I haven't yet removed "Catholic" from my blog, identifying title. I'm praying about if I should give in to a most disappointing person of many I've encountered in my nearly 27 years as a Catholic, having converted from being reared and for 44 years a Protestant Christian. The reality I have sadly faced, is that I have not encountered in the 27 years, many people who are Christian plus who understand and read and live Catholicism.
Those who I have known as Catholics over these 27 years, and of those I met prior to my conversion to Catholicism--most who were kindly and loving people did not particularly know Catholicism beyond the rubrics and rituals, and did not delve into Catholic faith but did the obligations as they are called, such as Sunday Mass obligation and confession obligation once a year minimum, or prayed the rosary having memorized the prayer refrain, or did what are called novena.
Many otherwise were loving people who'd been reared to be good and kindly, loving and moral people. But there was not interest in reading the Scriptures, or if so, there was still the focus on the system, the Catholic system of hierarchy and protocols, of blind following of often lost shepherds, and a keen interest or importance for a system within parishioners who either were active in parish functions and sought positions of importance, mostly with the priest/s, or parishioners who performed their worship obligations and otherwise came and went to do their duty as Catholics and of course, they believed in Jesus, honored Mary as taught, and had an adoration of the Eucharist, some to the point that as long as they got to Mass on time for Communion or were there and received Communion and then would leave, that was what mattered and not much else. Receiving Communion on Sunday or Saturday evening was to them and many the essential reason for attending Mass.
Obeying priests without question, and never saying anything if matters were occurring not right or moral, or suspect--seems an ingrained rule. Most Catholics seem unaware of the details or realities such as hierarchy and canon laws, but they know some of the saints and know they are to admire and love the "pope" or "holy father" and not go against anything of Catholicism for loyalty is key no matter what is reality. There is no "if you see something say something" in most Catholic parishes.
But while they are fiercely loyal and love their Catholic heritage and upbringing and faith, I did not find many who knew or read much or delved beneath the upper surface. They cater to priests and the seminarians, as that is encouraged by the bishop and the "system" for there is a need for more priests, and their lives and vocations are considered to be a massive sacrifice, especially that of giving up marriage, of being "celibate." But those who feel sorry for the men and think what a tremendous sacrifice they are making, themselves often have made great sacrifices and even greater ones, unless having sexual intercourse is placed as the ultimate in life that one could "give up."
And sadly but to their credit and lived wisdom, even older priests realize, depending on their own sexual drive and preferences, that having counseled many married persons and their children, the married vocation in so many ways has far greater sacrifices and hurdles than being a coveted and honored priest who are obeyed and protected by parishioners no matter what they do, including behind the scenes, even if unkind, immoral, slothful, or having a double life and not of prayer....
I've met some marvelous people in my life who are Catholics. A few were or are quite holy, kind, brilliant, and had positions of utilization of their God-given temporal gifts. To them the Mass is more than receiving Communion, and they appreciate the time of worship, arrive before and remain through the hymn-music processional. They fit into and accept the system that has been developed over the centuries and often have a collegial relationship with the priest due to the parishioner status and if male, sometimes have become a deacon, or are head of parish councils or on it.
The ones who love Jesus and love God and are truly aware of the Holy Spirit and have been reared and/or born with loving dispositions and good souls, generally educated and have virtues such as humility and charity to others, and who read Scripture and ponder it on their own, and even if go along with "the system" that has evolved and been developed by humans, often church leaders (bishops, cardinals, popes) over the centuries and wealthy donor members of noble class, often landowners or in government positions--these can be kindly and deeply good people today who are not lovers of God nor Catholic to have any particular status or prestige or clout. Of course, some do have or want that, or attain it.
There are too many aspects that could be listed that represent what people do to go along with the Catholic system, to fulfill the protocols and mores that have developed over the centuries, that bring stature among fellow Catholics, that please priests or build up the parish or make easier the administrative aspects, or promote the Catholic image, such as being open to life and having many children and also the status that comes when parents have sons and/or daughters who become priests or religious brothers and sisters. That's a very big deal, and while it is wonderful when young people or even later on, give up their lives as married or single persons with careers in the world, and do it "for God" and "for Church."
