Catholic Hermit: Mournfulness

It is Lent.  Ash Wednesday came and went. Here at Te Deum Hermitage, this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit spent the day reflecting, praying, and painfully applying drywall mud in precarious heights of two-story stairwell opening.

Rather than ashes on my forehead, this year there was drywall mud spiritually formed in the sign of the cross.  Worn out by evening and flopped on floor mattress in my little cell room, I physically touched my forehead with finger and traced an invisible cross.  It was most difficult to do as the right thumb throbbed from a flared up drill whip injury, and my right elbow shot nerve pain from what is called "Carpenter's Elbow":  overuse.

This week I've been reminded of how mournful we Christians--seemingly particularly Catholic Christians--can be.  I have exemplified much mournfulness in the past, particularly when a newly converted Catholic over two decades ago.  
It is good to reflect upon the seriousness of Christ's sacrifice for our sins and his sufferings in securing our salvation.  It is good to consider the sorrows of His mother Mary.  It is good to seriously review our sins and to beg God's forgiveness and ask His mercy.  There is a difference between mournfulness and reverence, fear of the Lord, awe in God.

I received a letter from my spiritual father a week ago.  In it he mentioned he's given up on watching the evening news.  The divisiveness and political negativity caused frustration and anger; he swtiched from secular television stations and has been watching the news on Eternal Word Television Network as well as viewing a couple other programs on EWTN.

A couple nights later, I dreamed of my spiritual father speaking to me and offering some guidance.  While upon waking I could not recall the specifics, I knew it had to do with my own using of YouTube news clips which I have used rather weakly and pathetically as time-taking prayer fodder but mostly as background noise, pain distraction....

I can gather the news of the world in order to pray for particular persons and situations, and then broaden the prayers to themes of needs of persons everywhere, without the live stream of chatter, mostly repetitive.  I can glimpse headlines and pick out pertinent video clips--far more efficiently and screened from too much noise and distraction.  Not the best for a hermit whose Nine S' platform to the Gospel Rule of Life includes silence and simplicity....

So I decided to see if EWTN does some program live streaming.  Yes, it does.  I'd not viewed this Catholic broadcasting station for over a decade--as I had moved and did not have cable and got rid of television.  At the time, the network did not live stream programs on computer--at least my laptop was not capable of downloading if available.

I watched or more accurately, listened, to some programs including the Mass while I mudded drywall.  I viewed some EWTN during rest breaks when icing my thumb and elbow.  

My mood shifted through the day and into the next.  Mournfulness entered in, and I found myself realizing that EWTN seems to have shifted in tone, for some programs.  I looked at their weekly schedule and noticed that there were frequent re-runs from years past--all fine to offer--but that there seemed a mournfulness in the recitations of prayers and sometimes in the celebration of Mass.

Of course, praying and Mass can be somber and serious celebrations.  (I notice my own ironic juxtaposition of "mournful" or "somber" with "celebration.")  Perhaps the mournfulness I was experiencing had something to do with flashbacks of memory when I used to watch EWTN with delight and absorption of the excellent programming--all fresh and new to me then.  Perhaps much had to do with the reality of the network's founder, the late Mother Angelica, being very much alive and healthy, not having yet suffered a major stroke.

And, at the time in my own life, the reason I began watching EWTN so much was that I'd been nastily ousted from a ministry I'd started, by the grace of God--a rapidly growing and successful soup kitchen.  (The devil was involved, and there were the usual plagues of envies and gossip surrounding my needing to die on my sword so that the efforts could go forth without the obstacles thrown in our way.)  So part of the mournfulness might have been the reminder of "back then."

Yet, the next day that I listened to and viewed the network programs, the same sense of mournfulness persisted, and I realized that there was not the same enthusiasm and freshness, probably not the donations, and no doubt a shift that occurs when a founder of an organization no longer leads.  I was reminded of what occurred within 100 years of St. Francis' life and times, of his followers: a demise, a downturn.  Then Jesus chose St. Colette to come forth from her anchorhold and help reform the Franciscans.

