Catholic Hermit: Challenges in Transition

I'm finding actual, physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual challenges during the transitions from one phase to another.  Considering such as a hermit's "stricter" separation from the world, the transitions between phases involve various aspects but can be also viewed in the "-er" of "stricter."  

My learning to discern and to understand God's "ways" with me (and somewhat with others, in compassion and not judging but in observing and learning with and from others' lives) exist in my "following" to His "leading" and even "ordaining."  I refer to "ordain" defined "as of God, prescribing and determining", so in that sense God very much ordains the phases including transitions between phases according to His will and desire, and His knowing what is best for me.  

God does and acts justly, He ordains for every soul who desires to believe in faith, to hope in God, to love Him in Himself, to simply accept and follow His leading.

Dr. H. called this morning.  He has spoken to a man in his office building who does acupuncture but who has himself suffered severe and chronic pain involving the spine.  Dr. H. is going to set up a time to hear this man's story, for the man wants to share it.  The man has come to deal with his pain through some deeper spiritual means.  Dr. H. wants to include me in a conference-type call, as he thinks this man's story might be of interest, given my spiritual life and experiences, plus the suffering.

Within this discussion of which I'm always interested in people's journeys and including their sufferings being formative in their spiritual lives, I mentioned to Dr. H. my period of current transition in which I realize I am to accept a yet deeper call and deeper, blind faith entering into that which I know not.  Yet I know God will lead me to far better and greater understanding and perhaps better ability to pray for others in ways beyond what has been.  I also, in faith and in hope in God, consider that I must pass through this transition period of some trepidation in the unknown and needing courage, for I must let go of what was, and not linger in grieving what was.  

There are various challenges a person experiences when in transition from a lesser phase to a deeper phase.  One must step forth as if stepping off an outcropping of a cliff  over a body of water--a cliff that one has not climbed to that point prior--and to simply drop or dive as best one can muster, with full abandonment to God, into the unknown waters below.  The climb to that outcrop as well as the aspects one experiences, thinks, feels is a climb that has been at various levels and degrees of incline over a period of temporal time.

The phase prior to a transition and then the actual dive into the unknown depths of a deeper phase involve details unique to each soul aspiring to union with God.  

Other than praying about facing and overcoming, passing through, the challenges in my specific transition, I also wrote an email to one who seems to me wise and seasoned in years and relatively unscathed and unfettered by such as personality disorders or other ailments.  Rather refreshing for such as me with my pain issues and various other flaws.

I'll share some of what I wrote; perhaps I am more clear in correspondence.  I have no idea.  I'll put it in a separate, next post, for some of what I wrote might serve as reminder or more, to me of various thoughts in this particular transition period.  It will also remind me that even in correspondence, there may be found a hermit's consideration of God as our source of beingness, God prominent and central--the ALL--to and in the life He bequeaths:--our temporal bodies, our minds, our hearts/emotions, our souls.

Catholic Hermit: Physical Instability

Well, dear readers, I had previously mentioned pondering "stability" which is one of the Nine S' of the platform in my hermit Rule of Life.  My Rule of Life being the Gospel Rule--the Nine S' are ways in which I strive to incorporate the aspects with living out the Gospels.

Silence.  Solitude.  Slowness.  Suffering.  Selflessness. Simplicity.  Stability.  Stillness.  Serenity.

As soon as I focused thoughts on stability--what it is, the various facets both temporal and spiritual, physical, mental, emotional and of the soul--I found myself in a situation in which I had to do exactly as I'd not hoped to have to do.  I had to physically remove myself from my temporary living situation and travel to another location where I am currently staying in a guest room with ensuite bath in a large home of a family member and long-time friend.

This time here is temporary, as well, while my real estate agent and I keep in touch long distance--both sets of eyes on the real estate listings in the locale it seems best for me to purchase a hermitage (dwelling) and live for however long God wills.  

I always keep hoping for a place to remain, but then I consider St. Benedict who went out into the desert for solitude, and it was not long before many others followed him.  Then he was called upon by God to create a rule of life, and a religious order had its inception and roots developed, still growing after many centuries.  St. Benedict thus was called out of hermit mode of silence of solitude.  

It might be hard for us to accept that the hermits we may consider--or have our own perceptions thereof--must face the reality that many hermits have had to uproot and shift locations off and on for centuries.  Other hermits, perhaps most notably ones of yore or who became hermits while having been in a religious order, were more stabilized in location.  Still, when they aged, often enough they had to uproot and come back to the "mother house" or such, to be tended until they passed on.

