Catholic Hermit into God's Hermit: A Lovely, Holy Closing

Happened upon this quote from my Confirmation name saint, Sister Josefa Menendez.  She died on December 29, 1923 in Poitiers, France, in convent (Sacred Heart).  The diocese opened the cause for sainthood, to be a Servant of God, on November 30, 1948.  She was a mystic and victim soul, and is the first that a parish priest whom the Lord told me in locution I was to go.  He opted for private instruction for me; his choice.  

He is the priest who said I'd come to the right place, that this was where I belong, that the Church is "filled with mystics" as he swept his arm in the direction of the parish church, as we met in his rectory office.  He was excited having read some of my writings and insisted on my sharing various spiritual experiences and declared I am a mystic and a victim soul--news to me....  He explained some what is a victim soul, but then left briefly and came back with a book he asked me to read, The Way of Divine Love--biography of Sr. Josefa Menendez.  

Even Josefa's photo on the inside of the book was familiar to me from an encounter with someone--too much to explain.  But reading of her life and the messages to her from Jesus and Mary, her sufferings, her feeling different and not really fitting in for various reasons including her being Spanish but transferred to French convent of which she did not know the language.  Her mystical life and the stigmata further separated her from the others in essence, but the superior insisted on her being more removed physically, as well.  

I obviously bonded with Josefa Menendez; and that is why the date of my hermit profession occurred on the evening of Dec. 29, 2000, and why I chose her rather than St. Teresa of Avila with whom I'm deeply attached, also, as she spoke through me in a doctoral psychology class in San Diego, CA, one Saturday in May 1988.  That is another experience of which I did not begin to get into with the two emails to the bishop nor the two to the parish priest.  

This morning when I came upon this quote from Josefa, one of the locutions from Jesus to her, I found to be beautiful and better and best for a more holy concluding post on this Catholic Hermit blog site.

"It is My intention, also, to show souls that I never refuse grace, even to those who are guilty of grave sin; nor do I separate them from the good souls whom I love with predilection.  I keep them all in My Heart, that all may receive the help needed for their state of soul."  ~Jesus to Sr. Josefa Menendez

For much of this morning, given the pain is high level and burning type, I have had to rest but have wondered and asked the Lord what He wills next, and also have asked myself and the Lord, "What has happened to the goodness and kindness of the soul, to the expectant hope in God and delight in the unexpected that awaited  over 25 years ago, when younger and freshly entering into Christ's Holy Catholic Church?  I've prayed for my innate goodness to be prevalent, and am already receiving that anticipation of much good in God to open up in this next phase that He has in store.

I also came across, unexpectedly, the following letter written by another victim soul and priest saint of whom that first priest who privately instructed me and chose a most private Confirmation, which was for the best as it turned out due to yet another rare mystical experience that occurred.  Padre Pio, now Saint Pio of Pietrelcina, caught my mind and heart and guided me mystically, at one point in a waking vision telling me:  Silence and Penance!  

Padre Pio (not then canonized) in the second year of my Catholic life warned me of the tricks of the devil, in a dream, and I did not heed his warnings and showings, and fell miserably into a trap of the devil.  Yes, the Lord gave me the strength to get out of the trap, but not without much struggle.  Yet, that victory which took a few months of battle, proved to be pivotal in securing a turning point at that juncture point!  I love Padre Pio!  And I'm praying all the more that He will intercede for me and pick up the training of my soul at this time of major transition.  I promise to try to heed this saint's lessons and instructions to the best of my imperfect, human ability.

