Catholic Hermit: Advice for Pandemic Endurance

The daily Mass Scriptures through this Lent and this COVID-19 pandemic are uncanny in their potency of spiritual and practical sustenance for us all.  And from St. Theodore the Studite, monk at Constantinople (859-826), this portion from his Catechesis I also provides, also, spiritual and practical focus for us.

"It is our task and, in our case, an obligation to make of you the oboject of all our care, our zeal, our ministrations, by word and deed, by warnings, encouragement, admonitions and incitement...so that, in this way, we might insert you into the rhythm of the divine will and face you towards the goal set before us:  to give pleasure to God....

"He who is immortal voluntarily shed His blood.  He who created the host of angels was bound at the hands of soldiers, and He who is to judge the living and the dead was dragged to justice (cf. Acts 10:42; 2 Tm 4:1).  Truth was exposed to false witnesses, was slandered, struck covered with spittle, hung on the wood of the cross:  the Lord of glory (cf. 1 Cor 2:8) endured every outrage and suffering without himself needing these trials.  

"How could this have happened to Him who even as a man, was without sin and who, to the contrary, snatched us away from the tyranny of the sin through which death came into the world and falsely took possession of our first father?

"So there is nothing surprising about it if we submit to even one of these trials since such is our condition....  Therefore, we too have to be offended and tempted, afflicted by the cutting off of our wills.  According to the interpretation of our Fathers, there is in this a shedding of blood for this is what it means to be a monk [hermit, lay person, a Christian, a citizen of country and of the world].  And we must gain the Kingdom of heaven in that way by spending our lives in imitation of the Lord....  Apply yourselves zealously to your duties in the thought that by means of them, far from being slaves of men, you are serving God."

In short, and bluntly, let us all humble ourselves and sacrifice at this time.  STAY IN if you absolutely do not have to go out and about.  The person in neighborhood yesterday texted they're going out again and had gone to stores plus out hiking with pets day prior.  Said felt "great--only has runny nose!"  This is after two days over weekend of chills, then sore throat, headache, sore glands and chills. Yesterday list of symptoms to be concerned with, at top of list is:  runny nose.  The person is  over 65 with underlying lung issues; seems incapable of just staying home.

Awhile ago was calling me; I did not answer.  Figured the person was going out yet again shopping, and no, I do not need a thing.  Nor will I.  I have more than enough to make do for a long time, and if my COVID-19 test comes back negative, I will go out on the patio and plant vegetable seeds including greens and radishes that will be edible in a couple or three weeks.  Have canned goods and dried fruit if go through what's in the refrigerator.  

Sure enough, that is what the person was calling about.  My rather pointed text yesterday morning--CONSIDER STAYING IN--did not make a dent nor did it insult enough to get the contacting me to cease.  Given that the virus stays on plastics up to three days and might end up being longer, and  it stays on paper and cardboard for 24 hours, I do not want even more items at my door I'd need to be wiping down from someone with a runny nose or anything else.  

Yesterday I did locate a new doctor, an internist, for future.  But the ER doctor insisted I be rechecked in two days, yet the internist's office had to involve the triage nurse, who needed to determine with others how to accommodate someone who is under COVID-19 test result watch.  They were going to have to develop a protocol to get someone with all the symptoms and ill, into their facility somehow.  In the meantime, I decided there is no way that I have the oomph to go out, nor do I want to potentially infect others with COVID, nor with whatever I have.

Today I called them and said I believe the ER doctor was going by usual ER policy, of the patient needing to get a re-check by doctor in 1-2 days.  If I were worse, I'd return to ER.  I'm not worse.  I am thinking positively that I've turned the corner, but in the night I awoke in a sweat and needed to use the nebulizer.  So I'm not over this, either.  Only two temperature upticks or surges today, which is down from prior.  Third day of the Azithromycin, the cough pills are helping me not cough as much, the lungs still hurt but I'm thinking positively that not quite as much or at least not more.