I suspect EWTN is going through one such transition period.  But not to place my own sense of the mournfulness of my recent viewing experience as accurate, I consider the aspect of mournfulness that I've expressed from my own Catholic Christian journey.

Yes, I've been mournful plenty of times.  Part of the mournfulness has been in trying to fit into what I perceived as somber and serious Mass protocol.  Or the sorrows I had when first discovering the often-persecuted mystics and the tremendous suffering of the saints.  Or my own sorrows when confessing my sins in a Sacrament that I knew nothing of in my Protestant first-44 years of my life.  Then, also, is the mournfulness of my constant and rather high-level physical suffering of the past 32 years since debilitating and life-altering car accident.

I have more than enough mournfulness in my life.  This reality came to me on Ash Wednesday.  I don't need more mournfulness--not in mournful group recitations of verbal prayers or even mental prayers.  I don't need to hear sorrowful voices preaching and teaching--the mournfulness is sorrowfully an overload on my own painful physical existence when my heart is seeking to sing as antidote to the woes.

Now, this is not to say I know what Jesus wants.  Perhaps He wants mournfulness and an emphasis on sorrows and suffering.  God knows--and He is God made Man--that there are sorrows of the world and sins galore that reduce our lives to troubles a' plenty.  

Into my memories came a vision and locution two decades ago.  I was in Mass at a convent near my then-home, and my body was in its usual pain.  I popped a question from within my soul, as I cheekly asked Jesus, "So what are You up to, today, Jesus?"  He appeared to me right there and then, superimposed in front of the priest preaching at the altar.  He appeared bearing His cross, crown of thorns on His head, bleeding and bent with suffering. 

"I am suffering, " Jesus said, "and that is well enough for YOU."

That was it--end of vision, end of message.  And I knew that yes, suffering was good enough for me, too, for that day and many days, and for any day.  

However, I have asked Jesus and His mother, the Blessed Virgin Mary--my mother, our mother, Mother of His Church--if they want me to be sorrowful, mournful, somber--now, in general?  I know in the ensuing years, I have complained about being in Mass and noticing the heaviness of people filing in, looking miserably sad, not smiling before, during, or after Mass.

At one point, I had a major consideration as I thought of Jesus looking out at us from His Tabernacle, and seeing our glum and miserable faces whether or not we were listening and celebrating with attentiveness during Mass.  (I know, for there have been times that I was wearing a cloak of misery and looking glum back at Jesus as He looked at me.  

Does it really help Jesus if I am mournful even when He is suffering, or when His mother is suffering, for they surely do suffer even now at times, when they see us in our messes and struggles, our sufferings--of which most if not all are the result of our own sins and of being recipients of sinful thoughts and actions of others?

I don't have an answer yet.  But I decided that watching and listening to voices mournful are not positive in my already mournfully painful existence.  For awhile now, I have yearned for balance and thus have sought with all my body, heart, mind and spirit to love God in Himself and to love others as God loves!  This seeking has not at all been mournful or somber, and the seriousness of it is not sad but rather is a delightful, fervent, enthusiastic, and positively expectant desire.

Then I considered that the secular news does not anger me or frustrate.  Thankfully, I can get the gist with a video clip or some headlines, and the chattering pundits can be muted or clicked off once I gain the prayer needs.  And it is the work of my hermit existence at least for now, to pray for all people in addition to the needs of the Church.  I emphasize--my work for now includes the temporal secular world in addition to the temporal church world.

Today I will try drywall sanding with left arm.  My right arm needs rest and healing, and one day will not be enough but is what I can offer, again, for now.  The Order of the Present Moment is always about what is, for now, in the present moment.  Perhaps tomorrow the right arm will need another day of rest, or not.  

Perhaps I will listen to an EWTN program or two, such as I notice they still have beautiful music on Sunday afternoons; and not all the priests celebrate Mass as mournfully as others.  The program hosts are doing their loving best, and reality is that maybe the mournfulness I sense has to do with loss of what was but still can be even more so, in future.  I am praying for the network, regardless!  So much good EWTN provides, more than I could provide in my whole life!  I pray for others to not sense mournfulness, for it might just be me and God's way of guiding what He wants of me for now. 

