Catholic Hermit: Advent, a New Year

Blessed New Year to all!  Today is the first day of Advent, the first day of the new liturgical year.  I love to consider that in all matters liturgical and spiritual, we celebrate the beginning of the new year in Christ, on this first Sunday of Advent.

I so need a fresh start, a surge of reassurance from the Lord, the loving embrace of Christ and all in His Body, as we await the celebration of His first coming.  And this is the topic of a commentary of some Advent sermons by St. Bernard of Clairvaux, written some 800 years ago.  St. Bernard describes the first coming of Christ, His birth and years on earth, and His death on the cross, resurrection, and ascension.  

Christ's first coming was to save us from our sins, to teach us the path of righteousness, to love, to repent and forgiveness of sins.  His final coming will be to take us with Him.  Then St. Bernard mentions an additional coming, a coming between the first and last; this coming is one in which He is not seen, as He was first seen and lived on earth and as He will be seen when He returns for us.

As St. Bernard explains further, of Christ's coming a third time, between His life on earth and His final return for us:

"But the one that comes between them is secret; it is that in which the elect alone see the Savior within themselves and their souls find salvation.

"In his first coming, Christ came in our flesh and in our weakness; in his coming in the midst of time, he comes in Spirit and power; in his final coming, he will come in his glory and majesty.  But it is by the strength of the virtues that we attain to glory, as it is written:  'That I may see your power and your glory' (Ps 63[62]:3).  And so the second coming is like a road leading from the first to the last.  In the first, Christ has been our redemption; in the last, he will appear as our life; in his coming between, he is our rest and our consolation."

That Jesus is our rest and consolation, right now, means ever so much to me!  The struggle with greater suffering, consistently, than ever, continues to be an immense challenge.  The worst time is upon waking, as I did yet again early morning, after five hours of sleep.  The body is stripped of pain aid; it takes an hour or more for oral medication to help reduce what seems too much for me to bear.

It is in that hour or more, that my intellect and will must wage battle against despairing thoughts from the memory, images/imagination, emotions, and physical senses.  I get up to retrieve a cup of hot beverage--usually coffee--as hot liquid helps the medication get into the system; yet it still takes ever a long time when pain is involved.  I read the Mass Scriptures for today, and I will myself to pray for various others while waiting.

This morning, again, I thought of the documentary I watched of the hermit monks and priests on Mt. Athos.  They are there now, these hermits and religious monks.  One of them commented in the documentary--living along in his hermit hut and carving wood religious objects--that a hermit must keep custody over thoughts in order to endure and avoid depression.

Living in silence of solitude is not easy no matter how old the hermit or how long one has lived the hermit vocation. Situations arise that make the spiritual life more challenging for anyone; and suffering pain and illness certainly make solitary life difficult.  There is not the extent of manual labor that can help distract or provide relief.  Pain fatigues; pain makes functioning difficult; pain vies for space in the mind, and reading becomes a chore in comprehension.

Yet always the Lord reaches in at the moment we seem to need Him most.  I had an unexpected text message in the early morning from one of the adult children, answering a comment, not even a question, I'd spontaneously texted yesterday.  Then came another text from another of the adult children, giving me a couple better ideas for gifts for grandchild.  All seemed so silly, now simplified; I realized not having the nausea added to the pain, thus far today, makes such matters light and even laughable.

Then with the medication finally taking effect, sleep mercifully gave another four hours of rest and a dream also reminding me of some other concern and putting that concern in gentle, even light-hearted loving, dispensation.

Snow sifts from the white-gray sky; the tiny pond's surface frozen and blanketed.  Reading the commentary, a conjoining of thoughts from two of his Advent sermons, soothes while awaiting, again, some pain relief from second dose of medication of this First Sunday of Advent.  I especially love the reality of Christ's third coming--or in between coming--in which we find Him always with us, unseen but present:  His Real Presence in our hearts as we also abide in His Heart.

Today, December 1, is also the commemoration of Bl. Charles de Foucald of Jesus, hermit and martyr.  He was shot on this day in his hermitage in the Sahara by Muslim insurgents who thought he was somehow trafficking guns for the French soldiers fighting in the Saharan desert, 1916, during World War I.  On this day, 103 years ago, Bl. Charles of Jesus had been forewarned of his death by the Holy Spirit of His Real Presence, in the silence of solitude.  

Christ was always present in Bl. Charles, and Charles knew the Lord in hidden reality, abiding within day and night.  I know this reality, as well, even if the level of pain and suffering can cause distraction of a depleting form; despair can threaten faith as well as strength of will and intellect with which we are to keep custody over dark thoughts.

The Second Reading of Mass, this First Sunday of Advent, in this first day of a new Church year, attests to the armor of God and of the light of Christ's coming, of His Real Presence with us, in us.  "Throw off the works of darkness, put on the armor of light" (Rm 13: 13).  "Put on the Lord Jesus Christ" (Rm 13: 14a).  

And in the Gospel of St, Matthew, 27:44, Christ's Living Word (always present for us in our earthly lives) exhorts us. " So too, you also must be prepared, for at an hour you do not expect, the Son of Man will come." 

I shall get up and dress, then light a candle of whatever color of candles unpacked, if purple or lavender so much the more delightful.  I will see how the lumbar pain manages, if the arachnoiditis not provoking nausea, and then use up some pumpkin puree in whatever baked effort.  Then, at some point today, will also strive to make the cauliflower chickpea soup, of which an adult child member so thoughtfully sent the recipe; I have all the ingredients on hand.  

This consecrated Catholic hermit must keep going, simply keep going.  Praise God for all the many blessings, the warm hermitage Solus Deus, the solemnly serene, snow-silent view out the back, provisions to create simple yet healthy food for the next few days, perhaps a bundling up and going out for a walk if sidewalks not slick.  Otherwise, up and down the stairs for exercise, and using the stretch bands for upper back muscles.

I cannot give up until the Lord makes it clear in His Real Presence in life situation, to relinquish physical efforts necessary to simply keep going physically and spiritually.  With Christ in us, we are assured that nothing must hinder our spiritual efforts.  Simply keep going.  God is always with us, and we can always be in Him in the silence and unseen faith of His Real Presence, until He comes and is visible to us, taking us with Him at the end of our earthly sojourn.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: Gratitude Opens Souls to Graces

Another jewel given us through the Holy Spirit in the writings of St. Bernard of Clairvaux, 12th century, Cistercion abbot and Doctor of the Church.  This, from Sermon 27.

I'm having a difficult morning after a challenging night, last.  The physical pain is higher, but I am also so yearning for Christ, for my earthly end to come if He'd but return to me to take me with Him.  He told me in September, 2012, to "Wait"--that he had to leave to tend to some other souls but would return.

However, in my waiting, I have not utilized the temporal time as well as I ought.  I feel as if like the parable of the "unprofitable servant."  Even now, in turning back to the good spiritual reading that my late Spiritual Da encouraged me to do, in his last note card to me 10 months ago, the reading is challenging, for I'd tended, myself, to temporal construction skills and manual labor, and accepting a most harrowing form of being stripped down.  All that was very good, but the conversion, the turning to more spiritual reading and contemplation, requires another type of discipline, along with the increase in physical suffering, on going.

