More Thoughts on Transition, Writing, Mystic Mission

The time came and went with discussion this afternoon, on phone.  Some questions were asked, and I elaborated but went off on what I can call "verbal riffs."  Thoughts and ideas flooded through any filters or masking needed in most situations.  However, when we talk again, I did request that he just cut me off when I get off on especially past incidents of this and that, such as explain some aspect of mysticism, and then go into example of past that has various prongs and a point--but that point gets lost in the abundance of mystical experiences that enter into temporal life.

However, some aspects are established, such as no writing regarding hermits and hermit life as such, for that is not the essential or what the Lord desires of His purpose of me and my mission which is a shared purpose with all souls.  We are all seeking even if we do not realize this seeking--we are seeking our Creator and seeking His love for us, and our created purpose is to also seek to find God so that we can forever, fully love Him.

Part of what I mentioned, brought out by the question asked me of what aspects of mystics did Prof. Bernard McGinn's lectures on Christian mysticism did pertain to me specifically?  What was it of the information on mystics that particularly made me fearful in a way, or stunned all over again, that this life has been and is my life?  And the reality of the shock, I guess I could call it, although I've had to face this shock before, somehow has been brought into more clarity through the lectures and hearing example after example of the mystics lives that are what I experience and have going way back. It was even when young, comments made or a sense of reaction on my part to what was not so much spoken but known within, an instinct that there was a difference going on, that caused me to all the more as I got older to try to mask or to try harder to fit in with what I perceived were "normal" people who I so admired and still do.

So I told Dr. H. some of the ways and time periods of my going all out to be to my way of viewing self or as my parents socialized me or others through their positive feedback--that I'd put time, energy, and sometimes some expense into the effort; and this mostly after someone or other would make a comment regarding my being "different" in various ways that also affected me temporally.  I mentioned even a letter left me by the spouse who was leaving, a mention of my "mysticism" that unnerved the other.  I had not heard nor read the word before so looked it up in the dictionary.  

Regardless of this aspect the spouse had noted as a a reason for leaving, there were obvious choices and life style that the other had made all along in the short time together in the full spectrum of the years before and after.  But the word was out in the open, and my reading what it meant seemed very good in one sense, but the rejection involved provoked an insecurity of my self-hood and a time period of desire to be free in myself and how God created me, but also then to change somehow at least in outer effects, what was not seemingly acceptable or would fit in with the world of others.

Insecurity invites all kinds of others into one's life who try to help and have various suggestions and advice.  The one who has opened self up to feeling as if not acceptable to the real world of all the "normal" people begins to experiment in being other than self.  Yet, there is never success in that tact; there is only a prolonging of the inevitable finding what one is that God has created, and accepting His choice as to what He created, and then learning to grow in the security, learn, bud out, and eventually be fruitful in the purpose and mission of God's will for what He chose for us and finds special and dear to His Heart.

This is true of whatever God has chosen for any of us--the purpose, the mission, the circumstances and innate nature He bestows and allows in each soul He creates and brings into this world.  This is not unique to those He choses to be mystics with more mystic than less mystic.  As Dr. McGinn uses as example, all of us are on the continuum, the spectrum of mysticism.  God desires all of us to come to union with and in Him.  

McGinn mentions that of basketball--such as everyone can love the game of basketball, and most people can play basketball or if not actually play physically can enjoy watching from the bleachers or from television or listen on radio to games broadcast. But not all are going to be playing on the A-team, and even fewer will have exceptional talent and play on the pro-teams. He likens the mystics who are called to be the A-listers and pro's, to those whose lives are foremost as mystics, consumed with God and the union with God, the love of God, and the mission of showing others and writing of and talking of God and the spiritual life of the Three Persons of the Trinity and all else involved in God and the mysteries of God.

I commented to Dr. H. that in this period of major transition, I am all over again being shown by God my purpose and mission, but I also can see through some of what I wrote in past years, that I have not nearly kept focus on the purpose and particularly the mission.  I am upset by that and ashamed at the ways I have yet gone about in avoidance, seeking distractions and also continuing my efforts to fit in, such as especially to fit into the temporal Catholic world of parishes--to be acceptable as "normal" so as to be included by Catholic parishioners and priests, and even utilizable--even in some way as a mystic.  But the Lord kept having to allow circumstances in my life to prune me and prevent me from what is not His means and ways of His purpose and mission for me, which is not so tangible nor a fruit desired and edible to those who know me or in a parish situation or even diocese.

Dr. H. got that; he can see the phases of my life and the increasing pruning and to point of nearly truncated.  I have perhaps--we can hope in God and pray--accepted these matters, once and for all.  I am not going to know if I'm "doing" what God wills such as in writing, but he did laugh when one of the examples from Dr McGinn on a commonality of the Christian mystics is that they have a compulsion to write.  Dr. H. says he sure knows someone like that! But there are other aspects that hit home with me in the past few days.  

These creatures known as mystics (and of the more on-the-court types, the ones with more pronounced infusions of the category or "sport") generally go through the mystical derelictions, have episodes in their life of great suffering of various types, sometimes seemingly odd timing causing pivotal life changes.  They are intensely focused on God and the Church and feel deeply, as if they have become so subsumed as to be deeply injured and concerned with angst when there are affronts and wrongs occurring even if not noticeably, in the Church or priesthood, or among the worshippers.  There also are the many spiritual experiences--not a couple or so major events of God's reaching into a person's life in soul-altering ways--but many and varied examples of mystical graces that come unbidden, spontaneously, but mark the mystic.  

And while the mystical graces or experiences are signs, they are actually incidentals or ancillary to the mystic but cause problems often enough, among others. The mystics experience and endure many trials of spiritual and temporal forces and factors.  the mystics of these more extreme types are put through the paces in order to learn what is necessary for the mission they are given, and in part, that mission is as fruit for others, for the Church.  But mainly, I am realizing this evening as I write and have had thoughts come since the phone discussion--the mystic is to exemplify that of a love for God with intensity that other aspects of life will be set aside, even relationships that are not beneficial to the mission, or of what would be considered best regarding temporal Catholic world involvements. 

