Catholic Hermit: Rough Week

As this is of my journey--my spiritual journey as a consecrated Catholic hermit--the truth includes the difficulties, such as this week has for the most part been quite challenging against discouragement that has settled in.  I think it has to do with the level of pain that is unrelenting--more than ever I've had to endure on a steady basis.

(Of course, I exclude the acute pain post-surgery, the pain of the lengthy incision and the extreme pain in any movement at all.  But I was on plenty of medication then, and the anesthetic took awhile to leave the system.  So this pain is not the same type, but it is still far more than the pain I had prior to surgery in the general sense of spinal pain that I bore, which did not include the stenosis issues or disintegrated vertebra.)

This pain now is such that I am worn out.  I find it more comfortable to remain in bed on the icy pad than to try to go for a walk.  I attempted another trial run to the grocery, 1.5 miles away.  That resulted in extreme pain but made it back to the hermitage safely despite my headlights not working properly.  Burned out?  That would be appropriate to my temporal condition, as well!  This time a customer plus checker noted my white face, evidently; the customer started bagging the groceries while the checker called for help to get cart and myself to my truck and groceries and me into the truck.  Yes, I want to say I did a tad better this time than nearly three weeks ago when I tried the errand.

Tomorrow will be four months since the surgery.  I do not sit at the table nor attempt the sofa or lounge chair.  I know just from the Lyft rides, that sitting that amount of time is disastrous, pain-wise.  The effects seem to come the most the next day.  I know I probably should keep trying to walk, trying to get interested in some little thing or other to "do"--even clear off a counter.  But I lack impetus even to read this week, other than Scripture and daily commentary.  Well, I did read through some of the information that came via email regarding the parish course on dreams.  I will read more of that, for it is quite interesting with more on St. Theresa of Avila and St. Joseph, this week.

I decided to see if there were other options to include in handling what I think might be a major part of this pain situation:  the arachnoiditis.  I researched more, this afternoon, and realize I have the "Adhesive Arachnoiditis"--the nerves are clumped within the spinal cord, so adhesion has occurred.  I re-read the unfortunate prognosis of which this rare disease is progressive.  I did find one doctor who thinks there are helps for it in a combination of hormone therapies, steroids or anti-inflammatory medications, more recently created nerve medication typically used for epilepsy, and opioids.

I read about what is not good to try, of which injections of steroids in the spine are considered not good at all as it tends to make the condition and pain worse.  That is exactly what I tried to explain, in vain, to the pain doctor last early July, but he was insistent.  I ended up in ER that night with a most horrific headache that none of the medications I have would help.  At least I know why those injections such as one years ago, cause more pain and problems than worth, cost, and hassle.

There are a few forums of arachnoiditis patients, but some of the persons had not been actually diagnosed, so the profitability not accurate or as helpful.  Those who had been diagnosed had not had it as long as I have, but their symptoms and agony and the progressive nature was tragic and real.  I recognized the symptoms, also, from the additional information I found on specifically Adhesive Arachnoiditis--with again the notation that most doctors will not have heard of it.  But more will become aware, although there is the reminder that not many people actually have the adhesive type, so not to be looking for specialists in AA, anytime soon.

That is fine.  I simply need to get on top of the pain and discern if best I remain in bed, or if I should try to make myself go for a daily walk.  I am so discouraged with the slightest effort increasing pain to a point that I have trouble managing it; yet I know that walking and stretching are about the only physical helps recommended as far as exercise per se.  A major point for that is to increase oxygen flow which is always good for nerves, muscles, and tissues.

Installing an electro-stimulator is not recommended; it is thought that only increases likelihood of pain issues from the surgical install, and the help for adhesive arachnoiditis minimal to nil.  Since the symptoms and pain worsen with time, some have morphine pumps installed.  But the good of researching more and of reading a few persons' experiences, seems as well to not go the pump route; they require maintenance.

All I know for sure is that this week has been most challenging thus far since surgery, regarding the consistency higher level of pain and the reality that other than remaining in bed on icy pack, any activity makes the pain worse and fatigues me further.  Yet, I pray the Lord help me to go for a walk tomorrow.  I know that the exercise and oxygen flow through the body is healthy.  Perhaps I need to increase the medication dose to offset the added pain of going for a walk. I have no idea how one walk a day and the rest of the time in bed is going to affect the body over a long period of time; I've never had to be down so much over this length of time.  The pain sieges would be a few days to on occasion a few weeks if pneumonia or other illness included.

But whatever else, I do need to get my courage up, the attitude up, the spiritual reading up, the body up--and maybe the pain meds up until perhaps a little walking daily over more weeks and months will build up some type of stamina to not need to be in bed all or as much of the time as now.  And I'm also praying that the Holy Spirit help me, somehow, supernaturally handle this level of pain.  I hope in God He knows this is getting to be too much.  Obviously, He knows.  We're together in this place, this Solus Deus Hermitage, in this room.

