Christian Catholic Mystic Hermit: Suffering and Spiritual Progression

Finally drove not far to the nearest ER where two years ago I needed to also go.  That time it was a DO who instead of a zpack that I expained for years of my annual sinus infection is what works to rid out the illness, had prescribed Augmentin despite my explaining that drug specifically has never worked for me.

Similar situation with the young GP (general practitioner) who prescribed one dose pack of Azithromycin, which did help some and kept the crud going into my throat and lungs as it had two years ago with the DO's poor decision to ignore my sincere, honest input.  So I was at the ER then for help, as I was this afternoon, for help.

The ER doctor had no qualms of a person needing a second go around with an antibiotic if the person was still quite ill and needed more to knock it out.  I've been ill for four weeks now, and I'm still for most part bedridden other than to take the pup (over 5 1/2 months old now) outside for her elimination needs.  When I stand up and walk, I can "feel the earth moving under my feet."  The sinuses are impacted yet, but there has been progress.  Just stuck, though, with this level of too much sickness to be able to function much.

I gave that doctor a most sincere "GOD BLESS YOU!" as he was finishing up, and he appreciatively thanked me for my gratitude.  He also put through to that particular hospital system's case manager to find a new GP for me plus an ENT (Ear, Nose, Throat specialist) as I'm not opposed to going to one, but a good GP can handle easily one sinus infection a year, and grasp that it might take two z-packs to clear the sinuses of infection.  The young doctors tend not to be able to handle sinus infections, at least not in my lived experience

So I made progress today with the ER doctor, and I'm praying along with the azithromycin that God will use His healing love and power to help me improve, make progress in feeling well enough to be up and about without dizziness and feeling so sick.  The pup has had enough of no walks, no errands where she can go inside and be adored by other customers.... She loves her fans.

And I figure I've made progress in suffering as well as in spiritual understanding in a most positive regard.  I understand more the positive passageway of the temporal Church and the positive passageway of the stairway to heaven.  The former seems to me to be necessary, for there is so much to learn and ways in which to grow in the temporal Catholic Church! I cannot imagine what my life would have been without these years of spiritual growth and learning more than I can begin to describe.  And the temporal Protestant churches as passagways to God prior to my conversion to Catholicism also provided much especially in His Living Word and conversational prayer, plus acts of love and kindness, helping others, and loving one another.  But Catholicism is massive learning in comparison, and rich and deep--and the Mass is incomparable to anything in other churches.

I was fully expecting to remain stagnant, safe and secure in the temporal Catholic Church, go to Mass which I love, once or twice a day for the rest of my life.  I had come to accept I'd not be actively involved in parish outreach programs, but I did not know but was not surprised when God showed me His will in the hermit vocation.  That was already forewarned by a vision 13 years prior when my grandmother appeared and told me that I would need to learn to hibernate like a bear for protection from the world.

But God does not expect nor want us to remain stagnant in our spiritual lives any more than we remain stagnant in our physical, temporal lives. So I found myself wondering, having a hard time believing and trusting that God was progressing me not just spiritually, but that spiritual progress includes ourselves--ou bodies, minds, hearts, and souls.  I did not let go, did not detach, nor die to my thinking that nothing would change regarding my being in a parish and in daily Mass, in tangibly receiving Communion nor in tangibly going to confession with the priest as a stand-in, or intermediary, of Christ--in alter Christi.

I finally understood and grasped this with a peace and positive fullness not long ago.  This after many attempts to ignore what His Real Presence had offered me, was asking of me, was telling me His will.  I marveled at my guardian angel leading me to the stairway to heaven; I rejoiced when Christ explained the consummation would not be after our most glorious post-wedding banquet, and that I was to pay no attention to parishioners and priests henceforth, but to remain strong, to wait, and emphasized yet again to "REMAIN STRONG."  He had to attend to other souls but would return for me.  Just wait and be strong.

The spiritual life does not necessarily and I suppose rarely, occur in one fell swoop of insight and growth.  The spiritual life is a gradual progression over the course of a Christian's lifetime.  It then continues on into eternity.  We graduate from one level into the next, over and over and over in metapmorphoses which occur in nature with such as the butterfly.  Thus, while I delayed this next phase by my not trusting, not having the faith necessary for I simply had a hard time understanding why God would not have me remain in the temporal Catholic aspects, and instead have me pass through that long corridor, seemingly going on infinitely of a vision the night prior to my Catholic conformation.

In earth years, it was nearly to the day and might have been exactly 13 years after that vision came the vision and locution of my guardian angel taking me by my right forearm and telling me I was being led to the Stairway to Heaven.  Indeed, that occurred, and the last I knew of that matter, I was standing at the base of a stairway glorious, that seemed to go onward, upward, infinitely. 

Then when priests and parishioners did not want me in their parishes due to my having mystical ecstasies during Mass which priests were bothered by and also rumors that I could see into people, priests in particular, and parishioners thought I was being rude or faking a spiritual phenomenon, that was when the banquet occurred four years after the ecstasies began.  The mystical wedding had occurred several years prior to even the stairway to heaven vision; and the espousal of my soul occurred in June of 1987 when I was a Protestant!

So we can know that spiritual progression often is spread out over decades. It just depends on God's will and way and His timing which might not be years to God but is to humankind.

Now that I'm grasping that the temporal Catholic Church at some point gives way to His Mystical Church, I return within to the Stairway to Heaven and what it is that I am to learn and how to progress on the stairway, having now accepted that I have progressed through the passageway the in my spiritual life has led to the stairway to heaven.  What next?

I suppose to continue to take note of that which makes the temporal Church temporal, and seek what is in the temporal Church shared with His Mystical Church, and to ask His Real Presence to help me adapt to His Mystical Church.  I doubt that will take much in human years once one in faith accepts the passageways as means of our spiritual progression, and not to cling to one nor the other but remain fluid in His Real Presence, to be done with and shown whatever He wills, and whenever and however He wills.

All I can do is share my own experiences and progression, and the passageways as they are shown me and what they represent. So I'm now facing the Stairway to Heaven and have passed through the temporal Church and understand now that I am in His Mystical Church.  I must remain open and with faith, trust, hope--and continue to strive in my own likely awkward ways to practice living as God loves.  While I ask Him to teach me how to love as He loves, there is that part of me that is eager and will try, also in what I think it is to love as God loves.  He understands, and hopefully laughs a bit at my strivings!

It has always seemed with me, regarding His Real Presence which is God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit (the Holy Trinity), to put one foot forward knowing that His Real Presence will soon enough correct me or also take me along by the hand or have me follow along in His Footsteps.  Now I must image that stairway I was shown, wide at the base and narrowing as it ascends, and going on upward beyond what even my spiritual, inner eyes could see.  Image the stairway and contemplate the aspects of His Mystical Church, and more so participate in His Mystical Church which is eternal yet accessible while yet in our bodily forms.

That is all I am going to share or explain for now.  I have been in the past few posts trying to explain the temporal and the mystical Church, and I might not have done a good job of explaining, nor that His Mystical Church is not an utter rejection or renunciation of the temporal Church.  The temporal Church as I mentioned toward the beginning of this post, seems requisite to me, to progress through as it is also a passageway that links on to the Stairway to Heaven, and where we will be in His Mystical Church at some point in our spiritual progression.  

All according to God's will and our cooperation, in His time and way and will be when we let go more of the temporal aspects of the temporal Church that are not His per se, and seek His ways and seek Him all the more, and being willing to begin the climb, one by one, a lonely-seeming ascending, but in mystical reality not alone at all. But temporally, bodily, no: we climb the Stairway to Heaven of His Mystical Church, some in this temporal life while we yet are in temporal bodies, but our bodies are not what makes the assent. Others will climb the Stairway to Heaven in this temporal life.  