The internist's office was relieved and appreciative to my decision.  I had the sense at the ER on Monday afternoon, that they were still working through some of their protocol and had not had that many come in yet with the coronavirus symptoms.  I'm sure they'd had some, as the nurse who did the swabs (that go wa-a-a-y up the nose into the sinuses, so not the simple, painless swab test I'd anticipated--and in the throat more extensive than a typical strep swab) said I handled it better than others she'd done up to then.  I tried to insert levity by saying my having to be on pain meds helps. Humor helps.

My main efforts from bed have been to write elsewhere online and communicate with others via email and text, sharing what I'm learning and what I was told to do and not do.  I plan to write a blog post that gives example of what is entailed in wiping off surfaces.  That in itself is quite the chore, and I've not been well enough to have wiped everything fully, once.  The more stamina I gain as I improve, the more I can be up and wiping this and that with antibacterial bleach wipes.  Today I realized need to be disinfecting toothbrush heads.  Soak them in peroxide after each use.

After falling back to sleep from my 3 a.m. wake-up, I awoke this morning with my left eye seemingly infected.  What?  I did rub the heavy matter off before realizing not to touch eyes; was still sleepy.  But I realized that I'd not wiped my glaucoma drop bottle, and more so, I'd not wiped the tip that touches my eyelids when I put drops in at night.  I also had not wiped the inside of the cap which the tip touches when the cap screwed back on the bottle.  Thankfully, I had some antibiotic eye drops and am praying that they are yet viable as had them a couple years ago when got splinter in my eye.

So I think some practical reminders and sharing what I'm learning as I go along, while waiting for the COVID-19 test results, might be useful to you readers.  Even if you are not ill, we could all adopt some preventative measures as we, hope-in-God, are sheltering in place unless vital we venture out--and this for any age group.  

Daily more research is uncovering additional information.  In Italy, Spain, and France there are young people now showing serious symptoms and testing positive to the virus.  These are young people who previously were quite healthy and no underlying conditions.  This virus seems to be evolving, unfolding, and even shifting in symptoms and severity among age groups.

Let us consider--while we do the practical actions to help keep others and ourselves well or not getting worse, not contaminating others--reading over and pondering what St. Theodore the Studite taught his monks and left for the ages his writings that can serve us all well in this global pandemic of which no one has experienced prior.  As is said by the US President's Task Force, the President, and many state leaders and religious figures:  "We are all in this together, and together we will overcome." 

But we will succeed by all of us turning to God and by being willing to humble ourselves and sacrifice our own fears and what can truly seem selfish wants.  Cooperate with what the Task Force recommends.  Stay in unless necessary and crucial we go out, preserve the health of medical personnel and law enforcement, stay calm and trust in the Lord, and PRAY and PRAISE GOD.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: Lord, Have Mercy on Us

Well, the Lord is doubling down on humility with me.  Even my attempt to share with the person who admitted to chills on Saturday and was sick with sore throat, headache, sore glands yesterday and wise got into bed, has totally ignored my bother in texting how this illness really does need to be contained, and to stay in!  Even if a person thinks just a sore throat, just chills, might be just a cold or just swollen glands for no reason (?!!), STAY IN.

So I get a text this morning that the person and spouse were heading out the door to go shopping.  Do I need anything?  I was incredulous and texted back asking if the person is well?  No response to that.  But by time I texted, they leaving one store and were headed to another--Walmart.  What? Said could go back to the grocery if I needed anything. 

Lord, have mercy.

No, I don't need a thing.  Nothing has changed since yesterday here other than one less banana and a little less oatmeal but have more than plenty.  I tend to shop at Costco which sells items bulk, and since my hermitage has garage and I'm in here alone with God, solus Deus, I am blessed with room for items that then I don't need to replenish many of them, for a year or more.  Saves money in long run.  

And now with the economy as it is, and will be for awhile, frugality is important for a hermit who at some point could need to pay for nursing home care.  Can't qualify for long term health insurance nor could qualify for any insurance until age 65 when fortunately former spouse had plenty of "points" and legally then could qualify for Medicare.  I certainly did not have enough "points" as have not been able to be viably employed due to inconsistency of severe pain.  

