Just to Clarify...Christian Catholic Mystic Hermit's Present Moment Situation

 What I've been trying to express--my soul's journey and progression--could seem as if I've "left" the Church. 

No, but in a way I have progressed through the Church, for the Body of Christ and of Whom Christ is the Head, is not a static "thing" but rather a means and living procession by which Jesus instituted a means of Christians to learn, grow, assist, love, worship, pray, and support one another in our spiritual journeys as followers and lovers of Jesus Christ, God the Father, and the Holy Spirit.

I am very grateful for my upbringing as a Protestant (Methodist) and of the various denominations that due to moving when young and married, and the earthly spouse not so much spiritual but more attracted to action, we progressed tried various churches until it really came forth that was not interested much in the Christian path but rather the temporal life and with the pitfalls that the spouse had been enjoying of temporal and physical conquests, I suppose it can all be categorized, that were somewhat hidden from me along the way.

But then I was freed by being left, which was not my choice but God's way of taking me to Himself, and allowing me to return to life after a death experience, to rear three beloved children and to fulfill my mission. And that mission is my soul's progression to God, to union with Christ, and to love to learn to love, and to suffer to love and love to suffer, and to love God above all things and in God and in God's love, to love others as God loves.

Thus, I have come to understand that while I'd hoped I could just remain static in the Catholic Church which to me has been a never ending treasure chest of all matters spiritual of Trinitarian, of those God needed me to meet so I'd not feel so alone--the Christian mystics--and of so much to learn from this great treasure trove of Christian history, tradition, and faith. But the spiritual journey is not meant to be static; it is ever proceeding with God leading the soul onward.

So what I've "left", or perhaps better put has left me, or that God plucked me out of in various ways and remains firm that I will not return to that aspect, is the temporal and more human created of what has seemingly clogged the spiritual plumbing of  Christ's Church--and can occur in any Christian church, not just the Catholic or it's various derivatives, rites, divisions even within what retains a certain label such as Roman Catholicism.

The human additions and structure and this and that will not progress me to God.  But the spiritual remains--the soul of the Church which is Christ and those who love and seek and follow Christ.  And I'm sure if any Protestants are reading this and maybe grasp what I'm trying inartfully to express--you may have encountered the duality temptation in your denomination.  The spiritual can be action-oriented and as Christ in helping the poor, healing in a variety of ways, building up Christians, evangelizing unbelievers--but all that is rooted in the life of Christ, in the Holy Spirit, in God the Father's law of love.  So I'm not talking about detaching from all temporal, but rather from "the world" that can be as much a world in church that is not helpful in its temporalities that clog the pipes of spiritual progression to union with God.

I've tried to get a friend who likes to write of a Catholic-labeled and canonized saint each day, to consider including that we write about some aspect of Christ's Living Word in the daily Gospel reading--just some point of interest, understanding, or question, or even take it to the application level in our daily life.  But the person is not comfortable with doing that, for various reasons.  I will go forth on my own seeking and tremendous desire for Christ, for His Real Presences (Father, Son, Holy Spirit) in spiritual Eucharist/communion, His Living Word, and Prayer.

Due to the mystical ecstasies during Mass which God brought me to and showed me the stairway to heaven, now nearly 13 years ago, the temporal aspects that can clog minds and concern of losing control on part of priests and bishops in grappling with such a phenomenon occurring with me, a simple parishioner--doors kept closing; the welcome mat was withdrawn either overtly or subtly.  Even so much as a couple weeks ago I wondered if I should try yet again, but wise advisors were astounded I'd even consider that given also the progression of spinal pain and difficulty sitting. But mostly it was due to how obvious the Lord made the closed doors and rejections by priests and parishioners firm and quite obvious.

The great news is that I have recently understood how marvelous this is, and my joy at God bringing me into the Catholic church knows no bounds, for I understand now the process of progression, and Catholicism is going into the roots of Christ's church in history, tradition, theology--once one begins to dig and study.  The closer to the time of Christ, the richer the treasures in ascertaining what is of greatest value in the soul's progression to union with God. This is not to ignore more recent examples in persons, but the whole matter of canonizations and selective editing and embellishing of lives does not help come to the reality of the suffering, for example, or the ways in which such souls who came to union with God even in brief periods and glimpses had also left or been left by the temporal world of the church, those human aspects and created laws, rules, regulations, and requirements that effectively are entangling nets for those who want to proceed to God, to be through, with, and in Him, to exist in God's love and to love Him above all else, and to love in His Love, as He loves all souls and all His creation.

For the most part, I've been stuck in a sense of guilt or something, wondering if I tried hard enough or if this is even right--until the Lord helped me to  see this is merely spiritual progression, and He has been bringing me through the process all my life, for I desire Him and seek Him with all my body, mind, heart, and soul, and with what strength He has given me.  I'm grasping now more deeply and with liberating and loving effect, the visions and locutions of past years; I'm on the path God desires for me.  I'm effectually in the mystical Church while at the same time of course in the temporal life, and my charitable little gifts are given, and what words of encouragement to others-but my main action is that of being in His Real Presence through Prayer, Spiritual Communion, and His Living Word.

And this constitutes my life, which is also in God's natural world, in my physical body of increasing pain and limitations, in what bit of manual labor and interactions with whomever God brings to me or me to them in a variety of ways--spiritually directed by God but normal in our earthly sense. So that if not for spiritual awareness, I'd not notice that God is constantly in authority over ever detail and moment and breath of my outer and inner existence.

I'm not sure how I'm to identify myself, for God has me as a hermit, and I've come to realize there is no vow or rule of life required as God determines our vocations; this is how God chose for me, years ago, knowing what my body was going to require, and what God wanted of me in the contemplative, spiritual nature He bequeathed upon me at conception.

I guess I am as the first followers and lovers of Christ:  a Christian. Yet, God brought  me into and through the various Christian churches and into what is called the Catholic Church--and had that "catholic" from later in the first century as part of the descriptor or label.  But "Catholic" can mean to many the more temporal aspects which humans devised and developed over the centuries, so I'm not that; the Lord has brought me through with benefit of understanding the dualities, and into the mystical and spiritual aspect of His Church of which I am in the Body and He is Head.  Thus I have no desire of the temporal fussing and politicizations, of heavy-laden hierarchies and canon laws and rules, regulations, and requirements.  I do not have them consciously in mind, for God's law of Love and the laws of the prophets are ingrained and always have been, from my upbringing as a Christian with Christian parents who believed in following the Ten Commandments as best we humans do, knowing we are frail to temptations at times and not alien to falls.  But God's love and mercy, His and others' and our forgiveness is real in the temporal and even deeper in the spiritual.

