(Part of correspondence to a dear friend, a professor I had in a course on John of the Cross in Catholic University of Avlia, Spain. She has lost her husband in this past year plus has some type of malady which has limited her. God bless her beautiful and loving soul!)
I notice the ones I greatly admire--mostly of the distant past--who were mistreated but moved on through the human-made elements and laws of the temporal church, even such as John of the Cross who was "in" a religious order but not really "with" it in his mind, heart, and soul but rather was IN HIS REAL PRESENCE all the time, elevated and had "passed through" the temporal church like the passageway it is--a passageway in which to learn and read and experience and grasp the differences between the temporal church with it's contrivances and personalities, those who are into organization and prestige, power, position and possession of many temporal aspects--and that of the Church that Christ instituted and invisioned, that He taught of what is best and right because he spoke against so many aspects of the Jewish "church" of His life on earth, the hypocrisies and twisted traditions, the extremism of human-created and altered laws, of the ills of the high priests and scribes, the Pharisees and Sadducees, and of the who-who types of people attending, and then of the blind sheep without a Shepherd, as it were.
People such as John of the Cross, Bruno the Carthusian, the desert fathers and mothers of early first centuries, Bernard of Clairvaux--these are some of the Christians who seemed to grasp the temporal Church as a passageway rather than a be-all and end-all but a means of developing and learning to discern what is of the Trinity and the useful aspects and knowledge learned, the theology, the Living word especially, the Law of God (Law of Love), the actual and very real presence of the Three Persons of the Trinity indwelling in us and us in His Real Presence. They came to grasp and live and strive IN the Trinity, and their writings demonstrate they had passed through the temporal Church even if such as Bernard existed as spiritual leader in a group of men desiring God also, as did Bruno, even though /bruno did not at all want a religious order of his way of having passed through; after his /death Guigo 1 did that. Same with Francis--had passed through the temporal church and wanted nothing to do with a religious order or list of goals despite giving in at the end of his short life, and wrote a few "rules" which were against his will, and for his plight, the Lord gave him the stigmata due to Francis desiring union IN His REal Presence and not a temporal organization of his way of coming to God, to the spiritual and mystical realities, to Love of God.
So these people like the early desert fathers and mothers and some others who have written of their passages and transitions through the temporal Church as passageway and of coming to the /stairway to Heaven while on earth, and living beyond the temporal, having passed through that and of not succumbing to the temporal church tainted with humankind's touch and twisting of what Christ taught and God desires. His law is simple yet profound and most difficult: the Law of Love of God and of others as God Loves.
So I am trying to accept that I passed through part-way through 2008, and prior to that was tempted and fell to being tempted to be drawn off in the twistings in and of the temporal church, of all that humankind had devised and created and developed and organized way beyond and full of distractions, and the pitfalls of power, prestige, position, possessions of church religious as well as parishioners: snares of the shallow end rather than going on out, passing through, into the depths of God, Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit--the Trinity, His Real Presence. And of residing there, through, with, and IN HIM. Of learning to love, of loving to learn to love, and of living God's Law of Love.
So I'm trying to accept the years I hung on to what is not, and instead am trying to seek nakedly and in simplicity of trust, hope, love--what IS.
To ask God's forgiveness for having tarried in what is not, and to also forgive myself for having done so, to have clung to what is not despite so many messages, dreams, visions, locutions of moving on through, of being shown it as passageway filled with what is very good and helpful to learn, and to then pass on to the base of the stairway to heaven and begin ascending. Yet I have dog-paddled at the base of the Stairway, keeping me feet on the bottom step and grasping the newel post, unsure and doubting perhaps, or fearful mostly that what God was telling me and showing me somehow was incorrect and tempted to still think of the temporal church with all its humankind-created this and that to be not a passageway and that I had passed through long since, even at times pushed on and out literally!