But I have to pay in full for the Medicare, and along with a supplement now which I must have in order to cover what Medicare does not pay for me to remain financially solvent in event of major medical needs, my insurance payments use 1/5 of income before taxes. Just explaining one hermit's health insurance situation and the costs involved, but praise God for having it now for the past nearly four years!

Back to the situation of the person who disregarded all that I'd bothered to text:  this is part of the problem of people not taking COVID-19 seriously.  This goes for the many, especially older people seemingly, who are incapable of staying put for more than a day even when common sense and consideration of others would dictate to do so when having symptoms of illness during a global pandemic.  Or maybe it is pride in thinking they feel fine so why stay in?

A spiritual friend was in contact wanting prayers for infant grandson undergoing five hours of surgery this morning. The friend also mentioned 87-year-old mother with asthma, with walker, insisting on going to grocery today in an area that has seen uptick of cases even though testing has not yet been set up there for volumes of persons to be tested.  With help of a sibling who is in medical profession, they convinced the elderly mother to stay home.  (Very devout Catholics, all, so not a matter of having no sense of virtues.)  But the elderly mother is still going to the hair dressers.

I laughed at the irony, for had read an article of how everyday life needs to be considered, and of the barber and beauty shops in which those washing hair and cutting it, have their heads closer to their clients' heads than in most any other provided service.  Dentists perhaps as much although they wear protective masks and often face shields, plus gloves and use head gear with magnifiers to better see, or use cameras and screens to view detail of mouths, as do surgeons.  I considered the other customers in a barber and beauty shop in close proximity, but the friend said there was going to be no convincing the elderly mother to forego her beauty for awhile even if the friend had offered to wash the mothers' hair and set it.

I guess keep up the spirits by laughing even if very sad that there are so many aspects of our own unpreparedness for a virus pandemic crisis.  The leaders can only advise; we have to do as the experts ask.  Humility and sacrifice, we citizens need to embrace.

I did receive a call back from someone who'd gotten my message Friday evening as to the nearby ER phone number being incorrect on online website.  In meantime some user had written in the correct number to try, even if the print in orange was difficult to read.  I called the ER and did mention my concerns not only of the incorrect phone number but wanting to pass along that patients might have lighter symptoms and not be at death's door.

The person I spoke with said they are starting to grasp that reality.  I mentioned they might not be at point of pneumonia, but have all the symptoms, or not all of them.  We are all in this rapidly escalating learning curve, that is for sure.  And as for my situation, my lungs still hurt a lot, fever down this morning but still slight, still coughing, only one time of some chills, still wiped out, and sinuses still an issue but some better.  There is no reason to go to ER although the person on phone said they are there if I need to come in.  No, but I know to stay in, to stay down.  Praying for others who have symptoms to do so.

Thankful for a woman interviewed on national news who had similar situation.  A nurse probably in early 40's, whose symptoms began with sniffles.  She was told nothing to be concerned about by two providers.  Finally she had husband take her to ER as she as having hard time standing without feeling faint.  (Had also had body aches and as if stabbing muscle pains that had subsided but the feeling of fainting and simply "not feeling good" continued.)  He took her to ER, and she tested positive for COVID-19, and has viral pneumonia.  That had developed over the time she was sick, but did not mention coughing as a symptom.

So we must be vigilant.  I declined ER and will unless my lungs were to worsen.  I absolutely do not want to spread this to others by going anywhere.  The ER person did tell me to reach out to those I'd been around so they'd be aware I likely have it.  Thankfully as a hermit, and being as sick as I was initially, I was not out and about.  But I've alerted those I visited as well as the parent of youngster I'd been asked to transport twice.  Even then, thinking I had sinus infection, I had us roll down truck windows.  Youngster has been fine and incubation period would be over.  Yet the problem is that young persons are more likely to not have symptoms.

So I figure what the Lord wants of me is to keep PRAYING for salvation of the world and souls, for health to be restored, for people to "play hermit" a little and hunker down especially if feeling under the weather, and for me to keep PRAISING Him for all the good that He will bring from this situation.  I'm certainly, myself, appreciating the added humility that comes from not at all being heeded by the person who has been out and about today, even though the spouse could have gone, or better yet, and adult family member much younger could pick up their pet food and human food they wanted--abundance of caution.  We will see how that situation unfolds. 