Well, enough on all this; more than enough all my expressing of what has been transpiring.  A huge shift is that I've accepted and am praising God for what He has been trying to do with me for these years in which I have been as if a person and mind and heart and soul split between worlds, trying desperately to cling to what is not necessary once God progresses us through increasingly to His way of Love, to living in His Real Presence each moment day and night, of at any moment of desiring to receive His Real Presence from Him--His Body and Blood to sustain me, of in thought or act of reading or listening such as spoke on internet--the Living Word of God, and of the never-ceasing inner and outer communication with His Real Presence:  prayer.

Love in His Love, and God bless His Real Presence in us!

Christian, Mystic, Hermit, Catholic: God Provides All Necessary in Today

I think I've worked through even though it's taken me along time and much writing and praying, to simply and deeply accept and say YES, I agree to want and have you more directly now.  And I add on, "Please show me what next and what is helpful in this phase."

I don't want any reader to think I have "left the "church."  The Body of Christ with Christ as Head, the Church, is now not so much a place or thing, nor is it a temporal need now.  When several years ago God showed me in vision the persons and objects and aspects in a type of visual metaphor of the temporal Church,  and asked me, "Why would you want THAT when you can have ME more directly now?", it has taken these years to experience and consider and pray about God's will and what He meant and means.  And despite my continuing to try to force forward thinking I needed the temporal Church still, that I must be misinterpreting, in part, the vision and locution, God in practicum did not allow any of my attempts to continue temporal life in the temporal Church.  Even the other day I thought aloud in conversation with a long time friend and helper, "Should I try again?"  He responded, "How many times would you keep subjecting yourself to what continues to be closed doors and non-acceptance?  And maybe more importantly, why would you keep doing that?"

And true, the latter is the question that led me to understanding that God chose for me and was delighted for me to become Catholic, but He is showing me as in all of life, even into eternity, it is all a process through which we all progress at individual "time" and ways and means of process and progression.  He leads; He guides; He wills all.  God is patience but persists in helping us progress through the process, or series of processions, one flowing into the next, on and on. Probably the major flow-to-the-next is at our temporal deaths, but there are many deaths and rebirths within our temporal lives if we desire Christ increasingly, but have our hindrances tethering.  God then progresses us which requires some breaking of the tethers, even ones that might seem ought be what we ought have throughout this life, in the same way, shape, and form.  

No.  And so I am reviewing the positives and reasons why God and what God provided and the ways in which I still attached possessiveness and my human desire for acceptance and to fit in, and my naive wish for something on earth to live out the ideal as well as to be a constant in this life, and that this would be a constant, a once-and-for-all place or thing or experience.  But the soul is not created to exist like that, to essentially not progress and be brought by God through processes to closer and closer relationship and understanding of and with and through and in God. The more we desire union with God, the more we must be prepared for and accept shifts and changes and learning and growth, and letting go of even what seem to be or we think ought to be sacrosanct temporal aspects, such as the ideals of the temporal Church.

Nothing can be forced--and that includes forcing ourselves to stay in one place or phase, or to move forward beyond what God ordains, such as desiring for Jesus to come back and take us with Him. That desire cannot be forced into a reality unless that reality is based on the reality that Jesus exists in timelessness and will come take us from this life according to His will and means.  It cannot be rushed or dictated by what we want in order to essentially escape the "lessons" we have yet to learn here, now, and often without knowing specifically what are these lessons nor how to learn them--or on our time frame and conditions which generally wants a rush-order job-done. 

This morning I did force a praise of God, first thing.  I had a determination of my will to get up from bed and be dressed and mudding the bathroom walls, doing a second and final skim coat. I wanted to do this starting at 9 a.m. or shortly after.  I have come to accept that my praise of God is often forced, when I remember to praise God, but that a forced praise of God is better than no praise of God at all.  And as often can be the case, a habit can become natural and unforced with practice and conscious recognition and desire.  I did not, of course, do a forced praise of God without having the sincere desire to praise God. My praise of God, forced, does not mean my desire to praise God is any less than a spontaneous and rich and glorious praise of God.

Then I noticed today's Gospel reading is of Jesus' praising of God!  And I noticed a commentary on praising God by Augustine.  (I have come to a point of consciously not referring to these great people, great souls, as "saints" or "St." this or that because I know consciously that titles of sainthood and canonization process and confirmation on certain humans is a mechanism of humans, specifically those humans who were and are in a man-created hierarchy in the temporal Churches:  Catholic, Orthodox, Anglican and other offshoots of Catholicism, and other religions in the world might designate the people they consider to be holy by some other designation.  But at this phase in my progression in the process, it is important for me to let go of the man-developed mores and practices that Jesus did not create or use or find necessary or needful.  Jesus is wanting all souls to be holy and to be saved and to come to the Father, to believe in the Father and Holy Spirit and come through Him, God's Son, One in Three, Second Person of the Trinity--and have fullness of life in the Spirit, and be children of God, and so forth.

Even in praising God, forced, and in praising God after reading the Living Word and deepening the reality that I am in God and He is in me, and in then praising God with deeper love and conscious awareness of God Being All and my being nothing of my own and only relevant in God and His Love and Mercy of and toward me--I could not force my body up to remain up.  The physical lumbar, hip, leg, foot pain and radiating pain causing unctuous nausea,  put me back on the bed for another couple of hours. And yes, I do whatever at my temporal means to help the physical situation:  oral pain med to augment the pain pump release, called for appt. to increase pump release of med, anti nausea meds-- a second type when the first had litle to no effect.  And the acceptance of having to get down and stay down awhile.  

Change my temporal goals, and let go and let God for this morning and however long physically, just as I had o let go and let God when I accepted God more directly, and had to let go of what I loved tremendously, even too much--the temporal Catholic church of parish and diocese, of all that entails, of this and that temporal and human-developed, human-created and evolved over the years.  

This does not mean I let go of my faith, or of His Real Presence in spiritual communion (spiritual Eucharist), or His Living Word, or prayer.  It does not mean that I do not appreciate and find friendship in and much good help from holy persons living and deceased such as Augustine and many others, including little known holy people like the auto mechanic's secretary who is pivotal in a holy and helpful business that helps so many with love, honesty, integrity and excellence in quality of work done.

And I recommend to any and all, if seeking God: the Catholic Church.  In this Church will be the spiritual, mystical Church, Christ's Church.  I just don't recommend loving the externals or such, but love God more and discover His Real Presence in the Mass as in Eucharist, Living Word, and prayer.  Then discover His Real Presence all the time in the "mass as our lives", in spiritual eucharit, Living Word , and prayer.  Discover the mystics and the prophets and writers, the great spiritual directors, the theologians who strive to explain, and the Scriptural scholars, likewise.  But know that the Church is created and intended by God as a means of process and progression, to find and have His Real Presence in Eucharist, Word, and prayer, and to recognize His Real Presence Who Is in us and in others, as we are in His Real Presence always and everywhere He Is.  Learn to love to learn to love, and suffer to love and love to suffer. Love God above all things, and love others and self as God loves us.  

