Catholic Hermit: God's Reassurance

Somehow after having unusual relief from heavy duty nerve pain following the Vitamin B injection yesterday, today the bodily pain is all the more heavy.  I'm having trouble managing it; distracting myself through manual labor is not all that successful.  I've found myself back down on my floor bed.

Perhaps it is because yesterday afternoon and evening, the pain level was so drastically altered--nerve pain less than in a very long time, a blessed break--that the comparison to back-to-tough-pain makes the pain seem all the worse.  

I can tell from what the doctor told me would be signals if my body already had enough B vitamin--especially B-12 which is directly correlated with nerve health.  This vitamin is used with success to bring relief for varying degrees of nerve pain.  Temporary, yes, but I have not had any of the signals that my body had enough already.  In fact, my body is deficient, obviously.  This surprises as I've taken two B-complexes daily for several years (ever since a doctor elsewhere told me with the level of pain I carry, I should double the B-complex) plus take an added B-12 capsule and B-6 capsule.

But it is the difficulty managing the burning nerve pain today that has me rather physically ill, nauseous, and not able to diligently unpack boxes or do any intelligent spiritual reading.  I'm absolutely fatigued from pain.  I find myself wishing I could have another B-12 injection today--as I'd like to have the pain-lessening experienced yesterday!  

All I can do is consider in basic, human ways, God.  All i can do is pray and praise in simple ways, and to take temporal stock in details of the beautiful moments of this unfolding day God gives so lovingly and generously.

The temporal pain situation has me considering that perhaps it is best to not have another B-12 injection, for the pain seems all the worse when the benefit wears off.  Perhaps just deal with the reality--well, I've been down this path previously when I'd get some temporary pain relief.  The treatment becomes a distraction and a cost plus then the re-adaptation of mind and body (and emotions) when back to the pain grind.

I hope to find out if there is some point in time in which my body will be saturated with B-12 so that the effects are gone the next day.  Same with the pain doctor planning to try epidural injections into the neck and upper thoracic spine at the next appointment.  He wants to see if that will help relieve some pain.  Worth a try, but all these compassionate attempts to relieve the major pain I suffer, are temporary.

Back to the reality:  Only God Is Forever.

All else is temporary--pain, no pain, life, time, temporal beings and temporal things.

This morning God did give reassurance yet again that He has me where He wants me.  The quite elderly sellers' daughter returned a phone call and message I'd left, hoping the number I found was hers.  The mailman is concerned and sincere in wanting to keep contact with the elderly man who with his wife had this house built 24 years ago.  He is a retired doctor who'd spent the last 25 years of his career as a missionary physician, and from what the mailman tells me, a man of prayer and who the mailman wants his son and daughter-in-law to meet.

So I've been researching and making effort to locate the couple, and that led me to their daughter.  She called this morning, explaining she and her doctor husband have been on a brief vacation.  We talked some, and I explained how I've felt all along that God chose this place for me, and that the house always "felt good" to me--had a peaceful and prayerful ambiance.  

As we talked, she asked if she could tell her dad about how it came about that I found this house, as he'd want to know, along with her mother (although she has had some strokes and not as alert).  I said I'm a person of prayer but would appreciate her parents' prayers as I struggle with pain from a drunk driver accident years ago and am being referred to a surgeon for possible additional surgery.  

She asked the name of my pain doctor and the name of the surgeon to whom I'm being referred.  She said I'm in excellent hands with the former, and exclaimed "BINGO!" with the surgeon, emphasizing that her radiologist husband is familiar with all the surgeons, and this particular one is outstanding.  Turns out, also, that she, too, has her doctorate in orthotics and prosthetics.  

Delightful conversation and laughter, positive interest, prayerful bonds highlight those of us in the Body of Christ!  They have open invitation to come by any time to see the home that was lovingly built, lived in, and well-tended in the last major phase of the couple's life.  The daughter mentioned the wonderful memories made here not only for her parents but for all of them including grandchildren.

When I'm able, hopefully yet today, I will write another note to Alex the mailman, to let him know we've had victory in locating the elderly couple of whom he so admires and does not want to lose contact.  The daughter, close to my age, has given the phone number and name of assisted living facility, with only the suggestion that I prepare Alex that her dad has started to have short term memory loss.  Alex must remind him of their friendship initially, so her dad's memory is jogged.

God reassures us in small events and encounters, in the details, of every day life.  Alex will be reassured, the elderly couple will be reassured, the daughter is reassured, and I am marvelously reassured that God did choose this hermitage for me and that the pain doctor and surgeon are excellent and who the doctor daughter and her doctor husband would recommend, themselves, and there her elderly dad, ever a physician, will pray for me.

