Catholic Hermit: Understanding and Loving, Moving On

 

Just want to clarify that there are added lies being stated of me online by a person who has persistently stalked, harassed, and doxxed me--and misrepresenting me online.   I very much wish the person well, have come to understand the person, and love the person in God's Love, despite the behaviors involved which are now understandable, given the situation.

For any readers coming to my site, just know that in addition to praying for the person, I have moved on from having anything to do with the person. It is a shame that the other cannot cease and desist, but I wish the person no ill will, and turn the person and the situation, over to God.

I will continue with blog writing, personal spiritual writing, or writing for publication, when and if I have the time.  For now am sharing verbally which has proven fruitful to others as well as in my own spiritual life, in various positive ways, but mostly due to that being the genre the Holy Spirit suggested.  The fruitfulness has merited my continuing this aspect of God's will for me per 1987 death experience and in part why He told me He was sending me back to my body.  Writing in addition to other genre, at this point, would take too much time from my spiritual life of prayer, penance, praise of God, and Scripture exegesis and application to daily life usually in practice of manual labor and whatever interface with others and situations that entails.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Love in God Is Pure Love!

Catholic Hermit: Small but Needful Decision/Choice

So much good transpired today in this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit's refocus and full-throttle ahead in the Lord!

I will write more, perhaps tomorrow, on:  today's meeting with the hermit priest, the unexpected but spiritual encouragement in conversation with a Home Depot Exteriors employee who came to give estimate on front door install, as well as the way in which the devil went awry--after an edifying and unexpected, glorious discussion with my new spiritual director.  (I am heartily convinced that my late Spiritual Da arranged this hermit-priest as spiritual director, with Jesus, of course!)

But first thing this morning I was able to go to Mass, and the day chapel was empty and cozy and private which made the Mass and spiritual experience quite rich in His Real Presence.  After, I did not go to the large social hall where probably two hundred Mass attendees gather for coffee and donuts after Monday morning Mass.

May seem odd that I mention this detail, for Mass was supernal as always.  And I recall from the homily based upon the First Reading from 1 Samuel a point that the priest made of which I want to incorporate in a separate blog post, for it pertains to self-deception, deceiving others, and under the guise and term of "manipulation."

However, in the opening up of my spiritual life within my hermit vocation, and positivity in the present moment with forward momentum purposeful in Christ, the Lord has made it clear in the detail of the Monday morning coffee and donut gathering:  Not for His hermit.  Yes, it is a lovely occasion to gather and meet parishioners, to get to know one another, to have a hot cup of coffee and bites and halves of various and sundry donuts, muffins, and cinnamon rolls served by joyful volunteers.

Last week I joined in, and from the first of listening to the conversation and then of the wonderfully kind and Christian others at the table, was asked questions--I realized I was as if a fish out of water, and that this was no place for me as a hermit, mystic, victim soul or any one or combination therein.  Yes, I benefitted from prayer needs of the most wonderful parishioners at the table, but it was as if a humorous extreme of what topics were the least expected, and contrary to what I could or should discuss--as even in the temporal and innocent comments they were making on a topic they'd been discussing when I joined them (they welcomed me to their table--marvelously friendly Catholic Christians!), I could no more join in simply due to my input would be contrary to what they thought was factual.

[I will pray about if I should share the specifics of the conversation topic, but I think for now not really necessary to share the topic.  The point is just how odd to the extreme, that the initial conversation at the table was something that I know from experience so well, but the persons discussing were convinced in what they were stating as fact--which was extra sad because as a result, someone they knew was bearing a painful cross that was not at all necessary to be borne!  Yet I knew it best to keep my mouth shut, for their minds were set even if set factually incorrectly.  I knew I could only pray for the person, not present there, but very much suffering.]

Too much to explain.  Just know that it was uncanny--totally uncanny--that of all topics, they would be discussing with errant understanding of a temporal subject matter, something that is integral to my existence and of which I have lived experience and first-hand knowledge of said topic.  Furthermore, if they knew, they would be horrified in a way, for what they were discussing as facts--and sincerely so, truly--were actually false information.  I was stunned by how odd--what were the odds--of that particular subject matter and of which I could not say a peep without causing consternation!  The Lord makes His point often with such irony as to be surprising yet humorous!

Then, of course, the delightful and loving fellow parishioners at the table introduced themselves in welcoming fashion, and one who seemed to be more in a natural leader role, suggested various parish groups I ought to join, and was doing as we all ought to do when we meet a relatively new parishioner:  invite them and encourage them to become involved in the many marvelous opportunities of good works of outreach, spiritual education classes, prayer groups, and fellowship events.  I then worded carefully my gratitude, but when the invitation was more insistent and getting into more detail, I mentioned my back surgery not long ago, as also they had wondered why they'd not seen me before.

The back surgery led to more natural and kindly questions and interest.  (I tell you, I could never ask nor dream of a better parish than this, as it is the very best of parishes with the most Christian and caring people doing all the right things we Catholics ought to be doing!)  So I explained my surgery when asked, and when there were yet more opportunities for involvement to which I was invited and encouraged to participate, as they assumed I would be recovering and much better as I healed, I then had to skirt around my eremitic vocation, for I've already learned it is for the best not to mention it even if it seems would help others understand.  They may or may not, and either way, there is no reason to mention and remove my veil of hiddenness as a consecrated Catholic hermit.

Which then helped me understand within, that there is no reason for me to be going to the coffee and donut "social" (basically that is what it is, and marvelous, admirable, for lay persons in the active life, married and single.I am not a lay person married, and I am not a lay person single.  I am a consecrated Catholic hermit, mystic, and victim soul.  The added sitting was not beneficial for my body, I did not need the sugary donuts although the endorphin rush from sugar is pleasing to my pain for the brief boost, I appreciated listening to the fellow parishioners discuss their day's projected activities, and did learn from the ironic conversation topic initially, of someone's illness.  I tried to get the one person (who had been the leader-type and was so wanting to help me join in with wonderful groups and activities) to tell me about some courses he is taking in theology, and to tell me about a Dr. Peter Kreeft book he is reading and had with him, but I could tell he was ready to be on his way.

I spent much of the remainder of that day, a week ago, in bed due to the added sitting--and I also think the strain of how careful I needed to be to not enter into their initial discussion--literally having to bite my tongue, that I was extra exhausted with the restraint it took, and then to carefully word my answers as to the various activities I was being invited to become involved in.  Explaining my spine surgery, also, was effort; and later I wondered if answering was of any point or helpfulness to them, regardless.  They were interested, yes, but of course then they thought I would improve or not have pain, and thus would then be able to join in the activities--so explained briefly the Arachnoiditis diagnosis, and thus pain is progressive.

No matter the details, after the added bed recovery time, and last week's increasing understanding that the Lord was bringing me to a turning point--or "returning" point might be more apt term-- in my spiritual life and eremitic vocation, I had to laugh at myself!  But this is how I tend to learn.  I cast out a net, often not even thinking much about it.  Example is my casting the net involving a cup of coffee and the treat of a donut (I otherwise do not purchase them), and what I thought would be simple enough brief sitting and listening to others converse, smiling and nodding and interjecting a encouraging word, then quietly leaving.  But no, it became entangling even if the others did not realize I was tangled in my own net.  The sitting caused more pain, the conversation initially was uncanny, and I had to pinch hit "grounders" in my answers to the many suggestions and invitations to what is "active life" involvements.

