Catholic Hermit: Fascinating Unfoldings

Am pain-fatigued from a busy day yesterday (for me, that is), in that I had two appointments in morning, then utilized time and proximity to run an errand and then an added appointment after the errand.  In bed by 4 p.m., and from there lived my eremitic life of praise of God and prayer for the salvation of the world!

Yesterday was the first day since a few months prior to last summer's spine surgery, in which I incorporated so much of the outer-world necessities into one lump-sum of hours in one day.  I prefer, as a hermit, to be able to do that, rather than have bits of various days interrupted (or seems to me they become interrupted) by temporal world responsibilities and necessities of bodily life.

This morning, the spiritual father, recovering from surgery himself, sent a most apt selection from Scripture.  "May you be made strong with all the strength that comes from his glorious power, and may you be prepared to endure everything with patience, while joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has enabled you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the light" (Colossians 1:11-12).

I made this body the Lord has given me, get to morning Mass, where I remain in the solitude of the day chapel.  However, a man came in and quietly told me just as Mass was beginning in the sanctuary adjoining but separated by wall, with the closed circuit screen my means of participating, that there would be a funeral in the day chapel following Mass.  He might be setting up some things.  Would that bother me?  I responded with a smile and shake of head, as not at all would that bother me.  I also figured that he or whomever would assume I was simply asleep during Mass, with whatever preparations being made in the intimate day chapel.

The ecstasy occurred as usual, but I am able to recall the homily because of its content--all good, but of the type of more temporal information which always is remembered, whereas more depth of spiritual information, when in the ecstasy, my mind does not remember.  The Consecration I never remember outside of the deep awareness during the Consecration, of the holiness within the present moment of Consecration and following.

So the priest spoke of an occurrence which shook him to the core, and that is of a man who he knew sometimes came to daily Mass, had registered in the parish, but particularly wanted to be able to spend time praying in the 24-hour adoration chapel.  Turns out, he took his own life this week.  No immediate family members had called, although there may be some, and of course there would be persons who knew the man in life.  The priest's focus, important, was on teaching regarding the mortal sin of taking of life, any life, as also there are other mortal sins; but with the consideration of taking one's own life, the reality of the effect of what the priest mentioned as mental illness.  The Lord is merciful, and there are aspects of which a person may not be as cognizant of making discernment, or of being in possession of right thinking, such as in taking one's own life.

Back to this nothing consecrated (for now) Catholic hermit in ecstasy in what had been an empty day chapel other than myself.  At some point (I found out after Mass when coming out of the mystical state), someone had turned on the lights.  Also, there had been a couple or so persons in and out, for there was one in there when I was able to open my eyes, arranging a vase of dark red roses up at the chapel altar, a few feet from where I sat.  And, there was a coffin there, sleek, dark, shiny.  I could hear as I was coming to conscious awareness, the initial man telling a couple people that the chapel would be closed for a private funeral.

However, during the Mass, at some point in whatever non-time it is in a mystical ecstasy, I was aware of the soul of this man who had taken his own life, and my heart began to pound ferociously, my heart enlarging with tremendous love and compassion.  I found my innermost self telling the man that I was his friend, that I would be his friend on this side, and promised my prayers for his progression, as there was not a sense of his being at all a lost soul cast into hell.  I have no proof, of course, as God did not show me where is the man's soul; I only have the deep, inner sense of the man's soul, and saw a brief glimpse of some man in temporal life, perhaps this man, as he had been.  I have no idea if exactly this man, nor do I need to know, nor will I know.

That is never the point with the Lord, when He connects us in mystically spiritual ways with souls whether souls of this earth yet or souls passed over.  My purpose, what the Lord placed in my heart, was a tremendous, throbbing compassion, of merciful love, for this soul, and to be his friend and hidden person of prayer, for his soul's progression.  

As to the aspect of "mental illness," what did come to me, that I can recall, during the priest's homily, was the addition of clarification that there can be "temporary insanity" or in some cases, actual clinical side effect of suicidal ideology, of tremendous temptation such as when physical pain becomes unbearable and untreated.  The temporary insanity of some who may sadly not be able to think rationally, and take their lives, is not what could be categorized in general as "mental illness."  But of course, that much detail is not needed.  

However, the sense the Lord was giving me in the interior love and depth of mystical ecstasy in which boundaries dissolve and His Real Presence is foremost and all else subsides, is that this man had some major life stresses and sorrows, and not externally known or recognizable as mentally ill; and he came to a point in which the problems too great to bear.  That is a form of suffering, as well--not simply physical pain becoming unbearable.  Temporary loss of logic and sensibility of clear mindedness can occur, and Jesus is love and mercy.

As my own physical faculties returned after Mass, and not only a man but also a woman were readying all for funeral Mass to be held in the day chapel, I rose to turn off the TV and close the doors that camouflage the large, closed-circuit television screen.   As I passed the dear man's body in the closed coffin in front of the chapel altar (this day chapel small and private), I gently touched the coffin where would be his folded hands, and offered my compassionate understanding and friendship to the soul of this man who lost his ability to cope with earthly life, at a certain point in time, this past week.

It took quite awhile for my heart to slow and return to normal.  The mystical effects that overtake me sometimes more so than other times, all depending upon the Lord's will, as all of every aspect of our lives depends upon the Lord's will when we are through, with, and in Him.  So returned to a more temporally normal mode, I did realize that perhaps I do need to inquire of the priest his wishes should there be an occasion again, of the day chapel in use or being readied for a group or purpose using it during or after Mass.  Would he want me to sit, then, in the back pew, farthest corner of the large apse of immense parish church structure, with Sanctuary and Tabernacle, or return another day?

Nothing urgent, but it does remind me of the good and rightness of always being attentive to the temporal aspects of Church as well as the spiritual-mystical realities.  As the late Bishop of a different diocese, who had been my spiritual director for a year or two, had agreed--there are in essence two "worlds" (temporal and mystical), but they are both in the Church "one reality"!  Yes!  I will never forget that, even though I exist mostly in the spiritual-mystical world.  That seems to be the "place" that my new spiritual father continues to point and focus me, and where my late dearest Spiritual Da also pointed me in the last note he sent me prior to his holy death from this life.

I have updated my new spiritual father, since he is now able to text and is progressing with healing from his surgery, that I have received a message in response to my query of our bishop, that when the bishop returns, we will find out the bishop's interpretation and wishes as to hermit form, type, or status in our diocese, of which he is Shepherd, and in essence, my (and all our) "superior."  The one responding indicated the bishop likely will lean toward the CL603 status; and I responded that in yet more research yesterday, of a lengthy list of various references to contemporary hermits around the world, the bulk are hermits in recent or newly formed "new institutes" of "hermit communities," or are a relatively few known diocese hermits.  

It is as I realized a week ago when I did some research, and recognized that increasingly, the Church's hermits will be the publicly professed, CL603 diocese hermits, or of contemporary hermit communities, or religious order sisters or brothers whose Order Superiors have given them permission to live as hermits, apart from the monastery, or are those in the ancient hermit Orders, such as Carthusian and Camaldolese.  The way of the traditional, historical, solitary hermit, with private profession of the three evangelical counsels, a vow and a rule of life for their eremitic vocation, are a form of the past.

