The struggle with pain continues. Will try to force the body up and even drive to a youth's baseball game unless it is cancelled due to sprinkles. Am not sure it wise to force the body out or not, but the mind is having tremendous difficulty managing this level of nerve pain from lumbar, down legs and into feet. I'm praying it is weather-related--this higher level of pain; but the reality would have it be the spinal cord and major peripheral nerves coming from the vertebral spaces which are no longer spaces. I think they are called facet joints, perhaps. Regardless, in my lumbar and sacral vertebra, the spaces are non-existent now, and nerves and spinal cord being squeezed to a point of being so small as difficult to see on MRI films. This morning I wondered how on earth I will be able to make it a couple more months before I can even get in to see the surgeon, and then how much longer until he has availability for surgery? Yet, I must somehow--only by the grace of God--manage this pain and more so, perhaps, manage the mind's need to depart from the pain, for however long it takes in the waiting. I am reminded of two locutions of the past, regarding suffering and pain. One was from the Virgin Mary in a waking vision with locution. The other was from St. Michael the Archangel in a waking vision with locution. It would be easier for me to verbally describe these visions and locutions, although in writing, here, on this blog, I will simply state the locutions, themselves. The Virgin Mary: "You will find Him in your pain." St. Michael the Archangel: Love to suffer, and suffer to LOVE! Now I must make this temporal body get up and attempt to get dressed. Perhaps. Will see how getting up goes. I've been up once already this morning to get coffee and some cold cereal with milk. So I know I can get up; it is mind over matter time! Pray one's way through the mind's balking with this type and level of burning and stabbing nerve pain. It is the degree of the pain to which I must adapt, and all things are possible for him who loves and turns to God in all matters. God bless His Real Presence in us! We take one moment at a time, and I must not forget to praise God for the many blessings in every present moment! Coffee, meds, floor to sleep on, blankets, a mind to be able to know various pain management ploys, a laptop to help distract, words to express thoughts, and words to communicate prayers on behalf of others who are experiencing major health problems for first time in their aging bodies. How horrible for them to have to deal with the trials and struggles of bodily suffering when not used to it. I am used to it, thanks be to God! Just am not used to this increased level of pain, is all. My adjustment is easier for me than what it is for those who are relatively new to bodily afflictions of a more serious and potentially chronic nature. I must keep my wits about me so as to better pray for the others who are trying to cope, even with ailments that have mortality death rate closely linked. My situation is "only pain." Now, buck up! Give God the glory! Rise and shine! And that can be done physically or at least in the mind. One can rise and shine within the mind and emotions, always. If I can collect my wits today, I will strive to finish writing about the third phase of St. Angela of Foligno's mystical journey. God bless His Real Presence in us!
Woke up shortly after midnight last, hearing a strange sound in the hermitage. Finally figured it was not coming from inside but perhaps under the old farmhouse, in cellar. Flashlight and coat over pajamas, and down into the tiny opening to cellar. I found a geyser shooting up four feet from the sump pump basin. Pulled the plug and amazingly not electrocuted as the earthen cellar floor has been soaked for a month or more since it flooded when previous sump pump broke. I plugged it back in, and it started to pump again. By morning when I checked, the pump then would not stop, which it is supposed to when water is not high. Was running the motor non-stop. Opened up the back-up sump pump and installed it. Brought in an extension cord to hook up small fan to at least try to circulate what air a tiny fan will. The cellar reeks of too much moisture in closed off area. Otherwise, I spent the day on the mattress, at first in state of unrest. It was not just the sump pump issues but having hired a Godly young man to help, and one day he brought a younger brother and friend. My three adult children are graciously chipping in to pay since my finances are stretched and a point of concern. But the help and I did not accomplish all that much for how much it cost after three days. Much guilt on that, but today I pondered the situation. With spiritual pain high and coming out of great spiritual darkness, and the weight of so much manual work yet to do here, and the lifestyle hardship of such ascetic existence--at least for my body and age--today I considered why the unrest. Am weary with pain, and have not had the best of sleep at nights--even though last night was actually better than some despite the cellar crisis. I was able to return to sleep after awhile. But I am not used to people here, young people, and especially the day there were three. My pain was high, and