Catholic Hermit: Another Dream, Telling, and Humor

When awakening, very early morning, pain per usual tough, I was rather grateful that had I dreamed, I did not recall.  Dealt with some brief correspondence, knowing my hibernation status, of being in custody.  Fell back asleep after awhile, after as has become my morning inclusion, prayer and happiness for R, thinking of his rising in his transcendence of physical pain, feeding his animals, and heading to his work place where he is in field of helping others with healing or such.

I was in the culmination of a dream when I was awakened by a phone call from a family member, a rare call; we've not seen one another in over 15 years.

I was thankfully rescued from the peak of the dream!  Albeit humorous, as some dreams go, though, in the unfolding it was not.  Yet this dream was telling, of various layers, and easy enough for me to discern the message--and also to appreciate the humor for which I'm grateful and need.

In the dream, I was being prepped for another spinal surgery.  (My actual physical pain was signaling my mind, and the mind was imaging the effects in the dream.)  A surgeon came to talk with me, and he was a band director who retired when I was in sixth grade--old then, and even older in the dream (not to mention having passed from this life about forty years ago.  

He left, and when I was told was half hour before surgery, a different surgeon came to say the other one could not do the surgery, but he was stepping in.  This surgeon who began readying me for surgery, happened to be in life my great-uncle who was also old in the dream, very old, as he had lived to nearly 103 years of age, but has been passed over 15 years now.

With seeing this great-uncle as my surgeon, and with the surgery time nigh, I began to panic with the reality that matters were getting worse for me, not only having to have another spine surgery but that the surgeons had no medical experience and were getting even older in age as they appeared to me.  So I called on my phone, trying to reach my parents to get help, as they would know the great-uncle not a surgeon and with in life his heart-stoppages in late years, my fate was in desperate circumstances.  But the number was not correct, and I could not reach my parents.

That was when the here-and-now phone call rescued me from the dream.  I (in rare prudence for me, but I'm praying and trying to improve) asked the person calling if I could call back, that I was still in dozing mode.  That gave me a chance to deal with the dream (we know how dreams can sometimes be stunning or take a bit to shake how real they seem), and to figure out another aspect of it that is of value.  I realized the phone number I was calling in the dream, of course was my parents' phone number of decades ago, but it was the phone number of my long-time friend's parents home phone.

Amazing how God allows our memory to access whatever needed through dreams (and often in waking hours or times of crisis, when we are open and needful of help or also soul instruction.  More of the dream began making sense to me, as the surgery part was yet another indicator from my physical body that my pain is severe.  I considered the two surgeons--the old band director who even back then seemed especially old to an 11-year-old, and the great-uncle who was also elderly for much of the time I knew him, considering he was 50 years my elder already, when I was born.

I did not think of all these aspects immediately, for I tended to calling the family member back after I got a grip on pain, got coffee to help the always-headache, and prepared a bowl of oatmeal to bring back to my bed where I eat reclining.  I simply cannot sit with the pain as it is, since surgery.   But portions of what the Holy Spirit needs me to recognize and to do what I must do, on my part, in response to the dream messages, have come to me off and on this day.

Not knowing for certain, but knowing with a kind of spiritual nudge, I have apologized to the old band director and to the elderly great-uncle, for anything I may have thought or commented upon, or criticized or judged even in nuance--not knowing for sure or remembering specifics, but with the old band director I did feel intimidated by him as he was stern and a large man, so my child sense then was one of caution for various reasons, a sense I had of wanting to stay clear.  But no doubt I may have thought or spoken negatively, or had unnecessarily criticized in my mind.  

As to my great-uncle, I have no conscious idea other than when he did pass, I did not go to his visitation or funeral; my mother was very ill, and I was worn out and felt I could not have energy to interact and converse. I remained keeping my mother company in her health care room at a nursing facility. I felt guilty for doing so because this uncle and his children who were my dad's cousins, I dearly love, and he and they had been generous, helpful, and supportive of me and my children when I returned to hometown after accident, divorce, and life-altering back surgery.  But I made a choice to not push myself more than what I felt I could manage.  

So today I've made my heart-felt apologies for offenses to either of these men in whatever ways; and I pray for them, as well, as prayer is always good when we are reminded of anyone.  

And then I dealt with the phone number of my long-time friend's childhood home and on through the parents' long lives.  There was a specific reason why that was the number I was calling repeatedly in the dream; the Lord is keeping before me, a reminder of the consequence of having hurt deeply the long-time friend recently, and of which I am accepting of consequences after apologizing.

