Catholic Hermit: On Writing, Refocusing, and Butterflying

Someone who comments and also likes to send information on a saint of the day, is intrigued by the young saint, not long ago canonized:  St. Rafael Arnaiz Baron.  He died at age 27, just 9 days since receiving the Cistercian (Trappist) habit.  

He entered the Trappist monastery (in Spain) when age 23, and due to a rare type of diabetes that was resistant to insulin, three times had to leave the monastery to return home for treatment when his diabetes would flare.  Thus he lived as a conventual Trappist (lived as a Cistercian oblate on monastery grounds).  In other words, he lived his time as postulant and novice and as if a Cistercian but not with vows or full status until shortly before a diabetic flare up took his life.

There are not many of his writings--but enough to be inspired by his life and his love of God, his strong faith, and his great desire to be a Trappist despite his health trials.  He was a victim soul, surely, given his on-going suffering of diabetes to an extent of no means of cure or life longevity. There is one biography in English that includes excerpts from his letters and other forms of bits of writing his thoughts.  A Cistercian monk priest who was reading a German translation of Baron's writings translated from Spanish, shared on a blog one excerpt.

I found it simple, picturesque, poignant and relatable regarding a cold, dreary morning in the monastery in which Rafael was also very cold and peeling vegetables, notably turnips upon turnips.  He began to slip into a despair--tempted--describing his fingers are red demons.  Then he experiences some thoughts that uplift him, and he recognizes the grace of God in His Persons, uplifting him and helping him rejoice and delight in what the turnip-peeling taught him and brought him to a point of delightful grasping of the glory of God in various facets.

I get tempted to purchase yet another book, as I love to read of other mystics and learn from them.  But I am so depleted myself by pain and the fatigue of pain currently, that I do not begin to read all the books I have on the shelves here at Solus Deus.  And when I read the excerpt of Rafael's writing and researched more of his life, it is sufficient to appreciate him and ask him to please befriend me.  I could use some GUMPTION, actually.  I need his perseverance with turnip peeling, so that I go out and churn some soil with grass clumps invading the beds around trees, to mow the front yard, to plnat the tiny shrubs and trees that remain from last year that did not get planted prior to surgery.

A major facet of Rafael's writing is that he reminds me through it, of the simplicity of the types of situations and nuances of observations, and the interplay of communicating within with His Real Presence, that so much was the delight of many years of my life--the bulk of them.  But this delight is suffocated off and on, and now more on than off, by the weight of the temporal aspects of what is not actually the brilliance of spiritual life, of the Christian progression of the soul winging its way to union with God.

Rather, it is the weight of the crushing and suffocating squishing of a caterpillar nearly formed into a butterfly yet still in the cocoon, that deadens my mind, heart, and spirit:  my soul reason to exist, my main purpose, my mission for which we all are called.  We are to love God in Himself and enjoy His love for us, and to share that love in God with love of others as God loves--the sparkles of noticing the reality of His Real Presence and of heavenly beings--Mary, the saints, the angels, the loved ones sanctified on the other side of the thin veil that separates us on earth from those in blessed eternity.

I wrote many thoughts--poured out in an email to the parish priest, of gratitude for his time and effort several days ago in a phone appointment of brief duration but for a focused and busy parish leader to a mystic, victim soul, hermit none of it, I realize, what a parish priest needs to be tending to.  I let out the thoughts and feelings, some of the situations of past, with the reality they gurgle to the surface because I need to forgive.  The priest had brought up sensing fear.  How much and variety and reasons why fears, I mentioned some.  And am grateful, for faith is the flip side of fear; and fear spurs us on to action in ways we never thought possible, and that includes action that seems inaction to those in active life.

Email contact is akin to trying to speak on phone or in person; it goes through a channel of someone else, and who knows if the priest ever gets an email or reads it.  That did not matter; I just needed to pour out the fears which are real and valid and for good reason--but not necessary. I do not need to hang on to those fears but rather let them free me, spur me on to freedom and butterfly emergence from crushing cocoons and onward winging with assurance of God-with-me-always, now and forever.  

As to fear of being so crushed as to lose my Catholic Christian faith, that is not a realistic fear, either, from someone who'd years ago exclaim in the depth of a horrific pain siege, to a priest who brought the consecrated Host to me laid out in agony, "The Catholic Church is my last and only hope!" 

But fears of all types will no doubt be the devil's means of trying to discourage and distract my butterfly-self from freely flitting upon delights in the union with His Real Presence I've enjoyed for a long time.  Off and on has this delightful, inter-playful union in actuality existed, and assuredly is on when I fly out of reach of temporal, grasping fingers of all types and sorts, metaphorically and literally, wanting, trying, to touch and grasp my butterfly wings.