The Catholic church is a means of many processes of progression to God, but the Church is not God Himself.  The Mass is beyond description.  The Mass is the stairway to heaven, and I suppose each soul must figure that out with God's individualized instruction and progressing in the processes.  

I became very attached to the "Church" and so wanted to be accepted and fit in and have it remain steady, not a progression itself, so static as such, but God provided all necessary to proceed and understand that His acceptance and fitting into Him, becoming one with God, is what He ultimately and primarily and primordially desires and wills in His great love and desire for us to remain in His Love, in His ineffable Beingness.

And thus, I share here a cut-and-paste of today's Gospel reading of His Real Presence in Living Word, plus excerpt of Augustine's writing on praising God.  And God Bless His Real Presence in us all!

Holy Gospel of Jesus Christ according to Saint Matthew 11,25-27.

At that time Jesus exclaimed, "I give praise to you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, for although you have hidden these things from the wise and the learned you have revealed them to the childlike.
Yes, Father, such has been your gracious will.
All things have been handed over to me by my Father. No one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and anyone to whom the Son wishes to reveal him."

Saint Augustine (354-430)

Bishop of Hippo (North Africa) and Doctor of the Church

Sermon 34 ; CCL 41, 423-426.

"I praise you, Father"

We are invited to sing a new song to the Lord (Ps 149:1). The new man is the man who knows this new song. Singing is joy and, if we consider the matter more closely, love. Someone who understands about loving this new life knows the new song, and so we need to be informed as to what the new life is for the sake of the new song. All these things belong to the same Kingdom: new man, new song, new covenant. The new man will sing a new song and be a member of the new covenant. (…) “See!” you will say, “I am singing.” You are singing; yes, you are singing, I can hear you. But be careful that your life doesn't bear witness against your tongue. Sing with your voice, sing with your heart, sing with your mouth, sing in your conduct: “Sing to the Lord a new song.” You are wondering what you are to sing for him whom you love and you cast about for the praises to sing to him. “His praise is in the assembly of the saints” (Ps 149:1). The praise to be sung is that of the singer. Do you want to sing praise to God? Be yourself what you sing. You are his praise if you live uprightly.

Christian Hermit, Catholic, etc.: Simple Respose, to Trust in the Holy Spirit

Continuing with transferring posts from previous writings on one of my other blog sites:

Last night I had enthusiasm for the next phase and last earthly one, of passing through the mystic portal and being for God fully His by accepting my rather bizarre life of being abnormal in spiritual ways, that is.  Yet awakening this morning the physical pain is so severe that enthusiasm wanes with doubts of what I'm to be writing and sharing. 

The reality of still the temporal knowing that one's life cannot be of the temporal other than in what is external only--and with intense physical suffering as well as the mystical sufferings, energy is required: inner and outer energy.  Two texts came early and one phone call, the latter an ophthalmologist appointment reminder.  One text is easy to embrace in response; I am practiced in being temporal and caring of what are the needs and concerns of loved ones in their temporal lives; it does not take much to switch the focus to outer details of a real estate investment closing.  

Love and loving familiarity provide the ease of my concern and support in how most perceive, interact, live, and have mission in more the externals required of marvelous temporal world.  It is good and as it should be for most.  Yet everyone has an inner; everyone is the same in having a soul and having been created by God and at some point or many, will become aware or already are aware, of God.  The interaction with and awareness of God varies and, hopefully, increases despite the externals of everyday life's distractions.

The second text required more emotional energy, for it is not someone I hear from often and in fact rarely, but was one I grew up with from birth and early years in family.  Yet, for someone whose purpose and calling is that of more mystical than less, I suppose the attributes may be given at birth.  (Or even at moment of the soul or somehow prior, I don't know; but only can sense would be prior to birth--the way of being and path for whatever type of soul.)  I realize that when very young, the inner was pronounced, prominent, but without my grasping why relationships with others vary, or that others' way of sensing, perceiving, being and acting could be not as my own way.   We have strong natural attachment to ourselves, after all!

In the fatigue of pain this morning, I fell into a type of pain-effect sleep--the type that is difficult to rouse awake.  I dreamt, and tremendous pain evidenced in the dream.  I was in such pain that I felt strong need to contact a priest--for encouragement and counsel as to the type, degree, and location of pains afflicting the temporal and spiritual.  In the conviction that a priest could help explain the reason and spiritual aspects of the tremendous suffering, I contacted a priest in dream-ability to do so.  

I next found myself suffering in an outer room and then in hallway of a church office building, and I could hear and see through walls, back to a room in which the priest was talking over various temporal aspects of the job, of administration of parish duties and parishioners' temporal requests as well as church in general--temporal needs.  This included the temporal, personal lives of both the priest and the secretary who after office work have their interests, responsibilities, and activities to accomplish.

The need I had for spiritual counsel and advice became even stronger as I suffered pain bodily as well as of spiritual, of soul, of also the mystical emphasis of my own life.  A need to be helped with my needing to accept fully the mission--the mystic reality of my life on earth not being other than functionally, minimally, situation-specific temporal.  I wanted help knowing for sure, or some word of encouragement and understanding--reassurance--that this tremendous life of suffering and of Christian mystical profundity and basis is that which I'm to fully give over to God and live out--in what ways and purpose yet unclear.  I needed to discuss with a priest this matter with the intense physical suffering also seeming to be not only quite temporal and tangible but also mystically rooted.

But through the walls of hall and another room until seeing into the back room where priest and secretary were discussing their temporal responsibilities and duties of church and lives to be lived, the secretary brought up that I wished to speak with him.  I could see and hear in the priest's reaction that he did not at all want to have to deal with someone like me; and the "type" of the priest in the dream was of the first priest the Lord had me go to 25 years ago when it was time for me to stop resisting God's will and to step fully into the Catholic Church.  It was that priest who assured me I am a mystic and also a victim soul, and introduced me to the life of Sr. Josefa Menendez (mystic and victim soul) through the book The Way of Divine Love.

There was no talking with the priest in the dream.  No counsel, advice, or encouragement even as to my intensely horrible, physical pain and suffering.  Definitely would not be any discussion or advisement or understanding regarding my mystical life and dilemma of purpose and what God wants of me, His will and the mission I'm to fulfill in the Church.  I recall the priest even became angry with me, as I could hear him blaming me for wasting his time and of my being ridiculous or a problem person, or such.