They are taken care of for life financially, with housing and food, vacations, a modest salary but cash gifts from parishioners, and all maintenance is taken care of for them, a car given, as well as end of life care. Plus there is the status and admiration, the utmost respect that comes to those in religious life as Catholics, is exceptional--and that includes respect if not some mystery, by those outside the church who find intriguing those dressed in clerical garb or Medieval religious habits and have taken vows of chastity whether or not in reality they missed sex much or not, or still managed to have love fulfilled. Or some wisely put those desires into some other activity or interest, but sadly sometimes a habit such as food or alcohol, same sex alliances, internet. Or in some, the few who would be classified as "saints"put their bodies, minds, hearts and souls into Christ and Scripture through preaching, writing, serving the poor and sick, and being exceptional leaders, exceptional pray-ers, writers, evangelists and models of virtues.
I'm not sure what has become of my situation at this point. My outer temporal Catholic life was fraught with abuse and ugliness by a priest and religious sister soon after I was confirmed, and some even from the get-go of private instruction with the priest. For me, the temporal Catholic journey has been a lot of upset--deep angst and inner pain, many tears, shock of reality, and also a desire to find like-minded persons interested in Scripture and putting His Word into action, as well as spiritual conversation and holy friendship. I yearned for such relationships as the British Christian writers, some who converted to or were Catholics or close to it, like C.S, Lewis, J.R.R. Tolkien, G.K. Chesterton. I sought the converse and guidance of priests only to find they did not have lived experience of mystics and were administrators and calculated CEO types--even though the first one readily identified myself as a mystic...and also a victim soul of which I knew little but found out.
I sought loving friendships and found some, but my depth of inner life and desire for Christ--and I admit likely my mystic self which I tried to mask seemed to always caused my having to acquiesce and sublimate myself to the more temporal. But there was envy and resentment that came with others, and there was ugliness and evil even in my following through with what the Virgin Mary in a vision told me I was to do, and how to do it: a type of soup kitchen not the usual pattern, with the main focus of going out to love, to give food and love to those in need of touches of love regardless their financial means or ages.
Also, right off I was forewarned of a terrible priest situation, but I did not want to believe it. I could not bear to believe it, but I found out very painfully. There would be more disappointing and shameful having to face realities and see persons, not just priests, as Jesus warned, "sheep in wolves clothing." Somehow, that first one was the worst, heart-wrenching and horrible--and to think I'd been shown and warned even before I committed myself to the temporal Catholic Church's way of worship and life.
(And obviously, so much of even the temporal Catholic Church's way of worship and life is beautiful, with traditions rich in meaning and metaphor, writers and mystics and holy persons of great inspiration and insight, selfless followers of Christ throughout the centuries, lovers of His Real Presence and believers and baptized. The Mass, of which I'll mention later on, is supreme and is a solid link to Christ's Living Word, a foretaste and portal of and to the mystical eternity that may be ours, and can be a type of the stairway to heaven.
But as to the woman who for now over 16 years has been a public, detracting thorn, I've had some very upsetting women situations, even from the get-go. Some were women who resented my zeal and love of God, or the ideas the Holy Spirit inspired in me to help build up the parishes. Some with emotional and/or psychological problems who wanted my help and friendship, but would not take advice when they asked but more used me as a therapist unpaid who I had trouble saying, "No more," for I care about people but cannot encourage unhealthy dependency and for no holy purpose.
Or there was the soup kitchen that Mary showed me to do, wanting me to "get out there and love!" Especially in that, the devil got into kitchen workers for the Catholic grade school who would not share the kitchen well, and took their hatred and ugliness and meanness out on me since I was their target--despite we used the kitchen by approval of priest, for one evening and part of a day on weekends when school not in session. The priest would do nothing to resolve the problem--pans and our donated food locked up, padlocks on cabinets and refrigerators. I had sabotage from the first priest, and weakness from the next--as he knew he could do whatever he wanted including his long-standing homosexual affair with another priest and also to sexually harass my son. For he knew he could turn people against me by doing nothing to stop the evil and psychologically unhealthy parishioners' or ignorant ones' shunning or gossip or whatever they chose.