I know not why not, other than perhaps God has those remain in the long passageway of stone floors and walls and rooms off to the side, with much instruction, books, learning to be done according to the ability to progress in faith, hope, and love, as well as to die to and relinquish attachment to temporal, including temporal Church.  Some he may have in the temporal Church to help others to grow and learn and if priests, to hopefully learn the reality of the Mystical Church and show the way to their flock, giving glimpses at the altar, from the temporal into the Mystical Church.  

Or, for priests themselves to pass through the temporal-spiritual passageway themselves and experience the Stairway to Heaven, His Mystical Church--although this latter would require much courage for a priest, and to keep much hidden for there would be many who would not understand--parishioners and those above him in the temporal hierarchy such as bishops and cardinals and even a pope.  For, some while on earth will be interested in temporal progression, not so much in ascending the stairway to heaven and experiencing His Mystical Church.

Perhaps this year's sinus infection, the suffering going on now into the fifth week, has been beneficial in my asking His Real Presence to help me understand what is going on in my spiritual progression.  And thus, the visions and the Scriptures--His Living Word--have been falling into place beautifully with connections and seeing both passageways.  Also, I have been shown, through His Living Word and what is in temporal actuality or not, what is the temporal Church of today and what is not the temporal, thus what is His Mystical Church of which I do believe I have but marginal balance on the first step.

I don't expect anyone reading this to grasp or understand the reality of the passageways and progressions from temporal Church and our temporal belief to His Mystical Church and our spiritual progression.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Love in His Love!

Christian Catholic Mystic Hermit: In Need of Prayers

 Appreciate prayers for severe pain and nausea from the pain.  Going along with His Living Word, striving to live in Him every moment, suffering and not knowing how I will manage especially now with the pup Mercy.  God will provide.  

I have no idea how the lumbar has flared so much, shooting pain down legs, left knee has worsened, but the new area of pain is the left shoulder and upper left back, with nerve pain burning down left arm particularly in the night making hands and fingers numb.  This could be unrelated to the bad neck situation, or could be some type of shoulder injury that I was unaware of.  All-told, the pain is literally sickening.  Pain pump was increased three days ago to no improvement that I can discern.  

At times seems more pain than i can bear, and so unexpected is the left shoulder pain and all it affects.

Years ago I offered all my sufferings for Holy Church; the temporal Church specifically with its many challenges and issues from our human interference and alterations and sin nature.  I figure the Lord is utilizing this horrible pain currently for many problems that break His Sacred Heart.

Summer of 1995 in a powerful waking locution I was told that my sufferings and the sufferings of Holy Mother Church shall be made one.  So this is just more of it.

Thank you for prayers that I can endure this pain over the weekend.

God Bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: Jesus Answers My Every Need

Always, ever--somehow supernaturally--Jesus always answers my every need.  It might not be a need of the body or of this temporal realm, but always Jesus responds and provides answers to the most important of all needs:  those of the mind, heart, and of the spirit and soul!

He does this answering our every spiritual need, for all of us.  He answers through Scripture, through the writings of saints who, just like us, suffered greatly but in turning always to Christ, found in Christ all answers, all provisions, all love.

Here, in the early morning hours when this body awakens with more pain than can be humanly tolerated, Jesus takes my mind from severe headache and spinal agony, from the burning legs and feet, from the crackling in the lungs--He takes me away in His Love through the spiritual writing selection of St. Raphael Arnaiz Baron (1911-1938).

This Spanish Trappist monk writes of just how I feel and provides support and authenticity to my own way of being.  He does so with positivity and truth; he shares and uses the very words that a mean-spirited person uses in negativity of criticism and attempted derision, always.  So as the mean-spirited human write negatively and proudly as if entitled to pronounce verdicts on others, the Saint Raphael Baron writes of humility, of the most beautiful and necessary aspects of solitude and isolation, of recollection and silence.

Indeed, this saint who suffered greatly in life--a true spiritual soulmate across the thin veil from my hermitage bed and his expanse of heaven--writes of our needs--of my need--being none other than the life of Jesus of which our souls--my soul--must be hidden from all.  This dear saint writes in truth that our souls--my soul--needs "to be hidden with Christ, to seek out some corner of the earth where the world's profane stares do not reach and there to stand alone with its God."

I love to write these selections out, word by word, for in so doing it is as if Jesus helps me make the thoughts so rich and deep coming from the Holy Spirit into such as the mind and heart and soul of St. Raphael Baron and then as if into my mind and heart and soul.  But certainly, in even the very choice of words, Jesus is answering my every query, my every wonderment, my every need and reassures me that this path He has me on is His chosen path for me and was His path chosen for His saints.

The positivity and supernatural effects of the irony of earthly timing for these words uplift in Christ's truth whereas mean-spirited negations, spurious innuendos and derisions reveal the insecurities and self-pride within those who have need to express themselves in such manner.  What is Jesus telling me of my path, of what is my heart's desire?  What does Jesus find of me, of where is my mind, heart, and soul and of myself in Him that He loves for me to share with Him and with others?

All the while I find Jesus in my pain, just as the Virgin Mary, with her son Jesus, united with her, together, told me this great truth years ago:  You will find Him in your pain. And while this is true for everyone who seeks Jesus and who suffers--for we all suffer--some find Jesus in their pain in every present moment.  And this recognition is of pain and of Jesus, for never is Jesus separate from Himself; nor is He separated from me as I find Him in my pain.  

"Just as Jonah was in the belly of the whale three days and three nights, so will the Son of Man be in the heart of the earth three days and three nights" (Mt 12:40); and so will I remain in the Heart of Jesus as victim soul of His Sacred Heart, finding Him always in my pain, three days and three nights, the Trinity of my life here on this temporal earth.  The reality is of union with Jesus in the pain, not in the pain of itself as if devoid of Jesus our Savior, our Beloved--my love, my Love, my only LOVE.  

This is for everyone, but especially is it prominent in those who are called to suffer greatly in this life.  When one suffers to the point of the pain riveting us to, with, and in the Sacred Heart of Jesus, then we find Him inextricably intertwined in our pain that is His Pain, His Love, our pain, our Love, our painfully loving union in Christ Jesus.  My existence, my message, my clarion love song, calling out plaintively, painfully: The cross the cross and only the cross!  My love, my Love, my only Love!

Yet I also see the good and the truth in what St. Raphael Baron mentions of not filling the world with sorrowful groans or let the world know of our afflictions other than in the expressions of sharing with Jesus.  For Who understands, who always listens with compassion and mercy, who always knows how very much it hurts and that all the more we find Him in the worst and most difficult pains of the suffering?  He Who Is Jesus is the answer!  We know Him intimately in our sufferings.

But yes, the world and those in it whom we encounter when out and about do not need nor in most cases want to know of such as an old hermit's excruciating headache or intractable spine pain.  But as examples, of the persons who brought me meals after the spine surgery, some benefitted from seeing, asking about, and listening to what had occurred in my suffering body.  Through the opening of visually seeing me and of my verbal expression, they then felt comfortable sharing their earthly suffering, of their and their family's trials, of their prayer needs.  They benefitted in the spiritual insights that suffering is an opportunity, suffering is positive, and that in suffering, we will find Jesus in our pain.

But it all depends on the others and their needs, depends on the setting and situation, and  depends on our sensing in the present moment what are the needs of others.  Those who lack compassion or who have not suffered perhaps great degrees of pain, tend not to cope with others' expression of suffering.  I know that I must strive always to find Jesus in my pain, and to be a silent preaching of Christ--and in fact, of Christ crucified.  For those with suffering which does noticeably and notably affect our temporal (and spiritual) lives, there is no way around hiding suffering, such as the man who was blind and using his hands to count the rows and bins above the seats and tapping his white caned, found his seat on the airplane.

