Christian Mystic, a Hermit: Pentecost Morning - Annihilation

 (I don't even remember such events any more, other than when I read what I wrote some time later and have some recall.  Life continues on, and thoughts and suffering and situations so many that unusual occurrences spiritually come and go, as well, and blend with the entirety of being brought through this endless corridor, this passageway which is life, and through the mystic portal into God Himself. But the following is something that occurred on Pentecost a year ago, and one that I'll post in a day or two is more a discussion of "mystic annihilation.")

The Holy Spirit descends upon the Virgin Mary and the Apostles on Pentecost.

 

I wrote to Dr. McGinn again.  I know temporally and out of respect I should not.  He is busy and there is nothing others can really do for mystics when they get to a point of passing through the mystic portal, out of the temporal other than bodily remain very temporal.  The pain lets one know, and the bodily effort and energy to manage pain plus also to be for others what is going to take energy to relate, mostly listen, and learn not to discuss one's own life for it is incomprehensible to others.  

All the more this is true once passed through.  One must be firm with oneself, and yet there is still need or so it seems, to try to make contact.  I suppose this is how it is with those who pass over from this temporal life in their physical deaths; they still want to try to reach out to those in the temporal, those loved ones or those whom God has them, through the Holy Spirit--the Spirit of God Himself--to reach out to those on earth. It all takes energy.

So I reached out from this perspective upon waking, of the immensity of the annihilation involved when passed through the mystic portal. I'm in a phase that must be like those who have physically died but have not quite adapted fully to having crossed the think veil between temporal life and the mystical life that stretches on in various levels and degrees.  But I have not physically crossed through the mystic portal, obviously.

I guess I figure Dr. McGinn is maybe the only one on earth who knows in broad scholarship, writing, and theology of Christian mysticism.  Perhaps he would connect with what I am trying to share or express this Pentecost morning, when I know I've passed through the mystic portal but not fully aware nor adapted, and wanting someone to know the immense annihilation!

Annihilation this is! Annihilation it takes, is required, when one passes through the mystic portal while yet temporally in body, alive on earth but dead in all other respects as far as understanding or connectedness by others--real connectedness.  It is going to be one-sided, of which I must not attempt to really answer what is going on in my life, but to be fully other-relating, which is of course loving and as God wills, for that is how God always is with us.  

We cannot fathom God nor know him, not really, and yet He still gives himself to us, listening to our lives, being in relationship with us despite our not grasping His Life other than in external ways mostly, of what we externally know of God as Jesus.  We still cannot grasp Jesus' feelings, God's feelings, His experience of annihilation and of total sacrifice for us human beings.

This is what I emailed.  I must learn to not try to reach out to him; he probably already considers me with skepticism although I know he does try to refrain from judging others' "mystical graces" as he calls them.  But I must learn to write my thoughts and experiences and feelings on this blog without emailing or trying to explain to others, no mater how much they have written and grasp of much of the lives of Christian mystics and the attributes.  Theirs is from a scholarly dissection and summation of traits, types of mystical experiences and ways of mystics' lives as they are lived and share commonalities in certain categories. All this information direly helpful, of course!  

I suppose in future I can pretend I'm writing to Dr. McGinn; but actually, who understands mystics better than God--or better, the Trinity all Three?  So I need to write to the Godhead, the Trinity and not bother Dr. McGinn although I'm sure he uses the delete button judiciously so.

It is Pentecost, and the Holy Spirit is taking me through the Mystic Portal.

It is total annihilation of self, of all personhood and purpose in the temporal Church and otherwise in the temporal existence except what energy I may have for listening and mostly not commenting of what is others temporal view of life, God, daily trials, careers, etc.

There can be much written about mystics, but there is no way to capture the immolation of which some, such as myself, are called.

There may be what others call mystical "graces" or "gifts", but these graces/gifts require a responsibility, something that God wants and needs the mystic to do or react in some way

involving the temporal and/or spiritual realms.  Even in bilocation, there are needs that God wants the mystic to react and do even if awareness of situations of strangers in other countries or even time periods, to pray if not to "do" something in mediation and intervention "actively"' yet in mystical ways.

So it is not "fun", per se.  The life is one of immense suffering at all levels, depending upon the extent of the extreme aspect to which a mystic is created, asked, called by God of which it must be in full agreement, full offering, no matter the suffering involved of which when the mystic fully gives out of immense love of God and of being able to "see" or be "shown" the great need of humanity and God's desiring of the mystic to serve, to be an immolation of His will and love--the mystic does not even realize what the suffering will entail.  That comes later and is pervasive including dying to relationships temporal, dying to utilization in the temporal church, dying to one's very self in all aspects to the point that physical death is far easier and joyfully glorious. (I know, I died and God sent me back to rear my children and fulfill my mission--His mission for me.)

For those such as Hildegarde (wonderful mentor of living as bride of Christ and the temporal aspects of her life not the dour and external austerity of other religious), she had a mission including being utilized by the temporal church, who wanted her insights and prophetic voice even in her lifetime.

I'm assuming there are others, more prevalent, whose lives included such sufferings of annihilation as to be as dead while yet alive.

This is like being buried alive, this annihilation, and there is no means in scholarship to capture the reality of the suffering involved.  The more that is given (in mystical "graces") the more that is expected of the mystic.  And God's purview is not at all as man's view.

Total annihilation comes with the passing through the mystic portal.  No one knows what to expect or how it is to exist in this manner, for not even what one writes is deemed acceptable nor utilizable in the temporal.  I suppose there are no words, and no connection can be, in any actuality, of a mystic passed through yet still bodily in the temporal for the tremendous physical and other pain lets the mystic know every moment that it is yet bodily temporal--no connection of understanding by others, and thus no real acceptability other than the energy it takes for a mystic to play the part of always being the one to relate with those temporal when and if they make contact and have needs and wants.  The more the mystic is also a victim soul, the needs and wants others might have of the person they do not perceive at all as a mystic, are few due to the mystic's sufferings being such that cannot produce, even if the mystic at times pushes the body beyond human limits--which also then stands out as odd to others.

The longing for God is all the greater, thus.  Solus Deus.

Pentecost.  The Spirit of God present in our temporal existences.  Thank God. 

But total annihilation of self and all connection of any real, substantive or essence of knowing or understanding of the mystic is not.  It is all one-way in which the mystic must

with energy needed to return to temporal relating when others want or need. 

