Catholic Hermit: Enlightenment; Forgiveness

I'm on the second of three days--which will flow (and glow) through today's Feast of Epiphany celebrated in the United States and some other countries, rather than on the actual 12th day after Christmas: Epiphany, January 6.  

Yesterday I waited but managed to stand the 40 minutes (shorter than the norm!) awaiting my turn for Sacramental Reconciliation, or Confession.  I finally was able to verbally mention the hurt I'd caused the friend from childhood, and also any others I have hurt without, of course, intending to.  I mentioned the adult children, and what all and ever they feel offense and hurt, or even some type of anger that their childhoods and into adult lives, they had a pained and suffering single parent, in addition to my many flaws and foibles.

In the 3 minutes or so available (the confession line had grown while we had waited for the 3:30 p.m. confession time to arrive, so the penitents know or will be told that we need to be prepared--a good thing for a parish of over 11,000 members), I mentioned the insight regarding my not needing "friends"--to which the priest immediately said he politely disagreed.  But I said wait--there is an insight I've had--an epiphany--that I'd like you to hear.  

I explained (quickly!) that rather than "friends" and "friendships", what I have and must broaden in scope, is:  loves.  The priest saw the point, the reality of this.  I mentioned if I am given the grace to love, and desire to love to the fourth degree of love which St. Bernard describes, then I will love all souls as beloved created souls of God.  

And I must not expect love in return from people on earth--to which the priest agreed that at best, we are mostly incomplete and what love we might offer is likely partial or broken.  Yes!  But I added that we do not need to be loved by those around us when we realize that God loves us perfectly, and that those souls on the other side who are in God or progression to union with God, in their far greater grasp of love of God in Himself, love us.

Part of my confession pertained to my wrong and selfishness of expecting others to be able to love--to forgive, and to love in return.  And that I can understand now, why this is not for me to expect or even, really, to desire.  God's love is what my mind, heart, and soul truly desires; His love is what we all desire--and God's love is what will fulfill the emptiness.  For I also was able to rapidly mention that morning's Mass Gospel reading of the emptying out of the demons, the bad, the negative--and risk--and here the priest completed the sentence with, "the seven more demons coming in to fill the space."

So he suggested for the next three days, that I pray for the broken relationships--the persons I've hurt or the ones that were best or time to free from personal relationships including myself, for I mentioned that in many cases, others may need to be freed from what negative I represent or am in their lives.  It was all so humbling.  I told him that is excellent penance, as I can put my love of all others--the infinite "loves" I have been given by God's love--to purpose and practice.  

I even mentioned that there is this hermit lady in another state and diocese, who has had difficulty accepting my anonymous blog and has negative--to say the least, but that I have come to feel pity for her, and that I have come to love her,  and will very much have her on the focused prayers of the negatives, the broken, the wounded. (I did not say anything more, not that the person is obsessed and bullying for over 11 years, broke two penal codes in doxxing and slander.  But the priest's reaction was that of open-eyed amazement, then a combination smile of disbelief plus the type of amusement I've come to have in the inane situation. He only exclaimed, while half-laughing at the preposterous irony of it:  REALLY?!!!"  Yes.  And I think this lady hermit will be my buddy for life and all eternity.)

Marvelous how the Holy Spirit can stretch 3-4 minutes to include even my parting request of the priest:  Could he please be thinking of any priest or monk with whom I could speak with on occasion, or write to with questions or to receive feedback as to my spiritual life and hermit vocation....  Immediately he was nodding but also said, "I have one."  I did not grasp the statement, so I continued, "...just some guidance and someone who'd be good with hermit, mystic--but grounded." The priest simply repeated, but more emphatically:  "Already have one!  Have one in mind."

I'd scheduled an appointment awhile ago, which is upcoming in ten days, unless a funeral Mass precludes it; I'm figuring perhaps then, the priest will let me know the person he has in mind and how I may make contact.  

All is well, and all shall be well.  I'm forgiven by God; I've also had an epiphany regarding my "loves", and I'm busy praying in my three-days of focused prayers for quite a list of people known and many unknown, whom I've hurt, disappointed, offended, expected love in return, or have needed to free or be freed from.  I'm praising God for the Epiphany gift!  And the priest in what was no more than four minutes' temporal time, helped me immensely in his counsel regarding the negative relationships that out grow their purpose or good.  But the persons remain loves, of course, and I pray for them--without expecting anything from them.

