Catholic Hermit: Ongoing Effort

Today began with gratitude the nausea has abated.  But the trial of pain and of the negative reminders that tend to be like the slow dripping of gradually melting snow keeps up the steady rhythm.  

I cannot let the second day of Advent continue with the sorrows of my flaws and the insecurities that go along with the wondering whys of situations.  I can inquire or ask, but for the most part I figure it is as it is; whatever past, could be or not, a cause of effect.

Often I yet think of the man, Randall. and his amazing story of being able to transcend physical pain and to be able to greet each morning with gratitude for all, able to go off to work without disability, sees all with incessant unconditional love, passes easily through dimensions at will.  

While I've not recently felt up to reading more in the Garrigou-Lagrange book, The Three Ages of the Interior Life, what I did read helped me understand as best probably any of us could, that Randall had a major miracle occur in his life, in all that he was suddenly able to transcend and experience--a full healing of sorts, allowing him to live a pain-free life and remain in bliss.  Yet I do not think the miracle occurred because he focused and meditated on the intake and outflow of his breath, or doctors would be prescribing this method for everyone with pain and suffering.  

Regardless, when I am reminded of Randall, I praise God for the gift He allowed and provided.  This morning I texted Dr. H., telling him how grateful I am that Randall received this miraculous event, and also thank God for Dr. H.--the two of them off to work today, helping people.  To myself, I consider that God has my life as it is, knowing me well, perhaps knowing my weaknesses so well as to know that if I'd had a miraculous healing and able to constantly transcend pain, maybe I'd not be doing such good work as Randall and Dr. H.  I have no idea of that, other than I know my own weaknesses and flaws.

I thought of my elderly aunt, and her not wanting a phone call.  I thought of a family member and my increasing concern that something is terribly wrong in whatever way, for not responding; and that, too, with a friend who was diagnosed with a rare ailment that could lead to her at some point having colon cancer.  But with these, I tend to suspect something of myself at fault.  It is hard to figure and factor, the causes and effects that register in others, for everyone has something or many things they are dealing with--numerous causes and a spectrum of effects. Virtues and vices run the gamut of many to few, varied to limited in their aspects.

Even the person who offered to pick up items for me from the large discount store, seems a bit overwhelmed with what I consider a modest list.  I even listed the items in order of their location in the store.  So I will modify the list.  I will even suggest the person not pick up anything for me, as of course I can spend a bit more per item in the grocery and go more often, despite the pain-effect.

Dr. H. just called and offered to try clinical hypnosis over the phone to see about accessing deep within the mind what can potentially help alter the perception of pain.  I will pray about that, for the one time he did try that over the phone, several months ago, it was simply a reminder of how weak is that compared to the numinous of God, such as the ecstasy during Mass--even though I am unable to be at Mass and likely won't be for a long time, if again.  

For even during the mystical ecstasy in which there is no pain, there would be the gradual build up of cause-and-effect of the physical pain, of which sitting always has made it worse.  Thus I rarely would sit.  Yet, it is true that God gave me the grace and gift of being able to sit such as three long-drives when I had really no other option but to make it through.  There later would be, then, tremendous pain sieges; always there seems a result to the temporal, physical cause.

Dr. H. mentioned even being available to just have someone to talk with about this pain situation.  I mentioned how this type of pain and life makes relationships difficult--and he interjected, "to the point of impossible."  Yes, I said it can be, but did not get into the aspects in which my own flawed self has--perhaps pain issues enhancing my flaws--done damage.  And, it is true, that I definitely am not en par with most persons in general.  My perceptions and interior life have not been typical, I guess one could say.  That has been a type of pain, of which I suppose most mystics did and would experience.

So we'll see.  Dr. H. did agree when I said if people could be healed through focusing on breathing, that would be the therapy everyone would prescribe and be utilizing.  I mentioned that at Mass I certainly did not "do" anything; the ecstasy occurs, or occurred, every Mass, simply from my being there.  God's will is for whatever His purposes and reasons.  I am back to the receptive mode, even in writing this post.

Returning more where my thoughts were going when I began writing earlier, I've been pondering my relationships--loved ones, family and friends.  And in reading the Scriptures for today's Masses being celebrated the world over, probably ongoing somewhere multiple times with Mass somewhere always ongoing, these lines from Psalm 122 touch my mind and heart.  

The message is direct and positive: To pray for my family and friends, wherever they are in life, with whatever feelings they have, their own issues and trials.  I will pray for their good.

Because of my relatives and friends
I will say, 'Peace be within you!'
Because of the house of the LORD, our God,
I will pray for your good.

~Psalm 122:8-9

I think if I can also pray for strength and the grace to make myself return to reading, and to get up and try to do little tasks in the hermitage, and when the snow melts to try walking again, it will also be for my good, and for God and because of the house of the Lord, our God.  We are in His house, always; His Tabernacle is within us, as well.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: Docility and Gifts of Holy Spirit

Very much pain today, especially upon waking.  For second night, I have awakened in the wee hours, the pain needing help and time to pass before sleep came again.  I made myself walk yesterday; I also tested standing a bit, without the brace, while putting together cranberries, apple, orange--sliced with manual chopper.  Perhaps it was the standing without brace that caused the pain-sickness all day and even this evening.

Without testing out the potential, we do not learn what are the limits or boundaries which are able to expand and extend in the temporal world, to some degree or other, at least until a point, no more.  In the supernatural, in the realm of spiritual graces, there are not limits to progression and growth other than the hindrances of attachment and sin.

So I'm learning from Fr. Reginald Garrigou-Lagrange, more about the acquired moral virtues, the infused moral virtues, the three theological virtues of faith, hope, and charity, and of the various virtues' relationship and inter-relationship with the corresponding spiritual gifts of the Holy Spirit.

And now I am learning (more, being reminded for I have read in the past but not learned it as in fully, without needing more teaching and reminding, so am progressively "learn-ing") that docility of soul is necessary to free us from our moral defects.

Only by being docile to the inspirations of the spiritual gifts of the Holy Spirit can our souls free ourselves from certain moral defects (Three Ages of Interior Life, p.85).  "The gifts of the Holy Ghost are given to all the just precisely to enable them to receive with docility these special inspirations, whose superhuman mode, that is at first latent, grows progressively more manifest if the soul is docile" (ibid., p. 85).

As to the will, St. John of the Cross holds firm that the purity of the will relies upon passive purifications, that is, the senses and the soul being purified of such moral and psychological impurities including outward vices as well as unconscious ones such as secret pride and egoism involving such as lack of detachment of spiritual goods.  The good news is, there is a normal process in progress in the virtues through prayer and great humility (as St. Teresa of Avila points out).

Also, we are encouraged because St. John of the Cross also notes that passive purifications are part of the normal way of sanctity; the soul progresses further not only in purification of senses but also as God teaches and refreshes the soul in the way of the spirit, of infused contemplation.  "St. John most certainly wished to note here not something accidental, but something that is produced normally in the way of sanctity when a soul that is truly docile to the Holy Ghost does not recoil in the face of trial" (ibid., p.88).

