Catholic Hermit: New Hermit Anthem

The Mass reading for selected verses of Psalm 66 included the response:  "Blessed be God who filled my soul with fire."

I've accepted this refrain as an anthem for as long as helpful, for as long as it implants itself within my now-fire-filled soul.  I shared the praises of Psalm 66 with Angel, the woman who brought His Real Presence in the Host today.  I pointed out the ease of claiming Blessed be God who filled my soul with fire" as a loving strength to reassure us in our lives of prayer and praise--and for most, lives of temporal, good action.

As Angel left, I called out to her that this is past-tense; God has already filled our souls with fire!  Thus, as she hoped to be able to reach her elder mother who had called during the mother's one reprieve per week from a terribly controlling husband, I reminded Angel that our souls are filled with the fire of the Holy Spirit, the fire of God, the fire of the Son.  We are given in our souls all that fire imbues.

On this Solemnity of the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary, I have considered the sense of my physical, prayer, and spiritual life being rather fragmented for some time.  Increasing disability and pain prior to the spine surgery included trying to unpack and organize this hermitage, to begin painting a couple rooms, to have too-close-to-hermitage trees removed and for me to plant trees, shrubs, perennials--much of this prior to learning how serious was the spine issue.  

In other words, I feel as if my life is distracted and not under my will or discipline.

Of course it is not!  All the more, I am being shown by His Real Presence the detail to which God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit guide, rule, and every present moments.  Not even seeing the fragments in the days and nights am I to be disturbed with thoughts of not praying or praising enough, or that I doze off or distract to relax with music or documentaries, Indie films, British programs, bits of news on the laptop.  The goal to get this pained and healing body up, brace on, walker put to motion with walking in the house up to 8 times a day, is a priority in order to get past this period of recovery so that God can direct and guide what it is He wills of me to fulfill the mission He desires of me.

He is teaching me so much through Scriptures I've read many times over the years; but now the Living Words are coming alive in ways they'd not before.  All is flowing and filtering into a beautiful stream of which I am not quite yet capable of reaching with cupped hands to quench a thirst and wondering that is developing within as the hours and days and nights slowly merge one into the other.

Now this fire filling my soul--part of God's plan in leading me to more specifics of what He wants of me in fulfilling the mission?  I'd say so; it feels right, burning within me with great desire on my part and far more on His.

He's definitely not opening the doors to continue much in the construction activities--at least not for a year, and then if at all, very limited activity.  Again, if at all is more likely, and not at all as far as lifting lumber and windows, doors, tile backer board for shower and bathroom walls and floors.

All that the fire in this soul can burn away; ashes of memories of the past adventures--part of the previous phase, adventure.  Now is the moment of many moments to ponder this fire in my soul and for what its flames leap and light up what is next.

I've been pondering pain prayer and light as an aid to healing.  The evolving thoughts include that pain prayer is that which flows out of one's pain and suffering (of any type or form) and finds its way mystically to whatever source of need, known and unknown.

When Dr. H. called a week ago while he was on a road trip--perhaps first major trip since his wife passed--he mentioned light therapy and a young girl patient he had a few years ago.  Medical doctors and eye and brain specialists could find no cause for her problem of seeing different colored lights around people.  She had gone to her parents when around age 11 or so, as she realized other people did not see these colors around people.  With great concern, after all the other specialists could not diagnose her, they recommended psychological therapy.  Surely something was psychologically wrong with the child.

Quickly enough, Dr. H. realized the girl had the gift of seeing auras--colors of light that emanate from our bodies and beings based upon various aspects of energy, thought, emotion, sickness, health.  Yes, he explained to her that it is a gift, and what a helpful one, at that.  However, as he has found with other children who are the most likely to be able to see auras of light, naturally, they tend to outgrow it in teen years.  Dr. H. is interested in studying this phenomenon more, as he thinks it would be of benefit to somehow not lose that gift.