I commented to Dr. H. that I feel as if I have been a bench-sitter, not willing to get out there on the court and give it my all.  I've been a reluctant and passive mystic, despite the profundity of mystical graces.  Even my writing has been off-track on hermit topic, or drawn off in reactionary writing with someone other whose purpose was not as a mystic but rather as something other equally chosen by God and desired and willed by God.  

A mystic must stay in the position God created the mystic soul to live in this life and to play it with all its mind, heart, soul, and spirit--not be diverted or splinter off even if there are aspects given the hermit that can be misunderstood and distract.  The hermit life for this mystic is the means of custody for this mystic to be able to better fulfill its mission, not to be this mystic's mission.  Whereas other persons' mission might be the hermit life itself.

So when Dr. H. at the end of the conversation mentioned per my writing as part of my mission in what fruit I am to share and offer, he suggested I will need to learn to write in a way and with words that, as he put  it, the everyday person in the world who does not even begin to think about such matters would relate with and understand--he might have even used the term the average duffer or something similar.

However, that got my inner to consider what keeps coming forth that is telling me, no, you must be congruous, real, yourself, as I created you.  You do not have the energy now to expend on trying to write in some other style, or to use a vocabulary that is not given you through your temporal education, what does not come naturally to mind and out the fingertips on the laptop keys.

And more, I realized that perhaps what I write is for God, to please God, my whole self as fruit to Him and Him only?  Solus Deus?  I thought of a friend who enjoys fiction although also loves to read Scripture each day, has a prayer life of whatever level it does not matter, not for me to know, of course.  But she mentioned the title of a book--and she reads as many do for entertainment. I looked up the book as is part of a trilogy of which two more books are being sent that are eagerly awaited.  I read an excerpt, and all the more I understood the differences.  

It has been years since I lost appetite for fiction.  But these are best sellers, and a well-known author, but I was stunned by how I'd no more find interest or even structural artistry; the content seemed dumbed down somehow.  I realize that what people read and enjoy would be great effort on my part to write.  My bodily pain would not allow for that expenditure in that way.  Thus the thought came, the realization, that what I write might not at all be as Dr. H. has in mind--not for a broad spectrum of people.  What if the fruit God has for me to produce is a kumquat or gooseberry?  

At this point, as I mentioned to Dr. H. in feeling I've been a bench-sitter on the basketball team to which he said he was going to have the role of pushing me off the bench and fully into the game, I'd better just get to writing of whatever the Holy Spirit brings up in everyday life but with my assenting to all that God wills for me as a mystic.  I have shirked and shrunk for too many years.  I am ashamed and even concerned that I have not cooperated with God Who has been so good, so patient, so generous in the gifts both temporal and mystical.  

I have resisted passing through the mystic portal.  Even now, or recently, I ordered doors, windows, and oodles of flooring cartons that I will have to impose upon others to help find places to store them in the stuffed and messy garage (needs organizing), on the back patio, and in the house wherever we can make space.  We?  Well, I am not physically able to do much of anything at this point.  I'm not even that fit for writing, it seems when the pain is super high.  But more so, I have shirked the praying--unless my writing becomes as prayer in itself.  Perhaps sometimes.

I did read the poem to Dr. H. that I had forgotten having written in 2011.  Nor did I recall the other aspects going on then in which God was asking of me to pass through, to accept fully and agree to being the person He chose to create and wants of me--loves of me even if what I am is not understood nor that acceptable or valued by the bulk of persons.  That is all part of the plight of mystics in general.  But usually in a mystic's life, the mission part becomes pronounced, and God allows the fruit to grow and be cultivated, picked, and offered for whomever desires.  Mostly this is after the mystic has physically passed on from this temporal world.  

Even then, such as if the mystic in the compulsion to write and write, what is written might be tossed in a dumpster by whomever clears out the mystic's belonging after death. But the fact is, the mystic must give its all to the purpose for which God chose to create such a woe-begotten type and to give its all to God to fulfill its mission.  That mission continues to evolve here, now, with this mystic, but it must be authentically from within whatever this is of myself.  And it must focus on Jesus, take care of Baby Jesus, just adore Him and yet share anonymously in writing what evolves and unfolds.  

A mystic is to remind those who want to see the mystic spectrum and that we all are in a continuum of being on that spectrum, and that our purpose and innate yearning as souls is to seek God our Creator to love Him and be united in Him eternally.  The fruit is as all else with a mystic--really, up to God as to if it is picked up and eaten and enjoyed by others.  There is not just one mystic of the more extreme type at any given time on earth. And even the bench-sitter mystics might be called by the coach to become more fully engaged and on the court.  

All is God's will and choosing.  But I had better remove myself from distractions deceptively slight, and devote myself more to the practice of praise of God and prayer.  Even a mystic on the bench must attend and participate all team practices and do the necessary bodily and mental regimens that lend to successful outcomes.

God Bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: Everyone Needs Purpose

This Scripture from today's Mass, the Solemnity of the Immaculate Conception, seems appropriate to what is of importance, and replaces, all the more, any small bit of persecution of which I complained.  From Ephesians 1:11-12:

"In Him we were also chosen, destined in accord wit the purpose of the One who accomplishes all things according to the intention of His will, so that we might exist for the praise of His glory, we who first hoped in Christ."

I had written of a situation of a lady consecrated Catholic hermit, publicly professed, who has continued to discredit my writing and my being a consecrated Catholic hermit, privately professed.  I assume she has gotten my reminder to consider her own situation, but it demonstrates the irony of someone who cannot accept that privately professed Catholic hermits have and continue to be in the eremitic vocation and along with consecrated virgins, widows, those in religious orders, and the various persons in societies and institutes, make up the consecrated life of the Church as much as she does.

I think she may have by now removed the most offensive of her derision, identifying my blog and claiming I am a fraud and a counterfeit hermit.  Nothing new, really, and I'm grateful only a small portion was brought to my attention.  Although her Vicar General who wanted no responsibility of her advised I take civil legal action against her in the past (which demonstrates a reason why many bishops do not want the responsibility of being a CL603 hermit's "legitimate superior"), I had prayed at that time and had--and still have--a peace about simply letting God deal with her.  I continue to pray for her.