It was all so far from Christianity unless we consider the demonic aspect of the spiritual life. If not for a doctor volunteer and his wife (also a volunteer, life-long Catholic in that parish, and had known me since we were childhood neighbors), I'd have been run out even before the priest preached his weekend sermons against me--lies which the main volunteers knew were horrific, lies of which even the doctor's wife's elderly dad (who also knew me from childhood) said he'd never seen the likes in a Mass in his 84 years in that parish. But no one stood up against the priest; no one stopped the outrage and sacrilege at the altar or the attack on me personally, as well as what it did to my then teen son, or the effect on all my Protestant friends who knew what was being said by Catholics about town--lies, and hateful, all of it.
Then onto another parish in a city, and worse there, but I was on assignment for God and knew it shortly after I got settled in. Yes, I knew I'd been called to suffer at the first parish, and the second parish was horrific, but the third--plus a convent--finding out a religious sister had been grooming me to be in their group and a national group of hatred toward priests and men in general--not for me. At my suggestion we parted ways, other than I said we remain praying for one another. I'm not gay nor lesbian, not a hater of men or women either one, but a lover of Christ and brought up by parents and ancestral heritage to face and uphold truth, beauty, goodnesses --which is no small task, I've found out.
Not possible nor helpful to me at this point to go over the unhealthy or cowardly or even naive puppets of a system for most part created and sustained by humankind over centuries. I must emphasize also my love for a beautiful faith in the early centuries and great people onward, great writers, great theologians and spiritual teachers as well as also writers. Great music, architecture and art, even if enforced/commissioned by wealthy bishops, cardinals, and popes. Great hermits--the desert fathers and mothers, great priests. And I was brought into the Catholic Church by God himself guiding, leading, through dreams, visions, locutions and miraculous meetings and situations. And, in the Catholic Church I found out about these persons called "mystics"--perhaps one of the greatest blessings unexpected that God gifted me upon becoming Catholic. I was not alone anymore or wondering what it was that caused me to have supernatural experiences with God and others who had passed on, along with the gifts that come with inner sight.
But I have not met anyone as persistently evil. hateful, and miscreant as this one who by trickery got me to email her over 16 years ago, and who since has been a nasty, derisive, and detracting, public voice ever since. We have so much not in common, sadly, but that could shift if not for the devils' influence, and a sickness of pride, presumption, and envy that has known no ceasing for over 16 years. No amount of prayers or various techniques offered to psychologically or spiritually get an alliance with her, for there is evil and hate in that person, a particular animus against me that has settled in the person. Her main beef seems my writing as a Catholic hermit, of which I am, of course. But she has a need to be superior, seems to resent competition of another Catholic hermit writing, or so say others who have observed this unChristian situation over the years.
But as had been my lived experience, Catholics tend not to stand up against such type of evil as they fear the devil to turn on them as well. Even her Vicar General who her Bishop's office (said they had never heard of her as a canonical hermit in their diocese!) did not want to intervene, not even find out who she is and guide her to not dox nor harass me using internet, given they are penal codes in her state. They suggested I take civil legal action against her.... So much for diocese hermits being directed and supervised by their bishops (or as she has added, by a "designee" and not needing to be a priest....
If not for the Catholic and hermit reality, I still think this person who represents so many Catholics, especially women, would continue the ugliness regardless, as long as I keep writing, for she uses what I write as her foil often enough, as her fodder to come up with a platform to "preach" and try to be "someone with status," thus her inventing precedents and giving herself impetus and note to what ought to be a hidden life of a hermit. So she puts me down publicly in order to try to build up what seems a spiritual emptiness, or a lack of inner security or healthy love of how God created her, or whatever issues going on--perhaps envy that I am heterosexual and have had a family, that I am educated with higher degrees, or that I'm a persecuted, suffering mystic and victim soul.
