Catholic Hermit: St. Gertrude's Good Points

Merciful Lord!  Sleep deprivation plus pain built within, without my realizing just how severely!  The Lord rescued me from my bodily self.  Last night, after the man whom the Lord sent to get needed provisions (plus a couple items not crucial but sweet) had left Solus Deus Hermitage, the pain and exhaustion reached a peak. 

All day I'd been battling terrible nausea with the pain.  I'd had to take the anti-nausea medication which is also sedative, and remain in bed on the icy pad other than when the man arrived to unload and converse some while doing so.  As soon as his corporal work of mercy was completed, I returned to bed, and the one symptom of arachnoiditis that usually does not get to me much, was getting to me.

It was as if bugs were crawling all over my back which is typical, but in addition, the inside of my torso and insides of my legs were as if bugs crawling within.  I so wanted to be able to get in some other position than on the back, with pillows under the knees.  Too risky to be on my side yet, with pillows propped between legs.  Plus, the pain was quite severe in the lumbar and my head had been battling since morning the threat of a full-blown spinal headache.

I took more pain med, plus another anti-nausea med, plus a muscle relaxant, plus an herbal sleep remedy.  My little "window to the world" (laptop) live streamed some mentally effortless series of times past, a seeming wasteful and unholy distraction for a Catholic hermit, consecrated in the life of the Church.

And this weighed on my mind, as well:  the kindly man whom God sent as an angel of corporal works of mercy, I sensed was rather disappointed in or having a hard time not judging me as a hermit.  I will write these thoughts in a separate post, but some of the comments and observations while he was unloading the food supplies he'd procured stuck with me.  In many ways, his life might seem more austere and purposeful in externals, than mine.  He's not met a consecrated Catholic hermit before; the consecrated aspect might not even be a factor in his mindset as to what would comprise a Catholic hermit.  

The personalized external images in their minds are what tends to form people's notions of what a hermit is; it has to do with how the hermit looks, sounds, and lives in what is seen.  What a hermit ought be within does not seem to be considered.  I admit that over the two decades of living this life, with nearly 19 of those lived in consecrated state since my profession and avowal, my own image and thoughts of the externals have changed.  My evolved formation has moved from my own experimenting with the externals to the internal aspects in kind with how my spiritual life has moved to the interior increasingly.

These were my last, conscious thoughts as the variety of medications brought much-needed sleep.  I had no idea how sleep-deprived and off the spiritual-religious mark my mind, heart, and soul had drifted during this post-operative ordeal.  This morning I awoke having had over 7 hours of sleep!  I was jubilant in my praise of God!  Yet I still did not realize just how fatigued until three hours had passed since getting the cup of coffee and a blueberry muffin (one of the sweet treat splurges I'd had on my shopping list that stood out as not austere or sacrificial, nor particularly healthy).

A knock at the door surprised me as I was responding to someone's email--and was going on and on in my writing for I did not realize how still crazy in pain and sleep deprived.  (I knew enough to close off the email reminding the person that the rambling is pain; that person has known me for 15 years of it. )  The visitors came in bringing the medication refill; I wanted to pay for another amount owed from a previous errand.  The person prefers to be paid through a tech-app called Venmo.  

I'd tried to download that on the phone, but pain and exhaustion and unfamiliarity with apps had stopped my efforts. I'd actually asked the Lord to somehow have the person download it for me.  Amazingly the person offered and did so, just like that!   They stayed a bit--not long--but not at all rushed this time, and the young person brought in some items from the patio.  There was brief conversation but with looking at one another and my listening to aspects of their lives of which is what I'm to be in hospitality to whomever the Lord brings.

Then back to bed, and medication time, and more sleep, and yet more sleep until late afternoon!  No scriptural reading that I can recall, for I tried but kept dozing off.  In fact, the sleep was at a point of hallucinating off and on; I cannot recall what were the hallucinations, but part of it was thinking I ought be awake and doing spiritual reading and praying.

What a different person I feel, after being able to sleep.  I think in part I was irresponsible in trying to cut back on the medication more so than what the body needs.  So what if my pain post-surgery is double what it was prior.  Certainly the Lord has provided, thankfully so, and it is my own thinking I can, and wanting to, manage the pain with less medication and be able to pray and read and write (succinctly and something of holy worth!).