Such a small thing, really--but for a hermit such as myself, whom the Lord is shaping up for more as He desires me, in more the eremitic ideal and spiritual honing, this morning I knew Mass was my be all and end all.  I came; I went.  And all is well and all shall be well!  I had energy and focus when the unexpected conversation transpired with the Home Depot door and window salesman/installation representative.  He has much suffering, and the bulk of the time spent was in answering questions about suffering and prayer, and of how the Lord calls us sometimes to suffer as a means of building up the Body of Christ.  He left saying there was much about his suffering that he'd not considered before, and that he now saw a purpose his pain and painful experiences.  I was not worn out from dodging conversations that I needed to avoid, nor was I in added pain from sitting, for I stood much of the time or walked around a bit!

God provides!  Such a simple little realistic decision for a Catholic hermit to make.  Really, it is a matter of vocational decision and choice in a small detail of daily life, but it was an invaluable exercise in wise discretion and discernment.  I suddenly realized that the Lord is guiding me in what is best for His hermit on various levels--body, mind, heart, and soul.  There are 150-200 parishioners who enjoy the coffee and donut time after Monday morning Mass, week after week.  It is not as if a pain-in-the-spine Catholic hermit is needed to help them have someone to talk with!

(I'm making myself laugh at myself now.  It's late. Night Office prayed; sleep time.)

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: Holy Mother of God, With Us

Was able to drive to Mass on this Solemnity of Mary, Mother of God.

Someone had early morning texted this quote of St. Padre Pio:  "Always stay close to this Heavenly Mother, because she is the sea to be crossed to reach the shores of Eternal Splendor.

My relationship with Mary has been, as various other facets of my recent life have been:  Distracted.

In present moment considerations of negative situations, negative relationships, and my self needing examination, honest and realistic, of my own negativity, clearing out distractions that are negative, will open my mind, heart, and soul all the more, again and of increase, my love and recognition of Mary.  She is with us, with you, with me.  She is a treasured guide and mentor, a true mother, in our knowing and loving her Son, Our Lord, Jesus Christ.

When I pray for deeper conversions, it is Mary, Mother of God, who facilitates conversions and deeper conversions.  Remember?  She is the Catalytic Converter of our relationship in Christ.

In the day chapel, which I intentionally do not turn on the light but get the television turned on to its live-streaming what will and does occur in the sanctuary, at the altar during Mass, a young man came in despite being yet room in the main apse of the Church--people pouring into the church this morning, January 1, to celebrate Mass and honor Mary as Theotokis: Greek for  God-bearer.

The young man carries immense weight.  He was on other side of chapel, yes, but in same pew row.  He seemed to have no desire, either, to have the ceiling lights turned on; he was self-conscious of his weight, I sensed.  At some point later, after Mass began and after I was in the mystical ecstasy which surely looks like a person having dozed off,  not moving, others had entered.  Someone turned on the light, for it was on after all but the young man and I remained after Mass.

I felt a deep connection with the man, perhaps in his 20's, again, extremely heavy.  He spoke as I stood up to leave, and we looked at one another, seemingly sharing a sense of knowing--perhaps that we each have reasons to have come into the dark day chapel and preferring it to remain darkened.  The others, whomever with sounds of children, switched on the lights even though the large-screen television was even better viewed without overhead lights.  A difference of preference but also indicative of the young man's and my subtler reasons for embracing hiddenness.

I've kept the young man and his needs, whatever they may be, in my heart all day and now into the night.  God bless him, and may Mary dispense whatever graces he is desiring and needing on this first day of new calendar year and new decade of temporal time and of our earthly lives.

An email came from the professor I had great privilege of being instructed by her expertise on John of the Cross, in Catholic University of Avila, summer of 2005.  She had emailed a review of The Phoenix of Rennes: the Life and Poetry of John of St. Samson.  The professor inquired about another written work she'd sent; but I have not received it, or have not located it, if it is in my laptop, anyway.  Her inquiry of a few days ago as to wanting an update of my health, I had answered, and thanked her for the review which is her excellent work, published. 

Yes, once again, God has provided, and on this day, Mary, as well, is giving me uplifting direction and guidance as to what is better and best for my mind, heart, and soul.  And in these, the body, also, is uplifted intrinsically. 

Jean du Moulin, or after he became a lay brother of the Carmelite Ancient Observance--John of St. Samson--was born into privilege, but at age 3 he became blind for life from effects of Small Pox. Despite blindness, he attended school and learned at least rudimentary Latin and French literature. At age 10, his parents died.  He moved in with his maternal uncle's family, and there discovered and developed his unusual musical talents.  By age 12 he was playing the organ in his birth town (Sens) church and had mastered several other instruments. 

Around age 15, Jean lived with an elder brother, in Paris.  In the nine years with his brother, Jean became spiritually immersed in prayer and other aspects of the spiritual life, to his great benefit.  By 1606,  his brother died.  Jean, age 25, was homeless, living on the streets of Paris. 

However, he heard of the Carmelites of the Ancient Observance and their reform in the post-reformation era; he was accepted (and desired by them!) as a lay brother, taking the name John of St. Samson.  He became a leader through his spiritual writings, his liturgical poetry, his musical talents shared, and also his ability to assist greatly in the Carmelite reform.

Well, I can attest to the fact that I delight and find inspiration and great hope in God from lives of those who suffered and yet persevered and produced positive good in their lives.  One of today's saints is St. Basil the Great, Doctor of the Church and Bishop, 4th c. and close friend of St. Gregory of Nazianzen.  St. Basil was known to have suffered greatly in his life--including by those who did not like his honesty in speaking and writing truth, when so many humans do not want to face realities or themselves.  He was a great proponent of exposing the Arian Heresy and helping to cause it's demise.

Off with my body to the pain doctor, due to thinking perhaps would be good to be referred to gastrointestinal specialist.  But no, instead there is another new medication to try.  The doctor still thinks the problem is something that can be reversed with trying this new type of medication.  We will find out tomorrow morning after Mass (praying can drive and sit and celebrate) when I go to pharmacy and find out, how much this one costs.  Similar to the other medication that did nothing and was shockingly high-cost.  I could not afford that, and especially not for a gamble since the sample did did not work.

The temporal world and our temporal bodies are ever to be dealt with as prayerfully and positively as possible. Such is what tethers us yet to this world when our hearts and minds and souls yearn for heaven.

I loved reading what St. Gertrude the Great wrote about her love of Mary, the Mother of God.  How I have been distracted by my bodily suffering and the distractions of sorrowful and negative persons and situations. Now is, after all, in temporal time and world, the beginning of a new decade!

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us!

