Illegal Catholic Hermit: 20th Anniversary of Consecration of Suffering

I found this selection written by Baldwin of Ford, 12th c. Cistercian abbot and later, Bishop, to be apt on this 20th anniversary of my vow of consecration of suffering.  I awoke with so much pain, that it is well to be reminded of what all the suffering is offered.  To Whom, for, why, with, and what it all entails--of which the following helps focus me and gives me strength to hang on in Christ, through the high level of pain of which medications merely take off an "edge."  (But I am most grateful for that or any "edge" lessened.  I truly could not bear it, and the Lord knows and has provided what most merciful bit of temporal help.  Thank you, Lord Jesus!)

"Jesus broke the bread.  If he had not broken the bread, how could its portions have come even to us?  But he broke it and distributed it, 'he has dispersed and given to the poor' (Ps 111:9).  Through grace he broke it to break his own and his Father's wrath.  As God has said:  he would have broken us if his Only beloved, 'his chosen one, had not stood in the breach before him, to turn away his anger' (Ps 106:23).  He stood before God and appeased him; by his indestructible strength he stood upright and unbroken.

"As for himself, he willingly broke and offered his flesh, broken down by suffering.  There it was that he 'shattered the power of the bow' (Ps 76:4), 'crushed the heads of Leviathan' (Ps 74:14), of all our enemies, in his anger.  and there he broke, as it were, the tablets of the first covenant so that we might no longer be under the Law.  There he broke the yoke of our captivity.  he broke all that was breaking us to restore in us all that was broken and to 'set the oppressed free' (Is 58:6).  For we were, indeed, 'bondsmen in want and in chains' (Ps 107:10).

"Good Jesus, even though you have broken your wrath, still, today, break the bread for us who are yet hungry, poor beggars that we are....  Each day, then, break this bread for those who hunger.  For today and every day we gather up some crumbs, and every day we are in need of our daily bread again.  'Give us this day our daily bread' (Lk 11:3).  If you will not give it to us, who will?  In our destitute and our need there is no one to break bread for us, no one to feed us, no one to restore us, no one except you, O our God.  "In every consolation you send, we gather up the crumbs of the bread you break for us and taste: 'how sweet is your mercy' (Ps 108:21)."

There seems a direct correlation between my renewing my vow of Consecration of Suffering, yesterday morning before Mass, in the day chapel of Church, and the added challenges that were given me yesterday and today.  Challenges to bear various forms of suffering, the least probably being the physical pain--yet that makes it harder to detect how the devil is also allowed to try to weaken the resolve and mitigate the power of the genuine and loving offering of my pain to the Lord, all these twenty years.

From the vow of Consecration of Suffering, I offered and yet offer as sacred all my suffering:  past, present, and future--pains of rejection, humiliations, insults, physical ailments and injuries, emotional distress, mental depressions, spiritual torments and doubts, remorse due to sins, loss of self-identity, ignorance, pride, and human failings.  I offer all pain I have knowingly and unknowingly caused or will cause to the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, the Virgin Mary, the angels and the saints, and any holy creatures or holy creation. 

I offered and yet offer myself (body, mind, heart, and spirit) as an immolation for Holy Mother Church, to consciously accept God's declaration to me that my suffering and the suffering of Holy Mother Church shall be made one. I offer to suffer now and forever, if this be the will of God, as reparation for the pain of infidelities, assaults, dissensions and indignities caused to Holy Mother Church by myself, any laity, and any religious persons in the past, present, and future.

There is more, such as making this vow by the grace of God, the love of Christ, the power of the Holy Spirit, and the maternal protection of the Blessed Virgin Mary.....  This statement, though, today I find to be important for me to remember and live out.  I pray to respond and react to all suffering with Jesus' love and to inspire with love, those who may be the cause of my sufferings.

I include other aspects, such as making the vow and of offering self in all aspects, including choosing and accepting whatever includes greater self-mortification with the guidance and approval of my spiritual father.  Vows of consecration of matters of difficult and major temporal and spiritual importance and depth, ought be discerned, guided, approved of by a holy and wise priest, with years of proven experience in spiritual life and direction, of faithfulness and service to Christ and His Church.

Then comes the various witnesses and reminder of for Whom and what I am making this complete fiat, this total offering of self as an immolation.  And from whence did the inspiration, the deep and heartfelt desire arise from within my mind, heart, and soul for such a vow of Consecration of Suffering?  It came from His Real Presence, from that innermost part of my soul--the understanding, the intellect, and the will and beyond those parts of the soul in which the soul abides in Christ's Heart, in His Love.  I did add, in handwriting, this personalized portion of Scripture that came to me as of value in summation:  May the Lord be pleased to crush me in all my infirmities.  

["And the Lord was pleased to crush him in infirmity:  if he shall lay down his life for sin, he shall see a long-lived seed, and the will of the Lord shall be prosperous in his hand" (Douey-Rheims Is 53:10).  "But the LORD was pleased to crush him, putting him to grief; if he would render himself as a guilt offering, he will see his offspring, he will prolong his days, and the good pleasure of the LORD will prosper in his hand" (New American Bible Is 53:10).]

