Catholic Hermit: Letters from the Spiritual Da

In this time of waiting on the Lord, waiting for what is next, for any message or signal, or not, or not yet, I was going to attempt reading the pile of letters I've saved over the years, from my dearest Spiritual Da.

I wonder if I will ever be able to read through one without weeping, or make through two (and am just at the last note card sent and a short sheet of aged handwriting on his trademark, yellow, legal notebook-size ledger paper.  (He always wrote out his homilies:  fresh.  He was an "Order of the Present Moment" priest.  Lived in the present moment.  He studied Scripture anew with each day, formulating by the grace of the Holy Spirit, his homilies--not lengthy but short, pithy, inspired by God and the angels and saints.

The sisters at the dying out convent (many had lost their founder's charism before he arrived: August, 1991--a last chaplain for them because he was wise as a serpent and quiet as a dove) would doze or hold in priest-envy and resentment; their leadership team and others led other-lives of joining in league with other angry religious sisters, convinced they'd be priestesses and change the Church for the better.

But the Spiritual Da would endure, non-phased, wistfully comment on rare occasion that he wondered why it was that more and more were dying off and no one joining.  He gave them the benefit of the doubt--explaining to me that in some ways, their angry feminism and new age-ideologies were not all their fault because they were told by various priests at the time of Vatican II, that the Church was going to allow them all to become priestesses, and radical changes would transpire.  So they had their hopes up, and what they hoped for did not occur.  They found their purpose after they came back to the motherhouse in retirement, in doing as many older people do in retirement:  try to find relevance in the world.  

Of course, we may wonder why religious sisters would not seek relevance as always, in Christ.  But we may not have been promised things that one wonders why they so desired, anyway.  As I used to consider even prior to my conversion to Catholicism--what more power could a person want than to emulate the Virgin Mary!  Who can deny that Mary, the Mother of God and Mother of the Church, does not show us not only to her son, but to all the graces and power that love in her Son, Jesus Christ bestows on those who grasp Mary's blessedness. 

Well, I can't begin to write of all the aspects of which the Spiritual Da lived, taught, loved, preached, and provided all the Sacraments that a holy priest in Holy Orders is imbued to bestow upon the faithful!  And consider a saintly priest--the glory is compounded exponentially like the multitudinous stars in the universe.

As to how I was so blessed to meet the Spiritual Da, and he become my dearest Spiritual Da--too much for me to relate at this point.  There were marvelous and holy sisters at that convent--a faction of them praying for the others, with the Da being there for those who grasped their innate purpose and the power of Mary entrusting them with her dispensing of spiritual graces.  Yes, many a saintly sister buried in that convent cemetery, along with an archbishop and priest-founder.  The best of times, until the end times for that community.  The Spiritual Da remained steadfast there for the last  28 years of his life, passing at 99 years. 3 months, 11 days.

He'd not at all like me to mention what befell many of the sisters in the community's later years.  Yes, there were those holy sisters there who are saints in heaven, without doubt.  I recall several, and the others I know had their own life and spiritual and inner reasons for straying from the narrow path.  The jury is yet out on me, that is for sure.

Well, I'm obviously not ready to read through the pile of letters from my Spiritual Da. I have no idea what happened to the lengthy letters I'd type out or write long-hand.  He always wrote long-hand; and just his handwriting causes tears to threaten once more.  But I said aloud after I started to look at a third note, that I know he wants me to be happy, to not grieve. 

I apologized yet again for not having written in one of the last months of his life.  I had not been given the two he sent me; and I'd had to up and leave where I was staying and take a long drive to go elsewhere, and wait there while yet trying to find a place for relocating, for procuring a dwelling place, to begin again, in what now is Solus Deus Hermitage.  But no excuses!  I said that aloud to the Dearest Spiritual Da!  I recognize I was trying to detach, to let go, for the last time I saw him was painful, and difficult.  I did not do as I wished, not said as I wished; so tonight I apologized again for all that!  Time and distance of the temporal certainly informs perspective, improving it; and if fortunate, reality and honesty will shine through and not a perspective tainted with self-deception.

This was the final note.  Perhaps writing it, sharing it in my anonymous blog (the Lord knows I intended it to be anonymous, but the devil does tend to disrupt our intentions), will help me see them as not still full of his DNA and of how he is with God, and I remain here--with God, yes, but we all know what I mean.  I miss him very much, yet I knew it was time for him to leave me to it in this life.  He had hung on longer than he'd have liked, and was weary.  I do feel as if I abandoned him--a silly thought, I suppose, and nothing he'd want me to be sad about, for he'd not want to return  from his blessedness in Heaven.  I'd not want him to leave that for anything, for there is nothing here necessary.  What a victory, the Spiritual Da has won--hard-earned and long-deserved.

Dear [N--I will use here "nothing", one of my favorite appellations],

Happy New Year.  I pray that the coming year will bring you good health and the right medicine.  

I am comfortable and doing fairly well.  I spend most of the day in bed except to go to Mass in a wheelchair.  I don't write much and don't read except the newspaper.

N:  I wonder what are your plans for the future.  I hope you find a few good books and keep in touch with the supernatural. 

I find it hard to pray.  I tire so easily.

God love you, [N].
Really, you belong to God.
You are a saint.

~Father

So simple, so sweet, so the last note ever from my Dearest Spiritual Da.

Dearest Da, 

I'm struggling with the book-reading.  I have unpacked nearly all the marvelous, rare, exceptional, Catholic book collection and have three on the bed beside me:  Garrigou-Lagrange's Three Ages of the Interior Life,  Bruno de Jesus Maria's  Life of San Juan de la Cruz, and Three Mystics, edited by Bruno de JM, as well.  I see I have two others on the bed with me: Merton's The Last of the Fathers (about St. Bernard), and St. Bernard's Sermon of the Song of Songs, Vol 1.

No, I've not finished any of them, but I've begun yet another book sent me by the John of the Cross scholar and renowned expert, the prof I had for the course in Avila, Spain.  I know you remember all the escapades I was so blessed to experience after my mother passed--even if my pain disrupted some.

I've not done much--in bed most of the time here, too.  I am fatigued much from pain, but did start to prime a room upstairs that is dedicated to the saints:  The Saints' Room.  Your and all the priests' room I finished last spring prior to the spine surgery.  I also finished the Angels' Room nearly a year ago.  Still have to get closet doors fitted and hung, and the entry doors to the room cut and hinged and so forth.  You know all this, here in spirit.

So you also know the reason I decided to try to read your letters tonight--and that I cannot manage to get through them due to emotions I was not expecting.  Still grieving--but not maybe that so much as missing your talking with me, the laughs, the incredible spiritual conversations as well as our talk of the Church and all her fluctuations but ever flowing until the end of time on earth, then Christ's Church forever in heaven.

I need you to give me some indication of my dilemma, the crossroads or choice I sense the Lord is asking of me.  I know on earth what you advised and would yet, no doubt; but now you see from the fullness of Christ's Light.  You know more the "lay of the land," and can guide me if God allows and wills, from your perch.  I'm asking John of the Cross, too, for somehow he seems to be the focus of the books I'm actually reading.  Yes, I have a few good books to read!  Slow, but reading a little!