Catholic Hermit: St. Servulus, Inspiring, Suffering, Victim Soul

I've found some information on St. Servulus, and this saint seems a much-needed friend and mentor currently.  I'm praying to have this man's strength of praising God and singing hymns of glory to God in my mind and heart of love.  The suffering of increased pain at increased levels is yet difficult for me to manage even with meds, so I look to St. Servulus to be here with me, inviting him to guide and inspire.  

While I know it takes time to adapt to increasing suffering, my desire as a hermit is to be of the law of God--the law of His Love--and simply, sincerely genuine.  This is definitely a phase in my spiritual life and as a consecrated Catholic hermit, as a friend, parent of adult children, and as a soul honed by years of pain yet still with plenty of sins and imperfections to be sanded and prayerfully, hopefully in God, polished smooth with the glow of my soul's finished product, all of God's grace and doing.

I know I have a way to go, that is for certain.  Yet each step, each day, each phase reflects the actualities of melding the challenges of personal temporal and spiritual life within the vehicle of my hermit vocation until that moment in which the Lord calls me from the temporal to be fully with Him in heaven. Servulus has a challenge in me, should he accept my invitation to dwell in whatever essence God allows, in Solus Deus Hermitage and in my heart.  Plenty of room for the angels and saints--and that includes my saintly ancestors and friends now on the other side!  Welcome here!

 Servulus was a beggar, and had been so afflicted with palsy from his infancy that he was never able to stand, sit upright, lift his hand to his mouth, or turn himself from one side to another. His mother and brother carried him into the porch of St. Clement's Church at Rome, where he lived on the alms of those that passed by.

        He used to entreat devout persons to read the Holy Scriptures to him, which he heard with such attention as to learn them by heart. His time he consecrated by assiduously singing hymns of praise and thanksgiving to God.

        

After several years thus spent, his distemper having seized his vitals, he felt his end was drawing nigh. In his last moments he desired the poor and pilgrims, who had often shared in his charity, to sing sacred hymns and psalms for him. While he joined his voice with theirs, he on a sudden cried out: "Silence! do you not hear the sweet melody and praise which resound in the heavens?" Soon after he spoke these words he expired, and his soul was carried by angels into everlasting bliss, about the year 590.

And this I found, also:

Saint Servulus of Rome

Invalid and Beggar
(† 670)

Saint Servulus of Rome

Saint Servulus was a perfect model of submission to the divine Will; it would be difficult to offer a more consoling example to persons afflicted by poverty, illnesses and the other miseries of life. It is Saint Gregory the Great who narrates for us his edifying story:

We have seen under the portico of the Church of Saint Clement, a poor man named Servulus, who is known to all the people of Rome as to Us. He was deprived of all the goods of this world; a long illness had reduced him to a pitiful state. From his youth he was paralyzed in all his members. Not only could he not stand up, but he was unable to rise from his bed; he could neither sit down nor turn himself from one side to the other, nor bring his hand to his mouth. Nothing in him was sound except his eyes, ears, tongue, stomach and entrails.

This unfortunate man, who had learned the mysteries of religion, meditated unceasingly on the sufferings of the Saviour, and never did he complain. He was surrounded by the loving care of his mother and brother. Neither the mother nor the children had ever studied, yet the paralytic had pious books bought for himself, in particular the Psalms and the Holy Gospels, and he would ask the religious who came to visit him on his cot to read from them to him. In this way he learned these books by heart; he spent days and part of the nights in singing or reciting them, and meditating them, and he constantly thanked the Lord for having taken him to be a victim associated with the pains and sufferings of Jesus Christ.

Many alms came to the little house of the paralytic, to such an extent that he became rich in his poverty. After having taken from these what was necessary for his subsistence and that of his mother, he gave the rest to the indigent, who often assembled around him to be edified by his words and his virtues. His bed of pain was a pulpit of preaching, from which he converted souls.

When the time came which was decreed by God to reward his patience and put an end to his painful life, Servulus felt the paralysis spreading to the vital parts of his body, and he prepared for death. At the final moment, he asked those in attendance to recite Psalms with him. Suddenly he cried out: Ah! Don't you hear that melody resounding in heaven?' At that moment his soul escaped from his body, which until his burial gave forth a marvelous fragrance.

Vie des Saints pour tous les jours de l'année, by Abbé L. Jaud (Mame: Tours, 1950).

Shared from this site:  https://sanctoral.com/en/saints/saint_servulus_of_rome.html

God bless His Real Presence in us, this Christmas Eve, 2019!

Catholic Hermit: Hermitage Advent

I've not written in a few days.  Mostly remaining here in Solus Deus Hermitage, but I've had medical appointments and situations with which to contend.  All is coming along, including the crown on molar, finally.  That was quite an ordeal, persevering with what turned out to be yet again the dentist's recently graduated dentist son.  I will not go into that, but I am praying for his future in dental practice, and am seeking another dentist.  

In the meantime I'm asking the Lord if the ordeal of persisting through belligerence and "tooth fairy tales" that are in direct opposition to truth, is due to this young man being an assignment for me?  I think praying will suffice unless the Lord gives me direct answer that I'm to deal with him for further dental work.  Whatever God wills, but in this situation, I yet have one remaining issue with the poorly fit crown, but will know in a couple weeks if there need be further repair work done or also get a second opinion on the crown itself.

Then there was an appointment with the pain doctor.  The intestines continue to not evidently get proper signals from nerves or else the pain at a point that the muscles autonomically clamp like a vice grip.  There is a medication for pain patients, and I was shown how to self-inject plus given sample of oral meds.  I need more of the medication, and the doctor did not send in script and now on vacation.  I may need to go to an urgent care to see if they will prescribe at least enough until January.  But the good news is that the pain doctor is going to begin the process for a pump to be surgically installed.  This can take a couple or three months, and first an external trial must be made--infusion into the spinal column area to check for adverse side effects.  That, also, is a ways off, but I'm so encouraged.

I had to go the emergency room in order to get an abdominal scan to rule out intestinal blockages.  We suspected there would be none, and thankful that is the case.  However, we now have to figure out what is the cause, if the medication that is supposed to counter pain medication side effect, is not going to be effective; and also if this situation that began now about five weeks ago, which is when I began trying to push myself to be up more, is an Adhesive Arachnoiditis symptom causing this.

Thus, this past week in Advent has been busy with doings out in the world, including a couple trips to the post office quite close to my hermitage, and a trip to a pharmacy for a prescription that was called in, and a trip to the DMV to get the truck registered and new plates.  Prayers are being answered with my being given more stamina and ability to manage more pain; I have been able to drive short distances and feel blessed by God and thankful for all the prayers people have prayed on my behalf.

Communion was brought yesterday morning, after I'd not had much sleep and was tempted to despair over the tooth and crown ordeal.  I'm never ceased with the miracle of Holy Communion:  after, peace and calm permeated my mind, heart, and spirit.  I could let go the upset and concern, and as well as the frustration and upset that an educated young man who is just beginning what could be a long and fruitful career, would have a flippant and dismissive attitude, saying anything to avoid trying to fix a problem, also as if his heart not in it.  

