I finished writing/praying (meld into one) my mea culpa and continuing forth as I must live with my just consequences of wrong doings. Ask God's forgiveness, and He forgives, as always. And I think of Jesus saying (and as priests repeat Jesus' words if in sacramental confession), "Your sins are forgiven. Go and sin no more."
It is the "Go and sin no more" that is difficult for us humans, especially such as this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit who is an old dog, not so easy to learn new tricks except by the grace of God, of course! But the "go" Jesus tells us after we ask His forgiveness, means get on with your life. You are cleansed and to be redeemed. A fresh start is given us even if we do live with the life fallout of consequences that can be quite appropriate. Embrace them.
God does not want sackcloth and ashes after we confess our sins and He forgives us, after we repent and desire to alter our ways and means of continuing on until our temporal forms full die to this life and we face Christ in a full review in which He points out that which we have not repented or what we have not seen to repent, or if we have not fully accepted the reality and consequences of our sins.
God wants us to go, and then also to "sin no more." I think the "go" part can be quite difficult if our faith in God's forgiveness or if our acceptance of our sins and the consequences thereof is weak or partial. Somehow, in my sins revealed and exposed--this time--I am better accepting God's grace in deeper faith of His forgiveness. Somehow, I am able to embrace the peace of Christ and trust His cleansing grace of my being.
(That is why God's forgiveness is penultimate; while I'd like to believe I can fully forgive, I know my human limitations, and do not trust myself. Which reminds me of one time in sacramental confession years ago, a priest explained to me that even if "I" forgive someone, it is always God Who does the forgiving. We do not have that perfection to forgive as God forgives; we require God's grace in order to forgive just as we require His grace in doing and being, thinking and feeling and breathing. We are only anything because God is everything and the All to our nothing.)
However, Jesus saying "and sin no more" is a tough command and one that is unlikely to happen as long as we are in our mortal bodies on this temporal earth. Yet, I always have a great desire to strive for that ideal: to sin no more. Even that desire is a grace from God. I admit even that--I need His grace to be excited instead of downcast, to be filled with desire to not repeat this current sin exposed, to trust fully in Christ's grace, of God's cleansing my sins one by one and en masse, whichever in my self-knowledge to confess whatever sins over the years and in the hour of my death.
So the first Scripture reading of today's Mass, comes all the more real and gives me assurance of His grace and to simply keep going, to take what I'm learning and apply it in my vocation as a consecrated Catholic hermit, in my life as an aspiring Christian, and in my writing. Read and absorb, on this new day, from the Book of Wisdom 11:22-12:2:
"Before the LORD the whole universe is as a grain from a balance
or a drop of morning dew come down upon the earth.
But You have mercy on on all, because You can do all things;
and You overlook people's sins that they may repent.
For You love all things that are
and loathe nothing that You have made;
for what You hated, You would not have fashioned.
And how could a thing remain, unless You willed it;
or be preserved, had it not been called forth by You?
But You spare all things, because they are Yours,
O LORD and lover of souls,
for Your imperishable spirit is in all things!
Therefore You rebuke offenders little by little,
warn them and remind them of the sins they are committing,
that they may abandon their wickedness and believe in You, O LORD!
Now to rise, dress, and go for a walk. A little baby has been born on All Saints' Day of which we knew in the last month the infant would be born with a cleft palate, a mouth deformity. The little fellow had always kept his hands up to his face in all prior scans. I realize how beautiful an example, of the photo sent me of the infant, that he will have the gift of some surgeries over time, and his exterior will be made in keeping with what we humans are used to seeing as beautifully handsome, and the actual physical disability of difficulty eating and swallowing will also be corrected.
All the while despite our human views of beauty and physical perfection, how much our interiors require examination and God's grace, and our desire to follow His will and simply keep going with joyous desiring to love God above all things and to love others as God loves, as He loves us. I'll ponder this on the walk, plus ask the Lord to help me grasp aspects of the dream in whatever He wills in spiritual footsteps forward.
God bless His Real Presence in us!
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