Where does this leave us?  I am taking from this (and the section read in The Three Ages of the Interior Life) that I must focus on humility as a base, and desire for my soul to unite in God as summit.  In between, since I've been given the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit, I want to be more open to the needed benefits of wisdom, understanding, knowledge, counsel, and piety, fortitude, and fear as well as their corresponding virtues of charity, faith, hope, prudence, and religion, religion, and temperance.

I want to more appreciate these gifts of the Holy Spirit by meditating on them in prayerful manner, and hopefully in God be raised to a point of contemplation of their grandeur as gifts from a most docile attitude and spiritual prostration, as possible, on my part.  Since I've prayed sincerely for better grasp and utilization of wisdom, I am going to begin with that gift of the Holy Spirit, and will consider its corresponding virtue of charity.

Really, all this enters into a mystical order in which I ask to be shown hindrances remaining in my body, mind, heart, and soul, and ask for purification from the attachments and sins against charity.  This is not usually a one-time-and-done proposition or situation.  What I've been learning from reading is that even souls that have reached the unitive way or life, who are considered no longer to be proficients but of the perfected, can still progress further in charity through continued infused contemplation and ongoing docility to the inspirations of the Holy Spirit.

I realize I'm not explaining all or most aspects of this clearly or well.  What I do know is that of humility and docility being requisite, and of being open to and cooperative with detachments as part of the purifying process--of senses (physical, temporal, matter) and of aspects (spiritual attachments) of my soul and sprit.  I am going forth in trust, prayerfully asking for more guidance and understanding of wisdom and charity, and otherwise letting the Holy Spirit lead me forth in whatever ways necessary.

Practically, I will avail myself to His Real Presence without distractions of reading or speaking or noises in background, or activity, and just be for God, whatever He wants in the silence of my essential nothingness.  This for me will be challenging due to physical pain; it is not easy for me to be still in His Real Presence due to noticing the pain more.  But this is how I must avail myself--try not to recoil in the face of a trial, in my case: pain.  That is the docility to the Holy Spirit I must offer, and whatever more of which I do not yet know.

For most, contemplation and infused contemplation moves from providing some effort (acquired) to God's taking over, gifting, or infusing contemplative state.  It is in the infused contemplative state that some few might experience some type of "sign" or extraordinary spiritual experience. Again, most do not.  The signal or sign is just that, and extraordinary--not the ordinary state of infused contemplation.  The sign or extraordinary is that which is yet another temptation in attachment to that spiritual experience even if not consciously so; detach from it by remaining docile to the Holy Spirit and allow God to be all to our nothingness.

I'm going to begin, as I mention above, with the gift of wisdom and the virtue of charity.  There may be various processes and aspects of vices and attachments I must be shown and detach from, but I want to love God more and more, and here are excellent teachers in St. Thomas Aquinas, St. Teresa of Avila, St. John of the Cross, and Fr. Garrigou-Lagrange, and over all and beyond, the Holy Spirit, the Paraclete, the Third Person of the Holy Trinity.  It's bound to be a win-win without needing to leave the icy pad on my bed, or if tomorrow brings less pain, I can offer myself while taking physical steps on a walk.

On a more temporal note, I was feeling out of hermit balance today, so I decided best to speak to a couple human beings about whatever they were interested in, via one who called me and the other whom I called.  In the one whom I called, I asked prayers that I accept and be fully satisfied with spiritual communion and spiritual reconciliation since I'd not heard from the woman who used to bring Communion once a week, and I could not physically go to confession.  Not an hour later, after about three months silence, I received a text from the woman who used to bring me Communion.  She wanted to know if I'd be here on Tuesday afternoon, as she'd like to begin again.  Yes, where else?

I do think the Holy Spirit wants me to learn to let go of what I want, or all types of attachments--even those I think or anyone would think are reasonable, good, proper, and holy.  This includes possessions, people who can be in essence beloved or desired possessions, and even the possessing of the tangible form rather than mystical form of the Sacraments.  I must let go of whatever is not happening or seeming to happen or be.  Let the Holy Spirit decide what, when, where, how, who, and even if He wills, the why of any and all.

Just let go.  This is a form of purification of the senses and spirit, with the purification of the spirit being more hidden from our conscious awareness that we are even attached or hanging on to that which we must be detached in order for God to will and determine for us that we are nothing and need nothing but God.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: Gratitude Opens Souls to Graces

Another jewel given us through the Holy Spirit in the writings of St. Bernard of Clairvaux, 12th century, Cistercion abbot and Doctor of the Church.  This, from Sermon 27.

I'm having a difficult morning after a challenging night, last.  The physical pain is higher, but I am also so yearning for Christ, for my earthly end to come if He'd but return to me to take me with Him.  He told me in September, 2012, to "Wait"--that he had to leave to tend to some other souls but would return.

However, in my waiting, I have not utilized the temporal time as well as I ought.  I feel as if like the parable of the "unprofitable servant."  Even now, in turning back to the good spiritual reading that my late Spiritual Da encouraged me to do, in his last note card to me 10 months ago, the reading is challenging, for I'd tended, myself, to temporal construction skills and manual labor, and accepting a most harrowing form of being stripped down.  All that was very good, but the conversion, the turning to more spiritual reading and contemplation, requires another type of discipline, along with the increase in physical suffering, on going.

In the recent reading about acquired and infused virtues and the infused gifts of the Holy Spirit, and the needful sanctifying grace we are given as in a seed when our soul implanted in us when conceived and born into this world, the nurturing and tending this seed filled with sanctifying grace is to be our focus.  We are to increasingly desire the supernatural end of seeing God face to face, of being united in His Real Presence for eternity.

Last night I began praying earnestly for the infused virtues and that my acquired virtues be strengthened, and both acquired and infused be in balance--as Pere Gerrigou-Lagrange terms, a happy medium.  I pray with hope in God for my faith to be increased, and for charity, the supreme grace and theological virtue grow within me to whatever perfection God desires for me.  And in that, I know He wills supreme good and perfect love, as God Is Love; the Holy Spirit is Love, Jesus Christ is Love.

The yearning to be with Christ, in Him, taken from this life and world can become all-encompassing indeed; the waiting can seem insufferable in some aspects difficult to describe.  Yet the Holy Spirit instills peace within, and wisdom reminds of peace in the waiting.  So this morning, upon reading this from St. Bernard, on the Gospel in which we learn of the healing of the ten lepers, with the one who returned to thank Jesus for the grace, for the gift of healing, and mention of all the graces given us, I know that the Lord is speaking to each of us, all of us--and also any of us who so desire union with Christ.

In writing out these words of truth, my soul shall be all the more assured that what I ask of the graces, virtues, and embrace of the sevenfold gifts of the Holy Spirit, will be given and increased as this is God's will!  And my gratitude for all that God's goodness and love, will grow, as well, even in the days and nights that pain and yearning and reality of my nothingness to God's All.  Waiting can become intense; gratitude to, for, of, in the Holy Trinity is my hymn in the waiting of whatever present moments.

