Catholic Consecrated Hermit, Christian, Mystic, and Victim Soul: Update

 

I've not been writing much at all on this site for a year or more.  It's been a very difficult year with health trials following a total knee replacement a year ago June 20--a surgery that failed.  My left knee is constantly in pain, is large, hardened from fibrotic tissue that grew erratically beginning actually during the surgery. 

Now I continue the oil and wraps and heat packs, the PT, for the knee is always going to be a sad and sorry state of added suffering that should never have occurred but for the only explanation I located that was not due to the surgeon or his PA mucking up--was that possibly the Arachnoiditis caused oxidative stress on the cells during surgery, which I read can the oxidative stress can cause the collagen cells to grow erratically and rapidly thus the thick layer of impervious collagen tissue--and a painfully stiff, hardened knee that causes permanent disability in walking, bending the knee and coping with enough pain of its own that would need pain med.  

Aside from the failed knee replacement, I'd been so fatigued that the month prior (May), I'd gone to an internal med doctor who did blood tests and found my thyroid had gone kaput.  I was put on medication that replicates what the thyroid used to produce, and began to feel a little better but not at all back to normal (factoring in the Arachnoiditis pain and being 72).  

What was going on behind the scenes of my thyroid and knee replacement was not found until the following November. However, I kept alerting the internal med doctor, a young man whose only interest was in getting transferred to lead an Alzheimer's clinic, that my blood tests showed other alarming results.  He poo-poo'd my concerns and what the blood tests were alerting him, but that is how it can be in the life of one cursed, oppressed by the devil, and a victim soul.

By late summer and fall I was failing--knew it myself but thought the Arachnoidiits was progressing and that this was how it was to be--a bodily decline and increasing fatigued and knew something had to be not right--as bad as the blood tests seemed in at least three of the areas of blood issues.  By mid-November I had a particularly terrible week.  Prior had lots of intestinal troubles but tests okay for colon.  Ended up hospitalized after other trips to ER for intestinal issues.  Kidneys had gone into failure.  Was having allergic reaction since the previous May or before--the indications were in the blood tests that the internal med dr. ignored or was ignorant as they are for when someone is have an extreme reaction.  

Off Meloxicam for rest of life after being on it for 37 years.  But, thankfully the kidneys turned around from kidney diet and no more of that med which pain patients are given despite that very side effect plus liver issues.  Lost health and declined, though. Damage but the filtration rate is up again.  Then still not well and blood tests had still the other bad indictors, so had bone marrow biopsy.  Looked like a blood cancer but was a similar reading but is a precursor so will be rechecked periodically. Also found I have a bad anemia condition that my body does not absorb or store iron. So that's a problem; I take iron supplements. Fatigued, terribly. 

Mostly in bed as a result of pain and fatigue, and the pain doctor replaced extended release meds with non-extended so am veritably a pain yo-yo now--with meds taking awhile to help, then wane after three hours of marginal help; if I forget to now-seeming short time span which happens when doing mental distractions as pain management, the pain can get out of control and take even longer to get pain contained.  Just how it goes--this Christian Catholic Mystic Hermit's life as a Victim Soul of the Sacred Heart of Jesus!  Love to suffer, and suffer to love--words spoken to me from a mystical experience 20 years ago this end of July--has me renewing my quest to fully understand and cooperate with the beautiful, spiritual meaning of what St. Michael pronounced to me, Christ's "victim of love and suffering".  

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: Stricter Separation from the World

With many other thoughts I've shared since beginning my personal review of what I as a consecrated Catholic Hermit am to be doing and "being", I now turn to the section 920 in The Catechism under the general heading of "Consecrated Life of the Church," specifically "The Eremitic Life."  

Having given some thoughts on the first few phrases in 920--although not at all exhaustive (insights come with passage of time lived as a Catholic hermit)--I'm turning to the phrase following "hermits devote their life to the praise of God and the salvation of the world":  through a stricter separation from the world....

The singular word "stricter" continues to be an operative aspect for me in my hermit vocation of now over 20 years since I began the discernment process which included experiencing in practicum aspects of what the Church outlines and asks of her hermits.  Separation from the world, for a hermit, brings up many decisions to be made between the hermit and God.  

God may speak and guide the hermit in various ways.  For me, over the years, God has guided and continues to guide my hermit life through His Living Word, His voice in locutions and dreams, through the Blessed Virgin Mary and my guardian angel, through the lives of saintly hermits as well as those who wrote of the hermit vocation through the centuries.  

God guides me through His priests, particularly and predominantly one over the years but also through a bishop and monsignor for a more brief time period.  God also guides me through life various life circumstances and experiences requiring the discerning of His will and way forward--sometimes God's "Yes, that way" or His "No, not that, not for you, My hermit." 

All these avenues of God's guidance inform a Catholic hermit as to what aspects, in the various phases and situations in the hermit's life, separate him- or herself from the world.  While hermits' backgrounds in life are unique and individual to each, and there are considerations to be made accordingly, once entered into the consecrated eremitic vocation, the hermit life in earnest begins. 

To most hermits and their human directors and spiritual friends--even those few others who might know that the person is a consecrated Catholic hermit--the ways in which a hermit ought separate from the world are fairly obvious.  The categories are both external separations and interior ones.

External separations from the world could include a hermit's work, if must work for financial sustenance and not receiving retirement, disability, or savings income.  Through prayer and discernment, a hermit who must work determines what type of job will provide the least amount of involvement in the world that will provide the basic, simple necessities for the hermit's sustenance.  

I don't plan on going through all the options, but my point is that this type of discernment becomes an exercise of prayerful and prudent decisions of the hermit, and informed by God and those directing the hermit's vocation.  It should be obvious that a hermit would choose employment that keeps the person as much in the silence of solitude and hidden from the eyes of men, plus in stricter separation from the world.  Separation from the world means the temporal world which can include those "worlds" within the world, and in any mode or place in which the person must noticeably interact verbally and noticeably with people and processes.  

So the hermit who must work to earn money to live a basic life and be self-sufficient, must discern what is it to be separated from the world in the form of "stricter"--which is an evolving process.  Such positions as quasi-leader or assistant in a public venue be it hospital, parish/diocese administrator, college or school teacher, employee of an active business would not be obvious choices.  Unless as custodian or some work that provides as is stated clearly--a stricter separation from the world--the hermit would naturally seek more appropriate means of income.   

Work in the hermitage or work in which the hermit can quietly and in more hidden mode complete the tasks opens a wide range of possibilities.  In discerning jobs that provide income, working at tasks which may be completed mostly--depending on the position--in silence and relative solitude, are numerous and fulfill another fundamental quality and consideration in a hermit's life.  Usually such jobs are humble ones.  All the better, a hermit might conclude.

Work to generate needed income is one such example of the discernment and decision-making that a consecrated Catholic hermit must make.  Others include the interior aspects of interests and hobbies, of activities such as radio, television, and computer.  What of these links to the world will a hermit have and of what type and how much interaction with the world will a hermit ultimately engage?

This example helps with the operative word "stricter" that I, as a consecrated Catholic hermit, can and must discern and determine.  "Stricter" is a moving, evolving aspect that each hermit must ponder, and "stricter" allows for gradation of more separation as the hermit grows and evolves in his or her individual vocation--all the while keeping in mind and heart that we consecrated Catholic hermits--whether publicly or privately professed--are united in the vocation. 