But that linkage with my friend and reminder of my wrong-doing, my sin, includes the story line of the dream, of my being prepared for yet another back surgery in the dream and the reminder of my rudeness in not going to the great-uncle's funeral.  (And perhaps some rudeness or other I committed as a child to the old band director; I will assume some fault of mine, for I was wary for whatever reason, and perhaps unfounded and that is the fault.)

The linkage is of my wrong doing to friend, but also the reality I'm coming to accept, that I am worn out from years of physical pain and years of suffering, and of the various trials that by the grace of God I've lived through, but of the many times I pushed myself beyond pain limits to a point of trying to be or do for others, or even be in conversations or whatever other, when I simply should not have done so.  For therein I get myself into trouble, over-invest in other people's lives and business, or do not filter thoughts and feelings in a compassionate or prudent manner.

I asked the Lord to forgive me for that--for pushing myself beyond limits when He does not expect me to, even if it seems rude or selfish of me to not go or do or converse.  There is a pride in this, that I have, and so I asked God's forgiveness for my prideful self that somehow has thought I could handle interactions or push myself to do, when in actuality and humility, I most certainly could not.  It is when worn down from pain and suffering, that even my inner senses pick up on aspects that stay with me, and grow beyond what is best in intensity, and stay with me for a long time.  It is hard to shake off and to also filter or refrain from comment or doing that which causes hurt or upset.

It is not the silent preaching of Christ that is part of my hermit basis, set forth by the Church for consecrated eremites.  Even if there are some points of truth or whatever, or a sensing of something or other, such as perhaps picking up on something in the old band director's demeanor or temperament, prayer is best and prudent in any situation.  And this is true particularly when my life has been for years formed by pain, suffering, and one trial after another.  I am not safe to myself or others unless quite limited physically, for pain opens me up in ways most could not begin to comprehend; and silence of solitude and the Lord's protective custody of me is crucial.  I grasp this all the more, even though I have been shown it in the past off and on and reel myself back in.

But I am back to hibernation, and this is what I was told and shown 34 years ago when my maternal grandmother whom I'd called out to for help, appeared to me in a corporeal, waking vision, and told me I would need to learn to "hibernate like a bear" for protection from the world.  There is more to that vision, but I've shared it before, I'm pretty sure, and the hibernation and why, is the point, and this morning's dream brings up aspects of what the Holy Spirit is providing in this hibernation.  He is digging up, bringing to the surface, persons and themes of past flaws and sins, and allowing me the kindness of time to ask forgiveness and repent.  

Plus, I am grasping with this greater level of continuous, bodily pain than ever before, how wrong it is of me to even consider going back, of thinking of taking on more interaction, than what limited amount God brings. I must not tempt myself with reaching back in or pushing myself more, but simply to let go of what is past and done, and not also replace with other interactions.  See my pride in thinking I can handle being drawn out into the temporal world even if would seem charitable.  

I must attend to managing pain and doing well, handling well the few and brief encounters the Lord brings to me.  Learn prudent self-control, such as not talking or trying to go and do when I am, myself, in the condition of "Father forgive me, for I know not what I am doing."  

I must prepare my soul for my temporal passing whenever God wills, when Jesus returns to take me with Him.  Seek to progress in the spiritual life, devote my life to praise of God and for salvation of the world, pray for all, be penitent, and  above all, to love:  to love to learn to love as best able.  Love God in Himself above all things, and love others and self as God loves.  Embrace the grace of suffering the same as I embrace the grace of God's delights.  

Embrace being in God's protective custody, hibernating like a bear for protection from the world in my life that is to be a silent preaching of Christ and a hiddenness yet manifesting to everyone the interior aspects of the Church, that is, the personal intimacy of Christ.

The more I grasp and remind myself, the more I write it out, the more I will be subsumed into His will in these matters, and I will better live the Gospel Rule even if in silence of solitude.  My spirit, if it remains in Christ and in His love, will greet whomever God brings in spirit, or the few He brings in temporal actuality.  I can be with others in the Holy Spirit without effort beyond what my pained, fatigued, and mishap-prone-but-penitent person.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Rejoicing in gratitude in the Holy Trinity!

Catholic Hermit: Ah, Perfect Living Word!

