Christian Catholic Mystic Hermit: Suffering and Spiritual Progression

Finally drove not far to the nearest ER where two years ago I needed to also go.  That time it was a DO who instead of a zpack that I expained for years of my annual sinus infection is what works to rid out the illness, had prescribed Augmentin despite my explaining that drug specifically has never worked for me.

Similar situation with the young GP (general practitioner) who prescribed one dose pack of Azithromycin, which did help some and kept the crud going into my throat and lungs as it had two years ago with the DO's poor decision to ignore my sincere, honest input.  So I was at the ER then for help, as I was this afternoon, for help.

The ER doctor had no qualms of a person needing a second go around with an antibiotic if the person was still quite ill and needed more to knock it out.  I've been ill for four weeks now, and I'm still for most part bedridden other than to take the pup (over 5 1/2 months old now) outside for her elimination needs.  When I stand up and walk, I can "feel the earth moving under my feet."  The sinuses are impacted yet, but there has been progress.  Just stuck, though, with this level of too much sickness to be able to function much.

I gave that doctor a most sincere "GOD BLESS YOU!" as he was finishing up, and he appreciatively thanked me for my gratitude.  He also put through to that particular hospital system's case manager to find a new GP for me plus an ENT (Ear, Nose, Throat specialist) as I'm not opposed to going to one, but a good GP can handle easily one sinus infection a year, and grasp that it might take two z-packs to clear the sinuses of infection.  The young doctors tend not to be able to handle sinus infections, at least not in my lived experience

So I made progress today with the ER doctor, and I'm praying along with the azithromycin that God will use His healing love and power to help me improve, make progress in feeling well enough to be up and about without dizziness and feeling so sick.  The pup has had enough of no walks, no errands where she can go inside and be adored by other customers.... She loves her fans.

And I figure I've made progress in suffering as well as in spiritual understanding in a most positive regard.  I understand more the positive passageway of the temporal Church and the positive passageway of the stairway to heaven.  The former seems to me to be necessary, for there is so much to learn and ways in which to grow in the temporal Catholic Church! I cannot imagine what my life would have been without these years of spiritual growth and learning more than I can begin to describe.  And the temporal Protestant churches as passagways to God prior to my conversion to Catholicism also provided much especially in His Living Word and conversational prayer, plus acts of love and kindness, helping others, and loving one another.  But Catholicism is massive learning in comparison, and rich and deep--and the Mass is incomparable to anything in other churches.

I was fully expecting to remain stagnant, safe and secure in the temporal Catholic Church, go to Mass which I love, once or twice a day for the rest of my life.  I had come to accept I'd not be actively involved in parish outreach programs, but I did not know but was not surprised when God showed me His will in the hermit vocation.  That was already forewarned by a vision 13 years prior when my grandmother appeared and told me that I would need to learn to hibernate like a bear for protection from the world.

But God does not expect nor want us to remain stagnant in our spiritual lives any more than we remain stagnant in our physical, temporal lives. So I found myself wondering, having a hard time believing and trusting that God was progressing me not just spiritually, but that spiritual progress includes ourselves--ou bodies, minds, hearts, and souls.  I did not let go, did not detach, nor die to my thinking that nothing would change regarding my being in a parish and in daily Mass, in tangibly receiving Communion nor in tangibly going to confession with the priest as a stand-in, or intermediary, of Christ--in alter Christi.

I finally understood and grasped this with a peace and positive fullness not long ago.  This after many attempts to ignore what His Real Presence had offered me, was asking of me, was telling me His will.  I marveled at my guardian angel leading me to the stairway to heaven; I rejoiced when Christ explained the consummation would not be after our most glorious post-wedding banquet, and that I was to pay no attention to parishioners and priests henceforth, but to remain strong, to wait, and emphasized yet again to "REMAIN STRONG."  He had to attend to other souls but would return for me.  Just wait and be strong.

The spiritual life does not necessarily and I suppose rarely, occur in one fell swoop of insight and growth.  The spiritual life is a gradual progression over the course of a Christian's lifetime.  It then continues on into eternity.  We graduate from one level into the next, over and over and over in metapmorphoses which occur in nature with such as the butterfly.  Thus, while I delayed this next phase by my not trusting, not having the faith necessary for I simply had a hard time understanding why God would not have me remain in the temporal Catholic aspects, and instead have me pass through that long corridor, seemingly going on infinitely of a vision the night prior to my Catholic conformation.