I could, after reception of His Real Presence in the tangible Host, turn my mind, heart, and spirit once more to Advent waiting and preparation for the celebration of Christ born among us: Christmas!  

There have been several consolations from the Lord this week, in the other-than-appointments a couple of days, silence of solitude.  And I suppose it seems not-so-silent to have classical music compositions of Masses, softly in background as I prayed while wrapping some gifts and getting them ready to ship, and while baking some historically family recipes, also to gift and ship.

Then there came a lengthy email from the person of whom I wondered if I'd somehow offended in some way.  Email had been hacked, and my email then did get through.  In the response, I have many prayer needs to be tending to in the person's large family.  A rare phone call the other afternoon:  a couple whom I'd been thinking about, who I've not seen in nearly seven years, called.  Well, one of them, with the other in the background.  

What a joy and blessing to hear the voice and find out how they are doing, for the wife has struggled with serious mental illness for years.  Her voice sounded so good, and they are managing as usual, despite the great and tragic handicap. Quite devout people, so the suffering is understood and accepted as the cross it is, but in a glorious, joyful, deeply loving way.  My having grown up as a Protestant, I have the benefit of a different, inspiring, reparative, and positive understanding of suffering that I did not possess, then.

Some Christmas cards have arrived, although not many as the transitions and surgery have absorbed time and energy.   I have a few more Christmas cards to finish notes and addressing, if possible, in the morning.  Over the years, given the deepening of my vocation and the unfolding nature of grasping the Lord's will, I've come to embrace further the attributes and aspects of hermit life.  The close contacts lessen, also with age, but perhaps more in God's choosing, and in whomever the Lord brings in the Order of the Present Moment.

Thus, I am considering what small celebratory tokens of gratitude to some of the neighbors might be.  And this Advent, I have been pondering the blessings and graces for which I cannot thank the Lord enough--so am gifting family as well as donate to such as the soup kitchen the Virgin Mary had me start over two decades ago--instructing me from a vision and locution within a lucid dream.  And that season of life was just prior to the Lord's calling me to the eremitic vocation.

Yes, this Advent here in Solus Deus Hermitage, has been a potpourri of pain, thoughts, prayers, meditation, contemplation, physical progress in stamina, and manifold blessings.  Advent waiting has been different than in the past several years; more is a sense of the unexpected, and calm and peace are evolving slowly, but surely.  

In the next few days, I will set up the small nativity set after I--God wiling my body able--tidy the living room. I might yet set up the small, artificial tree.  Or at least get exterior extension cords to the two wreaths with lights on them, to see if the lights work and be a spot of let-there-be light to add to the promising lights galore of neighborhood homes.

While preparing packages for gifting, thoughts turned to my spiritual da who passed away over 9 months ago, age 99.  I recall what I sent him last year, and of having visited him in person six months prior to that, although he still managed to write in response to my letters up until near the end of his time on earth.  He is near all the more, praying and encouraging, guiding and gently but firmly correcting. The hermit's degree of silence of solitude allows for such nuanced communication, rich and true.  There are others here with me, unseen but present and felt, in this hermitage and Advent.

Of course, this Advent I have continued to pray for the long-time friend and husband.  While I apologized, there has been no further contact coming from the person I so wounded and upset by my lack of self-control and unwitting harm.  No, I was not thinking at all other than to vent my concerns and opinions, in what has been nearly all my life my mode of catharsis:  writing.  Yet I lacked prudence and deeply hurt someone I very much care about.  So I continue to pray, and as Christmas draws near, my heart of prayers is very much with them across the many miles.

If I can possibly manage to drive plus stand in line for the hour, or else arrive an hour early and stand to wait for confession on Saturday afternoon, I will.  Otherwise, I called the parish a week ago to set up an appointment; the earliest time the priest has is January 16, 9:30 a.m.  In fact, his secretary is scheduling into March now, for his appointments.  I have asked God to forgive me for how deeply and perhaps in this life, irrevocably, hurt the person.  But sacramental confession I know will be a spiritually invaluable good for my soul and maybe in some mystical way, for the other.  

I am reminded while I wait for the confession appointment, to pray for more vocations to the priesthood, yet also to praise God for this incredibly talented, focused, orthodox, holy, gifted, very spiritual priest.  And I praise God for the rapidly growing parish--thousands of members, a school, and so many marvelous activities and opportunities for spiritual growth and learning, outreach to the poor and those in need, and too much more to describe--all centered around the Mass, the Scriptures, and the seven Sacraments.

This consecrated Catholic hermit's body is now tiring; the body pain high and the intestines a problem that might require an ER visit tomorrow; but I pray not.  

The hermitage Advent continues, with what is increasingly, patience in the waiting.  Am pondering the miracles in this week's readings from the Living Word--the Holy Scriptures, just in the past few days.  But truly, all the Scriptures speak to miracles--the miracle of all that God has created and continues to create, the Holy Spirit, the miracle of life,  the angels, of all those before us and those who will come after--prophets, saints, sinners-- the miracle of the Virgin Mary, and above all the miracle of the birth of Christ, His Son, our Redeemer and our Savior.

God bless His Real Presence with us!

Catholic Hermit: Ah, Perfect Living Word!

I finished writing/praying (meld into one) my mea culpa and continuing forth as I must live with my just consequences of wrong doings.  Ask God's forgiveness, and He forgives, as always.  And I think of Jesus saying (and as priests repeat Jesus' words if in sacramental confession), "Your sins are forgiven.  Go and sin no more."

It is the "Go and sin no more" that is difficult for us humans, especially such as this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit who is an old dog, not so easy to learn new tricks except by the grace of God, of course!  But the "go" Jesus tells us after we ask His forgiveness, means get on with your life.  You are cleansed and to be redeemed.  A fresh start is given us even if we do live with the life fallout of consequences that can be quite appropriate.  Embrace them.

God does not want sackcloth and ashes after we confess our sins and He forgives us, after we repent and desire to alter our ways and means of continuing on until our temporal forms full die to this life and we face Christ in a full review in which He points out that which we have not repented or what we have not seen to repent, or if we have not fully accepted the reality and consequences of our sins.

God wants us to go, and then also to "sin no more."  I think the "go" part can be quite difficult if our faith in God's forgiveness or if our acceptance of our sins and the consequences thereof is weak or partial.  Somehow, in my sins revealed and exposed--this time--I am better accepting God's grace in deeper faith of His forgiveness.  Somehow, I am able to embrace the peace of Christ and trust His cleansing grace of my being.  

(That is why God's forgiveness is penultimate; while I'd like to believe I can fully forgive, I know my human limitations, and do not trust myself.  Which reminds me of one time in sacramental confession years ago, a priest explained to me that even if "I" forgive someone, it is always God Who does the forgiving.  We do not have that perfection to forgive as God forgives; we require God's grace in order to forgive just as we require His grace in doing and being, thinking and feeling and breathing.  We are only anything because God is everything and the All to our nothing.)

