What I've been trying to express--my soul's journey and progression--could seem as if I've "left" the Church.
No, but in a way I have progressed through the Church, for the Body of Christ and of Whom Christ is the Head, is not a static "thing" but rather a means and living procession by which Jesus instituted a means of Christians to learn, grow, assist, love, worship, pray, and support one another in our spiritual journeys as followers and lovers of Jesus Christ, God the Father, and the Holy Spirit.
I am very grateful for my upbringing as a Protestant (Methodist) and of the various denominations that due to moving when young and married, and the earthly spouse not so much spiritual but more attracted to action, we progressed tried various churches until it really came forth that was not interested much in the Christian path but rather the temporal life and with the pitfalls that the spouse had been enjoying of temporal and physical conquests, I suppose it can all be categorized, that were somewhat hidden from me along the way.
But then I was freed by being left, which was not my choice but God's way of taking me to Himself, and allowing me to return to life after a death experience, to rear three beloved children and to fulfill my mission. And that mission is my soul's progression to God, to union with Christ, and to love to learn to love, and to suffer to love and love to suffer, and to love God above all things and in God and in God's love, to love others as God loves.
Thus, I have come to understand that while I'd hoped I could just remain static in the Catholic Church which to me has been a never ending treasure chest of all matters spiritual of Trinitarian, of those God needed me to meet so I'd not feel so alone--the Christian mystics--and of so much to learn from this great treasure trove of Christian history, tradition, and faith. But the spiritual journey is not meant to be static; it is ever proceeding with God leading the soul onward.
So what I've "left", or perhaps better put has left me, or that God plucked me out of in various ways and remains firm that I will not return to that aspect, is the temporal and more human created of what has seemingly clogged the spiritual plumbing of Christ's Church--and can occur in any Christian church, not just the Catholic or it's various derivatives, rites, divisions even within what retains a certain label such as Roman Catholicism.
The human additions and structure and this and that will not progress me to God. But the spiritual remains--the soul of the Church which is Christ and those who love and seek and follow Christ. And I'm sure if any Protestants are reading this and maybe grasp what I'm trying inartfully to express--you may have encountered the duality temptation in your denomination. The spiritual can be action-oriented and as Christ in helping the poor, healing in a variety of ways, building up Christians, evangelizing unbelievers--but all that is rooted in the life of Christ, in the Holy Spirit, in God the Father's law of love. So I'm not talking about detaching from all temporal, but rather from "the world" that can be as much a world in church that is not helpful in its temporalities that clog the pipes of spiritual progression to union with God.
I've tried to get a friend who likes to write of a Catholic-labeled and canonized saint each day, to consider including that we write about some aspect of Christ's Living Word in the daily Gospel reading--just some point of interest, understanding, or question, or even take it to the application level in our daily life. But the person is not comfortable with doing that, for various reasons. I will go forth on my own seeking and tremendous desire for Christ, for His Real Presences (Father, Son, Holy Spirit) in spiritual Eucharist/communion, His Living Word, and Prayer.
Due to the mystical ecstasies during Mass which God brought me to and showed me the stairway to heaven, now nearly 13 years ago, the temporal aspects that can clog minds and concern of losing control on part of priests and bishops in grappling with such a phenomenon occurring with me, a simple parishioner--doors kept closing; the welcome mat was withdrawn either overtly or subtly. Even so much as a couple weeks ago I wondered if I should try yet again, but wise advisors were astounded I'd even consider that given also the progression of spinal pain and difficulty sitting. But mostly it was due to how obvious the Lord made the closed doors and rejections by priests and parishioners firm and quite obvious.
The great news is that I have recently understood how marvelous this is, and my joy at God bringing me into the Catholic church knows no bounds, for I understand now the process of progression, and Catholicism is going into the roots of Christ's church in history, tradition, theology--once one begins to dig and study. The closer to the time of Christ, the richer the treasures in ascertaining what is of greatest value in the soul's progression to union with God. This is not to ignore more recent examples in persons, but the whole matter of canonizations and selective editing and embellishing of lives does not help come to the reality of the suffering, for example, or the ways in which such souls who came to union with God even in brief periods and glimpses had also left or been left by the temporal world of the church, those human aspects and created laws, rules, regulations, and requirements that effectively are entangling nets for those who want to proceed to God, to be through, with, and in Him, to exist in God's love and to love Him above all else, and to love in His Love, as He loves all souls and all His creation.
For the most part, I've been stuck in a sense of guilt or something, wondering if I tried hard enough or if this is even right--until the Lord helped me to see this is merely spiritual progression, and He has been bringing me through the process all my life, for I desire Him and seek Him with all my body, mind, heart, and soul, and with what strength He has given me. I'm grasping now more deeply and with liberating and loving effect, the visions and locutions of past years; I'm on the path God desires for me. I'm effectually in the mystical Church while at the same time of course in the temporal life, and my charitable little gifts are given, and what words of encouragement to others-but my main action is that of being in His Real Presence through Prayer, Spiritual Communion, and His Living Word.
And this constitutes my life, which is also in God's natural world, in my physical body of increasing pain and limitations, in what bit of manual labor and interactions with whomever God brings to me or me to them in a variety of ways--spiritually directed by God but normal in our earthly sense. So that if not for spiritual awareness, I'd not notice that God is constantly in authority over ever detail and moment and breath of my outer and inner existence.
I'm not sure how I'm to identify myself, for God has me as a hermit, and I've come to realize there is no vow or rule of life required as God determines our vocations; this is how God chose for me, years ago, knowing what my body was going to require, and what God wanted of me in the contemplative, spiritual nature He bequeathed upon me at conception.
I guess I am as the first followers and lovers of Christ: a Christian. Yet, God brought me into and through the various Christian churches and into what is called the Catholic Church--and had that "catholic" from later in the first century as part of the descriptor or label. But "Catholic" can mean to many the more temporal aspects which humans devised and developed over the centuries, so I'm not that; the Lord has brought me through with benefit of understanding the dualities, and into the mystical and spiritual aspect of His Church of which I am in the Body and He is Head. Thus I have no desire of the temporal fussing and politicizations, of heavy-laden hierarchies and canon laws and rules, regulations, and requirements. I do not have them consciously in mind, for God's law of Love and the laws of the prophets are ingrained and always have been, from my upbringing as a Christian with Christian parents who believed in following the Ten Commandments as best we humans do, knowing we are frail to temptations at times and not alien to falls. But God's love and mercy, His and others' and our forgiveness is real in the temporal and even deeper in the spiritual.
Well, enough on all this; more than enough all my expressing of what has been transpiring. A huge shift is that I've accepted and am praising God for what He has been trying to do with me for these years in which I have been as if a person and mind and heart and soul split between worlds, trying desperately to cling to what is not necessary once God progresses us through increasingly to His way of Love, to living in His Real Presence each moment day and night, of at any moment of desiring to receive His Real Presence from Him--His Body and Blood to sustain me, of in thought or act of reading or listening such as spoke on internet--the Living Word of God, and of the never-ceasing inner and outer communication with His Real Presence: prayer.
Love in His Love, and God bless His Real Presence in us!
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