I'm praying for whoever out there has Adhesive Arachnoiditis.  I appreciated reading a couple or three stories of people who have it, unfortunately so; and yes, they were persecuted, particularly if not diagnosed for several years. I could relate.  Plus, it is confusing to the patient him- or herself, in that the symptoms also develop and increase over time.  I guess it is good to information gather; I'm thankful for the few forums I noticed.  I also realize that it can be quite sad, thus fact-find but remain focused on my eremitic vocation!

I'm really only going to get through however many years left of increasing pain, by the grace of God.  So I'm hunkering in with the Lord, praying for others (yes, this week I have been keeping up with prayers for others even though my prayers have been droopy perhaps!).  Just have to hang on to Christ and know He's got a far greater and stronger grip on me.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: Little Updates, Temporal-Spiritual

I continue to be sluggish in efforts to do more serious spiritual reading and writing.  The parish is offering a course on spiritual direction, but obviously I cannot physically attend; yet I'm getting the weekly overviews of what is covered.  I doubt I would attend as it is group workshop, and the person who has developed and facilitated it told me it is entry level. 

The group sharing includes dream work; the spiritual leaning is Carmelite--St. Teresa of Avila's writings, and the dreams of St. Joseph.  My desire is to have the weekly overviews which are sent via email be a means of motivating me at least to read some of Teresa's Letters.  I've researched online two of the recommended bloggers' web sites; one woman is a dream facilitator for hire and the other a Carmelite priest's writings.  Even in his blog writing, I somehow cannot get drawn in.  Only in one that was more personal on his part, caught some attention.

Is my mind too mushy for instructive-type writing of which the words seem to go round and round?  My own writing can seem like that at times, such as if I am responding to inquiries about the issues of those in what I suppose is temptation of us all at one time or another, such as myself when early on Catholic and trying to keep up with more the externals, the rules, the formats, of what St. Paul writes in Romans as the laws of man. 

Otherwise my mind's writing seems simplistic in personal, journalistic form.  I suppose I'm more interested in the personal, in what people are, what they feel, what is their mind, heart, and soul, what is genuine, real, spiritual in them; and perhaps that is what I then try to share of myself.

The past week I'm walking a little more, building endurance, and twice have had young family member volunteer to come lend a hand, earn some money, but also provide an uplift of spirits through forgiving and, let us pray, forgetting upsets and offenses, unintended, of course.

For a hermit, unless a religious order monk or nun who later in life requested of superior after receiving eremitic call from God, to be a hermit, the call to this eremitic vocation comes later in life. In other words, there is a life history of experiences that enrich a hermit's ability to live the vocation, but there is also background connectivity, such as relatives and spiritual friends, professional contacts such as doctors, dentists, lawyer, priests, and others we've known and of whom we continue intermittent interaction on as-needed basis.

Next week I must attempt a doctor and dentist appointment that I've put off for an added month.  Thanks be to God, I now will be more able to withstand a Lyft ride to each and back.  While costly, I must not put off these visits any longer.  Perhaps the young family member will return for another couple of hours to help with some heavy pushing of the planter pots so they will be sheltered for the coming of colder weather; if not I will try to cover them for protection from moisture in the soil, freezing, and the planters cracking.

I had quite an unusual long-weekend, last.  I did not understand while experiencing, but by Monday evening the Lord provided the reason for what had transpired.  From Friday through Monday, I had vivid and frequent memories of one of my two familial sisters.  The memories came in images, specific and detailed, from early childhood through last time we'd seen each other over 15 years ago.  The memories included conversations, her spouse and adult children, grandchildren--of which I've only personally met three of her 14 grandchildren, and that was when they were small children, so nearly four decades ago.

The memories were not in any particular order; but they continued flowing into my conscious mind to a point that I wondered about it--especially when at one point, the images included present and future, for I sensed illness, perhaps a point in which my sister would be seriously ill, dying, and wondering would I be able to travel to visit, to see her before she passed.  That was quite odd, that snippet of image and wondering.

Also, I marveled at what I considered to be a miracle, or at minimum a tremendous and unexpected grace God gave me, in that while I had emailed both of my sisters, elder to me, that I would be having spine surgery and on what date, I rarely heard from either of them over the past 15 years since our mother passed.  It is not that I had not reached out to each, myself; but over the years I accepted that they were not desirous of keeping in closer contact so kept with remembering their birthdays and Christmas, and otherwise always responded when and if they wanted to communicate.

So it was miraculous to me, as above mentioned, when the one sister closer in age to me, began texting each morning after my recent surgery.  She had not wanted to communicate with me like this for years, as I've mentioned.  She expressed loving encouragement, prayer, and at times even included personal aspects of her day, of her family, of what she and her spouse were doing.  I tell you, it was amazing--and marvelous!  It seemed as if our parents somehow were in on it, or that she was doing it as if knowing I was recovering from this surgery--a most painful and difficult recovery--mostly on my own in a temporal sense.

My sisters did not approve of my conversion to Catholicism years ago, nor did they grasp or find appropriate or acceptable, the hermit life.  And this is not unusual for non-Catholics, as the hermit vocation is not at all one that other faiths tend to find meaningful or even useful, and somehow do not recognize the tradition of hermits in Christianity nor prior, such as lives of the prophets often exhibited the hermit vocation.