There may have been other aspects after that sequence, but the temporal pain-fatigue kept me in that imprisoned-type sleep, unable to week up yet as if conscious in the attempt while still in that other realm.  Eventually I did awaken, took the pain med past-due, and noticed someone had sent an email.  The email shared the person's problem and concern being dealt with over a few days now, and that is of discerning returning to Mass since the COVID-19 lockdown is raised to include religious gatherings with precautions established.  The person's problem, temporal, is that the person is strongly opposed to using commercial hand-sanitizers due to their having chemicals in them.  The person had emailed the priest several days ago asking if all right to use the person's own, home-made hand sanitizer.

There was some disappointment as the priest's secretary evidently reads the emails sent to the priest and fields them, so the secretary had told the person that the priest would need to be asked per that request.  (Part of the protocol for attending Mass now is to use hand sanitizer that will be provided at all entrances to the church as well as wear masks, not sing, and try not to touch surfaces as much as possible, etc.)  Since the person wanted to be able to talk with the priest and evidently not through other channels, or perhaps the secretary said would need to ask the priest, meaning the person with request, the person is going to call on day off, Saturday, when can be available for the priest to return the call.

I marveled, for one, thing, that the email was a temporal "exclamation point" to what I had been shown just earlier while in the pain-fatigue sleep state or whatever it is, and emphasizing to me the reality of the types of needs of parishioners that require attention and answers, energy and interchange written or verbally, decisions to be made of temporal.  Or if spiritual, are mostly of dilemmas of temporal situations in which the parishioner has done a wrong and is confessing and receiving counsel as well as sacramental absolution with penance suggested.  

Or that the person is needing advice and counsel regarding temporal vocation even if, of course, a vocation has spiritual basis.  But the bulk of even vocation discernment will deal with the temporal aspects of living that vocation be it marriage or holy orders, religious life, and so forth.  Or the discussions with priest will involve other types of advice or help in counseling parishioners in how to handle family, career, work-place, interpersonal relationships including with other parishioners, parish council business, parish programs and activities, and so forth, mostly temporal intellectual- and/or institution-related

Also, I had reminder from the priest "type" in the dream, of that first priest and a mystical situation that occurred within the first year or so of my confirmation as a Catholic that was very much a time of my being in a major, physical pain episode, plus I had a most unusual, at the time, mystical experience so real and also, though, needing my temporal action but greatly spiritual in import, and a soul's salvation was at stake.  I may write of this in a separate blog post.  But this is another aspect of this morning's dream and message, that is further reassurance of why I'm to pass through the mystic portal now--past due to make the full commitment and do it.

And it is not going to be diocese bishops or parish priests who are available nor mostly experienced nor even particularly interested in the actual effort and energy and possibly study of mysticism and mystical theology, of mystics' lives--to actually understand what is involved and what may be asked of them, or to guide and help discern, interpret, or on occasion "do" if some action required through the mystic's visions and locutions.  

I am reminded and given understanding of how busy in the daily temporal duties and with general spiritual life needs of bishops and priests.  I realize that their time and energy also includes preparing a homilies for weekend Mass, or reviewing ones on file from years past, or at least preparing their mind and thoughts in order to speak on the Scripture readings for daily Mass sermons.  And, of course, they have the major responsibilities involved in celebration of Mass and offering and performing the Sacraments of the Church--particularly that of reconciliation (confession), baptism, marriage and officiating the ceremonies, anointing of sick and dying, and celebrating funeral Masses.

Thus, I returned to the response from the scholar, theologian, and leading expert on Christian mysticism to whom I'd written a very lengthy (but just a tip of iceberg) correspondence giving some of my mystical experiences and background, and asking any advice.  And to my amazement, I received a response.  I'm sharing it below for it will help me be reminded of the counsel given which while as he states is brief, it is right on more than he could possibly know.  The response also had me re-read what I'd written to see how jumbled and poorly constructed, and run-on with this and that of a life that cannot be expressed easily nor in even a lengthy email.  I need to be reminded of how I come across in writing to those who do no know me nor have met me in person, or spoken with me on phone.  It is quite humbling, my writing especially when pain high but very much so with age, it seems.

Dear [name used on my email],

Thank for your your long communications, which I read with interest. I'm not sure what you want me to do in response. As you know, I'm fully prepared to accept that special mystical graces are still given by God, although many doubt this today, especially, alas, among the clergy. I'm not surprised you have experienced opposition. But, on the other side, who certifies the legitimacy of these gifts? Only history (or better, the Holy Spirit acting in history). So, my brief counsel to you is to depend on the Spirit.

With Every Blessing,

Bernard

This response is most satisfying for many reasons.  I was humbled that a most busy person would respond at all, and also that he'd read through (hopefully skimmed quickly) my lengthy jumble I'd sent (shared on previous blog post here as "first communication" in title).  

I also realized that in mentioning various mystical experiences, I must have projected that I wanted validation of the experiences.  Legitimacy is not what I seek at this point.  Too many from decades ago that were also witnessed by others in addition to various temporal outcomes that are or were tangible, as well as the mystical ecstasy during Mass that is visible and picked over plenty by a bishop and a monsignor soon after they began nearly 12 years ago. I want to know what I'm to be doing if anything, for the Church, and that, of course, toward the close of this marvelous soul of a man's response hits upon the very means that will provide the path forward and unfold all necessary.

But I am gratified that this expert on Christian mysticism as internationally renowned author on topic for over 50 years as his life purpose and mission, with vast fruit in volumes of writings, university teaching, and perhaps thousands of lectures and talks--believes himself and accepts that God yet today gives mystical graces to us, His people.  

And particularly I am grateful in a personal healing way, or acknowledgement, of some brutal-type misunderstanding and mistreatment by Catholics--parishioners and clerics alike--have left on me personally--through what the Catholic himself with  brief cleric status, expressed as the doubt of many today, especially among clergy.  I still need healing, Lord!  My initial email and those emails to my bishop and parish priest, recently, display the poured out past not only of the marvelous mystical experiences, plentiful and of various types, with meaning and message to them, but also I maybe seemed "unglued" as I also wrote of the awful response and inhumane type reactions by clergy regarding the temporal effects of the mystical experiences that often involved clerics as well as parishes and the Church.  It seems mystics are often utilized by God to reveal some wrongs or given the assignment of revealing as well as needing to actively bring a needed reform even if it involves a cleric.

So the statement leading up to the most riveting, pivotal, and miraculous words of advice deal with that point about legitimacy of mystical experiences (of which I already have explained is not my need in life at this point, or answer I was seeking without knowing exactly what in asking, I was needing.  But I do find the point he makes as to only history, or better,the Holy Spirit acting in history, can certify legitimacy of my mystical gifts.  Not my problem!  I won't be around then, mercifully!  