When I reviewed what I'd written on this particular post, upset by her inability to cease and desist to what amounts to online bullying, the now humor inserts itself as to just how ridiculous is her attempt to do damage and keep up the derisions.  This is the third time I've awakened in the past few days, and am reminded that the devil is poking me.  All the more I laugh about the reasons why the devil would continue to poke, and in my weariness did get a reaction from me!  That makes me chuckle aloud which is better than my usual wakings in which I'm struggling with other emotions complicit of bodily, physical pain.

But what I am appreciating of the devil's attempt through the lady's persistent derision of me, is that in my attempts to write my feelings and thoughts on it, many good aspects are shown me.  With each good, I update what I previously tried to express.  One good in considering the lady's upset with my writing about my own life journey as a consecrated Catholic hermit,  I could see the reality of just how much in my own written expression just how much physical pain I was in when writing my appeal to her conscience.  Maybe more so, I see how my writing style and sentence structure were and are in unusually poor form.  

I might even edit out more or all to do with this woman's attacks.  I know the tricks of the devil at this point of my temporal and spiritual life, but I reacted rather than brush aside the gnat-like pest.  It seemed cathartic for me to write how I feel about her derisions and attempts to discredit me personally as well as to discredit my blog site and writings.  Now I realize it took my site from my soul's main purpose.  

At first I thought I was dealing with the bit of persecution as a reminder to pray for souls; that is always a need, of course.  Now I see how the devil succeeded temporarily in poking me, trying to further discourage me in this phase of greater physical suffering and also to discourage me from writing.  But my writing style and form are not up to par whatsoever, and that brings a joy now all the more in how much God loves the humble attempts in my expression as much as in past when I was a better writer.

But despite my inability to write well these days, and my falling to the devil's tricks of not just the gnat-like derisions but more my rambling, painful content often of pain and suffering, my  main purpose for this particular post remains what I am discovering as a result, this truism of our human condition: Everyone needs a purpose.  

What is our purpose--my purpose?  Simply put, union with His Real Presence--Father, Son, and Holy Spirit: the Trinity--is every person's ultimate purpose.  Yet subsistent to that purpose, we human beings desire and want purpose in our daily, temporal lives, as well as in our spiritual, lives.  And these are intertwined.

Part of my appeal to the woman to cease attempts to discredit me as a legitimate, consecrated Catholic hermit or to indoctrinate readers that I have no "legal" right to write as a Catholic hermit or about the hermit vocation, brought me to considering my own purpose.  With the exacerbation of bodily pain (likely due to the needed spine surgery having aggravated my lumbar Adhesive Arachnoiditis), my ability to focus much on spiritual reading is inconsistent; and my ability to go more inward to contemplate or even meditate is diminished. The pain is too pervasive to bear my going "inward."

Rather, distraction helps me go out my pained body and transcend to whatever degree of pain God might mystically grace. For the most part, my best means of transcending pain includes writing this blog; and writing has always, since a young child, been a gift, of sorts, or so I've been told throughout my life.  Writing is a natural means for me, an automatic adjunct of expression.  Writing is a facet inherent in my vocational "vehicle" that God chose by calling me to this life as a consecrated Catholic hermit for the duration of my temporal life.

I write of my thoughts and experiences, both temporally and spiritually, in my daily life as a consecrated Catholic hermit, now over 20 years since God's call.  And it will be 19 years this month since my profession of the evangelical counsels and the offering of my approved vows--approved by my spiritual father, a holy priest, not a bishop. 

But mine is the path by which hermits have been formed and professed, privately, for centuries.  The Church acknowledges and legitimized the eremitic tradition of private profession over these centuries and continues to do so, but recently she includes that of public profession of the evangelical counsels, in the hands of a bishop, affixing a hermit choosing that path to a specific diocese.  

Yes, I am evolving as a consecrated Catholic hermit and also as an imperfect soul, and am going with God's flow as He unfolds my life within this beautiful and challenging eremitic vocation and as a Christian lover of Christ.  Yet even my view of what being "hidden from the eyes of men" means to me, by which the Church describes her hermits, can strike a raw nerve in some whose hermit lives are less hidden.  

We hermits are all evolving in this vocation according to God's unfolding; I myself have passed through phases of lesser or greater degrees of the various ideals the Church has set forth for her hermits.  I also increasingly grasp the spiritual good and benefit of anonymity, and this for my own living out of my hermit life.  Other hermits who choose being public and seen, should not be irked by or resent how my eremitic vocation is evolving.  

But these matters are a digression.  I realize the devil essentially tripped me and used the woman again in the process.  Yet God turns all to good in my life. I see more clearly now not only my main purpose for being: my true desire for eternal union with Christ.  I also see that He yet gifts me yet this facet of expression through writing and sharing my personal spiritual journey as a consecrated Catholic hermit but increasingly as a soul simplified by suffering.

So again, I do believe that while everyone needs a purpose, we do all have the same, ultimate purpose of coming to union in God.  Despite not everyone ultimately recognizing, desiring, or striving in that divine purpose, we each have other and unique, individual, God-given and desired temporal purposes.  These are ways in which we share and give of ourselves to God and others to greater or lesser degrees of purposes.

I will continue to write, of course--even if what I write is even less artistically or cogently stated.  I also will put this brief trip-up by the devil, behind me yet again.  For it is the beginning of a new liturgical year; it is Advent.  

I also have come to realize, through thoughts which came while writing a separate post, that as God gives the grace of forgiveness, He also gives the grace to be able to forget the sins against us.  And God asks us to forget our own sins once we have asked for and received His forgiveness and repented sincerely.  As to others, their process of recognizing their sins and flaws is between them and God.

Solus Deus!  God alone!  Clear out the darkness!  Advent is an opportune season in preparation for the Light of Christ to abide within and us in Him!