God Bless His Real Presence in you, dearest Spiritual Da.
Love in His Love,

[Nothing]

P. S.  Looking forward to being there with you.  Thanks, BTW, for arranging for Fr. M at the parish accepting the mystical ecstasy (that I figure you fully understand now so any help with that--please!), and thanks for arranging for the hermit-priest director, who I think is trying to come up for air as I've come to this crossroads type decision to make, a choice, I suppose which includes, of course, a non-decision.  He's not used to me.  Ha ha!  Help him out, if God wills!  Had to laugh, when I met him and after a short while, he said as you used to say:  "I've never met anyone like you!  Different, but in a very good way!"  I even told him how you used to say that and similar.  I did not go into the bulk of the mystical stuff.  No need to, or so I feel.  Just too much, it is.  People can't deal with it.  

Catholic Hermit: Major Discernment of the Lord's Will

Was so refreshing and blessed reading more of John of the Cross' purpose, knowledge, and symbolization.  He wanted in his life what my heart desires.  A thrill to discover our shared hopes in God and desires of our hearts, across the centuries but a thought-flash and moment right here, his friendship and mentoring with all but my seeing him in temporal vision.

I want to share more of his understanding of memory, and of his ideals and desires for his raison d'etre, but I will read more tomorrow.  For now I've been pondering much other, and texting far too lengthy of thoughts to the spiritual father.  I suspect he does not know me well enough yet, to be praying for my deeper thoughts and the discernment--I think the outcome of the confessor having me pray for a week about my vocation!

When we pray, things happen!

Dr. H. called, and also commented in amazement at my ability to text lengthy and deeply expressed messages.  I laughed and told him to just "delete", for I write rapidly, and the writing is--as he termed it, "like an out of body experience."  Well, that is his phrase; mine is more that the Lord lifts me out of my body, out of the pained body, and the thoughts flow. However, I acknowledged that people need to delete if they wish, for I consider myself rude for writing with abandon even if what I am writing might be of some help or worth--not of me, of course, but the Holy Spirit who can be inspiring if I am myself out of the way.

What is an answer to my own prayer of a desire, if God willed, of course, is that Dr. H. would understand what I was expressing in some texts today, to him, explaining why in my situation, my odd little mystic victim soul situation, that God has never suggested He would take away the pain but rather has given it to me for a purpose--His purpose--and I have in some levels and dimensions, including at times in the temporal, agreed to the suffering He's offered me and asked of me to bear in this temporal life.

We talked of many things spiritual then, on the phone this evening, and he also was grateful for the research I did on the writer who took a positive aspect of the focus of love and positive thoughts, but bastardized it essentially by commercializing it, selling, as it were, a chance to have a miracle or one's "wish" granted.  I wrote of this in a previous blog, so won't repeat.  This was validation of my long-held inner sense of Dr. H's humility, intelligence, and unconditional love of others.  He is an extraordinary clinical psychologist, adept in the supernatural, but knowing me has been a bit of a different experience, as it is turning out.  Yet he grasps what is most difficult for most people to grasp, or people who cannot absorb the other-worldly aspects of what seems natural to me, or more real than what is anything real in this realm.

So, he is still part of  my earthly, spiritual experience and a friend in deed.  And for some of his clients, what I can share of the mystical life and the life of prayer and suffering and of Christ's reality, he can utilize in whatever ways he needs to filter or re-word for the benefit of the many people he helps who are in a whole array of temporal, psychological, physical, suffering, mental, and emotional "jams."

All is well, and all shall be well.  ~ St. Julian of Norwich

As for the Consecrated Life of the Church and the trend of Catholic hermits in the Consecrated Life of the Church, while the privately professed hermits and the publicly professed hermits are included, or in the negation "set" of stating, neither are excluded.  I did some research, and have done so in the actuality of the temporal world, and that in this case means the temporal Catholic world.  The trend is definitely in the direction of hermits seeming legitimized and credible, made authentic, if they are seen as "approved."  The term "canonical approval" has been used extensively, and is noted; and of course humans, always will gravitate toward and feel secure with that which is deemed "legal" or by "canon law."

There is rarely a time in society when trends have shifted, once laws are created.  Even in the U.S. Constitution, regarding the Roe v. Wade abortion law and issue, some aspects of that law will not likely change; all that can occur is through some state law adjustments or attempts, and these are often then overturned by higher courts.  However, public education can occur, and prayers are powerful, and prayerful vigils outside abortion clinics have proven miraculously successful, with even Planned Parenthood directors or employees of abortion clinics, having conversion experiences.  The woman at the center of Roe v. Wade Supreme Court battle, later converted to Catholicism, in fact.

So I am praying for the Lord to show me what He wills of me.  Since the tides are turning and perhaps already shifted to diocese hermits becoming the "orange is the new black" of hermit profession and hermit vocation, my director and I are considering God's will.  My director texted back a question, but I cannot answer as discernment, prayer, and listening is needed until the Lord makes clear to me what He wills in the matter.

It has even come to thought that perhaps the Lord is asking of me what He asked of various hermits in history, and that is to leave the hermit vocation for something other He needs and wants, something of greater purpose in His plan that never involves just us--but involves the entire world, the universe, the other side of souls in purgatory, as well.  Always, God's plan involves the salvation of souls and to redound in His glory, all of God's creation, and of His Son, and through the Holy Spirit.

My director texted at one point the suggestion of just having the bishop approve me.  Well, that would solve the nitpicking and the frustrations of the one diocese hermit...possibly.  I suspect there would be more bullying and attacks, more contrariness and discrediting, more detraction and other negative labels the person would crown me with.  (I'm laughing, as it is likely, as some souls simply have trouble with the concept of sharing with others: air, proximity, cyberspace, kindnesses, life, Christ.  Some due to an unrecognized inner lack, have a need to feel superior, sometimes at others' detriment.

That aspect does not bother me in the least.  It would be marvelous to release what might be at least the major issue the person finds so upsetting--that of privately professed Catholic hermits not sharing in or being part of the Consecrated Life of the Church.  And that trend, I recognize, is becoming ipso facto, the way forward.  Canon law and public profession will trump and replace in time, private profession.  I must kiss the tried and true of the historical, traditional way of the hermits, good-bye.  Societal norms have always been swayed by externals, and if a hermit in our times desires the graces and spiritually beneficial aspects of being, so to speak, at the "table of blessings of the Consecrated Life", then one must go the way of the canon law 603, to remove the shell of the lobster to be able to eat the delectable flesh.

If I want to be included at the table, if I want or need lobster.  Only God knows.  Of course, as I mentioned to my spiritual father, I'd choose heaven over the Consecrated Life of the Church.  But I do not know if God is asking me to choose between the two--not yet.  But I do recognize that the way of the privately professed hermit is overruled by changing times and canon law, which one can justify that for whatever reasons, the bishops wanted more control over these persons who are called by God to the solitary religious life, to the hermit vocation.

Perhaps there were some privately professed, traditional, historical hermits who were molesting children in their cells, or hermit huts.  Perhaps there were hermits begging for alms and using it for booze or drugs.  Maybe there were hermits doing bizarre things like claiming to be the reincarnation of Elijah, or writing books filled with heresies.  It is all within the realm of possibility, as people do the darnedest things.  Consider the plight of the mentally ill to consider, who cannot help themselves, but are not necessarily going to be successful in a challenging vocation such as can be the hermit life for many if not most people.