There is a good in this process.  I am praying as to God's will for me, as I have been privately professed (evangelical counsels), my vow over 19 years ago more in the traditional sense of anchoritic form, my rule of life based upon admixture of what a canonized traditional hermit realized the "perfect rule of life."  Also, there is, as well, my undergirding platform which my late spiritual father suggested the first three aspects the day following my profession ceremony, and to which the Holy Spirt added six more, to make up "The Nine S'." (Have written of the Nine S' in past posts that you may look up if you wish.)

So we shall see what transpires over time.  Prayerfully, the Lord will determine the temporal Catholic aspects of my hermit vocation, as also He determines the on-going and ever-unfolding spiritual aspects.  Each "world" is part of the "one reality."  I do believe in going along to get along, but of course the Lord will make clear His will for me as He has for all His hermits throughout history of the Church.

Coincidentally, in the Lord, the priest in the opening prayers of Mass as well as prior to Consecration, the priest included St. Colette in these prayers!  That, I certainly recall with vividness as it stood out as different; I don't believe I've ever heard a priest include St. Colette's name in the liturgy.  Her feast day is not until March 6, but she is one who was an enclosed anchoress in the early 15th c. (early 1400's, her adult life); she was an enclosed "hermit" of strictest type, walled off in a room with but one window opening to the church interior and one window to the outer world where people would come to ask her for prayers and spiritual guidance.

After four years as an anchoress, the Lord called her out of her enclosure, much to her resistance.  He willed her to help reform what already had become lax and disordered, within 100 years of St. Francis and St. Clare's establishment of Franciscan and Poor Clare religious orders).  St. Colette went on to reform and establish 17 Poor Clare monasteries of the Primitive Rule.

Of this I am fairly certain:  The Lord is calling me out of my more traditional, solitary, privately professed evangelical counsels, hermit vocation to reform any religious order or the like!  Not asking me to start again another large, soup kitchen, nor is He asking me to lead parish programs or attain another doctoral degree.  At most, He will have me in whatever way the bishop desires, be incorporated as a diocese hermit or repeat my profession in accord with CL603, or not; and if not, then to do God's will in the hidden ways best for a mystic and victim soul of Jesus, and also, though, to keep writing.  

The content would slightly change, or the format--perhaps a memoire, or small book of the various locutions and messages from the Lord I have received that have universal appeal to anyone's mind, heart, and soul.  Or, could be to write a meditation book including the beautiful photos of the Agnus Dei Gardens from two hermitages ago; or to write of my late spiritual Da and of his correspondence that also could have broader appeal than simply what he taught or wrote privately to me.

In fact, regardless of what the bishop decides (won't be soon, the answer), my written content is going to change, for what the Lord has for me to share and write, is far from the temporal technicalities of canon laws, of the intricacies of what we could describe as external this-and-that of the details of who is what and in what way one may become legitimate if a this or that for so many years and then wants to be something other in some group or community developed years ago or recently in the Church.  

For most persons having a call to any of the consecrated states of life in the Church, one's diocese office of vocations is the proper starting point for lay persons, religious in the diocese, and priests who have a vocational calling or slightly different than original vocational calling.  If already in a religious order and have a further calling to be, such as hermit, or if a brother in a religious order having a call to be a priest, then the go-to person is the religious order Superior.  

Certainly one would not turn to a diocese publicly professed hermit or a traditional, privately professed hermit, for advice in the intricacies of canon laws or Church processes and rules as to how to proceed.  Just go to the person/s whose approved and authorized work and position it is to advise you in your particular circumstances.  Go to the go-to person with authority, and for most, that will be with the diocese vocation director and bishop, or if pertaining to a religious order, then with that religious superior and/or vocation director.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Little children, let us love God in Himself and love one another as God loves us!  Please pray for the souls of all who regardless of why or how, take their own lives.

Catholic Hermit: Heights of Sanctity

This morning I awoke after having slept six hours (a good night!) and in time to drive to morning Mass.  In the past few days I've been striving to build stamina by sitting some, on the counter-height wood chair at counter-height dining table where I've written some thank you notes as well as Mary, Mother of God and Epiphany notes.

This was a first Mass since before spine surgery, and then was difficult due to the increasing pain from the severe stenosis.  While I'm in bed upon return, it is a major victory and blessing to have been able to manage to sit on the upholstered and padded--but firmer than most padding--pews. I'm in the nausea phase of the resultant pain, but I so appreciated being in secure seclusion of the darkened day chapel with remote TV broadcasting the Mass in the large apse and sanctuary of adjoining, immense, structural worship space.

The ecstasy was lighter than most but per usual, deepened with intensity with the Consecration.  The priest's sermon was his usual excellent in spiritual substance and instructive value for the faithful present.  Within the mystical ecstasy during Mass, the body is suspended, but the mind, heart, and spirit are as if deeply immersed in the present moment--beyond description or anything of the temporal world.

I am blessed the Lord grants me this sip of passing over, when my temporal body is able to be at Mass.  And thankfully, this priest has accommodated my mystical experience by having me safely unnoticed in the small day chapel which is otherwise unused, unneeded as overflow seating in the lesser attended weekday Masses.  I am able to come and go unnoticed--save for the church's exterior door "greeter" of whom all those volunteering for these positions are always cheerful and welcoming to all in the Body of Christ who enter for worship.

While Dec. 29th was the 19th anniversary of my hermit profession and vows, I plan to renew my vows as I have done every year except during the 5 1/2 years when living in construction and renovation of Te Deum Hermitage and the deepest aspects of severe physical or temporal stripping the Lord has provided in my life.  

I hope in God to renew my eremitic profession and vows tomorrow while before the altar in the day chapel, if solus Deus allows it to be thus.  Most years a priest would be in attendance--various different priests; but I have come to appreciate Jesus as High Priest in attendance of my soul and my hermit vocation.

Increasingly, perhaps aided in this by the increasing suffering in my life here on earth, my view and inspiration, my goal or striving in this eremitic vocation as a life vehicle by which my temporal and spiritual life can meld in the living out day by day and night by night--has become a heartfelt desire of holiness and virtue rather than externals of living the vocation, or what contemporaries think it out be.  

I have learned over the years and in lived experience, that even priests and bishops have extensive and varying ideas and perceptions in mind of what is a Catholic hermit.  It would be impossible to try to meet with the notions or perceptions of hermit vocation and even purpose, of others in our times.

Rather, I consider the best guides and examples to be Christ, of course, and John the Baptist, various of the Old Testament prophets who were essentially also hermits, and the saintly and holy hermits of the past, whose lives live on along with either their own writings or the writings of others describing their lives and wisdoms learned and passed along to others.  

Essentially, I desire to familiarize all the more and strive in hermit holiness of soul and spirit, in thought and feeling, and in action (and in my case mostly inaction other than the activity of pain), more than words.  The One I seek to please is His Real Presence:  God the Father, Jesus the Son, and the Holy Spirit.  I want to also be pleasing to the Holy Mother of God, Mary, also given the honor of Mother of Hermits.  I want to be pleasing to the angels--my guardian angel and the Archangels, and all the choirs of angels.

The encouraging spark has been recently re-ignited within me, and in thinking of the various hermit saints of whom I've read and have been introduced to in little ways and reminders of those I've met in past years, has been augmented by a section I read not long ago, from The Catechism of the Catholic Church.  While the suggestion may seem slight in emphasis, the point is firm regarding how ordinary people can desire and strive and hope in God for sanctity despite being imperfect sinners.  There is always promise and hope in God's mercy and redemption.