For now, my body, mind, heart, and spirit need joy, not additional mournfulness.  There is mournfulness enough, and as a Catholic, my experience has been that my past going along with mournfulness and adding to the collective mournfulness--has not produced much positive encouragement for others to embrace what we ought know as the Way, the Truth, Beauty, Goodness and the Light.

Thus, a line from the Psalm on Ash Wednesday arrows my heart: 

Give me back the joy of your salvation,
and a willing spirit sustain in me.

Catholic Hermit's Plan for Lent

On the eve of Ash Wednesday ("Shrove Tuesday") a spiritual friend from the past called.  The phone calls are rare here at Te Deum Hermitage, but this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit is close in touch within His Real Presence, as are the various spiritual friends dotted around this country and abroad.

The friend who happens to be wintering in warm climate mentioned finding a marvelous priest who said to write down a plan for Lent.  Write out what are to be the penances, the spiritual goals, the aspects of dying to self daily, during Lent.  She thought this would be something the hermit might do, as well.

Oh.

While an idea, yes it is, unfortunately (or fortunately) St. Hildegard of Bingen has already befriended me in a soul-filled way and is giving marvelous thoughts and ideas during Lent.  So no, I will not be writing out a plan of any sort other than, I suppose (as I mentioned to my earthly spiritual friend), mentally thinking the plan is whatever His Real Presence desires moment by moment.

So Ash Wednesday brought reflections on the Gospel reading of Mass the day before, and I wrote those reflections.  The evening brought a phone conversation with the spiritual father, so many miles away.  Did he think out or write out a plan for Lent?  

No.  But he was, in that present moment before we spoke, perusing flower bulb catalogs and making plans for what dahlias might grace the monastery gardens in a few short months. He said Lent will bring what the Lord wills, and then Easter will come, and in between now and then will be many surprises.  God provides!

I mentioned to my spiritual father that the days come and go in much silence and solitude, prayerfully and peacefully (even though I had to persevere with the cabinet conundrum), and that last week I realized I had not actually used my voice for three or four days!  And it was all right! It was even good!  He laughed and said, "Well, you're a hermit--that is why! The Lord is making you into a real and very good hermit now!"

Of course, there is more to it than that, but he made his point.  There has been growth since coming to this desert, in exile, and in hardship and strife of many types, levels, layers, and dimensions--spiritually and temporally.

Today when at Lowe's, Ruthie in the electric department shared that she'd been very ill the past week.  She suffered edema and also sleep apnea, with her oxygen level so low her physician said she had some brain damage.  She struggled with some memory, and it took us a bit of effort for each of us to figure out the bathroom lighting issues--which fixture globes were of the thin variety and which had thicker glass that will not so easily break.

She confided she nearly lost her job when she was out ill, for she had missed those days of work as well as other days, called out to do civic duty in a jury.  I reminded her to think positively, and that we would pray that there is no lasting damage to her brain.  Help is on the way with better sleep apnea equipment, thankfully.

Ruthie agreed to the positive outlook, for she said it is like the powers of darkness to try to upset her all the more and work against her when she is not feeling well.  True, and I reminded her when I gave her a big hug near the cabinet department (my next stop), that it is Lent, after all!  The Lord gave her quite an unexpected health cross to bear on Ash Wednesday.  Thanks be to God, she is back at work!

So this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit's plan for Lent is to allow His Real Presence to present His personalized plan for me in every present moment.  Rather than gloom and heavy thinking about what to do for Lent, there is an aspect of eagerness and joyful expectation as to what the Lord will unfold each day and night, hourly, by the minute--however He desires!  

First thing this morning was a call from the young woman with whom I am reading about Hildegard of Bingen's visions (and life).  She has a domestic issue that is rather immense and important in the status of her husband's work and her desire to move.  She has tried to love where they have lived for 7 years now, and it is going to take courage and resolve to ask him to sacrifice for her now, and secure a job transfer.