But we see just the obstacles those trying to lead us through this be it national or state level, or community level or the ER's and the health providers who now are surely becoming aware to not be dismissive of cases that don't fit neatly into their initial criteria for the virus.  Yes, I would love to have such as a nebulizer to breathe in healing and soothing medicated air into my lungs.  I recall my mother using that equipment in her 18 months on earth with a mystifying case of pulmonary fibrosis that killed her gradually.  Never a smoker, not a coal miner!  The specialists said she must have been exposed to asbestos or some substance even years ago, or when young.

However, I don't want to wear myself out further by going anywhere at all, and I don't want to even expose ER personnel.  I can't be sure it was one of the first two planes--could have been Uber driver or virus in his car from some passenger without symptoms, or thinking had but a cold or "sniffles."  We all must do our best, though, to humble ourselves and sacrifice our routines and desires, and to practice the virtues especially of patience, self-control, fortitude, faith and hope in God, and above all, charity!

As St. Padre Pio always told people with concerns:  "Pray, hope, and don't worry."

God bless His Real Presence in us! 

Illegal Catholic Hermit: 20th Anniversary of Consecration of Suffering

I found this selection written by Baldwin of Ford, 12th c. Cistercian abbot and later, Bishop, to be apt on this 20th anniversary of my vow of consecration of suffering.  I awoke with so much pain, that it is well to be reminded of what all the suffering is offered.  To Whom, for, why, with, and what it all entails--of which the following helps focus me and gives me strength to hang on in Christ, through the high level of pain of which medications merely take off an "edge."  (But I am most grateful for that or any "edge" lessened.  I truly could not bear it, and the Lord knows and has provided what most merciful bit of temporal help.  Thank you, Lord Jesus!)

"Jesus broke the bread.  If he had not broken the bread, how could its portions have come even to us?  But he broke it and distributed it, 'he has dispersed and given to the poor' (Ps 111:9).  Through grace he broke it to break his own and his Father's wrath.  As God has said:  he would have broken us if his Only beloved, 'his chosen one, had not stood in the breach before him, to turn away his anger' (Ps 106:23).  He stood before God and appeased him; by his indestructible strength he stood upright and unbroken.

"As for himself, he willingly broke and offered his flesh, broken down by suffering.  There it was that he 'shattered the power of the bow' (Ps 76:4), 'crushed the heads of Leviathan' (Ps 74:14), of all our enemies, in his anger.  and there he broke, as it were, the tablets of the first covenant so that we might no longer be under the Law.  There he broke the yoke of our captivity.  he broke all that was breaking us to restore in us all that was broken and to 'set the oppressed free' (Is 58:6).  For we were, indeed, 'bondsmen in want and in chains' (Ps 107:10).

"Good Jesus, even though you have broken your wrath, still, today, break the bread for us who are yet hungry, poor beggars that we are....  Each day, then, break this bread for those who hunger.  For today and every day we gather up some crumbs, and every day we are in need of our daily bread again.  'Give us this day our daily bread' (Lk 11:3).  If you will not give it to us, who will?  In our destitute and our need there is no one to break bread for us, no one to feed us, no one to restore us, no one except you, O our God.  "In every consolation you send, we gather up the crumbs of the bread you break for us and taste: 'how sweet is your mercy' (Ps 108:21)."

There seems a direct correlation between my renewing my vow of Consecration of Suffering, yesterday morning before Mass, in the day chapel of Church, and the added challenges that were given me yesterday and today.  Challenges to bear various forms of suffering, the least probably being the physical pain--yet that makes it harder to detect how the devil is also allowed to try to weaken the resolve and mitigate the power of the genuine and loving offering of my pain to the Lord, all these twenty years.

From the vow of Consecration of Suffering, I offered and yet offer as sacred all my suffering:  past, present, and future--pains of rejection, humiliations, insults, physical ailments and injuries, emotional distress, mental depressions, spiritual torments and doubts, remorse due to sins, loss of self-identity, ignorance, pride, and human failings.  I offer all pain I have knowingly and unknowingly caused or will cause to the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, the Virgin Mary, the angels and the saints, and any holy creatures or holy creation. 