Here, I've had a dream.  It is the first dream in seemingly months; and it is a dream that is helping me grasp and have faith and trust, that the uprooting from the other location that was temporary in itself, will all work out over time.  Sometimes when one must leave a place, there can be misunderstandings, or it can be that the one leaving knows it is time and for the best, yet not know for sure what is ahead or why it had to be that one must leave.

Not long after arriving in the current situation, I realized the good God has for me to do here.  My cousin is recovering from deep depression brought on by extreme fatigue as well as facing what can be difficult for anyone--shift in life from full-time work to retirement.  He is still exhausted but there is hope for recovery even if it might take a long time.  There are tasks here that he needs help accomplishing, so yesterday I was up on a steep embankment, aerating the soil with a pronged tool as he and I then mixed soil amendments to be worked as best possible, into the soil.

It was hard work for one who has not had manual labor to do for 3-4 months.  I so needed it!  Yes, am sore today, but there is yet more to be done once weather permits.  He got engaged in the efforts, and we have seen him smile more in three days than what was reportedly any time before since the exhaustion and depression up-ended his body and mind, and shocked his and his wife's lives.

I've become used to more or less living out of a small suitcase with supplies of all types in my truck.  I had intended to drop off some of the truck "stuff" at storage when I left where I'd been staying, but the storage facility did not open its gates until 6 a.m., and I was up and on the road before 5 a.m.  I had not slept the night before, as it was not easy for me to leave where I had been staying.  Lots of aspects about that which kept me awake, but I did need to leave, to give my hosts a break and have their household back more to usual.

Of course, I had no idea that I'd be of such usefulness here.  Even getting the cousin to ride in my truck as we went to a nearby Home Depot to load up on peat, steer manure, garden soil (which we don't need after all), and a special aerating/soil churning hand tool, was fun for him and yes, a victory to claim for the Lord!  I did not know the way to the store, and he verbalized the directions to me in detail.  I've been told he is conversing far more than previously.  Praise the Lord!  

Another person here for now--this Catholic hermit, a known cousin--who can talk and laugh, and listen, also allows his wife to tend to other matters.  We all three have become a team of sorts.  Yet also, I have most of the day during the weekdays, for silence and solitude, for prayer in quiet as well as when we are striving in some task they need help with--to pray in activity.

We are all in same age range and have suffered various trials in life.  Another cousin calls and texts from across the country, and she has had to go through severe medical trials in these later years.  It all helps the cousin here to be encouraged, to be reminded that we persevere, that we will keep going, and that there is progress and hope.  God provides!

I have no idea how long I will be here.  There is another town not too terribly far that I can drive and see some friends I've not seen in nearly three decades.  We never know how the Lord will use us or why, until we allow ourselves to do, sometimes, what we otherwise would think not at all the best to be doing.  It was an absolute miracle that I was able to drive as far as I did, praying all the way.

The prayers were driven by the situation I was in, by the unknowing of waiting in blind faith for the Lord to choose--and let me know, as well, His will--for the hermitage He wills for me.  Other aspects and distractions made the sensing and discerning increasingly confused.  However, it came time and perhaps past-time, for me to depart for a time of which I know not how long.

I tell you, I've never in my life been in such a space of temporal time period in which there was such unknowing!  Driving along roads in states I'd not driven in previously, I encountered snow and freezing rain; then came the dense fog as my small truck followed semi-trucks down lonely stretches of highway, from higher elevations into low lands.  We could not see more than 20 feet ahead, yet the experienced truckers led the way, and I followed in a type of faith that taught me much spiritually.

All in our daily lives teaches us; and when we place our bodies, minds, hearts, and souls into God's will, we can only go along in a type of blind faith, through fogs and dangerous conditions, through sun and vast spaces of wonderment and beauty, through darkness with bright lights, from rare headlights to thousands of lights whizzing on multiple lanes of frenetic, fast traffic-flow.  

By that point, I recognized all the more that my angel Beth, as well as my parents, my long-time friend's parents, and her husband--my cousin's parents--were all guiding and essentially driving my pick-up through the final phase of the journey and safely to this large home perched in hills above valleys wherein live masses of humanity, as far as eyes can see.

Stability?  Physical stability--I'd have to say not at all for this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit!  But interior stability--yes, it is settling down to that after some time of tumult in various aspects, within and without.  I'm reminded that much of tumult has to do with my sensing and feeling and loving so deeply.  Depth of feeling, sensing, and loving can stir that which perhaps needs to be stirred.  Then the slow simmering comes, and the peacefulness of inner and outer stability assures that all is well and all shall be well.  God has all in His providence and will!