Stricter separation from the world in an interior sense is all that which keeps a hermit's mind, heart, and soul from being drawn away into the distractions of the world.  The need for stricter separation allows the consecrated Catholic hermit to ascend the spiritual ladder, uplifting with the hermit those with the hermit in the consecrated life of the Church, all in the Body of Christ.  This ascension to God may occur in part through the hermit's devoted life in the  praise of God and the salvation of the world, with a spiritually unimpeded hermit in whatever ways and essences God wills, desires, and allows.

The more we can adhere to each aspect of hermit vocation be it explicitly or implicitly laid out for us in the Church's institutes or in the lives of exemplary, saintly hermits of tradition, the more we uplift one another and the hermit vocation in a way that builds up the Body of Christ, exalts the Church, and lives out in a supernal reality our devotion to the praise of God and the salvation of the world. 

In each hermit adhering to a stricter separation from the world, we are better able to fulfill the aspects of our vocation and what God wills of us as stated in the beautifully-worded section on Eremitic Life, 921, in The Catechism of the Catholic Church.

"921  They manifest to everyone the interior aspect of the mystery of the Church, that is, personal intimacy with Christ.  Hidden from the eyes of men, the life of the hermit is a silent preaching of the Lord, to whom he has surrendered his life simply because he is everything to him.  Here is a particular call to find in the desert, in the thick of spiritual battle, the glory of the Crucified One."

Here, I must include the above selection because what is stated helps inform me and other consecrated Catholic hermits as to why we must separate ourselves from the world--plus gives us description within the words as to how and from what we must separate ourselves.  Yet due to the "stricter" upon which I am personally now examining, the Church is not unrealistic with us, as we are human and in process even within our vocations.  We are hermits in a continuum of formation, so to speak, of advancing to the heights of ultimately finding "the glory of the Crucified One." 

We as consecrated Catholic hermits, live as one in Christ and in the Body of Christ.  Thus through our lives being a silent preaching of the Lord, in our total surrender of our lives so that Christ is our all, we live "in the desert"--in silence of solitude, our specific call, our unique vocation, despite spiritual trials.

Stricter separation from the world rather than, such as, strict separation from the world, allows us to evolve in the loving mercy of Christ and in His Church's eremitic vocation.  The word "stricter," though, involves subjectivity; what is stricter to one is lenient to another.  Thus, tremendous honesty in self-examination and in not self-justification or self-deception.  The human body, mind, and emotions struggle against what is more the challenge, what requires greater effort in the spiritual ascent.  

That is why it is well to know in truth and faith the graces given through the eremitic vocation, being and living and doing all that the Church sets forth in the hermit life within the consecrated life of the Church.  God will bring about, hone in us hermits, the progression, strength, the holy means to do and be hermits as He wills--increasingly so, degree by incremental degrees-- as long as we remain faithful to Him, to His Church, to the explicit and implicit form of the consecrated and Catholic, hermit life.

I pray this makes any sense to you readers.  So much of a hermit's vocation, of course, is inherent in the truthfulness and honesty of a hermit's soul, in knowing oneself and seeing oneself clearly.  We must make sure--not deceive ourselves--that we have a holy, experienced priest or bishop (or a holy bishop's delegate) as our spiritual director who is well-versed and "strict-er" in what it means to live out all aspects--what it is to do and be--as a consecrated Catholic hermit.

What is stricter to one may be not stricter at all to another.  Personally, I am currently undergoing yet another transition or turning point in my vocation as a consecrated eremitic.  This shift to more "-er" in the "stricter" occurs periodically in the nearly 20 years of living this vocation (nearly 19 years since the profession of the evangelical counsels and making my vows in private ceremony with my spiritual father, then a holy priest for 54 years.  

God has all along tightened if not heightened in my hermit life, the aspects of which the Church not only suggests and purports but asks--of her consecrated hermits--beyond the required profession of and adherence to the counsels of poverty, obedience, and chastity.  I pray that in this current, personal transition, for all the grace needed to live to the fullness of what the Lord desires and wills of me, at this point of my on-going, eremitic and mystical, Christian journey.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: Stricter Separation

With many other thoughts I've shared since beginning my personal review of what I as a consecrated Catholic Hermit am to be doing and "being", I now turn to the section 920 in The Catechism under the general heading of "Consecrated Life of the Church," specifically "The Eremitic Life."  

Having given some thoughts on the first few phrases in 920--although not at all exhaustive (insights come with passage of time lived as a Catholic hermit)--I'm turning to the phrase following "hermits devote their life to the praise of God and the salvation of the world":  through a stricter separation from the world....

The singular word "stricter" continues to be an operative aspect for me in my hermit vocation of now over 20 years since I began the discernment process which included experiencing in practicum aspects of what the Church outlines and asks of her hermits.  Separation from the world, for a hermit, brings up many decisions to be made between the hermit and God.  

God may speak and guide the hermit in various ways.  For me, over the years, God has guided and continues to guide my hermit life through His Living Word, His voice in locutions and dreams, through my guardian angel, through the lives of saintly hermits as well as those who wrote of the hermit vocation through the centuries.  God also guides me through His priests, particularly and predominantly one over the years but also through a bishop and monsignor for a more brief time period.  

All these avenues of God's guidance inform a Catholic hermit as to what aspects one must, in the various phases of the hermit's life, separate him- or herself from the world.  To most hermits and their human directors and spiritual friends--even those few others who might know that the person is a consecrated Catholic hermit--the ways in which a hermit ought separate from the world are fairly obvious.  The categories are both external separations and interior ones.

External separations from the world could include a hermit's work, if must work for financial sustenance and not receiving retirement, disability, or savings income.  Through prayer and discernment, a hermit who must work determines what type of job will provide the least amount of involvement in the world that will provide the basic, simple necessities for the hermit's sustenance.  

I don't plan on going through all the options, but my point is that this type of discernment becomes an exercise of prayerful and prudent decisions of the hermit, and informed by God and those directing the hermit's vocation.  It should be obvious that a hermit would choose employment that keeps the person as much in the silence of solitude and hidden from the eyes of men, plus in stricter separation from the world.  Separation from the world means the temporal world which can include those "worlds" within the world, and in any mode or place in which the person must noticeably interact verbally and noticeably with people and processes.  

So the hermit who must work to earn money to live a basic life and be self-sufficient, must discern what is it to be separated from the world in the form of "stricter"--which is an evolving process.  Such positions as quasi-leader or assistant in a public venue be it hospital chaplain or parish/diocese administrator would be unlikely choices, the same as being a school teacher or employee of a financial institution unless as custodian or some work that provides as is stated clearly--a stricter separation from the world.  

Work in the hermitage or work in which the hermit can quietly and in more hidden mode complete the tasks open a wide range of possibilities.  Even working in a factory assembly line, despite being around others, such tasks can be completed mostly--depending on the position--in silence, which is another fundamental quality and consideration in a hermit's life.

Work to generate needed income is one such example of the discernment and decision-making a consecrated Catholic hermit must make.  Others include the interior aspects of interests and hobbies, of activities such as radio, television, and computer.  What of these links to the world will a hermit have and of what type and how much interaction with the world will a hermit ultimately engage?

This example helps with the operative word "stricter" that I, as a consecrated Catholic hermit, can and must discern and determine.  "Stricter" is a moving, evolving aspect that each hermit must ponder, and "stricter" allows for gradation of more separation as the hermit grows and evolves in his or her individual vocation--all the while keeping in mind and heart that we consecrated Catholic hermits--whether publicly or privately professed--are united in the vocation.  

