Catholic Hermit: St. Augustine on Faith; on Having Christ Directly

Another glorious day.  

Began with difficulty in trying to read the excerpt from what I think an article, sent by text message from the priest-hermit, but forced my body to get up and hunt for my late grandfather's magnifying glass, passed down to his son, my late dad, and passed down to me.  I love the DNA aspects, plus the reality of the three of us generationally having need of a magnifying glass for our aged eyes!  (My phone will not allow for various photos and sent uploads, to enlarge by the tap-and-spread method.)

I rejoiced in the thoughtfulness in the message being sent me--article seemingly published by a priest, and topic is that of how our small world-views can be shaken by something greater.  Basic but true.  However, as I then turned to this day's Mass scriptures, the Holy Spirit enlivened my mind, heart, and soul in each three readings, especially the Gospel, Mark 4:35-41.

"On that day, as evening drew on, Jesus said to his disciples:  'Let us cross to the other side.'  Leaving the crowd, they took him with them in the boat just as he was.  And other boats were with him.  A violent squall came up and waves were breaking over the boat, so that it was already filling up.  Jesus was in the stern, asleep on a cushion.  They woke him and said to him, 'Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?'  He woke up, rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, 'Quiet!  Be still!'  The wind ceased and there was great calm.  Then he asked them, 'Why are you terrified?  Do you not yet have faith?'  They were filled with great awe and said to one another, 'Who then is this whom even wind and sea obey?'"

Who of us has not absolutely loved this Scripture?  To me, it seemed the Lord Himself was speaking to me, as one of the disciples in the boat who becomes unsettled and as I term it as having, "the heebie-jeebies,"  when my mind and heart feel buffeted and tossed about, in disarray, even when I know myself that the devil is trying to unnerve and shake the inner peace Christ always is offering, lovingly bequeathing His peace to us.

I had texted in response to the priest sending me the portion of article, and I mentioned that my phone does not usually allow enlargement of photos and downloaded articles, but the magnifying glass helped.  I offered my email instead of texting.  (But the next couple of months for him will be filled with contending with medical situations, and then his leaving the area.  We will see how it goes; my focus for him now is to pray for his surgeries and health.)  I assured him that the peace of Christ is in me, although the past 10 days had been as the disciples' boat upon the storm-rent sea.  The Lord is so good to all of us, in providing what we need, when we need it.  

So when I next read a selection from a sermon by St. Augustine on today's Gospel [cited above], I knew the Lord was providing me, unexpectedly, His direct guidance and influence upon my very soul.  The following sounded so deeply within, and given to me with such ease of access and readability, that I knew immediately Jesus chose for me to come upon St. Augustine's words, in the present moment.  Christ is the One who directs us, always, and the holy souls we encounter and who weave in and out, off and on, in our lives, such as the alter Christi and holy, spiritual acquaintances, are themselves Christ's directing us in one of His various means of teaching and guiding.

He chose portions of St. Augustine's Sermon 63, to touch my soul this morning, and to remind me He, Jesus Christ, is directly in charge, is my spiritual savior and teacher, my Lord and my All.  What is so marvelous about our having Christ directly (as He is for each of us), is that He is ever present, ever available, every answering our questions.  We simply must remain in His peace and calm, in order to hear Him, to be aware of His presence, to be alert to what He is teaching us in the various modalities (and those around us) that He utilizes. 

Enjoy Jesus' utilizing His holy, beloved, penitent and convert saint--Augustine--and what Augustine teaches us in his Sermon 63, 1-3.

"With the Lord's grace, I am going to talk to you about today's gospel.   With God's help, I also want to encourage you to not let faith sleep in your hearts in the midst of the storms and swells of this world.  Without any doubt, the Lord Jesus Christ exercised his power over sleep no less than over death, and when he was sailing on the lake, the Almighty could not succumb to sleep if he did not want to do so.  If you think he did not have this power, it is because Christ is asleep in you. If on the contrary, Christ is awake in you, your faith is also awake.  The apostle Paul said:  'May Christ dwell in your hearts through faith' (Eph 3:17).

"So Christ's sleep is the sign of a mystery.  The people in the boat represent the souls that go through the life of this world on the wood of the cross.  Furthermore, the boat is a figure of the Church.  Yes, truly, all the faithful are temples where God dwells, and the heart of each one of them is a boat sailing on the sea.  It cannot go down if the mind maintains good thoughts.  You have been insulted:  it is the wind that is whipping you.  You became angry:  it is the rising tide.  Thus, when the wind is whistling and the tide is rising, the boat is in danger.  Your heart is in danger, it is shaken by the waves.  The insult aroused in you the desire for vengeance.  And you took vengeance, thus giving way to the fault of another, and you were shipwrecked.  Why?  Because Christ went to sleep in you, and that is to say, you forgot Christ.  So awaken Christ, remember Christ, may Christ awaken in you.  Think of Him."

Ah, so beautiful, so appropriate, so directly what I needed to read and absorb.  And while I was shaken by the waves, while I was disparaged and my words twisted, and while I was whipped around by the devil and wondering how to handle situations, thankfully I took no vengeance, for there is none to take.  I did not give way to the fault of another, but I certainly was unsettled and buffeted about, and my focus was not solely on Christ but rather distracted by the winds and the rising tides; the boat was in danger...yet not shipwrecked, not this time.

But there will be other storms, more violent seas.  Yet all the more we must keep Christ awake in our hearts and allow Him to be in us, be for us, guide and teach us, directly.  We must look to him always, not forget Christ is through us, with us, in us...and we also may be, if we stay awake and keep Christ awake in our minds, hearts, and souls--we may be through, with, and in Christ, also.  All of us, awake in Christ and keeping Christ awake in our souls, as we are in His boat, His Church, all of us the Body of Christ, in our ever-present, ever-active, ever-knowing, ever-powerful, ever-merciful, ever-loving:  Christ Jesus!

Confession late afternoon was also glorious.  In the three minutes or less or tiny bit more, I expressed my concerns of sins--letting the devil distract me and whip me around for ten days, off and on, yet all the more turning to Christ.  But it is the in between's--the allowing myself turn my gaze from the Lord, to have His peace bequeathed to me seemingly lost for time periods, such as the disciples in the boat were frightened when the waves threatened to capsize.  Yes:  threatened; the boat was in danger of overturning, but it did not; the disciples awoke Jesus with their cries of concern. Didn't He care they were in danger?  Wasn't He going to do something about it?

My confessor suggested another way of approach, and of my reflecting upon anything that I have inadvertently done to exacerbate the winds and waves.  And he recommended a means of most practical yet highly spiritually powerful offering of the boat and the storm, to God in the sacrifice of the Mass.  Brilliant and effective!  He also said that none of us can avoid the distraction the devil causes, 100% of the time.  Yes, we are human, and we are frail, and we do tend to, in the distractions of temporal life, get caught up in the storms and allow Jesus to be as if asleep in our hearts.

