Catholic Hermit: And More Pain

The drill-whip injury to the right hand, somehow got re-injured late yesterday.  Excruciating pain.  I tell ya, it's kind of a blessing because it takes the  mind off the left knee/calf injury of last June, and the deteriorating condition of my spinal fusion and rods--awaiting surgery.  I may just have to get into the pain doctor soon so he can refer me to a hand surgeon.  

Was supposed to have it operated on a year ago December, a year after the injury, but I needed the hand to finish the hermitage where I was, in order to get out from under what I've termed "death therapy."  Great experience to die to self, be stripped down to more austerity as a hermit, to rely more fully on the Lord God.

Thankfully I have the brace I wore then,  and found it even though not unpacked in this hermitage: Solus Deus.  Had just uncovered the various braces and bands, thanks be to God!

I simply cannot write much; but I figured to report this development as it is causing me all the more to consider that God is allowing the added suffering.  I just need to switch gears, accept the pain, seek Him in the pain, and let lots of temporal aspects slide by the wayside.

And that means to focus more on the "ora" and less the "labora."  

It will be good for me to be forced out of what I think is a case of acedia--spiritual sloth!  The priest confessor last week was not convinced, as  he thinks the suffering is worth a lot.  But of course, I think I should be aligning and embracing better within the suffering.

Hermits are humans, of course and after all!

Last night I was tempted to get to an ER as the pain in the right thumb base was so severe.  However, reality comes into the situation, and  I just need to wait it out until I can get a referral to a hand surgeon.  The only reason I will contact the pain doctor is that he seems to know who are the best surgeons for various body parts.  Pain meds don't really touch this level of pain much, so no need in that regard.  

Just keep it still.  Don't move the thumb--at all.

Gotta try to mow the yard, though.  One can pray for and consider people who have lost right hands or right arms, and realize if they do not have a prosthesis, they learn to use left hands and left arms.  Resiliency is needed in the temporal and spiritual realms, both.

But I think the Lord with this latest pain affliction, is asking of me to examine more fully one of the Nine S' of my hermit life:  Stillness.  That, also, seems to be what is needed not only physically or by body part, but within my mind, heart, and spirit.  Just some stillness in God's Presence--must be!

God bless His Real Presence in us.  God bless you all on tomorrow's Palm Sunday!  Hosanna!

Catholic Hermit: Scatter

Scatter.  That is how it seems to me--just a lot of "scatter."  

We all have scatter.  Piles of mail to go through: find a place for the keepers, a place for the bills to be paid, and recycle container for the rest.  Appointments to make and keep or ponder and cancel, phone calls to answer, note times and dates, phone calls to make.  Stuff to sort and put away, take away, trash or recycle.  Just a pilfering of the multitudinous scatter tasks and scatter thoughts--not to forget the scatter emotions that come with each present moment of dealing with scatter. 

It takes body, mind, and heart to move through scatter.

As a consecrated Catholic hermit, I am realizing just how badly the scatter has taken roost with the months of being between hermitages and needing to stay with family and friends.  Plus, I am realizing I was quite used to construction mode with all the scatter all about in the environment of remodeling as well as mind-scatter with figuring major construction tasks from as a novice carpenter not expecting to have to enter into that type of scatter--and for several years at older age.

Like anyone who is trying to settle in, who  perhaps has had to go off the path somewhat when circumstances interfered with the usual, we ourselves are the only ones who can ultimately get back on track, settle in, discipline to listen and discern and heed and do God's will.  A big portion of God's will is to then create the scenario and equip ourselves with the means externally but very much more so the internal fortitude to follow through on what God desires of and for us.

Just a bit ago I realized the day is waning, and I have not brought in a box of books, not one box.  I still can.  My back has been resting for yet another day, but the scatter has needed action of the external type although prayer is always an integral part of any external action.  Even if not conscious or verbal prayer, prayer is within and the Holy Spirit is uttering in thought flashes or heart beats, prayer on our behalves--for those of us who love the Lord and know in faith that He is in us and us in Him.