Regardless all this, over the four days of the vivid flow of memories of my one sister, the thoughts of present and future remained strong; it was like a bombardment of connection with this sister for that time period.  In addition, I had a sense of an odd depression over that long weekend; it was not the pain despair I can battle that lasts an hour or two, nor was it a despair that can come with assaults by the devil.

Rather, it was a type of depression that had me concerned, frankly, because it was oppressive yet felt sickening.  Mercy!  At one point, I considered calling Dr. H. and asking him what this might be, but by then I was told within, that this is how my sister has felt and feels.  She has suffered with clinical depression--based from a chemical imbalance--for years and years, from way back.

I was stunned with this inner revelation.  By Monday noon I was questioning more consciously, why all these images and thoughts of this one sister to such a degree.  I had even looked up on Google Maps trying to see if I could locate their house, the street view or find the street itself.  While I gave up that search, for I wondered why I'd be doing that, for what purpose--I sent a text asking if they were all right due to the tornadoes in their locale.

Plus, in the past few weeks, my sister had ceased the daily texts of contact and eased them to every few days, and I let her set the pace, although I always responded, until in the past two weeks, she had ceased then replying.  I figured that she had done God's bidding, and perhaps our parents' nudging, as well as her own efforts, loving and kind, to have this uncanny contact with me after so many years of not wanting to have that level of connection.

So with my inquiring about the tornadoes, I also asked if her back was improving and her exercises helping, for during our spate of post-op texting, she had gone to an orthopedist as her back had been hurting.  He diagnosed arthritis and sent her to physical therapy.

I had no response to my text Monday morning, but by evening I heard back.  It was a much longer text than her usual, and the news let me know why the four days of intense memories and thoughts of my sister.  Her back had become quite painful about two weeks ago (when texts totally stopped); her husband took her to ER, and there after tests run, they were told she has a malignant mass in her abdomen.  She said she cannot talk about it, but she gave me her husband's cell number and that of one of her daughters who lives next door to them.  Even this much information I knew took much for her to share--considering the 15 years of distancing, and actually, when I had converted to Catholicism, there was a cut off for five years then, of no contact at all.

I did call the brother-in-law and the niece and got more information.  Biopsy results hopefully will be in tomorrow, as the oncologists need to know which of two types is the cancer so they can then do the appropriate treatment strategy.  I have had a couple texts from her since Monday, but none today.  This situation has not been easy with the cross of anxiety and depression that she has suffered for years, but their faith is so strong; they are evangelical Christians with a large, Christian support network of over four decades where they live.

All this has been on my mind, though, of course, this week.  There is a tremendous peace for God's will is unfolding, and all the more I am assured of the tremendous power of the Holy Trinity.  It is utterly stunning how the Holy Spirit was bringing the constancy of such lucid memories and thoughts of my sister over those four days.  What is even more astounding is my being given the sensation of how she feels inside, what her clinical depression is like, so that I have a true understanding and a compassion and empathy that the Lord willed for me to grasp.

Even the voice within telling me, "This is what your sister feels and suffers" was profound, for at some level, yes, I needed to know, I needed more empathy for the cross she has carried for years, as well as a gratitude for her husband who has been a faithful and supportive spouse.  Depression is not easy; people tend not to understand what it is and that the person, in clinical depression, cannot simply just "snap out of it," and the medications themselves have side effects that are a cross to bear in themselves.

God is so great!  God is so real!  The power of the Holy Spirit brings us to knowing and embracing God's will in so many aspects!  Jesus binds us to those whom He desires!  I can look back at all the details of those four days and praise the Holy Trinity for preparing me for the news as well as to know that my encouragement and prayers and support are now needed, on my part, to help be a Simone of Cyrene for her, for them--when just three months ago there had barely been contact, had been no opening nor willingness for her to want to keep in touch.

Well, we just never know what God has for us around the corner, or in the next moment.  Thus this selection written by Blessed Guerric of Igny (1080-1157), a Cistercian abbot, has impressed and inspired me this week, even though I still lack discipline and seem to want or need easy distraction rather than spiritual study of which I certainly have time--just not the focus still!

But I definitely know and am stunningly reminded of the numinous reality of being with others in the "in Christ,"  in the Holy Spirit, in the love of God's will.  Uncanny, it is, yet real; freaky in some ways, yet with such tremendous peace that is the tell-tale sign of being of His Real Presence. 

Yet I am concerned about my seeming lack of discipline to gird myself and utilize this time in more serious spiritual endeavor, or structured, perhaps is better word.  I veer to escaping mindful reading, to what seems avoidance of maybe God Himself.  I do not know for sure. It is hard to pinpoint other than I don't seem to be using time wisely or well.  

So I place my total being before God in honesty and weariness, and I pray He has mercy despite my weakness and what I consider to be poor choices in distractions.  At the same time--this seems horrible--I thank Him for the easy distractions that take my mind away from much thinking even if they are of lives out there in the world.  May Bl. Guerric of Igny pray for me, help me, as I re-read what he wrote a millennia ago.