Instead, I am sharing with you these good points St. Gertrude makes.  I'm taking them to heart, and I will lay off my guilt and disappointment of my not being able to do other than love God, wait on His strength and whatever all He desires to allow me to be as His mystic hermit and beloved. I am not what others might envision or even need me to be; but I am God's, all His, for better or worse, in sickness or health, never to be parted in death or eternity.

St. Gertrude of Helfta, 13th c. Benedictine nun, from The Herald of Divine Love, Book III, SC 143:

"On a certain occasion, while she was interiorly worrying that she was unable to feel as much desire as was fitting to the glory of God, Gertrude received this divine explanation:  that God is fully satisfied when a person, without being able to do more, is in a state of wanting, if possible, to have great desires.  Just as great as they would like to have, so they are before God.  In a heart filled with the desire of wanting to desire God finds greater delights to dwell than we do in the flowering of early spring.

"On another occasion, due to illness, she had been less attentive to God for several days when, regaining consciousness of this fault, she started to confess this negligence to the Lord with a pious humility.  And as she was fearing she would have to bear a long delay before recovering the former sweetness of the divine presence, all at once, in a flash, she was aware that God was bending towards her with a truly loving embrace with these words:  'Daughter, you are always with me and all this is mine, is yours' (cf Luke 15:31).  She understood by this reply that, even thought through the weakness of nature, a person might sometimes omit to direct their attention to God, nevertheless, in his merciful kindness, he himself does not neglect to hold all our works as worthy of an eternal reward provided only that we do not deliberately turn away from him and that we always repent of everything for which our consciences reproach us."

I admit that I think at times I have purposely turned away from God!  I dare say, I think I have done this when at times I have sorrowed for having turned away in what I thought was my weakness and wrong in distracting myself with less than what could be considered or viewed by self and others as holy and befitting a hermit, consecrated in the life of the Catholic Church.  The responsibility I feel by the very fact of my consecrated vocation, is probably the reason why I keep striving so, and asking God's forgiveness for the times I feel so inept and unworthy--for even being a disappointment to those who look to the externals of my evolving eremitic life.

There was a time in which I was quite austere--and I stood out as that, and people judged that, as well, as being strange and garnering attention.  It did not inspire people; rather it made them feel less adequate and as if they were not doing enough themselves in their spiritual lives.  Just how I looked and my external sacrifices which can be quite easy, actually, to do rather than the interior aspects of mind, heart, and soul that are in us for eternity--more masked how I was inadequate myself, in what a hermit is to be, not appear to be.

Well, St. Gertrude has given good points to ponder and trust.  God is kind and merciful, and He is not rushing us nor expecting the impossible for us in our given situations and trials.  Through Him alone, are all things made possible, and in His providence and way.  I'm still exhausted and the pain too much.  I must do what is necessary and by what God has provided for me to help me sleep and manage the pain responsibly.  Then I will better pray and make a far more suitable offering of self to Him and others.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  And know well and remember always just how very much Jesus loves us with tender understanding and acceptance.

Catholic Hermit: This Day

Mercy, Lord.  Last night I did not take the night time additional medication; I decided to "cast the nets" in the deep waters of my severe spinal pain, to see if I've progressed enough to cut back on this one medication that I'd already deleted need of the day dose, about five weeks ago.  Perhaps it is on this day that I would be able to manage the pain without the night time other medication?

A reason for wanting to abdicate the use of the night medication is that particular medication is not at all easy to get in generic form.  The pharmaceutical companies do not send the generic to the stores because if they disallow those orders, the patient is forced to pay $285 instead of $75 for the medication.  The insurance company will not pay for the medication; the patient must pay for either generic or trade name type, out-of-pocket.

Plus, I would love to be able to manage the pain with just the one medication of which I've been able--truly by the grace of God--to reduce to not quite half of what I had to be on in the hospital and following couple of weeks.  While I will never be able to go without the medication, unfortunately, due to the arachnoiditis pain, I still hope in God for the strength and grace to manage this much-higher, post-surgery pain and lower the dose perhaps down to 3/4 of what I had to take at the peak.