"To dedicate oneself to an art or go deeper into a science, the mind needs solitude and isolation, it need recollection and silence.  But for the soul in love with God, the soul that sees no other art or science than the life of Jesus, the soul who has found the hidden treasure in the ground (Mt 13:44), neither silence nor recollection in solitude is enough.  It needs to be hidden from all; it needs to be hidden with Christ, to seek out some corner of the earth where the world's profane stares do not reach and there to stand alone with its God.  

"The secret of the King (Tb 12: 7) is spoiled and loses its luster when it is unveiled.  It is this secret of the King we must conceal so that no one can see it, this secrete that many think to be made up of divine communications and supernatural consolations; this secret of the King that we envy in the saints often comes down to a cross. 

"Let us not put our light under a bushel basket, Jesus says to us (Mt 5:15).... Let us cry our faith to the four winds, fill the world with shouts of enthusiasm for so good a God; let us not cease to preach his Gospel and say to all who would hear us that Christ died loving, nailed to the tree, that he died for me, for you, for that other one.  If we truly love him, don't let us hide it, don't let us put the light that can lighten others under a bushel basket.

"To the contrary, blessed Jesus, let us carry interiorly, and without anyone knowing it, this divine secret, the secret you entrust to the souls who love you best, this particle of your cross, your thirst, your thorns.  Let us hide in the remotest corner of the earth our tears, our pains, our sorrows.  Don't let us fill the world with sorrowful groaning nor let the tiniest bit of our affliction reach anyone....  Let us hide ourselves with Christ to make him a sharer, him alone, with what, strictly speaking, is his business alone:  the secret of the cross.  Let us learn, once and for all, as we meditate on his life, passion and death, that there is only one way of coming to him:  the way of the holy cross."  

This last portion of which St. Raphael Arnaiz Baron writes, has to do with suffering and of how to keep pain and trials more hidden from others, from the world.  Of these thoughts, I have some thoughts, as well, and I will share more fully in particular this section of the saint's writings on this aspect in the preceding blog post.  I have written some of my thoughts to the spiritual director, along with this entire selection from St. Baron's spiritual writings.

I generally do not receive responses or personal input or specific guidance; rather this new spiritual director tends to occasionally send quotes of saints or portions of Scripture which remind me to focus on Jesus, on God alone.  I appreciate that reminder, although I yet am working out thoughts and aspects involving applications of the spiritual to the actual living out the temporal life.  Perhaps the new spiritual director is more living out the spiritual life in the spiritual, having transcended the temporal life for the most part.  That is a possibility as to why no temporal life type guidance nor comment.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: St. Servulus, Inspiring, Suffering, Victim Soul

I've found some information on St. Servulus, and this saint seems a much-needed friend and mentor currently.  I'm praying to have this man's strength of praising God and singing hymns of glory to God in my mind and heart of love.  The suffering of increased pain at increased levels is yet difficult for me to manage even with meds, so I look to St. Servulus to be here with me, inviting him to guide and inspire.  

While I know it takes time to adapt to increasing suffering, my desire as a hermit is to be of the law of God--the law of His Love--and simply, sincerely genuine.  This is definitely a phase in my spiritual life and as a consecrated Catholic hermit, as a friend, parent of adult children, and as a soul honed by years of pain yet still with plenty of sins and imperfections to be sanded and prayerfully, hopefully in God, polished smooth with the glow of my soul's finished product, all of God's grace and doing.

I know I have a way to go, that is for certain.  Yet each step, each day, each phase reflects the actualities of melding the challenges of personal temporal and spiritual life within the vehicle of my hermit vocation until that moment in which the Lord calls me from the temporal to be fully with Him in heaven. Servulus has a challenge in me, should he accept my invitation to dwell in whatever essence God allows, in Solus Deus Hermitage and in my heart.  Plenty of room for the angels and saints--and that includes my saintly ancestors and friends now on the other side!  Welcome here!

 Servulus was a beggar, and had been so afflicted with palsy from his infancy that he was never able to stand, sit upright, lift his hand to his mouth, or turn himself from one side to another. His mother and brother carried him into the porch of St. Clement's Church at Rome, where he lived on the alms of those that passed by.

        He used to entreat devout persons to read the Holy Scriptures to him, which he heard with such attention as to learn them by heart. His time he consecrated by assiduously singing hymns of praise and thanksgiving to God.

        

After several years thus spent, his distemper having seized his vitals, he felt his end was drawing nigh. In his last moments he desired the poor and pilgrims, who had often shared in his charity, to sing sacred hymns and psalms for him. While he joined his voice with theirs, he on a sudden cried out: "Silence! do you not hear the sweet melody and praise which resound in the heavens?" Soon after he spoke these words he expired, and his soul was carried by angels into everlasting bliss, about the year 590.

And this I found, also:

Saint Servulus of Rome

Invalid and Beggar
(† 670)

Saint Servulus of Rome

Saint Servulus was a perfect model of submission to the divine Will; it would be difficult to offer a more consoling example to persons afflicted by poverty, illnesses and the other miseries of life. It is Saint Gregory the Great who narrates for us his edifying story:

We have seen under the portico of the Church of Saint Clement, a poor man named Servulus, who is known to all the people of Rome as to Us. He was deprived of all the goods of this world; a long illness had reduced him to a pitiful state. From his youth he was paralyzed in all his members. Not only could he not stand up, but he was unable to rise from his bed; he could neither sit down nor turn himself from one side to the other, nor bring his hand to his mouth. Nothing in him was sound except his eyes, ears, tongue, stomach and entrails.

This unfortunate man, who had learned the mysteries of religion, meditated unceasingly on the sufferings of the Saviour, and never did he complain. He was surrounded by the loving care of his mother and brother. Neither the mother nor the children had ever studied, yet the paralytic had pious books bought for himself, in particular the Psalms and the Holy Gospels, and he would ask the religious who came to visit him on his cot to read from them to him. In this way he learned these books by heart; he spent days and part of the nights in singing or reciting them, and meditating them, and he constantly thanked the Lord for having taken him to be a victim associated with the pains and sufferings of Jesus Christ.

Many alms came to the little house of the paralytic, to such an extent that he became rich in his poverty. After having taken from these what was necessary for his subsistence and that of his mother, he gave the rest to the indigent, who often assembled around him to be edified by his words and his virtues. His bed of pain was a pulpit of preaching, from which he converted souls.

When the time came which was decreed by God to reward his patience and put an end to his painful life, Servulus felt the paralysis spreading to the vital parts of his body, and he prepared for death. At the final moment, he asked those in attendance to recite Psalms with him. Suddenly he cried out: Ah! Don't you hear that melody resounding in heaven?' At that moment his soul escaped from his body, which until his burial gave forth a marvelous fragrance.

Vie des Saints pour tous les jours de l'année, by Abbé L. Jaud (Mame: Tours, 1950).

Shared from this site:  https://sanctoral.com/en/saints/saint_servulus_of_rome.html

God bless His Real Presence in us, this Christmas Eve, 2019!

Catholic Hermit: Blessed Christ the King!

It's taken the usual morning and into afternoon to get a grip on pain, but the time has been spent as well as I hope in God possible--a phone call from an elderly friend whose son not much younger than I, had a golf ball-size tumor removed a week ago tomorrow.  Benign is the word from test results just in!  Praise God Almighty, Creator of heaven and earth and all creatures therein!

Then a greeting from an eldest sister who is on a cruise with her husband, wishing me well in recovery and Happy Thanksgiving.  Very kind; they were in port for a couple hours with internet service.  I returned a greeting and thanks, and also that this morning I thought of  her and our other sister, next elder one, and that 46 years ago today we were all together, as they were in my late morning wedding at the Methodist Church in which we were brought up those many years ago.