This is how it is for souls on the other side to have to use so much energy, need so much energy, to whirr down to temporal energy much lower than on the other side, in order to manifest such as in corporeal vision and speak as in locutions to humans.  I literally could "hear" the whirring sound of a soul on the other side of whom I'd asked a question in the night, who in the morning then kindly or perhaps God asked of it to manifest to me and tell me a message I needed in response to my impudent question.  That soul was John of the Cross, and he told me "You are self-righteous."  I had been impudently asking my late spiritual da many questions, and he grew weary with me and  said why don't you ask John of the Cross yourself?  I was thrilled with what John of the Cross said.

But it is exhausting for them, so I asked them all to please no go to the trouble as I knew how much energy it physically, in physics, for these souls/beings to manifest from their high level of light and thought and beingness to whirr down to our gross level.  I said I would try to be more sensitive and aware, to pick up their messages and lessons and whatever is asked of me for God, without their needing to manifest visually and aurally or in touch or other sensory ways.  

So more annihilation.  Annihilation at all levels.  Only great love that comes from God to the soul and the soul then has that great love to desire to agree to anything at all the Beloved asks of it, to love back with God's love, to love back to His Real Presence.  But this is all in human terms:  annihilation.

[first name: nothing, henceforth]

Catholic Hermit: Refocus; New Spiritual Father

Met and shared, discussed, prayed, with new spiritual director, a hermit-priest, a couple days ago.

My late, dearest spiritual da, a priest of over 72 years in holy orders, passed over ten months ago.  However, the new spiritual father, the hermit-priest, also felt the spiritual da's presence and blessing upon our new relationship and venture into wherever and whatever His Real Presence guides and leads.

I've never been around anyone as deeply, genuinely, joyful as this hermit-priest. The Holy Spirit arranged all this--from the instantaneous response of the parish priest three or so weeks ago, saying he immediately had a spiritual director in mind for me, when I broached the subject and asked.

The new spiritual father and I discussed many things.  It was a meeting of not only minds but of spirits, and as temporal time will tell, of souls.  My, I'd love to be given that grace of spiritual joy that emanates from this hermit-priest!  But I have refocusing to do, and some effort in disentangling from temporal distractions.  

I did ask about my being a consecrated Catholic hermit, privately professed.  Went over the process of discernment 21 years ago, the formation by my late spiritual da as well as 11 months as proficient and novice with a now-defunct community of hermits (each in our own locale, but undergoing united formation as guided by a hermit who was overseen by a diocese vicar general and with advice from a Carthusian at Parkminster.

That briefly explained, I spoke of my profession of the three evangelical counsels and of the forming of additional vows, and the private ceremony at the altar in the convent chapel.  The ceremony, the service, was fashioned after one described in The Ancrene Riwle but modified, updated, and for a twenty-first century Catholic hermit, in keeping with what the Church today asks of her hermits [See §920, 921 in The Catechism of the Catholic Church.]

My specific question of the hermit-priest, the new spiritual director, was to clarify if he determined I should speak with the diocese bishop or needed to consider the 1983 CL603 for hermits who desire to be a diocesan hermit, of which the bishop receives the profession of the evangelical counsels and if desired, an additional personally written vow.  (I had asked this question of my parish priest a week ago, and have written his response in a previous blog post--which was essentially no, do not do that, it would hinder and complicate; his term was "shackle".  But that was his sense or take, and call the hermit-priest whose phone number I was given.)

The hermit-priest, after listening to what had been my privately professed counsels and vow, over 19 years ago, and the discernment and formation beginning nearly 21 years ago, surprised me with what he said.  Why would I want to interfere with how the Lord had blessed and was my vocation thus far--and repeated that he sees much movement now, and all being opened up for me.  He said "For you the CL603 and canonical approval would be baggage.  Drop the thought of that; it is heavy baggage."  Continue on.

We also discussed the historical and traditional path of hermits over the centuries.  He laughed with that spiritual joy, when we spoke of the centuries of hermit saints who were never approved by other than God Himself, but quietly lived their hidden lives in silence of solitude, praise of God and praying for souls and salvation of the world.  And he laughed again with the truth stated as to many of them canonized saints: "One can't do much better than that!"

I mentioned that I'd spent some time the day prior, as I do on occasion, perusing and reading about various hermits out there--Catholic privately professed and publicly professed, not professed, and hermits of other religions living and deceased.  He wondered why, and suggested not necessary--but I said I want to be, of course, right with the Church in whatever ways, and I am inspired by some I read about and also learn what I'd like to avoid in others.  Of the living hermits, we are all in process.

I mentioned yet another CL 603 hermit who I discovered (one with post-graduate degree but retired, divorced, a parent and grandparent of adult child and grandchildren, living a life hidden and prayerful).  Inspiring to me.   And there is the marvelous CL603 hermit in UK who had to relocate to be near medical facilities and downscale to an apartment, no longer rural but living her vocation admirably, all the same.  (No update, but she had been in the process to see if the bishop of her new diocese would accept her CL603 status.)

I then mentioned that in my desire to be right with whatever the Church wishes, that I also had experienced over 11 years of a CL603 hermit who has seemed irked by my being a consecrated Catholic hermit, privately professed, and has yet again recently written on blog post (as has been done off and on for several years) that I am a fraud, and now a new designation as "counterfeit hermit."  Yes, I want to be right with the Church, although I'd think the Church would state in the institutes and other writings, if only now publicly professed hermits are to be, and not state it as stated, and has been of her hermits for centuries.

Of this sharing of this situation, the hermit-priest said, "This is negative.  This  something you must stay away from, drop it.  The devil is involved; it's a distraction.  God is always greater than the devil."  He noted with me that God will bring those He wills to read what I write, regardless.  And again, emphasized that God has power over the devil. 

(To be clear, no names nor locale was mentioned regarding the person, and no one insinuating that the CL603 hermit was the devil; by no means--but that the devil is involved in that situation, and for me to never look back to it.  Stay clear.  Move forward.  God is guiding, leading, and much positive movement, opening up, for me. We had also discussed a CL603 hermit he knows, who has striven in the vocation but with a different desire, that of having others join; and while that diocese hermit's wish and dream has not transpired and will not due to advanced years, that is not for me, either.)  

There was no judgment yay or nay regarding CL603 hermits in general.  In fact, perhaps in another century or two, the Church will have decided by then that all hermits must be diocese hermits, with the profession of the three evangelical counsels publicly professed into the hands of a diocese bishop.  It does not mean CL603 is wrong or not advised for all those discerning hermit vocation; but it is not necessary unless the Lord desires and wills for the individual person, and perhaps for that person's needs and betterment, or by a holy need of a bishop and diocese.