When I'm thankfully out of this temporal life of constant suffering--temporally, spiritually, and mystically--I won't have to deal with the unexpected experiences that pop into my temporal existence requiring me to discern the message and meaning, and to know if some action overtly required (usually there is an action or reaction asked by God without His saying so, with or without words).  Over the years, God expects more of me in figuring from the clues, of sorts, that mystical experiences can contain in abundance of detail or also in obscurity of metaphor, image or no image, word, or wordless mystical event of varying types and formats.  So, no, I could care less about legitimization!  Selfishly, perhaps, I just need to get through what days, months, or years left on earth.  

Each day such as today, there can be the great temptation to want out of this pained body without fulfilling the mission that I have found elusive--but probably because I have resisted God's will and the leadings of the Holy Spirit due to my thinking too temporally.  I have used intellect and reason according to what one would think temporally logical regarding the institution of the Church.  For example, 11 years ago I was at this very point of realizing that God seemed to be Himself closing doors and trying to keep me out of the temporal Catholic world--the parishes, diocese, any type of temporal utilization, and even seemed to be making it impossible in parishes for me to even be allowed to go to Mass due to the mystical ecstasies during Masses.  Priests did now want me in their parishes!  Opposition to me--merciful heaves:  Yes!

But now is this brief but most powerful advice from Bernard McGinn, and that is, again: 

Depend on the Spirit.

That's all I need, my marching orders!  And events of these days between Ascension Thursday and Pentecost Sunday have been fruitful in the Spirit's preparing me for the passing through the mystic portal in some unknown-to-me significant way on Sunday, on the Solemnity of Pentecost, when the universal Church of which is the entire Mystical Body of Christ in Her members world-wide, will celebrate the reception of Christ sending us the Holy Spirit to be with us on earth as teacher, Paraclete, guide and director until the end of time.

This morning's dream and emailed exclamation point as reminder of how busy are bishops and priests and the temporal needs and lives of others, of parishioners, and of also the individual lives of the clergy in addition to their clerical responsibilities and duties have also their own persona lives, needs.  All of humanity has the spiritual need even if weighted more with the temporal of intellect and institution--and awareness more of temporal daily life.

Depend on the Spirit!

All can become aware of the mystical realm of the Trinity, of where we all will be when this temporal life of ours are over.  We all are on the mystical spectrum of seeking God even if we have no awareness we are even a dot on the spectrum; some are aware and in progression despite of course their vocations in life including marital or single, ecclesial, and careers, recreation, study, and all things of this beautiful, God-created world.  And some, are more designated to be as if extreme examples, or to become guides, so to speak. I use the imagery of the sherpas who are to specifically learn mountaineering skills so as to not only climb themselves but to also be guides for others.  And what mountain do we climb?  The Holy Mountain of God, to God, through God, with God, in God.

I must not waiver this time in passing through the mystic portal. I must depend on the Holy Spirit! The Lord has now reduced me and removed most hindering of some temporal distractions even not to have the situation of a long time friend.  Distractions He wills not, are being cleared and will continue to be cleared, of those I do not detach from myself. from Of course there can be denial of some distractions, some resistance, and some pain in letting go as if one is literally passing from physical life into the death that we all will embrace when God determines is what is best for His purposes.  God does not see as we see; God does not reason as we reason; God is not attached to our attachments, as He is only attached to His Creation in love, in loving desire for us to be subsumed into His Allness, or the apophatics might say, His nothingness, or could be expressed in so many words, including His Supernal Beingness.

Perhaps I've written myself out for now.  The pain is slightly less.  Perhaps I can rise from bed and "do" a few tasks of which there are many to be done here in my abode, Solus Deus.  The vegetables and fruits planted in large containers need watering since sun is waning.  If regain some of the physical stamina that pain robs, perhaps I can begin organizing items in the garage as on Tuesday an order of windows, doors, and flooring will be delivered from Home Depot....  How I will manage projects--well, I must depend on the Holy Spirit.

God bless His Real Presence in us:  Father, Son, and Holy Spirit!

 

Catholic Hermit: Fr. V. Is Right, of Course

Also, my Bl. Charles de Foucald Christmas yesterday was only that, to a point.  Thus, why I titled the post including the two words:  of sorts.....  I had written of the upset within me, the turmoil, the memories that had been triggered, the current persecution and my responding to it with strong words--yes, true enough, but not what people who are wary and making judgments want to hear for they do not see they are persecuting or they probably would stop.

Fr. V. was right when he simply responded that we must focus on the Nativity of Christ.  But it was not helpful, that, at the time, even if I knew it was the correct answer, the truth, the spiritual high road.  In my base humanness, in the solitude of silence without the strength of soul to combat the memories and rejections and the self-blame as well, for having continued on, and what affect it all would have had on my children during those years.  Rather, I wanted to hear that what the current situation of exclusion is not right, that my feelings were understandable, but--but also that I must pivot and focus on the Nativity.

God provided what my base human needs lacked with the phone call from the Catholic friend who said those things of consolation and also truth, but also pointed out that what I love of Catholicism is not the same as the temporal Catholic system and structure of all us humans with years of ways of reacting in certain situations to such as mystics, or to the system of not fraternally correcting clerics, but of remaining silent.  And that mention of the temporal reminded me of what it is that just a few days prior I'd resolved to do and be: focus on the spiritual, focus on Jesus and on the love of God.

[And as most times when I am impatient, I now received an email from Fr. V. saying he would have counseled more but his internet service was bad there in Nigeria, and thus was only able to send the brief reminder and Christmas wishes.  However, had he been able, perhaps I'd not have come to the crux of the great lesson this way, seeing how base I had become, how needy, and a reminder of my impatience.  Jesus works it all out for those who love Him, and that I truly do, very much love Him even if in flawed ways.]

Today I will try-, try-, trying again.  I will strive to focus on the Nativity of Christ.  I will also take measurements for some studs I can cut to begin framing closets upstairs or at least have the wood ready for framing if I need the extra set of hands of Daniel the Nazarene.  He plans to come later in the week, but I will not expect what is to be for I am reminded to remain in the present moment, yet again.

As for the Charles de Foucald Christmas, it was that, of sorts--up to the point of where the externals ended in the metaphor and the mystical began.  Or so I think.  I don't know for sure what Charles de Foucald went through in the first couple of Christmas in the desert, alone, not speaking the language of the Muslims in the village nearby, not able to celebrate Mass.  Perhaps he went through a most dark episode on Christmas.

But I like to think that he was focused on the Nativity and not on any painful episodes of the past, other than to forgive and beg for healing from the Infant Jesus.  I consider how the Infant Christ has more power and might to heal than any human physician.  

The Infant Jesus also had the power to bring out the greatest envy and evil in such as King Herod, as well as the power to draw three wise men to travel for months and months to find the Christ Child, following a star in the heavens as their map.  (Ah, would it be as easy to find Jesus in our life's journeys by using a GSP tracking system, an automated voice telling us where to turn, and when--right or left!)