In earth years, it was nearly to the day and might have been exactly 13 years after that vision came the vision and locution of my guardian angel taking me by my right forearm and telling me I was being led to the Stairway to Heaven.  Indeed, that occurred, and the last I knew of that matter, I was standing at the base of a stairway glorious, that seemed to go onward, upward, infinitely. 

Then when priests and parishioners did not want me in their parishes due to my having mystical ecstasies during Mass which priests were bothered by and also rumors that I could see into people, priests in particular, and parishioners thought I was being rude or faking a spiritual phenomenon, that was when the banquet occurred four years after the ecstasies began.  The mystical wedding had occurred several years prior to even the stairway to heaven vision; and the espousal of my soul occurred in June of 1987 when I was a Protestant!

So we can know that spiritual progression often is spread out over decades. It just depends on God's will and way and His timing which might not be years to God but is to humankind.

Now that I'm grasping that the temporal Catholic Church at some point gives way to His Mystical Church, I return within to the Stairway to Heaven and what it is that I am to learn and how to progress on the stairway, having now accepted that I have progressed through the passageway the in my spiritual life has led to the stairway to heaven.  What next?

I suppose to continue to take note of that which makes the temporal Church temporal, and seek what is in the temporal Church shared with His Mystical Church, and to ask His Real Presence to help me adapt to His Mystical Church.  I doubt that will take much in human years once one in faith accepts the passageways as means of our spiritual progression, and not to cling to one nor the other but remain fluid in His Real Presence, to be done with and shown whatever He wills, and whenever and however He wills.

All I can do is share my own experiences and progression, and the passageways as they are shown me and what they represent. So I'm now facing the Stairway to Heaven and have passed through the temporal Church and understand now that I am in His Mystical Church.  I must remain open and with faith, trust, hope--and continue to strive in my own likely awkward ways to practice living as God loves.  While I ask Him to teach me how to love as He loves, there is that part of me that is eager and will try, also in what I think it is to love as God loves.  He understands, and hopefully laughs a bit at my strivings!

It has always seemed with me, regarding His Real Presence which is God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit (the Holy Trinity), to put one foot forward knowing that His Real Presence will soon enough correct me or also take me along by the hand or have me follow along in His Footsteps.  Now I must image that stairway I was shown, wide at the base and narrowing as it ascends, and going on upward beyond what even my spiritual, inner eyes could see.  Image the stairway and contemplate the aspects of His Mystical Church, and more so participate in His Mystical Church which is eternal yet accessible while yet in our bodily forms.

That is all I am going to share or explain for now.  I have been in the past few posts trying to explain the temporal and the mystical Church, and I might not have done a good job of explaining, nor that His Mystical Church is not an utter rejection or renunciation of the temporal Church.  The temporal Church as I mentioned toward the beginning of this post, seems requisite to me, to progress through as it is also a passageway that links on to the Stairway to Heaven, and where we will be in His Mystical Church at some point in our spiritual progression.  

All according to God's will and our cooperation, in His time and way and will be when we let go more of the temporal aspects of the temporal Church that are not His per se, and seek His ways and seek Him all the more, and being willing to begin the climb, one by one, a lonely-seeming ascending, but in mystical reality not alone at all. But temporally, bodily, no: we climb the Stairway to Heaven of His Mystical Church, some in this temporal life while we yet are in temporal bodies, but our bodies are not what makes the assent. Others will climb the Stairway to Heaven in this temporal life.  

I know not why not, other than perhaps God has those remain in the long passageway of stone floors and walls and rooms off to the side, with much instruction, books, learning to be done according to the ability to progress in faith, hope, and love, as well as to die to and relinquish attachment to temporal, including temporal Church.  Some he may have in the temporal Church to help others to grow and learn and if priests, to hopefully learn the reality of the Mystical Church and show the way to their flock, giving glimpses at the altar, from the temporal into the Mystical Church.  

Or, for priests themselves to pass through the temporal-spiritual passageway themselves and experience the Stairway to Heaven, His Mystical Church--although this latter would require much courage for a priest, and to keep much hidden for there would be many who would not understand--parishioners and those above him in the temporal hierarchy such as bishops and cardinals and even a pope.  For, some while on earth will be interested in temporal progression, not so much in ascending the stairway to heaven and experiencing His Mystical Church.