In the recent reading about acquired and infused virtues and the infused gifts of the Holy Spirit, and the needful sanctifying grace we are given as in a seed when our soul implanted in us when conceived and born into this world, the nurturing and tending this seed filled with sanctifying grace is to be our focus.  We are to increasingly desire the supernatural end of seeing God face to face, of being united in His Real Presence for eternity.

Last night I began praying earnestly for the infused virtues and that my acquired virtues be strengthened, and both acquired and infused be in balance--as Pere Gerrigou-Lagrange terms, a happy medium.  I pray with hope in God for my faith to be increased, and for charity, the supreme grace and theological virtue grow within me to whatever perfection God desires for me.  And in that, I know He wills supreme good and perfect love, as God Is Love; the Holy Spirit is Love, Jesus Christ is Love.

The yearning to be with Christ, in Him, taken from this life and world can become all-encompassing indeed; the waiting can seem insufferable in some aspects difficult to describe.  Yet the Holy Spirit instills peace within, and wisdom reminds of peace in the waiting.  So this morning, upon reading this from St. Bernard, on the Gospel in which we learn of the healing of the ten lepers, with the one who returned to thank Jesus for the grace, for the gift of healing, and mention of all the graces given us, I know that the Lord is speaking to each of us, all of us--and also any of us who so desire union with Christ.

In writing out these words of truth, my soul shall be all the more assured that what I ask of the graces, virtues, and embrace of the sevenfold gifts of the Holy Spirit, will be given and increased as this is God's will!  And my gratitude for all that God's goodness and love, will grow, as well, even in the days and nights that pain and yearning and reality of my nothingness to God's All.  Waiting can become intense; gratitude to, for, of, in the Holy Trinity is my hymn in the waiting of whatever present moments.

The words in the following sermon are St. Bernard's help to me in yet another way of understanding what I am reading in Fr. Garrigou-Lagrange's The Three Ages of the Interior Life, of which he is explaining in those writings, what St. Thomas means in the Summa Theologica.  When I told the Holy Spirit who already knows my thoughts--told Him in the night and morning--that my comprehension of the reading is difficult for me, the Holy Spirit provides yet another saint to explain in yet another way as well as a means of making a place for and assurance of the graces in virtues and gifts of God that my soul sorely needs to progress as I wait for Jesus to come for me.

"How happy was that Samaritan leper who recognized that 'he possessed nothing he had not received' (I Cor 4:7).  'He guarded what had been entrusted to him' (2 Tim 1:12) and turned back to the Lord to thank Him.  Blessed are they who, after each gift of grace, turn back to Him in Whom is the fullness of all the graces, for if we show ourselves thankful in regard to Him for all we have received then we make ready a place for grace within ourselves...in even greater abundance.  In fact, our ingratitude is the only thing that prevents us making progress following our conversion....

"Happy, then, are they who think of themselves as strangers and who give great thanks for even the least blessing, thinking that everything given to a stranger and foreigner is a wholly free gift.  How unfortunate the wretched we are, on the other hand, if after first of all appearing timid, humble and pious, we then forget just how freely given is what we have received....

"I beg you then, brethren, let us remain ever more humbly under the mighty hand of God (I Pt 5:6)....Let us continue in thanksgiving with great devotion, and He will grant us the grace that alone can save our souls.  Let us show our gratitude, not just in our words and on our lips but in deed and in truth."

God bless His Real Presence in us!  

All will be well. God provides all necessary to this penitent, this contrite nothing of a consecrated Catholic hermit, simply a soul who loves deeply yet imperfectly for now, but in God's grace and tutelage.  In love of God in Himself, all will be healed within, and in gratitude I must wait, am able to wait, upheld and filled by God's magnanimous Spirit of all graces and gifts, in Christ Jesus, my savior.

Catholic Hermit: Ongoing Forgiving

The other day when the physical therapist arrived, it was brought up that she'd been to a workshop recently in which it was emphasized that pain can become on-going due to an imprinting on nerve pathways that do not have a physiological source, not a visible cause.  She mentioned some syndromes.  Yes, yes.  Then she asked if I have ever considered going to a pain clinic.

Lord, have mercy.  How long, O Lord?  I explained to her (as I've mentioned to her prior: one positive outcome of this surgeon, a second opinion surgeon, and then my pain doctor seeing it after it was mentioned to him is a diagnosis after all these years) that I do happen to have a visible, physiological source of pain.  The pain I experience all the time and have since car accident and then in debilitating level after 1987 surgery, is a matter of cause and effect.  

I reminded her that it is Arachnoiditis, probably occurring in the second surgery in 1987 as I had coded in recovery.  Surgeon came back in middle of the night and rushed me back in for another several hours of surgery to correct the problem caused in the first surgery.  In so doing, at some point, regardless, a cut was made in the spinal sheathing, causing the spinal fluid leak plus the condition, albeit not common, called Arachnoiditis.

The pain that people experience who do not have something visible, discernible in MRI's or CT scans, is yet pain, also.  I do not judge nor fault anyone with pain that is considered to be stress-induced or immune deficiency or some other more nebulous consideration as to why people have pain.  Even if psychological pain, it is pain.  Consider phantom limb pain, although it can remain for a limited time period, in time go away, and, also, psychotherapy can help eradicate it.  

I am not opposed to pain clinics, either.  But I explained to her that years ago, when it became obvious to the surgeon and second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, and so on opinions by leading neurologists dotted about the country (sent scans and records all over) that I was "going to have to learn a life I never dreamed I'd have to live" (quote from Scripps-LaJolla specialist after he looked at my scans), that I wanted to try a pain clinic.  He squashed that idea.  Said I'd be worse off just being driven there and back each day.  Would defeat the purpose; would cause me more pain for the effort.  

He added, as he'd gotten to know me fairly well in the months after surgery, in all the attempts made to help reduce the constant, intractable pain that caused me permanent disability, that I'd "out think a pain clinic the first day."  I didn't take it as a compliment; he just knew that I study and do research and use intellect as means of trying to learn and figure a way forward.  I also am not shy about speaking up once I have my facts in order.

So, back to the physical therapist here the other day, I said no, I'm not needing to go to a pain clinic after all these years.  Back then, the surgeon set me up with physical therapy close to where I lived at the time, and I already had Dr. H. helping me with a myriad of pain management techniques after we also exhausted an attempt for a second career in clinical psychology, as he felt with the gift of paranormal type gifts (I was not adept then with spiritual vocabulary, and mystic was not in Dr. H's nor my ken then), I'd be very good as a therapist helping people with pain.  I made it through over half a doctorate in clinical psychology coursework, laying on the floor in classrooms, before pain sieges made us realize I'd not be able to be consistent for clients.

I tell you, it just gets so "old" having to deal with the situation of pain and other peoples' good intentions.  I give benefit of the doubt.  It is so frustrating, though, when I've explained already, or when I've mentioned now and even given the physiological aspects and symptoms of Arachnoiditis, even though literature mentions that many clinicians will not have heard of it.  I have mentioned it to those professionals who have been here, though, in my post surgery recovery, and a couple had heard of it.  The others I've explained, as I figure in their careers ahead of them they might encounter someone else with this unfortunate diagnosis.