I finished writing/praying (meld into one) my mea culpa and continuing forth as I must live with my just consequences of wrong doings.  Ask God's forgiveness, and He forgives, as always.  And I think of Jesus saying (and as priests repeat Jesus' words if in sacramental confession), "Your sins are forgiven.  Go and sin no more."

It is the "Go and sin no more" that is difficult for us humans, especially such as this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit who is an old dog, not so easy to learn new tricks except by the grace of God, of course!  But the "go" Jesus tells us after we ask His forgiveness, means get on with your life.  You are cleansed and to be redeemed.  A fresh start is given us even if we do live with the life fallout of consequences that can be quite appropriate.  Embrace them.

God does not want sackcloth and ashes after we confess our sins and He forgives us, after we repent and desire to alter our ways and means of continuing on until our temporal forms full die to this life and we face Christ in a full review in which He points out that which we have not repented or what we have not seen to repent, or if we have not fully accepted the reality and consequences of our sins.

God wants us to go, and then also to "sin no more."  I think the "go" part can be quite difficult if our faith in God's forgiveness or if our acceptance of our sins and the consequences thereof is weak or partial.  Somehow, in my sins revealed and exposed--this time--I am better accepting God's grace in deeper faith of His forgiveness.  Somehow, I am able to embrace the peace of Christ and trust His cleansing grace of my being.  

(That is why God's forgiveness is penultimate; while I'd like to believe I can fully forgive, I know my human limitations, and do not trust myself.  Which reminds me of one time in sacramental confession years ago, a priest explained to me that even if "I" forgive someone, it is always God Who does the forgiving.  We do not have that perfection to forgive as God forgives; we require God's grace in order to forgive just as we require His grace in doing and being, thinking and feeling and breathing.  We are only anything because God is everything and the All to our nothing.)

However, Jesus saying "and sin no more" is a tough command and one that is unlikely to happen as long as we are in our mortal bodies on this temporal earth.  Yet, I always have a great desire to strive for that ideal:  to sin no more.  Even that desire is a grace from God.  I admit even that--I need His grace to be excited instead of downcast, to be filled with desire to not repeat this current sin exposed, to trust fully in Christ's grace, of God's cleansing my sins one by one and en masse, whichever in my self-knowledge to confess whatever sins over the years and in the hour of my death.

So the first Scripture reading of today's Mass, comes all the more real and gives me assurance of His grace and to simply keep going, to take what I'm learning and apply it in my vocation as a consecrated Catholic hermit, in my life as an aspiring Christian, and in my writing.  Read and absorb, on this new day, from the Book of Wisdom 11:22-12:2:

"Before the LORD the whole universe is as a grain from a balance
or a drop of morning dew come down upon the earth.
But You have mercy on on all, because You can do all things;
and You overlook people's sins that they may repent.
For You love all things that are
and loathe nothing that You have made;
for what You hated, You would not have fashioned.
And how could a thing remain, unless You willed it;
or be preserved, had it not been called forth by You?
But You spare all things, because they are Yours,
O LORD and lover of souls,
for Your imperishable spirit is in all things!
Therefore You rebuke offenders little by little,
warn them and remind them of the sins they are committing,
that they may abandon their wickedness and believe in You, O LORD!


Now to rise, dress, and go for a walk.  A little baby has been born on All Saints' Day of which we knew in the last month the infant would be born with a cleft palate, a mouth deformity.  The little fellow had always kept his hands up to his face in all prior scans.  I realize how beautiful an example, of the photo sent me of the infant, that he will have the gift of some surgeries over time, and his exterior will be made in keeping with what we humans are used to seeing as beautifully handsome, and the actual physical disability of difficulty eating and swallowing will also be corrected.  

All the while despite our human views of beauty and physical perfection, how much our interiors require examination and God's grace, and our desire to follow His will and simply keep going with joyous desiring to love God above all things and to love others as God loves, as He loves us.  I'll ponder this on the walk, plus ask the Lord to help me grasp aspects of the dream in whatever He wills in spiritual footsteps forward.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: Jesus the Weaver

I'm never finished being in awe and amazement at how the Lord weaves all the details of our every present moment into practical and beautiful fabric of life.

This nothing consecrated Catholic hermit had a call last evening from a young wife and mother.  She apologized for calling and said she'd tried what she knew to try to discern her own dreams but needed my assistance.  Also, she revealed an upset in which her emotions--anger--got the better of her.