This morning I had prayed another forgiveness of the ex-spouse, and thought briefly--enforced briefly--of the ten years of marriage and of the infidelity and other life the spouse was living for all of it.  Forgiveness was given immediately all those years ago, yet I did factor that had the spouse not left after the accident, or had I heeded reality checks along the way, there'd not have been an accident had I heeded some situations, or had I not had to exert so much after the spouse left and divorced, I'd likely not needed the back surgery in which the mistakes were made, causing this Adhesive Arachnoiditis and life of suffering and increasingly so.

However, of course I stopped those realities and replaced with the realities of the greatest treasures of my earthly existence in the form of three beautiful, accomplished, and beloved children--now all adults with significant others and two with families of their own.  They each are past age 33, the age in which my life was drastically altered, painfully so, and for that I am extra grateful to God.  They had various other sufferings to endure from early ages, their childhoods hindered and difficult in contending with a single parent with chronic pain and limited resources.  

I do hope in God that they will realize, perhaps after we are all passed from this temporal earth, just how much I love and treasure them and thank God for them; they were the precious jewels God gave me for the best portions of the temporal.

But not to dwell on all that past, other than in my current effort in acceptance of this highest level of pain consistently, to date, and of a thankfully greater understanding, on my part, as to what these three beloved persons, now adults, experienced.  To their credit and the glory of God, they succeeded in trooping through those years, through college, through their adult lives thus far.  None of it is easy for anyone--simply living in the temporal world, everyone with their own sufferings of various types, their challenges, and much hard work.

Thus this day commemorating Christ the King is extra meaningful to me as a human, a parent, a child of God, a victim soul of Jesus, a consecrated Catholic hermit, a friend to those who can cope with the effects of what I can somewhat explain of Adhesive Arachnoiditis, and also to express their prayer needs, for I do sometimes think that the Lord answers my prayers in an added blessing of ways unknown and unseen.

Some others, mostly the handful of Catholic friends who remain in contact over the years, think so, also.  Somehow the Lord is very linked to those of us who suffer and who offer ourselves fully to Christ our King.  We remain more on the cross with Him than anywhere other.  We scan the daily news for bits of details and persons and entire situations for which we pray.  Our lives become a prayer of pain, the pain praying as much or more than words or thoughts in our minds or feelings in our hearts.

And the more I consider what I wrote last evening of the intrinsic qualities of love and pain being bound as if one, or at least interchangeable in some aspects and references, we embrace the cross as love, and we suffer pain as love.  We come to love to suffer and suffer to love.  We find Christ the King in our pain.

We do not glorify pain, of course; we glorify Christ the King, our Savior, our Lord of Lords!  Yet He is to Whom we cling in our suffering, constantly in some of our cases, and we accept that others may not possibly be able to understand that need, that essential aspect of our lives--to cling to Jesus on the cross, for we cannot manage without Him, without what others might find extreme clasping, extreme focus, extreme love of Christ, the Son of God to Whom we go, and the Holy Spirit, likewise, to Whom we grasp in the desperation of such suffering, of pain that has become love, and love that is pain.

There is glory in such love, glory in Christ our King, victory through and of and from His salvific suffering and redeeming all of us humans--those who seek Him in whatever degrees of seeking and even clutching, clinging--and those who have gotten busy in other things, who have minds elsewhere, who have grown distant or not ever really been that close.  Those of us who suffer enough to love so much and need Him in every breath to hold us tight--we include in our pain and love, all others.

That is the least we can do and be and pray.  And to be praise of His glory, to be living, suffering praise of God through sickness and health, through good times and bad; and in Christ, not even death will we part.

God bless Christ the King present within us!

Catholic Hermit: Rough Week

As this is of my journey--my spiritual journey as a consecrated Catholic hermit--the truth includes the difficulties, such as this week has for the most part been quite challenging against discouragement that has settled in.  I think it has to do with the level of pain that is unrelenting--more than ever I've had to endure on a steady basis.

(Of course, I exclude the acute pain post-surgery, the pain of the lengthy incision and the extreme pain in any movement at all.  But I was on plenty of medication then, and the anesthetic took awhile to leave the system.  So this pain is not the same type, but it is still far more than the pain I had prior to surgery in the general sense of spinal pain that I bore, which did not include the stenosis issues or disintegrated vertebra.)

This pain now is such that I am worn out.  I find it more comfortable to remain in bed on the icy pad than to try to go for a walk.  I attempted another trial run to the grocery, 1.5 miles away.  That resulted in extreme pain but made it back to the hermitage safely despite my headlights not working properly.  Burned out?  That would be appropriate to my temporal condition, as well!  This time a customer plus checker noted my white face, evidently; the customer started bagging the groceries while the checker called for help to get cart and myself to my truck and groceries and me into the truck.  Yes, I want to say I did a tad better this time than nearly three weeks ago when I tried the errand.

Tomorrow will be four months since the surgery.  I do not sit at the table nor attempt the sofa or lounge chair.  I know just from the Lyft rides, that sitting that amount of time is disastrous, pain-wise.  The effects seem to come the most the next day.  I know I probably should keep trying to walk, trying to get interested in some little thing or other to "do"--even clear off a counter.  But I lack impetus even to read this week, other than Scripture and daily commentary.  Well, I did read through some of the information that came via email regarding the parish course on dreams.  I will read more of that, for it is quite interesting with more on St. Theresa of Avila and St. Joseph, this week.

I decided to see if there were other options to include in handling what I think might be a major part of this pain situation:  the arachnoiditis.  I researched more, this afternoon, and realize I have the "Adhesive Arachnoiditis"--the nerves are clumped within the spinal cord, so adhesion has occurred.  I re-read the unfortunate prognosis of which this rare disease is progressive.  I did find one doctor who thinks there are helps for it in a combination of hormone therapies, steroids or anti-inflammatory medications, more recently created nerve medication typically used for epilepsy, and opioids.

I read about what is not good to try, of which injections of steroids in the spine are considered not good at all as it tends to make the condition and pain worse.  That is exactly what I tried to explain, in vain, to the pain doctor last early July, but he was insistent.  I ended up in ER that night with a most horrific headache that none of the medications I have would help.  At least I know why those injections such as one years ago, cause more pain and problems than worth, cost, and hassle.

There are a few forums of arachnoiditis patients, but some of the persons had not been actually diagnosed, so the profitability not accurate or as helpful.  Those who had been diagnosed had not had it as long as I have, but their symptoms and agony and the progressive nature was tragic and real.  I recognized the symptoms, also, from the additional information I found on specifically Adhesive Arachnoiditis--with again the notation that most doctors will not have heard of it.  But more will become aware, although there is the reminder that not many people actually have the adhesive type, so not to be looking for specialists in AA, anytime soon.

That is fine.  I simply need to get on top of the pain and discern if best I remain in bed, or if I should try to make myself go for a daily walk.  I am so discouraged with the slightest effort increasing pain to a point that I have trouble managing it; yet I know that walking and stretching are about the only physical helps recommended as far as exercise per se.  A major point for that is to increase oxygen flow which is always good for nerves, muscles, and tissues.

Installing an electro-stimulator is not recommended; it is thought that only increases likelihood of pain issues from the surgical install, and the help for adhesive arachnoiditis minimal to nil.  Since the symptoms and pain worsen with time, some have morphine pumps installed.  But the good of researching more and of reading a few persons' experiences, seems as well to not go the pump route; they require maintenance.

All I know for sure is that this week has been most challenging thus far since surgery, regarding the consistency higher level of pain and the reality that other than remaining in bed on icy pack, any activity makes the pain worse and fatigues me further.  Yet, I pray the Lord help me to go for a walk tomorrow.  I know that the exercise and oxygen flow through the body is healthy.  Perhaps I need to increase the medication dose to offset the added pain of going for a walk. I have no idea how one walk a day and the rest of the time in bed is going to affect the body over a long period of time; I've never had to be down so much over this length of time.  The pain sieges would be a few days to on occasion a few weeks if pneumonia or other illness included.