"God's spirit is a spirit of peace; even after our most serious failings he makes us feel a sorrow that is peaceful, humble, and confident, precisely because of His mercy.  The spirit of evil, on the other hand, agitates, irritates, and makes us feel a sort of anger at ourselves when we have failed.  Yet it falls very much to ourselves to practice charity in the first place.  So when you are bothered by certain thoughts, the agitation never comes from God but from the devil, since God, being a spirit of peace, brings you serenity."  ~St. Pio of Pietrelcina, Letter 549

Padre Pio, I learned from reading several books on his life as well as what volumes of his letters thus far translated into English, passed from this earth on September 23, 1968.  My beloved maternal grandmother passed on October 19 of that very year.  I had no knowledge of Padre Pio nor any saints of the Catholic Church at the time, a senior in high school, and having been reared a devout Protestant of Methodist denomination.  Yet now, each year for the past 20 years, I have renewed my vow of consecration of suffering, as a victim soul of the Sacred Heart of Jesus, and in recent years on Sept. 23--Padre Pio's passing from earth anniversary date.

How would I ever have known in 1968 that 27 years later I would be confirmed a Catholic, would realize that the strange inner life I experienced all my life that I was a mystic and also a victim soul--and that I would learn of Sr. Josefa Menendez and Padre Pio and so love them, count on them in loving friendship and needful of their holy instruction and mentorship?  

Thus I have been praying, also, asking these saints, victim souls, and mystics to be guides yet again, more fully, since I've been so distracted for a long time, in the trials and mishaps and lessons learned in the temporal Catholic world.  Now that there is this conclusion of a major phase and awaiting what it next, there is an eager anticipation once again, a return of that sense of freshness and tremendous hope in God and faith greater than what my distractions and the exhaustion of so much sufferings of various types has seemingly allowed to break through in my mind, heart, and soul!

Thank you, dear readers, for the years you've been following off and on or consistently, my sharing of the spiritual journey of a consecrated (I realize consecrated to Christ) Catholic and hermit (not rightfully a Catholic hermit given the standardized and normative establishment now of CL603 for recognizing through canonical approval of diocese hermits.  Please pray for me, and I promise my prayers for each and all of you!  

Above all:  Praise God from Whom all blessings flow, and God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: Confirmation Saint; Soul School

Yesterday, off and on, amidst the on-going higher level of suffering, I considered with great gratitude and love, the brief life of Sr. Josefa Menendez.  She died nearly 100 years ago in a convent in France where she had been sent from a brief stay at a convent in Spain, her native country.  

Not knowing French, she was otherwise cordoned off, regardless, for she was a mystic and victim soul, as well.  Jesus visited her regularly in her cell, set off from others by a superior who feared the disruption Josefa's mysticism and victim soul sufferings would create with the other sisters in the convent.  

While some might find it quite difficult to fathom how a Catholic religious, let alone a superior of a convent, be so cruel and have perhaps her own envy of Josefa's spiritual gifts and the especial love of Jesus for her, such ignorant and negative, fearful attitudes toward mystics and victim souls persist today, as they have for centuries.  

We human beings can be quite nasty and cruel, even those who profess to be in the consecrated life of the Church, even if claiming some legal status or position, or even some ordained in holy orders.  Mercy, Lord, have mercy on us pathetic creatures when status and legalism, when ignorance of God's law of love and the viciousness of pride and envy bite our very souls themselves, to a point we can no longer see our own hypocrisies.

When it came time for me to be confirmed a Catholic, I had quite the inner debate as to whom to ask to be my confirmation patron saint.  I greatly love and admire Teresa of Avila, for she appeared to me in a vision in broad daylight, in a classroom of adults in our doctoral clinical psychology program of studies.  I had done a rare thing--volunteered for a demonstration by the professor of a technique for use with patients, when instead, this old house appeared, and I was beckoned forth, to enter inside.  

Within, I was drawn to a room in the back right of the dwelling, where sat on a wood stool at a slant-top, old writing table, a woman clothed in dark, simple garment--to me like a robe-like covering, with what I later would be able to label as a religious habit, with veil or covering over her head and across forehead, but her face bespectacled, rimless.  She was an old woman, and she was writing on parchment, a quill ink pen in hand which she'd dip into a container of ink.

She indicated to me she wished to speak.  I relayed this to the professor sitting beside me in front of the roomful of adults in full and astonished silence as I had been describing what I was experiencing in real time, and the professor asking questions and suggesting questions to ask this unexpected person whom I could see clearly, but no others could see or, soon enough, hear her speaking.

