Catholic Hermit: Refuge in Christ

Been rough, some aspects of this consecrated Catholic hermit's present moment phase.  Yet the Lord tests me and then blesses me, even though I truly do not deserve such blessing and love.  Even the testing is proof of His love for my most imperfect, floundering soul.

Yesterday the Occupational Therapist went over the reality of future physical and movement limitations.  I had been excited thinking I'd be able to even paint a ceiling.  That would not require bending or twisting!  But the OT pointed out that the reaching overhead with a roller on a roller-extension bar, would all the same cause compression on the upper spine.  Thus, the disc and vertebrae above the sacrum and lumbar fusion would be compromised.  She said again, "You will end up needing more surgery if there is any wear and tear or abuse of the body."

I replied that it will take some thinking to figure out what, then, I will be able to "do" physically, or what tasks in typical life skills and home maintenance won't cause compression of the spine.  She encouraged, "You can do things sitting down!"

"No, I cannot sit!  I have not been able to sit for any length of time or much at all, for over three decades.  When I sit, it brings on a pain siege sooner, and it increases pain when I sit.  So I have had to avoid sitting for all these years."  This was my response, with my mind all the more searching for some idea of what will be my plight even after the year I was told needed for this surgery recovery.

So she said, "Well, you could do things standing, then."  But I had to explain to her that standing in one place has always been very painful, and was, along with sitting, what the surgeon years ago stated I should not do for any length of time because it increases pain and brings on the pain sieges.  Of course, I've had to sit at times such as the miraculous long drives I've had to do--three of them, in fact.  But I paid dearly with extra-awful and lengthy pain sieges.

So, walking around is it for me?  But I have permanent damage from that bizarre fall in the garden area of hardware store a year ago June 2.  I further explained to her that when I walk, or have walked prior to getting so disabled from the increasing back problems prior to surgery, I'd get terrible pain in the numb yet nerve-damaged left leg by the knee, with the bone by that knee highly inflamed, per MRI.  I have yet to get an appointment with a specialist to see if there is anything that can improve that situation.  

The OT started repeating to ask the surgeon what he thinks when I see him.  She said explain to him the type of "projects" I have in mind, and see what he says.  In the meantime, she mentioned I could garden such as prune roses--if I have a container to drop the clippings in, and use the grabber-reacher tool for anything that falls to the ground, and have a helper carry the container to the trash bin.  She felt I could mow, eventually, as that is pushing and using the legs--but be careful to empty the grass bag before it gets heavy, and learn to squat enough with spine straight "as a log", when removing and replacing the grass catcher bag.

Here I was, once more reeling from this situation of which I'd not realistically thought through the long term ramifications.  Still, I summoned hope in God that with a super amount of leg and body core exercises, perhaps my situation would not be so limited.  Definitely, though, the realities spoken to me had me realizing living in this hermitage with upkeep and a yard, was going to likely mean major life changes in that regard.  I can do it!  I know I can, but it is just going to take some figuring and help and acceptance to do so.  God's graces in abundance are needed--in fact, needed also to stay in the Order of the Present Moment for now!

It was the eldest grandchild's 13th birthday.  I decided to call and hope in God the call would be answered. Yes!  Had a lovely conversation catching up with the eldest daughter, and then the granddaughter got home from a friend's, and we had a lovely conversation, as well!  God reached in with a major uplift! He is pointing the way out of the gloomy aspects of physical reality.  

The granddaughter gave me her email and even has a phone now, so I have the number!  This is major, for even a hermit such as myself and others, who are now single but have been married long ago for a brief time, can have children now grown, and grandchildren.

A Catholic hermit, secure for over 20 years of eremetic postulancy, novitiate, profession and avowal, living the hermit vocation in the Consecrated life of the Church, includes all people within the life of prayer and praise, extends hospitality and charity to all people who are in the hermit's life--the known and strangers, the beloved and those who choose for whatever their reasons to be enemies.  