A temporal and spiritual light for my soul is a shift in my perspective, of writing to God: blog posts to God, so to speak. Mine is a written conversation, of which when writing of spiritual matters or even of daily life situations not seemingly spiritual but requiring spiritual help, as they always do--I write my way through. The Holy Spirit, when I write, lifts my mind, heart, and soul from my painful body.  The Holy Spirit always brings me around when I get diverted; He prevails with helpful, holy insights.  

When I'm plagued by temporal situations. my writing includes expression of my wrongs and sins.  At times my writing has itself shown me my flaws, my sins, my inadvertent but later-on, obvious hurtfulness.  I then deserve to suffer my sins' consequences, which I know are due me.  

I hope in God; I ask God's forgiveness with true remorse; He forgives my wrongs.  I persevere in writing to share the spiritual progression through and beyond my human weakness and sin.  The value of confession, forgiveness, penance--of keeping going in Christ, through increasing faith in His love and mercy--also of these I hope in God. 

I write onward, for better, for worse to become better, despite my pain impacting the wording and flow.  The effects of pain in my temporal life are now pervasive except in my soul's abiding in Christ.  The ultimate need of purpose that can only be fulfilled in eternal union with my Beloved Bridegroom.

We all have and need this purpose--our eternal union with God.  And we all appreciate whatever temporal-spiritual adjunct modes of purpose that we are given as gifts and talents from God.  These bring us a sense of meaning as well as consolation during life's unpredictable journey...other than the steadfast reality of our souls seeking union with God as our needed ultimate purpose.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Lord, have mercy on our souls!

Catholic Hermit: Ongoing Forgiving

The other day when the physical therapist arrived, it was brought up that she'd been to a workshop recently in which it was emphasized that pain can become on-going due to an imprinting on nerve pathways that do not have a physiological source, not a visible cause.  She mentioned some syndromes.  Yes, yes.  Then she asked if I have ever considered going to a pain clinic.

Lord, have mercy.  How long, O Lord?  I explained to her (as I've mentioned to her prior: one positive outcome of this surgeon, a second opinion surgeon, and then my pain doctor seeing it after it was mentioned to him is a diagnosis after all these years) that I do happen to have a visible, physiological source of pain.  The pain I experience all the time and have since car accident and then in debilitating level after 1987 surgery, is a matter of cause and effect.  

I reminded her that it is Arachnoiditis, probably occurring in the second surgery in 1987 as I had coded in recovery.  Surgeon came back in middle of the night and rushed me back in for another several hours of surgery to correct the problem caused in the first surgery.  In so doing, at some point, regardless, a cut was made in the spinal sheathing, causing the spinal fluid leak plus the condition, albeit not common, called Arachnoiditis.

The pain that people experience who do not have something visible, discernible in MRI's or CT scans, is yet pain, also.  I do not judge nor fault anyone with pain that is considered to be stress-induced or immune deficiency or some other more nebulous consideration as to why people have pain.  Even if psychological pain, it is pain.  Consider phantom limb pain, although it can remain for a limited time period, in time go away, and, also, psychotherapy can help eradicate it.  

I am not opposed to pain clinics, either.  But I explained to her that years ago, when it became obvious to the surgeon and second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, and so on opinions by leading neurologists dotted about the country (sent scans and records all over) that I was "going to have to learn a life I never dreamed I'd have to live" (quote from Scripps-LaJolla specialist after he looked at my scans), that I wanted to try a pain clinic.  He squashed that idea.  Said I'd be worse off just being driven there and back each day.  Would defeat the purpose; would cause me more pain for the effort.  

He added, as he'd gotten to know me fairly well in the months after surgery, in all the attempts made to help reduce the constant, intractable pain that caused me permanent disability, that I'd "out think a pain clinic the first day."  I didn't take it as a compliment; he just knew that I study and do research and use intellect as means of trying to learn and figure a way forward.  I also am not shy about speaking up once I have my facts in order.

So, back to the physical therapist here the other day, I said no, I'm not needing to go to a pain clinic after all these years.  Back then, the surgeon set me up with physical therapy close to where I lived at the time, and I already had Dr. H. helping me with a myriad of pain management techniques after we also exhausted an attempt for a second career in clinical psychology, as he felt with the gift of paranormal type gifts (I was not adept then with spiritual vocabulary, and mystic was not in Dr. H's nor my ken then), I'd be very good as a therapist helping people with pain.  I made it through over half a doctorate in clinical psychology coursework, laying on the floor in classrooms, before pain sieges made us realize I'd not be able to be consistent for clients.

I tell you, it just gets so "old" having to deal with the situation of pain and other peoples' good intentions.  I give benefit of the doubt.  It is so frustrating, though, when I've explained already, or when I've mentioned now and even given the physiological aspects and symptoms of Arachnoiditis, even though literature mentions that many clinicians will not have heard of it.  I have mentioned it to those professionals who have been here, though, in my post surgery recovery, and a couple had heard of it.  The others I've explained, as I figure in their careers ahead of them they might encounter someone else with this unfortunate diagnosis.

Lord, I really need far more patience, especially since I tend to wipe out the day after physical therapy session, or like yesterday, taking a shower, or today--had weather shift in the night, so barometric pressure change has the pain high.  It is not that I am any more without pain medication as had been the case for a long time past.  The problem is not that I am not motivated to get up often and walk around the house or outside, or do the few careful exercises.  It is that severe pain is fatiguing; it is absolutely exhausting, physically.  I cannot emphasize that enough.

I realize it is too difficult for people who are on the other side of me, viewing me, in their way wanting to help, to grasp the reality of what I am explaining.  Some have a hard time accepting it; others listen but are not able to absorb.  Some simply do not remember because it is not the usual and no need to research it for themselves as they are living an active and busy life outside their active professions.  And yet others are so set in their "take" or what they themselves "think" is the issue here, that they doubt what I explain and stick with their own conclusions.  I understand, I do.

This physical therapist, I think, gets it even if might not find someone who is so slowed by pain and fatigue off and on, to be a satisfying success story.  Probably my greatest perk for clinicians is that I keep trying, and that I desire to do all I can to improve.  I persevere.  I can usually bring some laughs.  She found it amazing that I find it helpful and encouraging to finally know what has caused such debilitating and life-altering pain after all these years.  Yes, I find it a relief to know.  