The new spiritual director then shared with me his own process, which surprised him as he thought his bishop would have wanted or required more formal procedure in his becoming a hermit.  Rather, it was informal and simply a blessing, there and then--no more vows, no liturgy, no prayer.  A simple blessing by the Bishop, sign of the cross--the bishop and priest only; done.  More joyful laughter from the new spiritual father, as he again said the canonical is baggage for you.  Why pick up baggage?  "You have had your hermit vocation blessed by a priest years ago."

[And I want to add here, also, that not every priest would or should bless a hermit's vocation.  The eremitic life is one that needs to be discerned over time, a practice time period of the life entered into, even as I have done, a testing of the Spirit if uncertain.  I did share this with the hermit-priest, of my then bishop and spiritual director for a time, about a decade ago, eager to canonically approve me, but as with me, wanting something small, discreet, private in nature.  However, he got so involved and busy with his retirement fetes and activities, that he apologized that he did not have the time to do it!  The hermit-priest and I laughed at the irony, in many ways; and I said that a sense of relief came over me, and I felt literally "spared."]  

[The other time I had faced that dilemma of CL603, was when in the community of hermits, and the prioress saying it was time to approach my diocese; instead I discovered that she did not even have the statutes developed, and in the meantime I was shown that this prioress did not have herself on good footing; I removed myself due to the pride coming the surface and the lack of her "having the ducks in order."  In my speaking with her Vicar General, he, too, said it was a tenuous situation. Indeed, two years later I learned that she'd gone off the deep end, and what could have been a well-developed community of hermits and a good concept, was ended by her diocese, now two decades ago. ]

Well, enough on that. I have made myself clear.  My spiritual da of 24 years (other than the year of the late bishop!], and this new hermit-priest spiritual director, and my confessor on top of past confessors, also have made themselves clear.  In His alter Christus', the Lord has made Himself clear, as He has with me in several locutions and a couple visions:  I am a consecrated Catholic hermit as of the privately professed, traditional, historical hermits.  I am to not question nor be distracted by, nor entertain adding on or taking a sideways step of what is unnecessary for me, and not for my eremitic vocation in my life, or the life of the Church.

And what I have written, in the time spent with the new spiritual director, the hermit-priest, was actually quite brief.  Just seems that in my finale on the topic, it is as well to express fully, in completion, what is otherwise, stated and told for me:  shackles and baggage.  As to the person whose soul I do love and of course pray for, my pain will continue to pray 24/7 across the stratosphere, but I fare thee well and bid thee adieu.  Have been directed by confessor and now the new spiritual father, the hermit-priest, to stay clear, remove myself from the negative, let God deal with that person and situation.

What the hermit-priest discussed more and mostly, is the Divine Will, the Divine Presence, the Eucharist, the Mass, his purpose and mission in praying for priests, his meditations in Scripture and in also reading and pondering a book he told me about.  Written not long ago by an extant but anonymous Benedictine priest (somewhere in the United States), published in 2007, In Sinu Jesu, reflects the messages from Jesus and the Virgin Mary to this priest/monk during his time praying before the Tabernacle.  Now shared with anyone in the world who desires to read the book (available on Amazon and other sites), given an imprimatur, just this morning the new spiritual father sent me a text of a selection quoted from In Sinu Jesus, along with a portion of Psalm 44.

Yes, my new spiritual father is focusing me on what matters, and where I am to progress from where I've been.  He's been definite on what to turn away from; and the Lord certainly gave me added choices to make, one small and one large, in the past few days.  I am asked to make choices, to discern and decide upon one path over another, one by one as they can enter into our daily lives be we hermits, priests, lay persons in married or single vocations, adults or children.

My text to the spiritual father seemed so banal and temporal, yes, compared to the focusing he was doing.  Praying the Office of Reading this morning while struggling to manage an excruciating spinal headache, I realized my path of suffering and accepting pain--not complaining, mind you--is the correct choice in that regard.  Peace returned after the research the other day which I somehow felt I owed in making the choice and to share with Dr. H. that my path is the Lord Jesus Christ, that I will find Him in my pain, and that pain is not the enemy.  

Rather, I look forward to the gift of joy and of on-going peace within, and of (as I mentioned to the hermit-priest the other day) my desire to come to union with God, and if He wills in my life time, to help others desire, be inspired, and come to union with God as well.  I also desire to strive in the eremitic vocation to the hermit ideal, to a purity of hermit life--even though I have wandered and waffled about.  Yet the Lord always brings me back, strips me, hones me, cuts the chaff from the grain in temporal matters, relationships, choices, and now even in return to lectio divina and whatever writing.

As to the parting direction from the Spiritual Father, the hermit-priest, he said to remain fully open to, and to surrender fully to the Divine Will, for he senses much movement and great opening up for me, in what and how the Lord is leading me.  He said yes, he senses very much the writing is important for me to continue, and that it can be something beneficial even more so after my death. 

(Whether that will be the case, I'm sure will depend on my docility and surrender to His Real Presence and in what I write--inspired by the Trinity or drivel of waffling in the temporal. However, the hermit-priest said that writing honestly, including my pitfalls and flaws, and then the process of the Lord picking me up and my continuing on, no matter how many falls, is good to share.  My sense of it, though, from praying on it and noticing other signals God presents in temporal ways, is that a deep stilling of my mind, heart, and soul is needed.  Stay clear of distractions, the negative immediately and alway, the ones that I've gotten into habit of that help me distract from pain--wean from those as soon and feasibly can.)

Then, the finale of my meeting with the new spiritual director, the hermit-priest.  He emphasized to receive the peace that Christ has for me.  Yes!  Then came most beautiful, spiritual, joy-filled prayer uttered forth from the uplifting hermit-priest, so blessed and glorious in praise and thanksgiving!  God provides beyond what we mortals can possibly anticipate!

This morning's Psalm reading at Mass, from Psalm 56, contains Living Word that supports and sustains, sums the present moment in my nothingness to Christ's ALL.  The Lord does speak to us in Scripture!