So we talked it through, and we are praying, and this put-off for years decision is what the Lord has brought the couple for Lent.  Time to make a decision for the wife's well-being and the children's schooling and activities.

Each moment, really--each thought, each contact when on a couple errands today--is whatever present moment Lenten lesson with which the Lord surprises me.  There are the struggles, for sure--present moment ones.  

The bathroom caulk I put in the corners of the tiled shower (silicone "gives" so better for corners than grout) is extra gummy.  One of Rusty's parting pieces of advice was to use painter tape on either side of where I am caulking to create a clean line.  But I did not heed that advice--not realizing just how gummy is bathroom caulk compared to easily wiped off trim caulk.

Tomorrow's daylight Lenten task is going to be to tediously use a razor blade to clean off the caulk residue--even from the little edges of grout lines where it oozed over.  So humbling to have not heeded what advice I was given by a man who knew from experience.

Ah, Lent.  This momentary, personalized, Lenten unfolding by His Real Presence is far better than any conceived, considered, spoken, or written plan that this hermit could have ever devised.

Cheers to Lent--suffering included!

If Today You Hear His Voice

...harden not your hearts.

There is always a potential...and then a possible response, an action in reaction.

Today, Ash Wednesday 2015, the nothing Catholic hermit appreciated a phone book discussion and ensuing conversation with a young friend--wife and mother of two with a third on the way.  She has blossomed spiritually, grown in leaps and bounds in just the past few months!  The Catholic hermit is so proud of her--and this nothing has no reason for pride other than a deep joy in seeing another soul responding to the graces of His Real Presence.

She heard His voice, essentially in various ways, and she did not harden her heart.  She used her God-given will and made some choices, and she acted on the good of what He desired of her...and succeeded.  How her life has changed!  Anger has come under control and mostly wiped away as soon as it surfaces.  She has learned how to discern her dreams (His voice in images and scenes given her subconscious in sleep), and then moved on after gleaning any valid lessons requiring action or reaction on her part and tossing any demonic trash into the do-not-recall bin.

She is living more and more in the present moment and blooming where she is planted.  Previously, she longed for her husband to get an assignment elsewhere, never settling fully in nor fitting in with those in the area.  Why?  There are many reasons which we had discussed over time, but the outcome is she softened her heart and listened and made changes in her attitude.  She grasped her vocation as wife and mother and started to see the honor in it, as well as the inspiring challenges for growth in the virtues, day by day and night by night.

She let go of the past memories that haunted her of her childhood and the perceived lacks therein. She let go of apologizing for herself and feeling inadequate, or in carrying a great deal of unnecessary guilt (something that some Catholic parents train into the children by innocent error of a mistype of tradition, creating an element of fear and control that can be misplaced later on).  

She also kept to her spiritual reading--the classics of great saints as well as to making offerings of the mundanity of diapers and dishes.  Rather than reacting in hurt to other women's not including her, she began to reach out to the one woman she might notice who also was not included.  She started to create her own group or spiritual opportunity even if she was the only member, or just one other. 

(For this young woman is a soul beyond what a bulk of women may find relevant and necessary, not to their fault necessarily; she simply is more a contemplative and most likely also born a mystic. Through numerous conversations, working with her prayers and dreams, being open to being called out on some issues, she started to listen and understand and to accept that her path is valid, too).

She heard His voice in so many ways that He speaks to us!  And she hardened not her heart.  What a gift of inspiration to others, and how much more peaceful her life!  Faith has increased beyond measure.  It kind of grew quietly, all this change, and today the nothing Catholic hermit could not contain the joy and gratitude for what an inspiration she is to this soul who happens to be facing a sense of backsliding and faltering, of weakness in will, and lack of discipline in focus, or so it seems.