I must not tarry low!  Must, need, fly out of grasp of that which will disrupt and harm the butterfly freedom in flight of delight in God's love and the love of life temporal and mystical, the love of noticing and appreciating the observations and tiny details of joyful existence and on-going communication with the Beloved and of, in, those and what He loves.

I must write of these encounters with the Beloved.  And in Jesus, I trust!

But as to a mystic-victimsoul-hermit taking the time or energy or looking to a parish priest for guidance and direction when a parish priest if not most all priests have distinct purposes and callings, I must not disrupt their efficiency and their necessary focus on all those many to whom they are called to shepherd generally and specifically.  The Lord provided priestly guidance for me for 24 years--amazingly and miraculously so.  

Unless He specifically and unexpectedly brings another along, the Lord expects of me some maturity in the spiritual life now, and to in forgiveness and love, cast out fears of past persecutions and recognize they were His Real Presence teaching me the way of the mystics, the way of victim souls, the way of mystic-victimsoul-hermit whose hermit vocation remains the God-anointed and consecrated vocational vehicle for this life time.  

The Lord expects of me love of Him and of all others, and the offering of myself has been full and complete.  There seems not more to offer other than to keep going, to simply keep going, and to love, to keep loving Him in Himself and others as He loves, to love the love with which He loves us.  I'm otherwise spent.  

And my life as a consecrated Catholic hermit is God's, all for God; and He gifts me not to just one parish or diocese but to the universal Church and to all Christians and to the salvation of all the world.  This is true of any hermit chosen by God to this vocation that is but a vehicle for this life's journey.  This is true of any soul, any person, any follower of God in whatever vocation they are given as vehicle for this the earthly, temporal-spiritual sojourn.

Butterflying is for all eternity and is not just for me--is for everyone.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

"Beloved:  if you invoke as Father Him who judges impartially according to each one's works, conduct yourselves with reverence during the time of your sojourning, realizing that you were ransomed from your futile conduct, handed on by your ancestors, not with perishable things like silver or gold but with the precious blood of Christ as of a spotless unblemished lamb.  He was known before the foundation of the world but revealed in the final time for you, who through Him believe in God who raised Him from the dead and gave Him glory, so that your faith and hope are in God." 

Catholic Hermit: Rise, and Do Not Be Afraid

I'm behind a bit in writing of this Word of Jesus in Sunday Mass' Gospel reading from St. Matthew 17:1-9.   The single statement that impacts so very much is the concise, visionary command of Jesus:  "Rise, and do not be afraid."  Why does this statement seems "visionary"? 

What is one of the most difficult aspects we humans have faced, face, and likely will always overcome in our lives?   Our fear!  Label it insecurity, unknowns, angst, hesitation--the reality remains that we humans, in our innermost beings, in our thoughts and emotions--struggle with fear.  What is the antidote to fear? 

Faith is the flip-side of fear.  While having an element of fear or trepidation of outcome can spur some persons on to try more, to fight for whatever challenge even of survival, faith is the best and virtuous answer to all fear.  Faith will always help us persevere and overcome trials and difficulties, challenges and our fears.

This Lent, this world is scrambling to cope with COVID-19, coronavirus.  This virus has become a major health concern, including now with in the United States who literally has cases being realized around Feb. 26--Ash Wednesday. While China evidenced the virus a couple months ago, the rest of the world is rapidly experiencing this highly contagious and rapidly spreading disease that affects the elderly and anyone with compromised immune systems--but all are at risk of becoming ill with a virus of which the medical professionals are scrambling to analyze, understand, diagnose, treat, and develop a safe vaccine.

It is as if the Lord speaks to all people on earth regarding a virus that is considered more fatal percentage-wise of those who contract it, than the flu.  Thus, containment of COVID-19 is crucial given the statistics, even though currently it has not killed more than the flu this season. But the potential to do more damage given the rapid rate of contagion spread--exponentially greater each day.  Jesus is telling us with this virus of which people are fearful, "Rise, and do not be afraid.

Personally, I finally sent to the Urgent Care today because the cough, the sinus issues, and the occasional fever needed more than over-the-counter decongestants.  While I was not successful in getting the anti-biotic that has always in past (not that many times, but through four or five gnarly sinus infections that if untreated ended up with serious upper respiratory ailments--pneumonia a couple times and strep throat, the nurse practitioner did prescribe a different anti-biotic. 

I have no idea if what she prescribed will be effective, and since this afternoon I had chills again, I considered calling to make an appointment with a doctor despite having to drive farther to his office.  My fear is not that of dying of COVID-19, but I don't want to become more ill than what has been hanging on for ten days or so.  Seems like it trends better one day, then worse the next.  But I do consider the persons at the neurosurgeon's office yesterday, or at grocery, those few this hermit's been around, regardless if a sinus infection or something other.