Lord, I really need far more patience, especially since I tend to wipe out the day after physical therapy session, or like yesterday, taking a shower, or today--had weather shift in the night, so barometric pressure change has the pain high.  It is not that I am any more without pain medication as had been the case for a long time past.  The problem is not that I am not motivated to get up often and walk around the house or outside, or do the few careful exercises.  It is that severe pain is fatiguing; it is absolutely exhausting, physically.  I cannot emphasize that enough.

I realize it is too difficult for people who are on the other side of me, viewing me, in their way wanting to help, to grasp the reality of what I am explaining.  Some have a hard time accepting it; others listen but are not able to absorb.  Some simply do not remember because it is not the usual and no need to research it for themselves as they are living an active and busy life outside their active professions.  And yet others are so set in their "take" or what they themselves "think" is the issue here, that they doubt what I explain and stick with their own conclusions.  I understand, I do.

This physical therapist, I think, gets it even if might not find someone who is so slowed by pain and fatigue off and on, to be a satisfying success story.  Probably my greatest perk for clinicians is that I keep trying, and that I desire to do all I can to improve.  I persevere.  I can usually bring some laughs.  She found it amazing that I find it helpful and encouraging to finally know what has caused such debilitating and life-altering pain after all these years.  Yes, I find it a relief to know.  

Truth is always best and most helpful.  I won't have to go through more hassles from the medical profession; doctors will not say I'm malingering or pain is psychological; other people might limit their insinuations that I don't want to be better; some might stop being biased in the pain meds that help take the edge off--some days better than other days depending on the variables.

After the physical therapist left, I decided to research more, on Arachnoiditis.  I was left tempted to feel discouraged by once more explaining my situation.  I do know the physical therapist was not blaming me and probably not doubting.  I recognize that I'm hardly able to function much, physically; very slow process, and takes energy and grace of God to strive.  The physical therapist did state and remind me, that the healing from the surgery--the acute pain--is still in process and can be for a year or so.

Here's what I found, in addition to what I've read prior, about Arachnoiditis.  It makes me feel very pleased with the Lord getting me through all these years.  I'm proud of my now-adult children who dealt with their single parent, with the ups and downs that pain brings with it, and with the disability of it, to the point that they had to not only fend for themselves much, but they'd care-take me through the pain sieges.  

At some point I want to give them this information and tell them how grateful, proud, and impressed by what they gave under most difficult circumstances, and am thanking God all the more for the divine strength and love bestowed upon them, throughout alld these years.

From the 2016 annual meeting of The American Academy of Pain Management, Dr. Forest Tennant presented findings from his research on the topic.  

"An extremely debilitating chronic pain condition, Arachnoiditis is caused by injury to the arachnoid, one of the membranes that surrounds and protects the nerves of the spinal cord.  It is initially characterized by inflammation, and then by nerve root entrapment, bundling, and adhesion formation, followed by centralization of pain and overstimulation of the sympathetic nervous and hormonal systems.

Dr. Tennant went on to say that Arachnoiditis "is probably the worst pain there is; it's humanity's worst pain."  He added that it is "described as worse than cancer pain or the prolonged or excessive pain associated with complex regional pain syndrome...."

The presentation included many more details, but this gives the gist.  I tell you, dear readers, it helps me with on-going forgiveness I need to enact, to offer, to put into effect.  I must forgive consistently, continuously.  Although I've been through a forgiveness process of persons in the past, especially doctors whose not knowing caused me to suffer more, and what's worse caused my children to suffer more because I was denied medication that would have helped at least some, I will have to keep forgiving in the present moment, when the moments present themselves.

I have to forgive myself, as well.  I have to forgive myself for the limitations I have due to the pain, and for the many times I might have done better, such as this morning.  My voice and attitude were not perky when someone called.  The pain was ruling me, not me ruling the pain.  I allowed the present moment to go to the past and then to the future.  I was tempted to want it all to be easier.

I must forgive myself for not being the soul I wish to be, and wished to be.  Even after 20 years this month, from the first inklings of God's call for me to being preparing to enter the consecrated life of the church via the eremitic life, I still know of myself that if not for this further stripping of my temporal life, I'd be tempted and no doubt weak to the temptations of being drawn out of the devoting my life to the praise of God and the salvation of the world, that is the first point of a body, mind, heart, and soul into the Church's hermit vocation.

Lord, I'll cooperate by the grace of Christ's suffering granted to me in suffering out in my earthly body, a small portion of His agony on the Cross.  Forgive me, for I really have no options other than to cooperate or to not, even though in my agreeing to suffer, to be a Victim Soul of His Sacred Heart, I do not suffer at all heroically.  I can attest to that truth, as can my family and friends if honest.

See what the Lord must do to answer my prayers to fulfill in His will, my mission?  See what added pruning is necessary for a weak and undisciplined someone like me, in order to better the hermit be, as well--the vocational vehicle God has given me to fulfill His will, in the latter portion of what temporal years He's bequeathed?

Yet, a marvelous aspect of Arachnoiditis and being able to read about it--there is much more than the bit I've written--is that the suffering all these years, even if I have not suffered well, has caused me to turn all the more to God.  I realize that is a huge part of his point in gracing me with such suffering.  I won't go into it here, but I was foretold of the 1987 surgery and of living through it by mystical means.  I am not surprised at the transition asked of me, currently, for I so easily get enticed more into other creative aspects of life than what the Lord desires.

He wants me so honed to His will and to the narrow path, that especially now with so much stripped and trimmed away, I see all the more clearly that there is really nothing other in life that matters than for souls to love God above all things and others as ourselves.  I mean this in a very real and deep sense; I mean it in the way that St. Bernard, for example, sought to love God in Himself and others as an outflow of God's perfect and pure love.

That is what I desire.  I must forgive myself, for the reason I have come to desire this level of love of God and coming to union with Him while yet on this earth even if in brief breaths of union, is due to pain.  I understand that it is the pain that the Lord allows, that is His means for me, to keep me from being drawn out and away from the singular point, the recognition of what is the purpose of our lives.  I'm sorry that it has taken great pain in my life to keep me honed to desire union with His own suffering and ultimately his Divine Love.

Forgive me, Most Holy Trinity.  I am sorry I am so weak, so easily drawn off the purpose, Thy will for me.  I'm so thankful for all the times that pain has been the prod, the goad.  I'm thankful for the opportunities given before the more intense sufferings came along--accident, divorce, surgery, constant pain.  I'm thankful I have been able to experience the love of a parent for children and their love in return.

Now to press forward.  On-going forgiveness--I embrace forgiving onward as another crucial facet of loving God and others as myself.  Now to get up off this icy pad on the bed and do some exercises, walk around, and know that the level of the pain today will ease off a bit with another weather shift.  Know that the acute pain of the surgery will ease as it already has decreased some, incrementally, just as my ability to get up and walk and undertake more tasks to fend for oneself are increasing some, incrementally.  