And she recognized that I am, myself, going through a time period of increased quietude.  I had not mentioned the current illness and how exhausted I am--with chronic pain not helping the fatigue.  Yet, we talked.

The main issue continues to be challenges she faces with frustrations that culminate with anger.  The dreams she perhaps hoped were physical, temporal, as subconsciously, perhaps a bit consciously, would love to have sons, being the mother of daughters.  And maybe like many young mothers, the intriguing thought of twins tweaks the imagination.

However, her health, her emotions, her bodily functions, her doctors, and even her husband all point to the wisdom of being content with three healthy, beautiful little girls.  And the two dreams the past two nights did not lend themselves to being foretelling of birthing twin boys.  

Rather, there was a significant element in which she was to die in a spiritually provocative manner--a type of crucifixion--prior to having twin sons, with each of them first being readied for crucifixions.  A woman with child--a "type" of the Virgin Mary, was in the dream telling and showing her these aspects.

So right away we have a spiritual message and also a psychological element that begs deciphering.

As our conversation also included a point of frustration for the young wife and mother, elements of that reality seemed to coincide in a way, with the dream elements.  The young woman has an interest, talent, and desire for textile arts, particularly knitting, yarns, elements of dyes.  She has signed up to be mentored by a guild master knitter in a nearby state, paying money for personalized lessons which require her to do practicums and answer questions, test-style.

She had sent in her first lesson's sample and answers to questions and received back a failing grade as well as was told she had done the assignment wrong.  She must re-do it.  This news evoked anger and resentment, for she had answered the guild master's questions--but upon further conversation, she had answered them from her perspective and in her style, not in the way the guild master expected nor wanted.

[So we have perspective again!  See the previous post on this blog if interested in a meandering consideration of perspectives.]

My part in all this--my awe and amazement in how Jesus was weaving within and through my input into this young woman's dream interpretation.  He wove thoughts regarding her consternation over the great disappointment and even anger over the guild-master's rejection of her sample work and test feedback.  Jesus prepared me in that I could speak about artists and the variety of modalities in which artists (and that can be any art, such as the artistry of a soul) live out their passion and produce the fruit of the art form.

I shared with her the function of a guild master compared with taking university courses (schooling under an organized "system" that differs from a private tutor or master) compared with being self-taught.  I shared the observations of my recent interest--and atypical for me--in the musical genius and composer, Brian Wilson of Beach Boys fame.  We kind of laughed that I was deeply into absorbing the harmonies as well as the life history, listening to musical compositions while resting in my current exhaustion.  

I shared what I had learned and observed by watching distant and more recent interviews covering the span of Wilson's musical career.  It even helped to mention his abusive father and how music provided a save haven from being beaten quite as much.  The suffering provided the vehicle for God to utilize a young man's gifts and talents to bring upbeat, joyful and also meaningful ballads, to people's listening pleasure and enrichment.  This resonated with the young woman because she tends to upset over her childhood and perception of issues therein.

The young woman's dreams most likely were a foreshadowing of the death or crucifixion the young woman must undergo of her own ways of knitting.  This includes innate desires to be understood and to be allowed to answer questions by her own terms and conditions.  Death to self must occur in order to birth a fruitful product, a sample that will pass the guild master's inspection.  

She also must put in the time and effort to listen to and watch the many Youtube videos and read the guild master's daily blog in order to learn from the guild master the methods, terminology, and perspective of the guild master's art and style of knitting. 

Progress in productivity requires sacrifice of time, energy, effort, focus to the details as well as passion in the overall, desired results--of which we should never hold fast to any set perception.

I mentioned to the young woman, the viability of guild masters in history.  Aspiring artists would go to Paris, France or Florence, Italy (and any number of cities and towns in various countries and still do to some extent) to study under a renowned artist.  Actors and actresses call it being an understudy.  Writers do similar when they go to writing conferences or tutorials or take courses (now some online) offered by successful authors.

These students of "guild" masters must learn and do as the guild master instructs and in the mode the guild master expects.  One must die to one's own notions and ways of doing, at least for the time as student.  Most often with the more aspirational students, after they go out on their own, they expand their art and explore with new ways of expressing with whatever is their artistic medium.

The apostles were such students to the Master, the Teacher, the Lord Jesus Christ.  We can grasp the many parallels; and there is effort, obedience, learning, submission--to follow along--and learning a way.  Some could not follow, could not learn in this manner.  They were the ones who went away for they were not able to grasp nor to stick with the dying to self required, for one thing.