"58  The covenant with Noah remains in force during the times of the Gentiles, until the universal proclamation of the Gospel.  The Bible venerates several great figures among the Gentiles:  Abel the just, the  king-priest Melchizedek--a figure of Christ--and the upright 'Noah, Daniel, and Job.'  Scripture thus expresses the heights of sanctity that can be reached by those who live according to the covenant of Noah, waiting for Christ to 'gather into one the children of God who are scattered abroad.'"

Holiness, to me, seems a worthwhile desire in that the Lord may be pleased and glorified in ways only the Lord may will and grace within our souls and throughout our existence through, with, and in His Real Presence.  

Thus, the distractions that might seem important or tempting as necessary facets of the hermit vocation, the various externals and opinions and notions, one realizes by the grace of the Holy Spirit and in reconnoitering in Scripture and the lives of holy hermits whose lives have been chronicled and proven over the years and centuries, that there is so much more depth and breadth in the spirit of soul than in the external subjectiveness of what even we might think necessary or correct.

I'm praying and praising God for whatever means and ways He may will for the living out of my soul's purpose now and in the unfolding present moments of life lived in this vocation as a Catholic hermit, within the consecrated life of the Church.  God's way, God's will, God's desire for my body, mind, heart, and soul must always be the way of this human being who is also His hermit child.

On a light and humorous ending to this post, someone I've known for nearly 50 years, our lives having woven in and out in unique and unexpected points of phases, sent an email capping off her calendar year.  The emails always include a quote from some famous person, often a literary figure.  This current email's quote struck my funny bone.  Humor:  usually, if not always, a good reminder not to take the temporal tendencies of our imperfect human egos too seriously.

The quote:

"If the law and the facts are against you, pound the table and yell like hell."  ~ Carl Sandburg


God bless His Real Presence in us!  Little children, let us love one another, for God Is Love!

Catholic Hermit: Will Do as Priest Asks

My trepidation is increasing.  I've been praying and also wondering what my dearest Spiritual Da would advise.

Was an unexpected turn-of events when meeting with the lead parish priest this morning.  (He was away when I first approached the parish, to inquire of the priest as to wishes regarding my being at Mass or Communion brought to my hermitage.  The assoc. priest had said have someone bring Communion, and arranged it.  He felt it too problematic and disruptive to have someone with a mystical ecstasy in Mass--and frankly, I thought it wisdom given my experience with how people react, sooner or later.)

But the lead priest said forget the "spiritual leper"--although I explained how relieved I was to have a label that is actually quite excellent and meaningful, and positive.  That is what I am, and so are all my friends in the various and many books I have unpacked and are welcome in Solus Deus Hermitage.

He wants me to come to Mass.  He showed me a room, a "day chapel", in which overflow or I wonder if active children are brought by their parents to that chapel.  There is no Tabernacle there; it has a large screen upon which and through Mass is broadcast from the main church.  I'm so used to being in my hermitage--already deeply bonded with the peace and serenity in this place--and of being in mystical communion with Christ, and of Angel bringing Communion.  True, she will not be able to come the next two weeks, but someone else was going to be assigned to her "route".

I suppose my Spiritual Da would say to go ahead and give it a try.  I mentioned to this priest this morning, that perhaps it has left by now, the mystical ecstasy--or trance as he said, and I was so grateful that he said the word "trance" not in negative way.  Ecstasy is the religious term, but I've read of the other spiritual lepers who were afflicted with this state during Mass, that sometimes it was referred to as a trance.  Altered state could also be a term used; but this is not a situation that could ever be self-induced.  That is a crucial element in discerning.

The priest said that something like this could go on for years, that Teresa of Avila had to contend with it for many years--did not leave her until near her death.

I've set an alarm and will pray for courage to go to morning Mass.  Maybe it is best to see what transpires with a smaller risk, people-wise, than on a weekend Mass.  Plus, I will know more within, sooner, as to if this is God's will, rather than anxiety build the next couple of days.

I did ask if I should bring a little sign--mentioned I used to wear a sign asking people to not be concerned, just "meditating", and later added "Don't call 911."  That has happened in the past, but sad to say, it has occurred even with the sign.  I think the priest quite sincere, and he seems to have a grasp of mystical life and mystics, although he said it is not his spirituality.  

I just pray that God will please protect me from more mishaps, from also people being curious, and my having to go through additional persecution.  Well, it is Lent.  And while I mentioned to the priest that I'm self-conscious and have never liked the thought of people being able to observe what to me is a vulnerable situation, plus interiorly intimate, I guess I need to deal with it again.  He agreed.

Lord, have mercy on my body and soul.  I will do as this adept priest asks, unless something occurs in the night or I am bodily unable to go in the morning.  I've been wondering if my Spiritual Da will be asking Jesus to come pluck me out sometime soon; I've always felt that somehow, the Da and I will be working together at some point, on the other side, for souls!  That is a happy thought!  He liked it when I told him, when I last saw him on earth.

This adept priest did seem to appreciate my predicament, and gave me an encouraging smile and hug as I left--rather dumbstruck by a totally different outcome from the meeting than I ever thought.  I also mentioned I am a hermit of over 18 years, privately professed, and he was pleased with that as he said hermits give much to the Church.  He had forgotten (and he ought with 11,000 parishioners to tend!) that he'd asked me in confession to pray for those in the parish who suffer as they age and are having difficulty finding meaning when they no longer can live their lives as they had.

Well, this nothing Catholic hermit has quelled the doubts as much as humanly possible.  Going through several years of receipts in readying for tax time, indeed is grounding.  And mentioning grounding, I told this priest what my Spiritual Da told me after my avowal and profession service, that he wants me to always keep my personality, to stay grounded--and he didn't need to tell me to keep my sense of humor!  Humor is a precious gift from God to help us through life's "adventures."

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: Holy Communion; Intentions

I've been thinking, yet, about the aspect of which I wrote a couple or so posts back.  It had to do with Holy Communion, and that I realized, rather surprisingly, honestly, that I cannot say I "miss" not receiving the consecrated Host.

This does not mean I do not believe in Holy Communion, the Eucharist, His Real Presence in the consecrated Host.

It has to do with having the experiences of union with Christ in other aspects, through the mystical ecstasy, and of being united with His Real Presence in a way rather indescribably, yet very real.

Ever since those experiences, I have not "missed" nor "yearned" (as I used to yearn) for the Eucharist in a more visceral and tangible way.  There is a very deep bond within, and His Real Presence is "present".  

He is with me, within me, embracing and filling me with His Love.  This occurs even if I am gnarly with suffering, tempted to despair, or out of it with the amount of pain the body is experiencing and the mind and emotions are trying to endure.  That "real presence" of His Real Presence has been even if I have not that frequently consciously noticed or acknowledged, for we do tend to our daily, temporal responsibilities including whatever distractions go along with our daily lives.

But, not "missing" the tangible consecrated Host is quite different than not appreciating or having benefit from, or not being thankful for the Eucharist.

Prior to the mystical experiences, when I'd be ill with suffering and unable to be at Mass, I would yearn for the Eucharist.  And I mean truly, to the full extent of that word "yearn", that I yearned for Christ present in the consecrated Host.