And the irony in these aspects, if she'd understand His Real His Presence, she'd know that degrees and our temporal life experiences and callings per se do not matter to the Trinity; in fact, a parent's joy and love and duties are to prepare the children to be responsible, God-loving adults and in some to be parents themselves. God has been reminding me that my role and task has been finished for some time, and they are living their lives, and I'm to now be fulfilling the spiritual mission per His will. For with the Trinity, what matters are our hearts, minds, and especially our souls. Are we loving and kind? Are we humble and charitable? Do we focus on what is God's will for us and live our lives in His Real Presence, or are we consumed with human-created canon laws and human precepts that are taught instead as doctrines? Do we demean another's online blog for over sixteen years out of psychological dis-ease and inner insecurity and hate, an insecurity that craves for sole status and importance as a somebody-hermit, wanting to be elevated as a dogmatic theologian? Or by making up precedents for temporal hermits of canon law choice, by placing initials behind her name and wearing a medieval-looking habit, wanting to be a priest and writing and aspiring to preach sermons in communion services, when that is not a protocol for women and other non-priests in the Catholic Church--that somehow this will give some fame or stature that His Real Presence will not give? Is being a bishop-approved hermit by a canon law as more valid than being a hermit approved and consecrated by God, a bishop saying live that life to which you've been called. Is that more valid than trying to remain anonymous and simply share one's spiritual life and progression, step by step, no matter where it leads or what transpires? This includes my not finding many, among Catholics in my 27 years, very many healthy, well-adjusted, accepting, Christian-types who can share discussion of His Living Word and the trials of applying His Teachings in our every day lives, or who can simply accept and not be put off or persecutorial of someone who suffers physically and who some find different in perhaps somewhat of mystical way.
I had hoped or assumed I'd be, as the first priest said, welcome in the church and among many mystics. He said I'd be so welcome, as the Church was filled with mystics--that I'd feel at home. [Hmm, an abusive foster home? Obviously, as we learn as we progress in His Real Presence, our home is when we pass into His Mystical Church, Holy Mother Church, and from this life of suffering and trials.] Then another priest told me when I asked where are these mystics--he said as far as he knew, they are dead.
So I try to know them through their biographies and writings and by inviting them to be my friend across the centuries and through the thin veil of this temporal world and heaven. But the books I have, I find out from a highly regarded scholar who wrote a dissertation, included in review of the research, other scholars and himself who reveal that much of what the "saints" and "mystics" wrote had been edited and altered in their time periods, either by others after they died or by their spiritual directors and even themselves in life, so that their words and lived experiences of spiritual understanding and being taught by God, were altered or edited to fit the narrative desired by church leaders in their times. Thus I must rely on the mystics themselves, on the other side who are in the fullness of Light of His Real Presence, to be my friends and to share their lessons and realities of God with me from heaven.
I ought write, also, in more thoughtfulness rather than brief mention, of the Catholics who have been amazing Christians, so thoughtful, loving, following Christ, striving to live His Word, kind, and helpful especially to me when the first priest was cruel and a collapse ensued, and some brought food and visited, and prayed, and implored another priest who then had a religious sister whose job it was, to bring communion. There is the woman who has stuck with me for years now, except for two years during the aftermath of the soup kitchen and my demise, but I'm not sure she understands yet knows I've suffered for she knew of much of the persecution and the stripping I'm going through from temporal attachments.
There was the couple on the island who in the last partial year, brought communion and after five months realized I truly needed some physical help, so now and then would help with lifting, and one time took me to get wood splinter out of my eye, who helped put in some pole barn windows, and who helped wash windows to sell the house and packed up a Uhaul truck and my pickup when I moved. God bless them! They were not into discussing other than family and prayer but were uncomfortable with anything I would have shared of numinous. Yet I had plenty of suffering which is relatable and real, and have learned to converse upon whatever topic others bring up and desire.
Only with the late Fr. F. could I discuss the truths of experiences temporal and the supernatural. Even if he'd say I was unlike anyone he'd ever met, but added that it is wonderful--actually that I was. Too kind! My mother, also, seemed to accept my inner life and how I am, but was adamantly opposed to temporal Catholicism. Dr. H. is adept in unusual and spiritual but is not versed in the mystical life, nor is he impressed nor approving of temporal Catholic Church of which he was reared as a child.
At this point, it seems my purpose in the Catholic Church is for my sufferings (of which are many, including the reality of heaven and mystical vs temporal, and whose life is formed and guided by His Real Presence and His Living Word, and not by that of humankind even if a system that has developed and perdured over the centuries). Suffering is what I am called to do, and to appreciate that my sufferings and the sufferings of Holy Mother Church are made one--and why.