Somehow I felt a great need of a puppy that will grow into a small dog, as a living thing that will be happy to see me each morning and will not criticize but rather will have much acceptance of me who is different and with pain lives a solitary life. The first month was difficult, as the pup named Mercy is a daily life changer; I have had to die more to myself in ways I thought perhaps I had but had not. I must let go of my wanting to stay in bed as much and get up to let the pup out, to feed and train, to take her for a walk, to learn to play with her a bit, to also learn to love this little creature and practice virtues such as patience and temperance, self-control and fidelity to a dependent and rather helpless but quite happy and devoted dog.
I thought I was digressing spiritually, but I am finding out that I still had much to learn in these various ways, including discipline to keep going, to simply keep going, and that I am acceptable at least to the dog, even if I fall short. I suppose the dog is a gift from God of sorts, to remind me of how God is loving, accepting of me, faithful, and wants me to keep going, to get up, to play a bit, to take a walk, to notice how Mercy the pup likes to sit out on the grass and just watch the scenery, the geese when they fly, the grass, the common area pond of the subdivision, and how she delights in people especially, when we go on an errand or walk, and how she also loves other dogs when we encounter them--but some of the dogs growl or are not interested in her.
It is good for me to see how Mercy (the pup, now three months old) moves on after some initial wishing and wondering--a second or two--and then is happily walking or finding something else of interest and delight. That is how to treat those in situations or encounters who do not like or want contact with us; there is always something greater that stirs us onward and forward: His Real Presence as the All in our lives and the lives of all creatures and creation.
It seems pathetic that I'd need a dog to help remind me and to make me get up in the morning. Plus, the pain is up as a result of walking (impact of concrete but good exercise and to get out), to be out of bed, and the humility of needing more pain medication in order to manage my emotions and temper, my impatience, my remembrance to praise God always and be joyful as He is Joy and Light.
I know Michael is doing great, and we are the ones struggling and remain in this temporal life which itself is a passageway. I know Alexandra is being guided and assisted by His Real Presence and her angel in her care of Larry and all aspects of household and the temporal responsibilities we have in this world, of our domiciles and citizenry, of the temporal costs and laws and taxes. Larry is suffering so, and I continue to pray for him, also, and Judy Wood whose cancer is evidently no longer in remission. I pray for you, and I hope that Juliana is there with you or you are able to visit and stay with Juliana for a while if you wish and it is helpful. Of course, going to Avila is a long trip.
A long time acquaintance and clinical psychologist suggested to me that regarding my adult children and grandchildren that I be receptive rather than reach in, for when I'd reach in and not have responses, it was rejection repeatedly. It is not easy as we want to reach in even to let others kjnow we are thinking of them, love them, hoping they are doing all right, encouraging and supporting them. But I am accepting that my children have their own busy lives, and that their remembrance of childhood and teen years and following with a mother erratic with pain, are not pleasant memories now that they have their own lives unencumbered by the heaviness of the pain they lived with day in and out which at the time cast a depressive pall and then when I'd be not as pained, a kind of manic upswing of hopefulness and joy as the pain sieges would ease off, but then come again.
My life has been so abnormal, and even to see me not so accepted by priests and parishioners, and not understand church as passageway--that also then points to me as failed, I suppose, in their view of matters. And I had felt that, also; but now I am contemplating simply accepting that I tarried too long in the passageway and too caught up in the temporal church rather than in noticing how the ones I so admire even in their writings and lives biographied--passed through despite still being "a Catholic." That label was nothing overt in their lives; they had arrived at the base of the stairway to heaven while on earth, and while on earth they began climbing step by step as they had passed through the temporal church, learning what was needed, and taking with them the crux of the learning as they started to ascend the stairs, climb the holy mountain, IN HIS REAL PRESENCE and on earth, yes, but not focused on the temporal of the Church, a passageway, passed through.
Bruno more outwardly had "had it" in Cologne with an envious bishop causing his life stress and hindering him. /when the time was ripe, he left for the farthest reaches of the Alps, passing through a Benedictine monastery en route and wintering over, but realizing that, too, was too weighted by temporal and was that which to pass through, as well, on his quest for His Real Presence in an environment unencumbered by what is not Christ's instituting nor plan for His Body, not ultimately, but merely was, is, a passageway.
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