The more we can adhere to each aspect of hermit vocation be it explicitly or implicitly laid out for us in the Church's institutes or in the lives of exemplary, saintly hermits of tradition, the more we uplift one another and the hermit vocation in a way that builds up the Body of Christ, exalts the Church, and lives out in a supernal reality our devotion to the praise of God and the salvation of the world. 

In each hermit adhering to a stricter separation from the world, we are better able to fulfill the aspects of our vocation and what God wills of us as stated in the beautifully-worded section on Eremitic Life, 921, in The Catechism of the Catholic Church.

"921  They manifest to everyone the interior aspect of the mystery of the Church, that is, personal intimacy with Christ.  Hidden from the eyes of men, the life of the hermit is a silent preaching of the Lord, to whom he has surrendered his life simply because he is everything to him.  Here is a particular call to find in the desert, in the thick of spiritual battle, the glory of the Crucified One."

Here, I must include the above selection because what is stated helps inform my and other consecrated Catholic hermits as to why we must separate ourselves from the world--plus gives us description within the words as to how and from what we must separate ourselves.  Yet due to the "stricter" upon which I am personally now examining, the Church is not unrealistic with us, as we are human and in process even within our vocations.  We are hermits in a continuum of formation, so to speak, of advancing to the heights of ultimately finding "the glory of the Crucified One." 

We as consecrated Catholic hermits, live as one in Christ and in the Body of Christ.  Thus through our lives being a silent preaching of the Lord, in our total surrender of our lives so that Christ is our all, we live "in the desert"--in silence of solitude, our specific call, our unique vocation, despite spiritual trials.

Stricter separation from the world rather than, such as, strict separation from the world, allows us to evolve in the loving mercy of Christ and in His Church's eremitic vocation.  The word "stricter," though, involves subjectivity; what is stricter to one is lenient to another.  Thus, tremendous honesty in self-examination and in not self-justification or self-deception.  The human body, mind, and emotions struggle against what is more the challenge, what requires greater effort in the spiritual ascent.  

That is why it is well to know in truth and faith the graces given through the eremitic vocation, being and living and doing all that the Church sets forth in the hermit life within the consecrated life of the Church.  God will bring about, hone in us hermits, the progression, strength, the holy means to do and be hermits as He wills--increasingly so, degree by incremental degrees-- as long as we remain faithful to Him, to His Church, to the explicit and implicit form of the consecrated and Catholic, hermit life.

I pray this makes any sense to you readers.  So much of a hermit's vocation, of course, is inherent in the truthfulness and honesty of a hermit's soul, in knowing oneself and seeing oneself clearly.  We must make sure--not deceive ourselves--that we have a holy, experienced priest or bishop (or a holy bishop's delegate) as our spiritual director who is well-versed and "strict-er" in what it means to live out all aspects--what it is to do and be--as a consecrated Catholic hermit.  

Catholic Hermit: More on Cheerful Giver

Being a consecrated Catholic hermit, very much currently incapacitated physically, I considered in what ways I was or was not living out the Scripture mentioned in a recent post.  I cited 2 Cor 9: 6-10 and wrote from the consideration of giving, serving, doing for others in an active way.

Today I realized that some of us, particularly consecrated Catholic hermits whose major life "work" is that of prayer for the world, for souls, and praise of God, would live out that Scripture more from perspective of spiritual works of mercy, not corporal, or active.

So let us consider this delightful Scripture and reflect upon if we are living it through our work of prayer and praise.

Brothers and sisters:
Whoever [prays] sows sparingly will also reap sparingly,
and whoever [prays] bountifully will also reap bountifully.
Each must [pray] do as already determined, without sadness or compulsion,
for God loves a cheerful [prayer] giver.
Moreover, God is able to make every grace abundant for you,
so that in all [prayers, praying, praising] things, always having all you need,
you may have an abundance for every good [prayer, praise] work.
As it is written:

"He scatters abroad, he gives to the poor;
his righteousness endures forever."

The one who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food
will supply and multiply your seed
and increase the harvest of your righteousness.
~ 2 Cor 9:6-10

I inserted "pray," praying," "praise" to assist in shifting our minds from the active aspects of doing active works of charity and giving, to that of all forms of prayer, or even, a sense of "being" with someone in silence or inactive companionship.

In this exercise, of sorts, in this shift of thought to prayer and praise, I can readily pinpoint times in which I am not a cheerful giver, or in which I pray sparingly given the hours in the day and night. That is, in the times that I avail myself to His Real Presence with the "already determined" conscious decision to pray and praise.  

Prayer and praise can be verbal, mental, contemplative/illuminative, and unitive--that form of what some consider the farthest levels or degrees of contemplative prayer in which the body, mind, heart, and soul are enrapt in union with the Trinity, His Real Presence:  Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

So it is in prayer and praise, that the Lord loves a cheerful pray-er and praiser.  Can we note and recall times and situations in which it was more difficult to pray for a stranger than for a friend, or more challenging to pray for an enemy than for a friend, or ones we love?  The same question may be asked when it comes to praise.  Are we as enthusiastic and even do we think to praise God as readily for a stranger than a friend, or for an enemy as we do for a loved one?

I must admit that when I consider this delightful Scripture and apply it to my life of prayer and praise, I am more readily convicted of times in which I have failed to be a cheerful pray-er and praiser.  Plus, I know I pray sparingly, not generously, in various instances and times in my life--even throughout the day and night.  I could pray and praise more generously, for sure!  And especially this goes for praising God!  Communicating with God in intercessions and guidance for self and others, friends and strangers, occurs more readily by far than for me to be in the loving and invaluable practice of praising God in my communicating with Him regarding friends, strangers, loved ones, enemies, and a variety of situations and circumstances.

The woman who brings me Holy Communion each week has shared with me a situation on-going with her parents, lasting over four decades.  It is serious and hurtful.  She admits she has difficulty praying the prayers we have been praying for her dad, as he is the one rather snared by the devil.  Yet she knows she ought pray with more desire or affinity.  I have reminded her that the Lord knows and understands this struggle; but now I have this Scripture to reference, as a reminder to me and any other with whom the topic may arise.  It is important for us to pray cheerfully for beloved and enemies alike.

And, what is so important to realize with the additional truths of this particular passage, is that if we are having trouble finding the desire to pray and praise generously, willingly, cheerfully--then we may simply ask God to provide us with the grace.  He will provide abundantly for every grace we need to pray and praise.  The Holy Spirit, in particular, will provide the words whether articulated or silent or of which we are praying unaware.  Love will flow into our prayers and praises, for the Lord will supply and multiply the "seed" needed for our praying and praising.

As for myself, it has been a temptation when in pain or weary with pain, or when medication has me drowsy, to distract with some type of background noise or visual.  This is understandable, of course, but it is not better and definitely not best.  In this sense, I am not availing myself of prayer and praise, unless I somehow do so with intention, and determined in advance, that the interweaving of some topic or image can be prayer and praise as well as to lull me to the other side of on-going post-surgical pain.  

Also, however, I'm sure the Lord with His abundant graces can accommodate whatever distractions might be helpful, but I also am sure that I can offer the time He is giving me to rest and to heal and to manage pain, to pray and praise more generously, and with conscious cheerfulness and even spiritual joy!  