"The soul does not have just a bare hope in God; it overflows with hope, hope mounting upon hope as trial comes upon trial, delay upon delay....

"Listen to Isaiah...tell us with what design the Lord puts off the judgment for a time: 'The Lord delays so he can be merciful toward you, and thus he will be honored for having spared you.  The Lord is a God of judgment; blessed is everyone who waits for him' (30:18).  So if you are wise, give an eye to yourself to see how you are using this delay.  If you are a sinner, do not be heedless but take the opportunity to repent.  If you are holy, the time is given you to progress in holiness, not to slip away in the faith....

"This is the proper way of waiting for the Lord, keeping his troth.  Even though we may miss the consolation of his presence we must not look about us adulterously but wait in suspense for his return....  Fitting indeed it is that the people should be in suspense, as it were, between heaven and earth, unable as yet to grasp heavenly affairs but preferring even so not to have contact with those of earth."

[Just had a text from my sister who had doctor appointment.  She is praising God that her cancer is a more treatable type, the lymphoma, not the sarcoma.  I had asked that favor of the Lord, if it be His will.  I am praising Him for the goodness of this biopsy report, and I know He has not laid this cross at her feet, in addition to the other crosses she bears, if not for His perfect purposes.  Next she sees an oncologist to begin treatment.  She is picking up this cross given her.  

I admit that I'd not want treatment, but I have tasted death before, and how sweet it is.  I had hoped I would die in this past surgery but did not--not even despite the difficulty they were having to keep me breathing for several hours in recovery ICU.   I know the Lord has me here to fulfill my mission.  Yet I am still an unprofitable servant, or so it seems to me.  

I will pray for this sister of mine who is courageously setting out to carry this cross well, for His Name's sake and to the glory of God as witness to her family, especially the many grandchildren, and for the many long-time, Christian friends.  I will build her up with what words the Holy Spirit offers me to use in texts, despite my own phase of weariness, or laziness, or both.  Nasty headache this morning; a small trial indeed it is--but one thorn of His crown of thorns.]

Catholic Hermit: Moved Into Hermitage

It's been an exhausting several days.  After four and a half months of staying with two sets of relatives, this tired and pained consecrated Catholic hermit is finally in a new-to-me hermitage.

Solus Deus:  God alone.

A week ago yesterday the Lord took the wheel of my pickup truck, Precious Blood, and helped me endure 15 hours of interstate-mostly driving through parts of four states and the entire length of yet one more state.  At one point, exhausted, I took an exit by error, although someone had said to get from one interstate to another in a certain town.  So I took the exit that stated the town's name.

Well, I took the instructions too literally.  I was to stay on the one interstate until it intersected the other interstate near that town.  However, an hour and a half later, having seen some side-road vistas and having met six kindly town-persons who kindly gave instructions as to how to get out of the town and find the interstate needed to get to the intersection that would take me yonder in correct direction to my final destination, the man at the post office proved to have the right way.

I spent two nights in an Airbnb (a room to rent via internet reservation but breakfast is generally not included, thus actually an Airb...) whose lovely owner had a floor bed ready for me as I arrived rather late in the evening.  She also, the next morning, gave me strong, hot coffee and made a healthy bowl of oatmeal and allowed me to unwind, for I was in no physical shape to even attempt driving nearby for breakfast out.  I gave her some added money for her kindness--of which she did not want to accept but finally agreed to take what I offered, for Airbnb hosts really do not make a lot of money on their reasonable offerings, and this woman in particular is between phases in her life and has needs.

She was reared Catholic but has lapsed as have so many I encounter, here and there.  She is a gentle, peaceful, and most beautiful soul who tended her parents' in their passing two weeks apart from one another and within two weeks of her brother (their son) passing unexpectedly.  About the same time, her husband of 20 years called her to say he did not want to be married anymore.  This was a couple or more years ago, but still, the impact of the suffering she has borne was not lost on me, one bit.

She also has suffered recently from a torn shoulder and hopes to avoid surgery to repair it.  I'm praying she can have some miraculous healing.  But from my two-shoulder surgery experience, of which the first surgeon missed a major tear and dismissed my concerns for a year saying I was a malingerer and nothing wrong--I hope if no miraculous healing, that she will endure the quite painful surgery but which can fix the problem as she has a lot of life yet to live.  She's in my prayers and in my heart of gratitude, both.

So the house closing appointment came and went.  Both the bank mortgage man and my real estate agent came, as we'd been together in the house-hunting process for the four and a half months.  Each of these men are outstanding, kindly, honest, efficient, and professionals.  What a difference it makes in life when we are assisted in the temporal aspects we all must face and endure, when we have good people with whom we interact and make needful transactions.