But after experiencing the union with Christ that is so powerful as to suspend my temporal faculties, to not experience any bodily pain when in that state, the bond would be so strong with Christ, that something evidently altered within my mind, heart, and soul.  I cannot explain exactly how.  I cannot explain why.  Nor do I know if it will be this way from here on out while I am on earth, although I suspect so just as my mind, heart, and soul altered when I had the death experience between back surgeries, 30 years ago this past July.  

I suspect the union with Christ during Mass also altered something in my body in some way or other, but I don't know what, other than it was an actual, physical alteration that counters scientific "rules" of normal, or typical, bodily aspects--and all outside the bounds of any human control or possibility of inducing by self or by others.

Yet, I do not miss nor yearn for the ecstasies, either.  In fact, I'd rather not experience them, for what occurred within, within the soul and psyche and heart, has made its indelible mark.  Nothing can erase that mark, that consecration, if you will, that experience of union with God even if lasting only the duration of the Holy Mass, in my case.

Regardless, I know that when I am given the tangible, consecrated Host--the Eucharist--when the couple from the parish are able to come, that the Eucharist does strengthen my body, mind, heart, and spirit in ways I cannot fathom or describe, either.  Just as His Real Presence in us and us in Him in the solitude within, day and night, strengthens us indescribably and in faith.  We are united with one another in the Body of Christ.  We are sustained by His Real Presence in myriad facets.

Here, with the thumb doing amazingly better this morning (I suspect someone's prayer has helped, and God has granted a marvelous improvement that is rather dramatic), I am still unable to rise and do much physically due to the overall suffering going on in the body: physical pain and fatigue from that pain.  I am fairly certain since He reached in night before last with a spiritual dream--out of the blue, as is said--that the continuing time of needing to be at rest is of His will, to bring me back to His will in my thoughts and receptivity spiritually.

So it is that this morning I also saw quite clearly how important are our intentions.  And we cannot even fully judge our own intentions, for we usually want them to be good, and we consider them to be good intentions even if deep down, hidden from our shuttered inward gaze, we think they are good.

They  might be good, or they might not be so purely good as God would will of us.  For that judgment, God is the One Who knows for sure.  

I am praying that He open the shutters of my soul so that I can see my intentions--if I can handle the pain of seeing them--and thus I might be able to at least be honest with myself.  To change my cloudy intentions, mixed with not-so-pure or not-so-good flecks, is possible but only by God's help.  There again, my intentions might be very good that I can change my not-so-good intentions once I see them as such; but to actually purify my intentions takes God's action through the Holy Spirit.

That action would not be so possible if my intentions are not good--if I do not will to have good intentions.

I consider St. Paul who was viciously trying to kill off as many Christians as possible, for he considered it to be a travesty against God from Paul's strong Jewish faith perspective.  Yet there obviously was something good in Paul's intention--misdirected and misguided thought it be--for God saw within Paul's soul and knew the man was doing wrong due to misunderstanding and twisted perception.  Even when trying to rid out Christians, Paul was doing so thinking he was honoring God by preserving Judaism as he was convinced Jesus was not the Messiah.

Anyway, I saw an article about Jeffrey Dahmer, the serial killer; and I thought about a spiritual friend's husband who is very controlling to a point of being emotionally and in some ways mentally ill in how he thrives on manipulating, bullying, and controlling his wife.  And I realize that if the psychological ills of a Dahmer or a bully are stripped away, as God can see through and in the depths of any darkness with His Light, the intentions of the persons might not be so heinously bad.

We just don't know.  Ultimately we have their actions--the bad fruit of their ill psyches--to contend with, just as we have our own thoughts and actions to contend with in any given present moment or accumulated over time.  I can consider the man who a week ago tomorrow morning took 26 human lives out of this world and then his own.  If all the mental illness and hate and his choosing to turn from God are stripped away, what is in that soul of his?

God knows, and surely we all will know fully and purely, without any self-deception or psychological blockage or illness, when we have our judgment when we, too, die from life in this world.

In the meantime, I'm seeing the great need to pray for and strive to seek to see my own intentions, and to be given the graces necessary to altar any intentions that are not good, and to pray for God to perfect my intentions to goodness and to His glory, yet while I am in my body.  It is myself who causes any hindrances to more pure intentions, even if I cannot see the cause or the hindrances.

And I also see the great need to not judge other people's intentions, for in so many cases, we see the bad fruit that falls, or even the bruises on the fruit that clouds and even obscures seeing within minds, hearts, and especially souls.  And this goes for ourselves, as well.

I'm not suggesting that people, including ourselves, should not face consequences for our actions; but a pure heart, mind, and soul is hard to come by in this life, in anyone.  Might not even be possible, given our human condition and that we are so capable of even tiny missteps and our propensity to not be able to clearly see and judge our own intentions.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit Reacts to Stern Warning

Last week in one of the daily Mass Gospel readings, this nothing--this consecrated, Catholic hermit, reacted to the impact of what Jesus said about what happens to those who look to what is behind us.  I revisit it today, considering the coming impact of a level 4 hurricane about to strike the southeast coast of this country...after having pummeled the already bereft island peoples of Haiti.

Yes, in all my years as a Christian, a Bible-reading and believing lover and follower of Jesus Christ, somehow I did not experience the impact of consequences of which Jesus Himself warns.  To think we will not be fit for the Kingdom of God if we look back to what is left behind us--painful, blunt consequence!

I have been reflecting this past week on how much time, emotions, energy, and thought I've wasted over the years, looking to the past, regretting choices made, hesitating over taking new steps, or missing what I had in "easier" phases of life.

It is not always tangible things that we've left behind, but it is more the intangibles that can hinder us from following Christ into the unknown-to-us paths into what He wills for our future destinies.  It is the great unknowns of what He has in store for us, for our purpose in His will and desires for us, that looking back will keep us from His Kingdom.

Well, I suppose I should not dwell much on looking back on how much I've looked back!  But it is amazing to me that this simple admonition from Jesus, laying out the consequence for looking back when we've already agreed either consciously or subconsciously, to follow Him into whatever next step on whichever path He chooses--that it is so easy to not realize the grave impact of looking back.

I want to be fit for the Kingdom of God!  Yet I admit I lack the discipline, it certainly seems, to keep my focus on what is next, what He chooses for me as purpose for His glory.  I'm yet soul-searching for the determination to simply keep going, to keep my outer and inner vision upon the unknowns of what is next, in great faith that Christ will lead me into greater charity, for sure.

Well, here is the scripture of which I'm referring.  Then I want to share something that has occurred, that I admit threw me off and had me looking back at my 21 years in Catholicism.

Luke  9:62:

"Jesus answered him, 'No one who sets a hand to the plow and looks to what was left behind is fit for the Kingdom of God.'"

Nearly two weeks ago, I was thrilled and gloating with joy that a man at the parish had actually offered to help me install the microwave above the stove.  He drove here but realized it was not simply a matter of lifting the microwave onto a shelf.  Yet, he talked a bit and offered any of his tools that I might need in the work efforts on the hermitage and also said he'd return once I got the mounting metal strip on the wall and a couple holes drilled in the cabinet above.

But by the next Saturday evening Mass, afterward, the man's demeanor had shifted.  I sensed it but per usual, told myself that I should not trust what was probably just imagination.  (I tend to do this a lot, as I hate to face negative realities and always try to give benefit of the doubt.  I prefer to turn on myself and negate the inner sight rather than to trust it, time and again.)  

