the pain in this bodily frame, nor grasp what happens when pain is constant and waxes and wanes but never runs dry.  "Just take pills!"  "Surely there is something that can be done!"  "Go to a pain clinic!"  Well, all has been tried, and no, there is nothing that can be done. 

Persevere and endure:  perdure, even. Turn to His Real Presence more and more and then more!  Praise!  Pray! And keep busy!  Consider the good in all situations.  These can be done; they help.  Faith, hope, and love.  Offer it all up as prayer.  (Remember once a priest who asked this nothing lump of suffering, "Why suffering?"  This nothing replied, "Because it works!"  Yes, all things of God--God works like nothing else can or does.  God Is Love.  Love works!

So we keep striving in His Real Presence, in all manner of strivings, to love and serve others.  Prayer is a loving service, and also is not being a burden to those who are tired of a burden (like someone's pain sieges).  So, for example, this nothing engaged in asking and have genuine interest in the daughters' college students, the plans for the quarter, and the little grandson, of course.  Will ever try to be as others would like, as long as it also pleases His Real Presence.  

Concern, caring, love, and service as much as one can--being encouraging and expressing what a good job someone is doing in rearing a child and teaching adults, and relating with a husband:  it is all love and service and within what God desires, His will.  But cannot change the spiritual within.

For that, a young woman called today; and tomorrow will be a discussion on a book her spiritual director recommended on John of the Cross and Teresa of Avila.  No, it is not one to which this nothing gravitates, although had it for years, unread.  Can skim and scan it, though.  

Otherwise too many words like empty calories through which to chew and digest, of a late author's second- and third-person takes and interpolations of what the first-persons wrote from their hearts and minds initially.  Just prefer (this nothing does...) to read straight from the saints' pens.  But this time, it is love and service to read what the young friend wants and is supposed to read.  In reading the first chapters have benefitted in re-meeting the weariness of wordiness.  Is a  tiresome habit personally too close to this home-hermitage and nothing hermit: wordiness.   

With that, will close.  If anything of worth or assistance to anyone in your own lives, of all these words, praise God!  God bless His Real Presence in us, as always!

Divine Retribution, Reparation

Yes, this is the regard that the Horatio Spaffords were afforded by their church, after repeated trials beset them.  Thus, this is what the hermit was trying to express to its cousin who questions how God could allow the repeated "hard knocks" this hermit experiences in life.  "It is not normal," she and others say.

However, in the spectrum of life and in the world of some Christians--and we may not know or grasp why God has some in for more than others--the trials this hermit experiences are less than what others bear in much heavier crosses.  That is why relating the life story of Horatio and Anna Spafford and their tragedies of the 1870's in Chicago, made at least a bridge of thought to the cousin's queries.

She herself has not been inured from trials and hardships, even if not in living circumstances and finances.  She and her husband have faced serious health issues and the loss of his far better paying job.  And, this hermit mentioned the children with terminal illnesses, or people with blindness, deafness, paralysis.  And, as to any of us, we never know the day nor the hour for any cross that may seem too heavy to lift, let alone to carry.

But it was the Spafford's church saying their tragedies were divine punishment, that spurred them and some friends to form a group dubbed by journalists as "The Overcomers."  When thirteen adults and three of their children moved to Jerusalem in 1881 to help any Jews, Muslims, or Christians in need, their group became known as the American Colony.

How this relates with this hermit (and perhaps with some of you readers) is that the hermit has been pondering, while being taken down, down, down, that these current trials and some of the past, in addition to being the Lord's means of yet more necessary humbling of His eremitic servant, He also is allowing for the hermit to be making reparation, retribution, for its many sins and failings in life.

A list could easily be written of some of them, from broad categories to specific wrong-doings.  But it is not necessary here.  The thoughts have floated through the hermit's mind from its soul, for a few days in this period of physical inertia.  Much is going on within.  (Perhaps when so much is going on within, the body actually needs a period of inertia for otherwise the inner would be too much for a body and a mind, a heart and a soul to continue functioning?)

Yes, being taken down allows for penitence, for mourning over past and present failings and sins, for lost faith in bits and pieces, like the crumbles that drop when cutting foam insulation board.

To mourn and weep, to be temporarily immobilized in order to be shown, deeply within, the sins and also to be awakened to the sins of mankind in general, improves the soil for cultivating a spirit of penance and a desire to make retribution for the wrongs of the sinful self and the sins of all mankind.

Whether or not there will be an outreach or good "work" in the context of how the Spafford's created a religious community that did much good, remains yet for His Real Presence to tell this hermit.  The hermit is not anticipating anything of the sort, for it is a hermit; the function of a hermit is stricter separation from the world and praise of God and assiduous prayer and penance.  

Some hermits in history, were called from more extreme solitude and into more active works of mercy, or at least into more contact with people who desired their consult and prayers.  But this hermit does not anticipate anything but being in the reparation and retribution business, which is good works, even if painfully good ones.   We never know, though, from one day to the next, other than God is with us, and we are with Him if we desire and choose to be.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Let us love one another, little children all!  Remain in His Love!