Whatever the bishops' reasons for creating a canon law that is changing the terrain of hermit vocation, creating a legal aspect that the privately professed eremitic path did not and will not now have, we must consider the winds of change, and putting spittle on the finger and holding it up, the winds say there will be increasingly, if not at some point sooner than later, only publicly professed, CL603 Catholic hermits, and for them only a place at the table of the Consecrated Life of the Church.

One can remain on the path of the past, good as it was, but one can be a realist and a calculated risk taker, and consider the benefits of being included at that table of which many may never realize that it is not for the succulent lobster drenched in melted butter, but for the mystical, unseen, spiritual considerations of what I read has been, or used to be what the consecrated life meant for Catholic hermits who did not even think in terms of private or public profession until the canon law defined public profession.

And again, I do realize it was for some reason--even if not felt necessary by all in the hierarchy who make such decisions--bishops, canon lawyers, and the like.  Perhaps even a contingent of hermits who desired some type of designation or regulatory safety net for the vocation.  So why not "go along to get along"?  I'm asking the Lord what He wills of me.  He will answer.  He always does, in some form or fashion.  What I was told in locution in vision in 2011--I think it was--may not be what He wants today.  How do I know that, again, He may be calling me forth as He has done in past hermits over the centuries, for some greater purpose--or at least in His Sight--preferred purpose of His Will in the Order of the Present Moment?

Regardless, my heart flutters a bit with the beauty of the following description of what it is to be consecrated, as in the Consecrated Life of the Church--which was the topic of the following excerpt.  It is not meant to be considered literally; such as, the martyrdom mentioned is not necessarily a loss of physical life, as in earthly death.  But rather, the sacrifice can be such as Catholic hermits--and if one must get with the program, so to speak, in order to be individuals are sacrificing themselves to and in Christ to be a living sign of Christ and His Church--such as hermits are to be--then together in unity in the consecrated life of the Church, perhaps more an offering and greater results for humanity and Christ, than not in unity.

Thus, if private profession is not "by law", and going "by law" is of course going to predominate compared to even the inference of "not legal" of which "illegitimate" carries yet more negative implication, then hermits practicably ought consider going with the flow and become hermits "by law."  If in future centuries, the law is negated, which I realize given secular laws' precedence, is not likely to happen, but if it were such as prohibition was repealed, then those hermits can return to the "old ways" of hermits quietly living their vocations (private profession) to an absolute ideal.

Well, read this and appreciate how desirable and delectable is the interior worth of precious consecrated life in the Church, regardless any of the outer trimmings that might appeal to some more than others who are always seeking something more.

The choice of an absolute ideal, and an offering of self to God and the service of others, is a source of meaning which humanizes and is a gift of self to humanity.  For this reason, persons consecrated to a single ideal, which does not pass away, are living signs of those transcendent values for which a person lives and even dies.  In our day there is no lack of persons who have followed Christ to the point of sacrificing their life, rendering through their martyrdom a sign which is the supreme proof of love."

Please pray for me and my spiritual father, as I know my late, dearest spiritual Da is here with me, also going to assist and advise for he sees now in the Light of Christ in Heaven.  The Lord will make clear, what He will for me in this discernment which has three major facets:  hermit, victim soul, mystic.  All three, or two, or if one and hermit, then become "by law" a hermit with the bishop.  My spiritual father suggested that as if quite a simple solution.  Just have the bishop come and receive my vows and profession of the counsels.  Yet, I need the Lord to be clear, as the reality of His previous messages of the past--perhaps pertaining to that specific bishop in that diocese, as that was the one shown to me in the vision--or perhaps that message remains firm.  Oh well!  Pray. listen, discern.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  

Catholic Hermit: God's Safety Net

One aspect that came to mind following posting the previous regarding my discerning God's will and where He seems to be guiding me, and of my presumptuousness in wanting to understand His way with me, at least--is that there is always a safety net.

On this eve of St. Padre Pio's feast day and 52nd anniversary of his earthly passing, I sense the build-up of the suffering aspect of my vocation.  Tomorrow I will renew my vow of suffering.  I've not had easy access to it until more unpacked in Solus Deus Hermitage.

And as to my going deeper, if this is the accurate understanding of God's way with my life at this juncture point, an answer to my prayers for fulfilling my mission, I am reminded that there is always a safety net.  

If I am discerning incorrectly and the pruning and plucking that has been going on is not God's way of bringing me to reality of what others came, such as St. Bernard and Padre Pio in full abandonment to God and in living their vocations to what some may consider a deeper mode, then God will in some way let me know.  He will have my guardian angel lead me otherwise, or there will be some signal or shift in situations and direction.

The spiritual friend with whom I was discussing what I think God is asking of me, wanting of me, in deep calling unto deep, said when I pointed out that I've not had any signal such as some of the others have had--that the signal from God, the affirmation might come later.

I'm praying for courage and strength to fully cooperate with a deep dive into God in Himself.  All the love will then flow from God through me in prayer and whatever else.  Already I've had a text from a woman who had asked for prayers for her grandson, Tate--the teen who has leukemia and lost mobility in his hands and legs.  He is a gifted cellist; his progress is quite slow, he sleeps a lot, but he is trying his best!  

See?  This is more where I can be of good use and not have my own personal flaws and flukes be a hindrance or annoyance to those in the active world where God wills them as is their mission and purpose to be there and thus.

I'm totally available to and for others; but I'm seeking after God. 

I'll find out, at least.  Take the plunge.  Find out what is in the deeper of the depths of God.  Perhaps I will all the better be able to pray for others!

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: Some Sense of Things

The sinus pressure and vertigo is still a problem.  While I'd like to be able to continue with some manual labor, the fatigue remains.  I did get a too-stiffened brush to the pole barn and into a glass jar of paint thinner.  It has been a month since I've used it; normally keep it moist in foil so can re-use it without each time having to clean it.

Wrote another letter to my spiritual father--this one more concise than an earlier one, and more direct in asking him for insights in what I mapped out of this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit's "next phase."  Of course, the next phase begins in the next present moment; but the sense of things remains to take more shape as I continue to rest and wait for the Lord to lift the sinus pressure as well as my energy level.  Need far more energy to continue the manual labor so as to finish here and sell.  I'd hoped to be done by now--but November was lost to pain sieges and February and into March with this illness.

Last night I used some frozen tomatoes from autumn gleaning of garden; I added what is near the end of rice and used the last can of black beans.  With some garlic and oil, and some cheese thawed from freezer, it was a delicious meal that was repeated this lunch.  The frugality and clearing out of the pantry, freezer--God is providing a type of "good work" necessary as I will not have to rid out some staple foods, later, when moving on.

The sense that has come to me in these more "mindful" days (not the fog that has been for the past three weeks), is that of God directing my path and giving me this time period of mostly inactivity to absorb and adapt at least mentally and emotionally to what is unfolding as His plan forthwith.  Yet more signals from God in the form of communications from people and situations, help me recognize and accept.

People are sorting themselves out in terms of who is a spiritually able contact with whom I can be more "myself" even if they are not mystics.  Then there are those contacts with whom I must remain strictly and briefly in temporal arena; these do not grasp nor want to (even if they've seemed to be able to cope in past).  For these latter persons, the Lord through various means including the persons themselves have shown they are not comfortable with a mystic although even the term alludes them.  Or sometimes if they are familiar with the term mystic, they cannot grasp that this person they know is one, and to be able to tolerate and accept the different way of being and perceiving from how they do.