So yesterday, with weather in the morning (and pain) keeping me from exterior caulking and ladder climbing, I decided to tackle the microwave mounting strip, hole-drilling, and figuring out how to change the fan motor for interior venting.  It did not take long to learn how to do these little tasks, although I had a toggle bolt break so need to purchase another--stronger one with longer "wings" as the drywall holes are a bit compromised from removing the broken toggle.

Yet, I was so close to finishing the preparation and needing the man to come (as he had said he would) to just lift the microwave up to the mounting plate and holding it steady while I screwed in the bolts from the cabinet above, that I called the man.  (He'd left his phone number for me when he was here, so encouraging and willing to help.)

Sure enough, though, my senses were correct from the past weekend Mass.  The man said he was not available to lift the microwave.  In fact, he said that this kind of thing is not "his thing", which seemed odd since he'd told me he owns several properties in the area, has a vast "shop" of tools, and manages his various properties.

Of course, I figure he wants nothing to do with me due to the mystical state that occurs during Mass.  There is an additional chance that he also was overwhelmed with the amount of work yet to be done here, but I had assured him this is a vast improvement with over three years of efforts and progress behind me.

Regardless, the man is not going to help by taking fifteen minutes to come and lift the microwave; and I am certain the offer to borrow tools or to come to his home shop to see his tools as he'd offered, is an offer of the past, left behind, no longer on the"table."  It is rather amazing that this occurred after last weekend's Mass Gospel of Lazarus needing help, a drop of water, a bit of food--and the rich man was unwilling and later sorely regretted his refusal to assist someone in need.

Well, I admit I've been struggling again about why the Lord called me into the Catholic Church because the "fruit" has not been all that "good" from my perspective.  The other day I'd made a heart-felt plea to God to please bring back my son, to stop the one-sided estrangement, to heal his upset and anger over my becoming a Catholic and his following suit, as he was a young boy then and looked to me as a trusted guide in his life.  He lost his Catholic faith at the Catholic university he attended, of which I sorely regret...looking back.

He has upset and anger over the various situations I've encountered with various priests and people who were into some serious wrong-doings that I tended to sense and be shown through inner sight.  Yes, it was right for these wrongs to be exposed, and I was thanked by other priests and a bishop for doing so, and by people who were ill-effected; but others resented it and feared for their own skeletons, I suppose.  And that is what others have surmised who have seen the resulting persecution.

Anyway, I got an email response from my son, and he is hopeful for a reconciliation.  He mentioned his points of upset and the difficulty getting beyond them.  I have no idea the timeline, but at least it is the most hopeful response I've had in several years of little to no contact.  And then then right after that the pathetic and ridiculous response from the male parishioner with a complete change of heart and mind on the tiny act of kindness previously proffered.  

Do we think the devil is involved?  As some say, "D'ya think?"

I did call the parish administrator who by the literal grace of God trusts me and seems to have a sense that I am a genuine person, a mystic, yes, but otherwise a seeker of Christ, a sinner, yet a good person with a sense of humor but also a body-full of pain.  Her husband and son will come this Sunday to lift the microwave while I bolt it into place....

I broached the looking back I've been doing, and of the years as a Protestant, and how the culture is different, somehow, between Catholic people and Protestant people.  But, alas, we did agree that my situation at Mass causes people to judge and form opinions, for it is a rare mystical phenomenon, and my raggedly circumstances complete with an awful haircut, lend to a rather bizarre effect, no doubt!

I mentioned that sometimes I wonder if the Lord would as soon I just find an evangelical church where I could worship, as the ecstasies do not occur other than in a Catholic Mass.  Thus, I could better live my double life outside the Catholic church, for there would be no ecstasy, and while still a mystic as that is a life-long effect that one is born with (or not)--I am fairly practiced all these years in being socialized as otherwise normal.

But the parish administrator thought better to just keep going to Mass, and perhaps over time the regularity of my presence would help others realize that I am genuine, intelligent, and even a fun person albeit with a different kind of spiritual construct.  

We also discussed that I have increasingly noticed the kind and loving priest is extremely awkward with me, so I will let him know not to worry, I will not attempt to greet him nor shake his hand after Mass, as parishioners line up to do so.  He is fine with the others and even has brief conversation, but when this nothing approaches, he quickly says my name and turns immediately to the person behind me in line.  It has been awhile since I was even able to rush out a "The Mass was lovely!" comment.  

I do understand how difficult it is for others when there is something different occurring.  The priest has been most kindly compared to some who were threatened by what they feared I could see within them, or others simply not grasping the mystical, assuming otherwise, doubting, analyzing, and whatever else.  Yes, this priest is doing better than most.  

Ah, again, don't look back....  Today and tomorrow, amazing and surprising things can occur, will occur, when the hand is not only on the plow and eyes gazing forward, but when the hand is in His Hand, being led forth.

True, it's not good for the people to form opinions and react according to their own conclusions, but it is also not good for me, either.  It causes me to look back, to be distracted from my hand on the plow and of following Christ today and tomorrow.  It causes me to look back to my years as a Protestant and to feel the differences, although I suppose if something unusual happened in a Protestant service, maybe they'd be wary, also.  

I only know personally that in one Protestant church I was in, the people learned to appreciate and utilize some of the spiritual gifts, such as when I'd be shown someone ill or in trouble, and could forewarn or help in various ways.  They considered it "psychic" as "mystic" is not a familiar "type" in the Protestant realm.  And I rather think that is a good thing, frankly.  It seems to be a point of confusion and judgment for Catholics, and that is not so beneficial based upon "past" and what seems to be now current experience.

And all of this is a lot of looking back, even right now, and it is not gaining me the Kingdom of God, nor will looking back on anything left behind, help in achieving Heaven.

Today is the memorial of St. Bruno the Carthusian.  He set his sights on following Christ, knowing at some point in future time when it seemed best, he and his handful of friends were going to leave Cologne, Germany and the mess being made in the secular church in that time period (circa 1084) with a bishop who was green with envy of Bruno's gifted teaching skills and popularity as a priest and professor.

Yes, Bruno and his friends one evening discussed their plights, confounded in the mess of the secular church at that time in their circumstances, and determined to leave when they could in order to seek solitude and freedom to follow Christ and find union with God by living the Gospels sans corruption.
The time came one day, and they left for the farthest reaches of the French Alps.  

The first winter they were guests of a Benedictine monastery, but they determined this was not going to be the atmosphere and life they were seeking.  Too many distractions there, not going to provide the stairway to heaven they were seeking.  So onward they trekked, come spring; and they found a location in the Alps so difficult to reach but so close to heaven, that to this day, Carthusians are there praying in great silence and focus upon today and tomorrow.

Hands to the plow, not looking back, Bruno and this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit are pals now, and I'm going to head out to the ladders with caulk gun, paint roller, and brush.  Not going to look back on what was, what might have been, what was left behind, for often enough my view in retrospect is blurred by thinking it was better and more promising that what it was...or what it would be now.  

Besides, now is where Jesus has me, here, requiring steadiness of hand on the plow and eye upon Jesus with trusted anticipation of the unknowns to which He leads.  Thusly He promises fitness into the Kingdom of God.

God knows I have not fit in much elsewhere!  Dare I hope to be fit for the Kingdom of God?