So at first, when the woman began to speak, I would repeat as the professor suggested I do so--share what this woman who I could identify as seemingly from the Middle Ages, was saying to me.  But at some point early on, the woman's voice was able to use my throat and voice box, as far more efficient way of communicating her messages which soon enough were clearly great wisdoms and insights.  

Her messages were tremendous helps to me personally, and at first seemed directed to what the others did not know had occurred with me the day prior.  I had been told by a second-opinion spine specialist at Scripps Medical Center, LaJolla, CA, that my then-recent spine surgery and the emergency spine surgery after I'd died in recovery, had caused what the specialists said, would be a life of pain of which I'd have to learn to live a life I never dreamed I'd have to live.

But the old woman's insights eclipsed my personal needs and began to encompass wisdoms of spiritual dimensions beyond normal considerations.  She spoke of suffering in terms sublime and supernatural, and of suffering in conjunction with love, and into Christ's love and light, and of unconditional love, also, as means of union with Christ and of superseding physical pain.

She also, then, at the same time, seem to know the thoughts of others in the room.  She knew one woman in particular was antagonistic to what the woman was sharing, using my voice to do so.  (That in itself was a profoundly strange and unique experience for me: practical, functional, yet surreal!)  Regardless, the woman spoke out and said there is one who wishes to ask me questions, and directed this to the student in the room who had firm new age ideologies, and who was not liking one bit this woman's definite religious and Christian, holy wisdom and insights.

I will say the old woman who sat at her desk, visibly before me, and at the same time speaking through me in her stilted voice, an unfamiliar-to-me accent, but speaking in English, most definitely held her own with the new age woman.  I guess we'd say the old woman "shut her down" by wisdom and logic, if not also with a firmness of authority that astounded me--and I think others in the room, as well.  The professor was certainly speechless with this profound authority of messages elevated and as coming from beyond this world, this life.

No one else, after the new age woman's attempt to disagree with what the old woman had shared, and without a chance of coming close to succeeding against supernal truths, had more to ask.  The woman I could see and who was using my voice, finished, dissipated from view and corporeal presence.  The professor called for a class break; the adults erupted in exclamations and amazement.

So while I had no idea who was the woman in the vision and who spoke profoundly in specific ways to help me (and as it turned out, anyone) deal with suffering, understand suffering as God's perfect purpose and part of His plan, and how suffering teaches, and suffering is as God's love, and to embrace and suffer in His love--I will never forget her.  

About that time I came to encounter some Catholic writings; one such was that of Teresa of Avila's autobiography.  Still, I did not connect her as one and the same woman who appeared and spoke in what remains a first and only public, verbal encounter witnessed by a group.  I would not recognize her until I was given a holy card with a replica time-period, painting of the saint on the card.

Thus when I was deciding upon which of two persons who I wanted to give thanks and ask their patronage in my Catholic confirmation (private instruction, private confirmation), it was between Teresa of Avila and Sr. Josefa Menendez, the mystic and suffering victim soul and relatively little known woman, one of three daughters of a widowed mother who did not want her daughter to leave for the convent, until finally she relented--neither mother or daughter knowing the nuns would send her immediately to one of their convents in Poitier, France, far from her family, never to see them again.

But I had not yet made the Teresa of Avila direct connection from the prayer card image; it had not been given me yet; and I asked Teresa of Avila whose writings I so admired and felt integral connection, to help me decide.  I realized Teresa as Doctor of the Church and canonized saint, a foundress and reformer of the discalced Carmelites, was a powerfully endowed soul, indeed!  

Yet I thought of Teresa's strength of humility, and of her writings so practical and spiritually endowed, both--and figured she'd be pleased if I would take the patronage of this persecuted, misunderstood, victim soul and mystic who died young, just as in many ways my life was truncated when relatively young, my earthly crucifixion from normal life having come at age 33.  I figured Teresa to be pleased I'd befriend the little-known sister whose writings I'd just recently been given to read by the priest who the Lord had directed me to contact in another odd set of circumstances which included a locution telling me "and this is the priest to whom you are to go!"  