However, Jesus saying "and sin no more" is a tough command and one that is unlikely to happen as long as we are in our mortal bodies on this temporal earth.  Yet, I always have a great desire to strive for that ideal:  to sin no more.  Even that desire is a grace from God.  I admit even that--I need His grace to be excited instead of downcast, to be filled with desire to not repeat this current sin exposed, to trust fully in Christ's grace, of God's cleansing my sins one by one and en masse, whichever in my self-knowledge to confess whatever sins over the years and in the hour of my death.

So the first Scripture reading of today's Mass, comes all the more real and gives me assurance of His grace and to simply keep going, to take what I'm learning and apply it in my vocation as a consecrated Catholic hermit, in my life as an aspiring Christian, and in my writing.  Read and absorb, on this new day, from the Book of Wisdom 11:22-12:2:

"Before the LORD the whole universe is as a grain from a balance
or a drop of morning dew come down upon the earth.
But You have mercy on on all, because You can do all things;
and You overlook people's sins that they may repent.
For You love all things that are
and loathe nothing that You have made;
for what You hated, You would not have fashioned.
And how could a thing remain, unless You willed it;
or be preserved, had it not been called forth by You?
But You spare all things, because they are Yours,
O LORD and lover of souls,
for Your imperishable spirit is in all things!
Therefore You rebuke offenders little by little,
warn them and remind them of the sins they are committing,
that they may abandon their wickedness and believe in You, O LORD!


Now to rise, dress, and go for a walk.  A little baby has been born on All Saints' Day of which we knew in the last month the infant would be born with a cleft palate, a mouth deformity.  The little fellow had always kept his hands up to his face in all prior scans.  I realize how beautiful an example, of the photo sent me of the infant, that he will have the gift of some surgeries over time, and his exterior will be made in keeping with what we humans are used to seeing as beautifully handsome, and the actual physical disability of difficulty eating and swallowing will also be corrected.  

All the while despite our human views of beauty and physical perfection, how much our interiors require examination and God's grace, and our desire to follow His will and simply keep going with joyous desiring to love God above all things and to love others as God loves, as He loves us.  I'll ponder this on the walk, plus ask the Lord to help me grasp aspects of the dream in whatever He wills in spiritual footsteps forward.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: New Hermit Anthem

The Mass reading for selected verses of Psalm 66 included the response:  "Blessed be God who filled my soul with fire."

I've accepted this refrain as an anthem for as long as helpful, for as long as it implants itself within my now-fire-filled soul.  I shared the praises of Psalm 66 with Angel, the woman who brought His Real Presence in the Host today.  I pointed out the ease of claiming Blessed be God who filled my soul with fire" as a loving strength to reassure us in our lives of prayer and praise--and for most, lives of temporal, good action.

As Angel left, I called out to her that this is past-tense; God has already filled our souls with fire!  Thus, as she hoped to be able to reach her elder mother who had called during the mother's one reprieve per week from a terribly controlling husband, I reminded Angel that our souls are filled with the fire of the Holy Spirit, the fire of God, the fire of the Son.  We are given in our souls all that fire imbues.

On this Solemnity of the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary, I have considered the sense of my physical, prayer, and spiritual life being rather fragmented for some time.  Increasing disability and pain prior to the spine surgery included trying to unpack and organize this hermitage, to begin painting a couple rooms, to have too-close-to-hermitage trees removed and for me to plant trees, shrubs, perennials--much of this prior to learning how serious was the spine issue.  

In other words, I feel as if my life is distracted and not under my will or discipline.

Of course it is not!  All the more, I am being shown by His Real Presence the detail to which God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit guide, rule, and every present moments.  Not even seeing the fragments in the days and nights am I to be disturbed with thoughts of not praying or praising enough, or that I doze off or distract to relax with music or documentaries, Indie films, British programs, bits of news on the laptop.  The goal to get this pained and healing body up, brace on, walker put to motion with walking in the house up to 8 times a day, is a priority in order to get past this period of recovery so that God can direct and guide what it is He wills of me to fulfill the mission He desires of me.

He is teaching me so much through Scriptures I've read many times over the years; but now the Living Words are coming alive in ways they'd not before.  All is flowing and filtering into a beautiful stream of which I am not quite yet capable of reaching with cupped hands to quench a thirst and wondering that is developing within as the hours and days and nights slowly merge one into the other.

Now this fire filling my soul--part of God's plan in leading me to more specifics of what He wants of me in fulfilling the mission?  I'd say so; it feels right, burning within me with great desire on my part and far more on His.

He's definitely not opening the doors to continue much in the construction activities--at least not for a year, and then if at all, very limited activity.  Again, if at all is more likely, and not at all as far as lifting lumber and windows, doors, tile backer board for shower and bathroom walls and floors.

All that the fire in this soul can burn away; ashes of memories of the past adventures--part of the previous phase, adventure.  Now is the moment of many moments to ponder this fire in my soul and for what its flames leap and light up what is next.

I've been pondering pain prayer and light as an aid to healing.  The evolving thoughts include that pain prayer is that which flows out of one's pain and suffering (of any type or form) and finds its way mystically to whatever source of need, known and unknown.

When Dr. H. called a week ago while he was on a road trip--perhaps first major trip since his wife passed--he mentioned light therapy and a young girl patient he had a few years ago.  Medical doctors and eye and brain specialists could find no cause for her problem of seeing different colored lights around people.  She had gone to her parents when around age 11 or so, as she realized other people did not see these colors around people.  With great concern, after all the other specialists could not diagnose her, they recommended psychological therapy.  Surely something was psychologically wrong with the child.

Quickly enough, Dr. H. realized the girl had the gift of seeing auras--colors of light that emanate from our bodies and beings based upon various aspects of energy, thought, emotion, sickness, health.  Yes, he explained to her that it is a gift, and what a helpful one, at that.  However, as he has found with other children who are the most likely to be able to see auras of light, naturally, they tend to outgrow it in teen years.  Dr. H. is interested in studying this phenomenon more, as he thinks it would be of benefit to somehow not lose that gift.

As part of our phone discussion, Dr. H. asked that with all this time I have in the silence and solitude of healing, surely I spend time focusing my mind on utilizing various colors of light and image them into such as my spine for healing?  I explained that I have become lazy!  I have come to consider, over the years, that it does not seem that I need a lot of effort.  (For he is aware of mystical experiences and the mystical ecstasy.)  I reminded him that none of these experiences come at all from me, or from my focus or effort--no, not at all.

It seems more that I have grasped the truth of Jesus saying, "Take my yoke upon you; my yoke is easy and my burden light.  I need to desire, to love, to avail myself of His Real Presence--the Holy Trinity--and allow God to utilize me in whatever way.  Where I am slipping, it seems to me, is in distraction rather than quietly and simply availing myself to God.  

After our phone conversation, I considered how, yes, over the years I do not seek experiences; and even if such as with exploring pain praying, I do not "try" to "do" anything.  I just rest in the silence, and ponder, and try to listen and be aware with the inner senses, of anything heard or visual, felt or otherwise.  It does seem haphazard, perhaps, but I trust in the Trinity, I seek Christ, God, the Holy Spirit; I seek the Three-In-One with my heart, with love--as best I know to seek with love and with whatever all love means and is.  In essence, I suppose, I seek God of Whom I am in, with God Who Is within me.