So late afternoon I had a nudge from the Holy Spirit to call the doctor's office to get an appointment a couple days from now, so that if the anti-biotic prescribed is not effective, I will not have to wait to see the doctor. Despite the drive to his office is much farther than the Urgent Care--which was why I opted for the latter given my higher pain level and that sitting and driving make it worse--the doctor is one who listens and trusts that I am honest about what medication has always handled the sinus problem--and if it gets into lungs.

I called with about 7 minutes prior to their office closing, and the doctor had but one appointment slot remaining prior to leaving on vacation in two days.  Thankfully, I have that appointment, and even if I have a prescription I can use if needed, I must make the bodily effort to go.  I'm grateful.  

In the meantime, I've reflected upon why the nurse practitioner today was obdurate against what has always worked, for the pharmacist told me it is absolutely not true that medical practitioners are not prescribing the medication that has been effective for me.  The one prescribed has side effect of nausea--of which I mentioned to the nurse practitioner that with my spine still in healing-mode, I must avoid risk of medications that can cause vomiting. 

Thus, I do have fears--or if I want to downplay the word fear, can call them "concerns."   (I prefer whatever term is stronger, is more blatant, and that means the word fear.)  Last week, when the back pain plus being sick with the sinus problems and my intestines not cooperating again--I was unreasonably concerned (or admit to fearful) of pain that would spike and the danger to other drivers and vehicles on the road if I drove the long distance to meet with the third party.  (The one who will spiritually discern my hermit vocation, get to know me some, so as to advise the bishop as he prefers hermits be CL603 professed.) 

And then the Lord showed me a hindrance within myself, that He desires me to overcome and rid out once and for all:  fear of rejection.  Along with that fear, I am recognizing several fears.  Fear, I am realizing, of having gotten myself into more than my body can "do" regarding manual labor involved with my hermitage.  Fear of the unknown of the pain level lowering over time--of which the neurosurgeon yesterday recognized that Arachnoiditis patients' severe pain tends to increase and remain increased after additional spine surgeries.  That is certainly a reality now to which I must adapt  So there is a fear that I might not adapt well or quickly.

There is the fear that I have become spiritually lazy.  Or there is the major fear which includes guilt that I have become morbidly self-absorbed.  And perhaps the greatest fear the Lord has shown me in this Lent, is my fear that I am terribly disappointing to Him and have not done His will in various aspects of and in my life.  

I fear I have not offered in fully spiritual focus and love, the pain the Lord has allowed me--gifted me--for over 35 years.  Perhaps I will fear that I am not praying well nor enough for conversions and for the well-being of people all over the world who are contracting COVID-19--that they know Jesus as their Lord and Savior--that we all repent and turn to the Gospel!

To all these fears (and oddly, my dying has not been a fear ever since the death experience over 32 years ago), I beseech Jesus to please increase my faith!  I desire to henceforth, always, "Rise, and do not be afraid."  No matter what might lurk within me of fears, no matter what I must face as do all of us face in our lives moment by moment, day after day and night after night, I and all of us must rise--as our first action.  

We must rise bodily or mentally, emotionally, spiritually; and this requires fatih!  Then we must be not afraid.  And faith will release us from fear.  We will no longer be afraid if we possess faith. 

We must pray for faith...pray for a strong and ever-increasing faith.  We must pray that we have faith that we possess faith.  We must truly believe that Jesus has given us and increased our faith.  This God-given, God-graced, God-emboldened, God-increased faith!

"Rise, and do not be afraid."

And God bless His Real Presence in us, as always and forever!  Love God, Praise God!



Saint Leo the Great (?-c.461)

Pope and Doctor of the Church

Sermon 51 (SC 74 bis)

"This is my beloved Son (...); listen to him."