God bless His Real Presence in us!  

Catholic Hermit: Unnecessary Human Suffering?

[Apologies that this is quite lengthy and perhaps in some ways repetitive, but it is a contemporary depiction of one consecrated Catholic's temporal situation with temporally-caused yet God-allowed physical suffering.  It also is becoming a national talking point with real-life ramifications for not only those who are opioid addicts and abusers, but for those with legitimate pain, and what the latter must contend with now and going forward.  All the more, this hermit must rely on the Lord for miracles in enduring and persevering, and to be willing to accept yet more suffering.  I am hoping that a family member who is with a national news organization will present the other side of the reality, and educate the population which might also remind medical providers, of what will be ramifications for what is unfolding as unnecessary and actually cruel suffering--especially for those without high pain tolerance or perhaps more importantly a spiritual connection with God to endure  high levels of physical pain.   This is all part of my hermit existence, my eremitical journey, my life in the temporal world and my existence as well in the spiritual and mystical realms.]

My higher level back pain continues to fatigue and cause debilitating nausea.  This nothing consecrated Catholic hermit has had to return to taking what low-dose pain meds I have remaining, on regular basis, as a result.  Even so, on some days the pain is too much and radiates through to the stomach and intestines, regardless.

I had an appointment scheduled to see the nurse practitioner of the practice I'd gone to a year ago this month and after for a couple months or so, for the now-requirements to meet in order to be allowed even lowest dose pain medication, even if one has medical records and never any increase in dose over time.

Last spring when the weather shifted to fewer pressure fronts and lower humidity, I went off the pain meds, on my own.  I did this with the result of increased fatigue and less productivity and quality of life; but in another sense, I gained freedom from the increasing medical hassles involving these medications.  Freedom is worth much and can offset some aspects of pain itself.

Yet, November 2 the weather shifted, and I had a lengthy pain siege and the onset of this wretched, debilitating nausea from the back pain radiating through to digestive tract.  For twenty-five days, I could not function other than to get water to drink, microwave some bagged, salty popcorn, and grange eat whatever simple, when the nausea would tolerate.

Well, finally I had enough lucidity one afternoon in a temporary lessening of pain to realize I needed to return to taking the pain meds, of which I had some left from stopping last spring.  Within two doses, I was able to get up, the dark thoughts I'd been battling disappeared, and I was able to shim and install center-opening closet doors.  Victory!

Then came the day to travel to the medical practice in civilization.  Yesterday.  But two hours or less before I needed to leave the hermitage, someone from that practice called.  I will not go into the untruths they concocted--for who knows what purpose other than to discourage me from coming to the appointment.  There were ridiculous notions about Medicare not paying them since they said their nurse practitioner was not on my card, of which I dug out my card and only my name on it, of course, and said so into the phone....  That was just one of several odd claims.  

Three times I was put "on hold" while the phone person went to consult with presumably the nurse practitioner.  Then back on the phone with yet another bizarre ruse and obstacle.  Another one was that since another doctor's name was listed as my primary doctor at the pharmacy, of which I'd started patronizing over two years ago, when that doctor was still in practice, but I pointed out when I came to this medical practice a year ago, there was no problem at all with their receiving payment from Medicare and also no conflict with the other doctor listed at the pharmacy for the several times I'd been to their practice or their urgent care.

So strange.  I'd forgotten that the pharmacy had asked back then who was the primary physician, whose practice went out 18 months ago.

Then I was told that even if I did keep the appointment, they would require that I go through another "pain evaluation" of which I went through that ten months ago and paid a high fee for it, to boot.  The "pain evaluation" consisted of my placing x's on a basic outline of a human body, front and back, to mark where I have pain.  My left arm did not have x's on it....

And then, I was told that even with the pain evaluation repeated, they likely would not refill my pain meds (which have been found to be the only type that takes the edge off the pain and does not have side effects for me, not to mention is inexpensive).  All other alternatives I've tried have had awful side effects resulting in my having to immediately get off, and they were very costly and did not take even an edge off the pain.

There are more issues with the two doctors and two nurse practitioners at this facility, of which I had to research the other medications they'd want me to try, prior to buying them; and each time I'd discover either the medications were of the same chemical family that had adverse side effects--of which I had told the doctor; or were not covered by my insurance because they should not be prescribed for persons over a certain age; or they were not to be prescribed for what I needed to be corrected, including one medication to help me sleep.  That one caused sleeplessness, and another had a life of four hours so it could help one fall asleep but not to stay asleep.  Ataying asleep was my problem because the pain wakes me up in middle of night as the headache somehow increases in intensity during the night.