I pray that part of His plan for me will be getting this work load accomplished, or else some means out of it, and to not be so financially strapped so that I can lead by example and help others lift microwaves, lend tools, teach them how to do maintenance tasks, take some meals to those tired or sick with pain.  Who knows but Jesus where the yet-untilled row will lead, what purpose He has in store for us?

Catholic Hermit: Mass--Oh Wow!

This nothing consecrated Catholic hermit returned to the parish last Saturday evening for the vigil Mass.  I arrived early with the desire to enjoy and receive the cleansing Sacrament of Reconciliation (aka confession!).

The priest asked my name, his eyes searching within trying to remember and make the connection.  Oh, yes--I was the one who had called and left message to receive the Anointing of the Sick (another marvelous Sacrament) and also a hermitage blessing.

Then he explained.  The past week had been inundating with difficulty settling in.  Dr. H. and some priests in the past have mentioned that I read people quite well.  This priest did not need to say much more, but he chose to.  He shared what an old priest once told him when he faced his first parish change as a young priest.  "It is like starting a new family, all over."

And I added, "Yes, and the family is mostly adults who are well-entrenched in their habits and ways...."

The priest laughed and agreed.  We each knew.  I from my experiences as first a lay person and then as a consecrated Catholic hermit; he as a life-long Catholic--a seminarian and then a priest.  I also knew from the times I had attempted going to the parish prior to this priest's blessed arrival.  The parishioners were not accustomed to having a priest preaching homilies of substance and decent length, and on the Scriptures.  They were not used to leadership nor an interactive, kindly, friendly, loving, vocation-suited priest who likes to teach how to apply the Gospels to everyday life.

Regardless, suggested he provide the Anointing right then and there.  We agreed the Sacrament was foremost, and the hermitage blessing could occur at some later date.  (Now I'm thinking perhaps sooner than later, though!)  In this Sacrament, he reminded that not only would the Holy Spirit strengthen the body and mind and emotions, but it also was a strong defense against the devil--all types of oppression, discouragement, depression, and attacks.

Great!  It was reassuring to learn that the Lord had sent a priest who is focused on the Church and the spiritual life.

After the Anointing, the priest said he was appreciative to have a hermit whose eremitic vocation was steeped in prayer.  And I assured him that I would pray all the more for him and for the parish.  I also mentioned to him that I realized the mystical state during Mass had caused some issues among the parishioners, subtly but obvious, the week before.  It is to be expected but not necessary....  And the experience while nothing I have done or can do, either way--I do realize it is different, not the norm.  Yet it is as it is; and there are benefits to others and myself.

However, I added that if he had any questions now or in future, to please simply ask me. I would answer honestly and directly.  And, if the parishioners were awkward or turned to gossip, criticism, judging, or misunderstanding, they could approach and ask, as well.  But he assured me that everyone is welcome in the parish, and that we are all "different" in some way or other.  

The Mass was GLORIOUS.  Deeper than the week before, longer. I do recall, as I always recall anything that is mentioned of the temporal unless a spiritual message that I'm to remember--that he spoke of perseverance.  He gave a temporal example of parishioners during a summer position when he was in seminary.  His weekday Mass homily (sermon) was longer than what the people were used to or liked.  Some man kept calling out, "Too long!  Too long!"  

But the priest,persevered with what he had to share and teach.  Later, the man who kept interrupting and saying, "Too long!  Too long!" approached the priest and told him he was just trying to "encourage" him.  The lesson was not only in persevering with the Lord and one's work for the Lord, but also that we each have our own perspectives and ideas of what is helpful or not.

Before and after Mass, this hermit smiled at the parishioners prior to entering and then when leaving the church.  After, I even spoke to anyone who would allow eye contact:  "Hope you have a wonderful week!"  Only one parishioner spoke; she was at a table for sign-ups to have photos taken for a church picture directory.  (Great--the priest was implementing that good and basic step to increase parish family cohesion!)

I asked if the table would be there next week.  Hmm, I have been praying if a hermit would have its photo taken for a parish directory.  I'm not inclined.  It is not that the parishioners know I am a consecrated hermit, not that it matters if they do or don't.  It is that somehow, I am not keen on my photo being taken, somehow, and identified.  

I don't mind my name listed in the directory, just simply a name and phone number or such; I am a member, after all.  But I also am aware that people might keep up the identity which is not really me, and that is:  Oh, that is the person who seems deeply asleep during Mass, or the one who has an ecstasy during Mass, or the one who fakes a mystical state during Mass.  My identity is not in some mystical phenomenon.  My identity is being a child of God, a member of the Body of Christ.

The Lord has not fully answered my query on this minute topic, photo or no photo.  He surely knows that all my life I have not enjoyed having my photo taken.  I'm not sure why.  Perhaps because I am awkward or never felt as if I fit into my body?  That I am a genderless soul and have this borrowed body for this earthly time period--I have felt that for years and years.  It is not a vanity thing or a shame in my appearance, for the Lord has given me an attractive appearance--even if now the arduous life style has added years of wrinkles to my face.

I like to be more hidden, not so conscious of the outer.  I love for people to get to know the inner, and for that, being photographed is all about outer appearances.  I tend not to notice so much the outer appearances of others, unless something of their inner stands out, or something is not quite in syncopation with their inner.  Hard to explain. But I do notice the outer, and I love to tell people how beautiful when they are, for that is the soul shining through--the kind of beautiful I comment upon.

Regardless of the minutiae aside regarding a hermit having a photo in the church directory--the Mass was life-sustaining!  I did not realize just how much I missed not being able to be temporally and mystically present at Mass!  And these days, an hour or so of no physical pain (selfishly!) refreshes my body and gives my mind and heart a respite from suffering.  Thank you, His Real Presence, for loving me like this!  

Hearing the spiritual of the Mass, each Living Word and then being subsumed into bliss during the Consecration of the Host, has me desiring for the next Mass, and the next.  

But we are sent out, to take the portion of union with God with us, out into the world, or for a hermit, into stricter separation from the world in the silence of solitude, to pray, praise God, and to do penance.  And we have His Real Presence through us, with us, in us, and His Living Word whenever we choose to read or recall Scriptures.

As for any Mass being "too long, too long!"--I wrote in the little thank you to the priest that his Masses are never too long. The Mass is the Stairway to Heaven.  Who would want that access truncated?

As for if the priest later on still has the loving attitude that I am always welcome and he'd never suggest I not be there, we will see.  After some of what I've endured in the past, and of how the devil operates in trying to interfere, create doubts, bring tension, I will take it one oh-wow Mass at a time.  It's just such a supreme joy to have a priest celebrating a glorious, licit, Living-Word-based Mass!  The more spiritual and holy the celebration of the Mass, and the more loving the soul of the celebrant, the deeper the mystical ecstasy!

I will return.  Only God has the right to pluck me out through physical inability to be there or through death, or in the unusual case of the past couple of years, my spiritual father/director told me due to some circumstances, not to return until the Lord brought a different priest.  Otherwise, from now on,  as best as I can have faith and courage, I'll be run out by the devil.

But the Mass--oh wow!  Been strengthened in ways I'd forgotten, from the Sacrament of Anointing of the Sick, Sacrament of Reconciliation, and beyond all else, by the Mass, the Mass!

Bastardization of a Mass

The title pretty much explains what occurred during Mass.  The good Lord allowed a begging hermit to be released to leave the debacle.  When a priest does not have a vocation in priesthood but instead in theater and the arts, the result is not good when one is trying to perform in what is not the vocation.