But whatever else, I do need to get my courage up, the attitude up, the spiritual reading up, the body up--and maybe the pain meds up until perhaps a little walking daily over more weeks and months will build up some type of stamina to not need to be in bed all or as much of the time as now.  And I'm also praying that the Holy Spirit help me, somehow, supernaturally handle this level of pain.  I hope in God He knows this is getting to be too much.  Obviously, He knows.  We're together in this place, this Solus Deus Hermitage, in this room.

I'm praying for whoever out there has Adhesive Arachnoiditis.  I appreciated reading a couple or three stories of people who have it, unfortunately so; and yes, they were persecuted, particularly if not diagnosed for several years. I could relate.  Plus, it is confusing to the patient him- or herself, in that the symptoms also develop and increase over time.  I guess it is good to information gather; I'm thankful for the few forums I noticed.  I also realize that it can be quite sad, thus fact-find but remain focused on my eremitic vocation!

I'm really only going to get through however many years left of increasing pain, by the grace of God.  So I'm hunkering in with the Lord, praying for others (yes, this week I have been keeping up with prayers for others even though my prayers have been droopy perhaps!).  Just have to hang on to Christ and know He's got a far greater and stronger grip on me.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: Needing Strength

Today this pained, Catholic hermit is needing strength of His Real Presence.  Angel (person who used to bring me the consecrated Host for Holy Communion about once a week) must still be away.  While she'd given to the parish nurse her list of those to whom she brought the consecrated Host, evidently no substitute parish visitor took up the blessed task.  So His Real Presence is needed here in Solus Deus Hermitage in the various other ways we Catholics can receive Eucharist [see post on Eucharist and Hermit].

The physical pain remains at higher level than what it had been.  No progress in being able to be up, walk a little bit, do the minimal, physical therapy exercises, or in stamina to stand in kitchen such as to make oatmeal.  The pain simply yet noticeably rises when I am up and out of bed, off the icy pad therein.  

The physical therapist on her final visit 10 days ago said to give her updates now and then.  This morning I texted my current plight of this week, and of my needing to accept and adapt to the reality that I am an invalid, 2 1/2 months post spinal surgery.  I've had to cut back on the very limited walking and other aspects of self-care like getting food from fridge or changing out the ice pump ice, twice a day.  I mentioned my sleep is now but five hours at night, if that.  Perhaps I must return to the additional medication at night--as I've had to otherwise increase the other medication, essentially, by taking it in closer intervals?  I also wonder, and texted thus, is the shift in weather into autumn also causing increased pain?

The physical therapist texted back that I should try to get in to see the surgeon sooner.  I responded with this additional reality:  there is nothing the surgeon can say or do about this fact of yet-higher pain than prior to surgery and higher pain than a week ago.  Is the walking and minimal physical therapy exercises plus my cooking a few pieces of chicken breast (last Sunday) too much?  I'm already 99% bedridden--getting up for necessity of basic self-sufficiency and doing the minimal, basic body movements like walking up and down the stairs 2-3 times a day for exercise, and standing at base of stairs 2-3 times a day with one foot on first step, and lifting the other leg and body, up to 10 times each side.  Was trying to do the modified "plank" exercise too much?  Perhaps! 

What could or would the surgeon say to me?  He already said a month ago that he's convinced it is 85% chance that my pain will be less.  But it is not, at least not thus far.  Yes, it is less than immediately after the surgery--the acute pain that comes with invasive repair work, particularly on the spine.  However, I am not at all making progress these past few weeks and in fact am currently in regression in being able to tolerate pain that is definitely increased, even when on my back, in bed, on this icy pad.  Nerve pain down the hips and legs are definitely increased, too.

The painful ordeal that would be even worse the day after sitting in a car to ride to and from surgeon's office, my mind cannot agree to attempting--especially when, truly, the surgeon can say nor do anything to change the reality of my outcome at this point.  The pain should not be going in this reverse direction; but it is, and the only action is to accept and adapt, and for now to not physically "do" other than the least problematic aspects of getting up for necessities.  

The PT suggested my keeping a log of activities. I have been doing so.  I'm not up the 8 times a day I had been.  If this pain is partly due to the cooler weather, there is nought I can do about it.  I know for a fact that remaining in bed more is not helpful to increasing the endorphins (brain chemical that helps body manage pain); but what if the pain is such that being up increases pain more than what staying reclined proffered?

I'm exhausted with and by pain.  I reminded the PT that she'd said to check in now and then, and this is probably more my attempt to accept and adapt to the invalid status at least for now by writing the issues to someone whose done her best to instruct me in what is usually for-the-best.  However, I'm in a situation now that seems best-to-face.  Perhaps over time, this higher level of pain will simmer down.  Writing of it in this blog helps a little in the necessary acceptance and adaptation process the mind and heart must make when the hoped-for outcome is not happening, for now.  I always must add the "for now."  Only God is forever.

This broken record even of writing of the reality of this pain is so repetitive.  It gets old. So I turn, as always, increasingly to God, for only God knows and only God is forever.

The first reading from the prophet Nehemiah gifts with the Eucharist we receive in the Living Word of God.  This portion of what is being proclaimed today at Masses the world over  unites me in communion, as well, with the entire Body of Christ--souls including many others with sufferings, others in the Church, others in His Real Presence on this side and on the other side, for all eternity.

"'Do not be saddened this day,
for rejoicing in the LORD must be your strength!'
And the Levites quieted all the people, saying,
'Hush, for today is holy, and you must not be saddened.'
Then all the people went to eat and drink,
to distribute portions, and to celebrate with great joy,
for they understood the words that had been expounded to them."

My main takeaway of this scriptural, "daily bread,"  this "bread of life," are the words of exhortation:

"Do not be saddened this day, 
for rejoicing in the LORD must be your strength!"

I will rise now, for third time this morning, now that the medication has gotten into the physical body enough to help manage the pain of being upright and ambulating.  I will do the few steps involved in removing the thawed out water bottles in the ice pump and exchange with frozen water bottles from the freezer.  The reacher-grabber tool helps, as well as the walker which I use to transport items due to the convenient walker tray.  I will rejoice in the Lord, and if feasible, will get the oatmeal bowl soaking, then brush and rinse out the already sudsy-soaking oatmeal saucepan.

I will try walking up and down the stairs one time and do the leg-strengthening exercise using the bottom step of the stairs--the stairs I've named as "the stairway to Heaven."  In all matters--yes--I must turn to the Lord, hush my thoughts and pain with the reminder that today is holy.  And I will not be saddened this day no matter the physical pain; rejoicing in the Lord must be my strength!

Truly, God IS my joy and strength.  I'd written an article that was published in The Liguourian years ago, titled "When Healing Doesn't Come."  I might try to locate it and share it with you readers, for I know the Holy Spirit guided my thoughts and typing fingers when I wrote it, back then.  Even though the increased pain and the bit of increased medication makes me extra fatigued, turning to the Lord always awakens our awareness of His tender, loving care. 

Rejoicing in the Lord--must be our strength!

God bless His Real Presence in us, all ways and always!

Catholic Hermit: This Day

Mercy, Lord.  Last night I did not take the night time additional medication; I decided to "cast the nets" in the deep waters of my severe spinal pain, to see if I've progressed enough to cut back on this one medication that I'd already deleted need of the day dose, about five weeks ago.  Perhaps it is on this day that I would be able to manage the pain without the night time other medication?

A reason for wanting to abdicate the use of the night medication is that particular medication is not at all easy to get in generic form.  The pharmaceutical companies do not send the generic to the stores because if they disallow those orders, the patient is forced to pay $285 instead of $75 for the medication.  The insurance company will not pay for the medication; the patient must pay for either generic or trade name type, out-of-pocket.