The Lord is making His will known to me His will all the more clear.  More has been trimmed away of external life; more will be given in the interior, of the spiritual life, of the mystical life in His Real Presence, and for the espousal of others.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

[This lengthy post, another cathartic one, helping me endure higher pain today than what I've been better able to manage at other times.  It could be discouraging since it has been 8 weeks since surgery, but given the reality from research, I feel joyous in being given the grace by God even if by my clinging, grasping Jesus on His Cross in order to try to cope.  I tell you, I first read the Psalms upon waking--whatever Psalm in the day's Mass readings, as they come daily to my laptop inbox around 3 a.m.  I beg St. Bernard through whom I'm connected as now reading a volume of his sermons circa 1137, to  help me yearn for God out of  loving desire, not from the pain alone.  That might be a bit arrogant of me to even ask, to yearn for God, to love God in Himself without the pain being the impetus.  For I honestly think if not for the pain, I'd be off and out into the beautiful world, the world of activity and good pleasure, of work, and then even drawn off into the world of a parish.  Rather, the Lord wants me for Himself, within Him increasingly close, drawn to union.  Pain is a loving means for someone like me.  I do not have the purity and discipline of soul such as did St. Bernard of Clairvaux]

Catholic Hermit: Psalms and Pain Management

The physical therapist arrived today.  She will be here two more visits.  Then it is a matter of waiting awhile for my muscles to build and the very slow healing of the surgery itself, continues on to a new level.  I'm thinking 12 weeks out from the surgery might be the next major milestone--perhaps able to start sitting, and then on a lower seat.  I hope in God for driving, but 12 weeks out might be premature.

The PT discussed acute pain and chronic pain.  It was "old hat" for me, other than I always learn something no matter how old is the "hat."  However, I did interject that the chronic pain is not a syndrome, per say; the PT was explaining what I've also researched in the past, that sometimes in chronic pain patients, the pain is more in the mind and feeds off itself than physiological.  

I've been over that type of pain projection for years.  It is not my situation, and thanks be to God for the current surgeon, his partner (my second opinion surgeon), and the pain MD for identifying after all these 32 years since the 1987 surgery, that the pain I have is physiological, caused by the rare Arachnoiditis--caused when the surgeon in '87 accidentally cut the spinal cord sheathing.  To me, having knowledge and a reason for all these years of suffering helps me cope with it.

However, the current higher levels of pain, the PT and I figure for now, are due to the extensive surgery and the length of time for that to heal.  While I might not like to be reminded, the muscles, tendons, and ligaments had to be cut on each side of the spine for the 10" or so from sacrum through lumbar.  Nerves were involved, drilling and scraping and cutting of bone also contribute to the pain, since bone and nerves take far longer to heal than soft tissue surgeries.

The PT added on a couple more exercises--really, movements for me to start practicing.  All these would seem ridiculously simple; my body finds them difficult but delightful.  I love to feel the leg and especially the "core" being strengthened even if very slight, incrementally.

My 96-year-old aunt called this morning.  I'd left her a message regarding some bullying going on in her assisted living facility, a couple thousand miles away from my hermitage, Solus Deus.  It was difficult to repeat what she could not hear on her answering machine for she did not have her hearing aids in.  (I can relate with the hassle of putting "aids" into or on our bodies; my back brace is a hassle that I've had to remind myself how silly of me to resent the small, added effort to put it on and get it adjusted!  These aids are praiseworthy helps to lighten our physical crosses!

The aunt shared about her great-granddaughter who survived serious septic shock and sepsis poisoning a year and a half ago. The young woman has gained much weight, is depressed, and has been cut off from friends.  Her mother, my aunt's granddaughter, has become psychologically unhealthy over the recent years; her daughter's crisis illness only made the mother's issues worsen.  It seems no one in the family feels comfortable in doing an intervention or confronting the girl's mother who is exhibiting some aspects of an altered-type Manchausens-by-Proxy syndrome.  

The girls mother is not outright trying to make the girl ill; rather, she is keeping her ill in emotional and psychological ways.  When the girl had a boyfriend, for example, the mother applied pressure to cut off that friendship; with girlfriends, the mother restricted the girls' social encounters to the point that they ended.  One cannot keep friendships if the friends are discouraged from visiting or the girl is reminded of how ill she has been and not to go out socially.

I inserted myself several months ago when I was given an opening and asked something.  I put forth the importance of the girls' mother being essentially forced back to work (single mom) since the girl is healed physically, other than the untrue and exaggerated problems that the girl's mother reports after the daughter's routine doctor appointments.  The mother cannot get out of her extreme control over the daughter's life and feels she must stay home all the time to be there in case the daughter needs her; the daughter attends high school for three class periods a day and eats her lunch alone in the nurse's office.

My message to the girl's grandmother and great-grandmother has been to not enable the girl's mother; stop paying all her bills, don't buy her a a new (used) car (they did), cut out the checks each month.  I encouraged them to try to get the girl and her mother to each get psychotherapeutic counseling, with an experienced clinical psychologist.  They are doing that, but with very young counselor with MS in counseling.  For the girl, the alliance seems positive in that she likes the young man. Then mostly, I encouraged them to try a full-family intervention.

But my major campaign was to exhort them to turn all the more to God, return to going to church, read the Scriptures, especially the new Testament--the Gospels and Letters--and the Psalms.  I've explained that the Lord does not allow such trials on a young person without a reason that is good, that will cause purposeful change in the one afflicted and those around the one with the tremendous cross to bear.  The girl, I am sure, has a mission God desires her to fulfill.

From the other times I was able to insert thoughts--when the grandmother or my aunt (the girl's great-grandmother) would give an opening in conversation or ask of me something that allowed for my input--I've said all I can say.  Other than this morning, when my aunt mentioned how she now wonders about all her praying when the young woman was so critically ill--between life and death and a miracle that she lived.  She said maybe she should not have prayed for the girl to live because she is now living a life cut off from people other than her mother, for the most part, and she is quite heavy and depressed.

I reminded my aunt that it's not over yet.  We keep praying.  Given that my aunt had such difficulty hearing my words, that was all I could get through to her.  I'm praying if I should write a note yet again, encouraging my aunt to not enable her granddaughter by sending her monthly checks.  My aunt had mentioned that if only the granddaughter, the girl's mother, would return to teaching, she'd have some friends herself.  But her granddaughter always has excuses why she does not return to work--always centered around needing to be home all the time in case her daughter would become ill.  So we see, there is really nothing more I can say, not even in a letter, that I've not already said.

Pain management involves handling emotional, mental--psychological--pain as much as physical pain.  The only reminder I could perhaps write to the aunt, or tell her via the phone if she has in her hearing aids--is to pray the Psalms.  Pray them on behalf of her granddaughter and her great-granddaughter.  She can encourage them to pray the Psalms, but they are not in a mode of taking suggestions at this time.  Perhaps she could send a Psalm now and then, in a note to her granddaughter, though.  Worth a try.

As for my own pain and current difficult situation (a hermit ought expect and accept having a bit more difficulty in times of illness and post surgery simply due to the hermit vocation being one of stricter separation from the world in the silence of solitude, and that of being "hidden from the eyes of men."  These aspects alone, of the hermit life, in addition to simple life and frugality due to usually modest to low income, create more of a challenge in a consecrated hermit's life than what lay persons would have or what consecrated religious or those ordained to holy orders would experience.