Perhaps this year's sinus infection, the suffering going on now into the fifth week, has been beneficial in my asking His Real Presence to help me understand what is going on in my spiritual progression.  And thus, the visions and the Scriptures--His Living Word--have been falling into place beautifully with connections and seeing both passageways.  Also, I have been shown, through His Living Word and what is in temporal actuality or not, what is the temporal Church of today and what is not the temporal, thus what is His Mystical Church of which I do believe I have but marginal balance on the first step.

I don't expect anyone reading this to grasp or understand the reality of the passageways and progressions from temporal Church and our temporal belief to His Mystical Church and our spiritual progression.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Love in His Love!

Christian Catholic Mystic Hermit: Progression of Mind, Heart, and Soul in His Mystical Church

So many concerns for the people of Ukraine, including the brave soldiers and civilians fighting for the freedom of their country.  I pray also for the Russian soldiers who are forced by brainwashed upbringing, as well as those conscripted, into fighting to kill others in another country, mercilessly.  I ask His Real Presence to please stop Vladimir Putin and those around him, for their horrific behaviors and decisions of invading another country.

It's Lent, and my body now also has besides the sinus infection that continues at end of fourth week, with sawdust having scratched my left eye.  I need prayers to cope with the pain of what the ophthalmologist says are scratches and a contusion.  I realize that His Real Presence allows my injured eye to be a reminder that I am to be seeing all, at least for now, with inner eye. 

While I'm unable to get a second zpack to finish pushing out the sinus infection, I found when I went to pharmacy to get the ointment and antibiotic drops for the eye, that the young GP had at least sent a prescription for some nasal spray.  I have two OTC sprays I've been using, but I'll give this hopefully stronger type a try. I've called the ophthalmologist office to find out what they recommend for the pain of left eye.  When there, the doctor had put numbing drops in the eye, but that wore off after a couple hours.  Boo hoo hoo.  Actually, praise God as have more to offer as pain prayer for many intentions, particularly the raging war going on in Ukraine.  God please convert Putin's soul, and other souls, as well.

I've written to Fr. V. asking what he thinks of my thoughts on the church as passageway, the temporal on to the stairway to heaven, on to heaven eternally.  It does seem that my temporal body is not needed by God to be in the temporal Church, and at this phase of spiritual progression, my mind, heart, and soul are fed by His Real Presence, my sins forgiven by His Real Presence, my all and everything led and directed and guided along is of His Real Presence in His Mystical Church.

This means nothing against the temporal Church other than the temporal is always passing away--our bodies and structures, and temporal aspects of our growth and learning as we are progressed along the passageways, the paths, and through this life and the temporal Church of this life.  There is nothing negative about it from my view and understanding, also which has progressed, but rather a simple transition of passing through one portal and onto another passageway shown me to be the stairway to heaven.

It is so clear to me, so vivid, so natural, so obvious, so real and so His Real Presence, this progression.  He knew I had no bodily purpose or otherwise in the temporal Church; He fulfills all that my soul, mind, heart, and body need in His Mystical Church, directly, mystically.  I had learned and given all that God needed of me in passageway of the temporal Church.  I am not perfected by any means; but the progression is now on the stairway to heaven--which means it is not heaven, but from what I was shown, a stairway that extends as if eternally, forever.  

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Love in His Love!

 

Christian Catholic Mystic Hermit: God's Leading, Progression in His Church (Some Thoughts)

 

Been more ill today with sinus infection worsening from having been after zpack over two weeks ago, slightly better. I remembered and verified in some research again, that sinusitis (which are sinus infections but I thought sinusitis just drainage, but not) is something that can occur with those having Arachnoiditis--thankfully, rare affliction.  Never ends until death and gets worse over time while alive.  

Yet it is a beautiful cross, Arachnoiditist, a gift of God and part of what He's used to form me and progress me onward and upward into eventual fullness of Light: the Most Holy Trinity.

Arachnoiditis can be cause of recurring sinusitis, that hang on like this current, sinus affliction.  Am weak, dizzy and imbalanced, head pain, face and eye pain; is draining some but just not over it.  Clammy then sweaty then chills and totally fatigued.  Was a rough day being so sick again.  T (hired man for heavier tasks) coming tomorrow and wish I felt better to assist more.  Costs are adding up, of course.