The words in the following sermon are St. Bernard's help to me in yet another way of understanding what I am reading in Fr. Garrigou-Lagrange's The Three Ages of the Interior Life, of which he is explaining in those writings, what St. Thomas means in the Summa Theologica.  When I told the Holy Spirit who already knows my thoughts--told Him in the night and morning--that my comprehension of the reading is difficult for me, the Holy Spirit provides yet another saint to explain in yet another way as well as a means of making a place for and assurance of the graces in virtues and gifts of God that my soul sorely needs to progress as I wait for Jesus to come for me.

"How happy was that Samaritan leper who recognized that 'he possessed nothing he had not received' (I Cor 4:7).  'He guarded what had been entrusted to him' (2 Tim 1:12) and turned back to the Lord to thank Him.  Blessed are they who, after each gift of grace, turn back to Him in Whom is the fullness of all the graces, for if we show ourselves thankful in regard to Him for all we have received then we make ready a place for grace within ourselves...in even greater abundance.  In fact, our ingratitude is the only thing that prevents us making progress following our conversion....

"Happy, then, are they who think of themselves as strangers and who give great thanks for even the least blessing, thinking that everything given to a stranger and foreigner is a wholly free gift.  How unfortunate the wretched we are, on the other hand, if after first of all appearing timid, humble and pious, we then forget just how freely given is what we have received....

"I beg you then, brethren, let us remain ever more humbly under the mighty hand of God (I Pt 5:6)....Let us continue in thanksgiving with great devotion, and He will grant us the grace that alone can save our souls.  Let us show our gratitude, not just in our words and on our lips but in deed and in truth."

God bless His Real Presence in us!  

All will be well. God provides all necessary to this penitent, this contrite nothing of a consecrated Catholic hermit, simply a soul who loves deeply yet imperfectly for now, but in God's grace and tutelage.  In love of God in Himself, all will be healed within, and in gratitude I must wait, am able to wait, upheld and filled by God's magnanimous Spirit of all graces and gifts, in Christ Jesus, my savior.

Catholic Hermit: Formed in Suffering

This phase of reparation continues.  Psalm 51--a line repeats in my thoughts over the past several days:  My sins are ever before me.  This is not in a morbid way, but there is a deep penetration of the knowledge and understanding of my imperfections.  At times, a specific venial sin of the past will come to the conscious; the mortal sins, as far as I am aware, I've confessed and received forgiveness from God, absolution in the Sacrament, also.

This is a solemn period, an intentional process wrought by the Holy Spirit. I am grateful!  I do wonder that I can love so deeply and yet do such wrongs.  Perhaps it is the deep love that stirs what is unresolved, and prods my weaknesses in reactions.  I am not even sure in the recent incident of hurtfulness, of which I can identify the wrong aspects and had done so--but not sure of the kernel, if just and right reaction to actions, or not.  Perhaps I will not know for sure, until my passing over from this temporal life and world.

Yet my love for others continues very much so, and I admire the acquired virtues in the persons as well as what may be infused virtues--seemingly far greater and stronger in others than in myself.  Part of this somber period of reparation includes my recognizing my weakness of will, weaknesses over the years in various virtues, of which prudence is a dominant starting point of my weaknesses in actions into wrong doings, into sins.

I have made full-life confessions in the Sacrament of Reconciliation;  many of these wrongs that are resurfacing in this solemn time are from the past, a distant past, as if placing missing puzzle pieces into the vast schema of my life.  For whatever reason, the Holy Spirit is bringing them forth to gaze upon and place appropriately in this or that time period, situation, vividly recalled in image and fact.
Even if absolved, now and then one will replay; I don't know if I "saw" them when making full confession of sins of my life, or were ones I had not consciously recalled in my examination of conscience.  Regardless, they are being put in place; all is transparent in full forgiveness.

When our sins are washed away, perhaps it is that residue, molecules, are still somewhere for they did occur in actuality.  What is the washing away, the effect of God's forgiving us our venial and mortal sins?  We are to go forth, cleansed, renewed, reassured of His love for us.  Perhaps it is that there is a satisfaction in the filling in of our lives, the puzzle pieces fitting properly in their places, given a new perspective and position of making us whole, the good and not so good forming a completion in Christ's loving acceptance of us as His own.

There will be more sins, even of the type of thoughts that flash so rapidly it is as if we cannot stop them before they have rapid fired, even if we arrest them immediately.  If we can keep them at the level of arrested thoughts and not from taking form in action, that is at least something of better than worse.

I'm realizing how over the past many years, suffering and pain has formed me into the person I was not.  The thought, the wishful thought, has come to me that when I pass from this life and am in (hope in God!) process of additional purification that (hope in God!) will lead me to eventual beatitude in God, to see Him face to face, to be purified so as to be unified in Him fully--that then those who knew me on earth will see me in a different light.  That they will see me not as this person formed by pain and suffering in the negative aspects of the externals of pain.  

Pain and suffering can form a soul into holiness.  But pain and suffering can also bring to the fore in noxious ways, the vices, the tendencies of human nature that oppose the virtues.  I know what these are in me; I had some of them prior to the years of pain and suffering, of which now comprise well over half my years on earth.  But then I had better custody over the flawed tendencies.  My now adult children do not remember me from before the trials of the great pain and sufferings in which the negative aspects of pain altered me as a person, and my flaws were closer at hand and more readily not kept in rein, not kept in custody.  

I think these negative aspects are yet, and thus why the Lord has had to all the more instilled the call to hibernation, showed me how necessary to remain in His protective custody, lovingly chained now, however.  And I fully see it and see why.  I've had to admit that the pain and suffering while doing much good within my soul in the matter of infused virtues both theological and moral--well, that the acquired aspect of the moral virtues which also are attached to charity, are yet most difficult for me to maintain with the physical pain, ongoing and worsening.

Thus while strong souls would continue on, learning and growing and moving through their weaknesses amidst that which causes them occasional downfalls, I must admit my incapacities, my weakness of will, of soul.  Time is of essence now, in the temporal; I must stay in hibernation mode in order to address the weaknesses, to keep myself from yet more sinning, to guard against the temptations that can come regardless, but at least are more manageable when I am in hibernation, under the watchful custody of God.

I just had a phone call.  The dermatologist's receptionist reminded me of the appointment in two days.  I was able, despite being still in bed with pain, to modulate my voice in a type of pleasantness, and graciously said I will be there.  This, despite the very thought of having to get another Lyft ride, to sit and suffer the added pain, to probably converse quite a bit and be faced with the effort in that aspect of distracting from pain--I will need supernatural grace, help in custody over mind and spoken word.  I must graciously accept the pain that will follow from the physical effort of that appointment, already put off, but now necessary due to the check up on the skin cancer excision last summer.

