So much good transpired today in this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit's refocus and full-throttle ahead in the Lord!
I will write more, perhaps tomorrow, on: today's meeting with the hermit priest, the unexpected but spiritual encouragement in conversation with a Home Depot Exteriors employee who came to give estimate on front door install, as well as the way in which the devil went awry--after an edifying and unexpected, glorious discussion with my new spiritual director. (I am heartily convinced that my late Spiritual Da arranged this hermit-priest as spiritual director, with Jesus, of course!)
But first thing this morning I was able to go to Mass, and the day chapel was empty and cozy and private which made the Mass and spiritual experience quite rich in His Real Presence. After, I did not go to the large social hall where probably two hundred Mass attendees gather for coffee and donuts after Monday morning Mass.
May seem odd that I mention this detail, for Mass was supernal as always. And I recall from the homily based upon the First Reading from 1 Samuel a point that the priest made of which I want to incorporate in a separate blog post, for it pertains to self-deception, deceiving others, and under the guise and term of "manipulation."
However, in the opening up of my spiritual life within my hermit vocation, and positivity in the present moment with forward momentum purposeful in Christ, the Lord has made it clear in the detail of the Monday morning coffee and donut gathering: Not for His hermit. Yes, it is a lovely occasion to gather and meet parishioners, to get to know one another, to have a hot cup of coffee and bites and halves of various and sundry donuts, muffins, and cinnamon rolls served by joyful volunteers.
Last week I joined in, and from the first of listening to the conversation and then of the wonderfully kind and Christian others at the table, was asked questions--I realized I was as if a fish out of water, and that this was no place for me as a hermit, mystic, victim soul or any one or combination therein. Yes, I benefitted from prayer needs of the most wonderful parishioners at the table, but it was as if a humorous extreme of what topics were the least expected, and contrary to what I could or should discuss--as even in the temporal and innocent comments they were making on a topic they'd been discussing when I joined them (they welcomed me to their table--marvelously friendly Catholic Christians!), I could no more join in simply due to my input would be contrary to what they thought was factual.
[I will pray about if I should share the specifics of the conversation topic, but I think for now not really necessary to share the topic. The point is just how odd to the extreme, that the initial conversation at the table was something that I know from experience so well, but the persons discussing were convinced in what they were stating as fact--which was extra sad because as a result, someone they knew was bearing a painful cross that was not at all necessary to be borne! Yet I knew it best to keep my mouth shut, for their minds were set even if set factually incorrectly. I knew I could only pray for the person, not present there, but very much suffering.]
Too much to explain. Just know that it was uncanny--totally uncanny--that of all topics, they would be discussing with errant understanding of a temporal subject matter, something that is integral to my existence and of which I have lived experience and first-hand knowledge of said topic. Furthermore, if they knew, they would be horrified in a way, for what they were discussing as facts--and sincerely so, truly--were actually false information. I was stunned by how odd--what were the odds--of that particular subject matter and of which I could not say a peep without causing consternation! The Lord makes His point often with such irony as to be surprising yet humorous!
Then, of course, the delightful and loving fellow parishioners at the table introduced themselves in welcoming fashion, and one who seemed to be more in a natural leader role, suggested various parish groups I ought to join, and was doing as we all ought to do when we meet a relatively new parishioner: invite them and encourage them to become involved in the many marvelous opportunities of good works of outreach, spiritual education classes, prayer groups, and fellowship events. I then worded carefully my gratitude, but when the invitation was more insistent and getting into more detail, I mentioned my back surgery not long ago, as also they had wondered why they'd not seen me before.
The back surgery led to more natural and kindly questions and interest. (I tell you, I could never ask nor dream of a better parish than this, as it is the very best of parishes with the most Christian and caring people doing all the right things we Catholics ought to be doing!) So I explained my surgery when asked, and when there were yet more opportunities for involvement to which I was invited and encouraged to participate, as they assumed I would be recovering and much better as I healed, I then had to skirt around my eremitic vocation, for I've already learned it is for the best not to mention it even if it seems would help others understand. They may or may not, and either way, there is no reason to mention and remove my veil of hiddenness as a consecrated Catholic hermit.
Which then helped me understand within, that there is no reason for me to be going to the coffee and donut "social" (basically that is what it is, and marvelous, admirable, for lay persons in the active life, married and single.I am not a lay person married, and I am not a lay person single. I am a consecrated Catholic hermit, mystic, and victim soul. The added sitting was not beneficial for my body, I did not need the sugary donuts although the endorphin rush from sugar is pleasing to my pain for the brief boost, I appreciated listening to the fellow parishioners discuss their day's projected activities, and did learn from the ironic conversation topic initially, of someone's illness. I tried to get the one person (who had been the leader-type and was so wanting to help me join in with wonderful groups and activities) to tell me about some courses he is taking in theology, and to tell me about a Dr. Peter Kreeft book he is reading and had with him, but I could tell he was ready to be on his way.
I spent much of the remainder of that day, a week ago, in bed due to the added sitting--and I also think the strain of how careful I needed to be to not enter into their initial discussion--literally having to bite my tongue, that I was extra exhausted with the restraint it took, and then to carefully word my answers as to the various activities I was being invited to become involved in. Explaining my spine surgery, also, was effort; and later I wondered if answering was of any point or helpfulness to them, regardless. They were interested, yes, but of course then they thought I would improve or not have pain, and thus would then be able to join in the activities--so explained briefly the Arachnoiditis diagnosis, and thus pain is progressive.
No matter the details, after the added bed recovery time, and last week's increasing understanding that the Lord was bringing me to a turning point--or "returning" point might be more apt term-- in my spiritual life and eremitic vocation, I had to laugh at myself! But this is how I tend to learn. I cast out a net, often not even thinking much about it. Example is my casting the net involving a cup of coffee and the treat of a donut (I otherwise do not purchase them), and what I thought would be simple enough brief sitting and listening to others converse, smiling and nodding and interjecting a encouraging word, then quietly leaving. But no, it became entangling even if the others did not realize I was tangled in my own net. The sitting caused more pain, the conversation initially was uncanny, and I had to pinch hit "grounders" in my answers to the many suggestions and invitations to what is "active life" involvements.
Such a small thing, really--but for a hermit such as myself, whom the Lord is shaping up for more as He desires me, in more the eremitic ideal and spiritual honing, this morning I knew Mass was my be all and end all. I came; I went. And all is well and all shall be well! I had energy and focus when the unexpected conversation transpired with the Home Depot door and window salesman/installation representative. He has much suffering, and the bulk of the time spent was in answering questions about suffering and prayer, and of how the Lord calls us sometimes to suffer as a means of building up the Body of Christ. He left saying there was much about his suffering that he'd not considered before, and that he now saw a purpose his pain and painful experiences. I was not worn out from dodging conversations that I needed to avoid, nor was I in added pain from sitting, for I stood much of the time or walked around a bit!
God provides! Such a simple little realistic decision for a Catholic hermit to make. Really, it is a matter of vocational decision and choice in a small detail of daily life, but it was an invaluable exercise in wise discretion and discernment. I suddenly realized that the Lord is guiding me in what is best for His hermit on various levels--body, mind, heart, and soul. There are 150-200 parishioners who enjoy the coffee and donut time after Monday morning Mass, week after week. It is not as if a pain-in-the-spine Catholic hermit is needed to help them have someone to talk with!
(I'm making myself laugh at myself now. It's late. Night Office prayed; sleep time.)
God bless His Real Presence in us!
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