I am in too much pain to think hard, to work hard, to even suffer hard.  I figure I'm in the yoke with Jesus, and He is leading and I am following along.  Yoke easy, burden is light.

So today (or was it last night?) I was told from within what now I know is the fire filling my soul, that "Pain is not the enemy; suffering is not the enemy.  Death is not the enemy."  

Certainly puts into proper context and perspective whether or not a body will be able to bend anymore or lift more than 10 pounds.  Whatever of sufferings minor or not minor, those aspects are not the enemy.  Pain is not the enemy, so why treat it as such?  Take care of the pain charitably; tone it down with whatever aids available, within temporal parameters.  Do not desire to beat it out or eradicate it.  

If pain is meant to leave for a time, that is lovely.  But know that while on this earth, we will not be without earthly pain.  There are all types and manner of earthly suffering--body, mind, heart, spirit suffering.  Even in a sudden death, there will be a leave-taking of soul from body, and that could include some degree of some flash of pain or a grieving of the separation.

I'm not suggesting that we do not grieve when a loved one suffers, is in pain, dies.  But pain or suffering or death are not the enemy.

I texted Dr. H. the reality of pain, suffering, death not being the enemy.  I'm not sure how he'll view this truth.  I'm admiring its various facets as I write.  I also texted that pain, suffering, death are opportunities, are the loving means of the soul's growth.

I'm considering the elderly friend who was allowed to leave his body after 94 years and the last 20 months without functioning mind and body.  Yet his children, in their mid-60's, Christian and Catholic, had a struggle in letting him go.  They even tried force feeding him after he could no longer swallow.  

So there we conjecture that death must have seemed the enemy to their emotions and thinking.  God did have a doctor put a quick stop to that dangerous force-feeding, and God freed the man a couple nights later.  The man "slept away," as his wife wrote of the peaceful and celebratory event. 

As for light therapy, the morning after the phone conversation with Dr. H., I noticed in Scripture Jesus saying, "If you follow me and are my disciples, you will be given the light of life."  That is the light I'm seeking, of which I'm interested and curious and desire with all my now fire-filled soul.  The most I've sensed thus far, of any tangible quality, is that maybe the light of life is white-silver brightness, or maybe it is a full spectrum of intermingled and fused light colors possible in God's creation of light.  And I do still ask, "Is the light of life the same as the light of Christ?  After all, Christ is our life, right?

Blessed be God who has filled my (and your?) soul with fire!  God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: A Great Psalm for Today

Actually, I considered this Psalm from Mass readings, yesterday.  But it is even more meaningful today!  I'm practicing "pain praying" which is evolving from an insight given at some point in this post-op, lengthy recovery.  There is much pain to be utilized, harnessed, for the power that it provides; and pain praying thus has come to be.  Still not sure how it occurs; I'm open to all that.

Praising God, however, is very much a part of pain praying as it ought be for all forms of prayer.  I just don't praise God nearly enough!  I've been reminded of some marvelous young people in the past couple of days.  One was the shower aide who is employed by a hospital system's health care unit.  While talking with her of her life, I realized what a lovely soul, devout, head solid on her shoulders, priorities set, planning her education, altering her career goals after realizing dental hygienist is her niche rather than nursing.

She really did not have problems to pray about, nor urgent needs.  She is one of the many we probably encounter who ought be praise persons--those we place before His Real Presence and offer praise for their lives, for their usage of the gifts of the Holy Spirit given them.  Another was mentioned to be in a phone call.  A young man, this time, who struggled to find a career path but has found it, and remains faithful and true to Christ but also prudent and diligent in navigating the temporal world.

The elderly man passed on three nights ago.  He "slept away" and is now free from the dementia that afflicted his memory and free of the 94-year-old body that declined to a point of palliative care to keep him comfortable until his last breath, so peaceful, so gentle.  The celebrations of his life on earth and his birthday into eternal, mystical life is commencing!  Praise worthy, is death.  Death and suffering are not our enemies.  They are opportunities; they are means of progression.

Thus this Psalm brings our souls to that higher level of communicating with God, just as poetry, art, and music are higher levels of expression requiring unique aspects of the brain function.  Due to my lowering the pain meds another 25% and having physical therapist here this morning, my pain is up which will be good for exploring pain praying yet again.  

I will incorporate praising God into whatever it is with pain praying that helps me understand or grasp the actuality of what is pain prayer.  Still very much evolving, as is my soul, as is my physical body in the healing process, as is my greater acceptance of what my body's physical limitations are going to be.  

Today am told I will have lifting limitations, of course the bending restriction, but any movements that will cause the upper back to put any pressure or compaction on the lower back will be "out".  Well, the various movements such as painting walls due to bending down and twisting will be out of bounds unless I want more back surgery, that is, and then more restrictions. I may not be updating this hermitage, not even in a year, unless hiring it done.  That defeats the purpose of the creative, contemplative, ora et labora (pray and work).

I'm finding that working on reaching the goal of getting up 8 times a day with the lowered pain meds is quite the challenge.  I may have to increase the pain meds somewhat as the getting up, walking, being upright for 7-8 minutes at a time is maximum for the body, currently.  Better to be able to be up than to lower the meds this soon after last week lowering them.

Well, time to "do" and "say" and "be" as these portions of Psalm 66 exhort!

[I just noticed when writing to an elderly couple who have been adapting to a nursing facility after their own home--that this Psalm had a response to it, taken from parts of the Psalm.  The response is "Blessed be God who filled my soul with fire!"  I certainly perked up with this proclamation!  I do indeed need or must consider that it is already--my soul--filled with the fire of the Holy Spirit, the fire of God!  Need that fire, we do, to live out our earthly lives in Christ Jesus!]

Shout joyfully to God, all the earth;
sing praise to the glory of his name;
proclaim his glorious praise.
say to God: "How tremendous are your deeds!"

Come and see the works of God,
his tremendous deeds among the children of Adam.
Bless our God, you peoples;
loudly sound his praise.

Hear now, all you who fear God, while I declare
what he has done for me.
When I appealed to him in words,
praise was on the tip of my tongue.

~ Ps 66:1-3a, 5, and 8:16-17

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: Of Hermit Prayer Value

The following selection from The Catechism of the Catholic Church (2793) provides beautiful substance especially for a Catholic hermit's purposeful prayer life.  When people--even Catholics who are not necessarily familiar with the eremitic vocation--have the misconception that hermits are recluses, do not "interact" with people, an answer resides within the first two words of The Lord's Prayer.

"The baptized cannot pray to 'our' Father without bringing before him all those for whom he gave his beloved Son.  God's love has no bounds, neither should our prayer.  Praying 'our' Father opens to us the dimensions of his love revealed in Christ: praying with and for all who do not yet know him, so that Christ may 'gather into one the children of God.'  God's care for all men and for the whole creation has inspired all the great practitioners of prayer; it should extend our prayer to the full breadth of love whenever we dare to say 'our' Father.