Then I got a couple recommendations from the storage facility employees as to local movers, as well as some tips from my real estate agent and online research--and the next afternoon the remains of my earthly possessions were loaded onto trucks by four men.  Within 3.6 hours, the menagerie of mostly religious books and artwork, a few old pieces of furniture, and boxes of pots, pans, dishes, bedding and other temporal detritus of life were unloaded into the garage of Solus Deus, and only the few piece of furniture not requiring repair and refinishing, into the hermitage itself.

I asked them to put the boxspring and mattress of the bed I'd had way back in my Agnus Dei hermitage, six years ago, on the floor as I wanted to see if that then-firm bed my back could tolerate.  It is not bad; I slept on it most of three nights until the pain too much to deal with.  Back to the floor this hermit went; and on the floor for a bed this hermit shall for sleeping and pain sieges, remain.  

(At some point, I will try a piece of 3/8" subflooring on the mattress set and see if the pained back can cope with that added firmness.  Otherwise, I will build a platform with a plywood base, but up high enough so I can see out the windows to a lovely, natural, scenic view, when needing to recline for sleep or pain siege recovery.  I was "sold" on this hermitage--rather unnecessarily large but I have ideas for that aspect--due to the view onto nature and the peace and quiet of the area.  So be it and thanks be to God for the seller having dropped the price dramatically, at which point my agent and I pounced on it.  All went so smoothly and rapidly; the bank lender and agent opined when we were chatting at closing, that they'd never quite had one go so well and so fast.  God chose this one for me!  I'm so grateful to His Real Presence.)

I had the third MRI the pain doctor set up; this one is of the thoracic spine.  At some point sooner than later, he will get the results, go over them with me (and I will ask for a recap of the lumbar and neck MRI's as I was too pained and also stunned by his saying I need surgery), and we will discuss his referral to surgeon.  I will research in advance, being new to this area; and I also will ask for second opinion surgeons.  However, I've come to accept that if more surgery to clear up bone spurs, spinal stenosis, and more bulging discs and compressed discs that have come over the years after the major surgery back in 1987 following 1984 life-altering car accident, then I of course would love to feel any bit better.  That is all the pain doctor has to offer given how bad the MRI results, other than trying another medication he hopes will help any small amount during pain sieges.

So consecrated Catholic hermits or any hermit, still have to deal very much with the temporal, with people and professionals, with having a place to live and all that goes with life and living in this 21st century.  I have to wash out cupboards, wait until Friday for a Shop Vac to arrive, sweep out lower cabinets and closet, unpack dishes and pots and pans, hang up a few clothes, put away bathroom items.  

And soon, I hope and pray, I will unpack the marvelous library of rare and otherwise spiritual books on and by saints, mystics, hermits, spiritual masters and directors, religious order founders, and Scripture scholars.  My library collection has been boxed for nearly six years due to the previous hermitage, Te Deum, being what I later learned a cosmetically covered "tear down" dwelling.  Took five and a half years to gut and renovate, run out of money, and sell just in the nick of time.  Praise His Real Presence for all providence and love!

This hermitage, Solus Deus, has a lovely bonus room upstairs that will be the chapel and place of prayer as well as artistic and creative endeavor.  More on that another time.

For now, I share the following Scriptures read at Masses around the globe, a few days ago.  These I will separate from the aspect of what not to be, to the aspect of how to be in God's sight, in His footsteps, in His love.  So much is ours to choose, after all, which path, which attitude, which perspective, which way to live and be.  God is Love, and turning to and trusting in God is that of LOVE.

I pray you can apply these somewhat hard truths of the two aspects and ways of choosing, in your own circumstances and life.  This selection has been quite meaningful to me as of late.

Jeremiah 17:5-8

Thus says the LORD:
Cursed is the one who trusts in human beings,
who seeks his strength in flesh,
whose heart turns away from the LORD.
He is like a barren bush in the desert
that enjoys no change of season,
but stands in a lava waste,
a salt and empty earth.

Blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD,
whose hope is in the LORD.
He is like a tree planted beside the waters
that stretches out its roots to the stream;
it fears not the heat when it comes;
its leaves stay green;
in the year of drought it shows no distress,
but still bears fruit.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Little children, let us love God above all things and others as ourselves!

Catholic Hermit: Much Suffering, Much Love

The body of this nothing, consecrated, Catholic hermit had yet another pain siege.  A week ago, it was; and it was a rather violent siege of pain of a type I'd not had for over three years.  Thankfully, yesterday the body began to feel better, and the surge of joy exuded--a joy that typically comes following release from extreme pain.

In the meantime, I had some tough news from the pain doctor, regarding some MRI scans of neck and low back.  As I've aged, yes, the pain has increased a great deal, albeit slowly in the way that makes it cumulative rather than seemingly suddenly noticed.  However, I know from other bodily symptoms as well as the effort the mind must make to distract from the constancy of increased pain, that the pain is worse daily, hourly, moment by moment.  

Yet God is so gracious!  He also has helped me learn to place my mind more outside the body, in essence, so that I do not tend to notice the higher levels of pain as much...or so it seems. Distraction helps; manual labor and mental conversations most often with God, and sometimes conversations with people make the pain seem further.