The apostles, who need to be strengthened in their faith, received a teaching in the miracle of the Transfiguration that would offer them appropriate guidance for all knowledge. Moses and Elijah, that is to say the Law and the prophets, appeared talking to the Lord (…). As Saint John says: “The Law was given by Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ,” (Jn 1:17). The apostle Peter was rapt in ecstasy, so to speak, with desire for eternal happiness; full of joy at such a vision, he desired to live with Jesus somewhere where his glory manifested like this would fill him with joy. So he said: “Lord, it is good that we are here. If you wish I will make three tents here, one for you, one for Moses and one for Elijah.” But the Lord made no answer to this proposal since he wanted to show, not that this desire was a bad one, certainly, but that it was misplaced. For the world cannot be saved except through the death of Christ. And the Lord’s example invites the faith of the believer to grasp how, without our being allowed to doubt the promised happiness, we ought nevertheless, amidst the temptations of this life, to ask for patience rather than glory, since the happiness of the Kingdom cannot come before the time of suffering. That is why, even as he spoke, a bright cloud covered them and a voice proclaimed from out of the cloud: “This is my beloved Son, with whom I am well pleased; listen to him.” (…) “This is my Son, through whom all things came to be and without whom nothing came to be,” (Jn 1:3). All that I do, he does likewise; all that I work, he works with me, indistinguishably and without any difference (Jn 5:17-19). (…) This is my Son, who did not grasp jealously at the equality he shares with me, who did not lay claim to his rights, but while remaining within my divine glory, humbled himself to take the form of a slave (Phil 2:6f.) so as to accomplish our common design for the restoration of humankind. Therefore listen unhesitatingly to him in whom I am well pleased, whose teaching makes me known, whose humility gives me glory, for he is the Truth and the Life (Jn 14:6). He is my power and wisdom (1 Cor 1:24). Listen to him who redeems the world by his blood (…), who opens the way to heaven through the agony of the cross.

Holy Gospel of Jesus Christ according to Saint Matthew 17,1-9.

Jesus took Peter, James, and John his brother,  and led them up a high mountain by themselves.And he was transfigured before them; his face shone like the sun and his clothes became white as light.And behold, Moses and Elijah appeared to them, conversing with him.Then Peter said to Jesus in reply, "Lord, it is good that we are here. If you wish, I will make three tents here, one for you, one for Moses, and one for Elijah."While he was still speaking, behold, a bright cloud cast a shadow over them, then from the cloud came a voice that said, "This is my beloved Son, with whom I am well pleased; listen to him."When the disciples heard this, they fell prostrate and were very much afraid.But Jesus came and touched them, saying, "Rise, and do not be afraid."And when the disciples raised their eyes, they saw no one else but Jesus alone.As they were coming down from the mountain, Jesus charged them, "Do not tell the vision to anyone until the Son of Man has been raised from the dead."

Fear Is the Flip-side of Faith

This wisdom was told the "nothing Catholic hermit" years ago.  Think it was John the Baptist who shared it in one of the first encounters, that Dr. H. taped at the suggestion of an angel or someone on the other side, entering this temporal realm to be of such great assistance in a time of learning and opening to the supernatural realities.  God Is Love!

Yes, fear is the flip-side of faith.

An example recently reminded this "nothing" of the great truth.  [John had also said one can learn much about faith in Luke 17.  Check it out.]

A dear one helping install cabinets has much physical strength and intellectual genius.  Working hard, there was much straining, intensity, and verbal noises and outcries associated with something very difficult to screw into place.  So "nothing Catholic hermit" assumed it had not the strength to screw in the cabinet bolts, especially after two right shoulder surgeries and given age and gender. 

Yes, by the groans and sighs and occasional shouts, and a few stripped screw heads, it seemed far beyond the capabilities of this hermit to even attempt bolting in a base cabinet.  Obviously, upper cabinets needed two people--one to hold up on the temporary horizontal support board, and another to pre-drill and then drive in the cabinet screws.

So when there still was work to be done on fine-tuning, and some could not return again for quite awhile due to work schedules, the electrician who has been helping with electrical agreed and was hired to help install the remaining cabinets and re-do a couple that had shifted.  He is a large and strong man, also.

Then when the evening arrived and there were still a couple more base cabinets to be finished, he said he was sure this old lady hermit could manage to bolt those plus build the base to which to screw into the floor and then secure the peninsula cabinets to that.  Yes, sawing and screwing to the floor was one thing, and shimming and leveling the base cabinets another--but there was much fear in attempting to bolt the cabinets to the wall and each other based upon how difficult it was assumed due to the sounds and brute force seemingly necessary.

Fearsome!  What if screw heads were stripped?  Had already had to remove a cabinet that another had bolted in, the head stripped.  Used the reciprocating metal saw blade, and the heat burned the cabinet finish. Fortunately had another cabinet that was gratis as cabinet man mistakenly ordered an extra.  God provides!

So into the mind comes the reminder from John the Baptist, the wisdom that fear is the flip side of faith, and to have faith!  To simply keep going, to simply keep going, and how simple that is, he also had said some 26 years ago.

With faith overcoming fear, the nothing Catholic hermit did the routine.  Pre-drill, then drive in the cabinet screw bolt.  First one bolt, then another, then another and another.  Went in quite easily.  Took out some screws that had been driven awhile ago by others and replaced with the proper screws.  (This was no one's fault; just had not been told what type of screws to use to bolt cabinets one to another.  Once we found out, it is a matter of removing and replacing the ones we can.)