Hermits and perhaps especially one who is also a spiritual leper, definitely need all the prayers anyone is kind enough to pray!  I never hesitate to ask for prayers, for I so very much need them--such as today to manage the extreme increase in pain compared to the marvelous lessening of some nerve pain I enjoyed yesterday.  Perhaps if I did not have heavier pain today, I'd not have noticed nor appreciated as much if at all, the delights of God's personalized reassurance.

And again, to be aware of God's reassurance is a blessing that lifts the soul beyond the body.  This is true for everyone of us.  God reassures us in visible and tangible ways, within, without, and all about.

Catholic Hermit's Consolation

Been having more severe pain issues lately.  It is difficult to keep going, and the Lord has heard this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit's thoughts.  I've been quite direct.  Why try to fool His Real Presence?  Impossible!  So He knows how hard it is for us to want to live when the suffering becomes most challenging, when the true crosses we are given weigh down upon our mortal frames.

And, or course, at the same time we may be praising God for all things.  Honesty, though, is always the best policy.

So it was that this body dragged its way through a couple of days.  The severe pain continues in the relatively new bodily locale: liver area.  Yes, recent scans show nodules and what an emergency room doctor said was a "splayed and frayed" portion of the upper right quadrant--a portion under the back rib cage and touching the bottom right lung lobe which has a larger nodule.

All is confirmed non-malignant.  The Lord also understands and knows this hermit's disappointment.  On earth, only those who have had death experiences or are mystics, or a couple or so persons who know the hermit for the past many years of suffering, can grasp how this could be for one to be actually eager and excited about the prospects of cancer.

It is not as a means of escaping from something, although that would be a decent enough reason.  Crosses can become excruciating.  Just see an inward glimpse of Jesus Christ being crucified.  He cried out to God with His last breaths.  I suppose it does not even take someone who has had a marvelous death experience or who is a mystic, to have a great desire to pass to the other side, to begin the new life, to be more on the way to heaven without dragging our physical bodies around with us.

Over the weekend I did try to get up and do what I could to make a little progress with the on-going efforts of making this hermitage more livable and ultimately salable.  The neighbor lad, seemingly so sincere about wanting to work with promises of coming on Thursday and able to work Friday and Saturday, never showed up.  I'd placed a call and left a message late Thursday when it was becoming obvious that my "guarded encouragement" that he meant what he said, was turning to reality that he was not reliable.

Ah, the Lord gives and the Lord takes away!  Blessed be the Name of the Lord!

His brother came, evidently hearing the message later on.  We were able to get the bathroom cabinets into the bathroom.  Of course, one is incorrect so Lowe's will be ordering a correct cabinet--the fourth try in getting four cabinets ordered correctly.  I will wait another month or so on that project.  The lad who did come became faint.  This pained hermit walked him home to make sure he did not keel over on the road.  He'd had a couple routine inoculations that morning.  Promised he'd be back on Friday, as well as his brother probably coming.  Did not happen.

It was all right.  This hermit did what possible, and the angel Beth and St. Joseph surely helped.  The trim is now installed and caulking done, and posts wrapped with trim board--the porch nearly completed.

By Saturday afternoon, the thoughts came from within where God's Will has replaced mine.  And I think they were God's Thoughts nudging me to try going to confession and possibly Mass.  Catholic friends and others have suggested otherwise.  Why go through more persecution and hardship?  Why subject myself to that?  (You'd have to search back into older posts for the backlog of events, to understand what had transpired.)

However, I decided to drive the distance, for the liver-muscle-whatever pain had subsided some.  The truck still loaded with mulch, I headed to the parish.  The new priest was hearing confessions.  I decided to remain for Mass; a man and his wife were willing for me to sit with them, for a year ago they were the ones who became alarmed when this hermit (they know not my vocation, of course--am hidden from the eyes of men in that regard!) did not move during Mass.  They would remember and did, for they had called EMS only to find, after Mass, the hermit not near death nor dead but simply has a mystical phenomenon known as an ecstasy, during any Mass.

So it occurred again this time, which is fine.  Lately the reminder has come to my mind (and must be the Lord's Thoughts reminding me) of what Jesus had said four years ago.  He had shown me some parishioners and priests and told me they would criticize and persecute but that I was to not pay attention to them, to not be bothered by them.

The Saturday vigil Mass was marvelous!  Praise God for the new priest who did not at all bastardize the Mass.  There was no horror in the mystical state.  All is well!  In fact, there is something that I remember distinctly from the priest's homily when in a holy Mass, in the deep mystical state, usually nothing is recalled after.  But the Lord wills that I would hear and recall these words from the priest.

