Catholic Hermit: Solus Deus

A spiritual friend had texted this morning, remembering it was the surgeon four-month follow up appointment today.  I know the friend would pray; and I know the person knows I am praying for a grandson, a month old now, born with cleft palate and but one kidney--and that not functioning properly.  Then a family member called to hear how the appointment transpired.  Am grateful for thoughtful inquiries.

In evening received a text from the neighbor who picked up items from the warehouse store.  Wanted to know what could be done, such as a physical trainer, to get me built up and healed--wanted to know what people in the neighborhood could do to help me with any needs.  How very thoughtful!  

I texted an online site in which the person could read about Adhesive Arachnoiditis, as it is best for people to see it in print that this is not going to be healed.  I explained that physical therapy actually is not advised due to the potential for exacerbating the arachnoiditis symptoms; walking is about the best, plus doing some gentle stretching--and even walking will cause the AA to flare. 

As for many neighbors knowing about my situation, I mentioned given my physical vulnerability especially when I have pain sieges, or such as the vertigo, best to have just a few know, ones who won't mind my calling upon them if I need some assistance.  I now pray that I worded the message in a way that will not seem ungrateful, yet I did not want to specify also the medication consideration; I had a medication theft situation several years ago.  In our current climate pain caution is necessary.

I will message in return when it is daylight, making sure the neighbor person knows how grateful I am that they are willing to be a contact couple for me.  I definitely have learned to not mention my hermit vocation by means of explaining why I am used to or am living in more solitude than most others.  I have learned it is best to not stir thought-associations or notions of what can come to mind regarding the word "hermit" or even to some, what "Catholic" can bring forth by word association.

I know that the Lord is letting me know He is providing for me--lovely, kind people in the vicinity who have compassion and realize, such as this neighbor, is beginning to relate and factor the reality of the situation--albeit thinking in terms that most would--of healing, of improving more than what likely will be the reality in physical terms.  I, myself, am grappling with the reality of how limited I am compared to even a couple months prior to surgery.

The surgeon agrees that the increased pain and various symptoms indicate the Adhesive Arachnoiditis likely is worse.  I could honestly say that the lumbar area, while still painful in a post-surgical way, feels stabilized and solid, and I can tell I'm improved from post-surgery in that type of aspect--incision, motion, not needing the brace on as much other than when standing to make the soup the other day, or when engaged in tasks requiring lifting or such as the Lyft car ride today.

But it is likely the surgery (and the pain doctor's early July steroid injection into the spinal column) exacerbated the Arachnoiditis, for those symptoms include now numbness in the legs, off and on, and the spinal stenosis aspect of surgery is quite successful, so the spinal cord and peripheral nerves are no longer being pinched.  Thanks be to God, once again, for having the AA diagnosis and finding a couple or so reliable research sites and abstracts.  All the various symptoms are easily explained!

But it is rather a discouraging prognosis, and one in which I simply must trust in God fully.  The surgeon agreed that there is really no way of knowing other than the instrumentation and bone in the surgery area are all looking "great."  But the increase in other symptoms which are in the AA research, indicates that situation has worsened.  At least being able to take anti-inflammatory medication and supplements again, will help somewhat, surely!  And I still hope in God for increased stamina over the next 8 months that will complete a year of surgery recovery.

Tonight continues a series of nights in which the pain is keeping me from sleep.  This night is the worst thus far, with a spinal headache and nausea that do not want to give in to the medication's ameliorating effects.  I'll add on some Excedrin, and otherwise continue prayers for people, for all our souls, for God's will in our lives.

I'm accepting the seeming dropping by the wayside of a couple other friends of the past.  While we had not kept in touch frequently, their lives have moved on in ways positive, I'm sure; and mine is as I've written already, as if in a cusp, or facing a portal of which I ask the Lord's help in the timing and the presence to pass through.  This is a portal which I sense enters into deeper spiritual life in Christ, greater love of God and others but in a less temporal, less tangible way of love.

And I still deal with my wrong doings, my imprudence, my lack of filtering and of expressing myself in ways that trigger and/or offend others.  I'm giving over to the Lord to choose for me, those who can forgive and accept my apologies or also to be able to understand and live with the reality of my imperfections and idiosyncrasies.  I also must allow those who cannot forgive me or not able to accept my imperfection--to accept their moving on in their lives and for me to let go with gratitude and inner peace.  

I'm not fully at the inner peace part of those who need to drop off and move on in their lives; I still feel bad for my offenses even in a couple cases in which I truly do not know what it is or was, or even if something I had done--of which I tend to think surely was my flaws or wrong-doings.  Just seems would be due to something on my part; it is best to give others the benefit of the doubt.  

But in a couple other situations, of course I know my fault and have been forgiven by God even if not by the persons, or if also by the persons, I do not know if that is the case, but on my part I must accept and live God's forgiveness.  That is not always so easy--to have that kind of faith that God's forgiveness is full and instantaneous--our souls washed white as snow when we have repented and asked God to forgive us.

I'm certain of God's allowance of all these matters, however.  Even though I make mistakes and missteps, God knows my heart and knows my level of suffering, and knows the fragility of what I can handle in accord with my great love and concern for others, along with a sensitivity in awareness of nuances and situations.