Anyway, in a rather tedious and relatively unimportant task of the temporal realm, and one that will not matter to anyone else nor will be an issue again in this hermit's life as the kitchen cabinets are installed, the main if not only reason for this life experience is to have a reality experience in the great truth and wisdom that fear is the flip side of faith, and to overcome fear with faith.

Lots of extra tension and force and verbalizations don't necessarily assist us in tasks but rather are distractions and deplete the focus that silence and prayer can provide for a successful outcome.  Also, assuming something is too difficult based upon observations of how others may approach a project, and allowing fear to rule the mind and heart and thus the body, is giving into fear.  At least try, in faith, and pray, and then praise God regardless the temporal outcomes for all is a spiritual victory when faith overcomes fear.

Now, that is truly simple, is it not?  Yes, but learning it and practicing it takes some reminding and some practice, and how else to learn it than in the little details of daily life?

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Little children, let us love one another!

Be An Immolation in the Mass

My spiritual father was quite ill but improving, thankfully so.  We spoke on the phone yesterday, and I reported my daily Mass experiences in the more local parish.  He had advised me to go there, give it a try, despite being told a year ago by the priest there that I was not allowed to attend daily Mass--only Saturday evening and in the cry room, at that.

Friday's Mass, commemorating the Assumption of Mary, was in the main church with more people than the eight or so who go to the daily Mass.  What has become the usual reaction by people came to fruition.  Some anger with those assuming I was rudely sleeping with the kneeler slammed from behind into the pew, people after Mass avoiding eye contact or pleasantry.

The woman I met the day before spoke, however, saying she noticed that I seemed not aware from the beginning of the Scripture reading through the end.  She said, "You missed the whole Mass!  You weren't aware of any of it!"  I quietly responded that I was very deeply aware, more than could be described.  "I am subsumed into the Mass."  She then said, "But you did not receive the Eucharist!"  I replied that I receive at a very deep level, in a dimension beyond the temporal."  I added that I thought she had the capacity to grasp this, and she said she did.

Still, she kept asking, "So I don't need to worry about you, then?  I can stop worrying?"

I told my spiritual father that it is becoming repetitively sad that we Catholics seem unable to leave off with the assumptions, the judging, the doubting, the fear of what is but an unobtrusive, quiet, stilled experience of the numinous during Mass, albeit not usual but also not unheard of.  I felt sorry that the woman took upon herself to "worry."  Worry about what?  That my soul was in peril?  That I was not aware based upon her assumptions?  That I did not receive His Real Presence tangibly?

She represents us all, I suppose, when we are so in tune with the temporal and external appearances.  But my spiritual father said it is at and in the Mass that we all ought to be immolated.  I had told him that this is my immolation, being at Mass yet under the scrutiny, fear, doubt and judgment of others over what does not neatly fit neatly into the temporal view.

I admit to having awakened this morning, thoroughly sickened to the core with realizing how easy it is for us to fall into making assumptions and being too caught up in temporal views and entangling judgments.  The experiences I am gaining are teaching me in ways nothing other could supersede as a good lesson in seeking the spiritual view of love and mercy and of not succumbing to infertile ground. (Nothing grows there.)

In but four daily Masses, there is consternation among them.  I did approach an older woman to say hello and ascertain if she is the other woman who the man (of the Potato Novena family) told me seemed to be a thoughtful woman.  Evidently she did not recognize me in glasses, for she immediately asked, "Who IS this woman who is coming here now?  Is she a PARISHIONER?"  I realized her confusion, and said perhaps this woman she noticed is or will be....

This is His will to which I am called:  Be an immolation.  I have assurance within, during Mass. that His Real Presence is conforming my body, mind, heart and soul to Him as well as utilizing me in mystical ways for whatever He wills within me and within others.  I am to be an immolation and in that, also, a conduit of His love and mercy.

I stand corrected in many aspects, and fear must be transformed to its flip side:  Faith.

There is no need to be driving longer distances to attend Mass where the parish may be more in tune with good and holy activities of education and outreach, where the priest may be more plugged into his vocation.  The people's reactions have not proven to be any better.

That and this is for all of us.  I realize that each person, each body, each heart, mind and soul present at and in Mass, is an agent of change and fuller realization of all the Sacraments, including His Living Word, evident in temporal and mystical actualization.  We are called from the limitations of the temporal and move toward the mystical, the supernal spiritual--as the priest ought stand at the portal, pointing to and leading us into the Promised Land. 

The instruction to "Be an immolation" requires only that, and very much simply of "being."  I am present in the Mass, very much among and deeply within the Body of Christ in silence and prayerful union of conformity through, with and in the life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. 

Little children, let us love one another.  Love Is of God.  God bless His Real Presence in us!