(The consecrated Catholic hermit's life includes praying and praising for all peoples and situations, and to love all no matter what.  Charity rules; and hospitality extends to all even if but in silent prayer, even if not in verbal or written contact.  Each hermit has to heed what contacts and the amount of them the hermit's situation can accommodate.  For me, the number are few, and I must keep priorities as to amount; pain does restrict, as well as to the degree of silence of solitude in whatever way the Lord wills and prescribes.)

Last night I forgot until late to take one of the pain meds.  I had cut back on this one, to one at night and skipped successfully the day dose.  So I thought time to see if I could manage without the night dose, as well.  I awoke with too much pain at 3 a.m.  So I had to increase the amount of the another pain med and finally sleep again after much time had passed.  In that time of waiting for sleep, I heard noise at the front door, then it seemed as if the ice pump's motor was making  a louder hum than normal.  Would it stop working?  And was someone at the front door?

It was then that I realized just how vulnerable I am in here, barely able to do for myself although certainly more than four weeks ago!  I slept again, and awoke with pain threatening with added spinal headache.  Time for meds plus an added for the headache.  Then when I got the body up, the toilet had jammed!  I had to lift the added seat riser onto the walker and get it to the other toilet--that by the grace of God, truly, the grandson who happened to visit yesterday morning had unplugged with a plunger the daughter had brought a few days ago.

It all worked out, although I strained the back more than it was quite ready.  No harm done other than some added pain.  It will simmer down in time.  But then I realized just how very helpless I am!  I texted the neighbor--the only one I know, really, and that also by the grace of God.  The two children came over, and the boy was able to unplug the toilet by the bedroom, and he carried back the toilet seat riser.  God provided, once again!  And they put fresh ice in the ice pump, and assured me it seems to be working all right.

I do realize, also, how ridiculous these details can be.  Yet in my present world, I know the Lord is not only testing me but is helping me vastly with facing realities that I do need to face.  And all the more, He reminds me that HE PROVIDES.  He reminds me to turn to Him in all matters, all things.  I returned to praising Him for the many blessings, and for how well I'm doing four weeks after surgery.  It all could be so much worse!  I'm fortunate indeed!

[Today, August 22, day after I wrote this post: I realize that I have twisted the actual commentary analysis of this selection from Judges, as the allegory or fable is not really about God being king, bur rather is trying to explain to us of how a thorn tree cannot actually produce good or even cast much of a shadow.  But I will leave this post in here, for to me, yesterday, I needed very much to consider Christ as King over me, and in faith for me to take refuge in His shadow.  Even if I have taken liberties with the explanation of the rest of the verses in this selection, may God be pleased with my yearning for Him to rule over me and for me to take refuge in His shadow.]

This portion of today's Mass first reading from Judges, says it all to me, personally, in what I need today and always--as to what the Lord wants of me and of you, of all of us!

If you wish to anoint Me king over you in good faith,
come and take refuge in My shadow.

Lord Jesus Christ, I wish to anoint You king over me in good faith and in love, as well.  I come and take refuge in Your shadow now and forever.

Humility!  Obeisance!  Consider the humility and obedience yet great the graces imbued by the Lord when a desirous but imperfect human takes refuge in the shadow of God!

Thank you, dear Holy Trinity--Father, Son, and Holy Spirit--for Your Real Presence within me, and for allowing me to abide in You, take refuge in You, humbly to remain in Your shadow.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit Reconsiders Praise of God

The couple who brings me Communion on Sunday mornings has returned from their near-month-long mystery trip.  Yesterday morning they brought His Real Presence in the consecrated Host, and I'm the blessed recipient of their kindness in doing so.

They also felt I needed to get to a doctor yet that day, for my illness has continued on three weeks now, without significant improvement.  Sharp pains in my head have erupted in the past two or so days.  I did mention that I was not sure I could make the trip and back, but there was no offer to take me, and by that I know the Lord intends to provide for my needs Himself and that is the fact of such circumstances.

And so He did, although by the time I returned, it took all what little energy left to get my drained body and weak legs to manage the four deck steps so I could get into the hermitage and flop on the mattress.  