it was difficult for me to think on how to frame in for a pocket door which involved a slanted ceiling for part of the task and also jutting the top plate in another section of ceiling. Yes, I had to think it through while doing it, and the main young man hired wanted to keep busy, and we had to re-do several times. None of it his doing wrong. Well, that was the second day, after all. I am so in pain right now I can't think what we did the first day--started the framing of the first part of the wall, yes. The second day the younger boys carried in drywall and up the ladder; not easy but took quite awhile. I asked them to cut some pieces, and I did not realize that it all takes instruction, even though I tried to describe. I do better seeing it done, myself, so I needed to stop my addled wall framing brain to demonstrate. Makes sense to do so. Well, by the third day just the one young man helping, and although we worked all but lunch break, we did not get much done again, Tightened some sink pop-up valves installed requiring an extra set of hands, then put together the kitchen faucet that the cabinet installer's helper had, previously, totally reduced to pieces and parts (did not know he could remove plumbing less drastically, evidently). So we got that installed, only for me to discover that the turn on handle is sticking to the side. Will have to wait for someone to come along to hold it if I can loosen underneath to swing the handle in proper position. Does not matter. I need to refigure out how to do the p-traps. Plus, under the house we discovered, thanks to the young man there helping, that I had neglected to hook up one cold water line! Need parts to finish that task. So we tried to finish the third day by hanging some drywall, but somehow that did not go so well, either. I made errors in cutting an outlet box, and I discovered that the day before another piece of drywall was damaged in the carrying in, so will have to alter my plan for it. So today I felt terribly guilty about all the cost for very little accomplished. And I do need help now and then but the costs added up horrifically and thought we could do more. Much is due to the many glitches that occur when I have never done some of the tasks, ever. I also discovered that a man I'd hired awhile back had not installed my downstairs pocket door correctly, but maybe it can be remedied without my having to take out drywall.... So that was spent money, also, and involves more work on my part to fix it. Seems not to matter always if the person is skilled or not. The young man who came and brought younger brother and friend for one of the three days, is a marvelous young man! Godly young man! So it has nothing to do with any of that. I just am not used to much activity with others, for one thing; and it is hard to teach that which I am figuring out and learning, myself. Plus, I am so used to solitude! Amazing how solitude affects in unexpected ways! I think an issue today is due to more pain, so I sought to find the center of my soul again. Perhaps it also has to do with the juncture of the outer world with that of a mystic and hermit, and how difficult it is to have others enter in. Having the quiet of one person went better, but still, it took quite awhile to accomplish much. Plumbing is not a rush task, and then we had the glitches, anyway. Always have glitches here; obstacles abound even with the place blessed now. I'm cold, as well. Was told the costly heat pump would easily heat the entire downstairs. It warms the upstairs even with insulation between floors.... And I have a space heater in this tiny cell of a room and still have to wear a hat to keep the head warm. But what mostly I've come to, today, trying to keep the pain under control as much as possible while resting totally, is that I must stay mostly in my element of the spiritual; and that I function in quietude yet do need assistance for some tasks. It is a difficult dilemma when rather ill with physical pain, on top of other aspects. But a very positive aspect was just how wonderful it was--even fun--to have the young men here, talking, joking, wanting to work hard and my not having the energy, I suppose, or wherewithal to keep them always busy or instructing them on efforts. Was tired especially by second day! Yet, it was a true uplift to have the help and the human company after a long time of solitude and increased physical pain, and probably the darkest night of soul ever...yet. So after the guilt of thoughts of not enough accomplishment and feeling terrible that others were paying so much for my lack, I turned to the Lord; and I thought of this piece of beautiful music by once more, Brian Wilson, founder of the Beach Boys. I listen to this song which is mystical to me--the tones, the chords, the instrumentation. And the lyrics speak to me of only Jesus, of His talking to me, drawing me close, having me feel His heart beat, and telling me to "Listen, Listen, Listen." Tomorrow is another day. Am thankful for the night. I need to get on coat and shoes and with flashlight head to the cellar to check the new sump pump and shut the door to keep rats out. Will take quite an effort of body and mind to do it in the cold and chill. But I shall. Listen. Listen. Listen.