So it is that I must remember my avowal, the first time reading all of it kneeling while doing so, and my late Spiritual Da the in persona Christi.  In subsequent years it has been some parish priests as well as a monsignor--given the honor of this designation after years service as Cathedral rector, Diocese Chancellor, Vicar General.  

Otherwise, in years of increased hermit solitude, I renewed the vow with Christ alone as my witness, as He was, and all the apostles and Virgin Mary, and the various other saints canonized and otherwise, and angels I included yesterday in the day chapel.  I noticed in 2008 I added this request of Jesus:  Lord, please crucify me once and for all.  Thy will be done.  I have no reason to doubt that my request has and will continue to unfold according to God's perfect plan and Divine Will.

Back in 2000, I pricked a finger and placed a droplet of blood in a small heart I'd drawn, at the bottom of the page.  My late Spiritual Da was particularly touched by that gesture, small as it was, for I--as St. Paul or whomever the author of the Letter to the Hebrews wrote after much --have not yet suffered unto blood (Heb 12:4).  

Well, today is half spent, and I must do an act of charity which requires effort in pain management--all offered to Christ for the uplift and good of souls, of Holy Mother Church, of all the various ways and means of which my vow of Consecration of Suffering is meant all these years.  Much suffering has been offered and has in reality passed from my small self to whatever expansive ways the Lord has been able to utilize what to me is much.  "To whom much is given, much will be required" (Luke 12:48).

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Dear Jesus, please help us learn to love as God loves, to love God in Himself and others as He loves!


[Postscript:  The last time, several years ago, I wrote of my vow of Consecration of Suffering, the one nemesis had quite a bit of negative innuendo to state of my little drip of blood--attempting to make of it some terrible wrong, a perverse ritual or demented action.  Of those who wish to deride and twist of my loving and beloved heart of and in Christ's Heart, my consecration includes such as these who do not grasp how much Jesus is pleased with the human and heartfelt fiats as long as not harmful, of course.  What Christ desires, wills, and finds even precious of His beloved children's simple, symbolic offerings are heartfelt tokes of love to Him.  My body has not suffered from the loss of a drop of blood; far more has been lost in surgeries, blood draws, and the bloody head injury, for sure.  Mercy, was blood all over the place and on me!  It is usual in the spiritual life, for some to be ready and wanting to pounce--the wolves in sheep's clothing or even those who think on different levels than do others, those of us who are sensible yet sensitive to the nudges of Christ in our hearts, and us in His.  Keeps us focused in faith and hope in God, and very much on our effective toes!]

Catholic Hermit: Eucharist and Hermit

A consecrated Catholic hermit has a fascinating consideration when it comes to the reception of the Eucharist, of His Real Presence.  Being traditionally one who has stricter separation from the world (and from minor to major external and interior separation) and being less or more "hidden from the eyes of men," a hermit may not be in a position to attend the celebration of daily Mass, thus not partake of the tangible, consecrated Host.

I've come across yet again, in The Catechism of the Catholic Church, in section 2837, more discussion of "daily"--temporally is repetitious of "this day" [see previous post "This Day"].  "Daily" and "this day" are to "confirm us in trust "without reservation."  "Daily" or epiousios (super-essential) "signifies what is necessary for life..." and including what is good for us to survive, to subsist.  Literally, "daily" (epiousios) "refers directly to the Bread of Life, the Body of Christ, the "medicine of immortality," without which we have no life within us.

Further in section 2837, we are reminded that "'this day' is the Day of the Lord, the day of the feast of the kingdom, anticipated in the Eucharist that is already the foretaste of the kingdom to come.  For this reason it is fitting for the Eucharistic liturgy to be celebrated each day."

I appreciate what is less pedagogical in this following explanation from The Catechism as to the breadth of "this day" or "daily," as we consecrated hermits (and any of us in the Church) can discern the various ways, dependent upon our vocational conditions, we may and can receive our daily bread.

"The Eucharist is our daily bread.  The power belonging to this divine food makes it a bond of union.  Its effect is then understood as unity, so that, gathered into his Body and made members of him, we may become what we receive.... This also is our daily bread:  the readings you hear [or read] each day in church and the hymns you hear and sing.  All these are necessities for our pilgrimage.

"The Father in heaven urges us, as children of heaven, to ask for the bread of heaven.  [Christ] himself is the bread who, sown in the Virgin, raised up in the flesh, kneaded in the Passion, baked in the oven of the tomb, reserved in churches, brought to altars, furnishes the faithful each day with food from heaven."

We as hermits can inform in various ways our daily and nightly vocational life to the reception, in substance and essence, of our daily bread.  In centuries past, hermits were less likely to have access to daily Mass in a parish or even in a monastery.  Those religious brothers and sisters who have requested of their superior to become a hermit after years of being in a religious order, tend to go and live apart from the group monastic existence.  Of hermits who are priests dispensed from their diocese or monastic duties, they, also, tend to live apart, in solitude, but can request (as did Bl. Charles de Foucald) permission to celebrate by themselves, Mass.  

