This Scripture from today's Mass, the Solemnity of the Immaculate Conception, seems appropriate to what is of importance, and replaces, all the more, any small bit of persecution of which I complained. From Ephesians 1:11-12:
"In Him we were also chosen, destined in accord wit the purpose of the One who accomplishes all things according to the intention of His will, so that we might exist for the praise of His glory, we who first hoped in Christ."
I had written of a situation of a lady consecrated Catholic hermit, publicly professed, who has continued to discredit my writing and my being a consecrated Catholic hermit, privately professed. I assume she has gotten my reminder to consider her own situation, but it demonstrates the irony of someone who cannot accept that privately professed Catholic hermits have and continue to be in the eremitic vocation and along with consecrated virgins, widows, those in religious orders, and the various persons in societies and institutes, make up the consecrated life of the Church as much as she does.
I think she may have by now removed the most offensive of her derision, identifying my blog and claiming I am a fraud and a counterfeit hermit. Nothing new, really, and I'm grateful only a small portion was brought to my attention. Although her Vicar General who wanted no responsibility of her advised I take civil legal action against her in the past (which demonstrates a reason why many bishops do not want the responsibility of being a CL603 hermit's "legitimate superior"), I had prayed at that time and had--and still have--a peace about simply letting God deal with her. I continue to pray for her.
When I reviewed what I'd written on this particular post, upset by her inability to cease and desist to what amounts to online bullying, the now humor inserts itself as to just how ridiculous is her attempt to do damage and keep up the derisions. This is the third time I've awakened in the past few days, and am reminded that the devil is poking me. All the more I laugh about the reasons why the devil would continue to poke, and in my weariness did get a reaction from me! That makes me chuckle aloud which is better than my usual wakings in which I'm struggling with other emotions complicit of bodily, physical pain.
But what I am appreciating of the devil's attempt through the lady's persistent derision of me, is that in my attempts to write my feelings and thoughts on it, many good aspects are shown me. With each good, I update what I previously tried to express. One good in considering the lady's upset with my writing about my own life journey as a consecrated Catholic hermit, I could see the reality of just how much in my own written expression just how much physical pain I was in when writing my appeal to her conscience. Maybe more so, I see how my writing style and sentence structure were and are in unusually poor form.
I might even edit out more or all to do with this woman's attacks. I know the tricks of the devil at this point of my temporal and spiritual life, but I reacted rather than brush aside the gnat-like pest. It seemed cathartic for me to write how I feel about her derisions and attempts to discredit me personally as well as to discredit my blog site and writings. Now I realize it took my site from my soul's main purpose.
At first I thought I was dealing with the bit of persecution as a reminder to pray for souls; that is always a need, of course. Now I see how the devil succeeded temporarily in poking me, trying to further discourage me in this phase of greater physical suffering and also to discourage me from writing. But my writing style and form are not up to par whatsoever, and that brings a joy now all the more in how much God loves the humble attempts in my expression as much as in past when I was a better writer.
But despite my inability to write well these days, and my falling to the devil's tricks of not just the gnat-like derisions but more my rambling, painful content often of pain and suffering, my main purpose for this particular post remains what I am discovering as a result, this truism of our human condition: Everyone needs a purpose.
What is our purpose--my purpose? Simply put, union with His Real Presence--Father, Son, and Holy Spirit: the Trinity--is every person's ultimate purpose. Yet subsistent to that purpose, we human beings desire and want purpose in our daily, temporal lives, as well as in our spiritual, lives. And these are intertwined.
Part of my appeal to the woman to cease attempts to discredit me as a legitimate, consecrated Catholic hermit or to indoctrinate readers that I have no "legal" right to write as a Catholic hermit or about the hermit vocation, brought me to considering my own purpose. With the exacerbation of bodily pain (likely due to the needed spine surgery having aggravated my lumbar Adhesive Arachnoiditis), my ability to focus much on spiritual reading is inconsistent; and my ability to go more inward to contemplate or even meditate is diminished. The pain is too pervasive to bear my going "inward."
Rather, distraction helps me go out my pained body and transcend to whatever degree of pain God might mystically grace. For the most part, my best means of transcending pain includes writing this blog; and writing has always, since a young child, been a gift, of sorts, or so I've been told throughout my life. Writing is a natural means for me, an automatic adjunct of expression. Writing is a facet inherent in my vocational "vehicle" that God chose by calling me to this life as a consecrated Catholic hermit for the duration of my temporal life.