Hermit Taken Down

There are times like this in one's life, when His Real Presence allows a person, with a soul, to be taken down.  

At the time it feels as if a case of total hopelessness, but that is not the case.  Rather, it is simply:  being taken down. Dropped down in humility, taken down to the raw basics and realities, brought low to the ground or even crushed and allowed to feel broken.

This is necessary in order for germination and new growth.

On such occasions, when one's purpose in life is hard to pinpoint or recall, when the body experiences a certain inertia to rise and do even basic tasks, it is well to ponder deep within and remain in a state of calm rest.  It does no good to become despairing.  That is not the point of being taken down.  The point is to be emptied out of the extraneous and superfluous self-images and righteousness that may have collected over the days, months, or even years in a lifetime.

This hermit has been distracting itself with news videos, it being election day in this country.  In between, the hermit prays the Divine Office "hours" and reads the daily Mass Scriptures.  Then it considers what is important in life and tries to recall messages from God in various phases of its life.  A huge message occurred while in a hospital bed in the family room, a few weeks after the major back surgeries and accompanying death experience.

Dr. H. was visiting, trying to help the then Protestant single-mother, not yet cancelled from her career and hoping to somehow find relief from the horrific, constant pain that was not relieved by surgery.  Dr. H. was starting to grasp that this woman in her mid-thirties then, was facing serious pain that was not showing signs of much improvement.  One day he gave an assignment.  "Take some time to think about, pray about, what is your purpose in life."

The answer came immediately within, but Dr. H. had said to take some time, so the answer was not immediately shared with him.  When it was, he seemed rather disappointed.  The purpose was not what he had in mind, as he had meant more what is a purpose for the temporal aspect of life.  

In other words, he wanted to know:  What will you do?  How will you move forward and in what career capacity?  So when this young, educated, attractive, single woman and mother of three young children answered, "My purpose in life is to glorify God," it took some explaining as to why this is the preeminent, "foolproof" purpose.

Nothing can touch or hinder a purpose such as this.  To glorify God can happen no matter what befalls a person, no matter if alive or dead, no matter if alone or with many, no matter if broke or flush with funds, no matter if in this church or that.  To glorify God only depends upon the soul whose sole purpose is to glorify God.  No one can take it away, ever, unless the person lets go of it.

A cousin just called.  The hermit was so thankful.  It explained it had thought of calling the cousin so many times in the past few weeks but feared bursting into tears.  The cousin wants the hermit to return to the hometown.  She said it is nothing but hardship here, and each time there is nothing but more awful catastrophes and bad things that have occurred.  She said, "You realize, it is not normal for someone to have so many repeated hardships.  Surely God does not mean for you to be there."

Then the hermit spoke of being "taken down" by God:  humbled.  The cousin said, "You were never proud to begin with.  You did not ever think yourself better or that you flaunted living in a decent place, for you always lived in modest circumstances--nothing exclusive."  

But the hermit replied that it has been proud.  It has not been humble in deeper ways, such as who does it think it is, that it should not suffer and have hardship after hardship, that it should not be taken advantage of repeatedly by people out in the big world?  It is not all people, but it is enough of them in strategic aspects.  However, the hermit has seen how it has forgotten that there is no reason why it should be spared.

Then the hermit told the cousin about Horatio Spafford, as she recognized the hymn, "It Is Well With My Soul."  And the hermit was able to state that it is not only Catholics who persecute their own, for the Spaffords were Presbyterians.  So the cousin asked why would God want such hardships?  Wouldn't God want this hermit to have a decent place to live and not hard work and discomfort and trials one after another?

Well, why not?  Why should this hermit be spared?  Repeatedly in Scriptures we read of the narrow way, the narrow gate, to pick up our crosses daily.  For those to whom much is given, much is expected.  This hermit has been given marvelous spiritual gifts, and with that comes training, and training can be rigorous.

For one thing, the hermit shared with the cousin that unpacking dishes and pans means nothing now.  (And the sink is not plumbed, anyway.)  But the stove could be used, but it is meaningless.  The hermit is used to three saucers, a bowl, a cup, a couple plastic spoons, a sharp knife, a microwave and small fridge.  Perhaps at some point the new refrigerator will be pulled out and shimmed to level it, and the pantry cabinet pulled out beside it and shimmed and bolted.  But that will take someone else to help, and none of it matters, ultimate.  None of these living conditions really matter, ultimately.

Perhaps today the hermit is best off in bed, or maybe to get up and put in three more panels of insulation.  (Each takes a lot of fitting, cutting and placing between uneven studs.)   The bulk of the day is needed to absorb God's taking the hermit down.  Down, down, down--deep into it's inner recesses of soul and clearing away the rat nests and cobwebs of residual debris that smells and creates obstacles against proper insulation from the outer detritus of the world and all its "things."

Today is the day to recall the hermit's purpose--then when young and with hopes of a career and less painful life ahead...yet not to be.  That life never happened and never will.  God did not ordain physical health, remarriage, tangible wealth, or ease of life circumstances--not with a neighbor, not with adult children, not with an abode, not with a parish (at least not in this phase).  