I offered and yet offer myself (body, mind, heart, and spirit) as an immolation for Holy Mother Church, to consciously accept God's declaration to me that my suffering and the suffering of Holy Mother Church shall be made one. I offer to suffer now and forever, if this be the will of God, as reparation for the pain of infidelities, assaults, dissensions and indignities caused to Holy Mother Church by myself, any laity, and any religious persons in the past, present, and future.

There is more, such as making this vow by the grace of God, the love of Christ, the power of the Holy Spirit, and the maternal protection of the Blessed Virgin Mary.....  This statement, though, today I find to be important for me to remember and live out.  I pray to respond and react to all suffering with Jesus' love and to inspire with love, those who may be the cause of my sufferings.

I include other aspects, such as making the vow and of offering self in all aspects, including choosing and accepting whatever includes greater self-mortification with the guidance and approval of my spiritual father.  Vows of consecration of matters of difficult and major temporal and spiritual importance and depth, ought be discerned, guided, approved of by a holy and wise priest, with years of proven experience in spiritual life and direction, of faithfulness and service to Christ and His Church.

Then comes the various witnesses and reminder of for Whom and what I am making this complete fiat, this total offering of self as an immolation.  And from whence did the inspiration, the deep and heartfelt desire arise from within my mind, heart, and soul for such a vow of Consecration of Suffering?  It came from His Real Presence, from that innermost part of my soul--the understanding, the intellect, and the will and beyond those parts of the soul in which the soul abides in Christ's Heart, in His Love.  I did add, in handwriting, this personalized portion of Scripture that came to me as of value in summation:  May the Lord be pleased to crush me in all my infirmities.  

["And the Lord was pleased to crush him in infirmity:  if he shall lay down his life for sin, he shall see a long-lived seed, and the will of the Lord shall be prosperous in his hand" (Douey-Rheims Is 53:10).  "But the LORD was pleased to crush him, putting him to grief; if he would render himself as a guilt offering, he will see his offspring, he will prolong his days, and the good pleasure of the LORD will prosper in his hand" (New American Bible Is 53:10).]

So it is that I must remember my avowal, the first time reading all of it kneeling while doing so, and my late Spiritual Da the in persona Christi.  In subsequent years it has been some parish priests as well as a monsignor--given the honor of this designation after years service as Cathedral rector, Diocese Chancellor, Vicar General.  

Otherwise, in years of increased hermit solitude, I renewed the vow with Christ alone as my witness, as He was, and all the apostles and Virgin Mary, and the various other saints canonized and otherwise, and angels I included yesterday in the day chapel.  I noticed in 2008 I added this request of Jesus:  Lord, please crucify me once and for all.  Thy will be done.  I have no reason to doubt that my request has and will continue to unfold according to God's perfect plan and Divine Will.

Back in 2000, I pricked a finger and placed a droplet of blood in a small heart I'd drawn, at the bottom of the page.  My late Spiritual Da was particularly touched by that gesture, small as it was, for I--as St. Paul or whomever the author of the Letter to the Hebrews wrote after much --have not yet suffered unto blood (Heb 12:4).  

Well, today is half spent, and I must do an act of charity which requires effort in pain management--all offered to Christ for the uplift and good of souls, of Holy Mother Church, of all the various ways and means of which my vow of Consecration of Suffering is meant all these years.  Much suffering has been offered and has in reality passed from my small self to whatever expansive ways the Lord has been able to utilize what to me is much.  "To whom much is given, much will be required" (Luke 12:48).

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Dear Jesus, please help us learn to love as God loves, to love God in Himself and others as He loves!