"My wanderings You have counted;
my tears are stored in Your flask;
are they not recorded in Your book?
Then do my enemies turn back, 
[my distractions, vices, negatives, evil] 
when I call upon You.
Now I know that God is with me.
In God, in Whose promise I glory,
in God I trust without fear;
what can flesh do against me?
I am bound, O God, by vows to You;
Your thank offerings I will fulfill.
For You have rescued me from death,
my feet, too, from stumbling;
that I may walk before God
in the light of the living."

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Thank You, Lord, for all the blessings and goodness given to all of us, and especially my gratitude for the direction and guidance from the hermit-priest spiritual director you've provided.  Thank you, dearest spiritual Da, who blessed me and the hermit-priest as we sensed your presence with us, blessing us, even though we could not see you standing by us.  The hermit-priest and I each felt you standing between and slightly behind us--to his left and to my right-- blessing this alliance from your place in glory.

Catholic Hermit: Finishing the Race

Been in yet another excruciating pain siege.  The usual phases occurred, replete with black outs, nightmares, inability to get up; then the day of emotions and temptation to great discouragement which signals a turning point, as the progression to being able to get up and get going.  Yesterday, the sense of fainting left, late morning.  The back was still quite sickening with radiating pain, but the electrician was here, and what an encouragement to have the electrical tasks finished.

He is a good soul, and I marvel at how we made connection nearly five years ago.  He has been a gift from God, truly.  In fact, I am astounded by all the miraculous interventions and assistances the Lord has provided in this process of trying to finish the renovation of this old farm house, to get myself out of what I got into without realizing the pitfalls prior.

Jean Patrick has cleared a day out of his work and classes schedule, to come help on Memorial Day, Monday.  The young lad has not been here for a week, and it is best he not come after school as he is too tired and I cannot keep up the pace given that I tried to do interior manual labor as well as exterior in order to have something ready that he was willing and able to do (with my always needing to work with him).  He is simply too young in whatever ways, and too weak, to do the tasks I need help with--mostly yard work.  It is easy enough to shovel bark mulch off the truck and into wheelbarrow, and to then spread it; but even at that he was slow and weary at his tasks, with my becoming weary just in trying to keep him motivated to hustle a bit, put some energy behind it.

Obviously, he liked the idea of having a job and earning a very good hourly wage, but the work itself, and working--not so much.  When he is older, he will learn more about work ethic; I tried to train him even to shovel a full scoop and to fill the wheelbarrow rather than leave it at one-third full.  But the next time he came, he was back to the lesser way, the weaker way, the more time-consuming way.

I have considered St. Paul's words regarding running the race.  It is true that we first must consciously be in the race, to live our lives as fully as possible, revering God and the life He has given us.  While we are in the race, we may or may not be running it.  And as to winning the race, most of us hope and pray to simply finish the race.  

I'm dragging to the finish line--or I should say "toward" the finish line.

Sometimes I wonder if this race is what God truly wants me to have participated in.  And then I consider that it is not the type of race that matters, but the way in which we approach and live out the various "races" in our temporal-spiritual existences.  When we can sprint or distance run, all well and good.  When we must walk, fine.  When we must crawl, we crawl; and when we fall or faint, we drag ourselves or are dragged  or picked up and lugged over the finish line.

If we collapse in the race, even then we are carried off.  There is still a forward effort, a finishing of the race even if we did not finish it in the way the others did or do.  There is still a conclusion of sorts.  And then there is a forward movement after, whether we are physically dead or alive.  There is always an unfolding for us--always and ever more.

Increasingly, I have been pondering the purpose, and asking the Lord to remind me of my mission which of course is of God, of His will, His love.  The means of union with God do include as our training, the efforts and situations we have in this world, notably with others even if as a hermit, not so much physically with others.  One may be spiritually with others as much as in the temporal as with those on the other side of the temporal, of this earth, of flesh and bone, time, matter, earthly existence.

Today's efforts include countering the earth's elements.  In my little spot, we've not had noticeable rain in a month.  I must today get started in hooking up the hose to soaker hoses, some of which need mending and replacing near trees and plants after having been moved in the weeding and mulch-spreading process.  And today's race, or lap of the race, includes limping with this body.  While over the worst of this recent pain siege, the body pushed yesterday, which is part of running a race.  We tend to push ourselves onward, praying all the while for the stamina and will to add extra impetus to the forward-propelling motion while very much aware of the wisdom and reality, the truth, that we remain in actuality in present moments.

Finishing this particular hermitage completion race is a ways off.  And there are always more races to run: metaphorically, actually, temporally, spiritually.  I'm recognizing that the most important race, the race of our souls throughout life eternal, is not going to have a finish line, not really.  Eternity continuously and continually unfolds.  The hoped-for and desired progression is toward union with God, but do we end or finish when we have been blessed with attaining this union, or are there yet more degrees of union, or further events and gradations of union?

Does love (of which God is love), have a finish line?  

While in the temporal or finite aspects of life's "races", there are types of finish lines, and the effect we may have of finishing a race and many races, there is always more.  Participating in the race and finishing the race varies yet are each a necessary part of living temporally and spiritually.

When we finish one aspect regardless if seemingly temporal more than spiritual, or more spiritual than temporal, there is another, and then another.  Love metamorphoses as do our souls which desire and pray to remain in Christ's love.  Love seems to be the key to running and finishing.

I must now rise and see about some very hot green tea to try to help clear the spinal headache that other medications have not quite tamed to a functioning point.  Yet love will be my focus in today's race of more manual labor, prayer, and each with Christ love as spiritual infusion.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: The Lord Gives and Takes Away

Praised be the Name of the Lord!

Mercy, the right hand, particularly the thumb down to its base, is acutely painful. The Lord knows what finishing work inside and gardening work outside yet remains.  But the thumb that had a drill whip injury and periodic flare ups the past two years is now needing correction, it seems.  That right hand and the recent back pain siege has been an excellent way for the Lord to remind me of total dependence upon His will in all things.

Ran into temporal hassles trying to get into primary care doctors and Nurse practitioners.  But the pain motivated me, along with the thought from my angel via Holy Spirit, to do an online search for a hand orthopedist.  Found one with good reviews and amazingly with a number for new patients!  Did not need a referral from general practitioner and am going to be seen in a week if not cancellation sooner.  A drill whip injury is quite painful, the thumb laid back with force.  I hoped to avoid surgery but in the silence of solitude and enforced mattress rest for nearly three weeks, I realized I will not be able to use my right hand for much now or in future if not repaired.

The Lord gave me a specialist and not long to wait for some relief.