"A strong city have we;
He sets up walls and ramparts to protect us" (Isaiah 26:1). 

The pain in my body complicates matters of sensitivity and concern; my threshold of tolerance is not as temperate as would be virtuous.  However, I consider that in a couple or so circumstances, it is more virtuous, it seems, to have the honest thoughts and feelings exposed even if gauchely so, and causing hurt which of course I regret, resulting in severance.

All in all, though, I have this deep, inner sense that the Lord is leading also guiding, and is allowing by His providence and will, the curtailing or trimming back or cutting off, temporarily or in this potential end-run or phase.  He is bringing forward such as a few neighbors for brief interactions. 

I am grasping in these types of contacts, more as how the hermits St. Seraphim the Seraph, St. Godric of Finchale,and St. Charbel Maklouf viewed and firmly held to letting go of various persons, and that they accepted God's also limiting of others in contacts and relationships.

"It is better to take refuge in the LORD
than to trust in man" (Ps. 118:8)

For me, it is as the Lord is choosing for me.  (I certainly am aware to not trust in myself.)  While I can continue to fully take responsibility for my flawed aspects and sins, others, also, have option to have forgiven or been willing to go forward despite my doings.  In all of the shiftings of relationships, the timing coincides amazingly, providentially, with the increase of pain and further unknowing of whatever limitations and sufferings.  

I am reminded of God's directing our lives as lived in our vocations--be it lay persons in single or married vocations, or those of us in the various forms of consecrated life of the Church, or those in holy orders.  Especially in the hermit vocation, the formation and living out, day by day, our eremitic lives are individually chosen and unfold uniquely by God, our ultimate, Divine Superior.

Well, the spinal headache is not subsiding, so I will need to take more Super Excedrin and add on a half of muscle relaxant.  I had hoped in God that I'd not have an aftermath from the drive to and from surgeon nor from the short walk. (But this does not mean that I will give up trying to develop stamina physically and otherwise.)  God has chosen and allows this increased, painful aftermath instead of what I wanted. 

It is as simple as that.

"I will give thanks to You, for You have answered me
and have been my Savior" (Ps. 118:21). 

And I know in love and faith, with increasing trust that God is always providing and willing what is best for my soul.  His will be done, and I am realizing how blessed to learn to praise Him for choosing always what is best for us--for our souls, specifically and especially.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit, Severe Suffering, Confession

The severe spinal headache continues, off and on and mostly on.

There are life factors involved; the temporal and tangible does affect our bodies, our health.  We must try to cope as best we can when there is tremendous suffering.  Medication does not always work well, and then what?

For such times, when it seems desperate times require desperate measures, when it seems we can no longer pray, we simple "be."

Take whatever pain medications we are blessed to be given, try to continue on with whatever way we might distract ourselves from the intractable pain, and also consider that other aspects affecting our emotions--wounds to the heart--also can contribute.

In that, we remember that Jesus can heal all wounds.  Ask Him to do so.  Ask for strength, for fortitude.  Try to maintain the outer even if the inner is in total chaos and seems near to hopelessness.

Yes, it is quite difficult to take in much rejection, to face disappointments with those who say or do without realizing the effect it has on others.  We can quietly work through these issues, doing our best to seek justice, but also there is the aspect that we ourselves have possibly said or done what has created others to react.  We may not even know exactly; or it could be that our very lives somehow become (or at some point in the past became) too much for others to be able to cope with.

Then, of course, if consecrated to God, if Jesus has consecrated our hearts, we must factor in that this means our lives are not going to be lived via a more typical course.  The wounds are going to come and be felt, and we must let go of the struggle to try to self-correct the course, to try to veer onto some "normal" path--akin to those paths in lives we see around us.

For a consecrated hermit, this is particularly true.  And for a soul whose heart has been wounded by, has been consecrated by Jesus Himself, years ago, the reality of that supernatural experience that had physical and temporal "signs" with it, is well to remember.  It is an experience that is best to be held and turned and viewed in its various facets.

The reality, then, becomes that of "What can you expect?"  Of course there will be tremendous suffering to the point that the heart seems on the verge of breaking.  The physical pain will also throb, and one can wonder at such pain in the head--and then recall another time, perhaps, in which the Lord emphasized to "Think with the heart!"  It helps to make sense of the reality that the head is in such suffering, that it cannot think that well; the heart must think for it.

The world sometimes can present such challenges and obstacles that are so very painful in all their emotional and mental details.  And others can make such hardships and even create obstacles or rules all the more painful when one begs for leniency on some rule or other.  This may be the case, such as in a business entity in the secular world, that it becomes a temptation to do whatever, to say whatever, to simply have justice in some temporal aspect.

One thinks of Jesus and the guys, walking through a field of wheat on the Sabbath.  Hungry, tired (and tired of extreme rules of what one cannot "do" on the Sabbath), they pluck some heads of grain to eat.  Yet they do not involve others in any deception.  They do not fight evil with evil.  It is not evil to eat.  Do we need to fast when the bridegroom is present to us?  He says not.

What does a consecrated hermit, authentically living the life as God's hermit, do when a sin has been committed?  Even in desperation, even if the outcome is just, even if some person in some position in the "world" has caused a wrong, even if in need and something is terribly wrong with a policy and an exception ought to be made for justice's sake, what if an untruth is part of the means to obtain justice in the outcome?