I need physical, human sleep right now.  Today I also was able to get out more of the checker-board,  pink-and-white tile from above a shower-tub insert in the St. John the Baptist bathroom.  I am going to ask my angel and the Holy Spirit, the Virgin Mary, and all the angels and saints, to pray for me, that even while I physically sleep, that I keep Jesus awake in my heart, in my soul, day and night.  

As for my mind and body, while on earth I will know earthly pain; the Lord told me that years ago; and the mind and body are more easily distracted, which--yes, is a form of pain because we take our thoughts and gaze off Jesus.  But our hearts and our souls, he is through, with, and in, and He is wide awake and ready to be for us directly.  We can have Christ directly. 

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Thank you, Jesus, for being in us always, for staying awake in our hearts and souls, for directing us through the seas and the storms, keeping us in the boat, keeping the boat safe and secure--the Body of Christ in Christ's Church.

Catholic Hermit: Enlightenment; Forgiveness

I'm on the second of three days--which will flow (and glow) through today's Feast of Epiphany celebrated in the United States and some other countries, rather than on the actual 12th day after Christmas: Epiphany, January 6.  

Yesterday I waited but managed to stand the 40 minutes (shorter than the norm!) awaiting my turn for Sacramental Reconciliation, or Confession.  I finally was able to verbally mention the hurt I'd caused the friend from childhood, and also any others I have hurt without, of course, intending to.  I mentioned the adult children, and what all and ever they feel offense and hurt, or even some type of anger that their childhoods and into adult lives, they had a pained and suffering single parent, in addition to my many flaws and foibles.

In the 3 minutes or so available (the confession line had grown while we had waited for the 3:30 p.m. confession time to arrive, so the penitents know or will be told that we need to be prepared--a good thing for a parish of over 11,000 members), I mentioned the insight regarding my not needing "friends"--to which the priest immediately said he politely disagreed.  But I said wait--there is an insight I've had--an epiphany--that I'd like you to hear.  

I explained (quickly!) that rather than "friends" and "friendships", what I have and must broaden in scope, is:  loves.  The priest saw the point, the reality of this.  I mentioned if I am given the grace to love, and desire to love to the fourth degree of love which St. Bernard describes, then I will love all souls as beloved created souls of God.  

And I must not expect love in return from people on earth--to which the priest agreed that at best, we are mostly incomplete and what love we might offer is likely partial or broken.  Yes!  But I added that we do not need to be loved by those around us when we realize that God loves us perfectly, and that those souls on the other side who are in God or progression to union with God, in their far greater grasp of love of God in Himself, love us.

Part of my confession pertained to my wrong and selfishness of expecting others to be able to love--to forgive, and to love in return.  And that I can understand now, why this is not for me to expect or even, really, to desire.  God's love is what my mind, heart, and soul truly desires; His love is what we all desire--and God's love is what will fulfill the emptiness.  For I also was able to rapidly mention that morning's Mass Gospel reading of the emptying out of the demons, the bad, the negative--and risk--and here the priest completed the sentence with, "the seven more demons coming in to fill the space."

So he suggested for the next three days, that I pray for the broken relationships--the persons I've hurt or the ones that were best or time to free from personal relationships including myself, for I mentioned that in many cases, others may need to be freed from what negative I represent or am in their lives.  It was all so humbling.  I told him that is excellent penance, as I can put my love of all others--the infinite "loves" I have been given by God's love--to purpose and practice.  

I even mentioned that there is this hermit lady in another state and diocese, who has had difficulty accepting my anonymous blog and has negative--to say the least, but that I have come to feel pity for her, and that I have come to love her,  and will very much have her on the focused prayers of the negatives, the broken, the wounded. (I did not say anything more, not that the person is obsessed and bullying for over 11 years, broke two penal codes in doxxing and slander.  But the priest's reaction was that of open-eyed amazement, then a combination smile of disbelief plus the type of amusement I've come to have in the inane situation. He only exclaimed, while half-laughing at the preposterous irony of it:  REALLY?!!!"  Yes.  And I think this lady hermit will be my buddy for life and all eternity.)

Marvelous how the Holy Spirit can stretch 3-4 minutes to include even my parting request of the priest:  Could he please be thinking of any priest or monk with whom I could speak with on occasion, or write to with questions or to receive feedback as to my spiritual life and hermit vocation....  Immediately he was nodding but also said, "I have one."  I did not grasp the statement, so I continued, "...just some guidance and someone who'd be good with hermit, mystic--but grounded." The priest simply repeated, but more emphatically:  "Already have one!  Have one in mind."

I'd scheduled an appointment awhile ago, which is upcoming in ten days, unless a funeral Mass precludes it; I'm figuring perhaps then, the priest will let me know the person he has in mind and how I may make contact.  

All is well, and all shall be well.  I'm forgiven by God; I've also had an epiphany regarding my "loves", and I'm busy praying in my three-days of focused prayers for quite a list of people known and many unknown, whom I've hurt, disappointed, offended, expected love in return, or have needed to free or be freed from.  I'm praising God for the Epiphany gift!  And the priest in what was no more than four minutes' temporal time, helped me immensely in his counsel regarding the negative relationships that out grow their purpose or good.  But the persons remain loves, of course, and I pray for them--without expecting anything from them.

Of course I've already had a couple tests to the epiphany as well as my knowing it was time to expunge a negative situation and relationship.  The person is in denial and let it be known will not be doing what is morally right.  I researched the illegalities of what has been perpetuated over several years, and I will not interject further nor respond even if asked advice.  I've answered the requests, plus with advice also from a professional advisor.  There may be some other tough freeings to be made; but I yet will always love and consider all souls my "loves."  

Perhaps it was the standing, the driving yesterday, but today have been in bed all day:  pain high and am fatigued from it.  After confession, since in area of the church, I drove to the pharmacy where another prescription was called in by the pain doctor's nurse--a new chemical that is supposed to help with intestinal issue.  I stood in line a long time--lovely conversation with a woman, also waiting--and learned from the pharmacist that this medication is even more costly for half the amount of pills than the previous prescription!  I was drawn to some Evening Primrose Oil on the store shelf; the price was minimal.  When I returned to the hermitage, I Googled this herbal; yes, it is supposed to be helpful to intestinal issues.  Worth a try, isn't it?

A phone call from text from a "loved soul" today.  I had texted back that her husband's Epiphany birthday is quite special and with graces for him.  Later I received a call.  Two questions:  one is what do I mean that Epiphany birthday is special, and what exactly is Epiphany; and also, why is it some people live so long, and suffer for a couple years or more before they die in drawn out deaths of the very elderly.  I was pleased to discuss these questions and topics.  I pray the answers were helpful and of the Holy Spirit's inspiration.  The caller seemed interested, intrigued, and satisfied.  We are all in this life together--in soul school to learn what it is we are to learn, and to love, to learn to love.