Sister Josefa Menendez it is!  When I finally saw a photo of her face, she looked like a dear and lovely young woman who had so willingly helped me and my three young children, following the spine surgeries and after my parents returned to their home in another state, after taking care of us for three months following the surgeries in 1987.  

How amazing is our Lord God, Creator of heaven and earth and of all life, our Teacher, our Savior, our Redeemer, our Love!

While I've shared more about my encountering so personally, Teresa of Avila, I've not shared much of Sr. Josefa Menendez other than she is my confirmation saint, and her death day ad commemoration day, thus, in my heart and mind and soul, is December 29.  I'm not sure where is her process of canonization other than perhaps in the early phase of Servant of God, if that.  It does not matter, not to her, I'm sure, in her tremendous humility and her place in heaven for eternity.  

But what does matter to me is that I have not re-read her diary (The Way of Divine Love) in a long time, and I do not think of her nearly as would be delightful to her and to Christ, and helpful to my mind, heart, and spirit.  And of my spirit--admittedly it is struggling currently in ways difficult to describe--and truly not defensible for someone who is a consecrated Catholic hermit for two decades and a bit more from the first recognition of God's calling me to this vocation.  

Even my excuses of the added abdominal suffering to the spine and tooth pain, and of the specific, strangely sensing of my unknowings in passing over into another phase--these excuses are simply as worn out as is my temporal body!  Not going to cut it in the abundance of spiritual life of faith, hope, and love in God--these excuses!

And yes, it is allowable for one to have a technically non-canonized "saint" to be a confirmation saint, for any who are into legalisms, of which law and order do have their places in our temporal lives as well as the life and structure of the temporal Catholic world, to a certain degree if not ever overshadowing God's supreme Law of Love.

My life increasingly has evolved and been enhanced so much further and beyond the fussings or claims of ones who clasp at authority in some temporal or assumed legalism, fashioned or formed.  There is a blessing in gift of enough suffering to propel one through and onto other, into supernatural realities that pare the mind, heart and soul to a nib of what one has been  (yes, a true has-been) or thought to have been--and still remain quite imperfect yet not imprisoned in ego, or delusion of position or grandeur.  

May God be praised in His gift to us of His suffering, and when we are asked to share in His sufferings of many-facets.  May we persevere in suffering, learning from Him and of His love.  Love to suffer, and suffer to love.  Some learn well in suffering; some such as myself, struggle but yet learn:  Thanks be to God. 

Pain and suffering after a certain extent of its pummeling good, is quite effective in humbling to even the humility of exhaustion.  There seems nothing remaining but God alone.  And this is only the beginning of what is positive potential of God's All, all the more to our increased and ever more increasing nothingness.

When others do not understand this, and when those without knowledge or coursework or hypocritically claim authenticity, or as if promulgating: who is this or not that, legal or not legal, authorized or not, it is only that their paths of learning in soul school differ or are in other-pace and trajectory, or that they have not yet come to grasp some part of all the lessons of mind, heart, and spirit our souls are here on earth to learn.  We are all in soul school here, learning in varying earth-timeliness and modalities.

And not to worry, if souls do not learn what it is we are to learn on earth--particularly learn to love and the various virtues such as graciousness, kindness, and humility.  Our souls will and must, simply yet incontestably, continue to learn what is not learned here.  When we pass over from temporal life to fully spiritual life, we continue our unique yet also universal soul-learning in what some have termed as "purgatory"--as a phase in eternal life of which we are purged of that which hindered us here and we did not learn to overcome or to embrace of what is necessary for great purity and light, to unite with God fully, as One.