As part of our phone discussion, Dr. H. asked that with all this time I have in the silence and solitude of healing, surely I spend time focusing my mind on utilizing various colors of light and image them into such as my spine for healing?  I explained that I have become lazy!  I have come to consider, over the years, that it does not seem that I need a lot of effort.  (For he is aware of mystical experiences and the mystical ecstasy.)  I reminded him that none of these experiences come at all from me, or from my focus or effort--no, not at all.

It seems more that I have grasped the truth of Jesus saying, "Take my yoke upon you; my yoke is easy and my burden light.  I need to desire, to love, to avail myself of His Real Presence--the Holy Trinity--and allow God to utilize me in whatever way.  Where I am slipping, it seems to me, is in distraction rather than quietly and simply availing myself to God.  

After our phone conversation, I considered how, yes, over the years I do not seek experiences; and even if such as with exploring pain praying, I do not "try" to "do" anything.  I just rest in the silence, and ponder, and try to listen and be aware with the inner senses, of anything heard or visual, felt or otherwise.  It does seem haphazard, perhaps, but I trust in the Trinity, I seek Christ, God, the Holy Spirit; I seek the Three-In-One with my heart, with love--as best I know to seek with love and with whatever all love means and is.  In essence, I suppose, I seek God of Whom I am in, with God Who Is within me.

I am in too much pain to think hard, to work hard, to even suffer hard.  I figure I'm in the yoke with Jesus, and He is leading and I am following along.  Yoke easy, burden is light.

So today (or was it last night?) I was told from within what now I know is the fire filling my soul, that "Pain is not the enemy; suffering is not the enemy.  Death is not the enemy."  

Certainly puts into proper context and perspective whether or not a body will be able to bend anymore or lift more than 10 pounds.  Whatever of sufferings minor or not minor, those aspects are not the enemy.  Pain is not the enemy, so why treat it as such?  Take care of the pain charitably; tone it down with whatever aids available, within temporal parameters.  Do not desire to beat it out or eradicate it.  

If pain is meant to leave for a time, that is lovely.  But know that while on this earth, we will not be without earthly pain.  There are all types and manner of earthly suffering--body, mind, heart, spirit suffering.  Even in a sudden death, there will be a leave-taking of soul from body, and that could include some degree of some flash of pain or a grieving of the separation.

I'm not suggesting that we do not grieve when a loved one suffers, is in pain, dies.  But pain or suffering or death are not the enemy.

I texted Dr. H. the reality of pain, suffering, death not being the enemy.  I'm not sure how he'll view this truth.  I'm admiring its various facets as I write.  I also texted that pain, suffering, death are opportunities, are the loving means of the soul's growth.

I'm considering the elderly friend who was allowed to leave his body after 94 years and the last 20 months without functioning mind and body.  Yet his children, in their mid-60's, Christian and Catholic, had a struggle in letting him go.  They even tried force feeding him after he could no longer swallow.  

So there we conjecture that death must have seemed the enemy to their emotions and thinking.  God did have a doctor put a quick stop to that dangerous force-feeding, and God freed the man a couple nights later.  The man "slept away," as his wife wrote of the peaceful and celebratory event. 

As for light therapy, the morning after the phone conversation with Dr. H., I noticed in Scripture Jesus saying, "If you follow me and are my disciples, you will be given the light of life."  That is the light I'm seeking, of which I'm interested and curious and desire with all my now fire-filled soul.  The most I've sensed thus far, of any tangible quality, is that maybe the light of life is white-silver brightness, or maybe it is a full spectrum of intermingled and fused light colors possible in God's creation of light.  And I do still ask, "Is the light of life the same as the light of Christ?  After all, Christ is our life, right?

Blessed be God who has filled my (and your?) soul with fire!  God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: Slow and Steady...

...wins the race!

This one is a distance race within the type of race that St. Paul metaphored for "life".  But metaphors only go so far--and don't always, in one metaphor, totally describe what they are imaging or representing.  By "race", such as St. Paul said he has run the race after he had also used "fight" metaphor for having fought the good fight--these metaphors do not also express that aspect of our lives that impart passage of length or depth of time.  