The closest situation to a hermit would be found in those consecrated religious whose religious orders are cloistered; even then, though, the monks and nuns have others living in the monastery or adjoining cells (Carthusian Charterhouse), or have as I've written in previous posts, an "extern"--someone who runs the errands, brings food to the cells, interfaces with the world on behalf of the cloistered, consecrated religious or the consecrated hermit alone with God in his or her hermitage.

As a consecrated Catholic hermit, I've learned over the years that the reliance upon God is primary, pivotal, pre-eminent.  I was thrilled the other day when reading in the Introduction of St. Bernard of Clairvaux's The Song of Songs I, how the saint found the Psalms to be always and ever a positive uplift and a constant reminder, daily, of the providence of God.  Also, the Psalms remind us that all is from God and is of God, and that the praise of God lifts the heart, mind, and soul--and a lifted heart, mind, and soul affects our very lives.

We now have research studies that tell us the good of positive aspects in mind and emotions in direct correlation to healing.  Even in terminal illness or when healing of body does not come, going out from ourselves in love of God and into God our Creator Who loves us first, will unite us in the Holy Trinity:  God the Father, Jesus Christ His Son, and the Holy Spirit.

Praying, reading, the Psalms is a simple act of which others centuries before us sang praises to God that at some point were written onto parchment, and to this day we have in easy access to essentially do the praising for us.  Once we read the Psalms as a regular practice, the act of praising God evolves into praise of God and becomes our own praising God at other times than when we read the Psalms.  Our praising God then becomes a praise of God that evolves into love of God in Himself.

Love of God heals.  Jesus heals; love of Jesus Christ heals.  The Holy Spirit heals....  Calling upon God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit in love and praise, in thanksgiving brings untold good.  From the practical, temporal effects to the spiritual, mystical effects. turning to God with all our bodies, minds, hearts, and souls--with all our desire and strength--God delights in our love of Him and responds as He has been waiting all along.  He loved us first; He is always loving and patiently waiting.

I did not get into the spiritual aspects much with the physical therapist today. I have delved into the spiritual in past visits, enough to point out the reality and the importance of God in my own life.  The reality is, that God is the all in my existence, my being, my life on earth and my life when I pass from this earth.

As I mentioned to my aunt regarding her praying for her great-granddaughter:  It is not over yet.  However, I know that God's ways are not our ways.  We can pray for someone to live, to survive through a critical ordeal.  God will do His will in our lives, for what He knows and sees and ordains as best.  God is all good.  Yet when we ponder God's ways and His view of suffering and apply that to circumstances and situations of which we know involving people, we find that some have major life changes for the positive, all for God, and others remain in depression or seemingly stagnation.  

Seemingly stagnant is not stagnant.  We are never stagnant.  Every step and every breath is toward good or not good, toward God or not God.  Prayers are vital for ourselves; and our prayers are vital for others, especially those who do not know or have the energy or mind or heart to pray for themselves, who do not communicate with God for Him to use them to help them, for them to do His will.

Perhaps the young woman of whom I've mentioned above, is going to be a reminder to others who know of her situation and who see her in depression and now overweight, as well, and who see the girl's mother in her on-going anorexia and years of extreme skin-tanning--to all the more turn to God in their own lives when trials and crises come.  It is sad, yes, but people who do not pull out of terrible situations in heroic or even in average or natural manner can help others to see and determine not to react likewise.

I was reminded of this fact, this option, this morning after speaking with my aunt and feeling her anguish.  I was reminded of my own concern and having taken the opportunity when it seemed ripe, to try to help with suggestions of an intervention, of stopping the enabling, as well as exhortations to turn all the more to God, return to their worship services, to pray, to read the Living Word.  

I was reminded of the great effect of the Psalms in pain management.  My late mother is proof.  I watched the evolving of her attitude and mind and emotions, the incredible growth of her soul, over the last 11 months of her life.  It started with my silently reading my breviary when she'd doze or read something of her own, as I'd go visit her and stay hours to keep her company.  She became curious as to what was in that breviary; I explained.  She one day asked me to read some of the Psalms to her.  From then onward, the praising of God became within her praise of God and then an increase of her love of God in a way that changed many of her attitudes to glorious outcome.

After this morning's brief phone conversation, I am being helped by the currently tragic plight of the girl and her mother.  I have now increased desire for God, and to persevere in my own slow recovery, to keep focused on healthy and holy pain management.  I will pray the Psalms, also, for the girl and her mother and extend that praise of God for the salvation of all souls in the world.  

We keep praying; we keep striving; we keep praising God not only for ourselves but including others.  We praise God when others are unable for whatever reasons, to praise Him.  We continue to pray, "Thy will be done on earth as it is in Heaven." 

As we pray and praise, as we love God above all things, even above and beyond our pain, we know it is not over yet.  The results of our prayers, the reading of the Living Word, the praise of God, the love of God in Himself are yet to come whether or not we see them or are aware of the outcomes.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  That blessing in itself is an acknowledgement and praise of God: God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: St. Bernard, Good Points for Hermits

In very slowly reading St. Bernard's Sermons on the Song of Songs, I, I'm discovering that the saint makes excellent points for the Church's hermits--past and contemporary.  I know I'm not the only consecrated Catholic hermit who has run up against an argument of some lay persons in the Church, of other faiths, or also secular types, that it is not right for Christians to "hole up" and selfishly not share themselves, not do acts of charity, among their fellow human beings.

Some even consider the hermit life to not be "Christian."

St. Bernard of Clairvaux (1190-1263) was the superior of what became known and still is, the Cistercian Order.  At the time he wrote his sermons based upon the Song of Songs (Solomon), he'd been a monastic over half his life.  As superior to the other monks, he spoke to them often in Chapter meetings as well as other times personally in guiding the monks in various aspects of religious life.

What he expressed to them regarding the role of a superior or any Christian who has come to a point in spiritual life in which he or she has experienced divine love, I think expresses the point at which a hermit's goal and role is understood.  And as per St. Bernard, in a hermit this point arrives as it did for the saint, well into the living out of the spiritual life in vocation. 

We do know instances in which the Lord bestows the gift of union with the sweetness of Divine Love on someone fairly young, but these instances are not the usual, not for a hermit nor for a monk or nun, nor for any aspirants in the spiritual ascent to God.  The rare instances are miraculous.  I'm thinking of persons in Scripture as well as saints of whom I've read; usually these souls are marked for a particular mission in a short life, like a shooting star, or they are destined for suffering and additional experiences with the Lord that will continue over the course of their longer lives with specific mission to be accomplished and shared.

Have we hermits of the Church not heard it said that by virtue of our silent and solitary vocation, we neglect charity to others, we cut ourselves off from humanity?  Have we not read or head it said that hermits are recluses or misanthropes, and that it is wrong, so uncharitable to remove ourselves from others in such uncharitable fashion?

As to what crossover point St. Bernard makes that is good and pertinent for hermits, the following expresses beautifully and succinctly.  This could be an answer a hermit might give, or also be well to digest for those times a hermit may be tempted to question aspects of the eremitic vocation.