To whom does a hermit turn to confess a sin committed?  If authentically living as a consecrated hermit, a religious eremite, existing in the silence of solitude--to whom is confession and contrition for a sin made?

We make confession to Jesus, to the Bridegroom, here in our presence, here in our cell.  The Lord already knows.  He knows the obstructions, the unyielding and unjustifiable rule that someone in the world made even more severe out of a certain pleasure of power.  The Lord knows the injustice of it, and the desperation and all aspects of the wounded heart and crown-of-thorns head that help derange the mind enough to consider and yield to fighting an evil with another evil.

But, for a consecrated soul, for one whose heart has been consecrated by Christ to Christ, that way of fighting for justice does not settle well.  What has it come to, to do a wrong against a wrong to achieve justice?  Of course, it is a rather minor thing in actuality, and the world is filled with far worse.  Yet a soul consecrated by Jesus Himself, years ago, will go to the Lord in the quiet and solitude of its cell, and will confess and ask for mercy.  

The Lord will determine the judgment, minor as it may be in some ways yet major to a conscientious soul and definitely wrong in the ways of the world's rules of minds no matter how unjustifiable in the particulars of this situation.  The Lord hears and will decide.  The soul's heart will know the decision.  The Lord is kind and merciful, slow to anger and abiding in His love.

Confession for a consecrated hermit, authentically living his vows in silence and solitude, is a holy sacrament available in any present moment.  The confessional is the cell, and that "cell" also may be the consecrated heart which rules over the mind's will, given over in obedience to His Real Presence.  The high priest is Jesus Himself, and absolution and peace is His to bequeath, Sacred Heart to consecrated heart.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Let us love one another for love is of God!

Hermit's Reflection on Hebrews, Chapter 2

The Book of Hebrews

Chapter 2

If we place ourselves as the recipients of the Living Word (of which we truly are, for who else did God intend to speak and teach?), we find that although priests have far more responsibility in preaching and teaching and guiding souls, we each and all are called to more faithfulness.

All the more we must heed and enact what we are told by His Real Presence, the Living Word.  We know that the angels’ proclamations are accurate; those that fell receive their punishment, and those who obey receive reward.  Then likewise, we must not ignore the reality of what is our recompense if we disobey—nor what is given us in our obedience to God:  salvation.

Jesus taught all these realities to us in His Words and His actions.  We know also from the testimony of those people who were His companions as well as the general public who happened to hear Him or heard of Him.  God added to the truths spoken—of our just recompense in abasement or salvation.  The choice is ours.  God made these truths all the more noted through signs, miracles, acts of power, and bequeathing gifts to His Son and also then to His followers—gifts of the Holy Spirit—given according to God’s will.

God did not create the world for the pleasure and salvation of angels.  He created this world for us, each of us.  Yet we do not know how to live in this world as subjects of God.  So He sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to demonstrate for us, how it is to live in subjection to Him, to be subjects of God of which all things are to be subject to Him.

For us to grasp and learn, to approach some sort of understanding of how to navigate this world and to live as all the world is to live, in subjection to God—Jesus was made man.  He became our leader but not a political leader or a regime leader.  He is the leader of our  souls’ salvation.  He is the leader who demonstrates in every temporal and spiritual detail, how to live in subjection to God yet exist in this world, among people and creatures, plants and things.

What is it that differentiates this created world from heaven?   What is it that distinguishes our human lives and that of God’s existence?  It is suffering.  So even in suffering God partook of the toils and tribulations of what we experience here on earth.  Jesus, from His mortal birth onward, met with the various hardships and trials, the persecutions, the evils, the humiliations and sacrifices, the physical pain and mental torment, the emotional sorrows, and the heartbreak of shattering disappointments of deception.

Jesus’ existence as God and as man, seals our consecration.  God is the only One Who can consecrate, can make holy and sacredly divine our soul’s existence, to bind our soul in Him.  Through His Son, God consecrates us and gives us one origin: holy, in God.

That is how Jesus can call us His own, the children God has given Him, His brothers and sisters.  We are not only called as Christ’s own; we are made His own, become His own.  By the grace of God, Jesus tasted life and swallowed death, like us, doing so for everyone.

Each of us humans share with one another blood, flesh, thoughts, emotions, outer and inner senses, and even each have souls—so also did Jesus share each human aspect with us.  There is one major difference, though, and that is what we humans ought hold near and dear when we live out or lives on this earth, amidst earthly creatures and creation.

Jesus as God’s Son, in union with God and the Holy Spirit, as God has power over the one who causes pain and destruction, chaos and despair, tears and deception, in our lives: the devil.  It is all that can mean “death” in our lives that we people fear throughout life.  We fear death for ourselves and for others, as well, and we fear all the accompaniments of death that the devil begets in our daily lives.  

These deaths are wrapped up in our wickedness to others and to creation, our deception, our pride and willfulness, our selfishness and sinfulness.  The devil preys upon our weaknesses—physical ailments, emotional hurts, mental sickness, weariness, innocence, confusion, doubt, sexuality, doubts, age.  The devil takes advantage of any of our disadvantages.  The devil plants seeds of greed and various vices in our tired or tepid minds.  We become slaves to death rather than subjects of God and glory!