It's glorious to be "shriven"!  And the enlightenment on "loves" and God's love for us, and our love of God in Himself and thus in His love, to love all souls--breakthrough for this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: Forgiveness of Sins

I so wish I had the physical stamina to drive to the parish, to stand and wait in line (sitting would be worse pain than standing), and to receive the Sacrament of Reconciliation.  (Confession, in our typical word usage for this holy sacrament.)  I can call and ask for an appointment, but that also requires my stamina to get there; and at some point I will do this.  I must have faith that the Lord will give me the physical strength and pain tolerance.

If I were fully bed-bound, I'm sure the priest would make time out of an incredibly busy schedule, and would come here, probably needing to bring a volunteer with him.  Such are the trials of contemporary times and the terrible residue for the bulk of holy priests, to need protection from any potential claims, accusations, or scandal.

Thus all the more I ponder the hermits over the centuries--those hermits who I admire so much for their living the ideal of hiddenness, of remaining in the silence of solitude as they dedicated their lives to the praise of God and for the salvation of the world.  That they lived out a silent preaching of the Lord Jesus Christ is an added inspiration and joy to contemplate and strive to do likewise even if poorly so.

In the meantime, in the midst of the mostly remaining on the icy pad on the bed, I certainly do a horribly impressive job of sinning--mostly in my attitude and thoughts.  Or, perhaps more I am tempted to the sins in thought and attitude, for by the mercy of God, and those on the other side who are constantly rooting for me to persevere to a natural end of my life here on earth, I do not let the thoughts take root or produce rotten fruit.

I must rely on confession here with God alone, in my comfortable if much larger than what I personally need, hermitage.  Solus Deus is an apt name, and it will remain the name of whatever hermitage if others after this one.  Two decades ago I refinished a 19th century shudder from a house that had been razed in my hometown; In Old English script I painted "Solus Deus" on the shudder and hung it on exterior by the front door.

Although that house, that hermitage, I called "The Anchorage" of which the name was scripted in gilt on the fascia above the front steps to the porch, Solus Deus had become a meaningful phrase of which I've held onto over the intervening years.  I had refurbished that house with each room meaningful in religious ways and intent, and had the idea to develop a Catholic Bed and Breakfast.  But temporal life circumstances and prayerful guidance of the Holy Spirit called me to selling and moving on at a time when my late mother needed my daily attention and presence in a nursing facility.

Upkeep of the gardens and the Lord beckoning me to another parish in nearby city, cinched the relocating.  Of course, a major spiritual assignment regarding a most unhealthy priest, awaited me--of sorrowful memory.  The Lord knows me well; I'd not have gone had I known of what He wanted of me; Jeremiah and Ninevah are my mates in such assignments.  Enough of past meanderings.

Forgiveness of sins and the desire for sacramental confession, are the present moment considerations.  I've written some of this aspect previously.  That is, forgiveness is of and from God, even though we humans are instructed by Christ to forgive others.  We are to forgive those we love; and we are to forgive those we struggle to love, and especially, we are to forgive those who do not love us who come under this most-sad category:  our enemies.

At some phases of my life past, I (and many others have made this distinction, as well) recognized that there is a thin line we can grasp, and that is the situation in which people do not apologize, say they are sorry, have any noticeable remorse, continue to sin, nor ask God or us for forgiveness.  We also can hang on to the emotional aspect or "out" that while we might forgive someone their sins and wrong doings, we can continue to not forget.

Now, we might tell ourselves that what others have done are so terrible that it is not possible to forget, and thus we give ourselves permission to remove ourselves from them physically or more so, we distance ourselves, self-protectively, from them mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually.  While we tell ourselves--and others will give us prompt if not eager permission to do so, as well--that we can forgive but not forget, is this what God does with us?

Does God forgive us but not forget, and in not forgetting does he distance or remove Himself in any form or fashion?  Does God say that while He forgives us, He cannot forget and thus cannot trust us, and thus not continue any type of relationship other than a memory of the wrong or hurt we did Him or others?  Or does He comment that He will pray for us--but in the sense of essentially meaning we need His prayers because we aren't to be trusted or our sins, in fact, unforgettable?

I know God does not forgive with caveats.  He forgives, and He forgets.  He promises and provides a fresh slate, a new beginning, and continues His relationship with us fully, in all aspects of love and friendship with us in our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual beings.

And I realize He expects the same of us...or at least of me.  I think of all of us, but I will keep this examination and example to my own temporal and spiritual example of my experiential existence.

This examination of forgiveness is sifting down to, focusing in on: hope in God, faith in God, and love in God in Himself and as He loves me and all others.

I am to learn to love as God loves and to forgive as God forgives.  Love is amalgamated (as I've discovered already--love is intertwined with pain), also, with forgiveness.  And part of forgiveness is actually, to forget the sins, the wrong doings.

Yes we can honestly submit that forgetting the wrongs of others or of ourselves (this latter a crucial consideration, as well) is quite difficult.  It is so hard to forget especially the most painful of wrongs done to us or what we have done to others.  We even say we can forgive but cannot forget what others have done.  We can tell ourselves it is best to not forget what others have done, or what we ourselves have done, because we need to remember so as to not trust those who might sin again, hurt again.  Or in the case of ourselves not forgetting our own past sins, we tell ourselves that we need to remember so that we will not repeat the offense.

But God not only forgives but also forgets our sins--and to a perfect point of never ceasing in His loving acceptance of and on-going relationship with our repentant souls.

And while it is difficult for us humans to know or not know if someone who has hurt us is truly repentant, that is ultimately for God to judge and to know with certainty or not.  We will know by our own and others' "fruit", it said in Scripture, if they or we are Christians.  But to not forget what others or ourselves have done wrong, after we have repented and received God's forgiveness--if not the other person's forgiveness--is to deny God's hope, faith, and love to be in us and to be our offering to others.

Not forgetting others' or our own sins and wrong doings is to hold a grudge.  (A grudge is a resentment or ill feeling in the will that persists from a past sin, insult, or injury.)  To hold onto these feelings and remembrances of past wrongs and sins keeps us from true freedom in our own ability to grow in hope, faith, and love of God, others, and self.

Forgiving and forgetting is necessary for healing and four our own temporal health and for our holy, spiritual progression. Forgetting is as possible as is hope, faith, and love.  We have bought into that psychology-rendered, oft-repeated as if to make condoned truth--the notion that we can forgive but it is all right to not forget.

God forgives and forgets, and we if followers of Christ are to go and do likewise.

Furthermore, we are also "told" by others and ourselves in the world, that forgetting is very difficult if not impossible, and even that it there is a good in remembering, in not forgetting the bad, the sins, the wrongs against us or of which we have done ourselves.

These notions are not God's; they are not how the Holy Trinity does to us, not what Jesus teaches, not what Jesus and the saints express and purport of the importance of living in the present moment.  To not forgive and to not forget, keeps us in the past.