We have selected another book to read "together" for our weekly phone discussion.  Since this Catholic hermit has been so seriously ill for awhile, she has been kindly in postponing, so patiently.
Today nothing Catholic hermit, in the course of our discussion of sin and redemption, shared some deeply personal experiences of great falls from grace in ways that a person would obviously know were not good, but to learn just how weak the soul can be and how great is His Real Presence to allow some terrible falls in sin, yet bring such amazing, life-changing lessons that are never then forgotten.  He is so merciful!  

The young woman seemed to appreciate the candor and was probably stunned, and we laughed to think that this Catholic hermit has come through some awful sins and still, last night, slipped on something so little yet so ridiculously unnecessary.  The penance it gave itself was to purchase a copy of our next reading selection for the young woman, despite its own finances being not good these days.  But it sold a pair of boots last night, and in that transaction was part of the ridiculous slip-up.  

My, how easy it is to sin, when one would think we'd get old enough and seasoned to avoid even the near occasion of sin!  No!  The Lord ever humbles us as He watches His children, especially the old ones, do something stupid and wrong--even realizing they are doing it but either too tired or too miffed to stop it right then and there.  So forgiveness asked immediately of His Real Presence, and mercy granted even though the sting lasted a bit into the night.  

No, 'twas time to put it immediately behind, for dwelling on a slip or fall after it has been forgiven, only leads to a kind of pride in over-thinking one's actions, or the tendency to be too upset at having sinned...as if we are too great and spiritually mature to have slipped up.  Better to chuckle and remind oneself that even as we get old, we can tend to falter just as our bones grow physically unsteady.  We are never free from error until our last breath.

It is Ash Wednesday.  The nothing Catholic hermit made no grand plans for giving up this or that food or anything else.  It did not even bother leaning on the crutch of being still sick and qualifying as old for any Church law exemption.  Rather, nothing Catholic hermit  hardened not its heart and realized His Real Presence will bring the opportunities for sacrifice, for penance, for listening and reacting and changing its ways to whatever God brings to the conversion table.

Yesterday, even though with an encouraging bit of energy enough to launder the bed linens, weed a bit in the sun and breathe fresh air, and then make some simple chili from a packaged soup mix, there started in the thoughts of how it might be able to stay on here in this hermitage, after all.  So ideas started to pump up the enthusiasm, and the hermit got some encouragement from a long-time friend--until it realized the chronic pain and lack of physical consistency would make the idea not so stable, and research of like enterprises in the area showed the competition to be rather stiff.

Nothing Catholic hermit cannot compete with the wealthy who do such ventures as hobbyists, or the young, or the able-bodied, or those with spouses to help with the efforts.  It is still out there as a possibility, but even though the long-time friend said just lower the price and business will happen--the potentials for the inconsistent and unannounced pain sieges or other blights could be disastrous with the particular idea to gain some needed income in order to remain.

Too much distraction in seeking ways to have it easier, to not have to pick up and go again, to have to detach totally from the remainder of the gardens and have some kind of enjoyment of the area and place instead of the heaviness of so much manual labor and hardship and expense since arrival here nearly two years ago!  How can one hear His voice today or any day (or night), if the mind--if not the heart--is hardened to what it thinks might be easier or even better than what seems to be the unavoidable?  

So this nothing Catholic hermit must silence the various ideas that start to jangle about in the mind--ways to remain despite the financial odds, or also ways to create a bit of hope and impetus to get back to the hard work ahead in order to finish the place in order to have it salable.  The mind must listen for His voice will speak in some way, shape, or form, in the day and in the night, sooner or later and most likely sooner.  

Silence is His voice, too, we realize.  Just silence of His Breath, of His Peace, of His Love, of His Mercy.  The heart must not be hardened by the weight of our heavy concerns nor by our fears of what is next even if we suspect it is going to mean more lessons, more suffering--for suffering and love always go together to bring about the best for our sanctification.  And the suffering can be sweet.  His Voice is in the suffering and sometimes more clear then than in seeming temporal success or happiness.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Little children, let us love one another!  Remain in His Love! Listen in His Love, and He will speak; and our hearts will soften to His plans for us no matter what.