But through Jesus Christ, God made man, God came to rescue us, to help us, to give us a pathway—a means of consecration—to holiness and eternal salvation.  No matter what we humans may suffer or experience in this life and in this world, no matter the time period or country or under whatever earthly ruler, no matter the devil itself, Jesus has suffered likewise in each nuance and situation.  Jesus, the merciful and faithful high priest before God, expiates our sins.

One must hope, even when he devil seems to have won out over a soul in this life, that Jesus in His mercy and faithfulness expiates that soul’s sins.  Even when a priest, a minister of the Living Word, an alter Christus or anyone who espouses that he or she is a follower of Jesus Christ, falls short and fail but one or many of the various tests we face in life—we must have hope and faith that Jesus, the high priest, Son of God and One with the Father and Holy Spirit—expiates our failings.  He ever helps those of us who are being tested.

God grant us redemption and salvation.  Jesus, help us to endure this life.

Dear God in Heaven....

The past three weekends have been praying more specifically if am to attempt physical return to Mass.  For two weekends had pain sieges so was laid out on this mattress on hermitage floor.  This weekend, however, there was no physical obstacle.  In fact, the hermit's helper's father said he would be at the Sat. evening Mass; the hermit felt more secure in attempting this.

Could not locate the little sign that in a previous diocese, was recommended to help others hopefully not touch, not call 911, so that the hermit would not be injured by those not realizing the situation of a spiritual ecstasy, a mystical phenomenon, or what this hermit has come to term "the state during Mass."  

However, since the hermit has not been physically to Mass for a good long while, it decided to not keep looking for the little sign, as surely by now the state would not happen.  And, why even give any aspect of the psyche any hint or reminder, such as having the sign at hand?  Rather, forget about it and assume it was over and done.  After all, after reading more of Teresa of Avila's personal experience with the like, she found that when she no longer feared having her body and faculties taken into union with God, her ecstasies ceased.

This consecrated Catholic hermit has no longer feared the ecstatic state for some time.  In fact, the hermit has been seemingly neglectful of a lot of spiritual reading lately, ever since the young helper started coming for three hours each morning, weekdays, to help--other than when the hermit has too much pain to be up and working.  It has been lectio divina (Divine Word of God study, meditation) and a book or two or three of a mystic saint victim soul, a mystic hermit, and some homilies of Pseudo-Macarius.

Off to Mass, then, Saturday evening.  There was a hard, wooden pew in the very back corner (other pews are padded which causes too much back pain for this hermit), so that seemed a good seating choice.  The helper's dad was not there, after all, but the hermit decided due to the long drive, to remain and fear not anything at all.  Surely nothing would occur after this length of time and how woefully lacking in spiritual efforts lately.

But with the lection of the First Scripture Reading of the Living Word of God, the hermit was taken out of itself with the powerful force of the Holy Spirit, the faculties suspended, and the Mass--the stairway to Heaven--continued in all its loving glory.  The Mass was blissful in a serene nothingness of all but God.  The heart fluttered and enlarged--the wounded, consecrated heart.  Then stillness and union and so very much love of the Beloved!  Communion in union with God, and that was that.

Somewhere toward the end of Mass or perhaps while the angels yet singing and music playing at the end of Mass, the voices of people and poking began.  Concerned voices, increasingly strong prods; fingers gouging deep into the neck arteries, hands lifting up the head.  The hermit began to pray within, begging God and its angel to protect it.  Lord, you know how much work yet to be done on that old house and am running out of money! But whatever you will--please protect me!

Then the voice whose hands were lifting the head said to someone else to hold the head and not let go; he was going to call 911.  Unresponsive person, very faint pulse.  Ah, thanks be to God they were not going to let the head drop--the very thing that caused the hermit serious neck injury over three years ago!   Thanks be to God!  But 911?  Oh, no...here we go again.

Finally the hermit was given movement enough to force open the eyelids part-way.  She is opening her eyes!  Tell the dispatcher, but she cannot move, cannot speak!  Send help!  So the hermit then begged within to the Lord, and slowly the mouth could open, and with great effort decided upon one word that might stop the alarm:  Ecstasy.  Surely they would understand that.

But no, the man thought ecstasy, the drug.  Then as an afterthought, mentioned could it be some religious thing?  Still on the phone with 911 dispatcher.  So then, gradually more in the temporal, the hermit was able to say more forcefully:  MASS!  That got through.  The man said it must be something having to do with the spiritual!  Then, slowly, slowly, the fingers could move, then the words could come out in phrases.  No 911!  Am all right!  

And quite soon, was able to answer a few questions of the dear people so concerned, and was asked to talk to the dispatcher.  No need to come.  No one is in need.  The man who happened to be a retired firefighter, and thus how he knew not to let go of the head, asked if had ever considered having a little sign?

Mercy.  Well, yes, but cannot find it in the mess of the fixer upper, and frankly thought the state would not happen, surely not happen, after remaining physically away from Mass for so long.  The gathering dispersed, and the couple remained with a couple more questions, and encouraged a return to Mass the next Saturday evening.