I consider Sr. Josefa in her little cell, sewing clothing for children the convent sisters were helping, and while sewing in the solitary confinement, she suffered as Jesus' beloved victim soul, and she was far from alone despite the misguided intentions of her Mother Superior.  Her seeming isolation, yes, caused intrigue and gossip among the other sisters, but Sr. Josefa prepared by the guidance of Jesus and Mary, in her various passings, until her physical passing over once and for all from this earth, no longer relegated to a physical body or a physical cell in a distant corner of a convent in France.

She's rather ideal for this consecrated Catholic hermit, with the added sufferings physical and whatever otherwise, and in this phase of added unknowings of passings over.  God bless Josefa Menendez!  God thank her for her life and humble example of hidden nothingness and bearing suffering and misguidedly, misunderstood persecutions of all types!  God bless Josefa's human imperfections of which she was the first to note, as well!

And God bless His Real Presence in us here and beyond here, in the there that is eternal light and bliss!

Catholic Hermit: Assurance of Salvation; and God's Protective Custody

Took awhile to get a grip on the physical pain, deal with simply going to an appointment and still getting into a situation in which I need the Holy Spirit to provide wisdom in dealing with it.

Praise be to God that I am beginning to grasp the ability and ease at least in the concept, of experiencing the good and the painful as equals.  It is a gift in a level of holy indifference, and also I appreciate the pain as a grace.  I'll not continue on this topic but perhaps later on will delve into it as more is clear.

But I thought it would be good to share the statement in the article about the (Faith of) Assurance of Salvation as presented by Dr. Joel Beeke, who represents the Puritan theology or view, but the pain doctor wanted me to listen to a recording of the same as I found online in written form.  (I prefer reading before I have my ears listening to what are theological beliefs expressed by people with whom I'm unfamiliar.)  This is the statement, and I wonder if any other Catholics have ever been taught this or have read it in any of Catholic Christian theology?  I certainly have not. 

"The Roman Catholic Church said a Christian cannot have assurance [of salvation] without first having an extraordinary direct revelation from God." 

I was brought out of God's protective custody today.  But it seems I cannot but be transported from my cell to a doctor's office and back, without a carrot being dangled for me to face either disputing or being distracted and tempted to go into apologetics mode in trying to explain to the doctor why this is not correct.  The problem is that he is not likely going to move from his stance as the conversation has been put in other ways and words, on other occasions, and I'm not wanting to debate.

I could offer him my volume of The Catechism of the Catholic Church.  There will be more than enough information, or catechesis (religious instruction), in one large and comprehensive volume, whether or not he agrees or disagrees. I will pray about this idea.  And I will pray for whatever is God's purpose in the doctor appointments about every two months.  

I now realize it was my crucifix that alerted him to my Catholicism a year ago at first appointment.  Tonight, researching Dr. Joel Beeke, I see that my good pain doctor's background or interest is informed by Puritanism, which is historically, decidedly anti-Catholic.  Lord, how is it I get myself into, such as this--a most tricky situation?  Pray, that I might have wisdom and prudence, sorely needed.

It seems strange to me, or a wonderment, why such as Joel Beeke, or anyone, spends time and energy preaching supposedly what Catholics believe when it is not what we believe, instead of fully focusing on what his church believes or on Scripture?  I've experienced this aspect in other Protestant churches I was in, years ago, people teaching or preaching what they think and say Catholics believe (but we do not, in actuality).  

I cannot begin to plumb even partly all that is in the never-ending treasure chest of Christ and of all the beauty in the Church expressed in part through the Body of Christ in the writings of lovers of Christ from the apostles and saints, mystics, hermits, early Fathers of the Church, on through the centuries.  Exegesis of Scripture, theology, spiritual theology, systematic theology, mystical theology, virtues, Trinity, Christ, Holy  Spirit, prayer, Sacraments, art, music, poetry--on and on, so much to learn, read, study, discuss, love.  