"We have to learn to think like God thinks.  And God thinks in terms of love and mercy."

What a consolation to this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit's body, mind, heart and spirit!  I have been so praying for God to replace my mind with His Mind--my thoughts and ideas with His Thoughts and Ideas!  Increasingly, the difference between my mind and His Mind has been painfully revealed, and the dichotomy disturbing.

The answer is simple as far as discerning the difference.  God thinks in terms of love and Mercy.  God's Mind Is Love and Mercy.  All of my thoughts can be sifted out accordingly.  His Thoughts can be discerned based upon love and mercy as key.

I will be returning to Mass, if body able, once a week.  I am joining the parish although I know that as a consecrated Catholic hermit, my interactions will be governed by my rule of life, the Gospel Rule, and the parameters of my eremitic vocation as set forth in the Institutes of the Church, by my vows, and as defined in The Catechism of the Catholic Church.

Prior to Mass, at the end of confession, I mentioned to the new priest that there might be a bit of a mystical state that has been occurring during Mass for going on eight years.  An ecstasy by definition, but that it might not occur as has been awhile since being at a Mass in person.  I also mentioned that I am a consecrated Catholic hermit, privately professed, going on 16 years, and at some point perhaps we might want to talk some.  Yes, I'd like to be helpful with any specific prayers or spiritual needs of his efforts with the parish and my being part of the Body of Christ.

After Mass, yes, people had inquired some of the parish administrator, regarding this person they noticed at Mass.  The parish administrator told me that people were "talking", and some would be judging the situation, judging the hermit without knowing me.  I assured that it would be all right.  We can do all we can to keep others from judging and temptation or occasions of that particular sin, but ultimately, I must keep my eyes on Jesus.  Look at HIM.  And remember what He said over four years ago.  Others will wrongly judge and criticize you, but you are not to pay attention to them, not be bothered by them.

What a loving and merciful consolation the Lord has given me!  And I must approach all as God Thinks, in love and mercy.

Praise His Real Presence!  Little children, let us love God above all things and others as ourselves.  We must love as Jesus loves us, as God Thinks and Is:  Love and Mercy.

A Catholic Hermit's Family

Today, the nothing Catholic hermit's family (daughter, son-in-law, grandson) will drive a distance to this desert exile domicile, and help (or actually do the work) of shifting some boxes and furnishings into the pole barn.  The items in the pole barn need some shifting and re-organizing, first.  

All this is in effort to make more work space in the hermitage, in order for the electrician, a man he knows who does some plumbing, and then in a week or so, Raphael and his men, to come and try to make great gains in getting the hermitage finished and salable.

Although the hermit had visited another family member (daughter, son-in-law, granddaughters), far away, and with financial assistance from the daughter to do so, there is once more not communication with them.  But the nothing Catholic hermit now has a better understanding as to the reason, after having visited them for awhile.  They are extremely busy in their lives, and it is as if those who are present, right there, are communicated with.  When another is out of sight, the responsibilities of their present moments press them into that mode of distance to that which is outside.  It also has some to do with priorities and the amount of work emails and phone calls the daughter deals with in her career, during the week.  On weekends her phone and emails go untended.  

Kind of "out of sight, out of mind" mentality, but am thankful to learn it is not in rancor or malice that calls and emails go unanswered.  When plans were made to visit, in that present moment space of time, there were responses.  It is how it is and to be accepted as such.  Not the ideal in some ways, for family closeness, but the hermit accepts the various personality styles and understands the demands that others must live with in their busy lives.  Hermits, of all persons, try to keep their own lives simplified.

The adult son is a different situation.  He has chosen to remove himself from belief in God.  Quite busy in his career, he, too, does not keep in contact.  In this case of family, there is anger and contentiousness against the hermit.  There are earthly reasons for this, and over the hermit's being duped by the real estate deal here and the ensuing efforts to turn the place around, make it livable, but running out of time and resources to do so. 

For the first time in over a year and a half, the son responded to an email the hermit sent, alerting that it was going to need to try to sell before long and hoping there would be cooperation in signing off documents.  (The son is part of the hermitage mortgage deal, which he desired to be at the time.)  He made the hermit an offer that would have left the hermit penniless in a few years, so of course that had to be declined.  He did not grasp quite what he was proposing, surely.  Rather, the hermit would prefer being helped along month-by-month so that it could continue doing a lot of the manual labor, thus saving high labor costs.  (Remote areas can end up being costly in various ways.  There is usury in any situation some humans can wrangle it in.)