Reviewing and reflecting upon the various contacts I have--mostly those who contact me for I am here for whomever the Lord brings in whatever format--has been most helpful.  Clarity of the "groupings" emerges more so each day this Lent.  It has been specific, actually.  And this is helpful for the persons who are going to be contacts regardless, such as some family members and long-time friends who would not fully remove themselves until my or their deaths.  I know how to switch into their modality of understanding and communication, although I must admit it is "work"!  It takes a lot of energy, focus, and creative mirroring to converse and interact on the rare occasion there might be an in-person visit.  Email and a phone call, even if rare, must be kept to the more temporal (yet loving, of course) aspects of their lives and their needs. 

It may seem odd that a consecrated Catholic hermit ought even consider altering the approach and essential being for certain persons. Yet, the outcome the Lord has been showing me in vivid detail and magnified in number this Lent, helps me know why this is best for these others.  I can grasp their lives because for so much of my earlier life had to be lived in their "world", so to speak.  Then I did not even realize what a mystic is, nor did I grasp at all that others were not perceiving the same.  So I did not understand and mostly did not have to, why some looks or comments or even humor from others.  And, in the earlier years of anyone's life, much is standardized and normalized within one's family, school, activities, and for some church, that all partake in and keep us busy.  When young, many of us are surrounded by those who live with us, love us, and grow up accepting because they are so used to us always having been as we are.  Yet always there is the sense in a mystic of some other aspects within, even if we blindly assume others sense the same.

Besides people sifting and sorting into groupings (none set in concrete, of course, but for the most part remain intact), and the ways in which I must adapt myself in the contacts when they do occur, the Lord is showing me a yet more defined path in my hermit vocation, with the goals broadening such as I've tried previously to express.  The broadening involves all aspects re-examining and embracing areas such as praying, viewing temporal and spiritual events, persons, things, the Trinity, and the virtues especially the theological-- faith, hope, and love.  Especially love.

Viewing yet another film on St. Hildegarde de Bingen and various other films that grapple with mostly issues of love in the human spirit--quite helpful and insightful.  Our guidance from God comes, as I've mentioned, in innumerable facets both temporal, tangible, spiritual, numinous.

Within Hildegarde's monastery, there were many styles and ways of the individual sisters' living out their vocations.  Yes, they are all "religious sisters" of the Benedictine Order; but even so, the Lord formed and led them in their uniquely individual forms and ways that He willed for them.  So it is, increasingly with my life as a consecrated Catholic hermit.  And the major acceptance I must make is to embrace the Lord's will--not what I may think or have noticed of other hermits' lives of the past or otherwise nor of what or how others are following their vocations as they, too, are being guided by the Lord and their respective spiritual directors.

Whatever unfolds, the Lord allows to flow unless we balk, or try some other way.  The balking is worth noting, for balking hinders as much as trying some other way than what the Lord has opened up for us.  He most often opens up for us through situations; it is not all that often that a spiritual director has a definite "way" but also is inspired through situations. And the situations are considered through the true lens of prayer--prayer of the hermit and prayer of the spiritual director and prayer of others who are close either on this earth or on the other side.

I do enlist the aide and ask the prayers of those on the other side, in heaven and also in purgatory.  These souls are immeasurably helpful, willing, able, loving, and true.

I've wanted to be able to dig around the book boxes in the pole barn, as I've desired to read some letters written by St. Teresa of Avila.  I don't have anything specific in mind from what I want to gather from her letters; perhaps it is that I want to be with her more closely in taking in her words of practicality with much faith and love of God.  Rather, though, the Lord has provided these films online of Hildegarde--two films (one foreign) and a documentary; and this is from one online source of films.  I'm sure there are others.  

I have the sense of things regarding Hildegarde that the three films are sufficient in what I absorbed of the translations and words of those interviewed.  More, now, is allowing the Holy Spirit and Hildegarde herself to give me insights and inspiration as to the way in which my life as a contemporary mystic and consecrated Catholic hermit must flow now and each moment after whether on this earth or not....

While I get tempted to frustration in knowing there is so much work yet to finish this hermitage and get it sold, and best time of year to sell is nigh upon us and the family member wants repayment sooner than later, the lingering illness that so fatigues me is as God wills.  He is working out the sense of things within my mind, heart, and soul--and I know, too, in my body.  His will be done on earth as it is in Heaven!

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit, the Lord Answers

It is not often that this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit has a phone conversation with my spiritual father.  But not long ago, he called.  Among other aspects, I reported that in his letter he'd said to get the house done and get to my writing.

"So what should I write?" I asked.  "What genre--one of the book ideas or keep writing on my blog?"

I added that between tending the gardens and trying to make progress on this place, and praying and trying to do spiritual reading, plus with pain fatigue, I did not have seemingly the energy or focus to write much of length.

He said he was not savvy with technology--computers, internet, and so forth.  But whatever it is--a blog or whatever I can write--to just keep writing!

So I have.  I have continued with the blog writing despite not knowing if what I am writing is helpful to anyone in particular.  I try to go with God's flow and the Order of the Present Moment.  I share personal experience as a Catholic hermit, privately professed, a member of the Body of Christ and in accordance with the institutes of the Church and the United States Bishops, an eremitic in the Consecrated Life of the Church.

Yes, my hermit life has its growth phases.  Physical pain does seem to interfere with energy level, and thus my daily horarium is more a "momentarium"--whatever of each present moment the Lord allows as well as what my body, mind, heart, and spirit can do, think, feel, and aspire!

But I have been writing on this blog, not knowing if that is what the Lord desires for now yet very much knowing He understands implicitly and explicitly my temporal and spiritual circumstances.  He knows I am doing my mortal, imperfect best.

The blog views have increased amazingly, setting records for views.  Who knows if the views equate with people reading through the posts?  Who knows if those who do read through are benefitting in any way?  Only God knows.  But I figure this is the genre to continue with for now, or the level of readership would not be increasing to this degree, nor would there be an increase in the number of countries of which the viewership derives.

Often in life, we do not have a means of knowing even with basic tools, the fruit of our efforts.  I do not have a specific statistical means for this blog but rather have chosen a very basic modality which simply offers an overview of posts viewed, countries of readership, and search engines used. 

The variety of countries represented by you dear readers--well, it is a source of more prayers from me to you and for you, plus for your countries.  I discover new places on this earth, such as recently the island of Mauritius.  It is fascinating that also, recently, Russia has exceeded viewership over the United States.  The Lord is expanding my window to the world to people and places I might not otherwise think about! 

Perhaps it would be better to not have any such means of knowing, but Google includes this with the blog site and thus it is as it is.  I accept it as a gift--a means of discernment in writing as well as a well-spring of prayer intentions.

Maybe for no other reason that to discern that yes, the Lord is showing me  since I asked my spiritual father what I should write--the blog statistics are a blessing to help me know to just keep writing, and to keep writing the blog...for now.

Perhaps if I am able at some point, if the Lord wills, writing other than a blog, such as writing a small book or a larger one--the Lord will let me know in some way or another.  This is how He operates within our lives.  He always lets us know.  Had the readership fallen off instead of surging ahead rather dramatically, I would now be trying my best to write even a short book despite not having access to camera or undistracted capability to better focus on something of lengthier magnitude.