Try a Walk on the Water

This is strictly a here-and-now matter, plus as always in the spiritual view.  Faith needed!

I had a long talk, long distance this morning, with the spiritual father.  Over the weekend, the man of the couple with their children who had prayed the Potato Novena with me for the area priest and parish, called and assured me their absence was not anything to do with my being candid with them from the onset about my situation at Mass and in other aspects, spiritually.

He asked if he could talk to their previous parish's priest.  They remain good friends and continue to drive to that parish as often as possible, given the local parish's priest issues.  It is likely the Mass there is not licit, sad to report.  However, my spiritual father reminded me of aspects of which to be aware, to know definitively.  The man, J., said he wanted to speak to his priest friend about my situation and to see if I'd be willing to drive with them to Mass when they go there.

All right.  I agreed.  Yesterday J. returned to my place here to help lift in a window I'd framed, and he reported back that his priest, who is very orthodox and true-on in living his Catholic priesthood, was wary when J. shared a little.  Then J. and I talked of the local parish situation.  I had been thinking perhaps the Lord wished me to do as He'd said a couple years ago, to not let the judges and criticizers affect me--"Pay no attention to them."  And, I had.   It is hard to take, time and again.

We wondered if perhaps the Lord wished me to go even to a daily Mass, of which the local priest last year had forbidden me to attend.  (Yes, many have pointed out that he has no right to dictate that I cannot go to Mass any more than the handful of priests elsewhere who did not want me in their parish out of fear of how parishioners would "crucify" me, as one put it.  (It is not easy being green, as Kermit the Frog used to sing.)

J. wanted me to try the daily Mass, to test the waters, to cast the net.  He said he'd go with me if I did.  But I wanted to talk these matters over with my spiritual father.  And this morning he said to give the local parish a try with one morning Mass, but otherwise to set up an appointment with the orthodox young priest which would mean a drive and distance, but we agreed that we cannot blame priests for being wary.  My spiritual life is atypical; my spiritual father once again said I am just so very different in that regard, even if it is not good or kind or fair the way I am treated as a result.

I also told him I had met with some Methodist women last week just to be around some kindly people and to practice what I thought might be waning social skills!  He laughed.  I also told him my thoughts that perhaps His Real Presence wished to utilize me with the "Gentiles", as it certainly seemed that the Catholics had a hard time coping with or moving beyond a profound yet not unheard-of, phenomenon.

My spiritual father blames the priests for not handling it well, not explaining and just then everyone moving on and allowing me to be the person I am otherwise, and let the phenomenon be as it is during Mass, and that is that.

When I said it practically seems as if His Real Presence is shooing me elsewhere, my spiritual father said it can certainly seem that way.  And who knows?  Maybe He wishes to utilize me with other than Catholics, for the others may be more receptive to sharing and learning about prayer, the spiritual life, and climbing the holy mountain.

But given past locutions, visions and dreams, suffering is my lot in life to seemingly a high degree, and I was called into the Catholic Church most definitely.  Now we shall cast a couple of nets once again, and see what or how many (if any) fish the Lord puts in.  I'm to report back to my spiritual father, regardless.  I admit that when things go poorly with more scrutiny, misjudging, and criticism, I do have a hard time not paying any attention to it or the people who inflict what comes down to uncharitable rejection--even if it comes from their fears.

And fear is catching, or seems to have been for me.  When others become wary of me, I become wary of them.  It will take courage and faith to go and speak with the orthodox priest who told J. to have me call and set up an appointment, if I want.  I really don't want, but I'll cast the net because my spiritual father said to give that a try and at least find out what happens.

So I will attempt stepping out of the boat again.  I will try to walk across the water, step by step.  First it will be attending this morning's Mass in the local parish, even if told a year ago I was not allowed.  As my spiritual father said, I have a right to go to Mass, and I added that the Mass belongs to God.

We will see how it goes.  If I start to sink, I must cry out to Jesus, and He will extend His arm and with His hand, lift me up.  What is the worst that can happen, anyway?

Sharing Experiences, Part Two: God Is So Real

 "‘So have no fear of them; for nothing is covered up that will not be uncovered, and nothing secret that will not become known. What I say to you in the dark, tell in the light; and what you hear whispered, proclaim from the housetops. Do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul; rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell. Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground unperceived by your Father. And even the hairs of your head are all counted. So do not be afraid; you are of more value than many sparrows.'

"‘Everyone therefore who acknowledges me before others, I also will acknowledge before my Father in heaven; but whoever denies me before others, I also will deny before my Father in heaven.'" 
  from Matthew 10

---

There are other visions and locutions and dreams.  Many were prior to my becoming a Catholic.  There did not seem to be the added fear of oppressive scrutiny then.  In one case, I had just moved back to my hometown, and I had a waking vision of an assassination attempt that was going to happen on a US president.  This is quite a lengthy story with marvelous details; but the end result: the attempt was thwarted.  