The Holy Spirit has brought to mind the many great qualities of a long time friend, of that person's incredibly strong, acquired moral virtues and no doubt infused moral virtues, as well.  Marvelous!  The person's ability to keep true custody of self is far more than ever the ability I've had from childhood on.  Thoughts of other friends and family members, also, show me what strength of acquired moral virtues and the discipline and self-control included in what only God knows for sure, but what I can assume are their infused moral virtues--I am in awe of them!

Yet, I am among the others of us who are not at that level of perfection, not that we could not be, I realize.  But for whatever reasons, such as various vices that are pernicious, we are yet learning and must continue placing the puzzle pieces as we discover them or are given them, to help fill in and to keep going, to simply keep going.

My reading efforts are slow.  I admit my mind is not easily grasping the depth of Garrigou-Lagrange's thoughts albeit he is making it as clear and simplified as possible.  It is that my mind has not been challenged in good reading for some time--over the past several years of manual labor and learning the temporal aspects of construction--carpentry, plumbing, electrical, drywall and finishing work.  Yes, Jesus was a carpenter and historians add stone mason.  (Yes, I had to work with stones, as well, in the past few years.)  

I will persevere in the reading, though.  I'm still in the beginning pages considering the length of this first of two volumes.  In faith God will supply what is beneficial to my soul through the reading, despite the brain-injured head--oddly, how that portion of my skull is still sensorily painful when touched or rubbed.  The supernatural end is the goal: to come to God, to see Him face to face, to be united in Him in beatitude, to have purification of our  minds, hearts, and souls in order to be one with God.  God in Himself--the Holy Trinity--will provide all that is needed for He desires union with us, to draw us unto and into Himself, in love.

Being formed in suffering has its positive aspects.  Humility is one.  Clutching onto Christ on the cross, and seeking and finding Him in the pain are others.  Someone mentioned recently that Christ is clinging to that person, not that person clinging to Christ.  I am sure it is both, but I'd not considered when I always see myself clinging to Christ, that He is as much clutching me to Himself, just as now He is keeping me in His protective custody, for my own good, for much other in human, temporal interaction is too much for me.  

This, too, the humbling acceptance of utter weakness in the midst of desiring so much the infused virtues that lead to supernatural life in Christ, of loving God in Himself and loving others, is part of what is the reality: to be formed in suffering.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: Conversations with Self and God

Been appreciating and pondering Fr. Garrigou-Lagrange's written thoughts on our "conversations" that each of us has, in our minds, when not otherwise engaged in conversing with others or listening to others' talking.  He writes of this reality, activity, in the early pages of The Three Ages of the Interior Life.

I had not paid much attention to the conversations going on in my mind--in this aspect of noticing which are my conversations more of the temporal, involving self or with myself, or those conversations that are of the spiritual, of God, with God and other holy, heavenly persons and beings.

This morning, per most mornings, I handled the immense pain upon waking.  But this time I consciously, specifically, praised God for the pain and asked Him to please purify me in the fiery flames of this constant, physical pain--higher levels of it in the morning after a night with pain aides dwindling in the body, having been utilized for the tangible help they provide.

Then I continued to rest for what ended up four hours without my noticing the temporal time passing.  Yet after I was brought from what I am now noting for what they are--conversations with God and whomever all else of the heavenly realm--I marveled at what a little bit of understanding, knowledge, and awareness benefits greatly our spiritual lives.

In and out of consciousness, my mind was weaving for four or so hours, conversing with words at times but mostly not words.  I know not what the means of conversing, but all was peaceful in contentment of precious time with God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, the Virgin Mary, various saints including family members and unknown-to-me holy ones, and angels.  It does not matter the who, often enough; but it is lovely and blessed to realize how God provides a means to converse with Him and His Holy Ones not here, but there---and to converse so easily, losing consciousness of words and even of thoughts, but yet in Him and where are others who love Him and share in His Beatitude.

And, off and on are thoughts and conversations in the Holy Spirit that include those yet on earth--interludes of people, along with us, striving in our journeys of this life.  Conversing within God, these conversations flow and embrace others who perhaps are unaware of God in the active lives of work, family, others, whether or not they believe in His Real Presence or have forgotten, or they must focus their minds and thoughts on temporal matters.  

Even so, if we must focus our thoughts on temporal matters in our earthly responsibilities, we can yet be aware of His Real Presence by offering all of ourselves to His glory and purpose.  Intentions are powerful; we can but say the word, that in faith we are in Christ, that we desire our beings to be all His, and the hours of temporal work, interactions, responsibilities--all that we must do in the temporal with our temporal aspects and lives can be accomplished in a holiness assured by the Holy Trinity.

In my first awakening, with my bodily pain being especially severe this morning, today's Psalm of today's Mass Scriptures, lifted my soul to embrace the suffering and then to lead all else of my existence, of my mind, heart, and soul, into conversations with God, of God.  He takes over the conversations at some unrealized point, beyond what we could call meditation and beyond focused contemplation, and into where He infuses all aspects...what is termed infused contemplation.

This grace, to converse with and in God, and for God to flow the conversation beyond our knowing, is for everyone.  Not one is excluded; we all have sinned and are imperfect, yet He loves us.  Just approach God in our minds; begin noticing the conversations going on in our heads when alone or even around others in which we do not need to talk or listen actively.  Then turn the interior talking about matters in our temporal lives, to talking with God. 

First consciously talking--telling Him our thoughts and feelings even if He already knows.  But engage in conversing with God, and then in and by His grace, we will begin to listen, and then to let the conversation become automatic, when words turn to thoughts and thought turn to quiet and nothing we recall other than peace and serenity.

A psalm that spoke to me, comforted me, taught me, this morning upon waking.  God also speaks to us through Scriptures, very much so.

"O LORD, you have probed me and you know me; 
You know when I sit and when I stand;
You understand my thoughts from afar.
My journeys and my rest You scrutinize,
with all my ways You are familiar.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O LORD, You know the whole of it.
Behind me and before, You hem me in
and rest Your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from Your Spirit?
From Your presence where can I flee?
If I go up to the heavens, You are there;
if I sink to the nether world, 
You are present there.
If I take the wings of the dawn,
if I settle at the farthest limits of the sea,
even there Your hand shall guide me,
and Your right hand hold me fast."

  ~ from Psalm 139 (138): 1-3, 6, 7-8, 9-10

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Speak, Lord, for Your servants are listening!

Catholic Hermit: Onward, Inward, Interior Life

It takes me all morning to physically rise.

Again this morning, but am reflecting upon what is going on in the hours, such as today, between 6 a.m. and noon.  In the exterior, which is in part deal with by externals like meds and coffee, the interior informs the exterior.  The reading of this Sunday's Mass Scriptures were of the interior, a miraculous melding of conversation with God that both soothes and excites the soul.