Truth is always best and most helpful.  I won't have to go through more hassles from the medical profession; doctors will not say I'm malingering or pain is psychological; other people might limit their insinuations that I don't want to be better; some might stop being biased in the pain meds that help take the edge off--some days better than other days depending on the variables.

After the physical therapist left, I decided to research more, on Arachnoiditis.  I was left tempted to feel discouraged by once more explaining my situation.  I do know the physical therapist was not blaming me and probably not doubting.  I recognize that I'm hardly able to function much, physically; very slow process, and takes energy and grace of God to strive.  The physical therapist did state and remind me, that the healing from the surgery--the acute pain--is still in process and can be for a year or so.

Here's what I found, in addition to what I've read prior, about Arachnoiditis.  It makes me feel very pleased with the Lord getting me through all these years.  I'm proud of my now-adult children who dealt with their single parent, with the ups and downs that pain brings with it, and with the disability of it, to the point that they had to not only fend for themselves much, but they'd care-take me through the pain sieges.  

At some point I want to give them this information and tell them how grateful, proud, and impressed by what they gave under most difficult circumstances, and am thanking God all the more for the divine strength and love bestowed upon them, throughout alld these years.

From the 2016 annual meeting of The American Academy of Pain Management, Dr. Forest Tennant presented findings from his research on the topic.  

"An extremely debilitating chronic pain condition, Arachnoiditis is caused by injury to the arachnoid, one of the membranes that surrounds and protects the nerves of the spinal cord.  It is initially characterized by inflammation, and then by nerve root entrapment, bundling, and adhesion formation, followed by centralization of pain and overstimulation of the sympathetic nervous and hormonal systems.

Dr. Tennant went on to say that Arachnoiditis "is probably the worst pain there is; it's humanity's worst pain."  He added that it is "described as worse than cancer pain or the prolonged or excessive pain associated with complex regional pain syndrome...."

The presentation included many more details, but this gives the gist.  I tell you, dear readers, it helps me with on-going forgiveness I need to enact, to offer, to put into effect.  I must forgive consistently, continuously.  Although I've been through a forgiveness process of persons in the past, especially doctors whose not knowing caused me to suffer more, and what's worse caused my children to suffer more because I was denied medication that would have helped at least some, I will have to keep forgiving in the present moment, when the moments present themselves.

I have to forgive myself, as well.  I have to forgive myself for the limitations I have due to the pain, and for the many times I might have done better, such as this morning.  My voice and attitude were not perky when someone called.  The pain was ruling me, not me ruling the pain.  I allowed the present moment to go to the past and then to the future.  I was tempted to want it all to be easier.

I must forgive myself for not being the soul I wish to be, and wished to be.  Even after 20 years this month, from the first inklings of God's call for me to being preparing to enter the consecrated life of the church via the eremitic life, I still know of myself that if not for this further stripping of my temporal life, I'd be tempted and no doubt weak to the temptations of being drawn out of the devoting my life to the praise of God and the salvation of the world, that is the first point of a body, mind, heart, and soul into the Church's hermit vocation.

Lord, I'll cooperate by the grace of Christ's suffering granted to me in suffering out in my earthly body, a small portion of His agony on the Cross.  Forgive me, for I really have no options other than to cooperate or to not, even though in my agreeing to suffer, to be a Victim Soul of His Sacred Heart, I do not suffer at all heroically.  I can attest to that truth, as can my family and friends if honest.

See what the Lord must do to answer my prayers to fulfill in His will, my mission?  See what added pruning is necessary for a weak and undisciplined someone like me, in order to better the hermit be, as well--the vocational vehicle God has given me to fulfill His will, in the latter portion of what temporal years He's bequeathed?

Yet, a marvelous aspect of Arachnoiditis and being able to read about it--there is much more than the bit I've written--is that the suffering all these years, even if I have not suffered well, has caused me to turn all the more to God.  I realize that is a huge part of his point in gracing me with such suffering.  I won't go into it here, but I was foretold of the 1987 surgery and of living through it by mystical means.  I am not surprised at the transition asked of me, currently, for I so easily get enticed more into other creative aspects of life than what the Lord desires.

He wants me so honed to His will and to the narrow path, that especially now with so much stripped and trimmed away, I see all the more clearly that there is really nothing other in life that matters than for souls to love God above all things and others as ourselves.  I mean this in a very real and deep sense; I mean it in the way that St. Bernard, for example, sought to love God in Himself and others as an outflow of God's perfect and pure love.

That is what I desire.  I must forgive myself, for the reason I have come to desire this level of love of God and coming to union with Him while yet on this earth even if in brief breaths of union, is due to pain.  I understand that it is the pain that the Lord allows, that is His means for me, to keep me from being drawn out and away from the singular point, the recognition of what is the purpose of our lives.  I'm sorry that it has taken great pain in my life to keep me honed to desire union with His own suffering and ultimately his Divine Love.

Forgive me, Most Holy Trinity.  I am sorry I am so weak, so easily drawn off the purpose, Thy will for me.  I'm so thankful for all the times that pain has been the prod, the goad.  I'm thankful for the opportunities given before the more intense sufferings came along--accident, divorce, surgery, constant pain.  I'm thankful I have been able to experience the love of a parent for children and their love in return.

Now to press forward.  On-going forgiveness--I embrace forgiving onward as another crucial facet of loving God and others as myself.  Now to get up off this icy pad on the bed and do some exercises, walk around, and know that the level of the pain today will ease off a bit with another weather shift.  Know that the acute pain of the surgery will ease as it already has decreased some, incrementally, just as my ability to get up and walk and undertake more tasks to fend for oneself are increasing some, incrementally.  