I love how the above selection is worded!  Just yesterday I asked the Lord to pour His abundant graces upon me that I might pray for others and praise God for and in others with that bountiful generosity that flows from His Real Presence and would allow me to become a "cheerful giver."  I want to sow bountifully in my daily and nightly life as a consecrated Catholic hermit.

Last evening a spiritual friend called.  There are many prayer concerns within that single conversation.  After, I wondered if I would--or even could--pray with depth for those mentioned, some unknown to me other than through hearing of them over time through this spiritual friend.  Then I considered the many people out there and all over the world who are experiencing some of the same trials in life as the persons mentioned who are in this friend's family and extended family.

In reading this selection just a bit ago, from The Catechism, the answer in part is before me.  I still must give to the Lord my attention, my body, mind, heart, and spirit more fully this day.  I awoke after a most blessed 8 hours of sleep!  Yes, the body was on the verge of shaking with pain, but there is a strength, also.  I decided upon this intangible strength to try to cut back another 25% of one of the pain meds.  I will see how it goes.  Perhaps cut back every other medication time.

I considered how yesterday the occupational therapist chided me, so necessarily, when I started to slightly turn at the waist.  She was walking with me to see how I managed with walker to make a cup of coffee.  When one stands at a counter, with a reach to the right or left, the automatic movement is to slightly turn at the waist to reach and grab.  Well, I am no longer supposed to do that, for I am fused from tailbone through the lumbar.  I must not at all twist at the waist.

Then she taught me how to do a shower "transfer," and the big lesson how to turn on the shower water with the hand sprayer not facing me, so that then I would remove the brace.  But I made another error.  I did not sit on the shower chair but rather trusted in standing to remove the brace without holding onto a shower grab bar.  And once more, I started to twist ever so slightly in another task, without thinking.  I am to think before movements  I must always turn my feet to face whatever task and never turn at the waist to do so.

After I had "walkered" back to the bed, perched with walker in front of me and removed the brace, then log-rolled onto the bed, she discussed with me some of the future.  I had not thought through in much detail, another change of movement I must learn.  The OT (Occupational Therapist) said I will need to either learn to always squat with spine straight in order to pick up something from floor, or I will need to use the reacher-grabber tool--a stick-type mechanism with a claw at the end that opens and closes to pick up items so that a person does not bend at the waist.

During the day yesterday, I kind of let the reality sink in, that gardening and doing various projects and simple daily life tasks are going to require a major change in how this temporal body moves and operates.  Doing a straight-spined squat at my age is going to require remarkable leg strength and body core strength.  Older people tend to have difficulty just in standing up from being seated on a chair without using the arms of the chair to help shove upward. Arms of a chair or the seat itself are used to help the body into a sitting position.  My, this is not going to be easy!

I considered how in the past couple or so years when doing so much manual labor at the previous hermitage, that I began to notice I could work hard one day (climbing ladders, mowing 2/3 acre with walk behind mower) and my legs would be so sore!  But I'd do more manual labor using the legs the next day or after, and I'd be just as sore.  The nurse who'd come yesterday told me it has to do with "muscle memory" not as good the older we get.

All the more, then, this morning's Catechism selection is an answer for my desire to fulfill my mission in life, of which my vocation plays an important part, of course.  And a main aspect of my vocation is prayer and praising God.  I'd been pondering 2 Cor 9:6-10 [see recent blog posts]; and I know my prayer life is always in need of improvement.  

The Lord is now providing me with a transition from being able to be active in tasks about the hermitage to being mostly bed-ridden during recovery from the spine surgery.  After three weeks post-op, the reality is settling in as to the depth and breadth of how incrementally slow is this recovery.  And now I am realizing the importance of changing some basic aspects of otherwise automatic body movements.

And with that transition, the Lord is also teaching me the importance of some basic aspects of otherwise automatic prayer "movements."  How beautiful is that?  I had wondered last night how the Lord would provide for me the abundance of all necessary to sow bountifully in my hermit life.  Here's a first start of what He is providing.  The value of praying the "Our Father" is extended and expanded in meaning and purpose.  The "our" in "our Father" opens up new dimensions as to who and what is included in the "our" of God.

I'm quite excited.  There is nothing more exciting than when we recognize God pouring in graces, and quite quickly in response to our communicating with Him that we need His help, need those graces to better fulfill our vocations and ultimately fulfill the purpose for which He has us here on earth.

(And I have no doubt that God will also help me learn to change life-long, ingrained, body movements that now are necessary to forget in order to accommodate a now unbendable and untwistable body at the waist.  It is rather minor, that.  The only problem if I do not learn the changes is the next levels of my spine will be impacted, requiring more levels to be fused and instrumentation extended.  Truly, people around us have to forget and relearn far more than I do, in their temporal bodies after life-altering events occur.)

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: Deeper Conversions, Surrender, Increasing Blind Faith

I began the morning noticing and reading this excerpt from Catechism of the Catholic Church:

2712 Contemplative prayer is the prayer of the child of God, of the forgiven sinner who agrees to welcome the love by which he is loved and who wants to respond to it by loving even more.  But he knows that the love he is returning is poured out by the Spirit in his heart, for everything is grace from God.  Contemplative prayer is the poor and humble surrender to the loving will of the Father in ever deeper union with His beloved Son.

On a perhaps a more temporal level, yet with the spiritual ideal inherent deeply in my intention and desire, it is that spirit of contemplative prayer with which I love to garden--to plant with love and delight the glorious trees, shrubs, and flowers, herbs and vegetables that God has created.  It is to me like taking the love through flora poured out by the Spirit and returning this love to His Real Presence in a redounding of beauty, peace, and glory of life that grows and gives without taking other but some sunshine, air, water, and nutrients of the earth.

So in this sense, for me gardening is partly contemplative prayer.  Yet there is another deeper aspect of contemplative prayer, of course, that is more purely the receptiveness to God's love, then returning that love by means of the Holy Spirit within us, reflecting and propelling that love to God--while often others are recipients of the glow or afterglow of such love given by God, permeating our beings, and returned to God in a constant flow of exchange like breathing, or like photosynthesis in plants and trees.

Such contemplative prayer is often autonomic in nature; we do not notice it occurring, so natural it is.  Yet in other settings or situations, we sometimes are made aware of what is occurring, what is transpiring that is so incredibly holy and spiritual and supernatural!  Praise God for the knowing and the unknowing of how His love fills us--indwells and binds us to His Real Presence in ways inexplicable other than similarities to what is glorious in our temporal realm yet dims compared to the glory of His love breathing and pulsating in union with God.

That ever deeper union through the "poor and humble surrender to the loving will of the Father" as stated above from The Catechism selection, reminded me of the humility that my late spiritual da was talking to me about last Sunday night--my first time to consciously recognize his voice since his passing from this world on St. Patrick's Day.

Humility is crucially important in our lives both temporally and spiritually.  And within the past day or so, I've come to realize through the answered prayers of deeper conversion, that full surrender is necessary, also.