I acted on it; I first called Dr. H. to discuss what I'd been shown, and explained my reluctance due to kind of hoping that the visions and such would leave if I got back to my roots.  (They do carry responsibility and courage beyond ourselves.)  He insisted I had to contact the Secret Service, and so I did.  All unfolded in amazing ways, but that is for some other sharing, if even God wants, if somehow helpful or glorifies Him.  Everything we think, say and do must glorify God even if some people may think it does not.

Yet, when I read the above Scripture, I think of all these experiences that are helpful to others in some ways--not just the persons involved, but in helping others realize to not busy themselves to the point of not being utilized by God to help others.  Also, sharing spiritual experiences (at least anonymously) can help others with grasping anew, that God is so real.

But I admit that even as a Protestant, I was selective as to the sharing, for there was way too much self then, and fear of how others would react or think of me.  Dr. H. taught me to live a double life of sorts, but that did not work out for long. When God brings experiences to a perceived mode, hiding is not an option.  One also has to decide if it is better to seem as a fool and risk being wrong, or to share what is shown and be potentially helpful regardless the flack later.

For there will always be those who create flack.  But we are told by Jesus to not fear.  Our souls will not be harmed even if our "bodies" are.  And by bodies, we can in our time assume our temporal reputations, for whatever they are worth, which is not much in the big world.  We have to consider our souls' worth in the spiritual realm, and our reputation in His Real Presence.

One time I was shown danger and a horrible calamity and accident ahead.  It involved my eldest daughter's wedding, of which they were driving in winter to a location to marry, and many family members would be driving, as well.  I could not go, as my pain issues prevented at the time.  But I was shown extreme danger to a point that there was no appeasement within.  It was awkward speaking up under the circumstances, for if wrong--oh my, what a fool I'd be and not be taken seriously again or not for a long time.

But I decided better to be wrong than the risk of such foreboding.  I enlisted many people to pray, for they decided to go on their way.  But one daughter (not a Catholic) took a blessed scapular, and my ex-husband asked my son if this was legitimate.  My son said to take it seriously.  Off they traveled with inclement weather, a kind of "perfect storm" element very strong within.  I had even questioned if this was something more symbolic or was it a temporal event to occur?  No answer other than the strong impulse to pray the Chaplet of Divine Mercy during the time of the wedding.  Some friends prayed it with me, during that time frame, and others prayed in their faith traditions.

Everyone returned safe and sound.  I can't describe my relief!  My other daughter (not the bride) told me of what could have been horrific on the way back.  The car in which she was riding was caught on black ice, went into the other lane on a mountain curve.  She got out while the driver and other passengers remained in the car, spinning the wheels.  But he pulled it out of the spin, she got in quickly, and a second later a car from the opposing direction came around the curve.

I may never know it that was the foreboding, or if all or one of the prayers averted that or some other calamity.  A few years later when I was shown something regarding my son who was at college, he reacted in anger.  "I should have never told you about that!" he charged.  He thought he had accidentally told me something he and some friends had done.  I said, "No, you never told me.  The Lord showed me in a dream what you were doing, and you had better not do something that risky again." 

He lashed out again.  "You and your dreams and all that stuff!  Well, one time you were wrong!  Nothing happened at the wedding like you thought."  I responded that he was thankfully correct, but that he did not know of all the prayers of others blanketing all those few days.  I also said perhaps I was totally deceived that time, and maybe we will never know.  Either way, the warning signs I received made it worth risking my ridiculous, temporal "reputation."  Better to be ridiculed by family than to dismiss what seemed of God.

I can take this stance with more assurance as being one who has dealt with these situations enough to recognize and sense.  In fact, too often I try to talk myself out of listening and paying attention when God touches, tells, or shows.  I've been battered in life when I ignore His communications.  Yet, it is the easy way out to tune out to God in such situations because we are dealing with the spiritual, the mystical realm.

Somehow the above Word of God has touched me today, and I was reminded of some of these experiences and several more.  I am reminded of many that I did not heed nor act upon, also, or that I downplayed or misinterpreted due to nothing more nor less than fear of being wrong or fear of others thinking oddly or negatively about me.

And all this discussion does not begin to touch upon the many times we could so easily hide our Christianity by not praying, not thinking of Jesus, not sharing how God is so real, not listening nor speaking nor living out a life in which His Real Presence is PRESENT day and night, in everything we do, in thought, word, action--on both the interior and exterior!  Our very souls can show His Real Presence as He has his abode in our souls!  Our eyes and voices are also His Sight and Voice.