Plus, I would love to be able to manage the pain with just the one medication of which I've been able--truly by the grace of God--to reduce to not quite half of what I had to be on in the hospital and following couple of weeks.  While I will never be able to go without the medication, unfortunately, due to the arachnoiditis pain, I still hope in God for the strength and grace to manage this much-higher, post-surgery pain and lower the dose perhaps down to 3/4 of what I had to take at the peak.

I awoke this day with the pain out of control.  I was in atrocious pain to the point that managing the pain included managing my anguished thoughts.  Of course, I took the morning dose of the regular medication (which fortunately one can still get in generic form even though the price has doubled from two or three years ago).  I had to increase the dose from what I'd lowered it, and I had to place myself prostrate in my mind, heart, and soul before the Lord, begging for help while waiting for the medication to take effect.

The process took a good while.  During this time of agony, I prayed, asking the Lord to please somehow help my brain create more endorphins and dopamine.  (These are chemicals that the brain produces to help our bodies to naturally handle pain; over years of intractable pain plus acute pain and increased pain tends to strip the brain's ability to produce as much as needed.)

I began asking help from St. Padre Pio, from my mother and father who are now in fullness of light on other side, and asked of help from my late spiritual director.  Please be with me, please help me control the thoughts and manage this excruciating, pervasive pain enough until the pain medication takes effect.  I thought of those on earth who matter in personal way, most:  three adult children and their spouses, three grandchildren.  Then I thought of some cousins and the one remaining aunt, now 96.  I thought of long time friends, and then of all people who suffer greatly.

Once more I focused on Jesus Christ and His immense and unfathomable sufferings.  For me to suffer is one thing, for I am imperfect.  Yes, I also thought about how and what on earth I have done to merit such pain as this on-going trial of increasing pain with age; I wondered again if this level of pain is to be the new normal, and if so, again returned to begging God to please allow my body to create more endorphins and dopamine enough to adapt to this higher amount of physical pain.)

As to what I have done in my life--the sins and flaws, the errors in whatever choices--came back around in my mind to my being a human being who like all are imperfect and who sin, yet also that I have loved Jesus all my life and have embraced the Holy Trinity since first remembrance as a toddler, having Protestant Christian parents who had me baptized 12 days prior to my first birthday:  In the Name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.  The very name of the church we attended includes "Trinity" in it.

From the reality of my being a sinner in the Body of Christ--a most repentant sinner--I also considered that while it is due to sin that the human race suffers, it is also that God's view and use of suffering is not how we view suffering.  I only have to meditate upon the life and suffering death of Jesus Christ to begin to understand the loving power in suffering that has a holy and useful point to it.  

Suffering has meaning.  Suffering is meritorious.  Suffering is salvific.  Suffering is cleansing and purifying.  Suffering of Christ is what has saved all of humanity's souls now and forever more.  Any who believe in Jesus Christ and follow Him are promised eternal life in the Holy Trinity.  Life in Christ includes life in God the Father and in the Holy Spirit.

As I lay on the icy pad on this bed--my late parents when downsizing gave me the bed frame which was my paternal grandparents wedding bed--I considered the sufferings of my grandparents throughout their lives; I considered the pains of childbirth of my paternal grandmother and of the three babies born on this bed, and one being my dad.

I very much focused, again and more so, my thoughts on the life, persecutions, mission, and sufferings of Christ.  I thought of the specific sufferings of St. Padre Pio.   What had he done in his life to have deserved, brought about, or merited such sufferings?  I was reminded of my Spiritual Da (priest who died after 72 years of holy priesthood) once saying, when wondering why Padre Pio had not already been canonized a saint, that perhaps it was due to Padre Pio being gruff and grumpy with people in the confessional and otherwise.  

To that I had interjected my firm disagreement with the Da. Padre Pio had tremendous pain for 50 years from the five wounds of the visible, bleeding stigmata!  Of course he'd be grumpy; he was given incredible spiritual graces but was also very much a human.  The stigmata were not just "vanity wounds;"  these were never-ceasing excruciatingly painful wounds.  I remember the Spiritual Da considering what I said, and then nodding in agreement.  See how we people do not fathom the reality of spiritual phenomenon as also having physical effect?

At some point in my pondering suffering while begging God to take pity on me and help endure my own over-the-top, morning suffering while pain medication slowly taking effect, I took comfort in the file folder containing my Vow of Consecration of Suffering and also my private Vow of Consecration to the Eremitical Life.  In that comfort, I had the faith-filled reassurance that God has me covered; He has my "back", so to speak.  I will be given all the graces to endure life's sufferings as well as whatever God's uses of the sufferings for His holy will and purposes. 

I then realized, with the pain slowly beginning to be masked by nature-created medication--thanks be to God!--just how profoundly God guides my human and spiritual life through the journey to the other side of pain, to whatever all my God-given mission, in my from-birth mystic life through other phases including parent and for now 20 years of evolving Catholic hermit vocation--consecrated for nearly 19 years in the Consecrated Life of the Church, consecrated to Christ for 68 years and counting.  On into infinity does my consecration in Christ extend.

I glanced over to the right of my head, and there propped against the side pillow along with my Breviary and books on St. Bernard of Clairvaux and the Holy Spirit, is my manilla file folder with the above mentioned vows, plus a couple of hand-written notations, one with a vow and consecration of my life as maidservant to the "Handmaid of the Lord"--the Most Blessed Virgin Mary, Mother of the Church, Mother of Christ, Mother of us all.

The other scrap of paper in the file folder is a quote from St. Padre Pio.  "Sin is a violation, a betrayal of Love."

I feel asleep wondering about sharing my Vow of Consecration of Suffering--the inclusive, specific wording--in a blog post.  I don't know yet.  I awoke around noon, time for next regular pain med dose.  The terrible morning awakening pain now under control; I will pray for wisdom and prudence as to if I should eliminate the added pain medication for a second night.  May God guide me in that decision by nightfall.  He knows the difficulty the world imposes now, with such medications and why, and He alone knows what my body and mind, heart and soul can handle in levels of pain.

For now I have been up twice, changed out the thawed water bottles and placed hard-frozen water bottles in the ice pump.  I walked around the house with necessary duties of minimal self-sufficiency; ate a slice of bread with smashed avocado, finished a banana, drank a mug of coffee with calcium-rich almond drink.  Have been on the icy pad on the bed, writing thoughts based upon "this day."

For I found a selection from The Catechism of the Catholic Church to be worthwhile and significant, given all that "this day" and all days have for you readers as well as for me.

"2836  'This day' is also an expression of trust taught us by the Lord, which we would never have presumed to invent.  Since it refers above all to his Word and to the Body of his Son, this 'today' is not only that of our mortal time, but also the 'today' of God.

       'If you receive the bread each day, each day is today for you.  If Christ is yours today, he
       rises for you every day.  How can this be?  'You are my Son, today I have begotten you.'  
      Therefore, 'today' is when Christ rises.

We also, we lovers and followers of Christ, rise today and each day.  Whether we receive in tangible form or in mystical communion the Bread of Christ, His Real Body and Blood, Christ is ours today; He rises for us every day.  Today is when Christ and you and I in Him, rise.

I am reminded of that sparkling, lyrical, truth written essentially in Deuteronomy 1, in Psalm 95, and in  Hebrews 3, "If today you hear His voice, harden not your hearts...."  This day is today.  The Lord will see us through it by His love and grace.  He leads us on into the tomorrow that will be this day.