Fights are usually a burst of energy within time limits, such as a boxing match with its various rounds, unless or until someone wins with a knock-out blow, or based upon points if the fight goes the full however-many rounds.  Races can be longer than fights.  Sprints are short, and like a fight have a burst of energy that is sustained until the short distance is completed.  There are distance races; there are round-the-earth yacht or hot air balloon or airplane races.

But life as a race--yes, we get much meaning thinking of life as a race, in that metaphor--but life as a race does not provide that aspect of time.  While there is time involved in life, and energy, we do not know the length of our lives or of others lives.  (Not even the best of doctors can know how long even a terminally ill person will live other than in best-projections; the exact hour and minute is not known.)  Some lives are but a breath at birth and then no more, or life in the womb cut off with some dire unexpected during birth process.

Other lives go along for decades.  Some lives have tremendous energy seemingly for the length of the person's time on earth, while other lives are less energized, are more placid.  But one aspect about a "race" as a metaphor for life, is that we humans do tend to the aspect of wanting to win.  We want our lives to be successful in whatever aspects considered by each individual, and as influenced by family, culture, society, religion or none.  So we want to win this life; we want to successfully complete this "race" in some shape or fashion or form.

And within our lives, there are varying speeds and perhaps, energy levels.  Perhaps we can consider the metaphor of life as a race as an overall race or type of event, with several to myriad races within the overall racing event.  Also, speed is not particularly a needful or advantageous aspect to life, if considered as a race.  We really must not race as if with competitors, nor should we throw caution to the wind, or even run like the wind (other than if in a situation in life in which our safety or the safety of another requires extreme speed, like a parent running after a child heading into a busy street without stopping to look both ways).

We are most all familiar with the fable of the Tortoise and the Hare.  Perhaps the adage, "Slow and steady wins the race" comes from that fable or the fable was inspired by the adage.  Regardless, there are certain phases and aspects of our lives in which it is prudent if not imperative, that we go forth in life quite slowly and with a determined and cautious steadiness.

I had to learn slow-and-steady in the last hermitage and locale, where I found myself having gotten into a house that had been cosmetically spruced but in truth found out later was deemed by real estate agents as a "tear-down."  The place had to be gutted, as I had barely delved into some minor upgrades like taking up the carpet to put down wood floors, when I realized problems requiring further delving, and finally that the place needed to be taken down to the frame.  Even then, parts of the frame had to be re-done.

It was overwhelming!  I tell you, never have I been so overwhelmed by the reality of how immense the tasks ahead, of which most all, including some aspects of demolition, even, were skills I did not know from previous life experience.  Just taking up the old bathroom linoleum led to discovering someone had put particle board under the shower pan and the toilet.  Rot and mold, soggy particle board, on verge of cave in--this is what I soon discovered!  When I hired a teen to help me unbolt and lift the toilet, the main drain pipe cracked because the toilet had been set with twerking the drain pipe to the sewer pipe so that once released, the pipe cracked!  

Thus I learned not only the life skill of bit-by-bit.  But then I had to adopt even more so, "Slow and steady wins the race."  I had to live on that for all the minutes, hours, days, weeks, and months that are contained in 5 1/2 years of blind-faith existence on rapidly decreasing, modest but appreciated inheritance funds, and then the rapid outflow of borrowed funds.  

I also had to factor into the "race" metaphor--and with more potential of the mishaps than in other phases of my life--the unexpected injuries, illnesses, and fluke accidents that can occur in "running the race."  Even if slow and steady, the unknowns that sideline us for unknown-to-us time periods, enter in.  In those 5 1/2 years, I lost count of the pneumonia and other lung crud illnesses, the numerous pain sieges, the flare ups of carpenter's elbow and thumb drill whip injury, the near misses of what would have been major or death knell incidents.