All I know is if we give ourselves over to be used by His Real Presence in whatever ways He wills, expect to hear from Him in all manner and types of communication and situations which will require some response on your part, some action as to your own life and also the lives of others.

Don't fear making mistakes.  He continues to teach us. Don't we learn lessons well when we make some painful errors and see how to improve? He tells us by His Living Word that He has sent and given us the Advocate Who will teach us all manner of things.

God is so real!  God bless His Real Presence in us!

Sharing Experinces: God Is So Real

"So have no fear of them; 
for nothing is covered up that will not be uncovered, 
and nothing secret that will not become known. 

What I say to you in the dark, 
tell in the light; 
and what you hear whispered, 
proclaim from the housetops. 

Do not fear those who kill the body 
but cannot kill the soul; 
rather fear him who can destroy 
both soul and body in hell. 

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? 
Yet not one of them will fall to the ground 
unperceived by your Father. 

And even the hairs of your head are all counted. 
So do not be afraid; 
you are of more value than many sparrows." 

These Words of Jesus fascinate and stir the mind and soul.  I recall years past when the Holy Spirit began to actively awaken my inner life to various spiritual experiences, drawing me closer to Jesus Christ and the Father.  I kept a journal, and sometimes I shared some dreams and visions with a close friend or two.  But I did not understand what was what, as far as putting labels to the phenomenon, and I did not have a repertoire of some of the personages and understanding what the messages may mean in the future.

Since two-thirds of my life thus far was lived as a Protestant Christian, I can compare and contrast the understanding to the recent "third" of my life as a Catholic Christian.

God called me into the Catholic Church, bit by bit, over the course of ten years.  He utilized a couple of colleagues, another doctoral student in the psychology studies, references in some books.  He then began utilizing visions, both corporeal and image visions, as well as locutions and dreams.  He utilized (and still does) all these tools at His disposal and creation, plus He utilizes His Living Word, worship, prayer, and temporal world situations and experiences.

As a Protestant, sharing how God works in our lives seemed to be more acceptable in some ways.  However, perhaps some of what I shared with a friend or two seemed odd to them.  I do recall one who hummed "The Twilight Zone" theme song; and a woman, when I shared in an adult Sunday school class a dream involving a soul on the other side, came to my house with concern that I was a necromancer who consulted the dead.  However, over all, we shared freely our love of Christ and how He actively, directly and indirectly interacted in our lives and souls.

As a Catholic, I learned that seemingly people do not share their spiritual lives but rather are counseled to not tell anyone anything.  However, I find it contradictory when I and others--even some priests--read various books which are extremely helpful and inspiring and are filled with that person's spiritual experiences and what God taught them, and how He made Himself so real to them in their daily lives.  Obviously, the person writing the book or the person writing about the person's spiritual life, shared in detail how God worked in their lives.  

Sometimes I read of persons in the past century or so, doing so "only" out of obedience to a priest or superior who ordered them to share.  But most often, they wrote or others wrote what the person told them, as a call to do so from God. Perhaps it was a result of grasping His Living Word and realizing that such sharing helps and inspires others of us who are striving to do God's will, to love Him as Himself and others in Him.

However, some experiences, and maybe most, I did not share so openly.  I had to learn how to suggest to someone to see a doctor, if I was shown an illness or something life-threatening.  Then I had to learn how to accept if the person did not accept the suggestion and died.  I also had to learn how to cope if I was shown something but did not say anything, and rather prayed.  If the person died, then I had to deal with wondering if I had had the courage to say something to warn him or her.

It took learning to listen and discern, such as if I was told "He does not have long to live!"  In that case, I discerned it was a statement of fact.  However, as it turned out, had I said something to the person, there would have been ample time for surgery to remove a blood clot.  I still feel bad about that one, but I lacked courage and was too selfish, knowing if the man complained to Rev. Msgr., I would have been chastised.  And if I got the showing wrong--oh my.  

For already in the case of a young priest who was preyed upon by a thrice-divorced woman, the Rev. Msgr. told me to only pray.  But the Bishop told me to write to him and pray, so I wrote, and I reminded the young priest of how he was shown to me in a crowd when a stranger to me and a seminarian.  He was at a parish ice cream social, one among a crowd of 200 or more.  He distinctively stood out--and no, was not wearing black nor a clerical collar.  

I reminded him, and I also shared a vision I was shown of how the devil was tempting him through the woman, and that otherwise he had quite a calling ahead of him.  (This was after he became a priest.)  But he left and married.  I have no idea how his life is going, but he gave up when he had been truly anointed by the Holy Spirit.  I will never forget that waking vision, and having him stand out as anointed, in the crowd.

Continued in next post....