I think I've worked through even though it's taken me along time and much writing and praying, to simply and deeply accept and say YES, I agree to want and have you more directly now. And I add on, "Please show me what next and what is helpful in this phase."
I don't want any reader to think I have "left the "church." The Body of Christ with Christ as Head, the Church, is now not so much a place or thing, nor is it a temporal need now. When several years ago God showed me in vision the persons and objects and aspects in a type of visual metaphor of the temporal Church, and asked me, "Why would you want THAT when you can have ME more directly now?", it has taken these years to experience and consider and pray about God's will and what He meant and means. And despite my continuing to try to force forward thinking I needed the temporal Church still, that I must be misinterpreting, in part, the vision and locution, God in practicum did not allow any of my attempts to continue temporal life in the temporal Church. Even the other day I thought aloud in conversation with a long time friend and helper, "Should I try again?" He responded, "How many times would you keep subjecting yourself to what continues to be closed doors and non-acceptance? And maybe more importantly, why would you keep doing that?"
And true, the latter is the question that led me to understanding that God chose for me and was delighted for me to become Catholic, but He is showing me as in all of life, even into eternity, it is all a process through which we all progress at individual "time" and ways and means of process and progression. He leads; He guides; He wills all. God is patience but persists in helping us progress through the process, or series of processions, one flowing into the next, on and on. Probably the major flow-to-the-next is at our temporal deaths, but there are many deaths and rebirths within our temporal lives if we desire Christ increasingly, but have our hindrances tethering. God then progresses us which requires some breaking of the tethers, even ones that might seem ought be what we ought have throughout this life, in the same way, shape, and form.
No. And so I am reviewing the positives and reasons why God and what God provided and the ways in which I still attached possessiveness and my human desire for acceptance and to fit in, and my naive wish for something on earth to live out the ideal as well as to be a constant in this life, and that this would be a constant, a once-and-for-all place or thing or experience. But the soul is not created to exist like that, to essentially not progress and be brought by God through processes to closer and closer relationship and understanding of and with and through and in God. The more we desire union with God, the more we must be prepared for and accept shifts and changes and learning and growth, and letting go of even what seem to be or we think ought to be sacrosanct temporal aspects, such as the ideals of the temporal Church.
Nothing can be forced--and that includes forcing ourselves to stay in one place or phase, or to move forward beyond what God ordains, such as desiring for Jesus to come back and take us with Him. That desire cannot be forced into a reality unless that reality is based on the reality that Jesus exists in timelessness and will come take us from this life according to His will and means. It cannot be rushed or dictated by what we want in order to essentially escape the "lessons" we have yet to learn here, now, and often without knowing specifically what are these lessons nor how to learn them--or on our time frame and conditions which generally wants a rush-order job-done.
This morning I did force a praise of God, first thing. I had a determination of my will to get up from bed and be dressed and mudding the bathroom walls, doing a second and final skim coat. I wanted to do this starting at 9 a.m. or shortly after. I have come to accept that my praise of God is often forced, when I remember to praise God, but that a forced praise of God is better than no praise of God at all. And as often can be the case, a habit can become natural and unforced with practice and conscious recognition and desire. I did not, of course, do a forced praise of God without having the sincere desire to praise God. My praise of God, forced, does not mean my desire to praise God is any less than a spontaneous and rich and glorious praise of God.
Then I noticed today's Gospel reading is of Jesus' praising of God! And I noticed a commentary on praising God by Augustine. (I have come to a point of consciously not referring to these great people, great souls, as "saints" or "St." this or that because I know consciously that titles of sainthood and canonization process and confirmation on certain humans is a mechanism of humans, specifically those humans who were and are in a man-created hierarchy in the temporal Churches: Catholic, Orthodox, Anglican and other offshoots of Catholicism, and other religions in the world might designate the people they consider to be holy by some other designation. But at this phase in my progression in the process, it is important for me to let go of the man-developed mores and practices that Jesus did not create or use or find necessary or needful. Jesus is wanting all souls to be holy and to be saved and to come to the Father, to believe in the Father and Holy Spirit and come through Him, God's Son, One in Three, Second Person of the Trinity--and have fullness of life in the Spirit, and be children of God, and so forth.