Regardless, I am so appreciative that the Gospel includes Jesus speaking of forgiving others and asking God's forgiveness, and our then being forgiven by God.  Please forgive me for the upsets I've written concerning experiences and situations in Catholic Church-- the temporal Church, not His Mystical Church. I have had much good with Church now that I grasp that the Mystical is His church for eternity and can be now, also, once one recognizes and grasps His Mystical is for now, just as His Real Presence is in us now, and we are in Him, now; and we can be forgiven by God in and through spiritual confession--a mystical event also is communion, within, of His Real Presence, His Body and Blood and more so, all of Him!  Spiritual and Mystical we may become, in some aspects our bodies, but very much so our minds, hearts, and souls in His Real Presence: the /Trinity.

Forgive me that I remained affixed too long to the temporal of parishes and dioceses, but I have benefitted greatly from and through temporal aspects of churches from childhood on, for as long as I can recall.  All aspects and experiences, growth, learning, the temporal Church was a progression, each church a passageway opening to the next, culminating for me, in the temporal Catholic church. I have passed through all the good of temporal Church and learning of His Real Presence in the Consecrate, mystically His Body and Blood in tangible form, to His Mystical Catholic church, now somewhere, likely first step or two of the stairway to heaven.

I have asked God to forgive me for clinging to temporal of Church when there is so much we can progress into that of His Mystical church from within to without.  Could be now more of His Mystical Church, if would have overcome much of what as been added and altered by humankind over the centuries.  However, His Real Presence has been for quite awhile, leading me through (or on out of)  the passageway of temporal Church to that which is no longer temporal Church passageway but a stairway Mystical passageway, yet while in whatever passageway God wills. 

Yet, I feel of myself that I have slipped, stumbled, resisted, and in these and more, sinned.  Do you think this is due to my not cooperating with God, not grasping what He was showing me, telling me, and leading me onward for past 12-16 years in particular?  Lump on my grousing--wanting and trying to hang on to the temporal Church when His Real Presence wanted me to pass through after learning and growing much in that needful and progressing phase of temporal Church passageway?  

I beg forgiveness of God for my having stubbornly resisted passing through, and also for my being so complaining--of which I'd not had I let go of that which He had in HIs plan and will for me, progressed me through!  If I'd have had the faith and courage when in some parishes and dioceses past, not trying so hard to cling to the temporal Church when God had progressed me through, brought me to the base of stairway to heaven, even asked me Himself why would I want that (temporal Church) when I could have Him more directly now?

So I've been offensive to you of what I am seeing more clearly.  I myself needed to see my own aspects that hinder me in His progressing me, and to learn in reality the humankind alterations or temporal emphases made increasingly over the centuries, and not always as Jesus taught or ordained in His Church.  Also, what t have I done to spread the Good News? Too busy being upset and disillusioned with  myself and those aspects of the temporal which, of course, is passing away.  Or our experiences in the temporal Church and world is passing away [a good] if we progress in God's leading us to the Mystical which is eternal--but also now.  

However, my own situation is made difficult due to unable to sit without intractable pain. The mystical ecstasies that began in late Augutst 2008 progressed in themselves from weak to deep.  That too was/is an example of how our spiritual lives--our minds, hearts, and souls--are to progress, led by His Real Presence.  By not letting go of the temporal of anything, including the increased temporalizationg of His Church by us humans--we will find out one way or another the fullness in Jesus teaching the temporal is passing away.  His Real Presence is progressing us toward reality of His Real Presence and His Mystical Church--of which He is the Head with none other.  Directly and fully, in reality, the Trinity was and is and is to come; we who believe and love and follow and do HIs will are His Body. This is His Church, eternally His Mystical Church!

I am thrilled with grasping and accepting what has been shown over some years within the temporal Church.  I have been eager to help, learn, read, participate, tried to help others, and learning to love His Living Word, forgive, ask and be forgiven. Furthermore, it seems the holy ones we read about or who have left their lived lives and writings grasped this and progressed from the temporal to the Mystical Church; they wrote about His Real Presence, His Living Word, and life in following Christ's teachings.  

Those who wrote about the humankind aspects of temporal Church, were not those who grasped the process nor had as intense need God, and that God has need for us to be in progression.  Constant progression in His Real Presence, coming aware of the stairway to heaven which is beyond the passageway of all the good to great of temporal church, in which we are progressed along and at some point through and led to the stairway to heaven. When that created by humankind is sifted out.  What remains is the love and charitable good works, the faith and hope, the communal communicating and sharing with one another and the world, His Good News.  His Real Presence and His Living Word, His forgiveness and other aspects of what Jesus instituted such as baptism, marriage, anointing of sick, etc-- each of us and together yearn to be in His Living Word, living in it day and night, striving in progression through passageways.