And I recognize that Holy Mother Church is not limited to Latin rite of what is called the Catholic Church, nor to the Methodist Church which has recently split, but of course the Roman Catholic Church even in this country (USA) is divided by politicized differences and scriptural and religious differences in essence, that of conservative and progressive or liberal differences in view of what Jesus taught and lived relative to what is in our society and culture and politics today.
But more so, it has become also a division of differences in spiritual life of those who are intent on the rubrics and traditions and human precepts and mindset of those who are Catholic progressives as opposed to those who are intent on Christ and desiring union with Christ, and want spiritual progression and following Christ more than following what humans have created and altered of His Church over the centuries. So I guess those who are seeking His Mystical and Eternal Church of which Christ Is Head and no other and we lovers and followers of Christ are His Body--even in our imperfections but desires to be in union through, with, and in His Real Presence.
Also at this point in my suffering, perhaps God is not wanting me to find Christians who seek truth, beauty, goodness--but who are not new age or disrespectful of Christ and His Church--but who are realistic and see that there is this temporal church and there is His Mystical Church, Christ's Ideal and His Church that could have been and can be within us now and will be when we pass from life, to be in His Church for eternity with Christ our Beloved Head and Son of the Father, with the Holy Spirit--our source of all beingness and energy.
I have begun noticing in writing of early church authors and even those "canonized"--set apart as being extra ordinary in their desire and love of God and given spiritual gifts including the major virtues of love and humility--that there are those who saw even in second century and onward, the dichotomy developing, and who chose to speak and write truth that in some cases has not been altered. Perhaps some of these are obscure enough that it is not felt they are a threat to the focus of today's temporal church, system, and protocols of administration and membership.
I know if Fr. Fahey were alive, he'd tell me yes, but that I am an idealist. He'd tell me how sorry he is, again, that he did not stand up for me against some horrible persecutions and wrongs by Catholics, especially clergy including bishops; but in life when he was at retirement age, he kept distance from bishops and the like. Nothing there that was going to help his own spiritual progression, and he knew that when alive so remained hidden for most part, praying and reading His Living Word, and trying his best to provide sacrament for the handful of sisters not man-haters at the convent in which he was chaplain.
I admit that the hate and ugliness I've experienced in so many, the blind following after lost shepherds who whether they. want to or not, feel and are bound as administrators of a system of humankind's creation, for the bulk and main and and not free as are we seek union with Christ and desire being as Christ to others. We ought not be into shunning nor prisoners to the law and precepts of humankind, nor of those who would or did centuries ago and now simply would put down, the writings or ways of mystics and lovers of Christ, good and kind and loving people--by altering and editing out their writings. When I read that only one part of John of the Cross' great work was not altered, I had a major "Yikes!" moment that has become another reality I must face and accept, and move on, swim on out into the deep as God directed me. He is taking care of those remaining entangled in the nets, just beneath the surface of doldrum waters.
I admit I could have saved myself a lot of grief had I had the courage, myself, to do exactly as He said to do, and to trust His question which was itself an obvious "YES!", when he showed me the temporal trappings of the temporal church, and asked me why would I want that when I could have HIM directly now? But I was unwilling to stop trying to fit into a temporal world of a temporal church that I'd been brought through, and except for my purpose of suffering with and for Her, my sufferings made one with the sufferings of Holy Mother Church. And these sufferings are by no means over but are going to progress in severity of pain. Yet I still had the directive from God to go on out into the deep of His Real Presence and to begin the Stairway to Heaven climb, and experienced the mystical ecstasies during Mass.
The ecstasies taught me what remains of Christ's Ideal in the Masses that are beautifully and holily offered to and in His Real Presence, of which human souls have the opportunity to recognize and be subsumed into Him if the Mass is holy and celebrated as He desires, and the apostles on down to our time in holy reality and truth, celebrating in love of God and holiness of mind, heart, and soul. The Mass is our spiritual portal, depending on our soul disposition as well as the celebrant's and if the Living Word is preached and appreciated, and His Sacrifice appreciated and adored. Holy, Holy, Holy: Do this in remembrance of me, and for those of us who have faith to know and live our days and nights given us in His Real Presence, we never forget Him.