As for Protective Custody, all the more I need God's protection, for I am as a repeat offender who needs to be kept in solitary confinement as much as possible, in my hermit cell.   I'm a danger to myself and a potential harm to others, in some respects, and my shelf life is drawing nigh.  I must focus on His Real Presence, the Holy Trinity, and deal with my sins and grow in love of God in Himself and love of others as He loves us, His creation, His children.

I am not seeking other in my life than whom God desires for me, and in effect I must consider as a prisoner of the Lord, that He wills me for now to have occasional contact with the prison doctor.  May the Holy Spirit guide me in prayer and providence of what it is the doctor is needing, or if concern for my salvation being a Catholic, and the obvious misinformation he is trusting in from writers and speakers he reads and hears who evidently have notions other than what is our faith, then what?  I'm open for the Holy Spirit's tutelage and inspiration.

As for other aspects in my temporal and spiritual life, I find the metaphor or comparison of my hermit vocation as it is providentially unfolding, and that of an old prisoner who is on death row, in solitary confinement, and preparing for passing from this life, having opportunity to repent of my sins, being judged, and accepting whatever is next, continuing on in eternity, seeking God the Father, Jesus Christ His Son, and the interflowing divine love of Holy Spirit.

My hermit vocation all the more makes holy sense to me.  I am not seeking more solitude for any other reason than it is best, it is God's unfolding of love for me and providing me with protective custody as answer to so many prayers asking Him to help me fulfill my mission in this life before I am to depart my body and live on, continuing the progression in His holy and perfect will.

While I anticipate I will have much yet to learn and much to be purged that is not helpful or hinders my soul, I know temporal time is of the essence, and my being prone to distractions and off into tangents not productive and in fact deleterious to mainly myself, my mind, heart, soul--solitary confinement is a relief, a welcoming school room of one-on-one tutoring.

Of the various mystics and hermit saints I have read and gotten to know through their biographies and their personal writings, the ones with whom I've most resonated, have been victim souls of one sort or other, with much suffering, and relegated to their own forms of solitary confinement, of God's protective custody.  My confirmation saint, Sr. Josefa Menendez, is one such inmate sharing my cell, as is currently St. Mary of Egypt.

So when I have communicated with the Lord of my eagerness and readiness, of my grasp of the importance and need for Him to draw me into custody, to place me in solitary confinement with only required leave-taking for requisite needs, we are in agreement that there is no need to fill in with more or others, except to share the cell with whomever of these mystics and saints whom He chooses and brings to my mind to ask their guidance and prayers.

These heavenly souls take up no space such as I do, and I am eager to learn whatever will best prepare me for whatever next, to be better equipped to pray for any intentions and needs of all souls, to live out in what time left on earth, what is set forth for eremitic life, such as devoting my being to praise of God and the salvation of the world, in assiduous prayer and penance, in manifesting to everyone the interior aspects of the mystery of the Church--the personal intimacies of Christ.

And to extend further, I submit these words on eremitic life, found in The Catechism which informs what is desired in essence of hermits within the consecrated life of the Church.  Paraphrased and adapted for first person:  I must be as if hidden from the eyes of men, and that my life be a silent preaching of the Lord,  to whom I have surrendered my life simply because He is everything to me.  This is a particular call to find in the desert, in my cell, in the thick of spiritual battle, the glory of the Crucified One.

I particularly take note of my life being a "silent preaching of the Lord."  My writing is silent if I keep from being drawn into that which is not my business other than to silently pray for God's will for all souls, for deeper conversions for all souls, for love of God above all things and love of others as God loves us, or for whatever the Lord brings to me of prayer needs.

(The idea of gifting the well-intentioned and seeking pain doctor with my copy of The Catechism of the Catholic Church is a silent preaching of the Lord.  It can be a reference for him if he wants to know what the Catholic Church teaches, regardless of if he agrees with the Church, or even if he considers how imperfect we  Catholics can be in learning and knowing all aspects or are living well, what we are taught and believe. Or I can also pray silently, and simply live my life loving Christ and His Church and loving others, even if do so imperfectly.)