We can tell ourselves that if we do not remember our sins or the sins of others, we will more likely repeat our errors or will be wounded again and again.  The greater faith we have in the Holy Trinity, in God, in Jesus, in the Holy Spirit--the Three in One Who guides and counsels us and provides all for our nothingess, our holy Mother Mary in maternal protection and love, our guardian angels ever with us in this life--the more we will live a life of increasing holiness.  The more faith, hope, and love of God, the greater will be our assurance of holiness over sin, God's mercy over woundedness.  The more we are in God, our tendency or temptation to cling to others' and our own sins and resultant wounds no longer exists.

Forgiving and forgetting can seem most difficult--but in that it requires us to overcome ourselves and set aside our wounded selves--valid wounds, serious wounds.  This can seem difficult, or to take much time to come to that point in which we can forgive others, and even more difficult and take longer to forget what wounded us and to forget even the scars of the wounds.  But it is possible in God, for the asking.  Perhaps what points out in ourselves if we have difficulty forgiving or especially difficulty in forgetting the wrongs done us or ourselves, is that we lack strength in: hope in God, faith in God, and  love of God.

We also, in overcoming ourselves, must accept that we cannot overcome others' selves.  We cannot expect others to forgive us, nor to also forget our sins, nor to want to remain in relationship or to progress onward with us in our temporal lives.  We cannot expect others to be in the same degree of understanding or of hope, faith, and love of God.  We cannot expect to dictate, judge, or control others' timing, or their desire or effort, or not, to forgive and forget.  All we can do is pray without projecting onto others other than to desire God's love and providence in their lives always; and of ourselves, we pray for our conversions and deeper conversions in and of the Holy Trinity.

The remedy is to pray for God to increase our hope in Him, our faith in Him, and for an increase in our love of God in Himself and to be able to love as God loves.  We ask God for more grace in these theological virtues, and to believe that we will be given what we ask, for this is God's will--that we live through, with, and in His hope, faith, and love now and for all eternity.  We praise God with confidence that all we ask is of His will and providence, and indeed He will grant us all He good.

[On a personal note, I can only try these considerations and prayerful requests, of myself, on myself, in myself.  At one point in my life I had committed a particularly terrible sin--knowingly wrong but so horribly deceived by the devil.  And even after the deception, I knew all the more how terrible and so wanted out of the sin's grip, and I'd beg God to give me strength to remove myself from it's grip.  But God had me suffer along in it--a sin that even Padre Pio had in a dream forewarned me in that He warned me of the "tricks of the devil" to come.  It was only until the Lord determined the timing He willed, to infuse me with strength to remove myself from the sin's grip, was I able to extricate myself.

[I have remembered that time period and of that sin, and of not having any more visits in dream, vision, or locution from Padre Pio in the ensuing many years.  I wonder if, in part, his cessation of mystical contact with me has to do with myself not forgetting the sin, not maybe fully forgiving myself as God forgave me.  I so miss the consolation of Padre Pio's sensed friendship.  Yet I have considered that I did not deserve his friendship for having ignored his warning; I always felt I so deeply disappointed Padre Pio as cause him to give up on me.  Of course, this is not at all how God is, nor how Padre Pio would be in heaven, either.  I will ponder praising God in all matters, and take St. Pio's written advice regarding confessed sins and repentance, and of praise due God, and if tears--tears of love of God for His mercy--only and always.]

The following expresses what St. Pio of Pietralcina--Padre Pio--wrote regarding confession, forgiveness, repentance, and faith in God's mercy upon us and others.

"Hope in God's everlasting mercy supports us in the tumult of passions and the flood of annoyances; it is with this confidence that we hasten to the sacrament of penance where the Lord is always there, waiting for us as a Father of mercy.  In front of Him, of course, we are well aware of not deserving His forgiveness; but we may have no doubts as to His unlimited mercy.  So let us forget our sins, as God has done with us, a long time before us.

"And we must not return, in thought or in confession, to sins already confessed in previous confessions.  Because of our sincere repentance, God has already forgiven us once and for all.  To want to go back over sins already pardoned only to be absolved from them again because we doubt we doubt whether they have been really and truly forgiven, isn't this a lack of faith in God's goodness? 

"If it gives you comfort, you may think over the offenses you committed against God's justice, His wisdom, His mercy, but only to shed tears of repentance and love."

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: A Hermit's Confession

This old consecrated Catholic hermit used to go to confession frequently--when able to be at daily Mass and weekend Masses.  What a marvelous Sacrament!  Such clearing out, clarity, forgiveness, resolve to make amends, and strength poured--in graces from the Lord!

Increased disability, weariness, and distance to drive (driving and worsening spine are not buddies right now) plus previous location being quite a long distance to a parish--well, now I can avail myself of the Sacrament of Reconciliation more often.  That is what I did this past Saturday: headed to the confessional at the nearest parish where I'm registered (and where I remain anonymous in my vocation).

Such a joy to see so many lined up even as I arrive forty minutes before the priest is scheduled to arrive.  All the better to silence oneself while waiting, the Blessed Sacrament in the Tabernacle; all is quiet and stilled.  The Lord is listening, the Holy Spirit helping the mind sort through all the more in a hoped-for, honest, succinct confession.  Out of charity to those waiting in line, it is best to be ready.

Of course, the Lord knows all the thoughts, the memories of wrongs, the struggles with them over time--if not sins of the type that are black-or-white sins of immorality, for example, of the flesh, or such as breaking a commandment in obvious way or example.  Thus, the Lord knew my confession in great detail as it had been flailing about in me for awhile; my own efforts attempting to change my flaws--sins, offenses against God and thus others in the Body of Christ--not quite cutting it.

Yes, the power of the Sacrament can break through, can give the added strength--or so it sure seems to me, time and again.  Still there is a willful effort  and desire needed to cooperate with the grace God bestows in the Sacrament of Reconciliation.

I briefly shared my sin, my issue of failing in fulfilling God's will, His will for what I'm to be doing for Him, and my failure in suffering well as a victim soul, also.  My resolve is weak--slipshod, falling away it does seem to me, in various parts of my vocation and the ancillary aspects included.  I've been "a jerk" to God, again it seems; and I have factual evidence in what some might consider minor: choices I make as to how to distract from pain.  It goes deeper than that, of course.  Do I choose what and how my Spouse prefers me to distract from pain?  Is the distraction in a way that yet is resting in the suffering--hanging with Jesus on the Cross--or it is more a distraction that is basically fleeing, in my mind, from Him--and His suffering, also?

The priest spoke of St. Julian of Norwich's understanding of the linkage of love with suffering.  Yes.  But still I've been a jerk, my attitude lousy, and practically with an in-Your-Face rebellion, or so it seems to me.  I'm guilty!  Mea culpa!  But the priest persisted, and he decided then and there to anoint with the Chrism oils.  So I received also the Sacrament of the Sick.