The Lord is making His will known to me His will all the more clear.  More has been trimmed away of external life; more will be given in the interior, of the spiritual life, of the mystical life in His Real Presence, and for the espousal of others.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

[This lengthy post, another cathartic one, helping me endure higher pain today than what I've been better able to manage at other times.  It could be discouraging since it has been 8 weeks since surgery, but given the reality from research, I feel joyous in being given the grace by God even if by my clinging, grasping Jesus on His Cross in order to try to cope.  I tell you, I first read the Psalms upon waking--whatever Psalm in the day's Mass readings, as they come daily to my laptop inbox around 3 a.m.  I beg St. Bernard through whom I'm connected as now reading a volume of his sermons circa 1137, to  help me yearn for God out of  loving desire, not from the pain alone.  That might be a bit arrogant of me to even ask, to yearn for God, to love God in Himself without the pain being the impetus.  For I honestly think if not for the pain, I'd be off and out into the beautiful world, the world of activity and good pleasure, of work, and then even drawn off into the world of a parish.  Rather, the Lord wants me for Himself, within Him increasingly close, drawn to union.  Pain is a loving means for someone like me.  I do not have the purity and discipline of soul such as did St. Bernard of Clairvaux]

Catholic Hermit: Always Discerning God's Will

Seems it never stops--nor should it: Discerning God's will for our lives--our present moment, daily temporal and spiritual lives.

The past two mornings (and probably many others), I realize have been taken up with a couple phone calls and then an email and responding to it.  These communications (including so many in the past) always have to do with some type of problem a person is having, or some sort of message--always spiritual, as I see matters spiritually, always, one way or another.

This morning, after writing quite a bit in response to someone emailing an on-going difficulty and wanting my advice, my opinion, I realized along with yesterday's phone call involving more personalized advice and my opinion, of which the person wanted and appreciated even if cannot act on it--are quite time consuming in a temporal sense, and also limited since the verbal and written directly involve individuals. 

Time, prayer, expressing spiritual thoughts and potential remedies are involved in addressing temporal problems.  These issues always have spiritual roots, for God is in all aspects of our lives--permeates our fiber and comings and goings.  I speak, I write, and soon it is time to temporally address my bodily pain as well as get up and tend to temporal tasks, and also to have the precious time of intimacy with His Real Presence that is my deep and personal longing and preference, of my body, mind, heart and soul!

A thought occurred as I realized it is already 10:30 in the morning, and I'm still on my floor bed and have much that it seems the Holy Spirit is nudging me to write and share.  Yet I also need to get up, dressed, teeth brushed, and off to the paint store which will close early on this first Saturday in Lent (as they close early every Saturday in the calendar year).

Yes, a thought came to mind, and I will discern if the Holy Spirit gave this thought--perhaps through my guardian angel who is a messenger for the Holy Spirit.  (Guardian angels are our personal angel protector, guide, and beloved friend given our souls by God, and with us through thick and thin, all through our lives.)

The thought is to ask the person/s calling or emailing, if they'd mind if I wrote the situation in anonymous fashion, and the thoughts that come to me, for better or worse, on my blog so that others, also, who might stumble upon my blog site might find anything of relevance to their own lives.  Always in my verbal and written responses to others, there is the inclusion of my own experiences as I, too, have often enough dealt with similar issues in the living out life.  We are in this together, yet those who call or email, seeking my input, know my response will be honest yet spiritual. 

A verbal or written communication might include the honest truth often enough that I myself do not know, or that I am just sharing what I sense, or that we will pray and God will guide us further.  Sometimes another insight comes later, and I either call or write or pray about it, or forget to bring it up again.  I need to be more diligent in follow through, of when the Holy Spirit nudges me with a further thought or explanation or example, that I follow through with delivering.

Yet, part of my mission given by God and expressed to me is to teach--to help teach others how to stabilize emotions and seek God in all aspects of life--to see the spiritual, to see God--to grasp our purpose here is to glorify God and to love, to love to learn to love!

As part of a response to someone this morning, I pointed out that when we think God is asking something of us, to do something and not simply the more intimate and physically passive action of prayer, we tend to test the Spirits, to test out His will by going ahead with what we think we should do, or sometimes also to stay in inaction--even sometimes not "actively" praying as best we could.

So now I am going to do as we humans often "do", as I have prayed for wisdom and guidance, and while awaiting His response, if I do not "hear" within or in some signal temporal or spiritual, I will next time ask the person calling or writing, if I can use my blog space to anonymously write what comes within me, to ponder, suggest, consider, and opine regarding their situations.  These situations, time and again, I notice are rather universal to us all.  I also have learned that the very action of others calling or writing with their daily life trials or questions, often are ones that I, too, will learn from--especially from whatever the Holy Spirit inspires in the conversations or written responses.  The intellect and will are at the center of our souls (as St. John of the Cross so inspirationally has described). 

What comes from us as we are asked by others to consider for them and give our feedback to them, especially if this is one's God's tasks for us in this life to do and be, when we pray and ask--will come from our intellects and wills at the center of our souls.  Additionally, up to that point, are the encircling aspects of the other layers, so to speak, encircling the center--of these layers making up our souls:  spiritual or inner sensing, emotion (heart), memory, images, understanding, then intellect and will at the very center of our soul. 

I will give this a try.  Perhaps later, after I get the paint store task accomplished, I might write of the situation written to me, if I gain permission from the person.  I can then share a bit of the situation the person is in, what the person thinks God might be asking, and then share the thoughts from me, which, as I mentioned above, often enough are also wrought from similar situations and how I've grappled, or what worked well or what I learned otherwise.

The time and energy (although all belongs to God) that it takes for me to do so much individually, might better be utilized and free me for the deep desire and calling I have from within my own soul to spend increasing "time and energy" given me by God, to be in intimate communication and adoration with and of Him in the silence of solitude He has so graciously gifted me now, in this peaceful hermitage: Solus Deus.

We shall see how it works out.  Then the person/s can simply read my thoughts and opinions on whatever topic, privately.  Or, I can write to him or her directly but cut-and-paste directly to this blog to share whatever might be helpful to all the anonymous others--the various readers from different countries who happen upon my blog and read it for whatever hopeful good it might bring to them as well.  Even if the good is a negation--practically apophetic aspect of the negative which can thus be a type of light or enlightening thought--that is a positive!

God Bless HIS REAL PRESENCE within us!