So this works.  Blog-writing fits the present moment circumstances. I can't say that it is all that great of writing, not super-quality, but it is from the heart and what I can manage at this phase of my temporal, spiritual, hermit-lived life.  And most of all, regarding what to write for now:  the Lord answered.

God bless His Real Presence in all of us, little children, as we remember to love one another as Jesus loves each of us and all of us, no matter what.

A Hermit's Solitude

"Your light has come, the glory of the Lord shines upon you." (Is 60:1)

It may seem far-flung faith to think it, but it seems His Real Presence is curtailing this consecrated hermit's interaction with others to nearly nil.  There are two occurrences which give the clues.

One is the family member who so desired and influenced the hermit's move to the area in which they had moved.  Even if the husband were to get another job some day, they said they would stay in the area.  Now, of course, a new job is needed, and they so hope to move elsewhere.

Thus, I have pondered on this reality; and I do pray that they are able to move where they'd prefer being, as it turns out.  I don't blame them.  It was unrealistic for me to consider such a promise as viably realistic.  Things happen.  
So that is one clue:  The Lord is arranging for this hermit to be without family contact in a more actual, lived way.  In time of extreme illness or need of assistance, or a place to go if power is out or a break from what seemed already far more solitude and silence than in past location: being able to travel to what I call "civilization" has been wonderful.  So we are simply heading into a phase in which that option and luxury is likely not going to be the case.  Of course, we do not know for sure, yet.  But it is their desire and of benefit financially, personally, emotionally, for them to return to where they had lived previously.

"Your light has come, the glory of the Lord shines upon you."

This hermit's upper-level, spinal headache continues.  Pain medication and additional Excedrin do not kick it out; but for a brief time (such as now), it is lessened and am able think a bit to express thoughts.  I cannot blame the cabinet combat, as that is going to be resolved even if it might take awhile. Don the cabinet employee is coming with Jerry the company rep (who has had yet another surgery but will be back to work) to take photographs and to assess if the cabinets can be remedied of the increasingly unfolding flaws.  No longer is this a battle but a more positive working together to get the problems solved: not stressful now.

I also cannot blame the dwindling finances as a super stress.  Yesterday in the mail came (finally!) the mortgage company's revised monthly payment.  This hermit's low income qualified for some relief.  There is also a refund check for overages, and that will help with the monthly money drain for a couple months.  More time to keep working on the place before having to bail.  What an uplift!  God provides!

"Your light has come, the glory of the Lord shines upon you."

Then came an extraneous thought.  A couple weeks ago this hermit ran out of vitamin B-6 supplement.  Doctors have recommended various higher doses of certain vitamins to help the body replenish.  Chronic pain which is at high levels, even with pain relievers, can strip the brain of various chemicals which help combat pain--seratonin, dopamine, endorphins, etc.  I had decided not to purchase more B-6 due to financial considerations but also thinking surely would not make much bodily difference.

But perhaps it has!  Researched B-6, as had forgotten specifics as to why I was taking more than what we usually need or receive in our daily diet and multi-vitamin.  Discovered that B-6 helps increase seratonin levels and improves nerve health, and lack results in headache among other symptoms.  With the refund check as a boost to financial hope, B-6 will come in a week.  Might take a couple weeks of taking it to know if it helps.  Somehow, given the inner thought of it yesterday, I think it will.

Regardless, with the increased spinal headache, the mind and emotions have been erratic with pain!  This hermit had become un-done, of sorts.  Part of the contact with others, few though they be, was online.  Yet increasingly, what I would write on a social media site linked with some family and personal friends, became not so fruitful.  The words and thoughts were not who I am nor He Who I need to represent.  

"Your light has come, the glory of the Lord shines upon you."

And all the more, I noticed that others' posts and photographs were not at all anything relating to the reality of how I live, think, perceive, feel.  Not just with a life of high-level physical pain--also, spiritually, I am on a different wave-length; and vocationally am in a less-relatable position than what most others are, as well.  

The situation was not particularly reflecting good fruit within me for them, nor was it producing good fruit for me.  It was just kind of neutral to negative.  Yes, I could fake it and not be myself (although with the spinal headaches--not so possible); but the whole thing came down to realizing neutral-to-negative is not positive.

So off that online connection with a few others.  That is the second situation which mercifully curtails my wandering off into "the world" even if a "screened" world of internet, and a sub-world within that world known as FaceBook,  and a tiny group of friends in that sub-world, at that.  The spiritual contacts--we correspond or speak via telephone from time to time.

These are but two of the adjustments that this hermit must accept and cooperate fully.  In each situation, I had considered pushing my way through and gripping on to those more worldly bits of human contact and dependency.  Do you know how many of the many FB "friends" want to keep up with the more spiritual contact and exchanges?  One!  

Dear friends in Christ Jesus, not many folks out there in the active life are that interested in the musings and spiritual perspectives of a nothing consecrated Catholic hermit!  If you are a hermit of any stripe or pattern, this truth is a humbling and necessary reality. 

"Your light has come, the glory of the Lord shines around you."

Onward.  The family member suggested I sell this place, my Te Deum Hermitage, "as is," and move with them, live with them.  Such a loving offer!  But I am weary of moving and even now (and most often) in way too much pain to consider it; and the greatest reason for declining is that whatever next, the Lord is going to need to make the "whatever" quite clear.   

If the body totally gives out, that is clear.  If the money is totally gone, that is clear.  If various older, prayerful friends think it a wise decision, that helps make it clear.  If my spiritual father think it God's will, that helps make it clear.  If God tells me in wisely discerned dream, vision, locution--that is clear.

"Your light has come, the glory of the Lord shines around you."

As to the social media curtailment, at first this hermit thought to keep writing authentically from within this "place" as hermit, as mystic, as suffering servant.  Give those out in the world with active careers and families and social events and picture-perfect photos of home, hearth, travels and pain-free perspectives--a glimpse of something other.  Give them a reminder of the spiritual, of His Real Presence active and working in our daily lives, in our pain, in our trials, in our hopes.

All that did was to cause those others to feel uncomfortable, to be concerned that this friend (me!) of whom most of the friends and relatives do not quite grasp what is a mystic and what is a consecrated hermit--had finally "lost it"!  Best to just let it go.  "Deactivate" is the term--after posting an explanation I'd no longer be attempting that mode of contact.  Any of the FB "friends" are free to personally email or phone call.  I extended that sincere invitation.  

Social media is the way of the active world's present moment; and it is convenient and simple and savvy.  Even of the religiously bent, such sites leave little room for other than brief Christian quotes--platitudes, seem prevalent. But for this hermit, here now, that genre, that modality, is not to be, at least for now and perhaps not for the earthly duration.  

A hermit's solitude is formed by God, directed by God, and He knows just when, what, and how much to progress a hermit into more solitude so that solitude in Him will be always sweet, embraceable, and understandable as distinctly and clearly coming from Him.

"Your light has come, the glory of the Lord shines upon you."

This is true for all God's children, actually.  He always guides and forms and gradually progresses our souls by affecting aspects of our lives.  For some, their work, family and life activities and involvements include increased activity and communication with others--less solitude.  For others it might be an enforced change of job, housing, and need to relocate.

When these situations occur without our making it happen of ourselves, we can appreciate how God is at work in us--not us pushing our way upon the world and those in it, not by our "calling the shots."