No, His Real Presence did not move the son to desire to help in that way, which is fine.  It only means the door is closing on remaining here.  The hermit must go for broke and do all it can, hire the two trusted workers even if costly--but just and fair in charges--to finish as soon as feasible, and then try to sell the hermitage.  The son, if not sole owner, would like to be disassociated with the endeavor.  That is quite all right.  

Catholic hermits, being Christian and called out of this world, not more into it, understand and flex with whatever His Real Presence brings and allows.  And this one knows also that there are various factors involved, behind the scenes so to speak.  It grasps the clash between this nothing Catholic hermit who is totally devoted to and in love with His Real Presence and the Faith and all therein, and a young man in the full prime of life, successful in the temporal world, who is in a phase of ridiculing Christians and disbelieving of God. Yes, it is but a phase.

The hermit's aunt in a distant place, a nonogenarian, has been most supportive in prayer and encouragement, and has financially assisted the hermit such as in this terrible illness and back when it was thought the hermit could turn the hermitage into a more livable place with the desire to remain here once finished.  The hermit's spiritual director, also, has helped--his in part to make reparation for the dismal actions of a diocese in yet another situation that has been forgiven but was very costly to the hermit, and perhaps unfairly so.  

In these rather personal details of family (and also of financial risks and struggles), the point is always of being open to and heeding God's will.  A hermit must be responsible for its own livelihood and sustenance, as far as the temporal and material aspects of life play out.  It must not hold attachments too much, and be willing to go without when situations unfold even down to abodes.  

It is all a journey, and that includes a hermit's family, for unless one is in a religious order of hermits in which it is understood that one detaches from family and no longer belongs to family in that sense but rather belongs solely to God and in obedience to the religious order, a hermit must be sensitive to the needs of others, such as family sensitivities, and let God do as He wills in the ups and downs that can occur.  Since this hermit is the lone Catholic of its immediate family and the bulk of the extended family, there is not the grasp of a hermit's life that a hermit from a Catholic family would understand.

A hermit must always be grateful and to rise and fall with the waves, and to endure the doldrum and the storm, alike--in love, faith, trust--while always seeking His will, moment by moment.

In this terrible illness of which there is finally some break in the severity and improvement noticed, there is much gratitude for having survived it.  There is gratitude for the way in which His Real Presence has provided much prayer support through the aunt and some other long-time friends, including some very close Catholic friends, and the spiritual director.  

His Real Presence provided the Catholic deputy sheriff [remember, it may only take one angel] who happened to be on duty for five days in the worst of the illness, and who ran some errands that were critical, even though at first he wanted to take the hermit to a hospital.  He quickly understood that the situation warranted faith and trust, and suffering it out but with help from medication and two doctor visits.  The temporal financial aspect did not allow for more expense, and the aspect of this hermit's vocation as victim soul, also did not warrant other than allowing the Beloved to hold His hermit in His Arms.

So, the family members currently are on their way to the hermitage, and this nothing Catholic hermit must rise from bed, empty the chamber pot, and praise and pray and thank God in all situations--including whatever family issues, calm or stormy at any given time, and with holy awareness of the family that is the Body of Christ.  The ones coming today are Christians, and thus the reason for more communication and understanding, even if not agreeable with Catholicism.  Light is light, and love of Christ binds whoever in that light.  We must remember that darkness stands in opposition to the Light.  So we pray for our biological families, and for our family the Body of Christ, and for our family as in the family of man, of the world at large, believers and unbelievers.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Little children, let us love one another!  Remain in His Love, and bless those who do also and those who do not.  May our hands ever be in the open palm position other than when we must grasp hard the cross of Christ Crucified.  Let go all the earthly possessions and situations, and be open to receiving whatever His Real Presence brings, moment by moment.

Hermit Consecration Anniversary

The 29th of December has two-fold meaning for this nothing Catholic hermit.

It is the date of death for Sr. Josefa Menendez, a victim soul who is dear to this hermit's heart and an inspiration in various aspects of suffering.

It is the date of this hermit's vows as a consecrated religious of the eremitic vocation.

Yes, 14 years ago this nothing Catholic hermit, after many months of postulancy and then novitiate, guided by its holy, priestly spiritual director of advanced years, the vows for the hermit life were offered and accepted by His Real Presence but with the venerable priest as witness and celebrant of a most beautiful, intimate, and private ceremony.

Each year, the nothing Catholic hermit repeats the vows, and in past did so before a Tabernacle in a church, with a priest present. But the past two years, the vows have been repeated within, deeply within, in wordless praise, prayer, and acceptance of the eremitic life that His Real Presence has increasingly guided into experiences of faith and spiritual growth, beyond what the hermit would have ever anticipated.