Holy Door Update

Well, the elderly friend emailed the latest.  The monsignor of their cathedral has once more changed his decision as to which door is to be holy.  They had a ceremony for the holy door, which he ended up changing back to be the doors facing the main thoroughfare, of which the friend adroitly pointed out are actually double doors of which few ever use.

But the ceremony was held; they declined to be in attendance which is wise this time of year considering weather, viruses, night venue, and age.

So two of the doors are now officially holy, and perhaps more technically so because few if any of us unholy humans pass through them.

The exhaustion from physical pain continues here with this hermit.  Today will attempt Chapter 2 of Hebrews, not that what I write will be of interest to anyone but God.  He is always interested in what we are about, what we do, think, speak, feel.

Even if what I write, as I was recently reminded, might be beautifully written and profound, the person informing me also added that it is not what most people grasp.  He mentioned some famous media types who with ghostwriters put out books that people buy and read, as well as they write some children's books.

Of course, the comment was meant to be for me to perhaps try to write something that actual people enjoy reading and can grasp, or that which is pleasing to others including children.

However, while I did write a children's book once and illustrated it, my life has shifted some over the years, and I see through situations with more reality, perhaps, and I seek all the more my purpose for being here in accordance to what God has in Mind.  The pain rivets me to deeper thoughts and to realism.

For example, when I read an article about the current pope a year ago excoriating the clerics in the Vatican curia for having embezzled, taken bribes, been immoral, lived in excess and gluttony--and this year was once more addressing them, but this time trying to get them to learn to be honest and moral, to live a couple of basic virtues--I had to ask myself why are these clerics, some of them having committed criminal acts, still in the curia?  

What is wrong with grown ups who had years ago been gifted with years of paid instruction and formation and then even more years of paid and glorified lived experience--supposed to be sons of God who were anointed with the oil of gladness, given the scepter of righteousness, told to love justice and hate wickedness?  Why are they not out working at some job more suited to their inability to have grasped what is simple honesty, years ago?  

If these alter Christi did not get the message from the pope a year ago, why still be trying to explain to them what is honesty and ask them to try living simple virtues, now?  If they did not grasp the simple definitions of virtues and to live good lives when children growing up in their mostly Catholic homes--taught simple right from wrong--why is the top leader of a major church in the world, still attempting to cajole them into trying on a bit of goodness, yet, a year later?

Would any owner of a dog put up with such disobedience after having trained the animal otherwise as a pup?

I can see how Jesus was perturbed with the high priests, the Sadducees, the Pharisees, the scribes--of the various hypocrisies of the Temple goers and doers.  He turned to the lowly people, then, through preaching and teaching. He knew their neediness as not having viable leaders for their souls.  

He gave His hope to their neediness, at least, and their lostness, their seeking a shepherd to guide them when the ones to whom was given by God the scepter of righteousness had either dropped the scepter or started to use it as a sword to fight for personal power, prestige, position, and possessions.  Or maybe the scepter had poked their eyes out.  Blind shepherds, then, trying to lead lost sheep.

We each and every one of us need to find our God-given purpose in life, our holy point for being here, and to take a realistic view of what it is that God asks of us. We need to grasp the scepter of righteousness even if not ceremonially ordained.  We must pray to be touched in our minds and hearts and souls by His oil of gladness, and to deeply love justice and to resolutely hate wickedness.  We must be noble in our purpose and never let go of what is right; we must listen to and follow Jesus.  Remain in His Love!

The others--those entangled in the nets just beneath the surface--we must let God touch them, deal with them, love and rescue them.  We must swim on out into the deep, not knowing where we are going but going in faith, yet not get entangled ourselves in humanly uncuttable nets.  Just keep swimming toward the depths of His Real Presence.  We must!

Hermit Taken Down

There are times like this in one's life, when His Real Presence allows a person, with a soul, to be taken down.  

At the time it feels as if a case of total hopelessness, but that is not the case.  Rather, it is simply:  being taken down. Dropped down in humility, taken down to the raw basics and realities, brought low to the ground or even crushed and allowed to feel broken.

This is necessary in order for germination and new growth.

On such occasions, when one's purpose in life is hard to pinpoint or recall, when the body experiences a certain inertia to rise and do even basic tasks, it is well to ponder deep within and remain in a state of calm rest.  It does no good to become despairing.  That is not the point of being taken down.  The point is to be emptied out of the extraneous and superfluous self-images and righteousness that may have collected over the days, months, or even years in a lifetime.

This hermit has been distracting itself with news videos, it being election day in this country.  In between, the hermit prays the Divine Office "hours" and reads the daily Mass Scriptures.  Then it considers what is important in life and tries to recall messages from God in various phases of its life.  A huge message occurred while in a hospital bed in the family room, a few weeks after the major back surgeries and accompanying death experience.

Dr. H. was visiting, trying to help the then Protestant single-mother, not yet cancelled from her career and hoping to somehow find relief from the horrific, constant pain that was not relieved by surgery.  Dr. H. was starting to grasp that this woman in her mid-thirties then, was facing serious pain that was not showing signs of much improvement.  One day he gave an assignment.  "Take some time to think about, pray about, what is your purpose in life."

The answer came immediately within, but Dr. H. had said to take some time, so the answer was not immediately shared with him.  When it was, he seemed rather disappointed.  The purpose was not what he had in mind, as he had meant more what is a purpose for the temporal aspect of life.  

In other words, he wanted to know:  What will you do?  How will you move forward and in what career capacity?  So when this young, educated, attractive, single woman and mother of three young children answered, "My purpose in life is to glorify God," it took some explaining as to why this is the preeminent, "foolproof" purpose.

Nothing can touch or hinder a purpose such as this.  To glorify God can happen no matter what befalls a person, no matter if alive or dead, no matter if alone or with many, no matter if broke or flush with funds, no matter if in this church or that.  To glorify God only depends upon the soul whose sole purpose is to glorify God.  No one can take it away, ever, unless the person lets go of it.

A cousin just called.  The hermit was so thankful.  It explained it had thought of calling the cousin so many times in the past few weeks but feared bursting into tears.  The cousin wants the hermit to return to the hometown.  She said it is nothing but hardship here, and each time there is nothing but more awful catastrophes and bad things that have occurred.  She said, "You realize, it is not normal for someone to have so many repeated hardships.  Surely God does not mean for you to be there."