Today in His Living Word Jesus also speaks of how to pray, to use few words; He gives to us all the Lord's Prayer as example of the prayer that we can always pray and of Christ, all that is pleasing to God in the prayer.  (I wonder if I will ever share in my writings without so many words?)

God Bless His Real Presence and Love as God Loves! 

[Will be continued in next day or so--providing God wills and body is made able, for we never know the day nor the hour!]

Christian Catholic Mystic Hermit: St. Anthony the Hermit-then-Abbot, and God

 ***

God Is Love.  God is not a system nor structure, not a set of rules, rituals, canon laws, human-created traditions or constructs, not that which is not.

What is Christ's Church?  Christ as Head and His followers the Body--this is Christ's Church.  He gave us His Life and salvation, His example and teachings, He chose out of many followers, disciples, 12 apostles with one as leader, to demonstrate the following of Christ after He ascended, the going out into all the world to spread the Good news and to live and love as Christ taught and lived and loved.  At the Last Supper He spoke of many things and gave us a means of remembering Him--by breaking bread and partaking it as His Body and drinking of the cup of wine as His Blood.  He sent the Holy Spirit to be with as teacher and guide, as Paraclete. 

My waking thoughts, not necessary to do as much as to be.  I remember God as He is in me and with me always, and I am in Him always.  I consider what such persons as Paul and Anthony thought about and lived out in their lengthy lives.  What would they write?  They lived in God and pondered Him, loved God, loved His Living Word, loved others, loved Christ's Head and His Body, loved life that God gave them.  All very simple even if challenging as life and love and the great desire for God can be.

I'd not have come to this had it not been for the Catholic Church passageway and all the great souls and their lives lived that I've met in their writings and biographies.  I'd not have found others like me, the mystics, who help me understand the sense of not fitting in, but that it's all right because we fit in with God, are His, and we do not belong to the world.  

That is why we are misunderstood and mistreated at times, particularly by those who are defined by system and structure, rules and canon laws, human-created traditions and constructs--and that might work for them.  I would not know.  My place is more with the likes of Paul and Anthony, of Mary of Egypt and Mary of Bethany as they were known to others, but God knew them as of God, of Him, of His Real Presence in their unceasing communion.

I'm ever grateful for the passageways in life which provide the learning and experiences to grow and to discover what and who we are and to whom we belong and where: what is not and more so what is.  What is love and what is His Church and Who Is God.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Christian Catholic Mystic Hermit: Temporal Church as Passageway

 I've had many thoughts and understandings of the Temporal Church as Passageway, and how to pass through, considering it as passageway, gaining all that is beneficial to learn as well as the aspects not what is of Christ in what He taught and instituted simply.  

The passageway in which we are brought and come to the Stairway to Heaven, passing through what is not and coming to what is, and living the Law of Love while yet being in His Real Presence, living and loving in His Living Word, leaving the pitfalls of humankind, the human-created aspects that tempt to position, prestige, power, possession.  The temporal church is a passageway; we can be brought to and begin climbing the Stairway to Heaven while on earth.  

I have not understood this for now 15 years. It is time, it has been time, and now to enter in, upon, the great simplicity of the Stairway to Heaven as I've been on the bottom step all these years, fearful, confused about the role and human taint of condition, of being shoved on out, of the temporal church.  

God's will is being done; I'm the one clinging to the newel post and now letting go, starting to climb, unknowing but through the passageway, accepting and trusting in His Real Presence.  Accepting my accepting, in faith; this is as Jesus has wanted, as God has provided, passing through the temporal Church and into that which is of the beloved mystics, the great lovers of God. love of others, love of His Law of Love.

Symeon the New Theologian (c.949-1022)

Greek monk, saint of the Orthodox churches

Hymn 42, SC 196 (Hymns Bk. III)

Now, our salvation is nothing other than this: - not that we should speak from ourselves but it is the mouth of God that has made known the great light of the world to come – the Kingdom of heaven has come down on earth, or rather the sovereign King of beings on high and beings below has come, he wanted to become like us so that we might enter into a share of Kingdom of heaven, that at the same time we might have a share in his glory and be heirs of the eternal blessings that no one has ever seen.