Somehow, the increased simplicity and the adjoining increased faith in the loving purity of His Real Presence's rich and viable interaction in this soul's temporal and spiritual existence, has precluded the previous years of thinking too much, of trying to figure out and do, and be concerned if it was a hermit as a hermit ought to be, by whoever's standards, such as those hermits before or what others now think hermits are to be or act or appear in this or that way.

His Real Presence guides with a precision that does not require the mind to seek out what it or others may think or dictate.  His Real Presence carries the hermit in His Heart--the heart of the Father for His child, the heart of the Son for His bride, the heart of the Spirit for His wee one's soul.

The consecration of this nothing Catholic hermit in religious life flows throughout all avenues of His Real Presence, of His Head and of His Body, and of His Sacred and Mystical Heart.  He knows.  He consecrates.  He accepts.  He loves.

Who knows where He will guide and lead henceforth?  The nothing Catholic hermit awaits and adores, prays and praises (and suffers physically).

God bless His Real Presence!

Where Is the Freedom and the Joy?

How appropriate for this blog post is today's Scripture from 1 Corinthians 12:12-21!~

 "For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ. For in the one Spirit we were all baptized into one body—Jews or Greeks, slaves or free—and we were all made to drink of one Spirit.
  
"Indeed, the body does not consist of one member but of many. If the foot were to say, ‘Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body’, that would not make it any less a part of the body. And if the ear were to say, ‘Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body’, that would not make it any less a part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would the hearing be? If the whole body were hearing, where would the sense of smell be? But as it is, God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose. If all were a single member, where would the body be? As it is, there are many members, yet one body. The eye cannot say to the hand, ‘I have no need of you’, nor again the head to the feet, ‘I have no need of you.’ On the contrary, the members of the body that seem to be weaker are indispens- able, and those members of the body that we think less honourable we clothe with greater honour, and our less respectable members are treated with greater respect; whereas our more respectable members do not need this. But God has so arranged the body, giving the greater honour to the inferior member, that there may be no dissension within the body, but the members may have the same care for one another. If one member suffers, all suffer together with it; if one member is honoured, all rejoice together with it.
  
"Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it. And God has appointed in the church first apostles, second prophets, third teachers; then deeds of power, then gifts of healing, forms of assistance, forms of leadership, various kinds of tongues. Are all apostles? Are all prophets? Are all teachers? Do all work miracles? Do all possess gifts of healing? Do all speak in tongues? Do all interpret? But strive for the greater gifts. And I will show you a still more excellent way,"

 

Where is the freedom and the joy?  What is the still more excellent way?  What are the greater gifts for which we are to strive?

Where is the freedom and the joy? was a question recently asked of a dear friend.  She had admitted that she and her husband (both elderly and life-long Catholics) had been shunned and treated coldly, and their son and his wife mistreated, in their town's two parishes.  She assumed it was due to their having moved there (now years ago) from another state.  Outsiders, she said. 

The situation came to a point in which she had more upset being among the other parishioners than good for the soul.  She and her husband have not been back.  But she said when they visit their adult daughters who live in different cities, they are welcomed and find parishes with healthy and vibrant priests and parishioners who are loving and charitable.  She also commented that she and her husband now pray together and have devotions more than they ever had, together, daily.

She repeated how horribly this "nothing" had been treated in those same two parishes in the hometown.  But as a convert, it seemed more reasonable (if that is the correct word to explain lack of charity) that parishioners would react negatively to someone new in their midst.  "Nothing" was and yet is horrified that this deeply Christian, warm and loving older woman was put through the grinder. 

Man's inhumanity to man is alive and thriving within the Church.

However, the woman is heartened by the fact that she and her husband can attend Mass in loving parishes with active and focused priests, when they visit their daughters.  And she recalls the parish and priest where they lived prior to moving to the new location 20 or more years ago.  This woman always repeats, when we talk on occasion, that "nothing" was the only person who approached her and spoke and included in a couple of outreach ministries that "nothing" was inspired by the Lord to develop.  Ah, yes, those little efforts were met with eventual ousting.  This woman commented how vicious in particular, was one of the priests toward "nothing."  She said she always felt the people's issues had to do with their envy.  Not sure of that, personally, but this was her assessment.

So it goes.  And the wondrous aspect of it all, is that this woman is touched.  She has always stood out as charitable and spiritual, as warm and especially anointed, spiritually.  Surely this is part of why the fearful ones have reacted negatively.  It is difficult for people of a certain mindset and way of being, to accept the occasional "feathers on the breath of God" who sometimes float into their midst.