Had this hermit just decided to cut off from family or cut off from a few online contacts, it would be my sole doing and out of some self-motive or emotion.   When His Real Presence hones my circumstances with aspects beyond my control or envisioning them in the first place (contrary to my own notions of what would be good or purposeful and within His will) the whole effect is changed from forcing and battling--to humbly accepting and beginning to see God's point and purpose.

"Your light has come, the glory of the Lord shines upon you."

And His point and purpose can change in our lives, as we progress from phase to phase, no matter our vocations and circumstances.  Perhaps He will have this hermit live with family or near them again.  Sometimes, yes, the curtailments and honing are just to see if we will humbly accept and cooperate....

For now, this spinal headachy, consecrated hermit is accepting the deeper degree of solitude.  Faith is being stretched, for sure.

And have you noticed that I do not repeat "Catholic"--as in consecrated "Catholic" hermit?  This is another evolvement.  Perhaps I'll write more in explanation or perhaps not.  The essence is that the soul is expanding beyond minds' connotation and denotation of the word, capitalized: Catholic.  

The shift has nothing to do with being or not being a "Catholic" as in church designation.  It is more subtle, more within, more His Real Presence, more Christ and Christian; and it flows into a truer reality of the following-of-Christ-Head-and-Body rather than the tangible and temporal attributes associated with a word such as "Catholic."

It does not mean that this hermit is not "Catholic" as in Catholic Church confirmed and avowed, for I am. Nor does it mean that this hermit is associated with some other term applied to some other church denomination.  It has to do with treading with Christ and those other followers of Christ who climbed the stairway to heaven in Christendom's history and who reached that tread in the stairs which steps beyond what a term means in the mind or the temporal world.  

For those of you who kind of grasp this--good for you!  For those who do not--that is all right, as well.

"Your light has come, the glory of the Lord shines upon you."

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Let us love one another, little children; and let us love God above all else!

Catholic Hermit: To Attempt or Not

Am praying up to the last possible moment before needing to rise from mattress, dress, and drive the distance to Mass, then face sitting another hour or more.  And, this is after a particularly grueling pain siege lasting a couple or more days.  This nothing consecrated Catholic hermit is yet a bit too pained but pushed itself yesterday to do a bit more exterior painting.

This morning's chapter of Hebrews is 7, and this for the friend who recently turned 88.  The hermit is daily offering reading and praying the Letter to the Hebrews, the Living Word of God, with also a daily prayer intention for the friend:  a spiritual gift.  Yes, the spiritual gift is being offered; but the friend is a spiritual gift to the hermit, as well.  Today's intention is the Holy Spirit's gift of counsel.

Counsel, as the gift of the Spirit, is that of making right judgments, right decisions, within the will of God and pertaining to all of the soul's existence in body, mind, and heart--relating to life in this temporal world as well as life in His Real Presence.  Counsel has to do with right decisions regarding all that one does, says, thinks and prays.

This morning the hermit does not want to go to Mass.  Why?  The answer has sifted down to these two points:  physical pain will increase as a result of driving and then added sitting during Mass; and the horror that can be and is likely, to be trapped in a type of hell when in ecstasy but the priest's tendency to intrude into the glory of the Mass with unhealthy or disturbing aspects.

Rather than go into the latter, in depth, the hermit understands the various facets of how this occurs, when it occurs, during Mass.  It takes a great submission and dying to self to endure when there are aspects of the beauty of Mass so tainted and disturbed.  The hermit's spiritual father in the past has said to try to allow oneself to be crucified, for the Lord certainly is when such intrusions occur within the Mass, especially caused by a priest or allowed by a priest, at the altar or lectern.

But the hermit wonders if the Lord also asks this hermit to voluntarily do that which is going to cause more physical pain later, from the driving and sitting, particularly when still recovering from a physical crucifixion-type pain siege?

Perhaps it is best to find out.  After all, this consecrated Catholic Hermit has tended to cast the nets int he water, time and again, to discern God's will.  Either the nets will come up empty, partly full, or full. Perhaps, also, this is how we Christians learn to cooperate with the gift of counsel, of trying to learn right judgment and to find out what the Lord wills for each of us, individually and as His Body.

The hermit certainly needs much grace in every present moment.  That is for sure.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Dear God in Heaven....

The past three weekends have been praying more specifically if am to attempt physical return to Mass.  For two weekends had pain sieges so was laid out on this mattress on hermitage floor.  This weekend, however, there was no physical obstacle.  In fact, the hermit's helper's father said he would be at the Sat. evening Mass; the hermit felt more secure in attempting this.

Could not locate the little sign that in a previous diocese, was recommended to help others hopefully not touch, not call 911, so that the hermit would not be injured by those not realizing the situation of a spiritual ecstasy, a mystical phenomenon, or what this hermit has come to term "the state during Mass."  

However, since the hermit has not been physically to Mass for a good long while, it decided to not keep looking for the little sign, as surely by now the state would not happen.  And, why even give any aspect of the psyche any hint or reminder, such as having the sign at hand?  Rather, forget about it and assume it was over and done.  After all, after reading more of Teresa of Avila's personal experience with the like, she found that when she no longer feared having her body and faculties taken into union with God, her ecstasies ceased.

This consecrated Catholic hermit has no longer feared the ecstatic state for some time.  In fact, the hermit has been seemingly neglectful of a lot of spiritual reading lately, ever since the young helper started coming for three hours each morning, weekdays, to help--other than when the hermit has too much pain to be up and working.  It has been lectio divina (Divine Word of God study, meditation) and a book or two or three of a mystic saint victim soul, a mystic hermit, and some homilies of Pseudo-Macarius.

Off to Mass, then, Saturday evening.  There was a hard, wooden pew in the very back corner (other pews are padded which causes too much back pain for this hermit), so that seemed a good seating choice.  The helper's dad was not there, after all, but the hermit decided due to the long drive, to remain and fear not anything at all.  Surely nothing would occur after this length of time and how woefully lacking in spiritual efforts lately.

But with the lection of the First Scripture Reading of the Living Word of God, the hermit was taken out of itself with the powerful force of the Holy Spirit, the faculties suspended, and the Mass--the stairway to Heaven--continued in all its loving glory.  The Mass was blissful in a serene nothingness of all but God.  The heart fluttered and enlarged--the wounded, consecrated heart.  Then stillness and union and so very much love of the Beloved!  Communion in union with God, and that was that.

Somewhere toward the end of Mass or perhaps while the angels yet singing and music playing at the end of Mass, the voices of people and poking began.  Concerned voices, increasingly strong prods; fingers gouging deep into the neck arteries, hands lifting up the head.  The hermit began to pray within, begging God and its angel to protect it.  Lord, you know how much work yet to be done on that old house and am running out of money! But whatever you will--please protect me!

Then the voice whose hands were lifting the head said to someone else to hold the head and not let go; he was going to call 911.  Unresponsive person, very faint pulse.  Ah, thanks be to God they were not going to let the head drop--the very thing that caused the hermit serious neck injury over three years ago!   Thanks be to God!  But 911?  Oh, no...here we go again.

Finally the hermit was given movement enough to force open the eyelids part-way.  She is opening her eyes!  Tell the dispatcher, but she cannot move, cannot speak!  Send help!  So the hermit then begged within to the Lord, and slowly the mouth could open, and with great effort decided upon one word that might stop the alarm:  Ecstasy.  Surely they would understand that.