This morning I read in Acts the final moments of St. Stephen.  These stand out to me:

"But he, filled with the Holy Spirit,
looked up intently to heaven
and saw the glory of God and Jesus standing at the right hand of God,
and he said,
'Behold, I see the heavens opened and the Son of Man
standing at the right hand of God.'"

Yesterday this now less than nothing, this reduced and peevish consecrated Catholic hermit did not have the power of soul to focus on the Nativity of Christ.  Today I pray to have the strength and faith to, filled with the Holy Spirit, be able to look intently to heaven to see the glory of God and Jesus standing at the right hand of God.

I've sent Fr. V. an apology email, for my snapping and writing that his response had not helped, for I had in the trials and upset of emotions and psyche over the realization of what I am experiencing that is so very painful--I'd not been able to focus on the Nativity of Christ right then.  I begged for consolation.  But his answer was the correct one, was the high road, the spiritual right action.

My cousin called and explained her lapse in our campaign slogan: Make [Us] Nice Again.  She had been triggered yet again by her elderly mother.  I shared how I had been so wretchedly triggered on Christmas Day, as well, and what is the correct and high-road answer, but that I doubt I'd have taken that road if I'd been her, either.  We are so human, and the campaign has just begun anew, yet again.  She was going to correct her aging mother who kept saying her age was 92 when she is nearly 94.  

No, her mother does not have dementia, but is peevish, yes.  Peevish as we can be peevish.  Someone had incorrectly stated her mother's age because her mother had lowered it for a newspaper article.  Her mother on Christmas was unabashedly adopting that as her age now, for she wants to be younger so very much, and outer beauty has always been quite important to her.

Just let it drop.  Do not correct her.  I told my cousin of Fr. V.'s right advice to me that I was not able to take yesterday but am doing so today--and assured my cousin that had I been there yesterday and heard my aunt self-deceiving with a lower age, I probably would have bluntly said, "No, you are nearly 94."  

We laughed.  My cousin said she will not try to correct her mother, and I said I will not, either.  We resolved to strive to live out our campaign slogan and once more, set forth in this to-day, to be nice again.

While I don't know exactly what Bl. Charles de Foucald was feeling on Christmas Day in the Sahara, and maybe he had traumas of the past or recent days that took over and pressed in, and of which he needed to vent to rid out the poison--I do know from his writings in journals and letters that he at least later on wrote of Christ, of love of God, of the Holy Spirit, the glory of God, and so forth.

Yesterday is past, and while I can still strive to focus on the Nativity today, I will also pray to be filled with the Holy Spirit, to look intently to see God and Jesus standing at his right hand.  May the heavens be opened to me and to you, also, dear readers, this present moment day we are given, no matter our circumstances and locations.

Mystic Hermit Reflects Further

I am zeroing in on these redacted paragraphs from Meng-hu's assessment of Mystic Personalities in 2007 blogpost, Hermit's Thatch.  Some of it is chilling to my inner core.  

I live in the Western World, and I have invested over 21 years in the temporal Catholic Church world of parishes and priests.  I have tried and tried to fit in, to donate time, energy, resources, to do good works of mercy and spirit.  Yet time and again I have been rejected in various ways, shunned, told by priests to not return, or in this last instance told that I was appreciated and welcome, when instead was an occasion of sin for parishioners and priest alike.  

It is all the same, even if at first a priest and/or bishop is intrigued or excited with having a mystic in their midst.  The problem is with the Western culture, with the scarcity of mystics which is nothing new in history: God has few mystic souls in any generation.  However, even among mystics, their roles vary, and I am having a hard time at this juncture, accepting that my role is even more extreme, more hidden, more filled with suffering than I ever anticipated.  I suppose we never anticipate such things, though, no matter our vocations, paths, callings, destinies--spiritual or temporal.

A friend just called.  God always has her call when I am stripped.  Somehow He tags her to call.  She agrees it is very sad that I am not acceptable to the temporal Catholic Church.  However, she said I am very much a Catholic.  Of course I am.  But I am trying to accept, myself, that I am on my way out into the extremes of the deep waters where I will never be able to touch ground and must swim in faith from here on out.  One can know it will be exhausting in some ways, yet freeing in other ways, particularly when I am no longer burdened by temporal issues, especially even the temporal debates that plague the administrative aspects of church, or even of vocations.

My writings as a consecrated Catholic hermit are hindered when there have been aspects of the temporal world sucking me down.  This includes quoting and explaining the vocational path of the traditional Catholic hermits very much living in the Consecrated Life of the Church.  Bottom line, as we can quote a past politician:  "What difference does it make now?"  It does not and never really did much, not to me, not to Jesus, not spiritually as a mystic. 

No, all the temporal issues and hassles and even the eremitic vocational titles and Catechism parameters or canon law repetitions and minor additions, do not really matter other than to create a cohesive vehicle for passing through life vocationally.  What matters is the soul, the spiritual ascent, the closeness with God, the desire for union and the great love that ought permeate all levels and dimensions of body, mind, heart, and soul.

My hermit vocation now appears to me as simply the vehicle of my life, which followed the vehicle of my responsibilities and joys of parenting dependent children, concluded.  Then came the joy of hermit life, of learning the ropes and living the daily and nightly eremitic existence for what will be the rest of my earthly life.  

However, it is a vehicle--like the New Balance cross-training shoes I wear upon my painful feet, or like the shirt on my back, or like the mattress upon which I recline for rest in pain and for sleep.  This vocation that is fitted to perfection to each hermit--a vehicle, a modality that the Lord tweaks and tightens, as He is tightening it for me, personally, a lot right now, stripping me further, showing the way to more austerity, more detachment, more suffering.

But being born a mystic, that is not a vocation.  And now I am beginning to sense and see, to be shown, that the priority of my existence, prayer, writing, loving, being, is as a mystic, centered in Christ, seeking union with God, doing His will and bidding for whatever earth time remains.  The hermit vocation is but a vehicle, and for some they are traveling more visibly, more actively, more in the temporal Catholic world.  The reason for my misfit is not that I am in a hermit vocation but that I am a mystic.  Am a mystic, not by choice other than God's bequeathing the mystic mantle at my conception in my mother's womb.  Am a mystic who is traveling this life now in the hermit vocation.

Thus, my writing must reflect the priority, the ordering of my body, mind, heart and soul.  As a mystic who has a hermit vocation, the beingness is that of mystic, and the modality, the vehicle, is hermit, and a more defined and stricture of hermit vocation than what non-mystics live.  The mystic thus is the burr in the sock of life, and very much in the life of parishioners and parish priests, and in religious orders where many, especially women mystics, were kept off in cells, ordered to stay to themselves such as were Faustina Kowalska and my confirmation patronness, Josefa Menendez.  