While not all consecrated Catholic hermits are in protective custody and placed in solitary confinement, at least metaphorically but with as much validity and practicality as possible, temporally and spiritually it is where the Lord has been leading me, offering to me.  And in all respects other than my not having until now more fully accepting, embracing, I am realizing profoundly the goodness, purpose, and need for His protective custody at this time in my life and until He wills otherwise.

And yes, in God's protective custody, there will be permission for family visitors, for passing encounters on my lovely "prison" walks, in the brief interactions of necessary outings.  The analogy is not exact, but it is a good image and comparison--which is always helpful to me and for which I'm grateful to the Holy Spirit for giving me means to visualize in order to see His wise and needful plans as they come in the different transitions and phases of the temporal-spiritual journey!

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Mystic Hermit Reflects Further

I am zeroing in on these redacted paragraphs from Meng-hu's assessment of Mystic Personalities in 2007 blogpost, Hermit's Thatch.  Some of it is chilling to my inner core.  

I live in the Western World, and I have invested over 21 years in the temporal Catholic Church world of parishes and priests.  I have tried and tried to fit in, to donate time, energy, resources, to do good works of mercy and spirit.  Yet time and again I have been rejected in various ways, shunned, told by priests to not return, or in this last instance told that I was appreciated and welcome, when instead was an occasion of sin for parishioners and priest alike.  

It is all the same, even if at first a priest and/or bishop is intrigued or excited with having a mystic in their midst.  The problem is with the Western culture, with the scarcity of mystics which is nothing new in history: God has few mystic souls in any generation.  However, even among mystics, their roles vary, and I am having a hard time at this juncture, accepting that my role is even more extreme, more hidden, more filled with suffering than I ever anticipated.  I suppose we never anticipate such things, though, no matter our vocations, paths, callings, destinies--spiritual or temporal.

A friend just called.  God always has her call when I am stripped.  Somehow He tags her to call.  She agrees it is very sad that I am not acceptable to the temporal Catholic Church.  However, she said I am very much a Catholic.  Of course I am.  But I am trying to accept, myself, that I am on my way out into the extremes of the deep waters where I will never be able to touch ground and must swim in faith from here on out.  One can know it will be exhausting in some ways, yet freeing in other ways, particularly when I am no longer burdened by temporal issues, especially even the temporal debates that plague the administrative aspects of church, or even of vocations.

My writings as a consecrated Catholic hermit are hindered when there have been aspects of the temporal world sucking me down.  This includes quoting and explaining the vocational path of the traditional Catholic hermits very much living in the Consecrated Life of the Church.  Bottom line, as we can quote a past politician:  "What difference does it make now?"  It does not and never really did much, not to me, not to Jesus, not spiritually as a mystic. 

No, all the temporal issues and hassles and even the eremitic vocational titles and Catechism parameters or canon law repetitions and minor additions, do not really matter other than to create a cohesive vehicle for passing through life vocationally.  What matters is the soul, the spiritual ascent, the closeness with God, the desire for union and the great love that ought permeate all levels and dimensions of body, mind, heart, and soul.

My hermit vocation now appears to me as simply the vehicle of my life, which followed the vehicle of my responsibilities and joys of parenting dependent children, concluded.  Then came the joy of hermit life, of learning the ropes and living the daily and nightly eremitic existence for what will be the rest of my earthly life.  

However, it is a vehicle--like the New Balance cross-training shoes I wear upon my painful feet, or like the shirt on my back, or like the mattress upon which I recline for rest in pain and for sleep.  This vocation that is fitted to perfection to each hermit--a vehicle, a modality that the Lord tweaks and tightens, as He is tightening it for me, personally, a lot right now, stripping me further, showing the way to more austerity, more detachment, more suffering.

