I began the morning noticing and reading this excerpt from Catechism of the Catholic Church:
2712 Contemplative prayer is the prayer of the child of God, of the forgiven sinner who agrees to welcome the love by which he is loved and who wants to respond to it by loving even more. But he knows that the love he is returning is poured out by the Spirit in his heart, for everything is grace from God. Contemplative prayer is the poor and humble surrender to the loving will of the Father in ever deeper union with His beloved Son.
On a perhaps a more temporal level, yet with the spiritual ideal inherent deeply in my intention and desire, it is that spirit of contemplative prayer with which I love to garden--to plant with love and delight the glorious trees, shrubs, and flowers, herbs and vegetables that God has created. It is to me like taking the love through flora poured out by the Spirit and returning this love to His Real Presence in a redounding of beauty, peace, and glory of life that grows and gives without taking other but some sunshine, air, water, and nutrients of the earth.
So in this sense, for me gardening is partly contemplative prayer. Yet there is another deeper aspect of contemplative prayer, of course, that is more purely the receptiveness to God's love, then returning that love by means of the Holy Spirit within us, reflecting and propelling that love to God--while often others are recipients of the glow or afterglow of such love given by God, permeating our beings, and returned to God in a constant flow of exchange like breathing, or like photosynthesis in plants and trees.
Such contemplative prayer is often autonomic in nature; we do not notice it occurring, so natural it is. Yet in other settings or situations, we sometimes are made aware of what is occurring, what is transpiring that is so incredibly holy and spiritual and supernatural! Praise God for the knowing and the unknowing of how His love fills us--indwells and binds us to His Real Presence in ways inexplicable other than similarities to what is glorious in our temporal realm yet dims compared to the glory of His love breathing and pulsating in union with God.
That ever deeper union through the "poor and humble surrender to the loving will of the Father" as stated above from The Catechism selection, reminded me of the humility that my late spiritual da was talking to me about last Sunday night--my first time to consciously recognize his voice since his passing from this world on St. Patrick's Day.
Humility is crucially important in our lives both temporally and spiritually. And within the past day or so, I've come to realize through the answered prayers of deeper conversion, that full surrender is necessary, also.
I have been through a type of nightmare with the medical situation this week--leg giving out, calling in the symptom, being told would have surgery Friday, then not. Then discovering weak links and misleading information from the young physician's assistant for the osteoporosis dept., and that my bone situation is not at the level that he'd said nor am I high risk of bone fracture--yet not far from that designation.
But all this has stopped my needed spinal surgery, and then when I discovered he is just recently graduated with his master's degree equivalent, and is routinized in dogged pursuit of a medication that is too costly plus main side effect is what would not be good for my situation--well, more frustration. He is referred to as "Doctor S" when he is not at all a doctor. Dishonesty does not help my lack of confidence in his ability to manage my bone health. And still no medications to help.
Then I found out that one of the surgeon's physician assistants is the one who basically decides if and when I will have surgery, based upon her recommendation to the surgeon for his final say. He is unlikely to do surgery if his PA says we must wait the results of yet another test I was asked to do which will eat up another week.
At least my pain doctor has told me what will happen and could at any time: loss of leg mobility that does not return (as did my left leg regain feeling after a day of rest a few days ago), and loss of continence. I will be wheel-chair bound, but he assured me there are reclining wheelchairs but I'll still have pain--going up the spine and will have the constant headaches from the spinal fluid leak years ago.
All that does not help when I thought the surgeon's nurse was going to ask the surgeon upon his return on Friday, if it is true that my bones are such that surgery will NOT be successful. (This is what his PA told me on Tuesday, which was not what the surgeon had told me two weeks ago when he said he'd do the surgery this past week but wanted me to at least be in process in the osteo clinic.)
The nurse did not ask the surgeon, but said that the PA will be reviewing "Dr. S'" (not a doctor, a very young and inexperienced PA) notes based on whatever results from this additional test done of which I already know that if positive result, an oral med will handle it, but most likely will not be as he is curious it might be. Certain people in various demographics and age range, gender, develop weaker bones--and that includes people with intractable spine pain who increasingly cannot be active to build bone the natural way.
More than frustrating! At least I took action yesterday and got the doctor I saw last fall who referred me to pain doctor, to give a referral to a group of three MD's with advanced post-doctoral and post medical degree training, such as at Cleveland Clinic, in bone health and have some "miles on their engines" in experience. Of course, my taking this action may bother the surgeon's PA, as it might be construed as a non-cooperative patient. No, I just know when I am not getting helpful care, and my surgery is being held up by the young man who does not have a doctorate.