But no, the man thought ecstasy, the drug.  Then as an afterthought, mentioned could it be some religious thing?  Still on the phone with 911 dispatcher.  So then, gradually more in the temporal, the hermit was able to say more forcefully:  MASS!  That got through.  The man said it must be something having to do with the spiritual!  Then, slowly, slowly, the fingers could move, then the words could come out in phrases.  No 911!  Am all right!  

And quite soon, was able to answer a few questions of the dear people so concerned, and was asked to talk to the dispatcher.  No need to come.  No one is in need.  The man who happened to be a retired firefighter, and thus how he knew not to let go of the head, asked if had ever considered having a little sign?

Mercy.  Well, yes, but cannot find it in the mess of the fixer upper, and frankly thought the state would not happen, surely not happen, after remaining physically away from Mass for so long.  The gathering dispersed, and the couple remained with a couple more questions, and encouraged a return to Mass the next Saturday evening.

On the long drive back to the hermitage, there were a couple of thoughts.  One was--glory be--that this was the same weekend some years ago that the first ecstasy at Mass began to occur.  How many years?  The hermit had to think a bit:  Seven years ago!  And the second thought came, more involved and pithy.  
Bits of Dr. H's conversation of a couple years or more ago came to mind--his conviction that this type of mystical phenomenon in its power and force of great love from God, was not meant just for the hermit.  No, he was certain that the power emanating when a person would be in this state, would be efficacious for those in the vicinity, or even more so if touching another.  Could be very healing, he thought, and of benefit to others, and therefore encouraged the hermit to not fear but rather to allow itself to be exposed and vulnerable--yet safe from physical harm by those not understanding.

The hermit pondered Dr. H's thoughts on the subject and considered his expertise in the paranormal.  Plus, there was the aspect of his knowing the hermit for years and years, as well as having experienced other mystical events the hermit had, years ago.  He was always right then, and he was always reaching through to the positive, to have courage, to see the good that God was desiring to do through the hermit, and for the hermit to embrace and cooperate.

Then the hermit thought of what Jesus had specifically shown and told the hermit over four years ago, after the neck injury and the abandonment by its then prelate spiritual director.  He showed the hermit a group of parishioners, mostly women, and a few priests.  He said they will criticize and persecute you, but you are to pay no attention to them. 

And for awhile, the hermit had held up courageously, continued to go to Mass after the neck healed, and then again after the second shoulder surgery recovery time, but that was when the hermit was being shunned to a point that its spiritual father advised to just rest and have spiritual communions and trust in the Lord.  Priests were verbal as to not wanting the hermit in their parishes.  See how fear and ignorance of a situation can breed ugliness and consternation?

But, the hermit then lost courage, even after moving to a desert place, far from the hustle of civilization, far, far away. From time to time, tried Mass at various parishes, but the hermit lost the courage to endure the criticism and persecution.  And then the pain and the trials of hard life circumstances, increased illnesses and obstacles, kept the hermit in the hermitage, praying and working and suffering and reading the Scriptures and offering spiritual communions.

To cut to the now, the hermit has prayed and pondered and consulted with a couple wise ones, and will put a call in to Dr. H. and the spiritual father.  Today when the helper was finished and his father came to take him home, he asked if the hermit had gone to Mass.  Yes--and the helper's dad said he was sorry he was not at that Mass, after all, but rather the Sunday morning Mass.  Yes, yes, the hermit realized that, and we spoke a few minutes about the situation.  The hermit mentioned the thought--increasing as insights do--that the hermit has been selfishly approaching this situation and had lost its way in having the courage and willingness to take persecution and criticism. 

Perhaps, yes, the Lord has something far other in mind than anything for the hermit's benefit in the ecstasies during Mass.  Otherwise surely they would be taken away--gone--by now, after seven years, after all!  So maybe Dr. H. is correct, and that somehow this state during Mass is for the benefit of the people there in some supernatural way, such as healing, even if they nor the hermit never know consciously.

We will continue to pray about it during the week, but the helper's dad suggested the hermit always come on Sunday morning and sit near him in the choir area, or in the wood pew where his family will sit, so that there be no need of even a sign.  But if a sign, the hermit would have it be an honest one--not saying "Meditating", but using the proper term, "Spiritual Ecstasy."  For, it is true that if one is meditating, if touched or shaken, the person would be able to open the eyes, move, and speak--rouse from the meditation.  And that is what confuses, as when people found no response, they forgot the sign and figured a serious medical condition was at hand, requiring the paramedics, fire trucks, police vehicles--been through it too many times!

If a sign, though, it would not say "Do not touch".  It would say, "Please don't worry; don't call 911.  Spiritual ecstasy.  You may gently touch or leave a prayer request."  That would open it to the positive rather than the negative; that would be truthful, not misleading. Honesty is the best policy even if it brings criticism and persecution. 

And the hermit assured the helper's dad that there will be criticism and persecution.  People will say the hermit is promoting itself, drawing attention to itself by being at the most attended weekend Mass, by being in the choir area toward the front--visible.  And at first, when the helper's dad suggested this plan, the hermit balked.  It does not like being noticed, does not like larger groups, and does not like being touched.  

Yet it is time to overcome self, to die to self more, to do as Jesus said and finally not pay attention to criticism and persecution.  It must look to the positive of what God might be willing in what many would call a spiritual gift, even if the hermit has had much suffering.  That suffering may have come due to the mis-discernment of what God intends and desires of it, as perhaps something healing and beneficial for others.

It is certainly worth trying it out.  In the meantime, in the next few days prior to Sunday Mass, the hermit will seek the direction of its spiritual father and also Dr. H.  Must ask the experts God has for us in these situations, just as the hermit has certainly called upon Craig and Rusty for construction and plumbing advice--and heeds their advice!  But yes, this different way of approaching and considering why God has not removed this state, no matter what, and that He has something in Mind for others, is resonating and falling into place naturally, simply, serenely...and with a sense of hope.

And the hermit does benefit from being at Mass, of course.  The love, the heart, the union with the Beloved, being among the worshippers of His Real Presence at the Mass, the Stairway to Heaven, is bliss.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Sad Observation in a Post Office

Finally got St. Bernard Love of God Bourbon Ball order completed.  One obstacle after another, though, and took four days of hassling, including finally Apple replacing the "lemon" laptop.  God bless them!  

But then the HP Jet Pro Printer would not work.  Apple Care did their best to help.  God bless them again!  Finally HP sent a download of the driver, for the new Apple operating system.  God bless them.  Then the labels would not print properly.  Contacted Avery.com, and their website was having difficulties due to a not-so-good update program.

All through the hours of frustration and obstacles (have just brushed the surface of them), the man placing the order and this hermit figured it was the devil trying to disrupt.  But with the label snafu, this hermit began to consider that it may be His Real Presence letting the hermit know that making bourbon balls and fudge--love of God and fortitude though they be--is not His will, at least for now or the near future.

Decided this would be the end for awhile, at least with shipping to the main customer.  Had to send them without labels, and that is not good.  Hand-wrote the main label but could not do the ingredients label.  So am gifting them to the customer.

Drove to civilization to assist again with something a young boy is doing as an act of charity in his neighborhood, so mailed the order from a post office.  While waiting in line, noticed the Christmas stamp selection.  One out of 12 stamp designs was Christian, and it was rather limited in being an image of three camels in silhouette.