But the effort I need in discipline against so much external and internal scatter is mine to engender.  Thus far I'm not doing that good a job at focus on the spiritual "tools" that will shape the day in order, peacefulness--well, let me write it yet again:  The Nine S'!

Where is the silence, solitude, slowness, suffering, selflessness, simplicity, stillness, stability, and serenity?  I find the suffering, yes; that is the easiest as it is always present in a noticeable manner in my body.  Yet the other s' that are the platform to what is to be my Gospel Rule of Life, are woefully sketchy other than, of course, solitude now that I'm not a guest in others' homes of recent note.  Silence is here other than when I put on background noise of some sort.  Yes, noise can be a pain management distraction technique. But it also is for me, a hermit, a form of scatter.

Slowness--yes, that is in abundance these days!  My pained body is woefully slow, but there is more to my slowness that is not positive, and that is the aspect of my body and mind railing against forcing up in the morning and tending to some sort of schedule.  I'm scattered!  The slowness is not so much a spiritual good-slowness of focused and intentional tending to the nuances of the Holy Spirit; my slowness these days and nights is human slowness, a weary slowness of which perhaps it is possible for me to push a bit, to make the pained body forget it is weary and propel into motion while yet having that slowness that makes movement effective.

Stillness and stability are choices, as well, for this hermit to be consciously making when scatter disrupts the previous development within of these and the other s'.  The past three days I've remained physical stabilized in this hermitage.  Some of that was made easy by a pain siege that nails me to the cross in body--but the mind can yet scatter!  The emotions can create a sense of more scatter, yet!  So stability has facets to consider and contend with in order for that "s" to shine as Christ's.

Serenity seems passive, yes; but the opposition is scatter of disjointed type--subtle--but not the peaceably subtle serenity that is ours with choice of our desire and will and God's grace.  

Selflessness--I suppose there can be a form of scatter in what is actually a false selflessness.  We can become scattered in our attempts at selfless thoughts and actions.  But the selflessness of the Nine S' is borne of a spirit ensconced in Christ's Spirit, His selfless love, His quintessential, sacrificial flow.  Selflessness of this latter type is something for which I pray.  A simple, outer example can come when we unconsciously shift from outer scatter to offer something in sacrifice of even our intended focus--even if in prayer as a hermit--to do or say or be for some other desire or need that God presents to us.  This selflessness can be very much an outer act or thought, but asked of us by God, often for others.

Well, I'm trying to settle down, trying to examine the scatter in order to sift and soften and settle all of it, body, mind, heart and even when my spirit seems scattered as a result of the other scatter.  I still will bring in at least one box of books and unpack them.  The books--all spiritual tomes--remind me of the good that spiritual reading, including lectio divina as Bibles and other writings of scriptural exegesis are in some of the boxes.  

Just the reminder that the books will provide bring hope of returning to a greatly reduced scatter, to the desired prayer for essentially no scatter intruding in my hermit day, my hermit night, my hermit body, mind, heart, and spirit.

Otherwise, I also must trust that if my body is this fatigued, that simply examining the reality of scatter is doing much good right now.  Simply face scatter in varying modes and degrees can help "simplify" scatter.  Simplifying the whole issue of scatter is of benefit, too!

My God, I love You!  I love Your patience with whatever is my present moment struggle.  You know I'm trying.  Thank You!

Catholic Hermit: Physical Instability

Well, dear readers, I had previously mentioned pondering "stability" which is one of the Nine S' of the platform in my hermit Rule of Life.  My Rule of Life being the Gospel Rule--the Nine S' are ways in which I strive to incorporate the aspects with living out the Gospels.

Silence.  Solitude.  Slowness.  Suffering.  Selflessness. Simplicity.  Stability.  Stillness.  Serenity.

As soon as I focused thoughts on stability--what it is, the various facets both temporal and spiritual, physical, mental, emotional and of the soul--I found myself in a situation in which I had to do exactly as I'd not hoped to have to do.  I had to physically remove myself from my temporary living situation and travel to another location where I am currently staying in a guest room with ensuite bath in a large home of a family member and long-time friend.