[I'd like mention to any of my dear blog readers who have evidently noticed that what I write provides content and ideas for another online blog writer.  This situation is nothing new.  I do not mind at all being the driver of the conversation;  I am humbly honored. I'm thankful if another finds holy interest in my spiritual journey and thoughts on-going as a consecrated Catholic hermit.  I am honored if another finds points of disagreement or even to insinuate with name-calling.  It means what I write is of fascination to this person and a couple others for whatever purposes.  I do not read what this other person writes.  It had become predictable.  For the Lord to progress and to inform my soul,  I am to focus on reading Scripture, factual Church writings, the writings of the saints--hermits and otherwise, the writings of those lived, died, and risen holy ones and their directors.  I'm all in for the Holy Trinity, for the Holy Catholic Church, and for what God lovingly provides in and for my life and soul in spiritual progression.  Pray for me that I continue to live and write genuinely, honestly, with courage and grace despite being an imperfect human being:  a Catholic, a mystic, a hermit consecrated in the life of the Church, a sufferer, parent, grandparent, friend, a relative, a spiritual child of God, and a member of His Body, the Church.  Yes, please just pray for me.  I am most humbly grateful for you readers' anonymous, spiritual friendship and prayers.]

Catholic Hermit: Ongoing Forgiving

The other day when the physical therapist arrived, it was brought up that she'd been to a workshop recently in which it was emphasized that pain can become on-going due to an imprinting on nerve pathways that do not have a physiological source, not a visible cause.  She mentioned some syndromes.  Yes, yes.  Then she asked if I have ever considered going to a pain clinic.

Lord, have mercy.  How long, O Lord?  I explained to her (as I've mentioned to her prior: one positive outcome of this surgeon, a second opinion surgeon, and then my pain doctor seeing it after it was mentioned to him is a diagnosis after all these years) that I do happen to have a visible, physiological source of pain.  The pain I experience all the time and have since car accident and then in debilitating level after 1987 surgery, is a matter of cause and effect.  

I reminded her that it is Arachnoiditis, probably occurring in the second surgery in 1987 as I had coded in recovery.  Surgeon came back in middle of the night and rushed me back in for another several hours of surgery to correct the problem caused in the first surgery.  In so doing, at some point, regardless, a cut was made in the spinal sheathing, causing the spinal fluid leak plus the condition, albeit not common, called Arachnoiditis.

The pain that people experience who do not have something visible, discernible in MRI's or CT scans, is yet pain, also.  I do not judge nor fault anyone with pain that is considered to be stress-induced or immune deficiency or some other more nebulous consideration as to why people have pain.  Even if psychological pain, it is pain.  Consider phantom limb pain, although it can remain for a limited time period, in time go away, and, also, psychotherapy can help eradicate it.  

I am not opposed to pain clinics, either.  But I explained to her that years ago, when it became obvious to the surgeon and second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, and so on opinions by leading neurologists dotted about the country (sent scans and records all over) that I was "going to have to learn a life I never dreamed I'd have to live" (quote from Scripps-LaJolla specialist after he looked at my scans), that I wanted to try a pain clinic.  He squashed that idea.  Said I'd be worse off just being driven there and back each day.  Would defeat the purpose; would cause me more pain for the effort.  

He added, as he'd gotten to know me fairly well in the months after surgery, in all the attempts made to help reduce the constant, intractable pain that caused me permanent disability, that I'd "out think a pain clinic the first day."  I didn't take it as a compliment; he just knew that I study and do research and use intellect as means of trying to learn and figure a way forward.  I also am not shy about speaking up once I have my facts in order.

So, back to the physical therapist here the other day, I said no, I'm not needing to go to a pain clinic after all these years.  Back then, the surgeon set me up with physical therapy close to where I lived at the time, and I already had Dr. H. helping me with a myriad of pain management techniques after we also exhausted an attempt for a second career in clinical psychology, as he felt with the gift of paranormal type gifts (I was not adept then with spiritual vocabulary, and mystic was not in Dr. H's nor my ken then), I'd be very good as a therapist helping people with pain.  I made it through over half a doctorate in clinical psychology coursework, laying on the floor in classrooms, before pain sieges made us realize I'd not be able to be consistent for clients.

I tell you, it just gets so "old" having to deal with the situation of pain and other peoples' good intentions.  I give benefit of the doubt.  It is so frustrating, though, when I've explained already, or when I've mentioned now and even given the physiological aspects and symptoms of Arachnoiditis, even though literature mentions that many clinicians will not have heard of it.  I have mentioned it to those professionals who have been here, though, in my post surgery recovery, and a couple had heard of it.  The others I've explained, as I figure in their careers ahead of them they might encounter someone else with this unfortunate diagnosis.

Lord, I really need far more patience, especially since I tend to wipe out the day after physical therapy session, or like yesterday, taking a shower, or today--had weather shift in the night, so barometric pressure change has the pain high.  It is not that I am any more without pain medication as had been the case for a long time past.  The problem is not that I am not motivated to get up often and walk around the house or outside, or do the few careful exercises.  It is that severe pain is fatiguing; it is absolutely exhausting, physically.  I cannot emphasize that enough.

I realize it is too difficult for people who are on the other side of me, viewing me, in their way wanting to help, to grasp the reality of what I am explaining.  Some have a hard time accepting it; others listen but are not able to absorb.  Some simply do not remember because it is not the usual and no need to research it for themselves as they are living an active and busy life outside their active professions.  And yet others are so set in their "take" or what they themselves "think" is the issue here, that they doubt what I explain and stick with their own conclusions.  I understand, I do.

This physical therapist, I think, gets it even if might not find someone who is so slowed by pain and fatigue off and on, to be a satisfying success story.  Probably my greatest perk for clinicians is that I keep trying, and that I desire to do all I can to improve.  I persevere.  I can usually bring some laughs.  She found it amazing that I find it helpful and encouraging to finally know what has caused such debilitating and life-altering pain after all these years.  Yes, I find it a relief to know.  

Truth is always best and most helpful.  I won't have to go through more hassles from the medical profession; doctors will not say I'm malingering or pain is psychological; other people might limit their insinuations that I don't want to be better; some might stop being biased in the pain meds that help take the edge off--some days better than other days depending on the variables.

After the physical therapist left, I decided to research more, on Arachnoiditis.  I was left tempted to feel discouraged by once more explaining my situation.  I do know the physical therapist was not blaming me and probably not doubting.  I recognize that I'm hardly able to function much, physically; very slow process, and takes energy and grace of God to strive.  The physical therapist did state and remind me, that the healing from the surgery--the acute pain--is still in process and can be for a year or so.

Here's what I found, in addition to what I've read prior, about Arachnoiditis.  It makes me feel very pleased with the Lord getting me through all these years.  I'm proud of my now-adult children who dealt with their single parent, with the ups and downs that pain brings with it, and with the disability of it, to the point that they had to not only fend for themselves much, but they'd care-take me through the pain sieges.  

At some point I want to give them this information and tell them how grateful, proud, and impressed by what they gave under most difficult circumstances, and am thanking God all the more for the divine strength and love bestowed upon them, throughout alld these years.

From the 2016 annual meeting of The American Academy of Pain Management, Dr. Forest Tennant presented findings from his research on the topic.  

"An extremely debilitating chronic pain condition, Arachnoiditis is caused by injury to the arachnoid, one of the membranes that surrounds and protects the nerves of the spinal cord.  It is initially characterized by inflammation, and then by nerve root entrapment, bundling, and adhesion formation, followed by centralization of pain and overstimulation of the sympathetic nervous and hormonal systems.

Dr. Tennant went on to say that Arachnoiditis "is probably the worst pain there is; it's humanity's worst pain."  He added that it is "described as worse than cancer pain or the prolonged or excessive pain associated with complex regional pain syndrome...."

The presentation included many more details, but this gives the gist.  I tell you, dear readers, it helps me with on-going forgiveness I need to enact, to offer, to put into effect.  I must forgive consistently, continuously.  Although I've been through a forgiveness process of persons in the past, especially doctors whose not knowing caused me to suffer more, and what's worse caused my children to suffer more because I was denied medication that would have helped at least some, I will have to keep forgiving in the present moment, when the moments present themselves.