Mentioned to the postal worker how sad this is, considering Christmas is a Christian major event!  One of of twelve stamp designs being a Christian theme, is sad!  He agreed.  In recent years at least there was a stamp of Mary holding Infant Jesus.

Regardless, wanted to make also the point that sometimes when we face obstacles that seem uncanny and chaotic, it surely has elements of the devil interfering.  But we may also want to consider that His Real Presence is allowing the obstacles, and that it also could be God's means of closing doors for us even if but temporarily. Or, He may wish some other avenue for us.  This hermit considered the time and effort, especially in making the condiments in another kitchen, not on site--and perhaps His Real Presence prefers efforts spent on spiritual reading, writing, and hermitage manual labor.

All the more emphasis to the Christian path of striving after Jesus--considering the lack of adoration and glory He is given in something as simple as only one postage stamp reflecting the sole reason for Christmas!

God bless His Real Presence in us!  For, it seems He is not in as much of what He used to be, out there in our world.  Little children, let us love one another, for in that way we can be living stamps of Jesus, reflecting His love and image, when out and about.

Striking a Chord and Finding One's Place

Mercy, the recent posts have struck a chord with readers.  Praise be to God!

Peace is returning, and a resolve with Catherine of Siena and others, such as Lorenzo Scupoli, to keep practicing acceptance as all comes from God for our good and for our learning lessons and discerning His will for each unique individual.

When "nothing" prays thanksgiving and totally grasps and understands the views of others and their rights and even perhaps wisdom or whatever rationale for certain choices in the governance of fellow Catholics or Christians, the personal situation has evolved over time with wariness developing most likely due to the external phenomenon during Mass, no matter what anyone's analysis of it.

Plus, in sharing the process and progress of an ordinary, Catholic mystic's experiences and the outflow, there are no doubt many aspects not clarified, for the inner life of the soul and the various interchanges with others in the silence and within, come naturally and spontaneously, and most often steadily.  An occasional standout dream, or a vision, or a nuanced nudge from the Guardian Angel add to the process of discerning.

It is simple enough to deduce that while nothing is indeed not fitting in to typical Catholic parishes and is not likely to, for plenty attempts have been made--the reasons for that bear weighing the positives, for there are always and mostly positives.  God moves the soul through change, and change is signaled by disruption of some sort and a disquieted soul, or so it seems is a good indicator.

However, there is not always or usually not, it would seem a next phase presented.  So the person has to let go of the rope, of sorts, while in mid-swing, and trust that there will be another rope swinging out there somewhere, to which to grab hold.  Or, to use Peter's way of walking on the water, we must simply and genuinely trust that if we stumble or start to sink or fall, that Jesus will reach out and lift us up.

Painting way up high, now using "Simply White" on the belly band separating the Jesus Eyes' greenish blue painted shingle siding from the future "Sonshine Light" yellow-tan paint for the plank siding, the thoughts come to a joyful encouragement.  Being high on a ladder can provide such goodness once there is faith in the process.  The mind forgets the height and the risks but rather meditates upon the hope and faith and love provided in being a member of the Body of Christ.

It is unlikely that "nothing" at this phase would fit into other church scenarios.  Just as nothing was so certain to be one of the top 25% success stories with the back surgeries 27 years ago, and ended up in the bottom painful 10% messed cases--there is no guarantee in the spiritual life that one's path will follow this or that certain other person's path--hermit, mystic, saint or nothing!  We discover the path as we are walking and climbing.  And God is so patient when we keep testing certain ascents over and over, or attempt repeatedly to try a certain branch-off or rappelling technique.

Those in religious orders are not in a parish.  Imagine if they were.  It just does not seem that it would work out well, from those of us who know the parish ways of existing and progressing.  Parishes are distinctly different from monasteries, yet they provide similar opportunities and avenues for reaching the same goals which very much are or should be steeped in worship of God and sharing His love with one another in that context.  They are also a means of providing spiritual growth opportunities in order to learn and practice the virtues and to grow in holiness individually and as a body of believers. These opportunities vary in function within monasteries and within parishes.

Then consider the hermit path.  It is neither that of a monastery or a parish, but is a "hermitage", to come to some kind of similar labeling distinction.  It is a religious vocation.  An avowed and professed hermit in the Catholic church is a "consecrated religious" regardless of public or private vows.  A hermit has a religious vocation, and its modality of existing is not typically in a monastery nor in a parish setting, but rather in solitude in a hermitage. 

But the hermit, like those in religious orders and those in parishes, have spiritual helps that can include people, their writings, their lived examples.  We have worship and sacraments and very much the Living Word of God and His Real Presence.  Whether lay or religious or in holy orders, we all are striving for union with God and to glorify God in all we attempt, in love of God above all things and love of others.

Thus, the heightened manual labor has assisted this "nothing' hermit in grasping all the more, after many splatters and wipe-ups, and cleaning of brushes and switching to other paint colors, that "nothing" has missed the mark many times over in thinking it must belong in a parish as a typical parishioner, or to interact in a parish.  This is as mismatched as it would in thinking it needs to exist or belong to a monastery, although often enough (and historically) hermits tended to travel weekly to worship in monasteries.  Perhaps this is because the monks and nuns and the hermits do share an avowed and consecrated religious vocation, although unique in various aspects one from the other.

And, it does seem that in the past three decades in the Catholic Church, those relatively few but growing number of hermits with public vows are known to worship in and belong to parishes.  Privately consecrated hermits who might choose to worship in a parish, or from parish to parish,* may tend to remain hidden in the sense that they may not need be known as hermits to the parishioners and often not to the priests.

[*Fifteen years ago when first receiving the call to the eremitic life, "nothing" corresponded with a privately professed hermit in another country who motorbiked to a different parish each day in an eight-day cycle.  There were eight parishes within reasonable travel distance.  One time when a priest inquired of his name and offered a ride (and his bike) home, wherever that was, the hermit politely declined and also gave but his first name--and regretted giving that much information.]

With all this thought out and personally in "nothing's" mind now, more clearly, the result may be a positive conclusion of parish-seeking or involvement.  There is a nearby monastery, very small.  The three monks there practice some aspects of the hermit life (but are not hermits per se).  Having been invited to Mass there awhile back., "nothing" might attempt that, as it may be a rope swinging toward the hand of which the hand could grab hold.  And, in that setting, there would not be the curiosity and concerns that seem to develop sooner than later in parishes with priests and parishioners, regarding nothing's spiritual life.

Perhaps fitting into parishes as a hermit is correlated to the hermit being known to others as a hermit. Perhaps then a publicly known hermit is more accepted by parishioners in having a different mode or category, and is not expected to fit in with laity or be like them.  But nothing is not called to be noticed as a hermit in a parish or diocese setting; and such designation would not be necessary, if in a monastery setting for Mass.

This has been a long and sometimes frustrating process,  but a good and necessary process, one would think, for each hermit to discern individually and uniquely.

The place for nothing in the Catholic church is in the hermitage, as a hermit and mystic.  That is the place God has chosen, and it must strive to exist in the Order of the Present Moment.  In this moment, then go outside to plant some free perennials and then do the second coat of Simply White on the belly band.  Travel to civilization this evening upon a family member's request to homeschool and tend the grandson for a couple days.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Little children, let us love one another, for love is of God!