I write of my thoughts and experiences, both temporally and spiritually, in my daily life as a consecrated Catholic hermit, now over 20 years since God's call. And it will be 19 years this month since my profession of the evangelical counsels and the offering of my approved vows--approved by my spiritual father, a holy priest, not a bishop.
But mine is the path by which hermits have been formed and professed, privately, for centuries. The Church acknowledges and legitimized the eremitic tradition of private profession over these centuries and continues to do so, but recently she includes that of public profession of the evangelical counsels, in the hands of a bishop, affixing a hermit choosing that path to a specific diocese.
Yes, I am evolving as a consecrated Catholic hermit and also as an imperfect soul, and am going with God's flow as He unfolds my life within this beautiful and challenging eremitic vocation and as a Christian lover of Christ. Yet even my view of what being "hidden from the eyes of men" means to me, by which the Church describes her hermits, can strike a raw nerve in some whose hermit lives are less hidden.
We hermits are all evolving in this vocation according to God's unfolding; I myself have passed through phases of lesser or greater degrees of the various ideals the Church has set forth for her hermits. I also increasingly grasp the spiritual good and benefit of anonymity, and this for my own living out of my hermit life. Other hermits who choose being public and seen, should not be irked by or resent how my eremitic vocation is evolving.
But these matters are a digression. I realize the devil essentially tripped me and used the woman again in the process. Yet God turns all to good in my life. I see more clearly now not only my main purpose for being: my true desire for eternal union with Christ. I also see that He yet gifts me yet this facet of expression through writing and sharing my personal spiritual journey as a consecrated Catholic hermit but increasingly as a soul simplified by suffering.
So again, I do believe that while everyone needs a purpose, we do all have the same, ultimate purpose of coming to union in God. Despite not everyone ultimately recognizing, desiring, or striving in that divine purpose, we each have other and unique, individual, God-given and desired temporal purposes. These are ways in which we share and give of ourselves to God and others to greater or lesser degrees of purposes.
I will continue to write, of course--even if what I write is even less artistically or cogently stated. I also will put this brief trip-up by the devil, behind me yet again. For it is the beginning of a new liturgical year; it is Advent.
I also have come to realize, through thoughts which came while writing a separate post, that as God gives the grace of forgiveness, He also gives the grace to be able to forget the sins against us. And God asks us to forget our own sins once we have asked for and received His forgiveness and repented sincerely. As to others, their process of recognizing their sins and flaws is between them and God.
Solus Deus! God alone! Clear out the darkness! Advent is an opportune season in preparation for the Light of Christ to abide within and us in Him!
A temporal and spiritual light for my soul is a shift in my perspective, of writing to God: blog posts to God, so to speak. Mine is a written conversation, of which when writing of spiritual matters or even of daily life situations not seemingly spiritual but requiring spiritual help, as they always do--I write my way through. The Holy Spirit, when I write, lifts my mind, heart, and soul from my painful body. The Holy Spirit always brings me around when I get diverted; He prevails with helpful, holy insights.
When I'm plagued by temporal situations. my writing includes expression of my wrongs and sins. At times my writing has itself shown me my flaws, my sins, my inadvertent but later-on, obvious hurtfulness. I then deserve to suffer my sins' consequences, which I know are due me.
I hope in God; I ask God's forgiveness with true remorse; He forgives my wrongs. I persevere in writing to share the spiritual progression through and beyond my human weakness and sin. The value of confession, forgiveness, penance--of keeping going in Christ, through increasing faith in His love and mercy--also of these I hope in God.
I write onward, for better, for worse to become better, despite my pain impacting the wording and flow. The effects of pain in my temporal life are now pervasive except in my soul's abiding in Christ. The ultimate need of purpose that can only be fulfilled in eternal union with my Beloved Bridegroom.
We all have and need this purpose--our eternal union with God. And we all appreciate whatever temporal-spiritual adjunct modes of purpose that we are given as gifts and talents from God. These bring us a sense of meaning as well as consolation during life's unpredictable journey...other than the steadfast reality of our souls seeking union with God as our needed ultimate purpose.
God bless His Real Presence in us! Lord, have mercy on our souls!
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