These blessings are none other – and this is my conviction, this is my firm faith – than the Father, Son and Holy Spirit: here is the source of blessings, the life of all that exists, here is inexpressible joy and the salvation of all those who receive something of his ineffable illumination and are aware of being in communion with him.

Listen: the reason he is called Savior is because for all those to whom he is united he gains salvation. Now salvation means to be delivered from all ills and, at the same time, to find all blessings forever: life instead of death, light in place of darkness and, instead of the slavery of the passions and unworthy deeds, the complete freedom granted to all those who are united to Christ, Savior of all beings. Thus they will possess, without being able to lose it, all joy, all happiness, all blessedness (…) that that none can ever know or conceive or see if not sincerely and ardently attached to Christ.

Catholic Christian Mystic Hermit: Partial Correspondence to Professor Friend

(Part of correspondence to a dear friend, a professor I had in a course on John of the Cross in Catholic University of Avlia, Spain.  She has lost her husband in this past year plus has some type of malady which has limited her.  God bless her beautiful and loving soul!)

I notice the ones I greatly admire--mostly of the distant past--who were mistreated but moved on through the human-made elements and laws of the temporal church, even such as John of the Cross who was "in" a religious order but not really "with" it in his mind, heart, and soul but rather was IN HIS REAL PRESENCE all the time, elevated and had "passed through" the temporal church like the passageway it is--a passageway in which to learn and read and experience and grasp the differences between the temporal church with it's contrivances and personalities, those who are into organization and prestige, power, position and possession of many temporal aspects--and that of the Church that Christ instituted and invisioned, that He taught of what is best and right because he spoke against so many aspects of the Jewish "church" of His life on earth, the hypocrisies and twisted traditions, the extremism of human-created and altered laws, of the ills of the high priests and scribes, the Pharisees and Sadducees, and of the who-who types of people attending, and then of the blind sheep without a Shepherd, as it were.

People such as John of the Cross, Bruno the Carthusian, the desert fathers and mothers of early first centuries, Bernard of Clairvaux--these are some of the Christians who seemed to grasp the temporal Church as a passageway rather than a be-all and end-all but a means of developing and learning to discern what is of the Trinity and the useful aspects and knowledge learned, the theology, the Living word especially, the Law of God (Law of Love), the actual and very real presence of the Three Persons of the Trinity indwelling in us and us in His Real Presence.  They came to grasp and live and strive IN the Trinity, and their writings demonstrate they had passed through the temporal Church even if such as Bernard existed as spiritual leader in a group of men desiring God also, as did Bruno, even though /bruno did not at all want a religious order of his way of having passed through; after his /death Guigo 1 did that.  Same with Francis--had passed through the temporal church and wanted nothing to do with a religious order or list of goals despite giving in at the end of his short life, and wrote a few "rules" which were against his will, and for his plight, the Lord gave him the stigmata due to Francis desiring union IN His REal Presence and not a temporal organization of his way of coming to God, to the spiritual and mystical realities, to Love of God.

So these people like the early desert fathers and mothers and some others who have written of their passages and transitions through the temporal Church as passageway and of coming to the /stairway to Heaven while on earth, and living beyond the temporal, having passed through that and of not succumbing to the temporal church tainted with humankind's touch and twisting of what Christ taught and God desires.  His law is simple yet profound and most difficult:  the Law of Love of God and of others as God Loves.

So I am trying to accept that I passed through part-way through 2008, and prior to that was tempted and fell to being tempted to be drawn off in the twistings in and of the temporal church, of all that humankind had devised and created and developed and organized way beyond and full of distractions, and the pitfalls of power, prestige, position, possessions of church religious as well as parishioners: snares of the shallow end rather than going on out, passing through, into the depths of God, Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit--the Trinity, His Real Presence.  And of residing there, through, with, and IN HIM.  Of learning to love, of loving to learn to love, and of living God's Law of Love.

So I'm trying to accept the years I hung on to what is not, and instead am trying to seek nakedly and in simplicity of trust, hope, love--what IS.

To ask God's forgiveness for having tarried in what is not, and to also forgive myself for having done so, to have clung to what is not despite so many messages, dreams, visions, locutions of moving on through, of being shown it as passageway filled with what is very good and helpful to learn, and to then pass on to the base of the stairway to heaven and begin ascending.  Yet I have dog-paddled at the base of the Stairway, keeping me feet on the bottom step and grasping the newel post, unsure and doubting perhaps, or fearful mostly that what God was telling me and showing me somehow was incorrect and tempted to still think of the temporal church with all its humankind-created this and that to be not a passageway and that I had passed through long since, even at times pushed on and out literally!