[Postscript:  The last time, several years ago, I wrote of my vow of Consecration of Suffering, the one nemesis had quite a bit of negative innuendo to state of my little drip of blood--attempting to make of it some terrible wrong, a perverse ritual or demented action.  Of those who wish to deride and twist of my loving and beloved heart of and in Christ's Heart, my consecration includes such as these who do not grasp how much Jesus is pleased with the human and heartfelt fiats as long as not harmful, of course.  What Christ desires, wills, and finds even precious of His beloved children's simple, symbolic offerings are heartfelt tokes of love to Him.  My body has not suffered from the loss of a drop of blood; far more has been lost in surgeries, blood draws, and the bloody head injury, for sure.  Mercy, was blood all over the place and on me!  It is usual in the spiritual life, for some to be ready and wanting to pounce--the wolves in sheep's clothing or even those who think on different levels than do others, those of us who are sensible yet sensitive to the nudges of Christ in our hearts, and us in His.  Keeps us focused in faith and hope in God, and very much on our effective toes!]

Bastardization of a Mass

The title pretty much explains what occurred during Mass.  The good Lord allowed a begging hermit to be released to leave the debacle.  When a priest does not have a vocation in priesthood but instead in theater and the arts, the result is not good when one is trying to perform in what is not the vocation.

This hermit's body has returned to the hermitage to pray, suffer, and pray some more, then praise His Real Presence.  There needs to be praise, always, for the sorrows can be overwhelming.

Will discuss the situation with the spiritual father.  For now, recollect oneself in prayer and shake off the horror, the hell, of the effects of this morning's Mass situation.  The sacrifice of being mercifully wrenched from a hellish situation part way through is offered for the salvation of this poor nothing consecrated Catholic hermit's soul and whatever the Lord wills of its mission in time remaining on earth.

Jesus bequeaths us His peace, not hell--especially not during Mass.

Would it do any good to talk with the one who surely must be trying to at least fulfill the rudimentary aspects as it relates to doing a "job"?  No.  Best to just pray and to keep working, and to embrace the exile the Lord has allowed for yet another year.

God bless His Real Presence in us, and that includes His Real Presence in all of us, despite confusing our callings or taking up what seems the route that provides some kind of security in order to express what and in which our nature and heart are more gifted.

This hermit will ponder these matters and reflect upon its own vocation and calling, and strive to fulfill living it in a way pleasing to the Lord.  That will be perhaps the best prayer in the circumstances.  Mystical ecstasies during Mass are not always bliss.  Being in such a state allows for a very deep sensing and showing at various levels.  When good, then bliss; when not so good, then hell.

At least this hermit tried and tried its best.  To soothe the criticism of any potential blog readers who like to attack, this hermit can say it is the hermit's fault, all of it.  And, in some regards, yes, we are to suffer in union with Jesus, all things.

One thing is certain regarding mystical experiences.  There is much suffering and responsibility, and always abject honesty in truth, along with the joy.  When in mystical ecstasy, it is all reality and all truth; nothing is obscured.

Catholic Hermit Reminded of OPM

In writing of branches, and that some are taken away, this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit is reminded of the Order of the Present Moment and God's Sovereignty.

Nothing is set in life, not when we are in the Order of the Present Moment according to God's will.  So it is not always one way or another, but we take life as it comes.  We try to be good branches, bearing good fruit because we strive to remain in His Love, and thus He is in us.  He is the Source Who creates, not us on our own.  But if we are in Him, He can do all things in and through us, such as producing good fruit.

Surprises come.  We try to make the most of whatever opportunities arise for us to do what is loving and good.  This morning this hermit made a phone call to one of the adult children.  It is the birthday of this adult child who has not, for quite some time, answered nor made any mode of contact--not even on the hermit's birthday.  This time, though, the call was answered.  There was a present moment lovely conversation, an opportunity for the hermit to find out about the other's current activities and that of their family.

Reality comes, also, and the hermit knows that in the Order of the Present Moment, moments pass.  The unexpected surprises pass; there may not be any more contact for a long time; and we must simply continue to love.  As in this morning's Mass Scriptures, we are told to "Love one another for love is of God."

This is true of every present moment.  Love is the perfect action and reaction in the Order of the Present Moment, and love remains true of moments passing and moments becoming.  Love is the constant perfection.  Hold fast to love and let love be the action and the reaction.  God's Love Is.

Have no other expectations, but learn to love to learn to love. Love is the order of the Order of the Present Moment, and love is of God.  God Is Love.