This time here is temporary, as well, while my real estate agent and I keep in touch long distance--both sets of eyes on the real estate listings in the locale it seems best for me to purchase a hermitage (dwelling) and live for however long God wills.  

I always keep hoping for a place to remain, but then I consider St. Benedict who went out into the desert for solitude, and it was not long before many others followed him.  Then he was called upon by God to create a rule of life, and a religious order had its inception and roots developed, still growing after many centuries.  St. Benedict thus was called out of hermit mode of silence of solitude.  

It might be hard for us to accept that the hermits we may consider--or have our own perceptions thereof--must face the reality that many hermits have had to uproot and shift locations off and on for centuries.  Other hermits, perhaps most notably ones of yore or who became hermits while having been in a religious order, were more stabilized in location.  Still, when they aged, often enough they had to uproot and come back to the "mother house" or such, to be tended until they passed on.

Here, I've had a dream.  It is the first dream in seemingly months; and it is a dream that is helping me grasp and have faith and trust, that the uprooting from the other location that was temporary in itself, will all work out over time.  Sometimes when one must leave a place, there can be misunderstandings, or it can be that the one leaving knows it is time and for the best, yet not know for sure what is ahead or why it had to be that one must leave.

Not long after arriving in the current situation, I realized the good God has for me to do here.  My cousin is recovering from deep depression brought on by extreme fatigue as well as facing what can be difficult for anyone--shift in life from full-time work to retirement.  He is still exhausted but there is hope for recovery even if it might take a long time.  There are tasks here that he needs help accomplishing, so yesterday I was up on a steep embankment, aerating the soil with a pronged tool as he and I then mixed soil amendments to be worked as best possible, into the soil.

It was hard work for one who has not had manual labor to do for 3-4 months.  I so needed it!  Yes, am sore today, but there is yet more to be done once weather permits.  He got engaged in the efforts, and we have seen him smile more in three days than what was reportedly any time before since the exhaustion and depression up-ended his body and mind, and shocked his and his wife's lives.

I've become used to more or less living out of a small suitcase with supplies of all types in my truck.  I had intended to drop off some of the truck "stuff" at storage when I left where I'd been staying, but the storage facility did not open its gates until 6 a.m., and I was up and on the road before 5 a.m.  I had not slept the night before, as it was not easy for me to leave where I had been staying.  Lots of aspects about that which kept me awake, but I did need to leave, to give my hosts a break and have their household back more to usual.

Of course, I had no idea that I'd be of such usefulness here.  Even getting the cousin to ride in my truck as we went to a nearby Home Depot to load up on peat, steer manure, garden soil (which we don't need after all), and a special aerating/soil churning hand tool, was fun for him and yes, a victory to claim for the Lord!  I did not know the way to the store, and he verbalized the directions to me in detail.  I've been told he is conversing far more than previously.  Praise the Lord!  

Another person here for now--this Catholic hermit, a known cousin--who can talk and laugh, and listen, also allows his wife to tend to other matters.  We all three have become a team of sorts.  Yet also, I have most of the day during the weekdays, for silence and solitude, for prayer in quiet as well as when we are striving in some task they need help with--to pray in activity.

We are all in same age range and have suffered various trials in life.  Another cousin calls and texts from across the country, and she has had to go through severe medical trials in these later years.  It all helps the cousin here to be encouraged, to be reminded that we persevere, that we will keep going, and that there is progress and hope.  God provides!

I have no idea how long I will be here.  There is another town not too terribly far that I can drive and see some friends I've not seen in nearly three decades.  We never know how the Lord will use us or why, until we allow ourselves to do, sometimes, what we otherwise would think not at all the best to be doing.  It was an absolute miracle that I was able to drive as far as I did, praying all the way.