But the bulk of the hours are spent simply being on the icy pad on the bed, availing myself to His Real Presence.  I'm understanding this deep communication with God all the more now, perhaps recognizing it which is beneficial for me to do.  Following up on the leading of the Holy Spirit, I'm being taught recognition and assurances in Garrigou-Lagrange's The Three Ages of the Interior Life.  It is wondrously amazing to find the joys of God's graces when something clicks deeply within, that effects spiritual growth that binds us all the more in the heart of God, in the Holy Trinity.

So much becomes clear.  Even the types of inner conversations we all have, are explained as to when and how they may move from conversations with self, tinged with the temporal aspects of our lives which include a type of unsatisfying self-love and duty, to conversation with God that takes us beyond the temporal and ourselves, and into God, into His love.  That conversation is filled with graces that we learn to accept and appreciate even though often wordless conversation.  

And the phases of our journey into interior life--they follow a natural course yet sometimes extraordinary signs or experiences occur to some.  The extraordinary signs of supernatural phenomenon are signals outside the normal progression of a soul's interior life leading into union with God.  The normal way of seeking God and experiencing union does not include extraordinary events or signs.  This is very good to know, to reassure those who may doubt or envy, either way, those persons who have such signal graces.  Most people advance within, progress in the interior life to union with God without extraordinary events or signs.

While I've realized that I am in a reparation phase, within a large phase of spiritual progression, I must not let the consequences of my sin affect too much, for the grace of full forgiveness is granted, and our journeys continue even if the Holy Spirit also continues to point out insights we can learn from our confessed sins, our wrong-doings, our vices and human flaws.  But reading that in even the unitive phase, following the illuminative which follows the purgative way of the interior life, there is reparation in the unitive phase.

I have wondered how it is that I could be given such signal graces and marvelous conversation with God while at the same time, still perform badly, fall back into my bad tendencies and act on them.  Once more I considered how lacking in self-control, and that I so easily over-invest myself into others' lives, picking up sensations and sorrows that persist and tend to overwhelm. Yes, it causes me to pray much, but I then also do such as speak or write, working out the upset from my ego, I suppose it is, the part of self that cannot bear sorrows felt of others' situations beyond what I can deal with.

This morning, after last night having read something in the book explaining how we all have sanctifying grace in us, like within a seed as an infant, and graces imparted at Baptism, we still can in our lives struggle with sin and with losing or diminishing our life in Christ.  Therein opens what could be a discussion of, and logical, theological explanation of purgation either of the vices and our acting against grace on earth or in purgatory, following our temporal deaths.  What stunned me was the mention that a soul who does not confess and repent fully or who commits sins that were avoidable by the person, will require purgation, to be purified before union with Christ and being in the beatific vision, in heaven.

The immensity of how it was stated gripped me.  I had not considered the aspect of committing sins that are quite avoidable, and my looseness in expressing upsets and criticisms or whatever else is underlying, even if picking up on something that is not for the best or that I need to not be involved, or even if the Lord is calling me to more solitude and silence, prayer and praise of God--I should not cut myself away other than directly taking hold and with courage and compassion, discontinue close involvement, to discontinue the falsity of what has run its temporal course.

So I presented myself to the Lord with these aspects of which I really cannot adequately express here in words, but to the Lord all was conversed in flashes of deep, interior, wordless thought.  I availed myself for perhaps three hours, and I don't recall what all transpired, but it was of His holiness and good, the outcome, even if I cannot describe in words that outcome.  Other than, I can state that I must go forth, as what was is not now, and what is and will be, holds promise of renewal and increase of sanctifying graces and progression to the great desire and goal of the Christian's interior life, the soul's union with His Real Presence.

What is not necessary must fall away.  The vices turned to virtues.  It is all a process, and while some are brought into the unitive way in an immense, seeming "action of supernal movement," many come over a long course, through many levels and types of purifications.  Thus, I was surprised to see that the unitive phase includes that of reparation.

As I continue reading (for I am just at the beginning, not yet 50 pages in after the lengthy introduction), I am thankful to God for the saints, such as John of the Cross, St. Thomas Aquinas, and so many others who influenced Fr. Reginald Garrigou-Lagrange to teach and mentor St. Pope John Paul II and others, and by Garrigou-Lagrange's writings, teach and mentor me.  

Must get up yet again and go for a walk.  The couple has been here, loading the logs from the maple trees felled last April.  They paid for the wood to use in their wood stove for winter, the same amount as I gave a neighbor man who purchased and plugged in the new battery for my truck.  I'm grateful and blessed; we all are.

Praise to and of and in His Real Presence:  Father, Son, and Holy Ghost!

Catholic Hermit: Life of Grace, Begun

Have finished the Introduction to Garrigou-Lagrange's The Three Ages of the Interior Life.  I read about Fr. Reginald Garrigou-Lagrange this morning on Wikipedia, and noticed that the above titled book is considered his seminal masterpiece.  I went to my bookshelves and counted out the 21 volumes I have of his writings; and I marvel at the providence of God for guiding me in my rather excessive, or at least exhaustive, accumulation of a book collection beginning following my mother's passing, 15 years ago.  That was when I had resources to make some purchases.

However, I had only read the small volume, The Three Ways of the Spiritual Life and had begun The Life of Contemplation, amidst reading many other books of other titles and topics as I really did go all in for the blessed gift of the book collection.  All the more I am realizing how fortuitous, as in reading what Garrigou-LaGrange wrote in this Introduction, I know I am going to need his mentorship and spiritual direction through what he has written.  A  priest adept in ascetical and mystical theology is not the norm in today's parishes and perhaps not so accessible in religious orders.

So I'm turning myself over to Pere Garrigou-Lagrange who is adept, tried, and proven over the years while he was on earth and since his death in 1964.  He brings together the theological, gifted mind of St. Thomas Aquinas' writings and the experiential mystical, experiential gifts and writings of St. John of the Cross--both Doctors of the Church.

I'm in good hands as long as I can discipline myself and beseech the Holy Spirit to help my mind, heart, and soul absorb what my outstanding mentor can teach me across the veil as well as within the pages of his published explanations, instruction, and guidance.  This is not the norm for spiritual direction, as there is prudence in a living priest to prod and discuss in two-way, temporal conversation.  However, until the Lord provides a living spiritual director who can provide all the other aspects needed at this point in my spiritual life, I trust the Holy Spirit in all these matters.

After all, the Holy Spirit has done quite well in exposing my sins, especially my most recent major fail of which I still at times take in a deep breath at realizing what I say aloud of myself seems so evil and horribly uncharitable.  At times is hard for me to fathom that I have such propensity to hurt others' feelings so shamefully but without recognizing at the time or prior.  But indeed I have done, not once but other times in past.  My consequences of sin are appropriate and acceptable.

But as repented sin provides, there is opening now to new life.  God forgives even if temporal consequences life-long.  God has provided additionally in the unusual email reconnection with the professor (scholar of St. John of the Cross), and the resultant reading recommendations.  Of Volume 1 of Les Trois Ages de la Vie Interirure, I am now into the first section on sanctifying grace.  