Yesterday I had quite the nudge to call for an appointment to get the laptop repaired.  Tracking pad has not worked well for awhile, and I thought the warranty up in early December.  But I called due to the nudge within to do so.  Turns out the warranty was up yesterday so was told to go as a walk in customer and wait.  May the Lord be praised!  I do not mind waiting; I've been waiting for Jesus to come for me for some time....  The laptop is out for a week, they think, and I could not have afforded the repair had I called today.  The Lord gives even if He takes temporarily, some tangible tool.

The use of the right hand is taken away for the most part.  When I do use it minimally, the Lord allows pain as the consequence.  I will attempt using the pneumatic Brad nailer to install baseboards upstairs, knowing that I will have increased pain.  When it becomes too much, I will stop.  And I must not complain for the consequences.  The Lord is providing help, on its way sooner than I could have hoped!  I will not push the hand beyond prudence, but I will put it to a small test.

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.

In reading chapter five of Book Two of The Collected Works of John of the Cross, the gist is that of our letting go of attachment not only in the more temporal senses but to also let go of attachment of the interior senses, of the supernatural aspects of mind, heart and soul.  One is to allow blindness in knowledge, intellect, and understanding, for example, and to let go of attempts to figure out any visions and locutions.  We are to rest in darkness, passively, and allow the Lord full reign over our totality of being.  He will then introduce faith--that faith that passes all understanding and ushers our souls into union with God.

The Lord gives, thus, when attachments are taken away.  When our attempts to see are taken, blindness is given.  This type of blindness is good.  Blind faith is what God desires, yet it occurs by His grace and of taking our supernatural attachments and giving us divine union--that we then see as God sees, fully united within His will.

I hope and pray that is the path I'm on.  I have no idea, but I hope and pray that He takes whatever attachments and gives blind faith at some point.  Am very weary, and passivity is a welcome position.

The Lord decides.  The Lord wills and bequeaths the giving and the taking away.

With whatever we are, love God.

Catholic Hermit: Holy Communion; Intentions

I've been thinking, yet, about the aspect of which I wrote a couple or so posts back.  It had to do with Holy Communion, and that I realized, rather surprisingly, honestly, that I cannot say I "miss" not receiving the consecrated Host.

This does not mean I do not believe in Holy Communion, the Eucharist, His Real Presence in the consecrated Host.

It has to do with having the experiences of union with Christ in other aspects, through the mystical ecstasy, and of being united with His Real Presence in a way rather indescribably, yet very real.

Ever since those experiences, I have not "missed" nor "yearned" (as I used to yearn) for the Eucharist in a more visceral and tangible way.  There is a very deep bond within, and His Real Presence is "present".  

He is with me, within me, embracing and filling me with His Love.  This occurs even if I am gnarly with suffering, tempted to despair, or out of it with the amount of pain the body is experiencing and the mind and emotions are trying to endure.  That "real presence" of His Real Presence has been even if I have not that frequently consciously noticed or acknowledged, for we do tend to our daily, temporal responsibilities including whatever distractions go along with our daily lives.

But, not "missing" the tangible consecrated Host is quite different than not appreciating or having benefit from, or not being thankful for the Eucharist.

Prior to the mystical experiences, when I'd be ill with suffering and unable to be at Mass, I would yearn for the Eucharist.  And I mean truly, to the full extent of that word "yearn", that I yearned for Christ present in the consecrated Host.

But after experiencing the union with Christ that is so powerful as to suspend my temporal faculties, to not experience any bodily pain when in that state, the bond would be so strong with Christ, that something evidently altered within my mind, heart, and soul.  I cannot explain exactly how.  I cannot explain why.  Nor do I know if it will be this way from here on out while I am on earth, although I suspect so just as my mind, heart, and soul altered when I had the death experience between back surgeries, 30 years ago this past July.  

I suspect the union with Christ during Mass also altered something in my body in some way or other, but I don't know what, other than it was an actual, physical alteration that counters scientific "rules" of normal, or typical, bodily aspects--and all outside the bounds of any human control or possibility of inducing by self or by others.

Yet, I do not miss nor yearn for the ecstasies, either.  In fact, I'd rather not experience them, for what occurred within, within the soul and psyche and heart, has made its indelible mark.  Nothing can erase that mark, that consecration, if you will, that experience of union with God even if lasting only the duration of the Holy Mass, in my case.

Regardless, I know that when I am given the tangible, consecrated Host--the Eucharist--when the couple from the parish are able to come, that the Eucharist does strengthen my body, mind, heart, and spirit in ways I cannot fathom or describe, either.  Just as His Real Presence in us and us in Him in the solitude within, day and night, strengthens us indescribably and in faith.  We are united with one another in the Body of Christ.  We are sustained by His Real Presence in myriad facets.

Here, with the thumb doing amazingly better this morning (I suspect someone's prayer has helped, and God has granted a marvelous improvement that is rather dramatic), I am still unable to rise and do much physically due to the overall suffering going on in the body: physical pain and fatigue from that pain.  I am fairly certain since He reached in night before last with a spiritual dream--out of the blue, as is said--that the continuing time of needing to be at rest is of His will, to bring me back to His will in my thoughts and receptivity spiritually.

So it is that this morning I also saw quite clearly how important are our intentions.  And we cannot even fully judge our own intentions, for we usually want them to be good, and we consider them to be good intentions even if deep down, hidden from our shuttered inward gaze, we think they are good.

They  might be good, or they might not be so purely good as God would will of us.  For that judgment, God is the One Who knows for sure.  

I am praying that He open the shutters of my soul so that I can see my intentions--if I can handle the pain of seeing them--and thus I might be able to at least be honest with myself.  To change my cloudy intentions, mixed with not-so-pure or not-so-good flecks, is possible but only by God's help.  There again, my intentions might be very good that I can change my not-so-good intentions once I see them as such; but to actually purify my intentions takes God's action through the Holy Spirit.

That action would not be so possible if my intentions are not good--if I do not will to have good intentions.

I consider St. Paul who was viciously trying to kill off as many Christians as possible, for he considered it to be a travesty against God from Paul's strong Jewish faith perspective.  Yet there obviously was something good in Paul's intention--misdirected and misguided thought it be--for God saw within Paul's soul and knew the man was doing wrong due to misunderstanding and twisted perception.  Even when trying to rid out Christians, Paul was doing so thinking he was honoring God by preserving Judaism as he was convinced Jesus was not the Messiah.