This hermit's body has returned to the hermitage to pray, suffer, and pray some more, then praise His Real Presence.  There needs to be praise, always, for the sorrows can be overwhelming.

Will discuss the situation with the spiritual father.  For now, recollect oneself in prayer and shake off the horror, the hell, of the effects of this morning's Mass situation.  The sacrifice of being mercifully wrenched from a hellish situation part way through is offered for the salvation of this poor nothing consecrated Catholic hermit's soul and whatever the Lord wills of its mission in time remaining on earth.

Jesus bequeaths us His peace, not hell--especially not during Mass.

Would it do any good to talk with the one who surely must be trying to at least fulfill the rudimentary aspects as it relates to doing a "job"?  No.  Best to just pray and to keep working, and to embrace the exile the Lord has allowed for yet another year.

God bless His Real Presence in us, and that includes His Real Presence in all of us, despite confusing our callings or taking up what seems the route that provides some kind of security in order to express what and in which our nature and heart are more gifted.

This hermit will ponder these matters and reflect upon its own vocation and calling, and strive to fulfill living it in a way pleasing to the Lord.  That will be perhaps the best prayer in the circumstances.  Mystical ecstasies during Mass are not always bliss.  Being in such a state allows for a very deep sensing and showing at various levels.  When good, then bliss; when not so good, then hell.

At least this hermit tried and tried its best.  To soothe the criticism of any potential blog readers who like to attack, this hermit can say it is the hermit's fault, all of it.  And, in some regards, yes, we are to suffer in union with Jesus, all things.

One thing is certain regarding mystical experiences.  There is much suffering and responsibility, and always abject honesty in truth, along with the joy.  When in mystical ecstasy, it is all reality and all truth; nothing is obscured.

Catholic Hermit: To Attempt or Not

Am praying up to the last possible moment before needing to rise from mattress, dress, and drive the distance to Mass, then face sitting another hour or more.  And, this is after a particularly grueling pain siege lasting a couple or more days.  This nothing consecrated Catholic hermit is yet a bit too pained but pushed itself yesterday to do a bit more exterior painting.

This morning's chapter of Hebrews is 7, and this for the friend who recently turned 88.  The hermit is daily offering reading and praying the Letter to the Hebrews, the Living Word of God, with also a daily prayer intention for the friend:  a spiritual gift.  Yes, the spiritual gift is being offered; but the friend is a spiritual gift to the hermit, as well.  Today's intention is the Holy Spirit's gift of counsel.

Counsel, as the gift of the Spirit, is that of making right judgments, right decisions, within the will of God and pertaining to all of the soul's existence in body, mind, and heart--relating to life in this temporal world as well as life in His Real Presence.  Counsel has to do with right decisions regarding all that one does, says, thinks and prays.

This morning the hermit does not want to go to Mass.  Why?  The answer has sifted down to these two points:  physical pain will increase as a result of driving and then added sitting during Mass; and the horror that can be and is likely, to be trapped in a type of hell when in ecstasy but the priest's tendency to intrude into the glory of the Mass with unhealthy or disturbing aspects.

Rather than go into the latter, in depth, the hermit understands the various facets of how this occurs, when it occurs, during Mass.  It takes a great submission and dying to self to endure when there are aspects of the beauty of Mass so tainted and disturbed.  The hermit's spiritual father in the past has said to try to allow oneself to be crucified, for the Lord certainly is when such intrusions occur within the Mass, especially caused by a priest or allowed by a priest, at the altar or lectern.

But the hermit wonders if the Lord also asks this hermit to voluntarily do that which is going to cause more physical pain later, from the driving and sitting, particularly when still recovering from a physical crucifixion-type pain siege?

Perhaps it is best to find out.  After all, this consecrated Catholic Hermit has tended to cast the nets int he water, time and again, to discern God's will.  Either the nets will come up empty, partly full, or full. Perhaps, also, this is how we Christians learn to cooperate with the gift of counsel, of trying to learn right judgment and to find out what the Lord wills for each of us, individually and as His Body.

The hermit certainly needs much grace in every present moment.  That is for sure.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit Ponders Living Word

Today's first Scripture reading of Mass is from Ephesians 4.  This hermit is reflecting upon these verses, as they seem to illuminate the hermit's on-going desire to grasp why the mystical ecstasy during any Mass.

"And He gave some as Apostles, others as prophets,
others as evangelists, others as pastors and teachers,
to equip the holy ones for the work of ministry,
for building up the Body of Christ,
until we all attain to the unity of faith
and knowledge of the Son of God, to mature manhood,
to the extent of the full stature of Christ."

It seems that the Living Word is speaking to all of us, and to this hidden, imperfect, struggling, consecrated Catholic hermit, as a child of God and a Christian, to consider that the mystical ecstasy--a sign of sorts during Mass--is for the purpose of building up the Body of Christ.  Some such as the spiritual father, a late bishop, a noted clinical psychologist, and other Christians, have called it a gift.

Gifts are graces given by His Real Presence in order to, yes, build up the Body of Christ.  They build up the person experiencing the grace; but they also and perhaps more so are intended so that others are built up in Christ.  Why and for what purpose?  So that we all attain to the unity of faith and knowledge of the Son of God--to our mature manhood, to the extent of the full stature of Christ.

That is what we are to seek and to attain in our temporal and spiritual lives.  As for how a mystical ecstasy might help build up the Body of Christ, it does signal the power of the Mass and very much is a reminder that there is far more to our world and existences than the temporal aspects of daily life, of our being alive, in interactions, and perhaps especially in the temporal aspects of the Church.  

There, in the Mass we discover the stairway to heaven.  We find the ever-breathing, pulsing, live encounter in His Real Presence in all of this life and especially in the celebration of the Mass.  There, in the true presence of His Real Presence, we are to pass through from the temporal and tangible to the spiritual and mystical encounter with and be subsumed into His Real Presence in the eternal, mystical reality.

We each are given graces, gifts. Most will not have mystical ecstasies in our lifetimes.  Most will have graces more tangible to the vast temporal world in which we live; but that is not to discount the value of the mystical reality and existence of the spiritual realm of which, once we leave this temporal world physically, will become a "world" and existence fully and totally mystical reality. 

Let us avail ourselves to be conduits for our God-bequeathed, God-breathed graces, these gifts, to be used to build up the Body of Christ and to bring all of us to mature manhood to the extent of the full stature of Christ.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Little children, let us love one another as we love God, for God Is Love!

Catholic Hermit: A Bit About Mystical Ecstasy

Went to Mass last Sunday--and what was to be the most crowded was thankfully not all that full.  People later remarked it was about half the usual attendance.  Something else of the world going on, they said; the people went to the other weekend Masses.

The spiritual father had suggested this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit sit with the family who had suggested it be in the pew with them, to avert possible concern or misunderstood touching leading to injuries.  So the hermit did that despite not really wanting to be in a crowded situation.  Must die to self.  Must.

Dying to self is not easy.  This hermit thinks it has come to some aspect of dying to self only to discover there are many more aspects yet to death and dying.

Per the past seven years during any Mass in any parish, no matter what, the ecstasy began in full swoop during the first reading of the Living Word of God.  Inklings begin at the very onset of Mass, however.  But the total removal of all physical faculties occurs when the first Scripture reading commences.