The very first footnote deals with the explanation as to differences between what Thomas Aquinas' depths of theological writing of sanctifying grace and what the 15th c. nominalists and later deviation or flawed understanding of sanctifying grace as represented by Martin Luther.  The truth of the grace our salvation as having supernatural value, and interior infused grace, was lost in Protestantism's and the nominalist's thinking of our salvation as being based on negation of supernatural interior infused grace and instead a moral right to salvation and external ascribing of merits of Christ.

I'm not going to tread into this with my doctor (even though it directly addresses the unexpected encounter as such in recent appointment) not even if he brings up again his conviction that Catholics do not believe in nor have the proper grasp of how we are saved.  But perhaps I can suggest the writings of Garrigou-Lagrange, specifically this title, as it is helping me understand my doctor's concerns for my soul and my salvation.  Garrigou-Lagrange explains it so well in ways that my mind so challenged by pain, probably has not even explained in what I've written in this post!

But what has come to me in general, in praying about the situation with my pain doctor and the recent appointment, is that he and I are on different paths, and in our phases, in our Christian journeys.  He is consistently bumping and returning to more dogmatic theology and in that, differences between what Thomas Aquinas wrote and is considered (even the doctor exclaimed how Aquinas seems to be considered as some great Catholic theologian!) inspired, theological truths in his lifetime of writings--this opposed to what unfolded by the nominalists, and then Luther and others who developed the notion of our grace being given and salvation assured as a right of baptismal grace.  To use Garrigou-Lagrange's temporal example of nominalist/Luther idea:  grace is like being given money to use as a right to institutional tender, as if money proferred in exchange for something (in this case, our salvation).

I realize I'm still not expressing it well, and thus I will not attempt to in verbal discussion.  I am heeding well what the Church states as to my hermit vocation being a silent preaching of Christ.  I am being shown my weaknesses and limitations and to remain in God's custody; I defer to those experts whose lives and minds and vocations and missions were to explain and teach.  What I find most helpful in my relationship to the doctor, is that my spiritual life and understanding is more of the experiential unfolding, such as of John of the Cross' life, understanding, and supernatural graces that are the interior life.

The doctor seems [I'm now much aware that I can't be sure of what is in another's mind except by what I hear and observe] to be thinking with his head, and of that, might be remaining more in the externals of sorts, of the study of God, and of that, externals that are skewed.  Even if the basis for his view of assurance of salvation were not skewed, he does not realize that what he has read and heard of what Catholics believe, are not accurate and based on what is false.  I am not about to poke the doctor on these suppositions, given I am in a position of needing his help in managing my temporal, physiological, debilitating, severe pain.  

[Reality: Unless the Lord wills to provide me a miraculous ability to ascend physical pain, I must take what temporal, medical and pharmaceutical help available, and for which I am humbly grateful.  And, I am reminded of what the convert Cardinal St. John Henry Newman discovered in his own mind and heart opening to other than his non-Catholic upbringing:  To go back in history is to cease to be Protestant.] 

Consider if the doctor could move from what seems to be thinking much with the head and seeming stuck on what he thinks and upsets him about what Catholics believe but actually do not.  Yet he seems to be missing out on what we do believe; and a friendship such as with John of the Cross and his writings might open him more to the interior life, to more think with his heart.  

A friendship with Reginald Garrigou-Lagrange could bring him to understanding better Thomas Aquinas' writings and also the reality of the interior life--a necessity for much progress in the soul's proceeding to union with God--and of the supernatural infusion of graces, for example, that can bring our souls in assurance of faith and on and on. 

Consider the love of God in Himself, of Jesus Christ, of the Holy Spirit in all the fullness of what treasures reside in Catholicism even when we Catholics often lack grasping or opening ourselves to the never-ending treasure chest of this supernal Body of Christ and Christ Himself the Head.  What greatness would this very intelligent medical doctor and loyal follower of Christ experience and the spiritual progressions!

But how many years did it take me even after supernatural interventions of the Holy Spirit leading me into the Church?  It was a full ten years of my researching and studying, and this not so much stuck in errant interpretations of theology, but simply fears from what I'd been told wrongly by others, silly stuff like Catholics worship Mary or Catholics aren't Christian and going to hell.  I also feared the reactions of family and friends, and  of that I did pay what now I consider a small price indeed.  

But the Lord led me through supernatural means and assurances, for early on He told me to think with my heart, and various other temporal but amazing interventions and interactions, and in dreams, locutions, and visions.  I will simply pray for the doctor, for God's will for him, and offer him the likes of St. John of the Cross and Garrigou-Lagrange--mention their names and that he might find them of interest.  I will ask these two to pray for the pain doctor and will praise the Holy Spirit for how helpful already is Garrigou-Lagrange in mentoring and directing my soul, and as always, for the friendship and writings of John of the Cross.

What a tremendous gift from the Holy Spirit in having the professor for whatever reason, out of the blue, email me and now suggest the particular book of the many of Garrigou-Lagrange's writings, and of the journal article she wrote and emailed, of John Paul II's dissertation on aspects of faith in John of the Cross's writings.  

What a gift the Holy Spirit pointed out yet more of my sins and of God's forgiveness.  The consequences thereof help me accept all the more God's wisdom in my Catholic hermit vocation and the needful reboot of focusing on the spiritual journey, the interior life, and what God wills of me in truth, beauty, goodness, faith,, hope, charity and life in Christ!  The fabric is continuously being woven as I think and write, read, repent, and pray and praise!

And for sure, as iterated in today's Mass Scripture readings, our bodies are the temple of Christ; we dwell in Him and He in us.  God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: Coping with Hope in God

I noticed that a blogpost from four years ago regarding suffering had four different reader views.  I noticed the title and decided to read what I'd written.  Lord, have mercy!  It was on severe suffering and how the mind in terrible pain goes to thoughts of so longing to be out of the misery and suffering and to be with the Lord, and went through the various reasons why--but then why one in great suffering would remain faithful in the suffering.

I'd forgotten, even if I know I've struggled with severe pain off and on and constant bad-enough pain all the time, for three-and-a-half-decades this August 22.  I did not realize I'd been so candid; and I'm glad I had been.  Helped me to re-read it!

I can't recall who it was for whom I'd offered my pain back then--the person having had relief from his/her pain enough to travel to visit family.  So I'm reminded for myself, in essence by what I wrote, to have great faith that offering my suffering IS doing some good for someone or other out there.  Plus, there were reminders of the love of God and love of others, and basically a pep talk I need right now, to endure the suffering.

Also, in that blog post, I'd written of how sometimes as well to take enough of the pain medication to essentially get knocked out enough--not literally, of course--but to get enough dose to provide some better relief than minimal or average relief.  Just get a good break from it for a day or a night.  Give myself permission to get decent relief from the severe pain siege that now is lingering for six days.  My lumbar still feels "blown" out; I get the chills at times from the pain.  I've been up twice all day just to go to restroom and get something to drink and very little to eat.  Appetite not up for food.