Anyway, I saw an article about Jeffrey Dahmer, the serial killer; and I thought about a spiritual friend's husband who is very controlling to a point of being emotionally and in some ways mentally ill in how he thrives on manipulating, bullying, and controlling his wife.  And I realize that if the psychological ills of a Dahmer or a bully are stripped away, as God can see through and in the depths of any darkness with His Light, the intentions of the persons might not be so heinously bad.

We just don't know.  Ultimately we have their actions--the bad fruit of their ill psyches--to contend with, just as we have our own thoughts and actions to contend with in any given present moment or accumulated over time.  I can consider the man who a week ago tomorrow morning took 26 human lives out of this world and then his own.  If all the mental illness and hate and his choosing to turn from God are stripped away, what is in that soul of his?

God knows, and surely we all will know fully and purely, without any self-deception or psychological blockage or illness, when we have our judgment when we, too, die from life in this world.

In the meantime, I'm seeing the great need to pray for and strive to seek to see my own intentions, and to be given the graces necessary to altar any intentions that are not good, and to pray for God to perfect my intentions to goodness and to His glory, yet while I am in my body.  It is myself who causes any hindrances to more pure intentions, even if I cannot see the cause or the hindrances.

And I also see the great need to not judge other people's intentions, for in so many cases, we see the bad fruit that falls, or even the bruises on the fruit that clouds and even obscures seeing within minds, hearts, and especially souls.  And this goes for ourselves, as well.

I'm not suggesting that people, including ourselves, should not face consequences for our actions; but a pure heart, mind, and soul is hard to come by in this life, in anyone.  Might not even be possible, given our human condition and that we are so capable of even tiny missteps and our propensity to not be able to clearly see and judge our own intentions.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit Amidst Suffering

Not sure why, but the low back has kicked up a fuss.  Pain radiating through intestines; just trying to manage pain, recalling last year's ambulance ride to ER.  Yes, pain med I-V toned it down, but I don't need that drama repeated.

So, I am mostly on the mattress, now moved from the small room to the living room (which now has floors leveled and new hardwood installed, of which I enjoyed the process and effort with grateful results).  Was able to pick strawberries this morning, green beans, squash.  Set them on roadside stand and all is gone but some of the zucchini.  

Perhaps the bending to pick berries and beans did not help the low back; but it surely stretched out some muscles which is always a benefit.  And my mind was far off in praying about not sure who or what, but at the present moment it was all quite clear and lovely within, with the Lord and life and soul.

Yesterday was able to leverage off the truck, one of the two double-door closet unit, with frame.  While leaning on tailgate, I then had to take off all shipping brackets holding the frame with the two doors intact.  Next, I removed the hinges from the doors and a piece of wood across the bottom, also holding the doors and frame in place. That done, I could lift each door, one at a time, from the frame and lean them against some other doors in the pole barn.  The door jam frame itself I was able to carry into the hermitage.  Getting it upstairs to the near-finished room for the closet will have to come another day and perhaps with someone else helping to make sure I do not gouge the stairwell walls.

This evening I forced the body to go out and leverage off the second and last closet door unit.  I admit I feel quite ill from the effort, but there is moisture in the mornings; the doors are not solid wood.  Best to be under cover other than the cardboard I had over them in the truck bed.

Am back into spiritual reading somewhat, amidst suffering.  I probably pray more about it than do it--do the reading.  But today's reading of introductory comments to another section of St. John of the Cross' writings in itself felt good.  Yes, it simply felt very good to read about what I will next read about in what the saint is going to instruct.  The sections have to do with ridding out attachments--attachments to things and aspects of the physical, of the senses, and attachments in the spiritual elements.  We humans, of course, are both sensory and spiritual beings.

I read the writings of John of the Cross a decade or more ago.  That is, I read through most, but for whatever reason stopped prior to finishing--drawn off by some other spiritual book or writings of another mystic saint or hermit.  I'm finding that now, in this present moment, there will be far more meaning in what John writes and advises; for I've had far more experiences in these years--more "death therapy" as I call it.

Perhaps it is quite blessed that I've had increased pain bouts lately, of the type that nail me to the cross.  I'm at the point in which I am crying out to the Lord to have mercy on my soul.  And I'm reaching for the spiritual writing that will help me endure in the unknowing of how long, how painful, how on  earth of anything here!  I continue with the daily Mass readings of Scripture.  The Living Word is powerful--but I also admit I return to the Scriptures, particularly the Gospel, off and on in the day to remind me.

Painful suffering does tend to make short term memory not hang on to much.  I suppose it is as well, for each time I re-read some portion of Scripture or even review some of what I've read in John of the Cross, the mind is absorbing in the present moment.  In fact, it is no doubt best that way--to live and think and read and do and feel and love God and others in the present moment--not in the past nor the future.

Yet I'm utilizing thoughts of the past to remind myself that usually the pain sieges lessen, and I am able to return to the manual labor and exterior upkeep required here to progress in order to sell and be out from under the financial dearth.  The lender of the short term loan would like to be repaid sooner than later with the latest being spring.  My bodily pain is not making it happen sooner; and it could be that the present moment will not allow completion.

Faith is like that--not knowing other than in some deep and blindly hidden way we know God is with us, God will take care of us, God loves us.  And the taking care of us--that is what trips us up often enough if we have expectations of what we think we need or how He should provide.  

That is one aspect that John of the Cross repeats about the spiritual path to union with God.  God takes us along the path and takes us to Himself, and He does so with whatever means such as many trials and sufferings that we must pass through, endure if we can to some degree or other, and on to the sweet release of finding ourselves in His love fully and completely.

All I know is that I'm on the journey; and this is what God needs for my perfection--or what John of the Cross prefers in terminology rather than spiritual perfection: union with God.

Catholic Hermit: Deeper Conversions

Of course, this extended period of physical suffering includes--and perhaps has predominant impetus in--deeper spiritual conversions.

These periods of immense suffering include the accompanying storms and darkness.  The body, mind, heart, and soul are put through the grinder, so to speak.  Or, to stick with weather metaphor--all aspects of body, mind, heart, and soul are buffeted by howling winds, pounded by torrential rains, drought-ridden by desert dryness, immobilized and frozen in icy avalanches.

This period of time here, for my body, mind, heart, and soul--seems as if not weathering this storm.  Yet, it most certainly must be or I'd not be writing about it.

Last evening, when realizing I have no means to do manual labor, and at a deeper sense no work to be done in any active or acceptable, tangible, capacity in the temporal Catholic Church--and facing the unknowing of when or if the body would be "doing" much again, at all--an email came.  It is one that I have received the past three years, asking for some St. Bernard Love of God Bourbon Balls.