But the Lord and I managed the trip.  A nurse practitioner prescribed Doxycyclene which she said is stronger and a longer dose than the Z-pack that did help a little but was ultimately a "fail", as she put it--not getting rid of the sinus and lung infections.  If not a lot improved in a few days, I'm to get lungs x-rayed.

The man of the parish couple did offer to return with another when this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit is feeling better.  They will try to remove and replace properly the mattress apparatus of the sleeper sofa.  This is a huge relief to me, as the first contractor four years ago and the two college men he employed that spring and summer were employed by me to unload the truck.  

Those three decided they could not lift the sofa into the hermitage as it was heavy, even though always two younger boys where I lived previously had done so in my several moves.  The lovely sofa bed is useless if not corrected, and I am most grateful to the parish man who offers to bring another to help right the wrong.

God does provide!

I shared with the parish couple the various missteps of the medical community in my health care.  I mentioned that I am tired of people trying to take advantage, as I am as responsible for their souls as of my own if I knowingly or suspect others are doing wrong and let them proceed.  There have been ridiculous charges and misinformation.  I am being bled financially by Medicare copay insurance companies which willy-nilly drop medications that previously they would cover, or change plans without notifying and always to their advantage--or do not pay the bulk of co-pay on medical conglomerates' high fees on rather trumped up services.

I have no idea what yesterday's visit to a medical clinic in the conglomerate of doctor groups will charge; and I had to pay a high cost for the antibiotic.  Costco pharmacy is closed on Sunday, and I could not have physically made it the added journey to go there regardless so accepted a pharmacy near the clinic.  

Above all, I know the Lord provided the strength to get to the clinic and to allow another round of antibiotics for when I called Saturday, another clinic restated that they are unlikely to give antibiotics due to a "CDC crackdown" on antibiotics.  So many regulations and a lessening of individualized considerations are becoming the new normal.

Praise be to God that His Real Presence continues to deal with us to the specific detail and individualized loving care--God counting all the hairs of our heads and knowing each nuance of our temporal and spiritual lives, each nook and cranny of our very souls!

And this is so for our vocations and lives, and for our seasons of life.  Lent continues to unfold in exactly the prescribed manner that God chooses for each of us.  Increasingly I am reminded to not be discouraged and to simply wait, praying for faith and a true grasp of hope that is not seen, and as ever, to learn that the only reaction I must ever entertain is that of love.

A young spiritual friend emailed that she had been tempted to envy a week ago but battled back against those thoughts.  I admit that the Good Lord had allowed my own thoughts to be tempted to a bit of envy, I suppose it would be.  It had to do with another whose life has been like so many lives described by the Psalmists--that the evil doers seem to thrive when those who strive to obey the Lord's precepts struggle and suffer in this temporal realm.

But, I know that I am not without sin, and also that a huge chunk of my mission is that of my suffering being united with the sufferings of Holy Mother Church.  The challenge I have is to not resent the suffering but to let it be as it is, yet without focusing much on it.  

I simply sense that I am like a table lamp plugged in, and the current of suffering flows in and out circuitously, with the power of the Holy Spirt and the suffering of the Church and my suffering as one.  Yes, my task is to not resent the levels of suffering and that my life is one of suffering--seemingly odd sufferings in part--and that striving to praise God and rejoice regardless is what I desire and ought attain.

The young friend had written that she'd read Ecclesiastes and Proverbs as St. Bernard recommends prior to reading his Sermons on the Song of Songs.  I admitted I have not finished reading even one of the two Old Testament wisdom books.  But I have started, and that is better than nothing.  She also made the observation that the Old Testament Scriptures are filled with praises of God.  Yes, this is so, and I was pleased she'd seen that marvelous reality.

And I am thankful for the reminder, for that is what, in my determination to not let the unknowns of this current illness and its outcome, to be a discouragement but rather to be a praise-of-God event!  I have asked the Lord to heal my head and lungs, to return my energy and me to health.  There is now outdoor work accumulating as spring progresses.  I did feel an odd tingling in the upper left lung area and neck into head yesterday morning, but obviously I needed the tangible help of another round of antibiotics and continued mattress rest.