On the long drive back to the hermitage, there were a couple of thoughts.  One was--glory be--that this was the same weekend some years ago that the first ecstasy at Mass began to occur.  How many years?  The hermit had to think a bit:  Seven years ago!  And the second thought came, more involved and pithy.  
Bits of Dr. H's conversation of a couple years or more ago came to mind--his conviction that this type of mystical phenomenon in its power and force of great love from God, was not meant just for the hermit.  No, he was certain that the power emanating when a person would be in this state, would be efficacious for those in the vicinity, or even more so if touching another.  Could be very healing, he thought, and of benefit to others, and therefore encouraged the hermit to not fear but rather to allow itself to be exposed and vulnerable--yet safe from physical harm by those not understanding.

The hermit pondered Dr. H's thoughts on the subject and considered his expertise in the paranormal.  Plus, there was the aspect of his knowing the hermit for years and years, as well as having experienced other mystical events the hermit had, years ago.  He was always right then, and he was always reaching through to the positive, to have courage, to see the good that God was desiring to do through the hermit, and for the hermit to embrace and cooperate.

Then the hermit thought of what Jesus had specifically shown and told the hermit over four years ago, after the neck injury and the abandonment by its then prelate spiritual director.  He showed the hermit a group of parishioners, mostly women, and a few priests.  He said they will criticize and persecute you, but you are to pay no attention to them. 

And for awhile, the hermit had held up courageously, continued to go to Mass after the neck healed, and then again after the second shoulder surgery recovery time, but that was when the hermit was being shunned to a point that its spiritual father advised to just rest and have spiritual communions and trust in the Lord.  Priests were verbal as to not wanting the hermit in their parishes.  See how fear and ignorance of a situation can breed ugliness and consternation?

But, the hermit then lost courage, even after moving to a desert place, far from the hustle of civilization, far, far away. From time to time, tried Mass at various parishes, but the hermit lost the courage to endure the criticism and persecution.  And then the pain and the trials of hard life circumstances, increased illnesses and obstacles, kept the hermit in the hermitage, praying and working and suffering and reading the Scriptures and offering spiritual communions.

To cut to the now, the hermit has prayed and pondered and consulted with a couple wise ones, and will put a call in to Dr. H. and the spiritual father.  Today when the helper was finished and his father came to take him home, he asked if the hermit had gone to Mass.  Yes--and the helper's dad said he was sorry he was not at that Mass, after all, but rather the Sunday morning Mass.  Yes, yes, the hermit realized that, and we spoke a few minutes about the situation.  The hermit mentioned the thought--increasing as insights do--that the hermit has been selfishly approaching this situation and had lost its way in having the courage and willingness to take persecution and criticism. 

Perhaps, yes, the Lord has something far other in mind than anything for the hermit's benefit in the ecstasies during Mass.  Otherwise surely they would be taken away--gone--by now, after seven years, after all!  So maybe Dr. H. is correct, and that somehow this state during Mass is for the benefit of the people there in some supernatural way, such as healing, even if they nor the hermit never know consciously.

We will continue to pray about it during the week, but the helper's dad suggested the hermit always come on Sunday morning and sit near him in the choir area, or in the wood pew where his family will sit, so that there be no need of even a sign.  But if a sign, the hermit would have it be an honest one--not saying "Meditating", but using the proper term, "Spiritual Ecstasy."  For, it is true that if one is meditating, if touched or shaken, the person would be able to open the eyes, move, and speak--rouse from the meditation.  And that is what confuses, as when people found no response, they forgot the sign and figured a serious medical condition was at hand, requiring the paramedics, fire trucks, police vehicles--been through it too many times!

If a sign, though, it would not say "Do not touch".  It would say, "Please don't worry; don't call 911.  Spiritual ecstasy.  You may gently touch or leave a prayer request."  That would open it to the positive rather than the negative; that would be truthful, not misleading. Honesty is the best policy even if it brings criticism and persecution. 

And the hermit assured the helper's dad that there will be criticism and persecution.  People will say the hermit is promoting itself, drawing attention to itself by being at the most attended weekend Mass, by being in the choir area toward the front--visible.  And at first, when the helper's dad suggested this plan, the hermit balked.  It does not like being noticed, does not like larger groups, and does not like being touched.  

Yet it is time to overcome self, to die to self more, to do as Jesus said and finally not pay attention to criticism and persecution.  It must look to the positive of what God might be willing in what many would call a spiritual gift, even if the hermit has had much suffering.  That suffering may have come due to the mis-discernment of what God intends and desires of it, as perhaps something healing and beneficial for others.

It is certainly worth trying it out.  In the meantime, in the next few days prior to Sunday Mass, the hermit will seek the direction of its spiritual father and also Dr. H.  Must ask the experts God has for us in these situations, just as the hermit has certainly called upon Craig and Rusty for construction and plumbing advice--and heeds their advice!  But yes, this different way of approaching and considering why God has not removed this state, no matter what, and that He has something in Mind for others, is resonating and falling into place naturally, simply, serenely...and with a sense of hope.

And the hermit does benefit from being at Mass, of course.  The love, the heart, the union with the Beloved, being among the worshippers of His Real Presence at the Mass, the Stairway to Heaven, is bliss.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: Praying, Working, Suffering, Acedia

Haven't written much lately but continue on in prayer, work, and pain.