"There is no need to fear that when it is absorbed with God, a soul [hermit] will forget its neighbor.  On the contrary, God's love is a divine flame that nourishes and enkindles true fraternal charity." (Sermon 52)

"It is proper to true contemplation that it stir up in the soul such a flame of divine love that it no longer resists the vehement desire to communicate it to others that they too may be consumed by love." (Sermon 57)

The above, for a hermit, must be considered along with a "hermit's silence of solitude", with the hermit's remaining "hidden from the eyes of men." 

St. Bernard writes of the ordo caritatis, that there is an order that must come with performing acts of charity.  He knows well there is only one supernatural love: love that turns us both to God and to neighbor.  In our growth and development to perfect love, the saint describes three types of affections.  The first is of the flesh--pleasurable but can result in sin; the second is submissive love to God and results in acts of charity; the third affection is wise--experiences the "ineffable sweetness of God" and is "affective charity." (Sermon 50)

"Active charity busies itself with more humble tasks, it comes to the aid of others.  Affective charity has a more elevated object: the enjoyment of God.  Bernard obviously gives preference to the latter love, the love of God.  However, in practice, the reverse order may have to be observed.  Care of one's neighbor may be more urgent...." (Halflants, M. Corneille, OCSO, St. Bernard's Sermons on the Song of Songs, I, Introduction, Cistercian Publications, Collegeville, MN, xxvii.)

We can interpose our hermit lives into the second and third of the three affections.  We Catholic hermits already know that love of God is the highest love to which we are called and for us an exclusive love in our vocations.  Yet, as the saint has pointed out correctly, from divine love flows fraternal charity, the love of neighbor as oneself.  Affective charity is the hermit's delight and God's gift to the hermit after lengths of time--years it can be--in prayer, spiritual reading, meditation, contemplation and other aspects of our hermit lives that aid the spiritual lives we lead.

But we hermits also must, in consideration of an ordered charity, to reverse the order and turn from affective charity, our love of God, to active charity when there is urgent need placed before us.

For a hermit, the urgent needs of our neighbors can be as tangible as someone who writes (email, text) or calls us with spiritual or other need.  Yes, it could be wise counsel, encouragement, advice on handling some temporal problem or in providing options--always with the truth of active charity and the love of God within us guiding our own interaction.  The urgent needs of our neighbor may be when we might be on an errand or entering or leaving the Church for Mass; someone may want to speak with us or have some other need--a donation requested, some help in active measure such as one injured or in danger, or needing tangible help in some fashion.

The urgent need also might be that of prayer--of prayer needs we discern from the news we might read on the internet or hear if we listen to video clips of news stories.  The prayer needs may come to us through the suggestions of our guardian angels and the Holy Spirit in the silent darkness of night or in our listening during the day while tending to our hermitages or in manual labor or lectio divina.  When we pray the Lord's Prayer, we include in actuality all the souls who are within the "our" of Our Father--souls all over the world, souls in purgatory, souls in heaven.

The need of charity can come in the form of those of us hermits who have families and friends who desire and need contact--perhaps those of another faith or in such situation as to not be willing to place their need in wise and charitable order of affection would actually be unwise and uncharitable--an offense of charity that is displeasing to God--not charitable at all.   

Of course, we hermits must discern the needs that arise or are presented to us, in each circumstance.  Some require us to not be pulled away from the focus of affective charity if the urgent need is more a repetitive need of a nature that some other person is better equipped to meet their need.

Otherwise, a hermit could be fragmented and misguided, him- or herself, in being pulled away from affective charity to active charity--becoming more a Martha busy about many things than the Mary sitting at the Lord's feet, absorbed in listening and learning, adoring and worshipping God--loving Him in Himself.  A hermit, like a monastery superior such as St. Bernard describes, in wisdom of divine love and closeness to the Lord in that ineffable sweetness of having had experiences of such union even if brief--will need to discern and remain within the parameters of the vocation to which the Lord has called us.

A hermit's vocation is similar to but different from that of a cloistered religious ordered monk or nun.  We are not among others in living situations; we do not have other ordered religious living the spiritual life in kind, or a superior at hand, on premise, to guide us in particulars as they arise.  We must turn to the Holy Spirit as our in-hermitage superior.  We may make contact with a spiritual director, an earthly guide, but that take time and effort which also draws us away from the sweetness of divine love simply due to the temporal channels we must utilize to have written, verbal, or face-to-face consultation.

From St. Bernard's Sermon 50, come the following thoughts as expressed by M. Halflants, OCSO, in the Introduction, p. xxvii.

"Affective charity...looks to the hierarchy of values. It appreciates things as they are and tastes them in all their fullness.  Thanks to such charity, the soul loves God first with all the strength of which a creature is capable, then itself to the extent that it recognizes that it has no value save insofar as it belongs to God; finally, its neighbor in the measure in which it loves God or is pledged to this love."

It is then pointed out that while affective charity can be considered as true wisdom, affective charity does not reach full development until the soul is in heaven.  In heaven, only affective charity is necessary; active charity is not.

There is much more on fraternal charity, as explained by St. Bernard.  But we grasp the point that we don't have purity or full fraternal charity until we have union as a grace from God, even in brief breaths of this divine love.  We come to understand others when we are able to increasingly, and eventually fully, see them from the perspective of divine love and God's light.

As for all the above points that are so good for Catholic hermits to consider, desire, and ask to be given by God's grace, we recognize that we must consider the points and then the graces given, relative to our unique vocation as hermits consecrated in the life of the Church.  Our charity, especially active charity, will be measured and meted out in proportion, degree, and vocational structure as hermits; our hermit lives are willed by God, are united in Christ as His and the Father's will are one, and guided according to the love and power of the Holy Spirit.

Some aspects of active charity as opposed to affective charity, will be easier to discern than others.  But with affective charity being imbued by God's wisdom, the ordering of charity, the types of charity, when and to what degree, will come through discernment and prayer as the days, months, and years of a hermit progress.  As with St. Bernard and religious monks and nuns of cloistered monasteries, hermits pursue love of God, affective charity, as first order.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: A Life Devoted

I'm still listening and hoping in God to be aware of insights on what a hermit is to do and be:  Devote his life to the praise of God and the salvation of the world.  (Catechism of the Catholic Church, 920,921)

What does it mean to devote one's life?  Being "single-minded of purpose" pops in.  And for a hermit, the life is devoted to God but in a way that transcends praising God for this or that blessing or praising Him for His Name or any number of His glorious and divine attributes.  The live devoted is to the praise of God.  St. Bernard's writings on The Love of God climb to the exultant pinnacle of the highest love,  the fourth degree of love as delineated by the saint: love of God in Himself.

To me, this seems to capture the aspect of how a hermit would devote his or her life to the praise of God.  To me, it seems akin to, linked with, subsumed in loving God in Himself.  So today while I praised God aloud on occasion for some blessing or other, including one time spontaneously saying, "I praise You, God, for helping me to grasp more how others think and feel, how they are affected by situations."  Another time I wordlessly praised God for helping me to endure and get pain under control.