There is so much to consider and to reflect upon in this particular Scripture passage, now that we see to apply it to our lives not only in our active efforts of serving God and others, but in our spiritual, prayerful, praising efforts for God and others.  I'm only at the surface of the prayer and praise aspects, only at the surface of examining some of my past praying and praising--if it was generous or not generous, cheerful or not cheerful.  I'm only at the surface of realizing to apply myself more fervently and lovingly, and to make sure to ask for God's graces when I struggle with prayer and praise depending upon if someone close or a stranger, or someone beloved or an enemy.

So much to attend to now!  Even tonight if I find some lulling music or lovely, real-life type program to help me doze, I can practice praying and praising "without compulsion" for the real-life situations and swaths of people in the real world who are represented with their problems and concerns depicted in such dramatizations.

Yet I also can turn to His Real Presence in prayer and praise for the grace be given in abundance, to avail myself to the many prayers and praises I can offer.  I can practice no matter the level of my own pain, in generosity and cheerfulness to whatever degree the Lord bestows.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: Survived Surgery

I'm nearly two weeks post-op from what I'm told was "extensive spinal surgery."  

I went in that late morning with a pain siege headache, so the pre-op people put an iv in and pain meds to tone down the headache.  They did not want me going into the operation with that much pain already.  

I was unaware, but after surgery there was a problem.  I would stop breathing with every breath or nearly so.  I'm not sure as it didn't bother me!  Other than at first when aware, I know I was quite surprised that I had not died this time.  I cannot say it to most, but I had been hoping and rather excitedly looking forward to the Lord taking me with Him, this time around.

But no, there was nothing during surgery.  No glorious encounter with God, no unforgettable thought-flashing with the Almighty.  There was nothingness, and then off and on eyes open in recovery.  I had no notion of time.  I do recalls them telling me to keep my eyes open, to breathe.  Then they got me up once--oh, I remember as was horrifically painful.  No brace I realize now; just up as they tried to get me to not just exhale, but to take the next breath.

I remember some nurse telling me--must have been toward the end of the recovery in which I found out later was in ICU Recovery--that my daughter was terribly upset, shaken.

I remember at some point her being in there, also trying to get me to breathe, to keep my eyes open, to even talk if I could--for when one talks, there is breath. I remember wanting them to leave me alone so I could just drift off, as I was tremendously tired and pained.

Toward the end of that episode, they were putting some mask on me and hooked me up to a machine that forced air into the mouth and lungs, forcing the intake and then forcing the exhale, of oxygen.  My daughter later told me that the surgery actually went well.  She was told I'd be out of recovery in 90 minutes; they told her to go on up to my room--which she also said, had a marvelous view way up on top floor of hospital--gorgeous view.

But after a couple hours or so passed as she sat waiting in the room, she went to the floor desk and inquired.  Oh, she'll be along any time now.  So the daughter waited, and waited some more.  Every so often she'd ask again and be told I'd be up any time.  Finally, after about five or six hours, if I recall what she told me--was quite a time period--she was definitely alarmed and knew something had to be wrong.

She bypassed the floor station and went back down to the surgery floor and inquired.  That is when she found out I was in Recovery ICU having problems breathing.  I do recall one nurse or someone saying they thought I was dead, was white as white could be.  None of it phased me, I can assure you.  But they called the daughter back into the Recovery ICU where later she told me she never wants to have any surgery, for all the suffering and reality of people coming out of anesthesia; and I know my difficulty with breathing did not help, probably.

So after 7 1/2 hours in there, I was sent to the neurosurgery floor, but regrettably, I lost my room with the view.  They put me in a room close to the nurses' station, hooked up to that awful machine, where the nurses could better monitor my breathing.  The machine would make a terrible racket every time I did not breathe, which was often despite the air being forced in and then some other aspect that tried to force it out.  Whatever, I lived through it, but got no rest the first night.

They figured it had to be something to do with the anesthetic.  Actually, I was quite impressed, thinking that this was not so bad, after all; I was not feeling horrific pain.  Perhaps my years of chronic pain were an advantage?  

The surgeon increased one of the pain meds and did an instant release rather than extended release, once the anesthetic started to wear off, for then I was not feeling so pleased with being able to manage pain.  It was quite rugged, in fact.

But the instant release did not go well with me.  So I ended up with pain out of control and rather loopy.  I forget which day but think that was the second day and night.  So the nurse got the surgeon's PA to switch to the extended release of that pain med, and the next day the pain was kept under control until that night.  Then I thought it a bright idea to just take half of one of the two strong pain meds, as I figured if that did not go well, I could then take the half I had not taken.

Not in this day and age of pain med extremism!  The nurse felt so terrible; she informed me in less than an hour when I realized I did indeed need the full amount, that I could not have more until the next regular pain med time--a little over three hours hence.  So she brought muscle relaxant, as I could take that.  Did not make a dent, though.  I did not sleep until way after the next pain med time for when pain is out of control, it takes all the longer to get it back into control.

Live and learn.  For any of you facing surgery, keep in mind these details.  Take all your pain meds when given or you will not have more until the next, set time.  Don't trust yourself when a day or two or three post-op.  In fact, for me, nearing the two-week mark, I just last night had the first night that I got it all together.  I woke up with phone alarm and took the proper amount of pain meds, back to sleep, woke again with alarm, next amount of pain meds, then awake.  Pain not out of control and did not mix up which pain med to take, and did not doze back off forgetting I'd not taken the meds.

There is a lot more to this, but I also advise to not necessarily listen to hospital people calling before your surgery.  The ones who called me to go over pre and post op matters at home, totally downplayed the situation. I can't blame them. They go by the usual practices, perhaps of regular stenosis spine surgeries.  So I was told I'd not need a walker, would be able to get my own food, might not need a brace but if did would have it given in the hospital.  Same with walker, when I questioned that--was told if I need one would get one in the hospital.

I'd mentioned Home Health Care if needed.  Probably not needed, but if so, would be arranged by the hospital.  Said I would not need to go to a rehab facility.  Okay, fine.  I thought that seemed good, actually.  All that I was hearing seemed good.  (There was no mention of an ice machine/pump being sent home in which someone would need to learn how to empty and refill with fresh ice two or so times a day.)

So the day comes that the surgeon thinks fine to go home.  Due to the nights without sleep and the days then of wiping out being up once or twice with physical therapist and not having had all the occupational therapy needed, I said I really thought prudent if I stay that night and leave next morning.  But not long after in comes a surgeon's staff person who was insistent that I was going home that day, no problem.  When was my daughter coming to take me?

I said she had been working all morning so had not been able to get a hold of her.  "Well, then, you'd better start calling around and find someone to come pick you up because you are going home today!"  I tried to explain I had no one else, but there was no listening; the staff person had whisked off.  Not longer after the daughter arrived and was upset, knowing I was not ready to go home.  The son had called from afar, upset that I was going home.  However, I grasped what was going on, and the issue was that they have a routine for spine surgery patients, and I am pretty sure that they have some or many who simply fear going home at the last minute, so like a baby bird, need to be shoved out of the nest.

While that was not me--there had been no night in the hospital that I'd slept other than the last, for two hours--and I'd not had much PT due to that and the first day very little due to the not-breathing problem in Recovery ICU; and I'd not had some necessary occupational therapy.  

So when the discharge manager or someone told my daughter I needed the dressings changed the next day, and it was best done after I was showered, the daughter had to insist on Home Health Care to be set up, as I had not been taught nor worked with on shower transfer, nor had anyone to change the bandage.  The daughter was concerned even getting me home.  She had injured her elbow badly and said she'd not even be able to help lift me out of the car if need be.