This past week have been mostly on the mattress, trying to pray, to keep up the spirits and a positive attitude on all the work yet to be done in conjunction to flailing finances.  Have been also keeping up some with the world scene and, ironically, the world of politics.  Donald Trump has taught this hermit much.  (Will write on that topic later.)

About all the hermit has accomplished physically is to keep up some watering.  Picked some vegetables and fruits, had a visit from a young neighbor lad who was home alone one day when power was out, and have tried to pray even though nothing very disciplined.

Seems as if this consecrated Catholic hermit has come into a phase of spiritual acedia.  The financial advisor--great Catholic man and wisely practical (admire this as seems to be lacking in the hermit!)--sent a brochure of the prayers ascribed as Jesus' asking them of St. Bridget.  While the "promises" included if a person prays these prayers for a good length of time, daily, are not condoned by the Church and were added at some point in history distant from St. Bridget's time on earth, the prayers are rote, mental, yet very good in covering aspects of Jesus' life mission.

It has been awhile since the nothing Catholic hermit has prayed verbal/mental prayers.  This hermit is not a disciplined type in temperament, as far as remaining in one phase or aspect of spiritual growth.  However, in the spiritual life, we know that there is never, on earth, a time in which we will not ever sin, not ever be in perfect contemplation.  Rather, we wax and wane; there is a movement innate in us as in the ocean of the high tide and ebb tide.  We roll with the Order of the Present Moment.

But we can lapse in our process of seeking God and loving Him with all our bodies, minds, hearts and souls.  We can drift far out yet not as in a productive or generative casting out into the deep.  More it is as if we are drifting out in a sewage drain system, where the farther we drift, the worse the stench and the thicker the sludge and excrement.

This weary, pained, consecrated Catholic hermit recently has been out in the sewage of the world too much.  Even if trying (and praying) to refocus on His Real Presence, to read the spiritual writings so good for the soul, to still its soul in listening to the Holy Spirit--the eyes have taken in far too much of the world in news and thoughts despite always trying to relate everything in existence to a spiritual lesson, a spiritual truth, a linkage through, with, and in His Real Presence.

Now, that was one long sentence expressing a simple but huge thought.

This hermit has been stricken with spiritual acedia, and what to do about it?  Friends are praying that the hermit get back into work mode which helps provide the groundwork for silent prayer leading to contemplation while in the process of work progress.  It is an art form, is manual labor, and it is a symphony of silence, solitude, slowness, suffering, selflessness (mind leaves self), stillness, simplicity, stability, serenity.

But the hermit has wandered the laptop, for the spiritual reading of Macarius and finishing Dionysius can be heavy--as in the books themselves are hard to lift and hold when needing to be flat on the back with knees propped under pillow to allow for low back to be relieved somewhat.  And in pain, the mind has difficulty focusing on other-than-pain.  And time flows by with concern arising: how will the hermit be able to financially and physically finish this temporal abode before dire straits arrive?

The other evening the hermit came across the musical artist Eric Clapton.  Second greatest guitarist in the world, it is said.  The hermit read about and listened to documentaries on the musician and man.  Observing those who are successful in their life missions, work, and genius teaches much that can be applied to how a consecrated Catholic hermit (or any soul!) can be successful in our unique, God-ordained life missions and temporal-spiritual life purpose.

There are certain commonalities woven through the lives of people who succeed in life, whether their missions are more in "the world" or not in "that world" but destined to be of it, all of us, physically.  Not to go into the points in this post, but the song "Holy Mother" written and performed by Eric Clapton (and in some instances along with the great Luciano Pavaroti), hit this hermit's body, mind, heart, and soul last evening.  Thus, the two postings from YouTube.

Awoke this morning with the melody and words of "Holy Mother" flowing in the mind, heralding a day in which the nothing consecrated Catholic hermit has great hope and faith that the formal definition of spiritual acedia is already passing away and waning, and the deep and profound love of God and delight and desire in all things of God, rules the being and soul.

On another note, have read not too long ago that some blogs are successful due to the sheer honesty and personal vulnerability of the blogger.  Those who admit to their humanness and open to the reality that they are not perfect and are striving regardless (no matter their topic), tend to garner the touchstone aspect with the vast bulk of likewise-striving humanity.

This hermit, this soul, certainly hopes it is touching other touchstones and is being touched, as well.  The recent feelings of spiritual backsliding, of this phase of spiritual acedia, of the reality that the world can be alluring to even those of whom God has personally called out of the world and has spoken in His Voice to that effect, assure this hermit (and hopefully others) that  it is no different than all who remain quite aware that we are in temporal and spiritual procession.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Little children, let us love one another as God loves us first.

Why a Mystery?

Awoke in what is becoming typical break-through pain.  Had attempted, last evening, one small bit of activity--very minor and minimal--a task, on yard upkeep.  It was obviously too much for the severe muscle problem in upper back.  Due to the level of pain and inability to do much of anything using that area of back and the right arm, the muscle is perhaps torn, not sprained.  Or is it the pain and solitude playing upon the mind, heart, and spirit?

Have been pondering why the recent viewing of light, British mystery.  And also why the disinterest and detachment from current news of this temporal world?