A friend from afar had mailed another box--jammed with nuts, protein bars, dried fruit, and even some Nutella--a treat I never would afford myself but feel quite thrilled to enjoy.  So I can get up enough to have something to eat that does not require cooking or even standing by the microwave.

And I consider these Scriptures from Isaiah 65 in today's first Mass reading.  They remind me once again, emphatically, to not think back over the past but to live in God's glory of the present moment of which each moment is new and fresh, filled with marvelous possibilities always assured of His love and mercy for His beloved children--us!  

And our praise of God  is love of God, and that love of God and others must be our only reactions no matter the situations or human circumstances.  If others make themselves our enemies, we do not have to be theirs.  If others in the reality of flawed human nature are tempted to take advantage in whatever ways or means, we must do what we can to not let them but otherwise accept the consequences without rancor and turn instead to the loving providence of God.

So it was when my financial advisor, a dear and solid Catholic friend as well, called this morning as I need to drain out yet more funds to meet the additional costs medically and otherwise this month, I told him that I have no idea what is to become of me, but that God does.  And that I will just keep enduring here, praying to get well, and then returning to what work I can do, hang on until the last moment before this "plane" crashes, and then eject--but not before.  And, if I lose all, I will simply begin again.

Anyway, these are the words from Isaiah 65 that so inspire me today.  You will see why, and I pray they inspire you likewise!  It is Lent, and each moment and each breath is being made new and fresh by our dear Lord and God.  Easter is coming with yet more promise of resurrection!  Let us praise God in all things, in all circumstances, and love Him for Himself--all love and mercy--and to love all others as God loves!

"Thus says the LORD:
Lo, I am about to create new heavens
and a new earth;
The things of the past shall not be remembered
or come to mind.
Instead there shall always be rejoicing and happiness
in what I create;
For I create Jerusalem to be a joy
and its people to be a delight;
I will rejoice in Jerusalem
and exult in my people....
They shall live in the houses they build,
and eat the fruit of the vineyards they plant."

Catholic Hermit Exclaims: Lord, Have Mercy!

These words have been in my thoughts and at times uttered aloud.  Lord, have mercy!  

I do not intend the words or meaning to be a supplication of needs to be met, for the Lord has been meeting my temporal needs in marvelous ways.  I am so very grateful, and another exclamation I've been making lately is:  God provides!  Praise the Lord!

My helper, Daniel the Nazarene, came two days this past week.  As I write now, he is on his way driving to second semester of Bible college--a 16-hour drive.  I'm praying his vehicle hold up; he is concerned, and this young man's concerns are now my concerns.

The Lord, have mercy! exclamation is one of surprise and gratitude while at the same time marveling at how far this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit's body has been pushed in the manual labor this past three weeks or so since Daniel has been able to come help me with renovation and construction efforts.  He has come one day a week other than this past with two days (and maybe the week after Christmas two days).  

So in about six days' time of 6-7 hours including lunch and snack breaks, my helper and I were able to get tongue-in-groove ceilings installed upstairs and down the slanted ceiling wall in two bedrooms.  We put ceiling boards in a 24x14' living room, installed drywall up high in a stairwell, framed a stairwell wall, framed a pocket door, installed drywall on that wall and finished framing a closet door opening.  We finished hanging drywall in a couple high-up places downstairs, and we got the washer and dryer moved back into the laundry area (on other-and-underside of stairwell).

We've carried up the ladder several sheets of drywall, with Daniel taking the brunt of the lifting, thankfully so.  We nailed in 8 sheets of plywood beadboard into the attic gable "garret room".  We've had to empty out that attic space of boxes and bags of belongings stored these nearly four years so that we had space to work.

On days Daniel was not here--the bulk of days--this painful-bodied hermit hustled and pushed beyond what is truly feasible, or so it surely seems to me.  God provides!  Praise the Lord!  Others have mentioned they could never do it.  I respond, "Yes, you could and would if your existence depended upon it.   God would see you through, as He is seeing me through, at least to this very present moment."  

We never know the day or the hour.  But I am quite hopeful that I will be able to finish the hermitage in a few months, for the finances will totally be dried up and finished in a few months.  The generous assistance by Daniel the Nazarene and his willingness to drive from civilization to help an old hermit who paid an hourly wage that he appreciated and can use for college but also was not an unreasonable pay, has made all the difference.