But my, oh my, dear God in Heaven! What sufferings and injuries and two painful surgeries which I had to pay out of pocket with my parent's hard-earned money, as well as a severe neck injury which plagues me and if I don't die first, will require a serious and extensive surgery. And this it seems due to the clergy's taking the old line of directing I was to say nothing and answer no questions, and the lead priest of where I was a member at the time, was so bothered by his OCD, that he could not tolerate that I was not standing at the Gospel as is protocol in the temporal Catholic Mass, and that despite obese people also in the handicapped pew not able to stand for the Gospel or receiving Communion, somehow my seeming to be asleep bothered him no end to the point, along with people injuring me because nothing was to be said--and he wanted me to not return. He was the first of other priests who had at least more courage to outright say it: Do not come to Mass here! Or who would tell an employee to say it, or who would tell his parishioners to "Run her out! Shun her so she leaves and does not come back to Mass!"
Other priests did it by putting me off in a room by myself or staring at me, not wanting to speak to me or even shake hand in the visiting area, or who would not return a call as I was going to request Communion. Eventually after a year or more, the priest in that situation did mention to the couple, that there was someone to whom maybe they'd consider taking communion. Whatever else he said, I know not, other than for a good six months they were awkwardly stiff, but we then became on friendly terms after they evidently figured I was not as whatever he or someone other in the parish had said. Finally more surgery and a year recovery, and the pain of sitting, and Covid, and I realized the profundity of His Real Presence feeding me as He is in me and I am in Him. And this is truth for all believers and lovers of His Real Presence who trust in His Word.
Well, I'm so very, very tired, Lord. I brought upon myself more pain and weariness and upset and hurt by not trusting in His Real Presence and visions and messages to me, directives from the Most High God, but I lacked the courage to let go of the human desire to be accepted into what--a temporal church, when the reality of His Mystical Church, Christ's Ideal of His Church is just a matter of saying "yes" to leaving those in the entangling nets, not worrying about them for God will take care of them. I am to swim on out into the deep, in great faith given me, and to also being to climb the Stairway to Heaven to which I was led just a couple or three months after the nasty woman began her public written harassments and attacks, along with a couple of, especially one of them, spewing hate and derision to my Catholic hermit vocation.
I must keep in mind that a vocation is a minor slot and way of life in the temporal world; it is but a means of such as myself, to be secured away in quiet and solitude, in humble anonymity, to enjoy loving and nurturing any and all I encounter in the small duties of temporal daily life. Now also it is to tend and appreciate and love the little pups, God's creatures which He allowed me as gifts to help me keep going, to get up, to learn from their simple delight in nature and in the small details of life itself and of love and happiness to be alive. That is all. Such simple yet profound creatures and teachers of humility, joy, and unconditional love are animals.
Of course God led me into the Catholic Church--and for this purpose and mission to suffer, so that my sufferings and the sufferings of Holy Mother Church shall be one. This is my path and true mission for the temporal Catholic Church's ills, as shown me by God, and for the good of His Mystical Church, Christ's Ideal and Intended Church, and that which was called specifically "Holy Mother Church." I find it wondrous that the angel who declared this suffering mission to me did not say "Catholic Church" or any other name. No, God's Church is Holy and Mother, Mother of All, so not one rite or denomination. But the temporal church of all kinds have become very temporal, and have been adulterated by humankind over the centuries and even the past years of those churches created or started by humankind.
I suppose then I could say I am a Holy Mother Church Hermit? What I have referred to as His Mystical Church, His Mystical Eternal Church, is in fact, told me by the angel to be "Holy Mother Church." Yes, perhaps that is what is my "hermit" affiliation indeed, in truth, by the power of that locution 27 years ago this month, just prior to my confirmation as a Catholic, of the Roman, Latin rite, on August 22, 1995. And the connection with suffering is the irony of that date chosen by the first priest, for it was 21 years following, to the day, of my crucifixion at age 33, in the car accident that injured my spine for life and caused my earthly spouse a reason to leave after a marriage of infidelities, the extent of which were unknown to me but the increasing cruelty and control was a suffering I endured for our children's sake and family unit. 'Twas not to be, a family unit other than God was my Spouse and the children's true Father all those years.