I was asked again if I still wanted the appointment.... I declined for I asked why would I do all that sitting and driving when I am nauseated from pain that day, pay again for a ridiculously priced "pain evaluation", only to be not given the low dose of medication that actually helps without side effects, and have a nurse practitioner want to experiment on me with other medications, when I have tried all they had to offer or else could not take them due to side effects or not to be prescribed to my age group? 

The whole conversation was, in the end, ludicrous.  Early on in it, after pointing out one of their obstacles was not founded in truth and proved it, I did suggest that if the nurse practitioner would prefer not having me as a patient, to just say so.  But no, they did not want to do that.  Odd, the whole thing, because one year ago there was no issue with prescribing refills for the pain medication I'd been on for a long time, no problem seeing me and being paid by Medicare.

But there is one difference, and that is the current climate and increasing shut down of pain medications even for those people who have documented, legitimate pain and who have had corrective surgery, physical therapy, counseling for pain management, and have tried any new medication out there to no avail.  

What not having my pain medications refilled means that when I run out of what I have left over, I will not be able to function even moderately as I have done since taking them again.  'Tis far better to be up part of the day and able to be mobile, as back patients decline if in bed more than three or four days.  I had been down for over three weeks.  Would either start to faint from the pain if I tried to stand to paint some trim, or the nausea would be so limiting that I'd have to be down flat.

I am facing being bed-ridden (and for me that is floor-ridden since the mattress I'd gotten was too soft and made the situation even worse).  And I am facing on-going battle of dark thoughts for too much pain makes the mind and emotions unable to cope, to think clearly, or the mind wants to be out of the severe suffering that death is longed for, right then.

(I recall reading in a letter St. Therese wrote when confined to her bed of suffering, that if her medication bottle were to be left on the bed stand, she'd be too tempted to take the pills and die.  And then there is shared suffering of Ven. Liebermann who was afflicted with epilepsy, and he confided his suicidal thoughts that he battled for several years prior to his--thankfully so--natural death after yet more suffering.  And I've often wondered what Jesus was praying and thinking when in Gethsemane and also on the cross, for we are told of just a few prayers and statements, but there would have had to be far more in the length of time He suffered until his merciful and freeing death.)

Well, this situation of what I could consider to be unnecessary suffering, has one more option to keep it from being unnecessary.  I have an appointment with a doctor in another medical practice, of which none of the other doctors will prescribe pain medications.  (So many doctors do not want to deal with it because of the increasing societal fear by media-driven stories of those who do abuse and would snort nutmeg or whatever to get "high", or  the increasing government regulations--all of which are going to painful extremes, these days.)

I have no idea if this doctor will provide a refill or enough--at least until the weather returns to fewer pressure shifts and lowered humidity and/or I can finish and sell and go where the conditions will hopefully be better for a spine full of arthritis.  The pain-ridden back and neck have worsened with age from a surgery 30 years gone awry and requiring a life-saving second surgery--16 hours of surgery in 18 hours' time period.

It has come to a point in which it is most difficult to be prescribed even the lowest dose of pain medication, and people in general hold ignorant opinions of those who take pain medications.  Even those close to someone who needs pain medication can hold uncharitable opinions and don't hesitate to offer them. Yet if they had a day of such pain, they'd be wanting any relief, themselves.

Those with legitimate, intractable, chronic and higher level pain are facing a dilemma.  My surgeon years ago, as well as a neurosurgeon, explained when I was fearful of taking pain medication before and after surgery, that those with legitimate pain will find that the medication is absorbed by the body and utilized to subdue the pain.  They reassured me I would not be addicted, but yes, a person with intractable pain becomes dependent on relief just as someone with diabetes is dependent upon insulin.

Plus, if a person does not have an addictive personality, that is another safe-guard compared to those who do not need pain meds for bodily pain. (They might have emotional or psychological pain and thus wanting a "high").  Mayo Clinic explains regarding those with legitimate and those without, if one feels  a sensation of being "high" one will know they do not need pain medication or that amount, at least.