To glorify God necessitates being taken down now and then, and each time, to be taken more down.  More down, down, down, into the ground; and there, to be emptied out by being crushed.  There is glory in that because it is as God Himself did with His Son, Jesus Christ. 

We need our time periods in the Garden of Gethsemane and then our trial before our critical peers, and judgment by those who do not grasp, and then our humiliating parade through circumstances that read "failure" to those watching, and then our seemingly, nearly abandonment in crucifixion.

But this hermit's cousin came to the foot of its cross today, and her presence made all the difference.  Her compassion, her sharing of some trials with her own adult children, her listening to the possibilities as to why God allows such things, her recognizing the hymn--yes, it is well with our souls.

What is best to know even if we don't remember while we are being taken down, is that God raises up.  It may not be right away, but soon.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Little children, let us love one another, for love is of GOD!  Remain in His LOVE!


 

A Little Chat with Spiritual Father

Last night had a lovely phone conversation with the spiritual Father.  He continues to pray that this hermit will eventually have the energy, strength and necessary courage to drive the distance for Mass.  So does this hermit pray thus!  

The spiritual Father, now far away but accessible by phone, knows the past trials, sufferings, and persecutions, and also knows the reality of historical hermits, of which those not in religious orders of hermits (and some who were!), lived distances out and in solitude.  The women did not have Mass; the men who were not priests did not have Mass. 

He agrees to appreciate the hermit monks up the road, but given their different religious background and the polemics involved, best to hold as loving inspirations for what one can learn but to keep this hermit's life less complicated: simplicity.  

Yes, it is time for this hermit to listen and follow the Voice that speaks deep within, clearly in bell-tone, and not just sense these matters for others.  Several times, this hermit has ignored signals for itself, only to realize later His Real Presence very much meant the advice, warning, or statement.

Am yet in civilization, helping out in a quiet place but with two others.  One of the others goes to work, requiring this hermit's care for the one remaining here.  Am not used to speaking or the small bit of activity, calm and restful as it is.  The other day reflected that in the Te Deum hermitage, some several days can pass, and the hermit's voice has not made utterance unless a rare phone call--and they are rare.

Last evening in phone conversation, the spiritual Father commented that this, here, is a true hermit's life--what has evolved in the past 18 months or so.  Yes, it is, and the adaptation and greater faith required has been a challenge off-and-on.  Mentioned to him that of ten days ago, going to confession when in civilization (and also gathering some provisions).  Shared that the recently ordained parish priest made an assumption in the confessional:  "I bet you thought your hermit life was going to be really easy at first, and now you are surprised it is difficult."

This hermit did not respond to that assumption, as it was totally false.  Did not want to bother with a defense or explanation; just not worth the verbal effort, and it really did not matter if the young priest knew or not how it was for the hermit, years past.  Was not going to affect his well-needed time and efforts with active parishioners, and might not help him realize that making assumptions can be tricky.  He meant well or else simply assumed from not knowing how it is for some hermits (or maybe all if incisively honest).

But, no, this hermit never ever thought at any time that it would be easy--not from the first of God's revealing the hermit vocation over fourteen years ago to even today.  In fact, the sensation within this hermit was that of dread...and yet of a certainty to step forth into the desert!  Somehow, the reality of needing to die to so much of one's accumulation of outer and inner distractions has always been a reality, and a harsh one depending upon depth of self-disclosure, clarity of the reflective mirror.

Distractions of the temporal accumulations--but more, the distractions of the inner accumulations, the spiritual vices, the temptations to resist, for whatever the reasons, that which is challenging on the path of spiritual perfection--these require profound and repetitive dying.  

But granted, with each level of dying comes a rising, and it is key to note that there are levels, phases--a spiraling of the double-helix of the temporal and spiritual sloughing of accumulated distractions.  These deaths free the soul in mostly indiscernible increments to love progressively, and more perfectly, God in Himself, and in Himself to love all souls alive on earth and those souls alive but not physically tangible.

This hermit mentioned that this phase of its life is filled with more hardships than ever dreamed and ever lived--and after being given what could have, seemingly should have, been a secure and comfortable existence for the rest of earthly life.  The spiritual Father exclaimed, "But you are in the desert now!  In a very real desert!  You are a true hermit!"

And, to another eremitic effort, the spiritual Father mentioned on the phone last night, that breaking seven times from the physical and mental distractions of each day and night to pray the Divine Office, is difficult.  He repeated, "This is not easy!"  Truly, while it should not be so difficult in the mere thinking about what seems a small effort, times seven, any efforts against accumulated distractions are challenging.  

It is a truth, at least to this hermit, that no matter how cleverly or contentedly one may think one is in some spiritual discipline or gift of grace, there is never sole or soul assurance that one has "arrived".  For one has not arrived, not yet.  We will know more of arrival when after worldly and other-worldly purgation and progressions, we enter Heaven.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Little children, let us love one another, as He loves us!  Remain in His Love!