How astute of the priest! Yes, indeed I was sorely in need of this Sacrament's graces, as well.  Perhaps the anointing took priority just then, than how much I also needed to confess my sins and receive God's forgiveness in the Reconciliation Sacrament of the Church.

Since then I've not made massive headway in knocking off what I've come to term "drivel distractions", but there is some headway made, daily.  I'm a;sp making progress in renewing passion for and understanding in deeper ways, the flow of a maturing vocation such as the eremite (hermit) in the consecrated life of the Church.  And in order to grasp the flow and the sense of what is lacking or goes maybe seemingly stale over the years, the awareness has come to me through being privy to three friends' correspondence which are giving me insights into their married vocations.

The analogy of their marriages after many years passing, is increasingly pronounced in that their marriages show me what may be transpiring in my vocation as a type or form of marriage to Christ and His Church, within the hermit vows and profession of the three evangelical counsels.  We all are going through phases, growing in our vocations as we live through the years.  We must flow with the marriages, so to speak, grow with our significant others--and for me this is the Church and Christ Himself; and we must experience maturation and deeper conversion--yet with increasing determination in vibrancy of mature, more profound, forms and degrees of love.

I'd like to continue this topic in another post.  The revelation of similarities in my current phase of vocation and why I was privy to as an observer to what are frustrating and sad plights of marriages--has come to me in ways that I can only attribute to the Holy Spirit.  He has kindly responded to my pleas for help in what I confessed I felt lacking in my own love relationship with my Spouse.  What better way to show me my lacking than to demonstrate by what can occur in marriages over time?  

It is painful to see what has devolved from what once was zeal and love in marriages of those I have known for years and love dearly.  I can relate with the pain I am feeling of knowing that the hardships of surviving some temporal life situations that can befall a hermit as well as anyone--has wearied my zeal, depleted my discipline, and perhaps caused me to take my vows to my Spouse and His Church, for granted.

This hermit might be back in the confessional before long.  Often there can be more sin gurgle to the surface once God's grace enters in, and the more so when a soul has great desire to have the eyes opened, the scales removed.  This eye-opening of the mind, heart, and soul frequently is accomplished by means of temporal example in the lives and situations around us if we cannot at first see matters in ourselves.  

If we learn to recognize that there is a message (or several) for ourselves in what we are shown or come to see in others' struggles or simply their relationships and experiences--then all the more God can work His power in us to teach, guide, and heal our flaws.  We can continue on in our earthly progression, in our vocations, in our spiritual missions willed for us by His Real Presence.

Yes, God bless His Real Presence in us!

Christ Is Risen! And He Lifts Us with Him!

This nothing consecrated Catholic hermit does not want to leave off with any self-motives or impressions that this Holy Week or this most glorious day of Easter is anything less than monumentally invaluable or lacking in serious propensity.

Today is one of true rejoicing.  Jesus has risen from the dead, is free from the earthly persecutions to his Word made Flesh, God made Man, physical time span on earth. He has salvaged our souls from the ongoing sins we commit even when we do not want to sin even in the slightest of offenses.

Jesus restores our hope in heaven and the reality that death is not the end but the beginning of eternal life and union with God.

There is something peaceful and joyful going on within this hermit, though.  And it has to do with realizing how content and delighted is my soul.  In a deep and profound way, I sense Jesus here with me and me with Jesus--right here, in this hermitage, day and night, moment by moment.  My moniker as the Joyful Hermit, previously a bit tongue in cheek at times, is now more hitting the mark.

Praise be to God!  And the circumstances are not what I'd have expected, for in some observational modes one might think that a hermit ought be more austere, more serious, more intense, more studious, more penitential, more whatever else.  I used to be, for sure.  Perhaps it was what I thought I should be or a necessary phase, a rite of passage, maybe?

Yet now, amidst even more serious intensity of the world about and the dire and serious prayer requests coming in daily, there is a calm assurance and balancing of the harsh realities of human suffering and strife.  There is a balancing with and from the peaceful and joyous faith in Christ that His Word is Truth, Beauty, Goodness, that He is Light and Salvation, the Way, the Life.

I rather suspect I am going to enjoy the upcoming readings from the Acts of the Apostles and from John, more than ever imagined in my life to date.

As St. Julian of Norwich discovered in her aha moments of personal spiritual revelation from God:  All shall be well and all is well.

On this most Blessed Easter, this hermit prayerfully and rejoicingly wishes all readers and their families and friends a most glorious day in the Lord, in the Body of Christ, in life and in resurrection.
May Divine Union be yours, and eternity in heaven the ever-hoped-for reward!

God bless His Real Presence in us!

____________________________

Ah, a side note.  The little cell phone just rang its harp music ring tone.  My cousin far away with her husband and adult children and a granddaughter there were singing in the background a hale and hearty "Happy Birthday"song.

"Is it your birthday today?" my cousin asked when the happy choristers had concluded.

"No, but perhaps I will not live to my birthday so it is a good thing to be sung to in the present moment.  After all, we do not know the day or the hour," I quipped.  We had some chuckles, and rang off with my love to all assembled there celebrating Easter.

Now I will rise and celebrate by being up high on a ladder, continuing the mudding of a 17' drywall-wrapped beam.  It evokes the aspect of rising, of resurrection, and then a teen is coming this afternoon--on Easter!  He is coming to this tomb of a hermitage to assist for a few hours as a kind of service gift.  My daughter's friend responded to her plea for any teens wanting to help, and this young Presbyterian man is the friend's son.

Of course, he will be given renumeration for his kindly help in lifting up an old hermit with help in lifting cabinets and countertops off the truck and into pole barn.
I was quite surprised he would choose Easter Sunday afternoon to come, but then again, Jesus arranges circumstances in ways we'd not expect--just as the odd turn of confession on Holy Thursday with the priest needing more to divulge and share than the penitent.

Catholic Hermit (and All of Us) Await Resurrection!

Holy Saturday!  Tomorrow is Easter Resurrection!  I'm reminding as many spiritual friends who contact this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit, no matter their message, that we will find great joy and relief tomorrow--after what has been a typically grueling, glorious Lent!

A young woman has worked her way through undergraduate college and then for several years slowly plugging her way through a Master's Degree in Psychological Counseling.  This semester she has but one class, but, oh--what a class!  There is a clash with the professor of some sort.  He speaks in erudite tones, and she is finding him difficult to understand.  The concepts he presents get lost in the frozen zone of her mind that clutches when the professor opens his mouth.

Yes, it is a psychological type of block, but nonetheless, she must pass this course for she only has enough money to pay for the three remaining.  I think she's been working toward this degree for four or more years now.  It is not easy when having to work odd jobs, part-time, live with an uncle in a spare room, upkeep an old car to get to work and the university.  But she is doing it!  She will, despite recent diagnosis of sleep apnea, as well.  Lent!