In the history of the Church, such people are dotted through the centuries and through the parishes and monasteries.  Names come to mind, one after another, of those who were called to something more and in different ways.  As the old spiritual father used to tell "nothing", it is as if the farmer has put a marker on one of the chicks, and the others do all they can to peck it to death because they sense it is "different."

However, this aspect of humanity sensing and fearing what is different or "touched", can sometimes unfold in positive ways.  Consider Joseph whose brothers were envious and found him to be the dreamer and different. They sold him into slavery.  In a different location and in different circumstances, Joseph was desirable and useful to the Pharoah.  It all worked out for good and in God's will and ultimate purposes.  Joseph had a certain vocation.

And that leads to the current situation of discerning God's will in "nothing's" continued seeking to fit in to parishes in a viable and giving way.  Just is not going to unfold, and this was foretold many years ago when in the first parish.  In a dream, nothing was desperately trying to catch up with, to join in, the parishioners who were off in the distance, entering a "plane".  Nothing tried in vain to reach them, but exhaustion, pain, and eventually getting stuck in mud resulted in a collapse on the edge of a beautiful expanse of green meadow.  Off in the distance could be seen the parishioners as a large and cohesive group, boarding the plane, and "nothing" had not a chance left to reach them.

Three ancient-looking desert fathers came along, drifting more than walking, across the lush, green grass in the meadow, not far from where "nothing" knelt, mud-covered and depleted from fruitless efforts in joining the parishioners.  The three men, dressed in flowing, off-white tunics, their long, white beards flowing also, rather windswept but all about only stillness, pointed and spoke.

They turned their heads back toward the distant plane with the parishioners boarding it, and they said, "You do not belong with them.  You are to remain here with us, and we will teach you."

This same message was given several years later, again in a dream, in which Mary and Martha beckoned "nothing" to enter a room which mystically appeared off a corridor of a school building.  It was a room that was not visible to others, in general.  They spoke, also.  "Stay here with us, and we will teach you."  (It was rather amazing to note that both Mary and Martha were contemplatives, which makes sense, because both are now on the other side, in heaven, and there is no "being busy or concerned about many things" in heaven.  We will all be contemplatives then and there.)

Regarding the conversation the other day with the parish employee, and reflecting upon previous reactions of wariness to what "nothing" would offer to assist or do, it is not so much a matter of priests and parishioners being fearful and wary of someone who they perceive as different, or to topics that are beyond the more safely temporal topics, including more basic books being read for discussion groups, or more secular programs--all safe and accommodating to the common denominator.  Perhaps that is the best for parishes in some ways, at least safe and not going to rock any boats or stir coals.  It suits the desires, perhaps, of the general populace of Catholics.

What is significant is to grasp when one does not fit into such a scenario.  It simply means one fits into some other scenario.  And in the night, when reminded of the three desert fathers, and reminded of Mary and Martha, and also of a visit from an earthly dad after he was on the other side but came to give three messages, the messages of each and all were the same content.  "You don't belong in that world, with the others.  You belong in a different setting.

This is all about the eremitic vocation, the hermit existence, whether termed hermit or something other, such as St. Joseph LaBre called himself a wandering pilgrim.  In essence and substance, he was a hermit who wandered until he settled in Rome and lived as a homeless man, yet a very religious and spiritual homeless man.  He lived as Jesus lived, no pillow for his head nor place to call "home."

Not all hermits (in fact, probably not many) have interactive lives with parishes.  Those who do, well and good.  It must be God's will for the unfolding of their vocations. But for most hermits and also for mystics, historically and realistically, they were not embraced by nor accepted in parishes. They just don't belong to "that world."  They don't fit in, and there are many reasons for it, and good reasons.

It is not a negative--nothing to berate the parishioners or priests for being unyielding.  It is a positive for the person who does not fit neatly into that paradigm or structure.  Jesus certainly did not fit into the temple world of His days on earth.  Yet others did fit, and that is positive and good.

Yes, it has to do with vocation, and what is God's will and purpose and the means and ways of how He wishes a soul in a person on this earth to grow and bloom.

We will each and all be utilized spiritually if we desire to please God, to be in His will, and to love God and others as He loves us.

As for "nothing" and parishes, or for any of those who did not fit in, they were always utilized by God for His good purposes.  There is nothing wrong about parish employees and priests being wary or in having set ways of wanting things to be.  Much of that has to do with leadership and management styles. Much has to do with individual temperaments and personalities, and a lot has to do with faith and risk-taking, and also what the person in charge of others experiences in his or her own spiritual lives.  It has a lot to do with comfort zones and comfort levels.  None of this is wrong or bad.

But for those who are floaters, not dockers, who are more like "feathers on the breath of God" than stones set in concrete for a lovely mosaic, the former belong to the freedom and joy of His Real Presence's stairway to heaven than in any active aspect of a parish setting.