Then the hermit spoke of being "taken down" by God:  humbled.  The cousin said, "You were never proud to begin with.  You did not ever think yourself better or that you flaunted living in a decent place, for you always lived in modest circumstances--nothing exclusive."  

But the hermit replied that it has been proud.  It has not been humble in deeper ways, such as who does it think it is, that it should not suffer and have hardship after hardship, that it should not be taken advantage of repeatedly by people out in the big world?  It is not all people, but it is enough of them in strategic aspects.  However, the hermit has seen how it has forgotten that there is no reason why it should be spared.

Then the hermit told the cousin about Horatio Spafford, as she recognized the hymn, "It Is Well With My Soul."  And the hermit was able to state that it is not only Catholics who persecute their own, for the Spaffords were Presbyterians.  So the cousin asked why would God want such hardships?  Wouldn't God want this hermit to have a decent place to live and not hard work and discomfort and trials one after another?

Well, why not?  Why should this hermit be spared?  Repeatedly in Scriptures we read of the narrow way, the narrow gate, to pick up our crosses daily.  For those to whom much is given, much is expected.  This hermit has been given marvelous spiritual gifts, and with that comes training, and training can be rigorous.

For one thing, the hermit shared with the cousin that unpacking dishes and pans means nothing now.  (And the sink is not plumbed, anyway.)  But the stove could be used, but it is meaningless.  The hermit is used to three saucers, a bowl, a cup, a couple plastic spoons, a sharp knife, a microwave and small fridge.  Perhaps at some point the new refrigerator will be pulled out and shimmed to level it, and the pantry cabinet pulled out beside it and shimmed and bolted.  But that will take someone else to help, and none of it matters, ultimate.  None of these living conditions really matter, ultimately.

Perhaps today the hermit is best off in bed, or maybe to get up and put in three more panels of insulation.  (Each takes a lot of fitting, cutting and placing between uneven studs.)   The bulk of the day is needed to absorb God's taking the hermit down.  Down, down, down--deep into it's inner recesses of soul and clearing away the rat nests and cobwebs of residual debris that smells and creates obstacles against proper insulation from the outer detritus of the world and all its "things."

Today is the day to recall the hermit's purpose--then when young and with hopes of a career and less painful life ahead...yet not to be.  That life never happened and never will.  God did not ordain physical health, remarriage, tangible wealth, or ease of life circumstances--not with a neighbor, not with adult children, not with an abode, not with a parish (at least not in this phase).  

To glorify God necessitates being taken down now and then, and each time, to be taken more down.  More down, down, down, into the ground; and there, to be emptied out by being crushed.  There is glory in that because it is as God Himself did with His Son, Jesus Christ. 

We need our time periods in the Garden of Gethsemane and then our trial before our critical peers, and judgment by those who do not grasp, and then our humiliating parade through circumstances that read "failure" to those watching, and then our seemingly, nearly abandonment in crucifixion.

But this hermit's cousin came to the foot of its cross today, and her presence made all the difference.  Her compassion, her sharing of some trials with her own adult children, her listening to the possibilities as to why God allows such things, her recognizing the hymn--yes, it is well with our souls.

What is best to know even if we don't remember while we are being taken down, is that God raises up.  It may not be right away, but soon.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Little children, let us love one another, for love is of GOD!  Remain in His LOVE!


 

Deeper Conversion

Another awakening with the severe headache and more back pain.  All this has thankfully pointed this "nothing" into deeper questing of His Real Presence.  There is greater desire to do His will.  And that doing is more a being, at this phase of suffering that one would pray no one ever endure, especially not repeatedly with increased intensity over age and time.

Yet there are the many positives, always.  Being on the cross with Jesus is incomparable.  The earthly detachment that comes with severe suffering assists in setting priorities.  For a hermit, this includes prayerfully listening and reviewing the priorities as well as messages from His Real Presence.  Is the vocation being lived as He wills?  What signs indicate?

Certainly, having physical limitations arrive, help in making adjustments.  Then, such as yesterday with the unexpected noticing the name of one called Dositheus the Elder, Recluse of the Kiev Caves, led to further research.  And, it was no coincidence that this 18th c. female hermit's feast day is Oct. 8, yesterday's date.  The wonders of His Real Presence reach into our lives so beautifully!

Here is yet another hermit who lived austerely, all for God, in prayer, and remained in her cave the remainder of her life.  She left family and friends, comfortable and privileged life style in order to give herself completely to love and intimacy of and in His Real Presence.  Her prayers and offering of her life became her action; she was given other spiritual gifts and counseled those who asked.  But this was not the purpose of her existence, to be utilized in known ways.  Her purpose was love of God and adoration.  And that love of God always flows into love of souls, love of others whether physically interactive with them or not.

This hermit now prays about its own existence, and the purpose is not this temporal abode, or even trying to make it livable or salable.  Rather, the challenge is to live in it as is, and if the body is somehow able to do some manual labor, then do so.  The main work is of prayer and adoration. Pray for souls and adore His Real Presence.  Leaving this "cave" is not essential other than on occasion for some provisions.  Or, perhaps He will provide someone out there to bring some food from time to time.  One must remain open to whatever assistance He might provide.

Yesterday this Catholic hermit addressed in a blog post, another hermit and supporters, exhorting to leave off rather contrary writing, of which this hermit here has not been the only target over the last several years.  One wonders if hermits of yore had these issues with other hermits seemingly threatened or competitive, or desiring notice or to be esteemed over their fellow hermits.  Presumably this is not a problem of just one time period.  Human nature will always be as it is, and vices and virtues are our constant fare in the spiritual journey.

The post was left up long enough to get the message across to the person and persons involved, and to assure of prayers and well wishes for their vocations to be lived to the glory of God and for great success in the striving for holiness.  We all, hopefully, desire what is the sum and perfection of our poor souls, to some day or moment to be united with His Real Presence for all eternity.

God bless His Real Presence in each of us; and let us love one another, little children though we be, and His children, one and all.