Yesterday the hermit had another surprise.  All week it had been celebrating mothers by sending notes or making phone calls, expressing the attributes of these women which are considerable, and telling them so.  In fact, the hermit gave them each a "Mother of the Year Award"--which is laughable and the recipients knew it, for such an award given carries no temporal credibility or validity, no renown or publicized esteem.  

However, the hermit explained that the award carries with it the love of God and His Touch, as He is the One Who placed the various mothers in the hermit's mind and heart, reminding the hermit of the ways in which these women have been marvelous mothers.  

This Mother of the Year Award actually has the greatest of merit as it is God's award.  We all can grant God's awards to whoever He points out to us. Repeating the insights God gives us as to why others are beloved, prized, and deserving of honor, is a way He teaches us to love others, by and in His love for them.

Last evening the hermit was invited to meet in a busy restaurant in civilization, with another family member.  It was a present moment invitation, and while it cost the others in travel time and expense, and it cost the hermit in travel time and sitting pain, and the bodily repercussions very much so today as a result of the effort to go, to sit, to be in crowds, the Order of the Present Moment taught and teaches always to go with God's flow, expect the unexpected, and to sacrifice as a means of learning to love to learn to love.

Today the hermit is going to try to walk a mile for love.  It heard of a mother who died shortly after her baby was born, as the mother had cancer and refused chemotherapy so as to not harm the baby in her womb.  A filmmaker of a documentary on mothers, began a walking event in honor of that mother and asks that people walk a mile (in high heels--which the hermit will not do--has none) to raise money for the type of cancer which took the life of the young mother.

The filmmaker also asks that those who walk a mile, do so while pondering mothers.  The hermit will do this, yes!  The pondering will be upon the love of mothers, the love of the Mother of God, the love of its own mother, the love of the many women who are granted in love the Mother of the Year Award--mothers all over the world, past, future, and in the Order of the Present Moment.  The walking and pondering will be a prayer of love.

The hermit is reminded to pray for healing for all branches. Perhaps if the hermit could learn to love to learn to love, more and more and more, His Real Presence will grant the gift of healing to all the branches the hermit's life touches in each present moment, or has touched, or will touch--or has touched and damaged or will touch or damage, or touches and damages.  We humans (even hermit humans) can touch with all the love we'd love to have to share, but we also damage in our touching when we do not at all intend to damage.

Love very much includes pain.  And love also is a major ingredient in healing.  Love heals because God Is Love, and He heals with His Loving Touch.  It is that irony of loving suffering, that we read of (and some of us know from experience) and in which angels have been known to thrust a fiery spear into our hearts, or into other bodily areas that unite us to the wounds of Christ.

In the Order of the Present Moment, God asks of us all:  Love.

Be an Immolation

The heavy suffering continued through the night and am woozy and weak and pained today.  Am trying to do some watering, tree by tree, laying down the hoses, running two at once.

Last night I prayed fervently, asking the Lord what He wills of me.  I awoke in the night and heard His Voice say:  Be an immolation.

It seems as if sometime in the past years, He has told me that, but I'm not sure.  There has been much, and I am rather worn out.

I looked up the word immolation, although I know what it means.  A sacrifice.  A victim.

I did not realize it was first used in the 1500's, not prior.  But, other words such as sacrifice and victim have been used far longer.

It all comes to the same or similar intent and meaning.

Be a sacrificial victim.

Lord, I am trying to hang on.  It is not easy.  It is not easy in isolation, under living conditions very rugged.  The symptoms of the suffering make it all the more difficult.  Well, it is the greater immolation, all this.

I hope to write more, later, on some details of the time of the death experience in 1987.  It is not all that important.  Perhaps it won't inspire others or give them hope or more faith that God is so real.  Yes, these things, such as "Be an immolation" and a death experience--dying and being sent back--mean much to the person who experiences and probably not much to others.  I don't mean to build up any expectations.  My time with God was not all that long at any given stretch.  I was not in heaven but rather in the anteroom which is heavenly enough in itself.  Being within God in such intimacy is supernal.  The closest to it on earth has been the mystical state during Mass.  But that was just a taste of the Feast to come.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Devil Operates on the Painful Past

Without His Living Word today--the reminder to lean on God and bring Him the sacrifice and thanksgiving of praise--life here would be markedly pathetic.