But I realized we just had to go with the flow, and within I knew the Lord would take care of me.  The daughter was getting the idea, too, that there were not considerations for exceptions.  And, the surgeon's staff did not know me well enough to know that I'm not one to hang on to hospital any longer than necessary.  But, regardless, the decision was made and nothing was going to deter it.

It was rough, and if not for the daughter insisting they get a Home Health Care intake nurse here the next day as well as a shower aide to handle that, and a physical and occupational therapist to teach me what I'd not had a chance to learn or to build stamina in the hospital--I'd not have fared well here.  As it was, it has been quite the challenge.  Fortunately, the pain is such that the days and nights fade into one another.

The people at the parish who volunteer to take meals to people in my predicament, have been bringing light fare and for two, as the parish nurse said that way I'd have for the next day.  She wrote in the instructions to put items into baggies or little containers that could be brought back to bed with me using a walker.  Oh, yes, I most definitely have a walker.  It will be with me for quite some time.

And there is a brace, too, that I must have on securely any time I so much as stand up, which is not often.  The pain is far more than I or I can conclude, my pain doctor ever anticipated.  As well, though, to not anticipate such pain prior to surgery.  The pain doctor and I figured on two types of meds and one of the twice and day and the other five times a day.  The surgeon reminded me that this surgery is far more than the type of surgery we were basing the other on, and had me on the twice a day one--extended release, not the awful instant release--but on twice the dose of the other med, and that six times a day.  Thus my pain meds are running out, but the past three days I have been tapering down the one medication by 1/4 and stretching the times to five times a day, most always.  

Another unexpected occurred the evening before last.  I had been up with the walker that morning with the PT, and we walked around the living/kitchen/bedroom with her timing it.  I made it to a little over 7 minutes--a record thus far!  But it obviously was too much, for within three hours a spinal headache took hold. Since I cannot take nsaids, the crushed Super Strength Excedrin was not an option.  I suffered and suffered all that night.  

(I've had these spinal headaches since the 1987 back-to-back surgeries, and regular pain med does not help; but oddly enough, about 15 years ago someone suggested I try a BC packet--ground aspirin with caffeine, and that helps ward it off if I take it early on.)  By morning I was in excruciating head pain, although I'm pretty sure the lumbar pain was hanging in.  The shower aide came and went; she could see there was no way I could get up to do that ordeal, as sitting on a shower chair was out of the question, and trying to even get to the bathroom was questionable.  

The nurse arrives and had me call the neurosurgeon's exchange.  A surgeon called back and said yes, take one Excedrin, two at most, just to get the spinal headache to temper itself.  Indeed, it did help a little--enough for the nurse to change the dressings and to tell me the incision is looking good!  She said it is 10" long and starting to heal at the top due to a small line of scab forming!  Excellent news!  No drainage; the drain in the hospital had done its work.

So it goes.  The pain is too much to do any reading other than I still look on the laptop and read the daily Mass readings, even if they remain in the Order of the Present Moment. I've kept up some with news even though those events, including the terrible Mass shootings, tend to remain in the Order of the Present Moment.

The neighbor children, by the grace of God, come morning and night to empty the ice pump's water and put in fresh ice.  The meals come M-W-F enough for an extra day each, plus have come a bag of ice to help fill in the ice pump's space.  Otherwise they use water bottles that are frozen.  (My daughter and son-in-law the first two days got all matters here figured out, and anything at all needed that the nurse said I'd need, purchased and here, set up, before they had to leave out-of-state.  There were other people involved in the trip, who made expenditures; it would have been wrong to have cancelled on them, and again, I knew within that the Lord would provide.  He knew I had no option.  There was no way the staff person was going to diverge from the usual plan, and home I'd go.)

I do realize that probably psychologically, a person at home is more forced or motivated, to get up and walk around with the walker, or also, most of the patients have regular stenosis surgeries and not the added extensive surgery.  I am not blaming anyone, other than if there is a next time, of which I hope in God not, I will arrange in advance and insist in advance that the old hermit needs to be in a rehab facility for the first week. If I don't need that post op, I can always cancel.

I forgot to mention at one time an Episcopalian female hospital chaplain stopped by.  It was the afternoon the pain was out of control and I was loopy from the instant release med that I'll never take again.  She wanted to talk about various things, of which I of course don't remember much other than she mentioned she noticed I was Catholic.  She wanted to talk of religious matters, such as do I believe the soul is different than the spirit, or is the spirit the same as the soul?  Mercy!  Not again!  Somehow non-Catholics often enough seem to have notions about what Catholics might believe or think. I do know I took it on, and prayed for the Holy Spirit to use the words necessary. 

I recall recommending to her to read Teresa of Avila's books plus to read John of the Cross' Collected Works, plus added on Richard Knowles small but excellent volume of What Is Mysticism.  These had been fresh on my mind in some conversation with someone other, perhaps the pain doctor, or what I thought I might recommend to him since he's shown he's concerned about Catholics' beliefs.  Whatever, time passed, and I felt a tad guilty as I'd used that talking time to help distract from the out of control pain.  I am grateful to the woman, and she did seem to want to discuss, obviously.

Regardless, all this, I did not bother telling others that I am a consecrated Catholic hermit and that is why I do not have a bevy of friends who were going to stop by off and on every day, or neighbors I knew well who'd handle the ice machine, or other family members free from new job and demanding jobs to drop all and come tend me, when I had been lead to believe by hospital personnel before surgery, that it was not going to require others to help.

It just goes to show that when we say we live alone, other people have a certain notion of what that means, and it is not an actuality of living alone, such as in the silence of solitude, in the prayer and praise of God, in the espousal of vows and professing the three Evangelical Counsels, as a consecrated Catholic hermit has done nearly two decades ago.  

The Lord has provided!  The woman from the parish also brought His Real Presence in the tangible mystical form of the Host.  The daughter and family are back in the area and will be here in the morning to take this pained carcass, brace, wheelchair and whatever else, to the neurosurgery offices for me to be inspected by another PA whom I've not met yet.  

I'm getting used to the surgeon's set-up, though.  It is quite organized in a way that is not the usual, but it works for them.  There is a person to handle ever aspect from beginning to end of patient first being referred to the final appointment presumably later on.  I see the surgeon in a month. After that, I presume there might be a follow up later on, or at least a year check up since he told me--and quite honestly and realistically, as I'm finding out--that the recovery will be a year.

Since I survived surgery, I can deduce that the Lord indeed wants me to do the writing I'd thought probably the mission He wants of me, and to continue doing the suffering that is non-stop, that He asks of me and has for years of present moments.  More than ever, now, I am learning to exist in the Order of the Present Moment in a peacefulness and contentment of pain in a type of timeless suffering.

All is well!  God bless His Real Presence in us!  Pray for me that I have the stamina to walker the body from curb to inside the main reception area, where I can have a wheelchair to take me and the walker and grandson and daughter to the neurosurgery office.

I've not had any super profound insights of the other side, since I remained on this side, this time.  Yet I've noticed that the pain praying is going quite well; a good friend's spouse is in palliative care and not long for this world of suffering and strife.  He is 93 and ready for the next adventure.  Just waiting in the Order of the Present Moment with the rest of us, whether or not we realize we are in the OPM or not.  This recovery period is so slow and gradual, that I'm learning an entirely new appreciation of suffering in the Order of the Present Moment. It is quite peaceful and ethereal, even.

Worn out but all wrote out, too!  A blessing for the passage of time as is now time for the other medication, the every 12-hour one.  God bless you, dear readers!  We're all in this world, this life, together in the Body of Christ!