No drugs, no foul language, a godly young man, responsible, on time, tolerant of working with an old person who is quite capable of making errors in figuring how to do carpentry work and forgetful when pain is high--God provided quite a gift in Daniel the Nazarene.

Each Sunday morning as the couple from the parish so kindly brings Communion to this hermit, they remark on the progress in this hermitage--an old farmhouse that probably could have been a tear-down to some prospective buyers who might have had a more honest and realistic realtor than had I.  The couple is seeing what a little bit of help--paid help--can do, what a little bit of charity can provide in results.  And the work is good work, for this dwelling will never be for others as it was for me.  Others will never have to undergo the hardships of living in rugged, rotten, rat-ridden, cold and nasty circumstances.

Now, that is good and holy!  And Daniel the Nazarene and next, a couple of his friends who are willing to come a day a month to help continue what help I need that I cannot do with God alone--these young people are stepping up in charity and kindness; and I am paying them more than they'd make and are so very grateful for their pay.  Loving kindness is a win-win.  When and if I live the next few months and God provides energy and strength to continue my God-alone work efforts in here, I hope to sell and gift these young people all the more with monetary assistance that I cannot give them right now.

It hopefully will all be a witness to the Catholic parishioners who could not so much as take five minutes to lift a microwave up on its metal holding strip, or those who could not let their son come for 10-15 minutes to help me lift up six sheets of drywall--with payment to them, of course.  It hopefully will be a witness to the Catholic parishioners who a priest said there were no men who could help me the first summer carry in six sheets of 1/2" plywood.  

Hopefully it can be a witness to the Catholic realtor and the parish St. Vincent de Paul Society who the realtor mentioned could help me that first cold winter when the roof was leaking like a sieve and I had no one to help with the most minor of tasks but requiring another set of hands now and then.  That Catholic realtor will not be selling the house, but she will surely be aware when another has the listing and will see that God provided through other Christians, such as Daniel the Nazarene and his friends, the little bit of help that made it feasible for this old and pained hermit to be able to progress toward completion.

Lord, have mercy!  As I read more of St. Bernard of Clairvaux's Sermons on the Song of Songs, in the introduction we are reminded of the ultimate goal and need to be united in God's love--to love God in Himself and to realize deeply that He loves us and it is His love by which we are able to love Him.  And, the saint reminds that once we love God in Himself and have union in His love, it is then that we are able to truly love others.  It is then that we are called to drop our love embrace in contemplation and to be charitable to the temporal needs of others.  

I hope to write more about what St. Bernard explains of God and His Love.  But for now, before more storms roll through, I must drop my desire to write of what Bernard shares and get the very pained and sore body off the mattress, dressed, and utilizing the compound miter saw set up outside on the deck.  I have more ceiling areas (shorter boards so can nail with God's help) to cut and install and some 2x4's to nail in here and there in various parts of the stairwell and attic garret so that there will be adequate surfaces to which to hang drywall.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Lord, have mercy!  God provides!  Praise the Lord!

Psalm 118: Lovely Excerpts for Hermits, or Anyone

"In danger I called on the LORD;

the LORD answered me and set me free.

The LORD is with me; I am not afraid;

what can mortals do against me?

The LORD is with me as my helper....

Better to take refuge in the LORD

than to put one’s trust in mortals.

Better to take refuge in the LORD

than to put one’s trust in princes....

I was hard pressed and falling,

but the LORD came to my help.

The LORD, my strength and might,

has become my savior.

The joyful shout of deliverance

is heard in the tents of the righteous:

The LORD’s right hand works valiantly....

I shall not die but live

and declare the deeds of the LORD.

The LORD chastised me harshly,

but did not hand me over to death.

Open the gates of righteousness;

I will enter and thank the LORD

This is the LORD’s own gate,

through it the righteous enter.

I thank you for you answered me;

you have been my savior.

The stone the builders rejected

has become the cornerstone.