I had a goal to see if I could mow the yard today.  I do like to set goals, and even if pushing motion helps relieve pressure on the spinal cord being pinched--I'm too sick with pain to walk that much even if small yard.  Yet it was good to have the goal.  I must not be disappointed that I cannot reach it.  So I will consider sometime before dark, if I can roll the trash container down the drive to the curb and water the potted plants.  I'm not "there" yet with getting up to see about actually walking that much.  I know it would lift my spirits immensely if I could accomplish even that!

But the lumbar/low back is "killing" me.  I have a bit of humor over my choice of words, for had it not been for my honesty in how severe the pain becomes--and also, though, how I overcome thoughts of wanting to not have to be in this body of suffering--I'd have had the surgery two weeks ago today.

I have Pere Garrigou-LaGrange's book on The Theological Virtues here by me, but it focuses on the virtue of faith.  I had hopes of learning more about the virtue of hope!  So I also have the Dominican, Jordan Aumann's book, Spiritual Theology.  He writes a few pages about the theological virtue of hope.  I'm interested since my previous post was that of my thoughts on this virtue and on Hope in God.  

Today I've tried in my mind to access the hope that His Real Presence instills in me, has in reservoir, or so I have written it is available to me, for the taking and utilizing.  Yet my mind has been too tired with pain to do much active seeking of the reservoir of hope.  Instead, I am just counting on His Real Presence to keep me filled with the Hope in God I so need right now, especially now.

Even with the surprise phone call--thanks to the second surgeon, I'm sure--from the first surgeon's appointment scheduler, my spirits have been dragging.  The gnawing, burning, stabbing pain in the lumbar and the burning pain in the nerves from hips down legs into feet cries and groans for attention.  I've considered trying to get someone to just take me to an ER, to just tell them to please help my lumbar spine.  Yet, there I noticed that old blog post, and I will try a measure of prudent medication enough to allow at least the mind and body to rest enough, so that tomorrow might include actual relief and more ability to mobilize even slightly more than this.

The first surgeon is willing to see me--in four weeks.  That is the earliest appointment, I'm told.  Of course, I know this is not true.  When the one PA, the good one--assessed me May 6, she said I needed to see the surgeon as soon as he was back in the country, which was May 10.  He was going to operate the week of May 20-24; that did not occur, but they did get me in right away, May 21, when my leg first went numb.  So I know how it all goes.

I mentioned to the person setting up the appointment that I've been down now for six days; and I got the set response:  If you become weaker or lose continence, let us know right away.  I said I am weaker, but then I quickly practiced the lessons I've learned from the way in which this surgeon and his staff have their system set.  I must get with their system.  So I said how grateful--which I had already stated to her--that the surgeon is willing to see me and help me, and humbly asked if at all possible, could she please put me on a cancellation list in case there is an earlier time?

Then, after the call, I called upon any and all Hope in God; and as I've mentioned above, I have to count on His Real Presence--presumably mostly the Holy Spirit to bring the Hope in God to active fruition in my body, mind, heart, and soul.  For I cannot locate that reservoir specifically, and it is taking great faith to know without seeing it (for hope that is seen is no hope at all), that the Hope in God is filled within Him and filled within me who am in Him.  

In fact, it takes tremendous faith (that I'm not "feeling", for faith is not feeling and besides, I'm feeling sick with pain) to trust that what I've thought and written about Hope in God--that Hope is instilled, infused, available in plenty, within us as we are within His Real Presence.  But you realize, perhaps, that when in sickening pain (and this can be physical or any type of pain--emotional, stress, mental, spiritual) that one gets too tired to seemingly have a lot of faith, or much at all in these situations.

Thus, I must assume and know with deep assurance somewhere within and without, that Faith in God comes in the same way--instilled and emanated by the Holy Spirit into us, and is from Jesus the Son and God the Father, much as Love of God is between Father and Son and Holy Spirit, with the Holy Spirit being the bearer of these unseen aspects known as the Three Theological Virtues:  Faith, Hope, and Charity.

When we are really down and seemingly for the count, we must simply hang on for dear life, and let His Real Presence handle all the spiritual needs that we have.

I read in just a line or two earlier today when more fresh to battle the pain, that hope is in the will.  That is in the Aumann book.  I do "hope" (my temporal wishing and desiring--and that has little sway to actual hope in God which is always true and real) that I will not be reading that I must "work hard" with my will to develop and build up hope.  Right now I just need God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit to take care of me.

Being taken care of right now--just seems good, easy, maybe even temporally "hopeful."  Thus the thought of just getting even an ambulance to haul me to some ER and have people take care of me--IV of a strong enough pain med, maybe someone bringing ice packs, someone adjusting pillows under my knees or shoving them behind my back as I really need to be more in fetal position to help relieve pressure from spinal cord that is increasingly squeezed off.  Maybe a surgeon would decide to operate on my lumbar--scrape out the bone spurs, clean out the disintegrated vertebra of the L-3 level, open up space for the spinal cord above the L-4, maybe see when I'm opened up some other aspects that can be rectified.

However, I must bide time, and do what I can here, which is very little.  Hope in God, though, is a lot.  And even when it is not me doing the effort--not my will, so to speak, but Thy Will, Lord, doing the effort to summon the Hope in God--just like the supreme love is to love God in Himself--I need the Trinity to hope God in Himself, for myself.

At least I'm honest about it!  Jesus says His yoke is easy and His burden is light.  I need these theological virtues of hope, faith, and love--especially hope right now--to be easy and light.  Somehow, I trust--yes I have the faith to believe it--that God, Jesus, Holy Spirit, Mary, and my angel Beth, and even my parents and other loving relatives and friends on the other side, can take care of me a bit, and are taking care of me now, tonight, and with whatever the next morrow and morrows after, bring.  At some point, though, if this all gets to be too much, I will need to get some help such as ask Angel (lady who brings communion weekly) if she can bring some salad greens and a few greenish bananas--if I continue to not be able to be up and mobile more than this.

Or I may need to go to an ER.  Just give it up.  I can't blame the surgeons, for ten days ago I really was doing rather well--amazingly so!  I'm not sure what has occurred to bring on this lumbar severity, other than it could be the stenosis just that much worse more suddenly than gradually.  Or, this could be a gnarly pain siege of which I tend to forget after each one how severe they were.  Best to forget them!  Reading that old post, though--I certainly had been in one then, or I'd not been writing about the struggle to want to stay alive as opposed to the joy and yearning to be on the other side.

We just have to bide our time for glory.  That is the "headline".  My son, a journalist and producer for a major broadcaster, sometimes in a phone call of which does not happen often:  Just the headline!  What's the headline!  After all, he is in a high-pressure position, time is different for him than for a mystic, victim soul, consecrated Catholic hermit!  I have the leisure of time to suffer, to ponder Hope in God, to pray and to praise God, to offer my sufferings for any number of people known and unknown, to write lengthy blog posts.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit Shares Bits of This and That

I still am working up the emotional energy to continue writing about the death experience.  I wrote in a couple blogs of the lead up, but I yet will write about what occurred in recovery room and after, including the actual dying process which for me did not include extensive time in heaven.  But it is yet worth writing and sharing, for each person who has these experiences can add a bit of information to the process that so many fear.