Catholic Hermit: Reality of More Suffering

Merciful heavens.  In effort to improve bone density, thought worth the risk to have an injection of a more recent medication (Prolia) said to have less dangerous side effects than an infusion medication.

Dealing with loads of suffering now.  Lumbar pain worse than ever; sick headache.  Am not supposed to take Excedrin due to pain doctor wanting to inject steroids in between the L-2 and L-3 on Wednesday.  I have the pain meds plus took Tylenol (of which am not to take too much as it is in pain med).  Tylenol has never helped spinal headache, so I may just have to take Excedrin or arrange a trip to an ER.

Second opinion neurosurgeon suggested as option, living with the stenosis and taking what comes--as the type of surgery I'd need could leave me with more pain.  Not that it would but could (and Mayo Clinic site's information re. this type of surgery warns of this, also).  I know how nebulous outcomes of more involved spine surgery can be, from experience.  However, if to be no surgery forthcoming, then I think as well not to have another injection of this osteo medication in 6 months.

I also have not felt positive in past nor now about trying to inject steroids between my L-2 and L-3 when I've already been told by second opinion surgeon that the vertebrae above my L-4 is totally disintegrated due to the on-going impact against the fusion and rods done years ago.  And, steroids can further disintegrate vertebrae.

Truly, doctors mean well, and we need them.  Medications have side effects and risks.  But all this seems to be causing more suffering, and I'm not sure it is actually a suffering God is allowing or is suffering such as I've written in past--a sideways cross type suffering.  These are sufferings that we bring on or comes from human endeavors or accidents--even if not intentional.

I wanted to write something of spiritual uplift, or even to share how the ecstasy during Mass was getting me excited that maybe the phenomenon is starting to go away.  But it could be just a fluke thing; but I'm hopeful it might be departing, for that will mean I am progressing out of long phase of this temporal aspect of mystical--still temporal, still rather binding, if you grasp what I mean.  Mystical phenomenon are gifts which have marvelous effects and lessons; but they also carry with them much persecution, are crosses to bear, and also have those temporal aspects, so indicate "not there yet" to the person afflicted.  If the state is not in process of departing, I am not sure I'll be able to sit through another Mass unless this severe lumbar pain is temporary--perhaps not totally osteo med side effect, maybe a worse than usual pain siege.

Sometimes just living with our physical ailments even if, yes, osteopenia and osteoporosis can increase risk of bone fracture, might be as well--at least for this old consecrated Catholic hermit!  The doctoring, lately, involved for an aging and years-long injured body have brought unwelcome distractions!

I will say, that part of my confession yesterday had to do with how I felt I'd been rude, grumpy, and sharp, and unusually so in frustration and pain toward first surgeon's staff.  I am most sorry about that; apologized as the conversations occurred or after.  But, I've been at suffering for years and years, and I still harbor the hope that I can do better.  So I will try, and today is certainly a major test with the different type of pain, on top of the other pain, and at a level in which I really am having trouble managing even with the meds I have.

But I must remember to trust in Jesus, and to moderate if I do speak to anyone, which is doubtful for today (and rare most days due to vocation's silence of solitude!) since I am relegated to the floor (and rare most days due to vocation's silence of solitude). Tried sleeping on a board on mattress, but that did not work out.  Back to the floor!

I consider the hermits of yore, and how they had to deal with bodily ailments, solus Deus.  Now, we go to doctors; and hermits in not distant past the past no doubt did, also, or if a hermit who also a religious brother or sister, would be called in to the mother house for medical care when it got to that point.  I'm thinking simplicity is best in doctoring, in my situation.  Yes, I need medicinal help with pain management; that transition came 11 years ago when the body simply could not cope with the increasing pain over the years.  I was told it would get worse, and it certainly has.

This side effect of the osteo medication injection hopefully will be temporary.  If not--as others have had unfortunately side effects--I join those for whom the medication did not work out so well in the ill-effects.  Some people do not have lasting side effects.  But those who do, rue the day they had the injection.  I'm not at all at that point.  It is best that we enter into situations always with positive attitude.  We hope and assume we will not be one of the negative statistics.

I'll ponder how all this relates with Trinity Sunday and faith.  It does relate quite well and in many facet--even in the entering into faith and the spiritual life, and into cooperating with the Holy Spirit of Love within us--with positive spirit, assuming all the best and not focusing nor looking for the ill side-effects of the devil doing what he can to derail the soul's relationship with the Holy Spirit.

God always wins for the soul who believes in Christ, who accepts the love the Holy Spirit imparts, and who loves His Real Presence and others with that very love infused into our souls.  Now, this is an aspect in which to rejoice on this Sunday--the Solemnity of the Holy Trinity!

God bless His Real Presence in us!

[Note:  I did end up making an executive pain management decision.  Better to crush and take an Excedrin, drink half an ale (which in past has helped some in neck muscles), than to let spinal headache get further out of control, than to figure a ride to ER, added sitting or gurney, maybe a strong med in IV or injection.  Go the simpler, conservative route first.  Thank God, it is helping a little.  Might need another, but will just have to call pain doctor's office tomorrow and say what transpired, and they can delay injection if they think that amount of nsaid must cancel procedure.  Such is this pained, Catholic hermit's day.  

When considering hermits of which I've read autobiographies or biographies, it is not the days like this--the very human days of dealing with temporal aspects--which are highlighted, if mentioned at all.  But it is good to realize that not all their days were spent in non-stop infused contemplation, or in otherwise flights of spirit or deep mental prayer, contemplation, or lectio divina.  The temporal body can bring the hermit to his or her sick bed, mat, floor, whatever.  Hanging on despite suffering then becomes the prayer, the work, the day, the night.]

Catholic Hermit: Spiritual Leper

Had a most unusual and unexpected day yesterday.  The mystical morning unfolded with  the pain doctor asking some spiritual questions that evolved from the lumbar MRI scans.  He could not locate a couple of the screws in the back rods implanted years ago.  Well, only four were screwed back in, as I described the situation of my dying in recovery, and the surgeon being called back, my being sent back into my body by God, and the surgeon rushing me in to surgery to try to figure out what went wrong.

So the lumbar region is a mess, yes.  Rods installed, fusion, bone graft, rods removed, re-bent, re-screwed.  Rush, rush.  That's probably why it's a mess and what the pain doctor suspects now, over time, is yet the main cause of way too much pain--not to mention the neck that has problems as well as the thoracic spine that has all kinds of issues, but nothing like the low back.  So he is referring me to a surgeon for his take on if there is a means to remove bone spurs and open up areas where spinal stenosis has set in.  Nerves are being pinched, spinal cord is squeezed.

The pain doctor wanted to know more about the death experience.  Then he had some questions regarding a situation in his extended family.  I won't go into the details, but it has to do with a suicide and a spouse going to what can be termed a "channeler" who had contact with the deceased spouse and brought details that go along with mind-reading but more so, of which discernment of spirits is crucial.  So we discussed the spiritual realm and Christ, and Scripture, and I did my best to advise, when he asked, how to help the family member hopefully not return to the group with the necromancer.  

I pray yet today that the Holy Spirit had me say what needed to be said--including permission to share with the family member my own experience years ago, and the warning God gave me in the middle of the night:  Follow no one!  Follow no one!  Follow no one!

We are to follow Jesus Christ.  God the Father!  Holy Spirit!  

I also had more as I reached my truck so walked back to give an addition message to the doctor via his receptionist.  These situations and people who do such things create a dependency in the vulnerable that is not good.  God does not do that.