But in desiring to understand what it is I'm to be devoting my life to, such as devote my life to the praise of God--I grasp that this is like loving God in Himself.  To love God for and Who He Is without bringing in self love to the loving, or in this case, the praising.  I am wondering if praising and loving are intertwined, with the praising an action toward effecting the love of God in and for Himself.  Seems so.

I'm going to  open myself up more, as a result, to a sense of praising, an essence of praising, an undefined and non-orchestrated praising.  I'm going to pray, asking and trusting in the the Holy Spirit to create in me this praise of God that transcends myself and my conscious and subconscious attempts at "doing" the praising for any objectified or subjective thought or emotion.  May it all be praise of God, as love in Himself.

We'll see what happens.

Then the consideration arises as to hindrances to devoting my life to the praise of God.  There are many obvious ones, but St. Teresa of Avila's points in Ch. 24 of The Way of Perfection remind me that being split or divided in purpose, focus--in the quest to be all for God, and for this consecrated Catholic hermit life devoted to praise of God--is a certain, multi-faceted hindrance.

This extract from the saint's own holy-spirit-filled mind presents the thoughts that cause me to love St. Teresa's unique communication style all the more.  Please read it while putting your hermit self into the text, and consider it in terms of a hermit's devoting our lives to the praise of God as a form of prayer, for it is.  Praise of God, like love of God in Himself, is communication of the soul with God.  Praise is reaching into the higher levels of communication, leading with affective love into contemplative love of God in Himself.

"You already know that His Majesty teaches that it [Lord's Prayer] be recited in solitude.  This is what He always did when He prayed and not out of any need of His own but for our instruction.  It has already been mentioned that one cannot speak simultaneously to God and to the world; this would amount to nothing more than reciting the prayer while listening to what is being said elsewhere or to letting the mind wander and making no effort to control it.

"There can be exceptions at times, either because of bad humors [illness, injury]--especially if the person is melancholic--or because of faint feelings in the head so that all efforts become useless.  Or it can happen that God will permit days of severe temptation in his servants for their greater good.  And though in their affliction they are striving to be quiet, they cannot even be attentive to what they are saying, no matter how hard they try; nor will the intellect settle down in anything, but by the disordered way it goes about, it will seem to be in a frenzy.  Whoever experiences the affliction these distractions cause will see that they are not his fault.... Like a sick person he should strive to bring some relief to his soul; let him occupy himself in other works of virtue.  This advice now is for persons who are careful and who have understood that they must not speak simultaneously to both God and the world.

"What we ourselves can do is to strive to be alone; and please God it will suffice, as I say, that we understand to whom we are speaking and the answer the Lord makes to our petitions.  Do you think He is silent?  Even though we do not hear Him, He speaks well to the heart when we beseech Him from the heart."

All this gives me much to appreciate; am in deep gratitude to the Holy Trinity:  Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.  What opportunity we consecrated Catholic hermits have with the ways in which our vocations facilitate the deepening of our devoting our lives to the praise of God and salvation of the world!

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Love in His Love!

Catholic Hermit: Already God Answers

 

It was not long before the Lord dealt with my non-sacramental confession regarding this nothing-much of a consecrated Catholic hermit!  After writing about my "escapism" in previous post, the occupational therapist came for a final instruction on showering using all the equipment and safe guards properly.

I was exhausted, but also today decided to definitely increase the pain meds by 2.5 milligrams.  It has made a positive difference in coping with this amount of pain, especially after the shower effort.  So the occupational therapist has come for the last time, and left after a brief conversation.  I mentioned the escapism I atypically was into, using the drama series as a means to not think, to get myself out of this body and place, even, to enter into the scene and place of the fiction-based-on-real-life productions.

She found nothing remiss in this, as she said it is good to do what is available in these circumstances, to get the rest needed and to focus on healing, not on figuring out how you will contend with a more physically limited life, plus the pain involved.  I mentioned that the problem I have with my adopted, lulling, passive activity is that I tend to be very religious (that's enough said), but somehow I'm not able to manage the pain enough to read something worthwhile and spiritually beneficial.

Her response was that she thinks I have an incredibly wonderful attitude considering what I am faced with, and the limited means I have of contending with it.  Well, what is she going to say?  In that compliment I was reminded all over again of how powerful can positive reinforcement be as an encouragement or even if it somehow shames someone who perceives is quite the opposite.

After resting, I read today's Scriptures for Mass.  It was nearly noon--quite late for me to read His Living Word.  But as soon as I read the first reading and the Psalm, I recognized the Lord was responding to my non-sacramental confession of how and why I consider myself a bad hermit, lethargic in spiritual effort, intake, and output.  

In these Scriptures, though I also recognized the increasingly predictable plot lines of the series' segments, the insight came that the Lord understands, knows, and also appreciated the praise and thanks I was giving Him as I read His Living Word.  The drama series was also a gift to me, of which I have benefitted in ways He and I now grasp.  

It was not a negative to be connected with the world through these productions.  God provided a temporal means of resting my mind and lulling me to sleep, off and on for quite awhile. I do need the release, the escape, that was so simple and easy to procure.  I did not have to focus or make effort even in remembering the plots; the music and voices and scenery and bits of humor, the creative cleverness--all are appreciated now as what in this phase I've been in, needed.  It worked.

But also, what was transpiring is the transition that God is providing, also, by bestowing graces.  I happened to also read this thought of St. Augustine:

"When you begin to abhor what you have done, it is then that your good works are beginning, since you are accusing yourself of your evil works.  Your good works is the confession of evil works.  You 'do the works' and 'come to the light.'"  (St. Augustine, Jn 12, 13)  

I'm not suggesting that watching procedural drama productions running the length of several seasons, live-streamed from Amazon Prime, are all that "evil."  But for a consecrated Catholic hermit, privately professed nearly 19 years, spending time (even with pain as a reason or excuse) watching such programs is still not better or best in the spiritual life.  It is not better or best in a daily and nightly horarium even if my hourly schedule is not set in structure even when not recovering from surgery.  My bodily pain has never cooperated with any set plan or structure for 35 years, and increasingly so as years have passed and pain increased.

But I knew when I read what St. Augustine wrote, that the Lord was also talking to me through this saint, now deceased centuries ago.  His soul lives; his writings speak today.  It all connected with my honest confession to God, to myself, and to you readers.  The graces flow; I started to read Vol 1 of St. Teresa of Avila's Letters but found that book more heavy in weight and light in the type of spiritual pith--if not too deep--that my body, mind, heart, and soul need right now.

So I used the grabber reacher tool to get the small volume, No 1, of St. Bernard of Clairvaux' Sermons on the Song of Songs.  With also taking the occupational therapist's adjuration to "listen to the body" and not over do, I hit the too-tired point of the day to read anything, but by God's grace I was not needing to distract by means of the drama series.  Morning will be here afresh, whether or not any of us are called to our eternal home during the night.  

But I'm citing some of the Living Word from today's Mass for you to read if you wish.  You will recognize what I found  to be God's message to me, His answer and counsel, His encouragement and understanding.  

The selection from 1 Thessalonians 2: 1-8 contains snippets of thought that come to fullness in just how gentle is God, especially when we do not deceive ourselves or others, when we do not seek praise (such as in presenting ourselves not as we are, in pretext).  We hermits ought not, as St. Paul says the Apostles ought not, impose our weight by virtue of being in the consecrated life of the Church, living a hermit vocation any more than the apostles did not try to impress by their being apostles of the Lord.