The prayers were driven by the situation I was in, by the unknowing of waiting in blind faith for the Lord to choose--and let me know, as well, His will--for the hermitage He wills for me.  Other aspects and distractions made the sensing and discerning increasingly confused.  However, it came time and perhaps past-time, for me to depart for a time of which I know not how long.

I tell you, I've never in my life been in such a space of temporal time period in which there was such unknowing!  Driving along roads in states I'd not driven in previously, I encountered snow and freezing rain; then came the dense fog as my small truck followed semi-trucks down lonely stretches of highway, from higher elevations into low lands.  We could not see more than 20 feet ahead, yet the experienced truckers led the way, and I followed in a type of faith that taught me much spiritually.

All in our daily lives teaches us; and when we place our bodies, minds, hearts, and souls into God's will, we can only go along in a type of blind faith, through fogs and dangerous conditions, through sun and vast spaces of wonderment and beauty, through darkness with bright lights, from rare headlights to thousands of lights whizzing on multiple lanes of frenetic, fast traffic-flow.  

By that point, I recognized all the more that my angel Beth, as well as my parents, my long-time friend's parents, and her husband--my cousin's parents--were all guiding and essentially driving my pick-up through the final phase of the journey and safely to this large home perched in hills above valleys wherein live masses of humanity, as far as eyes can see.

Stability?  Physical stability--I'd have to say not at all for this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit!  But interior stability--yes, it is settling down to that after some time of tumult in various aspects, within and without.  I'm reminded that much of tumult has to do with my sensing and feeling and loving so deeply.  Depth of feeling, sensing, and loving can stir that which perhaps needs to be stirred.  Then the slow simmering comes, and the peacefulness of inner and outer stability assures that all is well and all shall be well.  God has all in His providence and will!

God bless His Real Presence in us!  

Catholic Hermit: The S of Stability

In this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit's daily life, there is the undergirding platform of the Nine S'.  (I used to consider them my rule of life until I realized the Gospel Rule is the greatest and most suitable rule of life for any mortal.) 

The Nine S' are:  Silence, Solitude, Slowness, Suffering, Selflessness, Simplicity, Stillness, Stability, and Serenity.  We can see how in daily life they can support the living out of the Gospel in various facets.  It is living out the Gospel that is far more crucial and challenging, of course.  Yet the Nine S' augment and assist in living the Gospel.

It came to me today while working in the gable garret--filling trim nail holes and doing lots of touch up painting where I'd caulked yesterday.  (That little triangle room, would make a cocoon of a chapel, has more trim in it than a typical room due to the slanted ceilings, literally giving it the look of a triangle with standing only possible at the apex.)   Then I began laying out and installing the laminate flooring.

I bought the laminate flooring awhile ago, getting a super deal on five boxes as it was a return to Lowes of a non-stock item...then.  Now it is stocked, and I needed another box or think I will, so I bought a box slightly damaged for a bit of reduction.  

I'd never installed laminate, and after several rows "floated" and snapped in, with tapping and using a tug bar to make them fit tightly, I realized that the joints between laminate "boards" (not wood but for better term--slat?) were not snug enough.  I needed to remove the "boards" as a slight angling motion prior to sliding and snapping in place is needed.

Will continue that task in the morning.  Got very hot up there, and the old body had quite a work out for every two rows required going down the ladder with two "boards" to the compound miter saw on back deck, and then up the ladder again to fit the two rows.  The miter saw is on a stand, and if I had other similar tasks upstairs, I'd get a small compound miter saw--one not so large and heavy, to do the cuts in the garret gable itself.

Anyway, every time up and down that ladder from first floor to second, there is risk of falling, I suppose.  I don't think about it, so used to the ladder as means of getting to second floor for two years now.  I did screw down a 2x4 where the ladder rests on the first floor, so it will not slip since it is on quite an incline, up to the landing, and then I have a stool that I stand on like a large step, to heave the body the rest of the way to upper hall.

Stability.  I have been considering stability of all types.  