But Easter Resurrection is to come, and the thought of Jesus rising from the temporal toils and tares, the persecutions and all else that He endured--all for our salvation, for His Father-bestowed mission--it all raises our hopes, for sure!  Jubilation is around the temporal-time corner!  

I confessed sacramentally on Holy Thursday morning. It was the most odd and peculiar confession situation ever in my nearly 22 years of being a Catholic.  I won't go into it, but I'm thankful for the ability to listen and encourage another who needed to and wanted to discuss his group therapy and process toward better health.  It was fascinating even if strange since I'd not been to the parish for nearly seven months. Yet, the Lord places us where He wills and as often as not--not for the reasons or purposes we thought or planned.

I have an entirely new segment of people with weight and other problems to pray for and have great empathy and respect for the crosses they bear--no matter the reasons that landed them in rather extreme circumstances.

I know about landing in extreme circumstances, myself.  Landed next door to a mentally ill woman and her dysfunctional husband and adult sons.  Had to get out when my protective order was coming to an end; and then ended up here--in this fixer upper!

Good Friday was truly good this year.  There were three particular prayer concerns on my mind.  Each involve life or death situations.  The one has to do with potentially a new life being formed in a womb; the other has to do with a single mother diagnosed with cancer and facing surgery, chemo, and radiation.  The third deals with an older woman whose esophagus is riddled with ulcers and whose remaining sighted eye is clouded by a cataract; eye surgery is risky on this one eye remaining with any vision possible.

I could not focus much on the Crucifixion of Jesus yesterday.  This year it has all been so vivid, so real, so intense.  I suppose I should be ashamed that I had to explain to His Real Presence that it was just too much to bear--my mind and emotions could not take it all in this time.  Sorry!  And perhaps with that, somehow I recognized all the more the details and depths to which Jesus lived and died--the betrayal, the rejection, the ridicule, the shame, the cruelty and abuse--and then to calmly resign Himself to the Will of the Father after a night of intense prayer and bloody tears prior to His crucifixion.

I worked on caulking around the ceiling line between trim and walls; I painted a first color coat on a room I'd been mudding and sanding--preparing for smooth and sleek, clean and fresh.  The color is a combination of two paints; I like to experiment as well as use up what I have.  The final result is that of the Body of Christ color--a Host, His Sacred Flesh.

Then I took some time out to watch a humorous but theme-laden YouTube video!  Of all things!  I recalled the years of sorrowful mourning, of watching the Passion of Christ film and in ensuing years the DVD.  Or of spending the night in a chapel in prayer, or other devotions and sacrifices.  But this year, the mourning and sorrows are already here, traipsing alongside Jesus with His Cross and then Simon of Cyrene when he assists Christ with the load.

Yes, I had to balance the intensity of Good Friday with distraction of the temporal lives of human beings, portrayed in film, revealing their broken hearts yet ability to overcome with love, and to then help others.  The film was British and dealt with a woman whose husband had bullied her.  He passed suddenly, and she was freed from abuse.  Yet her son took advantage of her financially and committed her to a nursing home of which she was too young and vibrant to belong.  While there, she helped the others break free, for they were being mistreated, over-medicated, and drained of their finances.

Such a theme was brightened by comedic situations mixed with genuine, thoughtful love.

Well, it was quite a different Good Friday than I've spent in decades.  I was reminded of childhood and of the anticipated joy yet the noon hour slowly moving toward the hour of Jesus' death.  I loved it when we'd have a thunderstorm around 3 p.m.; seemed to be a sign and gift from God to remember the day centuries before when Jesus took our awful sins upon Himself, died, was buried, descended into hell an then rose on the third day--resurrected and alive!

Yesterday it was like that again, the same sense of anticipation, the getting through those three hours by not becoming morosely intense or putting on more sorrow than what is naturally and genuinely given by God--not more than we can bear.  And there was the joy and relief later in the day, and the reality of human beings overcoming hardships and mistreatment, abuse, persecution, through love and the courage God gives us to try to make a difference, to serve others, to right what wrongs we can.  And all in love--the love of God, the mercy and compassion of Christ, the spiritual flame of love of the Holy Spirit.

Today is one of reflecting a bit, then waiting, and in temporal time, receiving a Triduum gift!  It is serendipitous!  Someone had posted lovely, solid cherry upper cabinets and gray Corian countertops--free!  Somehow, I happened to be the first to respond, which surprised me, as people lined up online behind if I did not follow through.  Precious Blood (my used truck) and I drove to the place where a young couple was renovating their lovely home, and they kindly loaded my truck with also some base cabinets they happened to have that match.

I have marvelous plans for these cabinets.  Not in the hermitage, but in the pole barn, as I want to frame in two windows I have from the hermitage renovation--repurpose the windows and make the pole barn a studio.  Yes, someone will so enjoy the property.  

All is coming into place beautifully, although working on a 17' beam is providing quite the challenge where one side is wrapped with drywall and that goes across the base of beam and transitions to wood ceilings.  The beam or the ceiling--whichever--do not butt up evenly in a couple places.  I've been chiseling and beveling drywall, for pity's sake.  I'll see what happens with mudding.

A couple more rather serious prayer intentions came via text message.  I'm aware, even when doing a section of grass mowing, that this dwelling and property are woven thickly, through and through, with prayers!  Hours and days and weeks of prayers and sufferings are in the construction, from the framework to the final coats of paint, outside and inside.  

Prayers are in the gardens and grass; prayers are in the pole barn--up on the roof where a year ago I fell and slid--but not off, thanks be to God!  Prayers are in the crawlspace insulation and plumbed pipes; prayers are in the attic spaces and wall spaces and roofing and mulching and every nail and screw driven.

Well, this is how it is, and should be, for a hermit in a hermitage.  Yet, besides the most strange confession--not at all expecting how it transpired yet am chuckling about it and see the point Jesus was making--I wonder at this unusual Triduum.  I'm thankfully able to let it flow without forcing or trying to live up to any expectations of how I ought to do or be or feel or think.

Somehow it is one of the most meaningful Triduum's yet.  I did look up how to pronounce Triduum, and yes, I've been saying it incorrectly for years.  Tri'-jewem was what it sounds like, with the "i" being soft.. I'd been mentally pronouncing: Tri-dew-um with the "i" being long.  Always fun to learn something new or find correction and be delighted.

I wonder if purgatory is kind of like an on-going Lent?  Mercy, I hope not in a human way, but there is nothing quite like Lent to teach us what God wants us to learn.  Not easy, not meant to be, yet always excellent and better than we could ever figure out for ourselves what our souls need to learn most or in what ways best to learn it.

Easter Resurrection--within hours!

God bless His Real Presence in us!  So grateful, always!