I realized the Lord was reaching in, saying, "You can do this.  I will let you be able to make these over which you pray and pour love into the efforts."  

Making these small and simple confections are usually without obstacles--nothing like other work efforts or interactions with the temporal world that become marathons of perseverance and endurance.  Other than if the printer is ornery if more labels are needed, the process is something that my body can manage if I make them in phases.  It is so very painful for me to stand in one spot for more than five minutes or even less.  And that is the case even when the back pain is at more manageable levels.

There is nothing else in my life right now that I can actually "do" and have satisfactory completion.  I am still persevering with kitchen and bathroom cabinets, so those rooms cannot be finished until there is resolution with the store and cabinet company representative.  There is nothing else--no other area of life that can be engaged to complete something.

Even all the garden harvest that I processed and froze is ruined.  Somehow, the cord came loose from the outlet when a couple weeks ago--surely must have been then--I struggled with each awkward and heavy bathroom base cabinet, having to get them in from the pole barn to the house.  Yesterday, when I finally was able to walk the short distance to the pole barn, needing a container of frozen food, I discovered all in the freezers had long-since thawed.  There is no meat involved, but the hermit's winter and spring food supply is all but gone.

Can't even empty it out--body not able.

As for what is going on spiritually in this deeper conversion, I've written it to Fr. V. in Nigeria and to a long-time friend, not Catholic, but who reads without comment, and prays.  Fr. V. is unlikely to respond with comment other than to remind to pray and remain in Christ's love.  Yet, it serves a purpose to express the depths of thoughts, insights, and conclusions when the storms are ravaging the outer and inner earth of our beings.

I am considering on a deeper level such great and successfully spiritual souls as Bruno the Carthusian, John of the Cross, and Joseph Benedict LeBre.  Their times of deeper conversions give great insight into those called to a different type of temporal life, a deeper call to live in the spiritual realm while their bodies existed in the temporal world.  Even with John of the Cross, his mind, heart, and soul went to another "place" although living amidst his fellow Carmelite religious brothers.  

He wrote his great insights and poetry more toward the beginning of his adult life as a consecrated religious and priest.  In the very few years between his imprisonment and torture by his fellow priests and monks and his final years of persecution again by his fellow religious, John had brief cohesion of active life utilization of his body, mind, heart, and spirit as spiritual director to Teresa of Avila's religious sisters in the several foundations she made of reformed Carmelites.

Bruno had more temporal Catholic world utilization at the beginning of his priesthood but extending some years when he was priest and professor in Cologne, Germany.  His departure from the temporal Catholic world was a decisive separation although previously had been an agreed-upon goal between himself and five or six friends--some of them priests.  They had resolved to leave that world and seek union in God without the temporal distractions and the laws of minds that can cause all kinds of obstacles to the "climb up the holy mountain.".  

And leave they did, and up the highest mountain they could find in the farthest reaches of the French Alps. Bruno was only called back to the temporal Catholic world once after that, by a pope.  He assisted for a short time although the pope wanted him to remain longer in his service.  But Bruno left for another foundation of similarly-minded men (again, some of them priests and others not) that later became also a monastery known as part of the Carthusian order.  Bruno died there.  

He did not formally "found" the order himself.  No, he simply (but I am sure with many dyings to self along the way) lived the ideals and in the way he thought was most helpful in climbing the holy mountain, to live spiritually the Christian ideal for achieving Divine Union and living the law of God.  He did not write down any laws of mind; he lived in whatever way he sensed could be successful in the repeated deeper conversions which would reach the spiritual summit.

Joseph Benedict LeBre sought entrance to numerous religious orders.  He was allowed entrance into several, often with much reservation on the parts of abbots and priors.  He never lasted long; they were concerned about what they perceived as his potential to be ill, and a couple superiors sent him on his way due to his becoming ill.  In other monastic attempts, he was considered to be at cross-ends with the goals and efforts of the monks themselves. Joseph's focused and desirous seeking of the spiritual realm and of God did not fit in.  Out he went.

Joseph had his mind, heart, and soul set on the spiritual heights.  Yes, he was crushed repeatedly when sent away from the various religious houses.  But that led him to a time of deeper conversion in which he realized he was called to live the life of a "pilgrim."  He determined to follow Jesus directly, without the ways and means or laws of minds involved in religious orders or other designated vocations.  He wandered for a couple of years or so in France before sensing within a strong calling to walk to Rome.  

Joseph LeBre wandered, walked, lived, and prayed as Jesus did in His life ministry.  He never encountered his family again.  Even in Rome, he lived as a pilgrim--not taking upon himself label of hermit or religious solitary or anything other vocational title.  Today he would be likened to a hobo or a homeless person; in Rome, those who noticed him at first considered him a filthy vagrant.  He died in the odor of sanctity, on a street, although a priest convinced him to live in his rectory for awhile, living there along with a few other homeless men the priest took in--worn out and ill from their ages, poverty, and harsh living conditions.

These three examples, have roosted in my mind this past day, as they have off and on for several years.  As such, these three souls (on earth known as saintly men) assist me in the deeper conversion occurring.  Such conversions are unlikely to provide much progress or success if the body is not incapacitated from all activity and distractions.  Thus, while difficult to be rid of current temporal distractions due to the pain and the mind's concerns about how will the work progress in this hermitage, how will I be able to do the heavier work once the family leaves the area--a prolonged, incapacitating pain siege allows for that self-concern mindset to pass.

Then the eye of the storm occurs in which the temporal worries and questions and thoughts of even past persecutions or whatever else, are stilled and silenced.  That is when His Real Presence shines the light on the deeper conversion and upon the decisions and acceptances that are to be made if one is willing.  If not, there will be yet more storms and then eyes of the storms with their opportunities for deeper conversions.

The three men have been in the beam of Christ's light in this day of the eye of this storm.  Even though the body could get up and move about a bit more, the pain is enough to remand: lay low, be still.  And, there is now the recognition of the storm's purpose, the pain siege's "inner eye."  The mind and heart want to pursue the deepening and to be given, in the soul's "eye," the insights and courage required to venture forth and through the other side of this storm.