There is the stability of the ladder, for instance, and the stability of hardwood flooring compared to thin laminate.  Even if the laminate is quality, with foam backing to each piece as I have here, it is quite thin and is a pre-fabricated type product--not wood, but there is the look of wood grain to it.  So it is basically fake in a way, or a deception, perhaps, of real wood flooring.

Stability contains no deception.  One or an object is either stable or not, yet there are ways to make a person or a thing, stable.  And, the bulk of our thoughts might consider temporal stability, such as staying put in one place, remaining in one's job, keeping with one's education or other goals, being stable in a vocation such as marriage--or in the eremitic vocation.  

Yet I began thinking about inner stability.  And that brought the reminder of a comment a cousin made recently, pertaining to where I would go next from this place.  (I do have to finish if possible, sell, and move, for financial considerations. God has not provided a means to financially stay put, nor did He block my purchasing this place even though I had prayed that if not His will, to block it.  So here I am, in what has been a monumental fixer-upper--at least thus for an old hermit. with so much bodily pain and limited  income. Yet He certainly has provided the means to have gotten this far with the efforts.)

So my cousin said that I need to just go to a place and just live there the rest of my life: stay put!

I explained that such a plan is unlikely.  Several moves back, that was my plan.  And my plan was not what God planned.  Thus, one thing or another, and usually for financial considerations such as needing less house or expense when it came time to get children through college, and then odd circumstances to contend with, needing to relocate.  

Instead, the thought has come from without to within, or perhaps from within to without--that I am to be more nomadic, a nomadic hermit.  And go where the wind blows, so to speak, wherever and whenever God determines through whatever means that reaches into the temporal realm, such as finances or health or life-threatening neighbors, or whatever.  

Of course, being nomadic of sorts does not seem congruent with stability.  So I began to ponder other aspects of stability, meaning, of course, the inner type of stability.  We could consider that Jesus did not seem locationally stable, that is for sure.  Plenty of people thought He was not mentally stable.  

And in the garden of Gethsemane or when He was raising Lazarus from the dead and wept just prior, or when He wept over Jerusalem, or was angry with the money changers in the temple--perhaps then people thought Jesus was not emotionally stable, either.  

Yet the external signs of stability or instability, either one, don't necessarily touch the reality or potential existence of great inner stability.   It is inner stability which, to me, seems far more the challenge--maybe it requires somewhat of a grace from God to acquire inner stability.  I don't know, not yet, if this is the case or not.

But I do know that it is inner stability that is what I desire far more than any temporal types of stability.  No longer does it matter to me to stay put in any one location or dwelling, or to have more than basic necessity, financial stability, nor to have health stability, or so forth.  

Mental and emotional stability--often these are known to the individual although others (ourselves!) do tend to for opinions of others on these two considerations.  We judge easily what we think in others' stability in mind and emotion, and sometimes might even come close to a true enough external assessment.  But most often we really don't know and never should we be in the diagnostic business as amateurs that we are.

It is the inner stability that seems most useful and helpful, as well as most loving and merciful.  Inner stability of the type I am touching upon has to do with the spiritual--of faith hope, love and the close relationship--union desired--with God!  It is being stable in our quest and love and praise for and of God in Himself and then in our living out His love and mercy in regards our fellow humans and all creatures--flora, fauna, all God's creation.

As I do the manual labor tasks, there is no real stability in the efforts, and this has been a good exercise in learning to let go of external type stability.  There are always considerations and circumstance that intervene in external stability.  In fact, external stability is not so stable.  Weather, pain level, materials on hand, various interceptions of stability, even death!  As Jesus reminds, we do not know the day or the hour.  We do not know from whence the wind comes nor where it will blow next.

But inner stability: this is possible to possess and to be--stable!  This stability has to do with our being in Christ, remaining in His Love, and He in us.  God is totally stable; and our stability or ability to be stable rests only, fully, eternally, concretely, in our abiding in Him.

Only God is truly and fully, completely stable.  So if we want stability we'd best stick close to, be in, remain with:  God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.