Even though one can intellectualize and discern--both--that the devil is having a fine time of it infil- trating the thoughts, dealing with it is like combat zone.  The devil knows when one is tired, depleted and struggling with physical pain, and yet having to do some manual labor.  He knows when the weather is muggy or whatever causes more bodily ills. 

If there is a crevice or loophole, the devil will be right there to engage in trickery.  Any chance to take the body, heart, mind and soul away from God Is Love, is the devil's raison d'etre.

Today the thoughts drooped to the theme of rejection.  The mind went way back to the day my husband came in at supper time, after work, and announced he did not want to be married anymore.  It was less than a month after the drunk teen hit our car.  I had the lasting injuries; he had none.  It is not worth going into the details, but the mind easily went to that day, hour, location, details of events, words said, and facial expressions as well as how my body and emotions felt, and the thoughts in my mind.  I remember our three little children distinctly.  We had just moved to a totally new area, and I knew but a handful of people, barely.

Then the thoughts snapped to a year ago, and my son's becoming angry over something he did not understand and would not listen to explanation.  He cut off our relationship totally.  Thinking about this sorrow, on-going and rather fresh, the thoughts turned to some regret at having sacrificed so much financially to put him through a Catholic university which was so off-the-mark, as I found out later, that he become confused and left Catholicism and has nothing to do with God now.

The thoughts then turned to rejections within the Church-- odd ones and harsh ones.  On and on, like hop-scotch, the thoughts jumped, following the little thought-stones the devil tossed.

And amidst it all, my bodily pain at the weepy point already, I knew I was being toyed with by the devil.  Yet it was hard to thrust the memories and painful thoughts far away and out.  I'm not sure one can truly get memories out for good, because some seem very ingrained in our minds due to the traumatic nature of certain occurrences.  But surely they can be transformed.

Between the memories of horrible events and sorrows, I would praise God repeatedly and try to think of something current that is positive.  Now, when the bodily pain is very high, that is most challenging. But I tried, and even though it did not seem as if I was winning the conflict, I was steadfast in word-praising God within my mind and sometimes aloud in the solitude of watering and laying out cardboard around planting beds.

(I am going to put mulch over the cardboard as I've read that makes for good weed prevention and soil builder.  Yes, maybe it is like what we need to do to prevent the devil and build our souls.  Kill what we can of the weed memories, and then cover over with heavy cardboard insulation, screening out all that is not good, and build up soil that will be better.)

Thoughts also turned to some of the spiritual uplifts and consolations the Lord has so generously given, including my beloved children, whether all of them like me or love me or speak to me or not.  The thought did come that the devil can work on others, too...sowing discord, confusion, and ugliness.  And they may not be used to the tricks of the devil or to know to praise God and otherwise try to combat with love and present moment faith.

While I'd like to remain in bed right now, and knock out for the night to rest the pained body, there are yet some responsibilities needing my attention.  However, God did send quite the consolation when my daughter called to say they would be out again this Saturday to help get the rest of the cabinets installed.  At the same time, I had another onslaught of droopiness that just about threatened the consolation with desolation--by my simply mentioning the day's struggles against past memories.  Don't do that!

But no, the human soul can learn to flex and call upon His Real Presence for strength in battle against the painful memories.  

Reasoning helps, but it probably  most likely comes down to faith and knowing that if such as His Living Word resonates (like bringing God our thanksgiving), we will be tested in that lesson of praise.  And when tested, even if we falter, we come right back with what we know to be the antidote to the darkness and tricks of the devil. 

Go inside to the abode of His Real Presence, and sip deeply of His Cup of Suffering and also of His Sacrifice which is the praise of glory for each of our souls.  We are saved due to Christ's death and resurrection; and with Him, daily, no matter the onslaughts such as painful memories or painful bodies, we can rise because we remain in His Love, and He has made His abode in us and us in Him.

We carry forth and are saved by His Love.  Jesus never rejects our imperfect love.

God bless His Real Presence in us!