Even in praising God, forced, and in praising God after reading the Living Word and deepening the reality that I am in God and He is in me, and in then praising God with deeper love and conscious awareness of God Being All and my being nothing of my own and only relevant in God and His Love and Mercy of and toward me--I could not force my body up to remain up. The physical lumbar, hip, leg, foot pain and radiating pain causing unctuous nausea, put me back on the bed for another couple of hours. And yes, I do whatever at my temporal means to help the physical situation: oral pain med to augment the pain pump release, called for appt. to increase pump release of med, anti nausea meds-- a second type when the first had litle to no effect. And the acceptance of having to get down and stay down awhile.
Change my temporal goals, and let go and let God for this morning and however long physically, just as I had o let go and let God when I accepted God more directly, and had to let go of what I loved tremendously, even too much--the temporal Catholic church of parish and diocese, of all that entails, of this and that temporal and human-developed, human-created and evolved over the years.
This does not mean I let go of my faith, or of His Real Presence in spiritual communion (spiritual Eucharist), or His Living Word, or prayer. It does not mean that I do not appreciate and find friendship in and much good help from holy persons living and deceased such as Augustine and many others, including little known holy people like the auto mechanic's secretary who is pivotal in a holy and helpful business that helps so many with love, honesty, integrity and excellence in quality of work done.
And I recommend to any and all, if seeking God: the Catholic Church. In this Church will be the spiritual, mystical Church, Christ's Church. I just don't recommend loving the externals or such, but love God more and discover His Real Presence in the Mass as in Eucharist, Living Word, and prayer. Then discover His Real Presence all the time in the "mass as our lives", in spiritual eucharit, Living Word , and prayer. Discover the mystics and the prophets and writers, the great spiritual directors, the theologians who strive to explain, and the Scriptural scholars, likewise. But know that the Church is created and intended by God as a means of process and progression, to find and have His Real Presence in Eucharist, Word, and prayer, and to recognize His Real Presence Who Is in us and in others, as we are in His Real Presence always and everywhere He Is. Learn to love to learn to love, and suffer to love and love to suffer. Love God above all things, and love others and self as God loves us.
The Catholic church is a means of many processes of progression to God, but the Church is not God Himself. The Mass is beyond description. The Mass is the stairway to heaven, and I suppose each soul must figure that out with God's individualized instruction and progressing in the processes.
I became very attached to the "Church" and so wanted to be accepted and fit in and have it remain steady, not a progression itself, so static as such, but God provided all necessary to proceed and understand that His acceptance and fitting into Him, becoming one with God, is what He ultimately and primarily and primordially desires and wills in His great love and desire for us to remain in His Love, in His ineffable Beingness.
And thus, I share here a cut-and-paste of today's Gospel reading of His Real Presence in Living Word, plus excerpt of Augustine's writing on praising God. And God Bless His Real Presence in us all!
Holy Gospel of Jesus Christ according to Saint Matthew 11,25-27.
Yes, Father, such has been your gracious will.
All things have been handed over to me by my Father. No one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and anyone to whom the Son wishes to reveal him."
"I praise you, Father"
We are invited to sing a new song to the Lord (Ps 149:1). The new man is the man who knows this new song. Singing is joy and, if we consider the matter more closely, love. Someone who understands about loving this new life knows the new song, and so we need to be informed as to what the new life is for the sake of the new song. All these things belong to the same Kingdom: new man, new song, new covenant. The new man will sing a new song and be a member of the new covenant. (…) “See!” you will say, “I am singing.” You are singing; yes, you are singing, I can hear you. But be careful that your life doesn't bear witness against your tongue. Sing with your voice, sing with your heart, sing with your mouth, sing in your conduct: “Sing to the Lord a new song.” You are wondering what you are to sing for him whom you love and you cast about for the praises to sing to him. “His praise is in the assembly of the saints” (Ps 149:1). The praise to be sung is that of the singer. Do you want to sing praise to God? Be yourself what you sing. You are his praise if you live uprightly.
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