So the MRI's showed spinal stenosis about the rods and fusion, of which the doctor said that area of surgery years ago not even discernible as to what is going on.  But the area above that has stenosis, and including the cervical area (neck) there are bone spurs as well as in the neck two herniated discs to the right side and three compressed discs to the left.

Even in the telling of the spine news, the mind somehow blocked the bulk of it.  Is that the effect of a type of shock?  Perhaps.  He wants to refer me to a surgeon, but first he will order another MRI--this one of the thoracic back.  Now, that area of the back can be quite painful, but that pain has been occurring for ten years or so to greater and lesser degrees depending on various factors.

The shock wore off a day after a night of little sleep.  Too much memory of the life-altering surgery 31 years ago kept me awake--plus the disappointment of more surgery looming and what it can do to up-end what is next.  Of course, that disappointment showed me clearly that once again, I obviously had stepped forward in my mind and heart at some level or other--and out of the Order of the Present Moment.

Thus, back in the present moment, the reality of having more spine surgery, including the neck, does not seem so horrible.  We must do what we must do; we persevere and endure for the Lord is always with us, as we are also in Him.  We remain in His Love.  The pain doctor said hopefully surgery could provide a little relief from what he recognizes is a great deal of suffering.

As for the pain sieges, he is prescribing prednisone to take if I can tell when a siege is coming on, and to take during the siege along with some over-the-counter med to help coat the stomach.  He is trying to provide even a modicum of relief during a pain siege.  Any bit less of pain during those heightened days of pain, will be appreciated by this body, that is for sure!

Life goes on.  Trying to be of a little assistance here where I am temporarily a guest with a cousin and his wife, is a type of joyful distraction.  We are working on a bit of an electrical snafu--a mystery as to why two outlets that share a wall have absolutely no power to them.  I've consulted my dear pal Mark, the electrician I had on the previous hermitage, Te Deum.  What remains for me to do is to get up in the attic space and make my way to the wall in question and look down from above to see if the 12-2 yellow wire has ever been attached to a junction box, or if attached, to see if the ground, neutral, or hot wires have come loose.

My cousin has not relented yet, to my doing that.  He has suffered a health situation recently; it is not easy for him nor for his wife, a long-time friend of mine since childhood.  At least, we have pinpointed the problem's source so that if they do hire an electrician, hopefully they will not be taken advantage of by the electrician's time spent in troubleshooting.  

There is an electrical problem outside their lovely home, as well.  On that, the cousin hesitates on the more involved solution which involves laying conduit with wires adequate for 120v light fixtures.  Their contractor had used 12-volt wires such as is used for Malibu lights, and over the eight years or so, there is obviously a ground fault occurring in those wires not meant for 120v fixtures.  But I had an idea--praise God--last night, and that is to use 12-volt light bulbs in the fixtures as laying 12-volt wires anew is much easier and less costly than the other option which would require hydraulic drilling--a new term for this hermit!

That simply means, as I learned from the man in electrical of their local big box store, using water to drill through soil.  One purchases a connector for the garden hose that will screw into an electrical conduit connector attached to the length of conduit required to go under a sidewalk, turn on the water, full force, and work the piece of conduit through the soil by the aide of the water "drilling" through the soil.  Then the wires are run through the conduit.

The good Lord reminds me through these temporal tasks, that He has all matters handled one way or another.  All temporal aspects or problems as we might consider them, have some type of solution or even multiple options for solutions.  It all works out, one way or another, regardless of how difficult the solution might seem.  And yes, often there is a lot of messy work involved and some suffering, and some outcomes that are less than what we think we'd like.

My back surgery years ago was a mess, yet while I could never live a normal life and still had constant pain, the spine was at least fused, stabilized, and I could walk.  Pain is only pain, we must remind ourselves.  So whatever lies ahead (and a surgeon might look at the MRI's in a different perspective than did the pain doctor), God has it covered with temporal solutions as well as His spiritual purview.  Always God has some spiritual lesson or several, for us to learn in our temporal-spiritual journeys.

As is said in Hebrews 10:39, one of my favorite verses from years ago following the back surgeries which included a death experience between the two:

"But we are not of those who shrink back and are defeated, but we are of those who have faith and persevere in possessing our souls."

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Little children, let us love one another, for God is of love!  These three remain: faith, hope, and love; and the greatest of these is love....

Catholic Hermit Shares a Bit More of Daily Life Developments

Last evening was too wearied to attempt to rewrite some thoughts on the anxieties of daily life that we humans encounter to varying degrees, and Jesus' warning thereof.   Whether or not hermit in the consecrated life of the Church or lay person or priest in holy orders, or religious brother or sister in consecrated life of the Church, or member of a third order or institute of the Church, or evangelical or agnostic, etc.--we each can fall snare to being distracted by daily temporal obstacles.

I also had written (but lost the bulk of the post!) about medical issues that hermits may face, particularly in varying life circumstances be it accidents, illness, or the natural aging process.  Thus it is that today I must drive to civilization for an appointment with an eye specialist, as I noticed recently on way to a monastery's vespers, that I have peripheral light flashes when I turn my head.