Up high, painting the shingle siding, tediously brushing in between each crevice between shingles, so much gets worked out in reasonable fashion, with the Holy Spirit.  All makes sense, and no one person or way is better or worse than another.  They are just different, with different purposes and different ways of being and different outcomes.

There is freedom and joy in different settings and circumstances.  The hermit life allows for variation and depth of spiritual seeking, and in spiritual finding.  There is freedom and joy in this vocation, and God knows what He is doing when He calls a relatively few to the hermit life.  Yet the relatively few who have this vocation regardless of designation in church terms, understand the necessary discernment regarding parishes and parish life, and whether or not his or her hermit vocation has much or little or no active or visible involvement.

In this "nothing" Catholic hermit's current unfolding, there is to be no active or visible involvement in parishes.  All the utilization will be done in a hidden, spiritual and prayerful existence.  This is Patmos, after all, and for whatever time or for the rest of "nothing's" earthly time, the "parish" will be with the three desert fathers, or with Mary and Martha, or not of that world, but of this other world in which the freedom and joy is unmistakable.

Mystically, of course, and in essence, there is a parish connection, very much so.  We are all connected as souls in the Body of Christ:  through, with and in Him.  This is where there is freedom, joy, and the peace that passes all understanding and is Christ's peace bequeathed upon us.

God bless His Real Presence in all of us!  Little children, let us love one another, for God Is Love!

Be An Immolation in the Mass

My spiritual father was quite ill but improving, thankfully so.  We spoke on the phone yesterday, and I reported my daily Mass experiences in the more local parish.  He had advised me to go there, give it a try, despite being told a year ago by the priest there that I was not allowed to attend daily Mass--only Saturday evening and in the cry room, at that.

Friday's Mass, commemorating the Assumption of Mary, was in the main church with more people than the eight or so who go to the daily Mass.  What has become the usual reaction by people came to fruition.  Some anger with those assuming I was rudely sleeping with the kneeler slammed from behind into the pew, people after Mass avoiding eye contact or pleasantry.

The woman I met the day before spoke, however, saying she noticed that I seemed not aware from the beginning of the Scripture reading through the end.  She said, "You missed the whole Mass!  You weren't aware of any of it!"  I quietly responded that I was very deeply aware, more than could be described.  "I am subsumed into the Mass."  She then said, "But you did not receive the Eucharist!"  I replied that I receive at a very deep level, in a dimension beyond the temporal."  I added that I thought she had the capacity to grasp this, and she said she did.

Still, she kept asking, "So I don't need to worry about you, then?  I can stop worrying?"

I told my spiritual father that it is becoming repetitively sad that we Catholics seem unable to leave off with the assumptions, the judging, the doubting, the fear of what is but an unobtrusive, quiet, stilled experience of the numinous during Mass, albeit not usual but also not unheard of.  I felt sorry that the woman took upon herself to "worry."  Worry about what?  That my soul was in peril?  That I was not aware based upon her assumptions?  That I did not receive His Real Presence tangibly?

She represents us all, I suppose, when we are so in tune with the temporal and external appearances.  But my spiritual father said it is at and in the Mass that we all ought to be immolated.  I had told him that this is my immolation, being at Mass yet under the scrutiny, fear, doubt and judgment of others over what does not neatly fit neatly into the temporal view.

I admit to having awakened this morning, thoroughly sickened to the core with realizing how easy it is for us to fall into making assumptions and being too caught up in temporal views and entangling judgments.  The experiences I am gaining are teaching me in ways nothing other could supersede as a good lesson in seeking the spiritual view of love and mercy and of not succumbing to infertile ground. (Nothing grows there.)

In but four daily Masses, there is consternation among them.  I did approach an older woman to say hello and ascertain if she is the other woman who the man (of the Potato Novena family) told me seemed to be a thoughtful woman.  Evidently she did not recognize me in glasses, for she immediately asked, "Who IS this woman who is coming here now?  Is she a PARISHIONER?"  I realized her confusion, and said perhaps this woman she noticed is or will be....

This is His will to which I am called:  Be an immolation.  I have assurance within, during Mass. that His Real Presence is conforming my body, mind, heart and soul to Him as well as utilizing me in mystical ways for whatever He wills within me and within others.  I am to be an immolation and in that, also, a conduit of His love and mercy.

I stand corrected in many aspects, and fear must be transformed to its flip side:  Faith.

There is no need to be driving longer distances to attend Mass where the parish may be more in tune with good and holy activities of education and outreach, where the priest may be more plugged into his vocation.  The people's reactions have not proven to be any better.