During the homily, there was an intrusion by the priest.  It was most uncomfortable--just something termporal that tells a lot about the personality or needs of the priest, thus temporal, thus not bliss.  It is good to reflect upon this own hermit's life and moments spent, day and night.  The temporal does not equate with spiritual bliss, does it?  No, and that is probably a huge part of the cross we humans bear, for we are human and temporal although dying to seek and acquire His love, His enraptured bliss--even if we do not realize this is our desire.  

Often, the temporal distracts us from the reality of our desire for His Real Presence to consume us, to subsume us into His Real Presence.  Those who are distracted and taken over by evil more and more, lose yet more opportunity to encounter His bliss.  But it is not impossible.  With God, of course, all things are possible.

However, this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit has considered that perhaps His Real Presence does not intend to let it know why this ecstasy continues to occur during Mass and only during Mass.  And there is no mistaking it for anything else.  All other has been tested, even to painful injury, even by psychological review, and perhaps the least in some aspects, by a Catholic bishop determining it is of God.

Yet this hermit has asked once more, of His Real Presence, "Why?  What is the point?"  For, it has already been told what is the point for its own self.  He has said early on, This is how I am loving you!
By now, though, it would seem it should not keep occurring, for the hermit has accepted His love and appreciates His love.  And, granted, the ecstasy is beyond comparison to any other mystical experience this side of death and heaven.  

No priest nor bishop questioning the hermit has been able to relate.  One asked, "Does your heart kind of flutter"?  It is far beyond the heart fluttering, so there was no sense in trying to describe what is rather indescribable, much as one can try.  Dr. H. perhaps grasps the closest to anyone, since he is adept and experienced in various forms of the paranormal; he has studied and interviewed and worked with those who have a variety of experiences--not all spiritual, of course.  And there is a difference between spiritual and mystical experiences and psychic experiences.

Regardless, while this hermit ponders that surely there must be something other, something more that His Real Presence desires from this mystical ecstasy during Mass, it may simply be a reminder to all of us of the power of the Mass, and of all seven sacraments as well as the power of His Living Word, in every Mass, from beginning to end, including processional music.  

Plus, about four years ago the hermit was given the insight that His Real Presence notices the lack of devotion and elevation of love for all the Sacraments and His Word--and to raise our devotion and love for all of Him to the level of our love and devotion of His Body and Blood.  This is not to say that we devalue His Body and Blood; but it is true that often we do not devote ourselves or avail ourselves of the other sacraments, and we can tend to not pay attention to His LIVING WORD!

Perhaps there is something more to this gift that the hermit must continue to share with others, such as Dr. H. had suggested awhile ago.  Perhaps there are some healing qualities for others in the Mass, for the amount of power and love of God that flows in such a force during a mystical ecstasy, is, again, beyond description.

Today this hermit could not attend Mass.  It has been trying to paint the exterior of the house, and being up on ladders, tediously painting tiny spaces between siding shingles, brushing carefully the trim paint in tidy lines, and then doing it all a second coat, did cause an increase in pain.  Two days this past week, the hermit could not rise from the mattress on the floor; this morning was one of them.

So the hermit prayed, read the Living Word for this Sunday's Mass readings, left a message on the family's phone with whom it would sit, and began reading the Letter to the Hebrews as a spiritual prayer gift for a friend who turned 88 today.  Each day for 13 days, the hermit will pray/read a chapter from Hebrews and email a specific prayer intention relative to the person's life, relationship with family, friends, and His Real Presence.  Then, later in the day, will email a reflection based on the chapter of Christ's Word, as it relates to the person and the prayer intention.  Fun!

The hermit just finished a birthday spiritual gift for its cousin--pray/reading 1 and 2 Thessalonians in like format, with daily intentions.  The cousin is Protestant and wary of things Catholic; the hermit made sure she knew this was not some Catholic devotion.  In the past, the cousin has asked about such things, for there is a friend where she lives who is Catholic.  Again, the cousin is wary of all things Catholic.  We must be considerate and sensitive.  Bias is often inbred environmentally from an early age; it is as if the person cannot help it.

For some people, such as those turning 90 or some milestone birthday, the hermit has offered daily Psalms--each from a decade of the person's life and each with a specific prayer intention covering each of the person's lived decade of life.  It is good to ponder what types of situations the person may have or actually did live in that decade, such as a Psalm in the 20's for that decade in years, or one in the 90's for that decade.  The Holy Spirit never fails to have a connection!  The Psalm spiritual gift is especially good for those not Catholic or if Catholic perhaps not as into reading the Bible.  Most all Christians are familiar with some Psalms, and they are shorter in some cases, than a Bible chapter.

Anyway, the above is an aside from the topic of mystical ecstasies.  This consecrated Catholic hermit has had to research in often times old books, but written by experts in the field or by renowned spiritual directors or scholars, of other centuries.  Plus reading the experiences of other mystics, now deceased but verified as not hysterics, has been helpful.  The truth is, there is much ignorance about dealing with such matter or recognizing the symptoms of such an experience.  And, it really does not much good seeking opinions from nor reading what those who have never experienced nor have intimately known anyone who has experienced an actual mystical ecstasy.  These folks are dealing with guesswork when it comes to expounding, not that it matters other than if you are one who begins to experience a mystical ecstasy.

A couple of the many books this hermit has found most helpful has been one titled Mystical Phenomena Compared with their Human and Diabolical Counterfeits: A Treatise on Mystical Theology....by Most Rev. Albert Farges, trans. from French in 1926.  [The Catholic hermit recommends the complete version, not the shortened excerpted Chapter X now in paperback.]  Another solid but shorter, excellent coverage of the topic is by the late mystical scholar of Cambridge University's David Knowles: What Is Mysticism?  

On another aside, this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit has considered that the children of the family it sat with last Sunday, are pre-teen and teen in age.  This is an age of extreme self-consciousness and desire to distance from anything different or embarrassing.  So although the hermit has not had occasion to speak with its director again, and considering the hermit most likely has more pain in morning than later in day, it might be best to not sit with the family in sensitivity to the children; and to attend the Saturday evening Mass.  

Perhaps the retired fireman and his wife would sit with the hermit, or better, just the simple sign.  Dr. H. has not returned the call yet, seeking his advice on potential other aspect of purpose in the ecstasy, but it sometimes takes him a couple or more weeks. He is in demand and very busy with his practice.  Dr. H. tends also to be very practical, so his insights always lend themselves to what the spiritual father has to say--who humbly and wisely always honestly says he really does not know.  Yes, he has been the only cleric who has had the wisdom to say he has never known of anything like this, but he has read of it, and most important, he knows this hermit's soul over a long period of time.

If any of this helps others, great.  While there may not be those who have experienced mystical ecstasy, it is quite different than contemplation or contemplative prayer.  Mystical ecstasy is a definite and powerful loss of all physical senses and faculties.  A person in ecstasy could be injured and not feel it during the ecstasy, or someone could try to lift the person or make the limbs move, to no avail.  The pulse is barely discernible, the breathing nearly non-existent in a physical way.

Yes, it is as close to the hermit's documented death experience between back surgeries 28 years ago this summer, as anything the hermit could describe.  But it still is not like the death experience--just close to it.  The death experience is total bliss with no intrusions...unless as in the hermit's case, one is sent back into the body to live out its time on this temporal earth and fulfill its mission.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  God so loves us, little children, and asks us to love one another!