The doctor also recommended I see a certain chiropractor who he said would be interested in talking with me and me with him.  He mentioned I might also try a B-12 injection and get my neck worked on.  He said the chiropractor would know what priest best for me to talk with, as the chiropractor is a Catholic and simply--yes, would "know."

The doctor texted the chiropractor who texted back that I should call and his receptionist would set an appointment, and to call her.  So I did, and I was able to go after the pain doctor appt. to do a walk-in for the B-12 injection, but first the chiropractor and I had a brief conversation.  

It was so unexpected--the connection, the advice, and the chiropractor's background and experience in his field plus ancillary areas.  Turns out, he is a member of the parish nearest me, and he advised which priest would be best, although I was slated to speak with the other.  Both are very good men, very good priests, the chiropractor said, but the one would have more understanding or grasp of my situation.

That is exactly what the good and kind priest I did speak with, suggest.  He listened commendably to my explanation of the situation--the ecstasies during Mass and a few other aspects, including my vocation as a consecrated Catholic hermit, privately professed.  Ultimately, the priest said I need to speak with the other priest who happens to be away until next week.  But in the interim, he felt best that I have Communion brought to me.

He explained that while he did not want me to "feel like a spiritual leper," that he had to consider such as if someone had Turret's Syndrome, and would that do well for the other worshippers to be distracted?  I assured him I understand, and that he actually handled quite well what I shared of my mystic life, born this way but not realizing it until age 34 when a friend told me that I'm on a different wave length, have experiences others do not--but they love me all the same.

So when it came to his concerns of how I should be such as when the person who'd bring me Communion would meet me, come to my home, he said they'd not be able to come into "THIS!"  By "THIS!", I understood he meant how people would react if they realized my spiritual leperhood, as actually, that is exactly what "THIS!" is!  It truly is!  I finally have an accurate metaphor for my mystic affliction.  Perhaps after a mystic dies from this earth, the mystic affliction, the spiritual leprosy, is then called and considered a spiritual "gift". 

The kindly priest added that if I can just try to perceive how other people would find me--and I said I can do that, although not easy to always remember.  Thus, it is really for my own protection and that of others in charitable way, that God called me to Himself and gave me the hermit vocation, for I am so easily distracted when in the world, drawn out too much, and I am understanding also that it includes such as the world of an active and large parish of regular, normal, active people.  

So he also advised that the parish visitor bringing Communion should also not know that I am a hermit, for lay persons in the Church do not really grasp or understand that vocation.  I agree!  Even Bishops don't really grasp, for the most part, as there are so many different Bishops with their different notions about hermits as evidenced in the recent (by Church time line per centuries) development of canonically approved hermits.  

Some hermits are approved to live together, others are approved to allow or strive to develop quasi-religious order hermitages, to live with parents,.  Some work in more visible and interactive jobs and socialize more than do many lay persons; some are so young as to not have had much if any life experience in suffering, prayer, financial challenges, work nor love relationships.

Anyway, it was a good talk with this priest, and yes, when the other priest returns, I will do as he said and let the lead priest ultimately decide what he deems best.  However, I find prudence and even wisdom in what this priest yesterday had to say.  I'm actually relieved; plus there was none of the eye-rolling nor disrespect nor doubting nor worrisome reaction--not the persecution--that I've experienced in the past.  I was prepared for anything, as one ought, when being honest about something that is atypical.

He said we'd just tell the parish nurse who makes arrangements for those bringing Communion to persons in their homes, that I have a severe back problem (true enough) and that is why I need a parish visitor once a week.  So that's what we said, and I wondered a bit that we probably did not even need to have that as a reason.  But once an underlying reason such as spiritual leprosy is known to one in charge, there seems a more urgent need to mask it when others would not notice, anyway.  Or so I wonder.  

Perhaps I'm yet in denial.  Several years ago when I tried to wear clothing in attempt to blend in with clothing style of a bulk of one Cathedral parishioners, a daughter told me it might work for even a year, but sooner than later they'd sense something different about me.  Turned out to be so.  Regardless, I think this parish priest is wise and prescient in his advice, yesterday.  

The more I pondered it later, though, I laughed some about the spiritual leprosy because it is so apt in many ways.  Even lepers today are not hidden away, yet there are medications to help cure them.  No "cures" are known for a mystic.  However, I reviewed how God has for years guided me and spoken to me, given visions and locutions, advising me of essentially the same:  Hibernate, live hermit life, be held for Himself, protect and prevent from being drawn out into the world, be provided for by Him, and know this is how He is loving me.  

Now is the time I must unpack; settle back into the structure of my eremitic vocation; accept, appreciate, and embrace my spiritual leprosy; pray, praise, love Him above all else and others as myself; fulfill the mission God reveals in slivers of light.  And write in my hidden, anonymous way that He asks of me, sharing what others can choose to read and find help or meaning, or not, with out being distracted by seeing the spiritual leper or fearing contagion of the misunderstood and unknown.

Even the pain doctor says he is awake at night, struggling with understanding Who Is God?  What Is God--Spirit, Presence, Being?  As we talked over the thoughts, we came to what all come to: our words fail to describe He Who Is the Source of All Beingness, Energy, and Love.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Father, Son, and Holy Spirit....  Words fail us; we hope for faith and love to sustain what we cannot describe.

Catholic Hermit: Time to Praise

Awoke quite early with severe pain--and no wonder with the on-going manual labor recently in the Te Deum Hermitage!  Just a few tasks yet to fine-tune the interior, and then I will play "gardener."  The trees and perennial flowers, the roses, the vegetables and fruits, and also the weeds have been neglected this summer due to bodily mishaps and all the interior work done in order to have the house finished.

But this Scripture from Ephesians 5 in today's Mass readings rivets my attention as it is so positive and uplifting--as always the Word of the Living God uplifts!

"...be filled with the Spirit,
addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs,
singing and playing to the Lord in your hearts,
giving thanks always and for everything
in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God the Father."

I particularly love the aspect suggested of "singing and playing to the Lord in your hearts."  As a consecrated Catholic hermit whose daily horarium has been heavy on the manual labor and thoughts necessarily needing to be attentive to tasks at hand in order to ready the property for closure and the transition to where I know not--it is good to be reminded that within our hearts we are able to sing and play (music or whatever love-musings and actions) to Jesus.

Even in the night when using some laptop program to distract with the sound of accented voices (somehow British or other foreign or even a regional accent or drawl helps lull my pained body to sleep), I can utilize the voices as a form of music and turn all with intention of my heart, as singing and playing to the Lord.  It may seem pathetic, that--but praise be to God that it works when I yet cannot take anti-inflammatory medications as have not been cleared yet with the head injury and brain bleeds.

Increasingly I am reminded that intention is so crucial in our approach to all matters temporal, and thus spiritual.  We can use hone our hearts and minds and bodies to creating all aspects in our daily lives to become, in effect, spiritual songs.  I have slipped in this aspect of inner singing and playing simply due to the intensity of trying to finish the manual labor here with a deadline set not so much by myself but by finances and others now engaged in this final phase with the old farmhouse hermitage.

As to addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs--I have not done so recently and not so much directly in the past, either.  It is a lovely suggestion--perhaps more an abjuration!  We can say to friends, "Blessings to you" or "Much love to you" or "God love you" (as my spiritual father usually says when a phone conversation is at end or his letter concludes.  How about "The Lord be with you" or "God bless!"?  