I awoke this day with the pain out of control.  I was in atrocious pain to the point that managing the pain included managing my anguished thoughts.  Of course, I took the morning dose of the regular medication (which fortunately one can still get in generic form even though the price has doubled from two or three years ago).  I had to increase the dose from what I'd lowered it, and I had to place myself prostrate in my mind, heart, and soul before the Lord, begging for help while waiting for the medication to take effect.

The process took a good while.  During this time of agony, I prayed, asking the Lord to please somehow help my brain create more endorphins and dopamine.  (These are chemicals that the brain produces to help our bodies to naturally handle pain; over years of intractable pain plus acute pain and increased pain tends to strip the brain's ability to produce as much as needed.)

I began asking help from St. Padre Pio, from my mother and father who are now in fullness of light on other side, and asked of help from my late spiritual director.  Please be with me, please help me control the thoughts and manage this excruciating, pervasive pain enough until the pain medication takes effect.  I thought of those on earth who matter in personal way, most:  three adult children and their spouses, three grandchildren.  Then I thought of some cousins and the one remaining aunt, now 96.  I thought of long time friends, and then of all people who suffer greatly.

Once more I focused on Jesus Christ and His immense and unfathomable sufferings.  For me to suffer is one thing, for I am imperfect.  Yes, I also thought about how and what on earth I have done to merit such pain as this on-going trial of increasing pain with age; I wondered again if this level of pain is to be the new normal, and if so, again returned to begging God to please allow my body to create more endorphins and dopamine enough to adapt to this higher amount of physical pain.)

As to what I have done in my life--the sins and flaws, the errors in whatever choices--came back around in my mind to my being a human being who like all are imperfect and who sin, yet also that I have loved Jesus all my life and have embraced the Holy Trinity since first remembrance as a toddler, having Protestant Christian parents who had me baptized 12 days prior to my first birthday:  In the Name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.  The very name of the church we attended includes "Trinity" in it.

From the reality of my being a sinner in the Body of Christ--a most repentant sinner--I also considered that while it is due to sin that the human race suffers, it is also that God's view and use of suffering is not how we view suffering.  I only have to meditate upon the life and suffering death of Jesus Christ to begin to understand the loving power in suffering that has a holy and useful point to it.  

Suffering has meaning.  Suffering is meritorious.  Suffering is salvific.  Suffering is cleansing and purifying.  Suffering of Christ is what has saved all of humanity's souls now and forever more.  Any who believe in Jesus Christ and follow Him are promised eternal life in the Holy Trinity.  Life in Christ includes life in God the Father and in the Holy Spirit.

As I lay on the icy pad on this bed--my late parents when downsizing gave me the bed frame which was my paternal grandparents wedding bed--I considered the sufferings of my grandparents throughout their lives; I considered the pains of childbirth of my paternal grandmother and of the three babies born on this bed, and one being my dad.

I very much focused, again and more so, my thoughts on the life, persecutions, mission, and sufferings of Christ.  I thought of the specific sufferings of St. Padre Pio.   What had he done in his life to have deserved, brought about, or merited such sufferings?  I was reminded of my Spiritual Da (priest who died after 72 years of holy priesthood) once saying, when wondering why Padre Pio had not already been canonized a saint, that perhaps it was due to Padre Pio being gruff and grumpy with people in the confessional and otherwise.  

To that I had interjected my firm disagreement with the Da. Padre Pio had tremendous pain for 50 years from the five wounds of the visible, bleeding stigmata!  Of course he'd be grumpy; he was given incredible spiritual graces but was also very much a human.  The stigmata were not just "vanity wounds;"  these were never-ceasing excruciatingly painful wounds.  I remember the Spiritual Da considering what I said, and then nodding in agreement.  See how we people do not fathom the reality of spiritual phenomenon as also having physical effect?

At some point in my pondering suffering while begging God to take pity on me and help endure my own over-the-top, morning suffering while pain medication slowly taking effect, I took comfort in the file folder containing my Vow of Consecration of Suffering and also my private Vow of Consecration to the Eremitical Life.  In that comfort, I had the faith-filled reassurance that God has me covered; He has my "back", so to speak.  I will be given all the graces to endure life's sufferings as well as whatever God's uses of the sufferings for His holy will and purposes. 