I've never felt "high".  I was trained long ago to realize that I will always have pain, and plenty of it; but when it gets to a point as I age that I cannot mentally or emotionally cope with the level of pain, the medication will reduce the pain sensations slightly.  Thus, a problem arises for some patients such as those post-operative, who keep wanting more because they think it will take away all their pain.  They do not help themselves by thinking thus; they must accept after all has been surgically done for them, after physical and psychological therapy has done all it can, that they are not going to be pain-free.  It does not work that way; wanting increasingly more pain medication in those instances is the road to being over-medicated and still pain will remain.


I have been asking the Lord, "What is going on?  What is He doing?"  If this final doctor will not provide a refill or more to give me time to finish up here, to get my body into better weather conditions and ultimately to sell and move to a more helpful climate--why must I suffer seemingly unnecessarily?  My spine and thus pain are only going to get worse with every passing year.  Surgeons and neurologists said that years ago, despite my determination to do all to keep me from that reality.  And I did not take pain medications for 25 years other than when in a pain siege, in which I'd early on be given an injection of morphine that would knock me out for a day or more and then suffer the remainder with pain medications until rested enough and pain lowered enough that I could get up and be on top of the pain--rather than pain on top of me.

But then for several years after having moved to another location, and doctors did not grasp the severity of the pain, it took quite awhile for one of them to realize on a more personal level, the extent of the pain sieges.  And the Lord gave me a locution one night, prior to my conversion to Catholicism, and it was simple, "Mortification."  I suffered tremendously through repeated pain sieges, and more than that, my young children suffered by living with a single parent who was in agony as well as in bed for days at a time, over and over, and they had to carry forth, get themselves up and off to school.

Since my life is a struggle with the pain limitations as it is; and I now will need additional supernatural and miraculous abilities to manage this level of pain, especially if without the low dose pain meds to help take an "edge" off.  I would like the chance to build up the brain's endorphins; and being too ill to get up and keep active counters back pain management efforts.

And what I know to be true, is that I am not at all alone in this societal and medical climate of extremism in the opposite direction when it comes to pain medications.  Just the other day I was told of a mother of teenagers who "accidentally overdosed" from pain medication.  She had survived cancer; I do not know more, but either she did take some pain medication with some incompatible other medication, unwittingly, or there was a hopelessness in her life that she could not bear, or there was residual pain that was more than she could handle.  I do not know; but those without high degree of intractable pain would only see it as yet another reason to not prescribe pain medications to anyone.  

While for me, it does seem unnecessary suffering to be denied pharmaceutical help when I have never abused medication and have learned various means to manage pain.  (A doctor from my distant pass who lives where I lived at the time before and after surgery, told me I had an amazingly low dose of medication considering the pain level I had 30 years ago.  And I'd rather keep it like that, limit my life somewhat but not totally, for who except addicts really want to have to be tied to pain medication--especially given the hassles along with it? 

I'm going to put off the hand surgery, at least for now.  The couple who bring me Holy Communion once a week told me of a relative who had a badly broken wrist.  The surgeon gave her 10 pills of the lowest dose of pain medication, and that was to handle the pain for five days until her surgery.  She could not endure the raw pain and had to take double, so only had five "doses" that barely got her through a little over a day.  Thankfully her surgery was moved up three days.  But the inhumanity of prescribing ten low-dose pills for an older person in extreme pain--and who was not used to pain--seems harsh if not unwise! Blood pressure raises with pain, heart rate rises.  Not good.  Strokes cn occur, or cardiac arrest which is what happened to me in recovery room years ago because the rods were not bent properly, and the pain caused massive heart attack.  And besides too high of pain, the mind and emotions find it difficult to endure, especially for those not used to pain such as the elderly woman with badly broken wrist.

Regardless, I am concerned that I will not be given adequate pain relief with a hand surgery, on top of my back pain that is at least for now too high.  The hand surgery is a four-month recovery; and the severity of my recent, lengthy back pain siege is topping off what I have the ability to handle.  I wait in faith for the Lord, and if at all possible to be able to learn to be to function with the higher level of pain which might be the new normal.  I will need to be able to manage yet more pain increasingly as I age.

It seems unnecessary to have added suffering when there is helpful medication, even if others who do not have pain have made a mess of matters by taking medication they do not need.  The extremism in another aspect is a different type of crisis, and will become over time, more so.  I doubt in my lifetime there will be a return to reason and balance, or for truly effective medications to be developed that do not have a host of side effects such as most newly created medications have in addition to not lengthy time periods of trial patient usage.  Some medications that I tried years ago that had been developed and touted as helping pain, have been removed from the market.  One was found to be devastating for the liver.