Catholic Hermit: Toiling's Reward

Saturday last brought yet another trip to civilization to a walk-in clinic since I'd not had success getting an appointment during the week.  The large medical conglomerates leave much to be desired in efficiency and just pricing.  However, at least this time I was put on steroids to try to get the sinus and lung crud cleared more, and a lung x-ray showed no pneumonia.

Into week six of nearly the bulk of Lent this year, and still not well physically.  However, the Lord has allowed enough improvement after two antibiotics and the steroids so that I get a bit of manual labor accomplished each day--mostly drywall mudding and a bit of painting.  Even the wet drywall mud seems to aggravate the sinuses and lungs, so this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit wears a protective mask more often than not when working.  And, I should probably try wearing a mask in the hermitage as someone suggested the situation may have become a chronic reaction to environment.

Regardless, I remind myself it is yet LENT!  Holy Week increases in intensity toward Good Friday's crucifixion of Jesus Christ.  Then there is darkness and waiting for the Easter morning Resurrection surprise!  I confide that this week, reading the Gospels of daily Mass have been most difficult to endure.  I've never had this problem in years prior or during other liturgical seasons in which these readings present themselves.

But this year, this Lent, somehow I cannot bear reading through word-for-word, slowly, and cannot seem to take them all in.  The reality of what Jesus endured, this year, hits me in ways I cannot describe other than, perhaps, grievously.  Yes, I think of the promise of Christ and His sacrifice that secures our salvation.  I consider St. Augustine's apt appraisal:  "O, happy fault"--the Crucifixion and the resurrection, from bitter to sweet, from our sins to His glory and our salvation as a result.

I skim and scan the Gospels this week.  I return to them off and on in the day, or I think of them in generalized cognition.  By later in life, if we've lived and learned through years of Lents and otherwise read Scriptures throughout the years, these Gospels begin to live within us in familiarity.  Yet they do not become comfortable; they are not meant to be like cozy slippers or a soft comforter.

We continue to learn, react, and grow in faith, hope and love, in following Jesus all the more and increasingly so the more painful to ponder His journey in life and through His death.  Then on Easter begins the transformational fathoming of His Resurrection and all that follows--our Christian beings delving deeper and following the more dearly, over time that God creates for us.

Well, I've been trying to continue with the manual labor.  Most of the time I can distract myself and be in meditative mode with dry-wall mudding or wall painting, and the mind and heart and even bodily pain can float far away from the temporal while working.  

When in increased physical pain, such as this morning, I face the temptation to be a bit discouraged as one could easily open the eyes to temporal reality and see all that remains to be accomplished.  The sinus and lung crud make the efforts loom the larger and more difficult.  Yet, the grace to not lean into discouragement flows immediately, and the mind is told to focus on a tray of drywall mud and let the rest unfold from there.

Various thoughts come when one engages in manual labor, or I suppose any type of labor or activity which we are in various ways required to attempt. It could be due to a job responsibility in order to provide for one's family, or such as with a hermit, to balance the daily life with productive physical work for a bit of income or upkeep of the hermitage, or in working while praying as yet another modality of living and communing with God in the silence of solitude and in praise of His Real Presence.

The following excerpt from Isaiah--I believe was yesterday's first reading of Mass--hit home my heart.  How many times have I thought the very thought, that I had toiled in vain or am doing so with this hermitage effort, tangible, and for what good or gain of my soul or the souls of others?  Have I spent my health and strength uselessly, perhaps ruining my health, hastening death (which can be a benefit, to be sure, for life can become long and hard; and heaven is a promised joy)?

But the Lord told Isaiah how it is, and that we toil not in vain when all is for God.  All is with God.  He is our All, our Love, our Alpha and Omega.

"Though I thought I had toiled in vain,
and for nothing, uselessly, spent my strength,
Yet my reward is with the LORD,
my recompense is with my God."

I finally did hear back regarding my phone call and request with the parish priest for an appointment for confession.  I also have entertained the thought of attempting to return to Mass--now when my sinus and lung ailment is more improved, of course.  Yet I will have my soul "shriven" in the sacrament of reconciliation on Holy Thursday morning.

Somehow, in the past couple of weeks, my vocation of suffering has been brought once again to the fore in reminders.  A letter from my spiritual father spelled out the reminder in his no-nonsense manner.  A dream also reminded me that my work in and for the Lord in regards to suffering is in reparation for and with Holy Mother Church.

Then, too, I have been reminded in mind and heart and from the soul, of the mystical marriage five years ago and that Jesus showed me parishioners and priests.  He clearly stated that they would criticize and judge me, but I was to pay no attention to them!

Yet, I had. I had paid attention and let the negativity and persecution, the shunning and gossip, get to me.  Truly, if I am to put faith into the Lord and to what is shown me in inner sight, spoken to me, as well, then I must try to do as He said.  It is all a process, of course--our learning to trust and to discern, and to put ourselves to the test of courage and faith, to trust the unseen and intangible.  

So I will take the next step and try.  The worst that can happen is that I lack the stamina yet, or the selflessness, or the ability to pay no attention.  Then, of course, there will be another time to try again, either in this world or the next.  It is all progression--life, death, resurrection--a metamorphosis in winging our way with Christ to union with Him for all eternity.

Catholic Hermit: Shift Escaping to Seeking

Prior to confession, prior to Mass, this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit was praying over the failings and sins as of late.  Thoughts of escaping hovered; but then the Lord entered in with His Thoughts.  Change the perspective!  Escaping instead can be perceived and realized as seeking!

Something of the slogged wastes of energy and time, of suffering not so well, of insular thoughts, of much expended regarding notions and desires to escape.   Escape suffering, escape the mess of surroundings, escape the work load, escape, escape vocation upgrades, escape deeper conversion.  But the priest was excellent in praying and suggestions, and during Mass, more answers came.

Seek the Lord in all that is humble.  You will find Him in humility, lowliness, in the least of all.  Seek and ye shall find...Him in the midst of hardships, suffering, ordinariness, commonplace, the humble of and in everything and everyone.

Jesus meek and humble of heart.  Make my heart like unto Thine.

So, I am refreshed and renewed from the healing and miraculous "waters" of Mass.  The sense of escaping has given way to seeking.  The effort of seeking has given way to the hope and faith and blessed assurance in finding.  And I will find Him in all that is humble.

And I must be humble, for a vocational habit and downfall for hermits is that of becoming insular and self-inundated, of not remembering that distinction of the corporal and spiritual works of mercy that can be offered in prayer but also in the few physical encounters with people...and through the more frequent written communications.  In prayer, though, resides a bulk of gifting and loving others.

Prior to Mass three parishioners were sharing that one was trying to find out who is St. Gerard.  I was right behind them, and I could not help but easily hear their query.  So I smiled and answered.  After Mass, after thanking the priest for his gifting the parish with spiritual uplift and direction, the woman who was seeking to find out who is St. Gerard came up and said, "This is the only person in the parish who we could find to tell us who is St. Gerard."  