I then realized, with the pain slowly beginning to be masked by nature-created medication--thanks be to God!--just how profoundly God guides my human and spiritual life through the journey to the other side of pain, to whatever all my God-given mission, in my from-birth mystic life through other phases including parent and for now 20 years of evolving Catholic hermit vocation--consecrated for nearly 19 years in the Consecrated Life of the Church, consecrated to Christ for 68 years and counting.  On into infinity does my consecration in Christ extend.

I glanced over to the right of my head, and there propped against the side pillow along with my Breviary and books on St. Bernard of Clairvaux and the Holy Spirit, is my manilla file folder with the above mentioned vows, plus a couple of hand-written notations, one with a vow and consecration of my life as maidservant to the "Handmaid of the Lord"--the Most Blessed Virgin Mary, Mother of the Church, Mother of Christ, Mother of us all.

The other scrap of paper in the file folder is a quote from St. Padre Pio.  "Sin is a violation, a betrayal of Love."

I feel asleep wondering about sharing my Vow of Consecration of Suffering--the inclusive, specific wording--in a blog post.  I don't know yet.  I awoke around noon, time for next regular pain med dose.  The terrible morning awakening pain now under control; I will pray for wisdom and prudence as to if I should eliminate the added pain medication for a second night.  May God guide me in that decision by nightfall.  He knows the difficulty the world imposes now, with such medications and why, and He alone knows what my body and mind, heart and soul can handle in levels of pain.

For now I have been up twice, changed out the thawed water bottles and placed hard-frozen water bottles in the ice pump.  I walked around the house with necessary duties of minimal self-sufficiency; ate a slice of bread with smashed avocado, finished a banana, drank a mug of coffee with calcium-rich almond drink.  Have been on the icy pad on the bed, writing thoughts based upon "this day."

For I found a selection from The Catechism of the Catholic Church to be worthwhile and significant, given all that "this day" and all days have for you readers as well as for me.

"2836  'This day' is also an expression of trust taught us by the Lord, which we would never have presumed to invent.  Since it refers above all to his Word and to the Body of his Son, this 'today' is not only that of our mortal time, but also the 'today' of God.

       'If you receive the bread each day, each day is today for you.  If Christ is yours today, he
       rises for you every day.  How can this be?  'You are my Son, today I have begotten you.'  
      Therefore, 'today' is when Christ rises.

We also, we lovers and followers of Christ, rise today and each day.  Whether we receive in tangible form or in mystical communion the Bread of Christ, His Real Body and Blood, Christ is ours today; He rises for us every day.  Today is when Christ and you and I in Him, rise.

I am reminded of that sparkling, lyrical, truth written essentially in Deuteronomy 1, in Psalm 95, and in  Hebrews 3, "If today you hear His voice, harden not your hearts...."  This day is today.  The Lord will see us through it by His love and grace.  He leads us on into the tomorrow that will be this day.



[I'd like mention to any of my dear blog readers who have evidently noticed that what I write provides content and ideas for another online blog writer.  This situation is nothing new.  I do not mind at all being the driver of the conversation;  I am humbly honored. I'm thankful if another finds holy interest in my spiritual journey and thoughts on-going as a consecrated Catholic hermit.  I am honored if another finds points of disagreement or even to insinuate with name-calling.  It means what I write is of fascination to this person and a couple others for whatever purposes.  I do not read what this other person writes.  It had become predictable.  For the Lord to progress and to inform my soul,  I am to focus on reading Scripture, factual Church writings, the writings of the saints--hermits and otherwise, the writings of those lived, died, and risen holy ones and their directors.  I'm all in for the Holy Trinity, for the Holy Catholic Church, and for what God lovingly provides in and for my life and soul in spiritual progression.  Pray for me that I continue to live and write genuinely, honestly, with courage and grace despite being an imperfect human being:  a Catholic, a mystic, a hermit consecrated in the life of the Church, a sufferer, parent, grandparent, friend, a relative, a spiritual child of God, and a member of His Body, the Church.  Yes, please just pray for me.  I am most humbly grateful for you readers' anonymous, spiritual friendship and prayers.]