Maybe I don't need some healthy and spiritual friends and correspondents in this life who are Catholic but have grasped the temporal is and has been passing away, also, and they recognize Christ's Ideal of His Church--yes, Holy Mother Church, His Mystical Church for all eternity that is pure and of which Christ Is Head. But I'll see what transpires. I still have books to read, which even as a Protestant and then as temporal Catholic, had become my source of solid and healthy spiritual friendships. I must rely on the mystics and holy ones on the other side, on my guardian angel, and most of all converse with my Spouse, Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit, and God my Heavenly Father.
But now I realize that am not technically in the way of the mystical of God, a "Catholic hermit", but in actuality by the beholding of an Archangel of God, I am Holy Mother Church's hermit, for I was consecrated in this vocation by His Real Presence, not a temporal, human person nor by a recent human-made law, but by the Divine Will. I just don't think this person, filled with anger and envy, rage and resentment, is able to accept this reality no matter my prayers, but my prayers are still my offering as incense offered to my Spouse on her behalf.
I'd still like to have the situation with the woman to stop. Perhaps my actuality as a Holy Mother Church's Hermit is God's way of providing a means for her to cease and desist, to move herself on to more worthy writing topics, and for her and her minions to stop reading mine if it causes her such consternation, with ugliness gurgling forth to demean and detract someone who belongs to His Real Presence, who suffers greatly, and does not want her unkind attention. Playing nice and not obsessing over my Catholic hermit vocation and what I write might help change others' perception of temporal Catholic Church and Catholics not being Christian.
Yes, I'm having extreme physical pain from the spine, much nerve pain, and for the sufferings of Holy Mother Church. Never is easy, and the pups Love and Mercy are napping and going without walks again, but I get up to take them out for bathroom breaks. They sense my pain; God blesses the innocent, sweet creatures so close to Him and friends to us humans, if we love and learn from them. I've written on and on, but I'm practicing to do as I've been advised by a good friend of many years, a doctor of wisdom and understanding, like an ancient tortoise is fabled to be. He said that when I write, write from my inner truth and my lived experience. When I finish, no matter if others will find it to their understanding or if they make judgments, I am to rejoice and say "Alleluia! Alleluia! I have written my truth and experience!"
[As to the woman hermit who writes a non-anonymous blog and who cannot seem to let go of being bothered by me as a writer and as a hermit, Catholic, consecrated by God, of the traditional historic hermit type of the ages, and now more accurately Holy Mother Church Hermit--I have nothing against you other than the obsession and ugliness that tends to come forth regarding my Catholic hermit vocation and whatever else. At one time you went into a verbal rampage, even cursing and demeaning my expressing the suffering that I endure and happened to be writing about--a therapeutic catharsis, it is, to write out the pain. I just pray and hope you can give it up, your animosity or whatever it is. I'm your bugaboo, which is so silly as well as not Christlike for you to develop such an obsessive animus over anyone. Not to upset you, but perhaps you have a touch of OCPD and counseling might help, and not by the designee woman who helps you with spiritual life. Use your insurance from the parish position and if need be from monies given for spiritual direction you've mentioned you do on the side, and pay for an excellent clinical psychologist who is adept in such matters. Just my suggestion, if it might be helpful to consider. I get counseling to help with pain management from time to time and to accept my parenting role coming to an end, considering they are all adults now and with successful lives of their own! I was very attached given that I literally lived for them, was sent back when I died July 28 in recovery, 1987, and God sent me back to rear my children and then to fulfill my mission. They have been reared for some time, but I am very attached with love for them, and also likely some neediness to be included and accepted despite the pain and limitations. But God is stripping me, for I must focus on fulfilling my mission for Him, and be grateful and praise God that the adult children and their children are all doing so well in their lives! Praise His Real Presence! I just hope the same for you, that you can let go of this attachment to being bugged to bits and angry and erudite and public in your detraction of me as a fraud hermit and whatever else. It's not true, for one thing, but it's also very nasty and only pulls you down in your own life and soul.]
To all who may read my blog and all in my mind and heart: God bless His Real Presence in us! Love in His Love!
Saint John of the Cross (1542-1591)
Carmelite, Doctor of the Church