It has to do with phases of the mind, heart, and soul--and also very much the body.  Did a small bit of research; the internet is excellent for that.  Had already figured that the Lord was answering the prayer to detach this hermit from temporal loves and to be increasingly attached to His Love--and thus love in His Love, all His Creatures and Creation.

As to why the viewing of the gentle (some are tense and more violent) British mystery videos, the hermit already knew it was using them as a form of detaching from higher levels of physical pain.  The mindless aspects and somewhat predictable outcomes of justice prevailing in the end, were soothing when the mind is besieged trying to manage severe pain.  Often enough, the music and lilting British accents and the bucolic scenery of English countryside and more gentle and restrained characters, lulled the hermit into dozing.

Current news clips do not do that; they are not soothing, and often enough it is just one crime or outrage or wrong-doing after another.  One knows without watching, what one is to pray for in the world.  The categories are obvious, and the events repeat themselves, horrible as they are and disastrous, and the magnitude of human suffering from evils perpetrated or untruths and maneuvering, of man's inhumanity to man, of the decline of morality and religious freedom, of poverty--the realities are known.  Prayers are needed and offered.

Mysteries--fictionalized--offer an opiate and an escape.  There is a control over a situation but second- or third-hand, from outside observation.  Wrongs are righted.  Clues are presented, and the mind is engaged in some degree or other, or does not have to be; the show begins and ends within a brief period of temporal time.  Justice prevails.  Themes of man's minds and souls are unveiled--themes of all mankind since the beginning, since the Garden of Eden.  Good vs. Evil and choices to be made--and man overcoming the evil, the wrongs, the lacking of good turning to increase in good, for the time being.

There is a linkage between a mystery and God in the Mass.  The other day, resting on this mattress and trying to cope with the pain and have a break from asking God some questions about how to proceed with so much work needing to be done here and the body incapacitated and for who knows how long--noticed a program that involved the paranormal but yet a mystery.  However, it was tense and unnerving, and justice was not served in the end. That one did not at all lead this hermit's body, mind, heart or spirit in any upward movement toward God--not even in any way the hermit can usually bring some holy good out of most incidents or situations.

But when in the research on why people are drawn to mysteries, the point was made that they can be a simple escape and a type of opiate, that made sense as to the recent inclusion of some of the gentler forms of the mystery, in the hermit's daily life.  

Yesterday was able to read another homily of Pseudo-Macarius, but the severe pain in upper back vies for mental space, and the result was rather exhausting--yet there is assurance when reading spiritually beneficial material, that the conclusion will always be uplifting even if the mind cannot grasp much content.  Any of the content of a solidly spiritual book, and the writings of ascertained holy persons, is going to be an increase in the good.

When the body is 22 hours or more in prone position, and trying to manage pain, and praying for guidance, and trying to be quieted to listen to His Real Presence, relief to the suffering is most welcome and helpful.  We must latch onto what God provides even if it seems not what would lead us into His Love and upward spiraling.  Some aspects might surprise us, and with a little thought and asking, and listening, and a little research (consulting others who have background in various topics), we get answers to something as simple as why does a person enjoy or benefit from a mystery?

However, this phase is also temporary for this hermit.  Upon waking at 3 a.m. this time, it was the reading of His Living Word that soothed even if the pain is such that the mind cannot cling to the Words themselves.  The soul is able to cling to the Word Himself.  It feels reassured and good that the mind has read the Word, and there are bits that remain conscious, such as that of being consecrated.  Jesus speaks of being consecrated.  St. Paul talks of perseverance.  More than that, in detail or comprehension, the mind escapes and now is listening to the chirping birds as dawn breaks.

God bless His Real Presence in us, and us in Him!  Let us love with His love, one another.  Praise Him for the healing of our bodies, minds, hearts, and spirits--in all ways that He chooses, for differing situations and in the passing away of this world, our world in the temporal, and for the permanence of existing in His Love for eternity.

Catholic Hermits on the Defensive?

It just is not worth it for Catholic hermits (or anyone) to feel as if they are on the defensive or to try to justify their own plans of daily life.  For one thing, daily life changes:  daily.

And, for another, it is not for others to judge, quite frankly and truthfully.  Only a Catholic hermit and his or her spiritual director--be that a bishop or not--and HIS REAL PRESENCE (and especially His Real Presence!) are the One and the ones to determine the pace and the nuances of a hermit's daily regimen.

That is rather the point of one of this Catholic hermit's posts--think it is the one titled "Who Do We Think We Are?" or something like that.  It details some judging that has gone on, even if not specified by the person/s as judgmental.  No one else really knows the whys or wherefores of how a consecrated Catholic hermit is or should be or has to be living his or her life.

In fact, no one should be declaring a Catholic hermit consecrated or not consecrated in the Catholic Church, based upon his or her own interpretations of what is specified in Church documents, or presuming someone has an impediment to being in the Consecrated Life of the Church.  A Catholic hermit's bishop and/or spiritual director or other Church authority can make that determination when it comes down to validity, if that designation even matters ultimately, eternally (and not the least) to His Real Presence!  