So I am praying about what the Lord has in His Mind with all this.  Yes, seems an unnecessary suffering to be now snagged in this situation, let alone to face suffering without even slight relief.  The Lord will be my light and guide.  I will try to have the courage to persevere and endure what otherwise could be handled reasonably, with compassion.  It is not as if I have ever been irresponsible or not fully trust worthy.  I'm not an addict or dealer, for pity's sake.

For sure, though, I am one of thousands of suffers who've not improved after accidents and surgeries, and for whom all has been tried and found either ineffective or detrimental.  Even though medications are tested, they are not tracked for years to see their long-range effectiveness and/or dangerous side effects.  A newly touted pain med that was tried on me several years ago caused all-night seizures.  Terrible, frightening, and life-threatening, it was!  At the time, the pharmaceutical company advertised it as non-addictive.  Wrong.  But doctors were prescribing (and still do) as preferred to the old pain medications, although it was also extremely costly.  People who used it wrote on forums calling it "The Devil Drug" and warning people to not take it if prescribed, for it was indeed highly addictive, with bad side effects, and worse than heroin withdrawals, they said, if one stops taking it.  Now, a few years later, that recent drug is listed as a "scheduled" medication.  Still has terrible side effects.

I agree that something must be done about those persons who are addicted to pain medications--young people who get started due to partying with friends, or those seeking a "high" for the sake of a drugged sensation, or those who have emotional problems for which they want a "high" to escape those problems, real and awful as they may be.

But yes, it does seem unnecessary suffering, to be effectively penalized due to the abuse of medications by others.  I'm sure the Lord is allowing this situation for those many who are caused unnecessary suffering, for a reason.  It is humbling, for one thing; and it is making me to endure in aspects I'd never dream I'd have to endure.  It is requiring of me more faith than I think I have, more courage, and also to accept whatever God allows or does not allow.

I do hope a medication is developed that people will not be able to corrupt and turn into some kind of dangerous street drug to sell to addicts, and that the medication really does subdue pain and also does not have terrible side effects to other organs of the body, including the brain.  

Suffering constant physical pain is quite a journey and a relevant concern; and there is no real means to educate others to not penalize those of us who do not have unrealistic expectations of a medication and who do not abuse or want increasingly higher doses.  And another problem for which I must pray, is that medical practitioners have some experience with suffering, themselves, or enough insights into pain patients.  For our quality of life is being determined in some real aspects, by medical practitioners who have not experienced, for the most part, or can fathom, long-standing, higher levels of pain.

It is amazing how God does bring a hermit to the world and the world to the hermit, in real and vital ways--such as pain!  Yes, so much to pray about, and in this one, I am far from alone with what is going to be quite an unnecessary suffering for many, many legitimate sufferers, and whose pain escalates with age.  And the reality is, also, that at any present moment, someone who has not had to deal with the extremism of the across-the-board current reaction in how to handle pain medications, will find him- or herself a rest-of-life pain victim.  Then there will be more who will need to somehow endure unnecessary levels of human suffering by the decisions of medical personnel, when a high level could be at least lessened.

Some things just are.  Pain is, people in the world are as is , and God Is.

Catholic Hermit: The Lord Gives and Takes Away

Praised be the Name of the Lord!

Mercy, the right hand, particularly the thumb down to its base, is acutely painful. The Lord knows what finishing work inside and gardening work outside yet remains.  But the thumb that had a drill whip injury and periodic flare ups the past two years is now needing correction, it seems.  That right hand and the recent back pain siege has been an excellent way for the Lord to remind me of total dependence upon His will in all things.

Ran into temporal hassles trying to get into primary care doctors and Nurse practitioners.  But the pain motivated me, along with the thought from my angel via Holy Spirit, to do an online search for a hand orthopedist.  Found one with good reviews and amazingly with a number for new patients!  Did not need a referral from general practitioner and am going to be seen in a week if not cancellation sooner.  A drill whip injury is quite painful, the thumb laid back with force.  I hoped to avoid surgery but in the silence of solitude and enforced mattress rest for nearly three weeks, I realized I will not be able to use my right hand for much now or in future if not repaired.

The Lord gave me a specialist and not long to wait for some relief.

Yesterday I had quite the nudge to call for an appointment to get the laptop repaired.  Tracking pad has not worked well for awhile, and I thought the warranty up in early December.  But I called due to the nudge within to do so.  Turns out the warranty was up yesterday so was told to go as a walk in customer and wait.  May the Lord be praised!  I do not mind waiting; I've been waiting for Jesus to come for me for some time....  The laptop is out for a week, they think, and I could not have afforded the repair had I called today.  The Lord gives even if He takes temporarily, some tangible tool.