With a bit of research, I learned that this requires immediate examination by a specialist, yet it could be that which is connected with age and the drying out of the eye's vitreous and/or corneal layer.  Or, it could indicate a hole, or a retinal tear.  Since my eye sight has declined some, I must do what I must in eye care.

Then I wrote of the recent increase in physical pain level regarding my spine and the difficulty in managing severe pain.  I have noticed it is directly correlated with shifts in barometric pressure, moisture in air,  such as brought on by storm fronts.  The pain can become unbearable, causing my mind and emotions to be overloaded with efforts to maintain.

With severe pain, and over years of it, the brain chemistry is strained.  Certain chemicals become taxed and stripped, such as dopamine and endorphins; the seratonin levels can be affected as well.  This is much like someone with diabetes, whose pancreas and liver is no longer producing proper amounts of insulin.

I recently tried to explain this to a cousin who suffers greatly from diabetes and had major amputation  and now sight impairment as a result of not monitoring nor seeking earlier medical help.  She had commented on pain medications and was confused between addiction and dependency.  In terms for a diabetic, one becomes quite dependent upon insulin but is not addicted to it.  There is no "high" involved in taking the medication.  Her pancreas and liver will not begin to increase proper amounts again so she is on insulin for life and may need increased amounts as she ages.

For one with severe chronic pain, of which the cause has been ascertained in the past and all means of correction were made and all other modes of management in place, the person may require pain medication which helps dull the pain receptors and does the work that the brain chemicals would do if they were fully operational.  Over time, the brain is not able to produce enough to work properly.  There are medications that help make up for that lack, but the side effects can prohibit their use especially in older patients.

So it has been that this wearied, suffering, consecrated Catholic hermit has had a difficult time with the increase of pain from the weather shifts.  It has helped in grasping the unfolding of my vocation, actually, and in understanding the necessity of more prayer and focus, all in balance with trying to keep the body mobile and doing some manual labor as well as the benefit of not many close relationships.

The latter may seem strange, or not quite acceptable, but the reality is that there are few who can cope with the vicissitudes of severe pain and how it impacts the body, mind, heart and spirit at times.  One fights bias and some medical ignorance, and I recently am reminded that my mission is not to educate others on such facts but rather to continue in prayer and praise of God, in the hiddenness and silence of solitude that suffering, also, can appreciate and be appreciated by His Real Presence, as well.

For one to truly listen and commune with the Lord, there is nothing quite like deep suffering to draw one into union with Christ on His Cross.  The Cross becomes a shared experience in which the body, mind, heart, and soul of a human being can meld into His Real Presence and grasp the tremendous love with which He suffered on earth as well as the aspects in which He suffers now, of sorts, of a spiritual sort as He knows all that is transpiring in souls in this world, in this time and place.

As for anxieties of daily life, yesterday the cabinet installer arrived early in the morning to complete the kitchen cabinet install job.  This has been on-going with many odd obstacles since June 6.  He entered, pulled out the trim boards, noted the replacement cabinet that Lowe's finally agreed to order since the employee continued to order ones not tall enough for proper microwave height above range.  He went out to back his truck in closer for better access to his tools and while doing so received a phone cal from the police.

His employee who was driving the installer's second truck, had been in an accident.  "Doug" was needed to immediately return to civilization due to "Chris'" accident.  It did not seem good that Chris did not call, but rather the police did.  The installer apologized for needing to leave, which was kind but unnecessary under the terrible circumstances.  He said he has NEVER encountered anything close to the obstacles that we have had with my cabinet install.

I responded that this is pretty much how my life goes in all aspects of it, with an abundance of trials and obstacles, many of odd nature, and that this is part of a  mystic's existence--and added if he knows what is a mystic.  He said he did, and I said this is my main work: to pray for the souls surrounding the trials and obstacles, for perhaps the main reason for his arriving this morning was that I would know to pray for Chris.

I sent him off with a tin of Love of God Bourbon Balls, and my assurance of prayers, and that I'd let him know my plans for if my pain continues to yoyo so severely with what is now being touted the worst winter in years in my remote locale, that I may need to leave for a couple or so months to stabilize the pain situation.

Later in the day I contacted the priest in monastery close by, and I mentioned I may need to leave for a family member's home which is in a different climate.  He mentioned that there is no way to drive currently due to road conditions, and suggested I close off the stairwell with plastic sheeting as my hermitage downstairs' is quite nippy.  Will do.  He also mentioned getting a different doctor, of which I already have made arrangements as when in remote areas, doctors and nurse practioners come and go seemingly more rapidly, and there is not continuity.

I had to laugh a bit at my temptation, yet, to escape the hardships and the work, to avoid the greater suffering included.  So I bucked up, bundled up more, and got to work in here.  Soon it was too dark to do much more, and artificial light not so great, either, in here.  In a couple of days am supposed to make it to airport as adult daughter arranged a flight for a brief break and to see the grandson in performances.  He is quite the budding actor.