By the LORD has this been done;

it is wonderful in our eyes.

This is the day the LORD has made;

let us rejoice in it and be glad.

LORD, grant salvation!

LORD, grant good fortune!

Blessed is he

who comes in the name of the LORD.

We bless you from the house of the LORD."

Yes, let us bless one another from the house of the Lord, for His Real Presence has His abode in us, and us in Him.  His Real Presence and us--through, with, and in Him--bless you from His house.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Blessings from our and His home.

What We Face

Here's a little example of what we face in some parishes, perhaps many.

A large and active parish wanted programs for an ages 60-plus monthly luncheon (with program following).  Nothing offered to present a short program on angels, including a fun angel story that was published a few years back in a well-established, religious magazine called Guideposts.  Then nothing mentioned sharing the various functions of each choir of angels and how they interact in our world, with us, and with God.  There is a rare book on the topic in the book boxes, and in a notebook are various notes that would give the nitty gritty of each choir and everyday examples.

It could be fun!  It could be illuminating!  People could be encouraged to share, if they wished, encounters.  If not, they would be reminded at an age (when we could use all the help possible) of our angels' assistance and more.

But no.  The parish lay employee jumped into the pitch with all kinds of hoops through which to jump.  Needed to review it all, needed to go over it with the priest, needed to see the hard copy of the published article.  Needed to see a write-up of what would be said. Needed to see the rare Catholic book on angels.  The tone of voice was wary, wary, and yet more wary.

She said "they" only want light topics and community ones.  "Nothing" noted that as a person over 60, many such cannot go out and be active in the community but rather maybe would be desiring to learn more of what will help us as we age, for our souls and spirits.

But no, that is not what they, the people in charge at the parish, want for us.  She mentioned that older Catholics don't like to hear about such things as they keep their faith private and are not into evangelizing.  Well, reviewing the choirs of angels and discussing the various saints' guardian angels, and that we have them, too, is not so much evangelizing...or is it?  Maybe?  Hopefully so?

Nothing mentioned that personally, especially in the aging process, there is concern for the growth of the soul and spirit, and thankfully do have some older people across the country who are interested in such.  Guess these are rare older and younger Catholic people "nothing" thankfully knows and enjoys.

Regardless, the lady did not like the angels idea, and she mentioned the parish book discussion group that meets once a month.  (The books thus far are rather light in content, which is good as many people are at various levels.  But why not offer a separate book discussion for those who desire another level?  Do schools keep students in the same grade year after year?  No.)  Nothing mentioned the parish monthly book club sounds lovely, but already have two book discussions going now, one with a woman of 86 years who turned on to some great classics of the spiritual life.  Yes, it did take some encouragement to get this friend interested in reading John of the Cross and Teresa of Avila, and then Elizabeth of the Trinity and now Catherine of Siena, but she is seriously and joyfully hooked.  She is fascinated, growing, pleased and ready for more.

The other book is being read with a young mother of two little girls, again across the country.  We discuss weekly over the phone, and today's discussion of Scupoli's Spiritual Combat helped each of us.  We are praying for one another now to practice strengthening our wills and not leaving the battle field when our passions and vices try to wage war.  Scupoli gives specific battle instructions; not the least is to be aware and to pray, to call upon God all the more, as He can give assistance Himself and send angels--yes, angels--who can always overcome Satan and legions of dark angels.

It just seems that time and again, as Catherine Marshall (the famous Presbyterian minister Peter Marshall's wife) titled one of her best-selling books, Something More--something more is not wanted in many parishes.

Are we being dumbed down as Catholics by priests and other employees in charge of parishes?  Is it akin to the common core curriculum woes sweeping the country?

So these parishioners will continue on with the same old programs--history of the local zoo, importance of physical exercise, what food to eat....  Sounds like a YMCA or government-run, senior center roster.

But, nothing has offered, and prior to offering had prayed not to be surprised if there was to be negative results, for a negative is not really anything other than a positive of something other that God wills.  And "nothing" prayed that whatever occurs would be an indication as to God's will.  But when nothing did ask the parish employee if other offered programs go through such a process, the lady did admit others did not, but that this one was of particular concern to her due to not being like their usual programs.