The use of the right hand is taken away for the most part.  When I do use it minimally, the Lord allows pain as the consequence.  I will attempt using the pneumatic Brad nailer to install baseboards upstairs, knowing that I will have increased pain.  When it becomes too much, I will stop.  And I must not complain for the consequences.  The Lord is providing help, on its way sooner than I could have hoped!  I will not push the hand beyond prudence, but I will put it to a small test.

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.

In reading chapter five of Book Two of The Collected Works of John of the Cross, the gist is that of our letting go of attachment not only in the more temporal senses but to also let go of attachment of the interior senses, of the supernatural aspects of mind, heart and soul.  One is to allow blindness in knowledge, intellect, and understanding, for example, and to let go of attempts to figure out any visions and locutions.  We are to rest in darkness, passively, and allow the Lord full reign over our totality of being.  He will then introduce faith--that faith that passes all understanding and ushers our souls into union with God.

The Lord gives, thus, when attachments are taken away.  When our attempts to see are taken, blindness is given.  This type of blindness is good.  Blind faith is what God desires, yet it occurs by His grace and of taking our supernatural attachments and giving us divine union--that we then see as God sees, fully united within His will.

I hope and pray that is the path I'm on.  I have no idea, but I hope and pray that He takes whatever attachments and gives blind faith at some point.  Am very weary, and passivity is a welcome position.

The Lord decides.  The Lord wills and bequeaths the giving and the taking away.

With whatever we are, love God.

Catholic Hermit Consoled, Uplifted: Zephaniah Speaks

Today's alternate first Scripture reading at Mass uplifts this pained and worn out nothing consecrated Catholic hermit (and mystic--of which no labels matter but am hoping to normalize the term for those who hold misguided notions).

Zephaniah speaks!  I take it to heart, and his words uplift my soul and encourage.  Then I, in turn, can uplift and encourage others in my thoughts and prayers.  

Perhaps, also, will uplift and encourage the young man, Daniel, who is coming today from a distance.  He will help lift some drywall to install and help frame the stairwell opening wall.  Here he comes for the day, and just payment, from a distance which is a bother, this young man of the Church of the Nazarene; and the close-by Catholic youth is too busy playing basketball presumably day and night, to help me for twenty minutes, according to his wary-of-me parish administrator mother.  No help, not for love nor money nor both.

Deus vult!  The Lord wills it!  He often wills what we do not understand, what does not make common sense to us.  And I am reminded to not dissect nor analyze other than to trust that Jesus knows what He is doing, and He is allowing the one young man and not the other.  I am to praise the Lord and follow Him, just go along with whatever transpires in the present moments.

"Be glad and exult with all your heart...
the LORD has removed the judgment against you,
He has turned away your enemies;
The King of Israel, the LORD, is in your midst,
you have no further misfortune to fear.....
Fear not...be not discouraged!
The LORD, your God, is in your midst,
a mighty savior;
He will rejoice over you with gladness,
and renew you in His love...."
        --from Zephaniah 3

I am hoping to get a few more Christmas cards out in the mail before Daniel arrives.  Plus, I'd like to paint the laundry area baseboards that I cut and primed yesterday.  This morning I realized I need to remeasure and recut after I screw on the dryer socket plate cover.  As Teresa of Avila said that God is amidst the pots and pans, He is surely also amidst the carpentry details.

Upon waking I was first reminded of the vision dream over 21 years ago on the eve of my confirmation as a Roman Catholic.  I was shown a seemingly endless passageway made of flat stones--pathway, walls, rooms on either side of Gothic arched hallway.  I was shown into some of the rooms and was let known that I could enter, study, learn, be taught and then move on through the passageway.  I did not need to stop at every room; but I was to proceed.

Now I must trust in what is next, in what area of passageway or through and into another.  I do not see now, the doorways to rooms, right and left, nor do I see the arches or down the length of passage.  I only see the stones paving the ground upon which I must try to keep walking onward in blind faith yet knowing in that same faith that the Lord is leading with loving assurance.

It is all very good indeed in the soul and spirit.  My body is weary, true; and the way forward may seem rugged simply and solely in the temporal aspects.  My only effort is to flow onward through space and time while sensing the Lord with me, in my midst...but actually my being in His Midst.

"The LORD, your God, is in your midst, a might savior...."