Of course I've already had a couple tests to the epiphany as well as my knowing it was time to expunge a negative situation and relationship.  The person is in denial and let it be known will not be doing what is morally right.  I researched the illegalities of what has been perpetuated over several years, and I will not interject further nor respond even if asked advice.  I've answered the requests, plus with advice also from a professional advisor.  There may be some other tough freeings to be made; but I yet will always love and consider all souls my "loves."  

Perhaps it was the standing, the driving yesterday, but today have been in bed all day:  pain high and am fatigued from it.  After confession, since in area of the church, I drove to the pharmacy where another prescription was called in by the pain doctor's nurse--a new chemical that is supposed to help with intestinal issue.  I stood in line a long time--lovely conversation with a woman, also waiting--and learned from the pharmacist that this medication is even more costly for half the amount of pills than the previous prescription!  I was drawn to some Evening Primrose Oil on the store shelf; the price was minimal.  When I returned to the hermitage, I Googled this herbal; yes, it is supposed to be helpful to intestinal issues.  Worth a try, isn't it?

A phone call from text from a "loved soul" today.  I had texted back that her husband's Epiphany birthday is quite special and with graces for him.  Later I received a call.  Two questions:  one is what do I mean that Epiphany birthday is special, and what exactly is Epiphany; and also, why is it some people live so long, and suffer for a couple years or more before they die in drawn out deaths of the very elderly.  I was pleased to discuss these questions and topics.  I pray the answers were helpful and of the Holy Spirit's inspiration.  The caller seemed interested, intrigued, and satisfied.  We are all in this life together--in soul school to learn what it is we are to learn, and to love, to learn to love.

It's glorious to be "shriven"!  And the enlightenment on "loves" and God's love for us, and our love of God in Himself and thus in His love, to love all souls--breakthrough for this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Two Scriptures, the Living Word, Today's Mass: Epiphany!

Two Scriptures leapt into the mind and heart today.  Upon waking, read the daily Mass Scriptures.  St. Paul in Ephesians and St. John in the Gospel.

St. Paul gives the lovely exhortation that Bl. Elizabeth of the Trinity took as her motto, as her battle cry through the end of her young life.  Excerpt from Ephesians 1:  "...set our hope in Christ that we might live for the praise of His glory."

What St. John wrote in the Gospel of John 1 is pertinent to the on-going acceptance of this nothing's path and calling.  "...and His own did not accept Him."

We must keep a sense of humor mixed in with the anguish of the world and all of us trying to exist in varying degrees of awareness of ourselves, and of our purpose for existence.  And yet for those of us who desire something other, and are aware of His Real Presence, we must keep our sights on Christ, on His life and also on His death, hanging on the cross, and then His resurrection.  

Oddly enough, the verse of the rock singer Ricky Nelson floated into the mind yesterday.  "Garden Party":  You can't please everybody so you've got to please yourself.  The truth of matters is that we won't be able to please other people, nor they us, not deep down in, nor all the time, for we are inadequate of ourselves and increasingly pathetic when given over to the world.  The reality and truth is, in order to endure with our fellow man, and more intimately, with our family and friends:  We've got to please God.

Yes, we've got to please God. 

And that takes prayer and praising and striving and loving and depending upon, upon His graces that we might be lights, be epiphanies of the praise of His glory.  Like the wise men and women who sought and seek and found and find His Real Presence (Father God of all, Jesus Christ His Son, and the Holy Spirit, the Comforter and Paraclete), we, too, must be wise in who and what we seek and find, that we might live for the praise of His glory.

Yes, we try to meet people where they are and show interest in their interests.  But as His Real Presence makes His Abode in us, and us in Him, we do become refractors of His Light.  No amount of masking can or should blot that Light.

Darkness is not going to ever like Light.  We must remain in His Love and let Him deal with the darkness.  We must set our hope on Jesus Christ-Light, that we might live for the praise of His glory. Our own may not accept us, not even our own in Catholic parishes or Protestant congregations, not among family members at any particular given time.  But some day, yes, we will be accepted into His glory, and our light which is His Light from the Abode He has made in us, will shine like the stars of the universe, and will help others to find the Christ born in the darkness, destined to be a great Light.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Little children, let us love one another for the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit has made His Abode in us, and we are in Him.  Remain in His Love!  Praise Him!  Please Him!