In the meantime, I've tried to be up and doing some bits of gardening which is slow and difficult--and kind of discouraging given how I can tell how much I've declined even in the last month. Yet, in the praying and wondering about how strange all the delay is, and in wondering how it can be that two PA's basically have my surgery held hostage, I considered praying again for deeper conversion of my mind, heart, and spirit, to draw closer to Christ, to His Real Presence: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
It was then that I could more perceive another view of this matter. Perhaps the surgery is not being held back so much by two PA's but by God. Perhaps for some reason, the effects of the surgery which is going to be a challenge for the surgeon in one part of it even if the stenosis part alone would not be as tricky, the outcome would be worse than if I became a paraplegic from lumbar spine down.
Also, a pre-cancerous skin spot on face was "zapped" with that freezing blast of whatever it is dermatologists use for such procedures. This was three weeks ago. But something was not right with part of the zapped larger area not healing correctly. I finally had the time and not in a pain siege or dealing with the numb leg and PA's, to get back to the dermatologist who said a cancer has formed, he's pretty sure. So he did a biopsy then and there.
Once the results back early this next week, he said he will discuss what procedure necessary. He just about did not do the biopsy for concern of infection causing the neurosurgeon to not do my spine surgery! I told him not to worry, I'd all but given up that I will ever have the surgery but will lose mobility first!
Then when in closer to Christ, the Holy Spirit, and God the Father, the reality of this came, that God knows all--past, present, and future. The skin cancer that came up so suddenly would possibly get out of hand requiring more extensive correction if put off. That process seems to be flowing as it should, whereas the spine surgery is delayed even though I was still on surgery roster for yesterday.
I ended up praying and offering a full surrender to the will of God last night, although it is not easy to consider that God may find paralysis better than the results of spine surgery. The spine surgery could perhaps mean even more pain than what is already which has truncated my ability to function as well as to focus much on spiritual reading of depth, or to be marginally active, or even to be able to sit through Mass this evening.
I'd stood in line for confession rather than sit and cause that added pain from sitting; and my left leg started to go numb again by the time I got into confession. The priest had suggested I ask the Lord what is my mission to fulfill, specifically, and to do that during Mass--as it is of on-going concern to me that I am not fulfilling my mission of which could be suffering (well) but also writing and sharing more, of which how much more, and in what venue or genre?
The priest realized my pain predicament and said God knows I'm doing the best I can. I will see what the morning brings with pain, but it seems most prudent to hope for Monday morning Mass which will be half as long as a weekend Mass. Less sitting, less pain, and I won't be going into it with a numb left leg of which I had no idea if it would ease up, or not, during or after Mass.
As to what all this has to do with being a consecrated Catholic hermit (privately professed as most of you readers know and understand the difference between canonically approved and privately professed, traditional hermits--both in the consecrated life of the Church but with the canonical type essentially a recent option compared to centuries' worth of privately professed as the only type of hermits until the 20th century).
Well, as I told the priest, ever since pain siege before last and I had the insight of the power and efficacy of praying for deeper conversions for self and all others, there has been much movement in my life--spiritual and otherwise. (They are connected, after all.) So my life as a hermit has also become busy with medical appointments--including the ophthalmologist to check on the glaucoma in the eyes. Then there is, or was, the kind of "death watch" of when my legs will give out and stay out, or when I will lose continence fully.
My hermit life now, my daily life of silence of solitude, has been infiltrated--has been attacked it seems to me--by intrusions of the type that I must go out and insert myself into the world of people "doctoring." So it is, that I have tried to witness when with others in either a silent but visible way, or in kindnesses to employees and medical staff, or if it is in feeling the Holy Spirit to nudge me to share even my death experience in 1987.
However, I had lost my kindliness in part, with the surgeon's staff, in trying to advocate for truth in the facts that were being twisted some, and in the facts about various medications that I should not have to be telling physician assistants what they are for or what are their side effects that would oppose the very concern that now the young osteo PA is chasing after with the latest test.
I did apologize, though, in phone voicemails and then when one did call for another reason, I apologized directly for snapping and being rude or insulting.
Yes, the priest is right, that I am doing my best--but for not doing my best in stopping the "easy" distractions of listening to this or that through my little window to the world in this laptop. At least I've begun listening to and watching such as the movie now, of St. John Bosco available through most USA parishes with downloading "formed.org".
I'm still like a cat on an electric fence with pain, and my clickity-clacking of typing so many letters that make words, is evidence of that. I'll stop! Such are the challenges in my hermit vocation of this present moment, of one health upheaval and responsibility after another, all of which I must fully surrender to the will and judgment of His Real Presence.
God bless His Real Presence in us!
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