Somehow I felt a great need of a puppy that will grow into a small dog, as a living thing that will be happy to see me each morning and will not criticize but rather will have much acceptance of me who is different and with pain lives a solitary life.  The first month was difficult, as the pup named Mercy is a daily life changer; I have had to die more to myself in ways I thought perhaps I had but had not.  I must let go of my wanting to stay in bed as much and get up to let the pup out, to feed and train, to take her for a walk, to learn to play with her a bit, to also learn to love this little creature and practice virtues such as patience and temperance, self-control and fidelity to a dependent and rather helpless but quite happy and devoted dog.

I thought I was digressing spiritually, but I am finding out that I still had much to learn in these various ways, including discipline to keep going, to simply keep going, and that I am acceptable at least to the dog, even if I fall short.  I suppose the dog is a gift from God of sorts, to remind me of how God is loving, accepting of me, faithful, and wants me to keep going, to get up, to play a bit, to take a walk, to notice how Mercy the pup likes to sit out on the grass and just watch the scenery, the geese when they fly, the grass, the common area pond of the subdivision, and how she delights in people especially, when we go on an errand or walk, and how she also loves other dogs when we encounter them--but some of the dogs growl or are not interested in her.  

It is good for me to see how Mercy (the pup, now three months old) moves on after some initial wishing and wondering--a second or two--and then is happily walking or finding something else of interest and delight.  That is how to treat those in situations or encounters who do not like or want contact with us; there is always something greater that stirs us onward and forward:  His Real Presence as the All in our lives and the lives of all creatures and creation.

It seems pathetic that I'd need a dog to help remind me and to make me get up in the morning.  Plus, the pain is up as a result of walking (impact of concrete but good exercise and to get out), to be out of bed, and the humility of needing more pain medication in order to manage my emotions and temper, my impatience, my remembrance to praise God always and be joyful as He is Joy and Light.

I know Michael is doing great, and we are the ones struggling and remain in this temporal life which itself is a passageway.  I know Alexandra is being guided and assisted by His Real Presence and her angel in her care of Larry and all aspects of household and the temporal responsibilities we have in this world, of our domiciles and citizenry, of the temporal costs and laws and taxes.  Larry is suffering so, and I continue to pray for him, also, and Judy Wood whose cancer is evidently no longer in remission.  I pray for you, and I hope that Juliana is there with you or you are able to visit and stay with Juliana for a while if you wish and it is helpful.  Of course, going to Avila is a long trip.

A long time acquaintance and clinical psychologist suggested to me that regarding my adult children and grandchildren that I be receptive rather than reach in, for when I'd reach in and not have responses, it was rejection repeatedly.  It is not easy as we want to reach in even to let others kjnow we are thinking of them, love them, hoping they are doing all right, encouraging and supporting them.  But I am accepting that my children have their own busy lives, and that their remembrance of childhood and teen years and following with a mother erratic with pain, are not pleasant memories now that they have their own lives unencumbered by the heaviness of the pain they lived with day in and out which at the time cast a depressive pall and then when I'd be not as pained, a kind of manic upswing of hopefulness and joy as the pain sieges would ease off, but then come again.  

My life has been so abnormal, and even to see me not so accepted by priests and parishioners, and not understand church as passageway--that also then points to me as failed, I suppose, in their view of matters.  And I had felt that, also; but now I am contemplating simply accepting that I tarried too long in the passageway and too caught up in the temporal church rather than in noticing how the ones I so admire even in their writings and lives biographied--passed through despite still being "a Catholic."  That label was nothing overt in their lives; they had arrived at the base of the stairway to heaven while on earth, and while on earth they began climbing step by step as they had passed through the temporal church, learning what was needed, and taking with them the crux of the learning as they started to ascend the stairs, climb the holy mountain, IN HIS REAL PRESENCE and on earth, yes, but not focused on the temporal of the Church, a passageway, passed through.

Bruno more outwardly had "had it" in Cologne with an envious bishop causing his life stress and hindering him.  /when the time was ripe, he left for the farthest reaches of the Alps, passing through a Benedictine monastery en route and wintering over, but realizing that, too, was too weighted by temporal and was that which to pass through, as well, on his quest for His Real Presence in an environment unencumbered by what is not Christ's instituting nor plan for His Body, not ultimately, but merely was, is, a passageway.