Depending upon our location amidst people in "the world", our greetings may vary or be attenuated by how well we know the other or in what way they may be comfortable or not with our greetings.  Yet it does not take long or much to develop a way with others that allows them to accept our good intentions and our own way of being--spiritual being, and indeed, filled with the Spirit.  We can assess the persons and situations in the present moments, and by the power of the Holy Spirit can be guided as to loving praise and joyous remarks.

While I currently live in an area that is mostly quite secular, others detect in me rather easily, the spiritual.  I do not mention that I am a consecrated Catholic hermit as I try to live the Church's guidelines for her hermits to be "hidden from the eyes of men."  However I do not hesitate to reflect in action and word that I am a child of God--in subtleties merging into more overt depending upon the situation and person with whom I'm interacting.

The Holy Spirit most often speaks for us even if we think we are the ones thinking and speaking.  Although I've been woefully too busy and distracted with manual labor and attention to details of temporal transactions--the Holy Spirit yet guides and reigns over my mind, heart, and spirit.  The love of God we have within and our living within His Real Presence, filled with His Body and Blood, greets others in our thoughts as well as others we meet in person.  The message and effect are there even if we speak not a word.

And our angels are with us even when we neglect thinking of them or thanking them--as I have been neglectful in this, as well.  The other day when the two teens were here helping spread more gravel and then trying to tidy up the pole barn, I was sweeping rat droppings and other debris and noticed a lovely white feather fringed with rust-color--and thought it might be a hawk's feather--a red hawk.  But only this morning did I remember the old saying that angels leave reminders of their presence through a bird's feather.  Even if not an actuality--although could be, who are we to say?--the linkage of a feather as a reminder of our guardian angel's presence is lovely and of value.

Just as St. Paul's reminder in Ephesians is lovely and of value and so very, very true....

"...be filled with the Spirit,
addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs,
singing and playing to the Lord in your hearts,
giving thanks always and for everything
in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God the Father."

(And yes, giving thanks always and for everything--which means even that which we think not what we needed or wanted, that which causes us pain and inconvenience and distress.)

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: Wait for Christ's Mercy

From I Jude 17:21-23:

Build yourselves up in your most holy faith;
pray in the Holy Spirit.
Keep yourselves in the love of God
and wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ
that leads to eternal life.
On those who waver, have mercy;
save others by snatching them out of the fire;
on others have mercy with fear,
abhorring even the outer garment stained by the flesh.

The other day this first reading from Mass Scriptures struck me as being packed concisely with wisdom.  Each line holds major tenets and advisements for body and soul, temporal and spiritual.

I'm here on my sleeping bag on the floor, stiff and sore from a hard fall in a store.  Happened Saturday late afternoon and was in ER getting body x-rayed until released in evening--no broken bones on what was x-rayed!  Praise God! 

But that does not free me for much mobility as the entire body smacked concrete after foot caught on an errant, loopy hose in garden section.  Of course, I did not see it.  I was in fast-pace mode after picking up some plumbing supplies and a potted dahlia to help brighten the front porch of the hermitage, readying it for selling.  So my body propelled with force and smacked the cement. 

Was quite a spectacle with customers gasping and gathering around, clerk calling for crisis management over store intercom:  Customer down in Lawn and Garden!

Mercy.  Yes, that is the word I'm holding today from the apostle Jude's first letter:  Wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ.

As soon as I splatted on the concrete and thought my leg was broken (not, thankfully, but plenty sore as is remainder of this old Catholic hermit's body--bones, tendons, muscles, soft tissue), I realized I'd made an crucial error that morning. 

Having made great progress on the upstairs bathroom plumbing and other finishing work, I had set a mental time-goal that I might finish the hermitage in three weeks!

When will I learn?  Every time I set a time-related goal, something happens to slow me in the work efforts.  Stay in the Order of the Present Moment.  Do not leap forward with plans connected with time frames.  Just keep myself in the love of God and wait for the mercy of the Lord Jesus Christ.  It leads to eternal life--not the time-frame of finishing some project minor or major, or starting or ending some life event, job, vacation, relationship, or otherwise.

Even now, I have no idea how long I will be "stoved up".  When the shock wore off and adrenalin dropped to more normal level, it is a matter of WAITING to heal and feel up to manual labor again.  Gotta wait for awhile to see if left shoulder affected.  After such impacts, soft tissue injuries can take awhile to see if they will simmer down or be an on-going problem.

Don't I know from the right shoulder surgeries as well as the low back of which years ago an accident changed the course of my earthly existence.  However, with this, I think the stiffness, pain, and aches will be temporary.  At least I hope and pray so.

My cousin happened to call yesterday and asked when I think I will finish the house. I said I must not ever project and explained why.  God does not will it!  I am to learn to remain strictly with and in the Order of the Present Moment, down to the detail of time-limits and time-goals.

Build myself up in the faith; pray in the Holy Spirit.

Now, that is something to ponder.  Pray in the Holy Spirit.  I honestly have no idea if I am "doing" that, but I guess I must assume so considering the Paraclete came yet again on Pentecost in celebratory and mystical commemoration of the reality of His being bequeathed us centuries ago, upon the will and action of the Father and the Son.

Just last week we celebrated Trinity Sunday, after all, and my smackdown in the store was on the vigil of the Solemnity of Corpus Christi--Body and Blood of the Lord Jesus upon whose mercy I wait.  So all the right reminders are about me, and Jude's contribution to the Living Word of God do have reality and actual, lived meaning.

As to mercy, I am to have mercy on those who waver.  Yes, I can do that.  But to save them and snatch them from the fire?  It surely must be through prayer at this point, that yes, I can pray for their salvation.  I have a relative or two in mind--one in particular who is unhealthy and affecting her ill, teenage daughter's progression in healing from a dire medical crisis.  And another has totally turned from God, saying not a believer but of course I do not know deep down in the person's soul. 

But I will have mercy and hope to help save them from the fire, by the grace of God.  There is always hope in Christ, in waiting for His mercy, in remaining in God's love, in praying in the Holy Spirit.

So I pray.  That is my hope in fulfilling the advice from Jude.  Well, it is written with import and impact more than seemingly advice.  It is truth, power, might, and necessity for us Christians--and especially perhaps for a consecrated Catholic hermit.

Oddly, in the store when splayed on the concrete floor, the crisis manager who was called was concerned but also thinking managerial style.  By instinct, I held up the crucifix I wear, and said, "I am a Christian; I am not a type of person to malinger nor deceive."  Now, that must have come from the Holy Spirit--words I'd not logically come up with under the shock of the unexpected hard fall.

I must trust that since the Holy Spirit has been given, and I have accepted and desire to be in the Holy Spirit as in His Real Presence--Father, Son, and Holy Spirit--that my praying is done in the Holy Spirit.  Remaining in God's love and waiting on Christ's mercy--yes, that is my desire and hope, and in faith, it is so.

May it always be so.

As for my having mercy--with fear--on those who are abhorrent by their sins, yes, I will be merciful with a wariness, a fulsome fear that I not touch nor take in the stain of their outer garments, tainted by sin of their flesh.  Of course, I'd better beg the Lord and my fellow humans to offer me mercy with fear lest I taint them with my sins and vices, of which I nor anyone is without sins of some sort or other.

That is why it is best and even safest, to build up our faith, remain in the love of God, wait for the mercy of the Lord Jesus Christ, and pray in the Holy Spirit--leading to eternal life.

And praise God--thankful for His Real Presence in us!