But being born a mystic, that is not a vocation.  And now I am beginning to sense and see, to be shown, that the priority of my existence, prayer, writing, loving, being, is as a mystic, centered in Christ, seeking union with God, doing His will and bidding for whatever earth time remains.  The hermit vocation is but a vehicle, and for some they are traveling more visibly, more actively, more in the temporal Catholic world.  The reason for my misfit is not that I am in a hermit vocation but that I am a mystic.  Am a mystic, not by choice other than God's bequeathing the mystic mantle at my conception in my mother's womb.  Am a mystic who is traveling this life now in the hermit vocation.

Thus, my writing must reflect the priority, the ordering of my body, mind, heart and soul.  As a mystic who has a hermit vocation, the beingness is that of mystic, and the modality, the vehicle, is hermit, and a more defined and stricture of hermit vocation than what non-mystics live.  The mystic thus is the burr in the sock of life, and very much in the life of parishioners and parish priests, and in religious orders where many, especially women mystics, were kept off in cells, ordered to stay to themselves such as were Faustina Kowalska and my confirmation patronness, Josefa Menendez.  

Hidden away, unacceptable to others within their own religious orders as I am to parishes and would also be to religious orders even though for temporal reasons not acceptable due to age, health, and so forth.  The temporal laws, the temporal mores, the temporal fears and suspicions--they create the sideways crosses for the Catholic mystics of the Western church.  This is my mystic way, my mystic existence carried along in time and place via a cordoned hermit vehicle.

Writing as a mystic will hopefully do more for my spiritual life and soul as well as for readers, without the occasion of sin I became for detractors caught up more in the hermit vocation vehicle or the temporal aspects of church, as I had been as well--sucked down by the snares of that which conflicted with my mystic being, my mystic soul, my mystic destiny for this life and all eternity.  Shameful that I stubbornly remained in such identity confusion, putting vocation before being, before inner destiny.

Now, I pray, that the Lord will better be able to utilize me for the writing He had asked of me years ago and in the suffering that I pray to better accept.

I italicized some of the thoughts expressed in the following redaction about mystic personalities and acceptance in context of East and West.

"The Western world has little tolerance historically for hermits, anchorites, and solitaries, let alone mystics, most of whom were objects of suspicion of heresy. Inevitably, the subjective content of their experiences were bound to enrich their understanding of theological definitions, and therein confront ecclesiastical necessity of controlling dogma and teaching. Unwisely expressed, mysticism in the West was an intolerable projection of subjectivity. But so too was eremitism.

"In contrast, Eastern cultures have not only tolerated hermits, solitaries, and mystics but fostered them. In the East the content of belief is fluid, not in the sense of relative but in being ultimately a matter of individual integration, with social and cultural latitude for this internalizing process and consequent expression.

"Such a subjective process does no harm to culture and society in the East because it is viewed as a refinement of a personal gift cultivated individually and returned in a creative way to society at large.

"In such a context, a mystic personality seems possible, even if stereotypical to critical Western onlookers. The life of the hermit, whether from historic India, China, Japan, Tibet, Thailand, or elsewhere in the East, does not threaten society or accepted beliefs. The lives of hermits are sources of edification in such social contexts. Where the lives of saints in the West serve to accommodate personality types and dispositions, this function is not taken literally but as a metaphor for expressions, carefully tempered. In the East, the saints are colorful, garrulous, even literal. It is hard to see them as merely mundane.

"The famous photo of Ramakrishna in an ecstatic state confirms to every Western viewer the stereotype of the mystic. There are some equivalents in the West but they would not be allowed such a prominent influence in spiritual practice because mysticism is an uncontrolled element in the West. Yet this ecstatic state is not a norm, and is not expressed as a norm anywhere, for the East has a more carefully mapped study of enlightenment than exists elsewhere. Shunryu Suzuki, the Zen master, was always insistent that enlightenment was not a priority, a pursuit, or a conceit. For the mundane, it is all the same to just practice.

"For the solitary in the West, the dominance of psychology and social conformity still permits a discrete pursuit of mystical themes, as even the great 20th-century physicists show. So, too, does solitude and silence have to underplay their presence in our public lives in order to safeguard themselves not from a past ecclesiastical authority but from the conformist society of the present."