Thus, in all this, there is a continuing marvel and appreciation of the Lord's unfolding my vocation, and of the increasing leanings, just for now perhaps, of more reclusion than otherwise.  Upon return, I will borrow a book of St. Theophan the Recluse, and in the meantime I simply relax in the ride of whatever His Real Presence desires.  There is no running from any of it--not from the eye appointment, not from whatever transpires from that, not from the manual labor, not from the cold, not from the increased pain, not from my mission as a soul nor my vocation as a hermit.

The variety of hermit lives--lived out--is as vast, it seems, as the stars in the sky even if weather prohibits us seeing them.  They are out there, and we are here on this planet, fulfilling our vocations and missions in life--hopefully paying attention to the Lord to Whom we are always and eternally accountable.  At any given moment, we may find ourselves plucked out of this temporal life and standing before Him.  And also, in all given moments, we essentially are standing before Him, as well, and ought keep that in mind.

God bless His Real Presence in us, little children!  Let us love one another, for God Is Love!  Go forth in peace and faith, in God's flow, in every present moment.

Catholic Hermit Ponders Jesus' Warning About Daily Life Anxieties

The following of the Living Word of God dwelt within me since a morning reading last week.  I especially felt the warning of that which I placed in bold: "Beware that your hearts do not become drowsy...from the anxieties of daily life."

It is the anxieties of daily life that tend to trip me in various ways.  I become drowsy in my prayer life unless I offer as prayer the anxieties and the physical pain that when out of control becomes mental and emotional pain.

Yes, the physical pain has been out of control off and on, day in, day out, sometimes skips a day, but seems to go with barometric pressure shifts in weather: storms.  So storms have become the anxieties of daily life--and the cold!  Despite insulation, heat pump--the hermitage is very cold downstairs.

The monk priest up the road today suggested stapling plastic over the stairwell opening....

[I just lost with one wrong tap of a laptop key, the bulk of the text of what I wrote of the anxieties of daily life and am too weary to attempt the rewriting.  So a swath of sharing, ideas, and obviously not crucial thoughts to you readers and to God Himself, are several paragraphs omitted now due to their being lost forever, which is perhaps a mercy!

Some of the words included examples of more obstacles in various ways, of daily life anxieties of this consecrated Catholic hermit and mystic, including a bizarre event this morning requiring much prayer for a man involved in an accident...requiring the cabinet installer to have to leave before he even began the final effort to finish the hermitage kitchen. By now, after various repetitive such occurrences with about anything attempted in the hermitage, or also with doctors, I am convinced God's reasons are for me to pray for the people and events and not be concerned with the obstacles preventing a temporal means to an end.

I'm not sure what I wrote prior to these words, but It had something to do with being prepared to meet at any time, in judgment, and the only to whom we ought be concerned ultimately:]

are the Christ, the Son of Man, the Son of God, God in Three Persons, His Real Presence.

There is more I'd like to share, such as additional thoughts of the Lord's helping me adapt to and accept the more austere aspect of hermit life, that of more reclusion and the practical reasons thereof.  As for the spiritual benefits, there are also challenges; but He will guide, lead, unfold and sustain me in the gradual but currently unavoidable process.

How marvelous is the Lord in all aspects of every detail of our lives! I must remember to not over work the efforts nor to fret the obstacles, to not succumb to the anxieties of daily life.   For now, I pray whenever it comes to mind, day or night:  Lord, Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.


Luke 21:34-36

"Jesus said to His disciples:
'Beware that your hearts do not become drowsy
from carousing and drunkenness
and the anxieties of daily life,
and that day catch you by surprise like a trap.
For that day will assault everyone
who lives on the face of the earth.
Be vigilant at all times
and pray that you have the strength
to escape the tribulations that are imminent
and to stand before the Son of Man.'"

On Catholic Hermits' Health, Medical Concerns

How do contemporary, consecrated Catholic hermits deal with health and medical issues?

This topic may be of interest to some, as it can become an issue considering whatever degree of solitude as well as living location and finances.  This consecrated Catholic hermit intended to share thoughts on the topic after first writing about effects of the will dying, then aspects of bi-location, as well as discerning what are God's insights and what are yet one's own intellect and ideas.

But the past few days met with an unexpected wound on the hermit's thumb which developed into something rather serious requiring, thankfully, advice from a friend far away whose daughter is an ER nurse, who looked at a photo sent via iPad and said get to urgent care right away.  And when that night, the thumb worsened and had additional symptoms due to young physician's assistant at urgent care evidently inexperienced with such matters, a return email from friend advised I get to hospital immediately.  Fever meant sepsis poisoning.

By the interaction of my guardian angel in the ER, mercifully am spared hospitalization but am yet in recovery mode.  How quickly blood poisoning can cause dangerous effects.  I am yet very weak and not easy to type as thumb is bandaged and in splint, but I at least wanted to begin this post that will discuss such aspects of how contemporary hermits may handle their health and medical concerns.  

Per usual with the uniqueness of individual hermits and variances therein within the vocation, I can only share from personal experience but include the historical overview of some past hermits.

Until later...God bless His Real Presence in us!