Well, I am sure there were others in the parish who would know, but she spoke with what I sensed the purpose of trying to make conversation, of opening the bridge of communication since during Mass, per usual, I was in the mystical state--slumped, I suppose is how it must seem.  But people are adapting nicely. Much surely depends on a priest who is inspiring with loving kindness.  Leaders set the tone, after all.

I truly thanked the woman for bringing up St. Gerard, for I so needed the reminder to simply enjoy the fun of these real people who lived, suffered, were persecuted or whatever but had gifts that they shared with others and even now are around to help us.  It is fun to consider them, and I'd forgotten a lot of the fun aspects of the Church.

She shared about a friend who had given her the St. Gerard momento--her friend suffering from cancer.  Now, here is someone for which to pray, and the woman had mentioned she and others had a little rummage sale to make money to gift the woman for use with medical bills or whatever.  I have become so used to few opportunities with people on the spur of the moment like that!  But if I see the woman next week, I will donate for her ill friend some of the generosity given me from the roadside table contributions.  Regardless, I can pray for both women and all suffering cancer.

And thinking of St. Gerard Majella reminds me to ask his help as a favor for a woman and her husband hoping to conceive against some medical odds not in their favor.

Shifting away from thoughts of escaping and efforts of distracting myself as a form of escaping, I now know that a different perspective on escape is more aptly expressed as "seeking."  And seeking Jesus in all that is humble helps me accept that my living conditions are humble; my health is humbling; my pathetic attempts when the perspective escaping is humbling if not humiliating as well.  (There is something good in the humble circumstances of seeing ourselves in the positive light of justly-placed humiliation.)

What is the rush on finishing that which my body, mind, heart, and spirit must humbly accept as major work load for someone with chronic pain, lung and liver nodules and cysts, sinus problems, and old age creeping in?  The process will progress in the balance of seeking Him in all humility and finding Him in all that is humble.

Mercy, how self-preoccupied this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit had become.  It crept in with the shift in weather, and then some....  Praise His Real Presence for the visions of fruit during Mass and the refreshing miracles of each Sacrament in the Sacrifice of the Mass.  No escaping; instead it is seeking...Him wherever humility exists and humble is found.

Catholic Hermit, Severe Suffering, Confession

The severe spinal headache continues, off and on and mostly on.

There are life factors involved; the temporal and tangible does affect our bodies, our health.  We must try to cope as best we can when there is tremendous suffering.  Medication does not always work well, and then what?

For such times, when it seems desperate times require desperate measures, when it seems we can no longer pray, we simple "be."

Take whatever pain medications we are blessed to be given, try to continue on with whatever way we might distract ourselves from the intractable pain, and also consider that other aspects affecting our emotions--wounds to the heart--also can contribute.

In that, we remember that Jesus can heal all wounds.  Ask Him to do so.  Ask for strength, for fortitude.  Try to maintain the outer even if the inner is in total chaos and seems near to hopelessness.

Yes, it is quite difficult to take in much rejection, to face disappointments with those who say or do without realizing the effect it has on others.  We can quietly work through these issues, doing our best to seek justice, but also there is the aspect that we ourselves have possibly said or done what has created others to react.  We may not even know exactly; or it could be that our very lives somehow become (or at some point in the past became) too much for others to be able to cope with.

Then, of course, if consecrated to God, if Jesus has consecrated our hearts, we must factor in that this means our lives are not going to be lived via a more typical course.  The wounds are going to come and be felt, and we must let go of the struggle to try to self-correct the course, to try to veer onto some "normal" path--akin to those paths in lives we see around us.

For a consecrated hermit, this is particularly true.  And for a soul whose heart has been wounded by, has been consecrated by Jesus Himself, years ago, the reality of that supernatural experience that had physical and temporal "signs" with it, is well to remember.  It is an experience that is best to be held and turned and viewed in its various facets.

The reality, then, becomes that of "What can you expect?"  Of course there will be tremendous suffering to the point that the heart seems on the verge of breaking.  The physical pain will also throb, and one can wonder at such pain in the head--and then recall another time, perhaps, in which the Lord emphasized to "Think with the heart!"  It helps to make sense of the reality that the head is in such suffering, that it cannot think that well; the heart must think for it.

The world sometimes can present such challenges and obstacles that are so very painful in all their emotional and mental details.  And others can make such hardships and even create obstacles or rules all the more painful when one begs for leniency on some rule or other.  This may be the case, such as in a business entity in the secular world, that it becomes a temptation to do whatever, to say whatever, to simply have justice in some temporal aspect.

One thinks of Jesus and the guys, walking through a field of wheat on the Sabbath.  Hungry, tired (and tired of extreme rules of what one cannot "do" on the Sabbath), they pluck some heads of grain to eat.  Yet they do not involve others in any deception.  They do not fight evil with evil.  It is not evil to eat.  Do we need to fast when the bridegroom is present to us?  He says not.

What does a consecrated hermit, authentically living the life as God's hermit, do when a sin has been committed?  Even in desperation, even if the outcome is just, even if some person in some position in the "world" has caused a wrong, even if in need and something is terribly wrong with a policy and an exception ought to be made for justice's sake, what if an untruth is part of the means to obtain justice in the outcome?

To whom does a hermit turn to confess a sin committed?  If authentically living as a consecrated hermit, a religious eremite, existing in the silence of solitude--to whom is confession and contrition for a sin made?

We make confession to Jesus, to the Bridegroom, here in our presence, here in our cell.  The Lord already knows.  He knows the obstructions, the unyielding and unjustifiable rule that someone in the world made even more severe out of a certain pleasure of power.  The Lord knows the injustice of it, and the desperation and all aspects of the wounded heart and crown-of-thorns head that help derange the mind enough to consider and yield to fighting an evil with another evil.

But, for a consecrated soul, for one whose heart has been consecrated by Christ to Christ, that way of fighting for justice does not settle well.  What has it come to, to do a wrong against a wrong to achieve justice?  Of course, it is a rather minor thing in actuality, and the world is filled with far worse.  Yet a soul consecrated by Jesus Himself, years ago, will go to the Lord in the quiet and solitude of its cell, and will confess and ask for mercy.  

The Lord will determine the judgment, minor as it may be in some ways yet major to a conscientious soul and definitely wrong in the ways of the world's rules of minds no matter how unjustifiable in the particulars of this situation.  The Lord hears and will decide.  The soul's heart will know the decision.  The Lord is kind and merciful, slow to anger and abiding in His love.

Confession for a consecrated hermit, authentically living his vows in silence and solitude, is a holy sacrament available in any present moment.  The confessional is the cell, and that "cell" also may be the consecrated heart which rules over the mind's will, given over in obedience to His Real Presence.  The high priest is Jesus Himself, and absolution and peace is His to bequeath, Sacred Heart to consecrated heart.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Let us love one another for love is of God!