Awoke in what is becoming typical break-through pain. Had attempted, last evening, one small bit of activity--very minor and minimal--a task, on yard upkeep. It was obviously too much for the severe muscle problem in upper back. Due to the level of pain and inability to do much of anything using that area of back and the right arm, the muscle is perhaps torn, not sprained. Or is it the pain and solitude playing upon the mind, heart, and spirit? Have been pondering why the recent viewing of light, British mystery. And also why the disinterest and detachment from current news of this temporal world? It has to do with phases of the mind, heart, and soul--and also very much the body. Did a small bit of research; the internet is excellent for that. Had already figured that the Lord was answering the prayer to detach this hermit from temporal loves and to be increasingly attached to His Love--and thus love in His Love, all His Creatures and Creation. As to why the viewing of the gentle (some are tense and more violent) British mystery videos, the hermit already knew it was using them as a form of detaching from higher levels of physical pain. The mindless aspects and somewhat predictable outcomes of justice prevailing in the end, were soothing when the mind is besieged trying to manage severe pain. Often enough, the music and lilting British accents and the bucolic scenery of English countryside and more gentle and restrained characters, lulled the hermit into dozing. Current news clips do not do that; they are not soothing, and often enough it is just one crime or outrage or wrong-doing after another. One knows without watching, what one is to pray for in the world. The categories are obvious, and the events repeat themselves, horrible as they are and disastrous, and the magnitude of human suffering from evils perpetrated or untruths and maneuvering, of man's inhumanity to man, of the decline of morality and religious freedom, of poverty--the realities are known. Prayers are needed and offered. Mysteries--fictionalized--offer an opiate and an escape. There is a control over a situation but second- or third-hand, from outside observation. Wrongs are righted. Clues are presented, and the mind is engaged in some degree or other, or does not have to be; the show begins and ends within a brief period of temporal time. Justice prevails. Themes of man's minds and souls are unveiled--themes of all mankind since the beginning, since the Garden of Eden. Good vs. Evil and choices to be made--and man overcoming the evil, the wrongs, the lacking of good turning to increase in good, for the time being. There is a linkage between a mystery and God in the Mass. The other day, resting on this mattress and trying to cope with the pain and have a break from asking God some questions about how to proceed with so much work needing to be done here and the body incapacitated and for who knows how long--noticed a program that involved the paranormal but yet a mystery. However, it was tense and unnerving, and justice was not served in the end. That one did not at all lead this hermit's body, mind, heart or spirit in any upward movement toward God--not even in any way the hermit can usually bring some holy good out of most incidents or situations. But when in the research on why people are drawn to mysteries, the point was made that they can be a simple escape and a type of opiate, that made sense as to the recent inclusion of some of the gentler forms of the mystery, in the hermit's daily life. Yesterday was able to read another homily of Pseudo-Macarius, but the severe pain in upper back vies for mental space, and the result was rather exhausting--yet there is assurance when reading spiritually beneficial material, that the conclusion will always be uplifting even if the mind cannot grasp much content. Any of the content of a solidly spiritual book, and the writings of ascertained holy persons, is going to be an increase in the good. When the body is 22 hours or more in prone position, and trying to manage pain, and praying for guidance, and trying to be quieted to listen to His Real Presence, relief to the suffering is most welcome and helpful. We must latch onto what God provides even if it seems not what would lead us into His Love and upward spiraling. Some aspects might surprise us, and with a little thought and asking, and listening, and a little research (consulting others who have background in various topics), we get answers to something as simple as why does a person enjoy or benefit from a mystery? However, this phase is also temporary for this hermit. Upon waking at 3 a.m. this time, it was the reading of His Living Word that soothed even if the pain is such that the mind cannot cling to the Words themselves. The soul is able to cling to the Word Himself. It feels reassured and good that the mind has read the Word, and there are bits that remain conscious, such as that of being consecrated. Jesus speaks of being consecrated. St. Paul talks of perseverance. More than that, in detail or comprehension, the mind escapes and now is listening to the chirping birds as dawn breaks. God bless His Real Presence in us, and us in Him! Let us love with His love, one another. Praise Him for the healing of our bodies, minds, hearts, and spirits--in all ways that He chooses, for differing situations and in the passing away of this world, our world in the temporal, and for the permanence of existing in His Love for eternity.