But for the purpose of truth to oneself, to God, and to His Body, the Church--if a Catholic hermit, to the satisfaction of its director and God Himself, has fulfilled the Church's stipulations detailed per the Consecrated Life of the Church, then it is.  Truth is truth and not to be taken likely; and what is, is.  If the Church changes the stipulations for hermits in the Consecrated Life of the Church, then those Catholic hermit saints of past ages and whoever of living consecrated Catholic hermits who would not qualify anymore, can then just pass their lives for all eternity as not being part of the Consecrated Life of the Church, or not being valid, or whatever.  But thus far, that has not been the case.

As for being on the defensive as to living or not what others deem a proper and valid hermit life, that is "for the birds" if at all--and not for consecrated Catholic hermits.  It makes this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit very compassionate and even sad when it realizes some Catholic hermits feel a need to justify the way they are living out their daily lives.

Seems to this nothing here, that a good in reading about other Catholic hermits' lives is to know the depth and breadth of various life circumstances, phases, ways, and progressions by which Catholic hermits of all times and places--and currently--are living their consecrated eremitical lives.  

But it is not to judge them, or decide they are not living their lives "according to Hoyle" (according to some other Catholic hermit or non-hermit, or through the eyes of various individual priests or bishops or lay persons who have their own notions but not necessarily God's omniscience for each consecrated Catholic hermit living or dead.

From reading about other Catholic hermits' lives, we can be inspired.  We can also do the good-kind-of-judging (critical thinking skills) required to make personal decisions for our own self-adjustments in the way we may be currently living out our hermit lives.  Perhaps we read of a Catholic hermits (and these may be Catholic hermits who have fulfilled the stipulations for being in the Consecrated Life or if they have also fulfilled the CL603 stipulations) and how they are living, such as not living in solitude but living with another, or among others but not in a religious order.  We might conclude that would not be best for us.  Perhaps we desire solitude to a greater degree, or we are brought to it through life circumstances, bit by bit.  We can also be reminded to pray for our fellow hermits, and we might gain insights or even see areas for improvement.  (We might consider stretching that "strict-er" separation from the world to a greater degree or realizing we could praise God far more.)

But have those who judge as "wrong" those hermits who do not live in solitude, alone, considered how many hermits end their elder years?  Or what if debilitating illness is a hermit's trial?  It is quite feasible, for example, that this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit, with its chronic pain and increasingly serious pain sieges, may have to live with a family member at some point in future, or when elderly to a point of needing care-taking.  Many consecrated Catholic hermits have and will face that very dilemma.  So do they cease being consecrated Catholic hermits or deemed less valid or no longer consecrated through a lesser living out their vocation external circumstances?

We can think of many other examples as to why or why not we consecrated Catholic hermits may or may not be living our hermit lives according to what some may deem the "highest ideal"--whatever that might be--for a hermit's vocation.  To some, the highest ideal might be to others a negative extreme. What if a person is not "there" yet as far as being able to go without human conversation, or needs more daily activity among people than might other hermits?  

What if a hermit's financial circumstances are such that a change has occurred, and he or she needs to work part time or full time and the job available or to of which the hermit is capable is among many people or in highly interactive and noisy environment?  Do they then need to be removed as hermits?  Do they cease being part of the Consecrated Life of the Catholic Church?  Would any charitable or wise spiritual director (bishop or not) demand the hermit's withdrawal, or negate the consecrated vocation?  Would church law no longer recognize those who are CL603 hermits--with the bishop making a public statement to that effect?

What if a hermit goes along wearing a habit for awhile, approved by spiritual director (or a bishop), and then realizes it prohibits the degree of passing unnoticed or being hidden from the eyes of men--that the hermit and his or her director have determined to be best for that particular hermit?  What if the hermit decides to dress so as to blend in and not be noticed as different or be mistaken as a consecrated religious if not in the religious life?  And is it wrong for a hermit to wear a habit if and when no longer a part of the consecrated life of the church as a religious?  These aspects are determined by the hermit and his or her director, for there are always personal, individualized, and unique considerations to be made.  Not up to others to judge.

Again, no consecrated Catholic hermit is like another anymore than there are two fingerprints the same in the whole world or that have ever repeated throughout the history of mankind.

So let us not get on the defensive and feel a need to try to explain why we are living in this way or that.  For one thing, it places the emphasis on who we are to others and not who we are in His Real Presence.  

If it is a matter of describing our consecrated hermit lives in part to help us chronicle our phases and progression either as a help to ourselves or as a help to others who are discerning the vocation, then it can be a good thing to explain and describe the what's and why's.   But we should not feel a need due to insecurity or trying to prove to ourselves or to others--that we are living up to some hermit life expectations which in reality are what others--hermits or not--think a "valid" or "approved" consecrated Catholic hermit ought to be living.

And when we do come to those many turning points which punctuate a hermit's life and are actually quite good as passageways in the vocational pilgrimage, then we must not think less of others or of ourselves, if we have to make adjustments to the daily plan.  It is a joy when we can look back, however, at what we have written or can recall, and see progress.  And that progress might very much be progress in humility.  We can see humility in letting go of ourselves, too, and our own expectations of what we may have thought is the "valid" or "correct" way of Catholic hermit this or that.

And, consider that the changes which occur in the daily and monthly and yearly hermit life progressions, may only be temporary.  Or they may be permanent--as permanent as anything is, really, for only God is unchanging.  

God bless His Real Presence in us; and let us love one another as His children.  Remain in His Love, for when it is all said and done, He is All.