Hidden away, unacceptable to others within their own religious orders as I am to parishes and would also be to religious orders even though for temporal reasons not acceptable due to age, health, and so forth.  The temporal laws, the temporal mores, the temporal fears and suspicions--they create the sideways crosses for the Catholic mystics of the Western church.  This is my mystic way, my mystic existence carried along in time and place via a cordoned hermit vehicle.

Writing as a mystic will hopefully do more for my spiritual life and soul as well as for readers, without the occasion of sin I became for detractors caught up more in the hermit vocation vehicle or the temporal aspects of church, as I had been as well--sucked down by the snares of that which conflicted with my mystic being, my mystic soul, my mystic destiny for this life and all eternity.  Shameful that I stubbornly remained in such identity confusion, putting vocation before being, before inner destiny.

Now, I pray, that the Lord will better be able to utilize me for the writing He had asked of me years ago and in the suffering that I pray to better accept.

I italicized some of the thoughts expressed in the following redaction about mystic personalities and acceptance in context of East and West.

"The Western world has little tolerance historically for hermits, anchorites, and solitaries, let alone mystics, most of whom were objects of suspicion of heresy. Inevitably, the subjective content of their experiences were bound to enrich their understanding of theological definitions, and therein confront ecclesiastical necessity of controlling dogma and teaching. Unwisely expressed, mysticism in the West was an intolerable projection of subjectivity. But so too was eremitism.

"In contrast, Eastern cultures have not only tolerated hermits, solitaries, and mystics but fostered them. In the East the content of belief is fluid, not in the sense of relative but in being ultimately a matter of individual integration, with social and cultural latitude for this internalizing process and consequent expression.

"Such a subjective process does no harm to culture and society in the East because it is viewed as a refinement of a personal gift cultivated individually and returned in a creative way to society at large.

"In such a context, a mystic personality seems possible, even if stereotypical to critical Western onlookers. The life of the hermit, whether from historic India, China, Japan, Tibet, Thailand, or elsewhere in the East, does not threaten society or accepted beliefs. The lives of hermits are sources of edification in such social contexts. Where the lives of saints in the West serve to accommodate personality types and dispositions, this function is not taken literally but as a metaphor for expressions, carefully tempered. In the East, the saints are colorful, garrulous, even literal. It is hard to see them as merely mundane.

"The famous photo of Ramakrishna in an ecstatic state confirms to every Western viewer the stereotype of the mystic. There are some equivalents in the West but they would not be allowed such a prominent influence in spiritual practice because mysticism is an uncontrolled element in the West. Yet this ecstatic state is not a norm, and is not expressed as a norm anywhere, for the East has a more carefully mapped study of enlightenment than exists elsewhere. Shunryu Suzuki, the Zen master, was always insistent that enlightenment was not a priority, a pursuit, or a conceit. For the mundane, it is all the same to just practice.

"For the solitary in the West, the dominance of psychology and social conformity still permits a discrete pursuit of mystical themes, as even the great 20th-century physicists show. So, too, does solitude and silence have to underplay their presence in our public lives in order to safeguard themselves not from a past ecclesiastical authority but from the conformist society of the present."

Jesus Can't Have Expressed It More Clearly....

Yesterday's Gospel in the Mass readings of the Living Word cannot be more explicit.  And this is where and how I, a small dot of a nothing consecrated Catholic hermit, went wrong in my earliest years of tremendous effort trying to fit in and follow all the Catholic laws of minds and created traditions--in a dizzying effect and rather inert outcome.  

See what you think.

"He [Jesus] responded,
'Well did Isaiah prophesy about you hypocrites,
as it is written:

'"This people honors me with their lips,
but their hearts are far from me;
In vain do they worship me,
teaching as doctrines human precepts."

'You disregard God's commandment but cling to human tradition.'
"He went on to say,
'How well you have set aside the commandment of God
in order to uphold your tradition!'"

Now, I write above that I went wrong in my earliest years in all that effort to do and follow every little rule and tradition that I thought was necessary in order to be a good Catholic.  Yes, I so wanted to fit in, even though St. Catherine of Siena appeared to me in a dream and let me know that the spiritual life and remaining in His Real Presence was "not a formula."

But, the zeal to do well and do all the aspects of externals which seemed to bring the saints their results, brought me not to sanctity.  It brought me to a type of salvation from the entangling nets of human tradition, of human precepts that well-intentioned Catholics over the centuries have developed into taught doctrines.

And some of it is all right, I suppose.  We are a people needing direction and order; and traditions can help warm and uplift our desires for remaining in His Real Presence.  But they are not the Stairway to Heaven.  They are not even the handrail.

The risk of human tradition is that we lose sight and life in living God's commandment.

Love God above all things and love others as ourselves.

I think this is partly the reason why the more I strove to do all that I was reading about and learning as a new Catholic convert, the more I hit obstacles.  Who placed these much-needed, eye-and-soul-opening obstacles in my path--the realization of these doctrines of human precepts?

His Real Presence! Thanks be to God! And I kept hitting the traditions and doctrines of human precepts, much like a rubber toad repeatedly thrown against a wall.

Who can live like that and truly spiritually progress in the spiritual life of which the key, the stairway, the pinnacle is His Real Presence, and the Way and Truth and Life is His Law of Love?

Even when my angel reminded me in firmly chastising terms 9 years ago this month that I was not living nor honoring the hermit life that God had chosen for me and values very much--I turned too much of my focus then on trying to live the hermit life...according to the human precepts of hermit law and hermit tradition.

Thanks be to God that I am not a Catholic hermit by law or human precept!  I am consecrated by His Real Presence, my heart consecrated by and in His Heart.  And I am a hermit by His choosing, not by any other human's precept--not bishop nor canon law--nor by my own precept. And I also am a confirmed Catholic, anointed by the oil of gladness, a forever follower and belover of Christ.

I am simply a soul whose packaging in this world and in the life of the Church is merely hermit-wrapping.  It is how I must proceed in life, honoring, valuing, living the hermit life that God chose for me.  And what is the foundation of hermit life, or of any life, of Catholic life, of Christian life, of soul life?  It is to live the law of God, the law of His Love, the law of God's commandment.

Love God above all things, and love others as yourself.

You know, I rarely "think" about my hermit packaging these days.  The title of this blog is about the only reminder, and I wonder at it sometimes.  Would it be more to Jesus' desire to title it "A Christian Hermit" or "A Hermit Soul" or "A Hermit" or "A Soul of God" or "A Soul" or "His Love's Soul"?  