I have been through a type of nightmare with the medical situation this week--leg giving out, calling in the symptom, being told would have surgery Friday, then not.  Then discovering weak links and misleading information from the young physician's assistant for the osteoporosis dept., and that my bone situation is not at the level that he'd said nor am I high risk of bone fracture--yet not far from that designation.  

But all this has stopped my needed spinal surgery, and then when I discovered he is just recently graduated with his master's degree equivalent, and is routinized in dogged pursuit of a medication that is too costly plus main side effect is what would not be good for my situation--well, more frustration.  He is referred to as "Doctor S" when he is not at all a doctor.  Dishonesty does not help my lack of confidence in his ability to manage my bone health.  And still no medications to help.

Then I found out that one of the surgeon's physician assistants is the one who basically decides if and when I will have surgery, based upon her recommendation to the surgeon for his final say.  He is unlikely to do surgery if his PA says we must wait the results of yet another test I was asked to do which will eat up another week.

At least my pain doctor has told me what will happen and could at any time:  loss of leg mobility that does not return (as did my left leg regain feeling after a day of rest a few days ago), and loss of continence.  I will be wheel-chair bound, but he assured me there are reclining wheelchairs but I'll still have pain--going up the spine and will have the constant headaches from the spinal fluid leak years ago.

All that does not help when I thought the surgeon's nurse was going to ask the surgeon upon his return on Friday, if it is true that my bones are such that surgery will NOT be successful.  (This is what his PA told me on Tuesday, which was not what the surgeon had told me two weeks ago when he said he'd do the surgery this past week but wanted me to at least be in process in the osteo clinic.)

The nurse did not ask the surgeon, but said that the PA will be reviewing "Dr. S'" (not a doctor, a very young and inexperienced PA) notes based on whatever results from this additional test done of which I already know that if positive result, an oral med will handle it, but most likely will not be as he is curious it might be.  Certain people in various demographics and age range, gender, develop weaker bones--and that includes people with intractable spine pain who increasingly cannot be active to build bone the natural way.

More than frustrating!  At least I took action yesterday and got the doctor I saw last fall who referred me to pain doctor, to give a referral to a group of three MD's with advanced post-doctoral and post medical degree training, such as at Cleveland Clinic, in bone health and have some "miles on their engines" in experience.  Of course, my taking this action may bother the surgeon's PA, as it might be construed as a non-cooperative patient.  No, I just know when I am not getting helpful care, and my surgery is being held up by the young man who does not have a doctorate.

In the meantime, I've tried to be up and doing some bits of gardening which is slow and difficult--and kind of discouraging given how I can tell how much I've declined even in the last month.  Yet, in the praying and wondering about how strange all the delay is, and in wondering how it can be that two PA's basically have my surgery held hostage, I considered praying again for deeper conversion of my mind, heart, and spirit, to draw closer to Christ, to His Real Presence:  Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

It was then that I could more perceive another view of this matter.  Perhaps the surgery is not being held back so much by two PA's but by God.  Perhaps for some reason, the effects of the surgery which is going to be a challenge for the surgeon in one part of it even if the stenosis part alone would not be as tricky, the outcome would be worse than if I became a paraplegic from lumbar spine down.

Also, a pre-cancerous skin spot on face was "zapped" with that freezing blast of whatever it is dermatologists use for such procedures.  This was three weeks ago.  But something was not right with part of the zapped larger area not healing correctly.  I finally had the time and not in a pain siege or dealing with the numb leg and PA's, to get back to the dermatologist who said a cancer has formed, he's pretty sure.  So he did a biopsy then and there.

Once the results back early this next week, he said he will discuss what procedure necessary.  He just about did not do the biopsy for concern of infection causing the neurosurgeon to not do my spine surgery!  I told him not to worry, I'd all but given up that I will ever have the surgery but will lose mobility first!

Then when in closer to Christ, the Holy Spirit, and God the Father, the reality of this came, that God knows all--past, present, and future.  The skin cancer that came up so suddenly would possibly get out of hand requiring more extensive correction if put off.  That process seems to be flowing as it should, whereas the spine surgery is delayed even though I was still on surgery roster for yesterday.

I ended up praying and offering a full surrender to the will of God last night, although it is not easy to consider that God may find paralysis better than the results of spine surgery.  The spine surgery could perhaps mean even more pain than what is already which has truncated my ability to function as well as to focus much on spiritual reading of depth, or to be marginally active, or even to be able to sit through Mass this evening.

I'd stood in line for confession rather than sit and cause that added pain from sitting; and my left leg started to go numb again by the time I got into confession.  The priest had suggested I ask the Lord what is my mission to fulfill, specifically, and to do that during Mass--as it is of on-going concern to me that I am not fulfilling my mission of which could be suffering (well) but also writing and sharing more, of which how much more, and in what venue or genre?

The priest realized my pain predicament and said God knows I'm doing the best I can.  I will see what the morning brings with pain, but it seems most prudent to hope for Monday morning Mass which will be half as long as a weekend Mass.  Less sitting, less pain, and I won't be going into it with a numb left leg of which I had no idea if it would ease up, or not, during or after Mass.

As to what all this has to do with being a consecrated Catholic hermit (privately professed as most of you readers know and understand the difference between canonically approved and privately professed, traditional hermits--both in the consecrated life of the Church but with the canonical type essentially a recent option compared to centuries' worth of privately professed as the only type of hermits until the 20th century).

Well, as I told the priest, ever since pain siege before last and I had the insight of the power and efficacy of praying for deeper conversions for self and all others, there has been much movement in my life--spiritual and otherwise.  (They are connected, after all.)  So my life as a hermit has also become busy with medical appointments--including the ophthalmologist to check on the glaucoma in the eyes.  Then there is, or was, the kind of "death watch" of when my legs will give out and stay out, or when I will lose continence fully.

My hermit life now, my daily life of silence of solitude, has been infiltrated--has been attacked it seems to me--by intrusions of the type that I must go out and insert myself into the world of people "doctoring."  So it is, that I have tried to witness when with others in either a silent but visible way, or in kindnesses to employees and medical staff, or if it is in feeling the Holy Spirit to nudge me to share even my death experience in 1987.

However, I had lost my kindliness in part, with the surgeon's staff, in trying to advocate for truth in the facts that were being twisted some, and in the facts about various medications that I should not have to be telling physician assistants what they are for or what are their side effects that would oppose the very concern that now the young osteo PA is chasing after with the latest test.

I did apologize, though, in phone voicemails and then when one did call for another reason, I apologized directly for snapping and being rude or insulting. 

Yes, the priest is right, that I am doing my best--but for not doing my best in stopping the "easy" distractions of listening to this or that through my little window to the world in this laptop.  At least I've begun listening to and watching such as the movie now, of St. John Bosco available through most USA parishes with downloading "formed.org".

I'm still like a cat on an electric fence with pain, and my clickity-clacking of typing so many letters that make words, is evidence of that.  I'll stop!  Such are the challenges in my hermit vocation of this present moment, of one health upheaval and responsibility after another, all of which I must fully surrender to the will and judgment of His Real Presence.

God bless His Real Presence in us!