These three men's life examples of following Jesus in His life and teachings and in the law of God, are with me as companions--as storm chasers, I guess we could say.  We don't need to fall victim to storms but rather to see them as they are--natural events brought and allowed by God--and to enter into them knowing that in the storm's eye are the deeper conversions of greater Christ-clarity, of spiritual progression, and hold the graces we carry with us when we pass through them.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Little children, let us love God above all things and love one another as ourselves!

Catholic Hermit: God's Law

Romans 13:8-12 provides all this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit needs in the next phase of spiritual growth, spiritual life, interior movement (and exterior) in climbing the stairway to Heaven.  These words of the Living Word of God pare to the simple...and the simply profound truth!

"Brothers and sisters:
Owe nothing to anyone, except to love one another;
for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law.

"The commandments, 
'You shall not commit adultery;
you shall not kill;
you shall not steal;
you shall not covet,'
and whatever other commandment there may be,
are summed up in this saying, namely,
'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.'
Love does no evil to the neighbor;
hence, love is the fulfillment of the law."

I emboldened the words that I shall carry with me today.  Am back in civilization, having been called back to help with the situation requiring loving effort and teamwork in time of others' need.

Remember the fulfillment of the law.  Love others.  Love is the fulfillment of the law.

Perfection in love!  All else can be determined, ruled, enacted under this fulfillment of God's law.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Little children, let us LOVE!  God Is Love!  Remain in His Love!

Catholic Hermit Shares Some Lights from Pseudo-Macarius and -Dionysius

In preface, an explanation of the construct of Pseudo-Macarius' intent of the word perfect Christian:

Macarius is not using the world perfect Christian to mean that such have become confirmed in grace and no longer need to be attentive to the sinful roots within them.  It means that such have advanced through long years of asceticism and inner attentiveness to the evil within and live more habitually in the contemplative union with the indwelling Trinity, a state that is always in process of greater growth, that encourages a hunger all the more to enter into the spiritual combat and never yield to sloth."

Now, to share what resonates with this Catholic hermit of Macarius' spiritual insights, gifted soul that he was circa 5th century and throughout the centuries vis a vis his homilies.

"Perfect Christians, who are considered worthy to reach a degree of perfection and to come close to the King, are continually dedicated to the cross of Christ.  Just like the anointing in the times of the prophets was considered absolutely a most precious thing, since kings and prophets were anointed, so also now spiritual persons, who are anointed with a heavenly anointing, become Christians by grace, so that they too become kings and prophets of heavenly mysteries.  Indeed, these are the sons and lords and gods, bound and held captive, plunged deeply, crucified and consecrated.  

"For the anointing with oil, a thing which came from a material plant, a visible tree, had so great a power that those who were anointed obtained a dignity beyond questioning (for ti was decreed that they were thus made kings).  Davide was anointed and immediately was exposed to persecutions and afflictions, and after the seventh year was he made king.

"How much more do all who have been anointed in mind and the interior man with the sanctifying and joy-giving, heavenly and spiritual 'oil of gladness' (Heb 1:9), receive the sign of that kingdom of imperishable and eternal power, namely 'the pledge of the Spirit.' (2 Cor 5:5), the Holy Spirit and the Paraclete?  Understand by the Paraclete, the one who consoles and pours out joy upon all who are heavily burdened."

Turning to the writings of Dionysius, this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit can grasp why the writings of this holy and sanctified man, also circa 5th c., influenced St. John of the Cross.  Dionysius was inspired to introduce the three ways of the spiritual life.  While his triad is termed the purification, the illumination, and the perfected, John of the Cross did not verge far in labeling the three ways of spiritual progression the purgative, the intuitive, and the unitive.

But Dionysius writes extensively of hierarchies, taking us from the temporal and tangible profoundly into the spiritual and mystical.  He casts out into the deep; he climbs the stairway to heaven and takes the reader with him, if they so wish to stretch their hearts and minds to what he is trying to impart.  

One wonders if Macarius and Dionysius had access to one or the others writings in their time period on earth.  For Dionysius writes of the threefold division of every hierarchy of God's creation:  inanimate, plants, animals, humans, celestial, and the sacred Godhead.  He explains further.

"...in our sacred tradition every hierarchy is divided in three.  There are the most reverend sacraments.  There are those, inspired by God, who understand and purvey them.  And there are those who are sacredly initiated into these.

"Now the most holy hierarchy among the beings of heaven possesses the native sacramental power of a most completely immaterial conception of God and of things divine.  It is their lot to be as like God and as imitative of God as is possible. These first beings around God lead others and with their light guide them toward this sacred perfection.  To the sacred orders farther down the scale they generously bestow, in proportion to their capacity, the knowledge of the workings of God, knowledge forever made available as a gift to themselves by that divinity which is absolute perfection and which is the source of wisdom for the divinely intelligent beings.  The ranks coming in succession to these premier beings are sacredly lifted up by their mediation to enlightenment in the sacred workings of the divinity. They form the orders of initiates and they are named as such.

"In succession to this heavenly and transcendent hierarchy the divinity extends its most sacred gifts into our domain and, in the words of Scripture, it deals with us as though we were 'babes.'  It bestowed on us in the hierarchy of the Law.  It veiled truth with obscure imagery. It employed the palest copies of originals.  It resorted to dense enigmas and to symbolism whose meaning is discerned with the maximum difficulty.  To avoid harm it granted only as much light as suited the weak eyes looking up to it. In this hierarchy of the Law the 'sacrament' consisted of an uplifting to worship in spirit...."

Dionysius continues on, explaining each level of spirit, of souls, and of their work and efforts in the divine power of the process of lifting up to God, of initiating the initiates with what they can understand, and then the next level of souls illuminating them (as they were illuminated and lifted up, as well, by God's grace and light), and then the sacred souls strive to perfect the illuminated, drawing them up likewise to sanctification, to become sacred, to union with the Divine.

This is enough to ponder, here.  Let our hearts and minds and souls consider these insights, and be open to whatever understanding and light the Holy Spirit wishes to impart in us.  At least let us realize that we are called to rise beyond the point of initiation, beyond the level of purification, and onto being illuminated, and then pray for the grace and sheer love and desire of God to be drawn up into that amount of perfection of which Macarius also writes and explains, so that His Real Presence, the Trinity, will make His abode in us, filling us with His will and divinity.

This may be too sublime for us to continue to attempt verbal description.  So this nothing Catholic hermit will cease attempting to express what these bright light souls of earlier centuries--enlightened and perfected Christians--can teach us of what the Holy Spirit has taught them of the loving and divine ascent...through Him, with Him, in Him forever.