In the Psalm selection (Ps 139:1-3, 4-6) we are reminded of this reality:  God knows us better than we know ourselves; He probes and scrutinizes us.  Yet He still rests His hand upon us, for we belong to Him and are His children whom He loves.

Truly, God has answers for us before we can begin to fully formulate our questions enough to try to figure out with our minds, all that we are trying to figure out.  From Hebrews 4:12, the Alleluia before the Gospel reading, is another God-answer.

 

"The word of God is living and effective,

able to discern reflections and thoughts of the Heart."

From 1 Thessalonians:

You yourselves know, brothers and sisters,
that our reception among you was not without effect.
Rather, after we had suffered and been insolently treated,
as you know, in Philippi,
we drew courage through our God
to speak to you the Gospel of God with much struggle.
Our exhortation was not from delusion or impure motives,
nor did it work through deception.
But as we were judged worthy by God to be entrusted with the Gospel,
that is how we speak,
not as trying to please men,
but rather God, who judges our hearts.
Nor, indeed, did we ever appear with flattering speech, as you know,
or with a pretext for greed–God is witness–
nor did we seek praise from men,
either from you or from others,
although we were able to impose our weight as Apostles of Christ.
Rather, we were gentle among you,
as a nursing mother cares for her children.
With such affection for you, we were determined to share with you
not only the Gospel of God, but our very selves as well,
so dearly beloved had you become to us. ~ 1 Thes 2:

From Psalm 139:

O LORD, you have probed me and you know me;
you know when I sit and when I stand;
you understand my thoughts from afar.
My journeys and my rest you scrutinize,
with all my ways you are familiar.

Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O LORD, you know the whole of it.
Behind me and before, you hem me in
and rest your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
too lofty for me to attain.

Catholic Hermit Exclaims: Lord, Have Mercy!

These words have been in my thoughts and at times uttered aloud.  Lord, have mercy!  

I do not intend the words or meaning to be a supplication of needs to be met, for the Lord has been meeting my temporal needs in marvelous ways.  I am so very grateful, and another exclamation I've been making lately is:  God provides!  Praise the Lord!

My helper, Daniel the Nazarene, came two days this past week.  As I write now, he is on his way driving to second semester of Bible college--a 16-hour drive.  I'm praying his vehicle hold up; he is concerned, and this young man's concerns are now my concerns.

The Lord, have mercy! exclamation is one of surprise and gratitude while at the same time marveling at how far this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit's body has been pushed in the manual labor this past three weeks or so since Daniel has been able to come help me with renovation and construction efforts.  He has come one day a week other than this past with two days (and maybe the week after Christmas two days).  

So in about six days' time of 6-7 hours including lunch and snack breaks, my helper and I were able to get tongue-in-groove ceilings installed upstairs and down the slanted ceiling wall in two bedrooms.  We put ceiling boards in a 24x14' living room, installed drywall up high in a stairwell, framed a stairwell wall, framed a pocket door, installed drywall on that wall and finished framing a closet door opening.  We finished hanging drywall in a couple high-up places downstairs, and we got the washer and dryer moved back into the laundry area (on other-and-underside of stairwell).

We've carried up the ladder several sheets of drywall, with Daniel taking the brunt of the lifting, thankfully so.  We nailed in 8 sheets of plywood beadboard into the attic gable "garret room".  We've had to empty out that attic space of boxes and bags of belongings stored these nearly four years so that we had space to work.

On days Daniel was not here--the bulk of days--this painful-bodied hermit hustled and pushed beyond what is truly feasible, or so it surely seems to me.  God provides!  Praise the Lord!  Others have mentioned they could never do it.  I respond, "Yes, you could and would if your existence depended upon it.   God would see you through, as He is seeing me through, at least to this very present moment."  

We never know the day or the hour.  But I am quite hopeful that I will be able to finish the hermitage in a few months, for the finances will totally be dried up and finished in a few months.  The generous assistance by Daniel the Nazarene and his willingness to drive from civilization to help an old hermit who paid an hourly wage that he appreciated and can use for college but also was not an unreasonable pay, has made all the difference.

No drugs, no foul language, a godly young man, responsible, on time, tolerant of working with an old person who is quite capable of making errors in figuring how to do carpentry work and forgetful when pain is high--God provided quite a gift in Daniel the Nazarene.

Each Sunday morning as the couple from the parish so kindly brings Communion to this hermit, they remark on the progress in this hermitage--an old farmhouse that probably could have been a tear-down to some prospective buyers who might have had a more honest and realistic realtor than had I.  The couple is seeing what a little bit of help--paid help--can do, what a little bit of charity can provide in results.  And the work is good work, for this dwelling will never be for others as it was for me.  Others will never have to undergo the hardships of living in rugged, rotten, rat-ridden, cold and nasty circumstances.

Now, that is good and holy!  And Daniel the Nazarene and next, a couple of his friends who are willing to come a day a month to help continue what help I need that I cannot do with God alone--these young people are stepping up in charity and kindness; and I am paying them more than they'd make and are so very grateful for their pay.  Loving kindness is a win-win.  When and if I live the next few months and God provides energy and strength to continue my God-alone work efforts in here, I hope to sell and gift these young people all the more with monetary assistance that I cannot give them right now.

It hopefully will all be a witness to the Catholic parishioners who could not so much as take five minutes to lift a microwave up on its metal holding strip, or those who could not let their son come for 10-15 minutes to help me lift up six sheets of drywall--with payment to them, of course.  It hopefully will be a witness to the Catholic parishioners who a priest said there were no men who could help me the first summer carry in six sheets of 1/2" plywood.  

Hopefully it can be a witness to the Catholic realtor and the parish St. Vincent de Paul Society who the realtor mentioned could help me that first cold winter when the roof was leaking like a sieve and I had no one to help with the most minor of tasks but requiring another set of hands now and then.  That Catholic realtor will not be selling the house, but she will surely be aware when another has the listing and will see that God provided through other Christians, such as Daniel the Nazarene and his friends, the little bit of help that made it feasible for this old and pained hermit to be able to progress toward completion.

Lord, have mercy!  As I read more of St. Bernard of Clairvaux's Sermons on the Song of Songs, in the introduction we are reminded of the ultimate goal and need to be united in God's love--to love God in Himself and to realize deeply that He loves us and it is His love by which we are able to love Him.  And, the saint reminds that once we love God in Himself and have union in His love, it is then that we are able to truly love others.  It is then that we are called to drop our love embrace in contemplation and to be charitable to the temporal needs of others.  

I hope to write more about what St. Bernard explains of God and His Love.  But for now, before more storms roll through, I must drop my desire to write of what Bernard shares and get the very pained and sore body off the mattress, dressed, and utilizing the compound miter saw set up outside on the deck.  I have more ceiling areas (shorter boards so can nail with God's help) to cut and install and some 2x4's to nail in here and there in various parts of the stairwell and attic garret so that there will be adequate surfaces to which to hang drywall.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Lord, have mercy!  God provides!  Praise the Lord!