Angels a concern?

Disconcerting?

This is what we face.

Postscript:  Awoke in the night with the question:  What would Jesus prefer?  Would Jesus prefer that elderly people meeting for lunch and a program in a church prefer them to learn about His angels and saints, or about how to do exercises in a chair or how many glasses of water to drink daily?  Are life-long Catholics (or life-long Christians) ready for more given they are but a short step from passing out of this life?  Why do others insist on feeding them milk rather than solid food for the journey, particularly at their ages and situation near earthly life's end? The answer to these questions reside in each soul, but this soul desires something more than that which is of earth and already easily known from years of living on earth.  This soul wants union with God and any information that will help reach the heavenly goal.

A Psalm Prayed

I prayed this, this morning, fervently.  There has been more judging.  It was already done, and I knew it, and my spiritual father knew it.  But I decided to have closure on it in a phone message yesterday late afternoon. My message will not matter, but it was right to express it.  This morning I wish I had this Psalm to remind the persons of just how awful to judge others, to have fear, to renege and also in that way, to persecute.

However, I see the last lines, and I know what is my task and responsibility, and I pray that my attitude have it as a natural joy:  to thank God and praise Him and to see the beauty of His Creation reflected all about.

It is frightening to think how we might be condemned to an eternity in hell for our wrongs to others, our unkindness, our making judgments when we don't really know a person that well, if at all, really.  But, it is frightening that I need so much more faith to grasp and accept the suffering life that is mine, and that in better times I agreed and offered.  

So I must pull up and out, and attempt to frame a small window today, from start to finish, as I think there should be no carpentry obstacles as with the larger window.  (I await the arrival of a palm nailer as I need something small and impacting to drive some nails into a tight space where the framing gun nor a manual hammer will fit.)

Yesterday morning's tune in my mind ended up being the late George Harrison's song:  "Give Me Love (Give Me Peace on Earth").  The Lord shows me that there are good people in the world, and then there are the not so good.  It does not necessarily follow that the good are in churches and the bad, not.  

But, I want to be good, and I must pray for goodness and mercy, and to be God Is Love despite the sense of isolation and not much other in the future than suffering.  If that suffering can become joy, and if I can accept and let go of desiring not suffering, I'll fare better in the short and long run.  I need and ask His Real Presence to increase me faith.

I find the Psalmist's words rather chilling--his request of God to let their table be a trap for them, for God to pour out His indignation upon them.  Well, perhaps that is what it takes for us humans to turn ourselves around some.  Especially those of us who are in churches of any type, or those who are to be alter Christus'.  Aren't we all to be imitators of Christ, to be his followers and disciples?  So this is for each and all of us, this Psalm, if we have done any of the wrongs to anyone, ever.  Yes, it is chilling to find such writings in Scripture.  So often we want to claim the lovelier, the less condemning.

 Ps 69:15-34

Do not let the flood sweep over me,
Answer me, O Lord, for your steadfast love is good;
   according to your abundant mercy, turn to me.
Do not hide your face from your servant,
   for I am in distress—make haste to answer me.
You know the insults I receive,
   and my shame and dishonour;
   my foes are all known to you.
Insults have broken my heart,
   so that I am in despair.
I looked for pity, but there was none;
   and for comforters, but I found none.
Let their table be a trap for them,
   a snare for their allies.
Let their eyes be darkened so that they cannot see,
   and make their loins tremble continually.
Pour out your indignation upon them,
   and let your burning anger overtake them.
May their camp be a desolation;
   let no one live in their tents.
For they persecute those whom you have struck down,
   and those whom you have wounded, they attack still more.
Add guilt to their guilt;
   may they have no acquittal from you.
Let them be blotted out of the book of the living;
   let them not be enrolled among the righteous.
I will praise the name of God with a song;
   I will magnify him with thanksgiving.
This will please the Lord more than an ox
   or a bull with horns and hoofs.
Let the oppressed see it and be glad;
   you who seek God, let your hearts revive.
Let heaven and earth praise him,
   the seas and everything that moves in them.