So far, Jesus has not let me know what He desires in titles.  I think He does not care so much as to the title.  He cares that what I write is from within my soul. In this earthly life I am a hermit; I am a Catholic hermit.  

His Real Presence wants me to be sincere, genuine, loving, truthful, courageous, to be all in for His Real Presence and His Church.  He wants me to live my life according to God's Law and His Law of Love, foremost--not by human precepts taught as doctrines nor by upholding human traditions as law.

He wants me to love God above all things and to love others as myself.  That, in itself, is what can become a soul's doctrine, a soul's precept, a holy soul's holy tradition.  And that, too, is in my case a soul who is all in for His Real Presence, packaged in the this-life wrappings as a hermit, a catholic and Catholic one, truly.  But the Rule of Life is the Word of Life, the Living Word, the Gospel Rule; and this my soul's existence is that of living in and remaining in His Love.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  May we live God's commandment at all times, placing our very souls in His Love and Life and Light!  May we honor God and His Church by living His Law--His law of Love.

Love God above all things, and love others as ourselves.

Catholic Hermit Prays for Wisdom

This morning is a good day to begin praying in earnest for Wisdom.  The first Scripture reading is of wisdom, and prudence in prayer prior to asking for wisdom.  

After closing the eyes, the soul begged His Real Presence for the gift of wisdom.

Then, there was a bit of time out doors, picking the remains of tomatoes, Delicata and Acorn squash, and pulling some weeds.  The gardens are rather a mess of weeds and overgrowth, rotting vines, cucumbers grown too yellow and seedy to eat, and various greens so tall and coarse and going to seed.  When another bit of energy comes, will go back out and pick the green tomatoes.  There might even be a quart of late season strawberries!

This will be the last day, for awhile, for the roadside table offerings.  People have been generous in contributions; and God's good earth has been generous in providing mounds of vegetables.  

Am feeling ill today, yet, with the sinus problem.  Am just worn out, plus am feeling the pain within of consternation, of questions about certain things, and also of the keen sense of desiring the Lord to a degree that exceeds wanting to be here.  So yearn to be with the Lord fully!

The psalm has much depth, appropriate for how the body, mind, heart and soul feels today.

Teach us to number our days aright,
that we may gain wisdom of heart.
Return, O LORD! How long?
Have pity on your servants!
Fill us at daybreak with your kindness,
that we may shout for joy and gladness all our days.
Make us glad, for the days when you afflicted us,
for the years when we saw evil.
Let your work be seen by your servants
and your glory by their children;
and may the gracious care of the LORD our God be ours;
prosper the work of our hands for us!
Prosper the work of our hands!
--Ps 90:12-13, 14-15, 16-17

The Psalm antiphon offers hope:  Fill us with your love, O Lord, and we will sing for joy!

Emboldened the two lines which ask the Lord to make us glad for the days when we were afflicted and when we saw evil.

This is pertinent right now, for am feeling very weary of the afflictions of body and mind and heart and even at times, of the soul.  The soul grieves for a purity of being in Christ and free from having to see things that are painful to see and sorrowful to sense.  How can a person be glad for the years of seeing ills and nastiness, of evil and wrong doing?  How can one be glad for seeing with inner sight and having to live with what is seen?

Perhaps the answer is in not living with what is seen, and of avoiding seeing with deep inner sense.  The sure way to not see the ills of the world is to avoid being in the world, whether or not it is the secular world of society or the temporal/secular world of the Church.

There is a certain freedom in being among people who are so steeped in the Living Word that they live in His Word.  That certainly seems better than those who live in Canon Laws, for example, or who live in their status or position or labeled vocation.  And this is not to cast aspersions on anyone in particular, but in general.  There seem to be much living in Canon Laws in the temporal Catholic Church, but then also in breaking those laws in some cases, or interpreting them in various ways, not consistent.  All that brings on more feeling of sickness, of weighty weariness, of soul disillusionment.

The hermit is praying about shifting the reference point of writing from third person nothing consecrated Catholic hermit to simply itself, a soul, a child of God, a bride of Christ.  Perhaps evade the heaviness of all that is assumed and implied and in fact created and purported that has lent to lengthy defining of a Catholic hermit in the consecrated life of the Catholic Church--and not even getting into private or public profession!  All that is sickening and unnecessary heaviness that is so far from even one line of a Psalm or one prayer asking the Holy Spirit for wisdom!  All that other is worlds away from a soul desiring His Real Presence, to be subsumed into the Trinity!

This morning was considering John of the Cross and others who hit right up against the heaviness, and the heaviness tried to take their love of Christ from them, tried to weigh them down and even in some, such as John of the Cross, tried to kill him not once but again.  In the "again" toward the end of his relatively young life, they tried to make his life so difficult, that they intentionally chose to order him to areas of the world, and then Spain, that they were sure he would dislike.  

But by then he had transcended the temporal Catholic world as it played out in his religious order.  He had left all that not totally in body, but totally in heart, mind and spirit.  And, for the most part, he had left it physically, too, as his body became ill and weakened, and he welcomed whatever horrible place he was to be sent.  The worse, the better, for he had detached and knew that if his body would die, he would be totally in eternal bliss--not just with God in mind, heart and spirit.

This hermit is being called to pay more attention to those on the other side who have over the years, given wise advice in visions, locutions, dreams, and simply by reading carefully the best documented books concerning some of them--nothing glossed over by hagiographers trying to make the temporal Catholic world seem better than it is, nor the people in it nicer than they were.

When Jesus a week ago awoke "me" in the night (for it was me who He awoke and gave the message, although it is a marvelous message for anyone interested in pondering it), He said: "Look at ME."  He did not say look at the temporal Catholic world, nor look at canon laws, nor look at diocesan games and tricks or priests or parishioners getting played, nor look at your own desperate attempts to distract or to fit into what is seen even though not wanting to see it.

He said "Look at ME."

So I am trying to, with all my body, mind, heart, and spirit.  I am not only trying to look at Jesus, but I am trying to love Him with all my heart--and yes, at this point it is rather with a desperation and clinging kind of love.  Leaving behind distractions of all types, and of those that can even cause me to doubt, takes full focus on Jesus and loving Him in blind faith.

I have certainly learned to not follow people blindly, nor would I want them to follow me blindly.  Jesus warned us there are wolves in sheep's clothing.  He did not have a lot of good to say about the temporal Jewish church in His day, that is for sure.  It was His church growing up, and the church of His nation, but He saw more than enough and said, "Follow Me."

So I will look at Jesus, and I will follow Jesus.

And I think in doing these two things, that I will be able to be quite glad to look back on the days when I was afflicted and the years when I saw evil.

God bless His Real Presence in me (and in you, whoever reads this!)  I love you, my fellow children, but you do not need to love me in return.  Jesus' love streams in on me through the window, flowing from the sun.