I recall the plant splinter that rapidly turned into blood poisoning, barely making it to the ER in time before sepsis was going to set in.  Still it was a week or longer for that thumb and the poisoned body to recover enough to return to the "race" to the finish line of that project.  There was the sliding precariously to the edge of the pole barn roof when painting it--not once but three times, by accident, a corner of my tennis shoes having caught a drop of wet paint causing the leg splits and slide on the 45-degree pitched metal.  My angel stopped me each time, a foot from the edge.  Still, at my age and having never done the splits in my life, I was incapacitated with barely able to move my legs for over a week.

I forget what all else--oh the accidental flop and splat on my left leg at the knee area, from the hardware store's new employee not securing a watering hose so that my foot caught on the loop of it, and thus three weeks down due to that injury.  And soon after that, there was the grand finale (although I did not know it then, as could have been more to come!) of flying off the stairs in that construction accident, and ending up in a major trauma center, serious head injury, brain bleed, badly concussed, and out of commission for awhile.

I suppose I did not learn enough then, though--although that particular race was completed bit by bit--the greater nuances and the value of "slow and steady wins the race."  For this current event is extremely slow and steady.  I have dropped the "race" aspect out of what the Lord is teaching me.  "Slow" and "steady" are the nuggets to embrace and appreciate fully.

This morning I considered how "slow" and "steady" are two of the Nine S' that I'm to practice as undergirding attributes of my hermit Rule of Life:  The Gospel Rule.  While I do not technically use the s-word of "steady", I do have "stability" as one of the Nine S', and steady and stability are close enough to be interchangeable for my needs and purposes.

I've written a couple lengthy missives today.  One included my sharing a couple of major remorses.  It was cathartic as well as rather like confessing to God, in a way.  After, though, I had to remind myself that dipping into the past for mind, heart, and soul cleansing is very good; but remaining in the past without accepting the forgiveness His Real Presence affords, is not good.  I came back into the Order of the Present Moment--noting that at some point I will express my remorse to a couple persons who I offended, and ask their forgiveness, as well.  But otherwise, what God desired of these incidents bubbling up to the surface of the mind and heart this morning, has been accomplished.

The other writing had to do with my interest in practicing pain praying.  Dr. H. happened to call recently, as we've reconnected more lately in a 34-year-professional friendship.  He has been interested in light therapy; he is a clinical psychologist and utilizes various therapies with his patients.  So his personal use of light for his own shoulder injury, got me thinking in terms of light and color.  Some of that has surfaced in my mystical experiences from time to time--various colors of light involved spontaneously, in whatever way or means the Holy Spirit intended.

So I have been pondering some, wondering if the Lord would incorporate light and colors with or in light, as I explore pain praying.  There has been some--images included with pain praying, and color connected with the images.  However, a bit of Scripture in this morning's prelude to the Mass' Gospel Reading has me intrigued.  It is a Scripture we are all familiar with; it has to do with Jesus saying those of us who follow Him will be given or be in the light of life.

With that, I'm now asking if the light of life has a color or a spectrum of colors, or some frequency or vibration or what all are its attributes, as I realize the light of life is, of course, the supreme light.  It would have to be!  It is being in Christ, it is the light of Christ that He imparts with and in us, when we follow Him, when we abide in Him and He in us.  So just what is the light of life?  That is the light with which I want to be and desire to include and be part of to impart with prayer and in Christ's love, to and for others.

We shall see.  In the meantime, as always, God bless His Real Presence in us!

As to my post-surgery update, as I mention above, it is quite slow and steady.  I am building up to being able to get up 6-7 times a day, and I can walk with the walker for around 6 minutes during four or once, five, times out of the 6-7 times up.  Last night I went for 7 or more hours between pain meds, so the morning was a bit slower.  But the shower aide came, and that feat is accomplished--yes, slowly, steadily, with no standing without the walker or holding on to a shower bar, and then brace back on, and return to bed until next time up.  Slow and steady--weather or not a race.  This is not a race, not this phase.  God has made that quite clear to me.  Also, I do so appreciate your prayers!  Deeper conversions!  Thank you!