This past week I had a couple of nights and a day in civilization.  I was called upon to watch my grandson, age 7, for a day.  It was very good to be among some accepting people, and share love and our Christian values.  Plus, I so enjoyed a shower and delightful living conditions.  This body needed a break from heat, hard manual labor, and minimal type food.  Upon return, I am ever reminded of how the bulk of humanity lives in such conditions as this hermitage--or live in far worse!

I have been praying much for those suffering with Ebola virus, including the two Americans being treated with experimental drugs.  I think so of the people in West Africa who do not have the drugs and who suffer in harsh conditions.  Thanks be to God for missionary medical workers who are with them, trying their best, to save lives and provide any comfort possible.  It is a horrible virus with painful symptoms and a terrible suffering leading most of the victims to death.

Yet, when I consider the death itself, I am blessed to know how joyous it is for those who die.  But I pray for cures and for people to live.  We are born into this life to fulfill our missions, and mercy and compassion are part of humanity's hope and faith and love.

My grandson had plans for us the other day.  He started off making "Gaga" breakfast in bed, bringing a bowl of cereal, container of yogurt, and some water on a metal pizza pan.  We then walked a ways to pick some berries; his mother wanted some for a recipe she planned with dinner.  As the grandson and I walked, we talked of many things. 

Somehow, the Lord put into my mind the reminder that every step we take, every thought we make, is either a step or thought toward heaven, or a step or thought toward hell.  I shared that with the lad.  He is perceptive and quick.  The next morning I could remind him of it when he woke up "on the wrong side of the bed", so to speak.  He pulled out of a bad mood immediately with the reminder of our choices using our free will given by God.

I have pondered the truth of the choices and each step and thought, as I have slipped too many times to count, with not good thoughts--not thoughts that were taking my mind and soul toward heaven.  I had upsetting and negative thoughts, feeling beaten back and discouraged, criticized, and pre-empted in several circumstances.  Not good!  I have turned a corner, once more, with the reminder of how I can choose steps and thoughts toward heaven in each present moment.

A few mornings ago I decided to meet some people who gather at a coffee place.  They are Methodists, and I decided to cast the nets in the water to see how the encounter might unfold.  I was brought up Methodist, and I know the goodness and Christian values thereof.  There were just three of us, and it was a delightful hour of chatting--nothing intense, nothing spiritual per se, but helpful and encouraging.  I am casting nets to see if His Real Presence is going to put a fish or more in them.

I have pondered St. Paul's mission and his involvement not with the Jews but with the Gentiles.  Perhaps my encounters have become too focused on Catholics alone and have ignored what God may wish of me to be more universal in outreach, or to have my light shine in other directions, too.  I will see how this goes, but for now one hour a week of gentle conversation with kindly people seems a good net.

As for where God has called me,  19 years ago, into the Catholic Church, that has not altered.  But my being accepted in parishes has come to empty nets time and again, of sorts.  I did review the tremendous vision and locution involving Jesus Himself, over two years ago.  He specifically showed me Catholic parishioners, mostly women in the foreground, and they were nastily criticizing, judging wrongly, and rather envious and mocking in tone.  Jesus said specifically that I would be criticized and judged within the Church but I was to pay no attention to them.

I have not done so!  I withdrew to protect myself and also to protect them from continuing the abusive behavior, parish by parish.  It is not easy when one is shunned and not really welcome in deed, even if a priest now and then might say I was welcome.  When one extends peace and love and joy, and it is not returned, Jesus in Scriptures says to take back our peace offered and go on to the next place.  I am praying and discerning this Scripture along with His direct message to me of not paying attention to those Catholics who He said would criticize and misjudge me.

And, He also said I would feel very alone.

However, the hour spent in lovely conversation with other Christians, was positive.  I'm not sure how it would be if they knew I am a Catholic.  Isn't it rather a sad situation that Christians of varying re-formations as well as the many varying parishes in the Catholic Church, the varying rites--can have bias?  There is entirely too much division and fussing, or so it seems.

I have to admit it was quite refreshing to be with people who are not caught up in competition with one another for prestige, position or any power.  Unlike the fearful ones I have encountered, or those who judge me, or even insinuate (such as another hermit does without using my name directly) as to mental illness and other unhealthy morbidity, and of causing scandal to the Church.  This other hermit is rather tricky in ascribing such ills.  This is no doubt just part of what Jesus told me to pay no attention to, but the other, even if not at all accurate, is a contrast to steps toward heaven.

The Methodists with whom I shared a cup of coffee in charitable conversation, were devoid of such silly and nasty aspersions.  I suppose partly this is due to their not having hermit vocations, canon laws, or various spiritual experiences in their "system" in how they function as Christians and as an ecclesial group.  Of course, there are many other differences, and I am not suggesting any better or worse; but it is an observation.  I certainly appreciated the breather from scrutiny, regardless!

In the meantime, a young woman called--she has called before and is by now a spiritual friend.  She expressed how lonely she feels despite being a mother and wife.  Her husband is gone quite a bit.  But she feels a different kind of loneliness and longing, and she had called a priest hoping to be able to talk with him and get some counsel on some issues as well as spiritual situations.  He was too busy.

I suggested we read a book together, across the miles.  I do this with an older woman.  We read a few pages or chapter or two--nothing rushed or too taxing as their schedules are always more full by far than my hermit daily life!  So the young woman and I have chosen Rev. Reginald Garrigou-Lagrange's "Mary the Mother of Our Savior".  Garrigou-Lagrange is a great Dominican theologian, Thomist in background and theory, and was a favorite professor of the late John Paul II--as well as of many who find his writings outstanding.

Yes, I explained to the young woman that from my experience thus far, there are few priests today who have the training from seminary or time with experience in their priesthood, to be able to do much wise counseling or who have the time to do so, when a parishioner calls.  They have perhaps one semester training in counseling from seminary, and about one semester in the spiritual or mystical life, such as doing an overview of Teresa of Avila or John of the Cross in that semester.  Otherwise, they have many courses in administration skills for parishes, and a broad spectrum of other such needs including finances and managing lay staff.

So, I said she will be better served to turn to the time periods in which priests were trained more in the spiritual life and to those who we know long after their deaths were exceptional in their ability to guide souls to union with God.  It is not to blame the current priests or seminaries, but it is the reality of our times.  Thanks be to God these other persons left their writings and wisdom in the ways of the spiritual life, Scripture, mystical life, prayer, virtues and even how to combat the devil in spiritual warfare.

We will see how it all unfolds, our reading.  In the meantime, I have some manual labor and much watering in this drought area, and much praying and pondering to do today.  And perhaps, later, if  not too hot in here when the body needs rest due to the physical pain, I will attempt writing the recovery room and death experiences of 27 years ago.