I have to forgive myself, as well.  I have to forgive myself for the limitations I have due to the pain, and for the many times I might have done better, such as this morning.  My voice and attitude were not perky when someone called.  The pain was ruling me, not me ruling the pain.  I allowed the present moment to go to the past and then to the future.  I was tempted to want it all to be easier.

I must forgive myself for not being the soul I wish to be, and wished to be.  Even after 20 years this month, from the first inklings of God's call for me to being preparing to enter the consecrated life of the church via the eremitic life, I still know of myself that if not for this further stripping of my temporal life, I'd be tempted and no doubt weak to the temptations of being drawn out of the devoting my life to the praise of God and the salvation of the world, that is the first point of a body, mind, heart, and soul into the Church's hermit vocation.

Lord, I'll cooperate by the grace of Christ's suffering granted to me in suffering out in my earthly body, a small portion of His agony on the Cross.  Forgive me, for I really have no options other than to cooperate or to not, even though in my agreeing to suffer, to be a Victim Soul of His Sacred Heart, I do not suffer at all heroically.  I can attest to that truth, as can my family and friends if honest.

See what the Lord must do to answer my prayers to fulfill in His will, my mission?  See what added pruning is necessary for a weak and undisciplined someone like me, in order to better the hermit be, as well--the vocational vehicle God has given me to fulfill His will, in the latter portion of what temporal years He's bequeathed?

Yet, a marvelous aspect of Arachnoiditis and being able to read about it--there is much more than the bit I've written--is that the suffering all these years, even if I have not suffered well, has caused me to turn all the more to God.  I realize that is a huge part of his point in gracing me with such suffering.  I won't go into it here, but I was foretold of the 1987 surgery and of living through it by mystical means.  I am not surprised at the transition asked of me, currently, for I so easily get enticed more into other creative aspects of life than what the Lord desires.

He wants me so honed to His will and to the narrow path, that especially now with so much stripped and trimmed away, I see all the more clearly that there is really nothing other in life that matters than for souls to love God above all things and others as ourselves.  I mean this in a very real and deep sense; I mean it in the way that St. Bernard, for example, sought to love God in Himself and others as an outflow of God's perfect and pure love.

That is what I desire.  I must forgive myself, for the reason I have come to desire this level of love of God and coming to union with Him while yet on this earth even if in brief breaths of union, is due to pain.  I understand that it is the pain that the Lord allows, that is His means for me, to keep me from being drawn out and away from the singular point, the recognition of what is the purpose of our lives.  I'm sorry that it has taken great pain in my life to keep me honed to desire union with His own suffering and ultimately his Divine Love.

Forgive me, Most Holy Trinity.  I am sorry I am so weak, so easily drawn off the purpose, Thy will for me.  I'm so thankful for all the times that pain has been the prod, the goad.  I'm thankful for the opportunities given before the more intense sufferings came along--accident, divorce, surgery, constant pain.  I'm thankful I have been able to experience the love of a parent for children and their love in return.

Now to press forward.  On-going forgiveness--I embrace forgiving onward as another crucial facet of loving God and others as myself.  Now to get up off this icy pad on the bed and do some exercises, walk around, and know that the level of the pain today will ease off a bit with another weather shift.  Know that the acute pain of the surgery will ease as it already has decreased some, incrementally, just as my ability to get up and walk and undertake more tasks to fend for oneself are increasing some, incrementally.  

The Lord is making His will known to me His will all the more clear.  More has been trimmed away of external life; more will be given in the interior, of the spiritual life, of the mystical life in His Real Presence, and for the espousal of others.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

[This lengthy post, another cathartic one, helping me endure higher pain today than what I've been better able to manage at other times.  It could be discouraging since it has been 8 weeks since surgery, but given the reality from research, I feel joyous in being given the grace by God even if by my clinging, grasping Jesus on His Cross in order to try to cope.  I tell you, I first read the Psalms upon waking--whatever Psalm in the day's Mass readings, as they come daily to my laptop inbox around 3 a.m.  I beg St. Bernard through whom I'm connected as now reading a volume of his sermons circa 1137, to  help me yearn for God out of  loving desire, not from the pain alone.  That might be a bit arrogant of me to even ask, to yearn for God, to love God in Himself without the pain being the impetus.  For I honestly think if not for the pain, I'd be off and out into the beautiful world, the world of activity and good pleasure, of work, and then even drawn off into the world of a parish.  Rather, the Lord wants me for Himself, within Him increasingly close, drawn to union.  Pain is a loving means for someone like me.  I do not have the purity and discipline of soul such as did St. Bernard of Clairvaux]

Catholic Hermit: Beloved Quote, Flannery O'Connor

Maybe it's been a dozen years, but I went through a Flannery O'Connor phase of great admiration.  I loved reading the volume of her compiled letters, plus then read more of her short stories.  Reading someone's correspondence is such an intimate experience; we gain a deep sense of the person through their every day encounters and personal sharing with one other through letter-writing.  Today it is emails....

I'd written down this quote way back then, on a small stick-em note.  I kept it in my late grandmother's leather wallet that my mom gave me before my mom passed.  I have used that wallet every since.  Only recently has some of it worn out, and with it, the top portion of the quote was worn down, leaving off the first line.

With the convenience of Google, I could easily locate online the quote.  I will write it on a small piece of paper to stick in the wallet.  Somehow I just really resonated with the words Flannery wrote to the novelist John Hawkes.  (She also used the line in one of her short stories; or else had written it in the short story first and then used it in correspondence to John Hawkes.)

I felt and still feel, especially after another day of being down on  the floor other than a couple brief ten-minute stints up, trying to wash out some bathroom shelves and stuff "stuff" out of sight and in organized manner.  Various over-the-counter meds, eye drop meds, prescription meds, wraps for injuries, Band-aids, tooth paste, and all the myriad of items we use not often but yet have on hand for our bodily needs, in various seasons of climate and life.

Trying to manage severe pain when unable to be up and moving about to distract from the pain, is maybe akin to having to work out dramatically what it would be like to live without faith.  This pain is perhaps akin to paying for my faith every step of the way.  Sticking with the pain as it sticks with me relentlessly, and sticking with the Lord and His Cross as my only means to endure.

I have no idea if it is the weather currently that is exacerbating the already precariously high pain, and the pain causing blood pressure to go up to a point of discomfort, or if it is the deteriorating lumbar condition, and the resultant nerve pain, nausea from radiating pain, muscle spasticity in legs, weakness in legs--but still can stand up and walk without falling.  However, pain was high enough today and nausea bad enough, that I continued to be "down for the count."

Surgeon still is hoping I could get at least one bone density treatment in, but I was told today again, to present to ER if things get to a point I cannot manage.  Thankfully, after two meds for nausea along with the usual meds, the gut has simmered down some.  The next big goal is that the pain doctor is very much wanting me to be able to get to that appointment first thing Monday morning.  Only God knows....

So here's the quote of Flannery O'Connor.  I am renewing in mind and heart and spirit, the friendship I'd developed with her from reading her letters and other writings.  She certainly suffered, but she wrote what was published and stimulated people's faith through fiction.  I continue to not write anything of published substance--not published anything for many years.  

I cannot consider this blog or any vlog to be organized in a substantive way, for this is more sharing of the daily life of a consecrated Catholic hermit who is also a mystic and Victim Soul of the Sacred Heart of Jesus.  I keep praying for more discipline and to focus better in some writing effort that the Lord may desire of me, but I continue on more dealing with the effects of how it is to try to endure such pain as what is occurring in my body these days.

Here's Flannery's quote.  I absolutely find her words to make total sense with also the positive of being truth and inspirationally encouraging.

"There are some of us who have to pay for our faith every step of the way and who have to work out dramatically what it would be like without it and if being without it would be ultimately possible or not."  ~ Flannery O'Connor

God bless His Real Presence in us!