In contemporary times, hermits may have locational access and physical means to attend Mass at least weekly if not daily.  Yet they certainly are not required to do so, and in fact might, as their vocation grows, deepens, enriches and extends over the months and years, discern God's will in increasing, stricter separation from the world (including the world of the parish or monastery), in greater silence of solitude, and in being more truly and fully "hidden from the eyes of men."

(Here, I am reminded of a confessor I had for several years, a older monsignor and rector, who told me he only knew of one hermit in his life, and that was back when he himself was in a monastery seminary.  The hermit was a Benedictine monk, allowed to enter the hermit vocation by the abbot, and who lived out in a cabin in the woods of monastery grounds, and would come in to the monastery once a week for Mass and what provisions he might need before returning to solitude.  I realize now, several years later, that my confessor was suggesting that to me, as well; and yet I was not ready to enter into that level of solitude and of faith in the ways and means of receiving His Real Presence.)

Before continuing with pondering aspects of "daily" as it pertains to the Eucharist and the living bread of life and how we as hermits discern living our eremitic vocations, I want to share what Pope Benedict XVI wrote about the Eucharist in his Apostolic exhortation Sacramentum caritatis 77. (I insert "hermit" now and then to remind us to reflect upon how it is we as hermits may be called by God and guided by the Holy Spirit to re-form our individual hermit lives in accordance with what the Church also asks of us as members of the Body of Christ, living the hermit vocation.)

"It must be acknowledged that one of the most serious effects of the secularization... [hermits may consider aspects of our eremitic, daily lives in which we become, as it were, "secularized", weakened, by our own undoing and deception] is that it has relegated the Christian faith to the margins of life as it if were irrelevant to everyday affairs.  The futility of this way of living...is now evident to everyone.  Today there is a need to rediscover that Jesus Christ is not just a private conviction or an abstract idea, but a real person, whose becoming part of human history is capable of renewing the life of every man and woman [or hermit].

"Hence the Eucharist, as the source and summit of the Church's life and mission, must be translated into spirituality, into a [hermit] life lived 'according to the Spirit' (Rom 8:4ff.; cf. Gal 5:16, 25).  It is significant that Saint Paul, in the passage of the Letter to the Romans where he invites his hearers to offer the new spiritual worship, also speaks of the need for a change in their way of living and thinking:  'Do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may prove what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect' (12:2).  

"In this way the Apostle of the Gentiles emphasizes the link between true spiritual worship and the need for a new way of understanding and living one's [hermit] life. An integral part of the eucharistic form of the Christian life is a new way of thinking, 'so that we may no longer be children [hermits] tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine' (Eph 4:14).

In my own reflections upon the living out of my daily hermit life, in context of the life of the Church and the Body of Christ, in consideration of my eremitic vocation in the consecrated life of the Church, I all the more seriously pray for God's wisdom and will in what He desires of me, His Catholic hermit, down to the every temporal and spiritual detail of living in His Real Presence.

For me, now, from these holy selections as well as from His Living Word, the Holy Scriptures, I am discerning ways to re-form my daily life as a consecrated Catholic hermit.  With my physical incapacitation, I cannot go into Mass at the parish (no monastery nearby) even weekly.  The parish visitor who had been bringing me the Eucharist in the form of the consecrated Host, has been away for 8 weeks or so.  I have been sustained by His Living Word daily, but I have considered the hermits of yore who, far out in the literal, actual desert, subsisted in spiritual communion in Christ, the Bread of Life, in the Body of Christ.

The other day I used my grabber-reacher tool to pick up from where I could not bend, a few booklets of hymns of Mass and special liturgical celebrations (ordination Mass, solemnities, Christmas, Easter, etc.).  While I cannot sit yet, not even for a short while without too much pain, to more ably hold my Celtic harp, the physical therapist set it up on my counter-height table.  I stood and ineptly plucked out one hymn, just the melody; and a second attempt included trying to recall how to formulate chords.  I'm rusty after the harp being packed away over six years!  

After reading the above citations, I realize that playing and singing (my voice untrained, vocal chords aged and unused in most days of total silence)-- this also is my--our--daily bread.  I plan to incorporate the CD's of Bach's and Mozart's Masses; I have yet to re-figure how to use the unpacked CD music player and hook up the speakers.  But I will!  This will create some "noise" in Solus Deus hermitage, but the good of this form of this daily bread is holy. 

The reality of Christ, of His Real Presence in me and me in Him and His being in this hermitage with me, all the more imbues a glorious participation in His life, death, and resurrection, in His sacrifice in the Mass and in His going forth among all peoples, our Savior, and in my also being sent forth without even leaving my hermitage other than to try to walk back and forth past a handful of houses or being taken to a rare medical appointment in this my time of slow surgery recovery.

Christ is His Real Presence in the consecrated Host; He is the Eucharist, and as Pope Benedict XVI states, the Eucharist must be translated into spirituality of a life lived according to the Spirit.  The reality of this Communion in Christ in the eucharistic form of living such a life, inspires me in this transitional period of my own hermit life, with openness and receptivity of the ways in which the Holy Spirit will reform my externals so as to heighten the interior of my mind, heart, and soul.

God bless His Real Presence in us!