Hermit's Lent Never Dull: Sharp & Painful!

Merciful Heavens!  Allowing God to have full reign in all plans for Lent brings forth the unexpected each day, each hour, each moment.

It has become scorchingly painful for this Nothing Consecrated, Catholic Hermit!  [Am capitalizing each of the previous four words because each has emphasis and totality of meaning, thought, truth that can stand alone.]

It has been so painful that I have not written for awhile.  I have not been able to call the handful of contacts; emotions have been excoriating.  Physical pain has been burning and exhausting.

"The Lord gives, the Lord takes away.  Blessed be the Name of the Lord!"  These words attributed to the prophet Job, with their obvious meaning, I have uttered aloud repeatedly in the silence of solitude in Te Deum Hermitage. And there have been times of great grieving, of sobbing, of calling out to His Real Presence the sorrows of leave-taking and the (faithless) pressure of total unknowns going forward.

He is pruning my branches in ways I had considered in advance; but the pain of adapting and adjusting to the immediate, effective pruning has leveled me as much as physical pain can also reduce.

The son-in-law got a job elsewhere.  He, his wife, their young son will be leaving in two weeks.  The details of the job offer are such that it is more than obvious the Lord has blessed them mightily; and the son-in-law did need a job after four months of his being let go from previous employment.  In that I am praising God for the good fortune and His making clear the path for their move.

However, before this hermit agreed three years ago to move to live closer to them, the conversation took place: What happens if he gets another job?  With giving up so much from whence I came, going to a place where I knew no one and would have increased risks, I felt I needed an answer.  With my health as it is I said I could not follow them around the country; but my vulnerability, also, health-wise, makes it best that I have some contact, some support system. (Or thus, at the time, we agreed.)

The daughter assured they would remain in this area, would apply for jobs in this area.  They had lived here a year and loved it...then.  But things change, and what the Psalmist advises is so very, very true even if our hearts and minds want to think that those closest to us will not renege on promises made. 

 "Trust not in princes, trust not in men; trust only in the Lord Thy God." 

So it has come to pass that they wanted to leave the area after nearly four years, and the bulk of job applications were elsewhere.  When a finger-count of interviews were in this area, the complaint arose from the daughter, "Why is he even applying here when we want to move away?"

Regardless of all the tangibles and temporal aspects, there is NO way that I cannot view the timing, their house selling and closing, the generous conditions of the job offer--as anything less than the blessing of Divine Will.

And that leaves this Nothing Consecrated Catholic Hermit more stripped than ever in its life.  Ever.  And, in the mail came three enveloping disappointments of financial, further demise.  It nearly is too much to bear.  Nearly.

I have no idea how I will fare.  I have been trying to continue on with working on this hermitage, hoping to get it salable before I totally run out of funds or the body gives out.  There is no one I can turn to in the human race.  The bodily pain levels preclude outside employment.  I'm fortunate to be able to do an hour or two or three here and there--but not when the weather shifts, causing worse pain.

I turn to His Living Word.  This morning's first Mass reading from Isaiah offers these truths--impactful, powerful, hopeful, intriguing:

"Remember not the events of the past,
the things of long ago consider not,
see, I am doing something new!
Now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?"

I turn to His Real Presence, the Virgin Mary, my angel Beth, those who love me from the other side.  There is no one else, no place, no remedy of the temporal or tangible, that I know of.  

This afternoon while trying to drywall mud a slanted ceiling, a sloppy glop of mud fell into an opened right eye.  The blinding PAIN!  The painful BURNING!  Tears helped some. By the grace of God I remembered a bottle of water within reach, for the only other water source was down the ladder and into the kitchen (no stairs, yet).   The eye will heal, the effects of drywall mud will wash out over time.  Already I can see a blurry view from it, thankfully so.

It reminds me of Jesus our Lord mixing His spittle with dirt and dabbing it onto the blind man's eyes.  Is He doing likewise with me?  Will I henceforth see more clearly the path ahead, the outer and inner, my soul and the souls of others, His Divine Will, God's Face?

The electrical power here was out for several hours.  But thanks be to God, it has returned before darkness and night's dropping temps.  This is a hermit's desert life: the silence of solitude, the sacrifice of praise amidst a plenitude of penance.  

Lent is progressing for this hermit who definitely did not need to write out any self-conjured plans ahead of time.  There is more than enough present moment penance.  God procures the best and perfect shake-down and take-down, dust to dust, ashes to ashes!

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Little children, let us love God above all things and one another as our selves. God bless Lent!