But to the young woman's purposes, she can choose to not make the time nor take the effort to be under a guild master's tutelage.  It does cost money and takes time and requires dying to self-taught methods at least for awhile.  The dream was showing this, and the one twin boy (male is active, action, anima) being readied for death represents the first knitting sample attempt.  The second twin boy being readied is the next knitting sample that is required.

The choice for the young woman is to continue with the guild master and accept the perspective and terms taught, or take university courses (variety of instructors), or be self-taught.

Any of it requires effort, work, perseverance, being open to varying perspectives, and dying to self, for that is when God is allowed fuller reign, or even full reign eventually.

Jesus is a weaver.  He is not so much a guild master in a formal sense, but in some ways there are similarities in the metaphoric suggestion.  He does weave the details of our lives, though, if we allow and perceive His artistry in our present moments.

Just now the daughter called and discussed the grandson.  I was able to introduce some of the observations of artistry.  Some people are not able to perceive that tapestry, or of how Jesus weaves us--woof and warp.  Yet we may see Him threading the various aspects of our daily lives if we remain pliable and even eager to learn, to follow, to submit to His inspiration.

Fascinating--at least to me--all this!  

Despite exhaustion which comes from time to time as a blessing, there are elements that quietude provides and weariness sips.  Music and even superfluous news-noise is less effort than reading for now.  Yet the Lord instills meaning and purpose in a practical sense--perhaps like weaving a harmony or a floor mat.

His Real Presence is truly present.  Perceive Him!  Allow Him to weave us according to His tapestry vision for each life of each soul.  Remain in His Real Presence!

Catholic Hermit: Interesting Development, God Provides!

Recently this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit has prayed about and considered having an email account associated with this blog.  The thought came that perhaps some of the blog readers (including those living in other countries) might have prayer requests or some other desire to communicate or share.

So I was praying about it and waiting for some answer from the Lord.  I mentioned the thought the other morning to an adult daughter who listened and contributed some thoughts.  I said that the sense I was getting from prayer was to remain with the intrigue and mystery of not knowing specifics, thus not having an email account.  

Rather, listening in the silence of solitude, somehow the Lord would let me know the specific prayer needs of the readers and viewers; and through the Holy Spirit, I would continue to sense and pray for each and all of you.

Also, I told the daughter that surely the Lord would bring, if He wills and desires, those who might have needs such as dream interpretation or prayer needs.  There are ways to be in touch already.

Just a few hours later, there came a request from someone who had come across something I'd said.  He has had some fascinating dreams that are significant, yet he is uncertain as to what they mean.  He has requested help in dream interpretation.

It was rather an amazing (to me, at least) direct answer to what had been my prayer and what I was sensing the Lord's direction and leanings.  Those who have genuine need, He will bring over the means of cyberspace--that is,  those readers and viewers who with this hermit, remain anonymous one to the other except in our known love and respect as members of the Body of Christ.  

We are not strangers as souls who are seeking union with His Real Presence and are not strangers to our shared existence as souls living as God's creation on His created earth!

The young man has sent a detailed description of a dream.  I am currently praying about it and asking the Holy Spirit to give insights.  All, of course, is if the Lord wills.  But an important aspect that I clarified with the young man when he first inquired and asked for some assistance with his dream, is that what I am to assist with in such matters is very much to teach others how to interpret their dreams, how to discern spirits, and even how to approach the time, effect, and suspension of our wills and bodies in what we all experience:  sleep.

When the spiritual father called several days ago, this Catholic hermit asked him what he thought of an insight given recently regarding "sleep."  He found it fascinating but true, and I will share the insight with you in a separate blog post.  It is rather simple, actually, but yes, it has made a difference in my approach to sleep; and it certainly excited the spiritual father who said he would now view and utilize sleep as gift in a different light and spiritual perspective.

God is so good to us!  And the Holy Spirit continues to give us insights and to teach us even as we become old and think we are well-seasoned in this earthly existence--only to surprise us with something we'd not considered before.  What His Real Presence (in whatever varied means) shows and teaches us, no matter how long we've slugged it out in daily (and nightly) life, is of benefit.  God provides!

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Little children, let us love one another, help one another, share with one another what God provides materially and spiritually.  God Is Love, and He loves each and every one of us!