That and this is for all of us.  I realize that each person, each body, each heart, mind and soul present at and in Mass, is an agent of change and fuller realization of all the Sacraments, including His Living Word, evident in temporal and mystical actualization.  We are called from the limitations of the temporal and move toward the mystical, the supernal spiritual--as the priest ought stand at the portal, pointing to and leading us into the Promised Land. 

The instruction to "Be an immolation" requires only that, and very much simply of "being."  I am present in the Mass, very much among and deeply within the Body of Christ in silence and prayerful union of conformity through, with and in the life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. 

Little children, let us love one another.  Love Is of God.  God bless His Real Presence in us!

What Kind of a House?

 I had another phone conversation with my spiritual Father.  I reminded him that the last time we spoke, he asked with some exasperated emotion, "What kind of a house did you buy, anyway?"  He has been concerned about the living conditions, and he well knows how the outer aspects covered over much that was wrong with this poor, old farmhouse.  Plus, he understands how people can deceive out in the big world.

But I had an answer for him.  I had asked His Real Presence the same question my spiritual Father had asked me.  Immediately came the response:  You have bought the Church.

This caused me to smile, but I also suggested that this house is also my soul.

Yes, I am finding out all kinds of things that need repair or that others did not do correctly, not to the laws of building codes, not to contractor licensing laws, infested with critters doing what is instinctual, not insulated against the weather, and with messes at every level.  There have been people in here not to be trusted, some immoral users and takers, and also, now, a good soul with his workers.  I've had to give in and ask back one who started out with good effort but slacked some.  He brings too much of the world in here, but I will guard against such and keep praying for his good.

However, the foundation is now good, and the structure is intact.  Yes, it is just that once I started to do some cosmetic repair, I discovered aspects under the surface that needed to be rid out, corrected, improved, or rebuilt.

My spiritual Father laughed and said, "Yes, that is it!  It is kind of like St. Francis rebuilding the Church, of sorts."  And I reminded him this house also represents my soul--not just the Church.

So we discussed the points expressed above, and I have my work cut out for me regarding my soul and the Church, in all that I do to try to "make all things new" in Christ in here.  It is all a marvelous but accurate metaphor.  This house represents a conglomeration of all of us in the Church, for it is people who reflect by thought, word and deed, and sometimes the reflection is too much of the world and our sins rather than of His Real Presence Who Is in us.

We just forget, I suppose, or have not yet had that nuptial kiss of God.  Once we experience the reality of His Real Presence and that we are in Him and He is in us, the picture grows clearer, brighter, lighter, more faithful, hopeful and charitable.

Yes, I have bought the Church, essentially, and such as today, my own temporal body has too much pain to be able to do much tangibly to hang drywall.  I need to either figure out some kind of brace to help hold pieces of wallboard in position on a wall so that I can secure with screws, or to pray that Francesco or Raphael might stop by and lend physical  hand, briefly.  I have all the pieces measured and ca ut.  I have noted some causes and news out in the world for which to pray and continue with my usual, inner conversation as as well as the absence of other than resting in His Real Presence.  There is much suffering but also much holy hope.

I have planted some scented, colorful perennials to beautify  and honor Te Deum:  You, God.  I watered the blueberry patch and pray they grow and develop in order to yield good fruit.  Once the afternoon heat abates and the back is rested, I will attempt pre-drilling so that a critical support partial wall, holding the ceiling joists, can be secured by 6" screws.  A worker last fall neglected that necessary detail.  I also will shoot nails into the opposite ceiling joists, as he neglected to nail those, too.  They are resting on the header plate of an exterior wall.

So, we see how to make the metaphor extend from this house to God's house to the Body of Christ, His Church, of which we are Her members.  I suppose the hiring of the worker who neglected to do some of his job relates with the local priest who avoids much to do with pastoral and spiritual involvement.  I suppose my own neglect at times of His Real Presence in me--whether it be when frustrated or feeling despair, or in spiritual or temporal acedia--finds its equivalent in the metaphor.

This is the house, and I am in it, and you are in it; and all within and without are affected for good or ill.  It is a temporal place yet also a spiritual place.  It represents all aspects of God's creation; it contains the hindrance of all manner and levels of sin.  It also has hope and faith and love of that which is seen and unseen, of God and of God-in-others.  It is His Church and we are the Body--somehow, someday to be made whole and perfect, subsumed and in union with all facets of His Real Presence.

I am here, and I am in the process of making all things new through, with and in His Real Presence.   This house and my soul, the Church and all souls, are purposeful realities in temporal and mystical connectedness.  This house is God's, yours, mine.  We remain in His love, and His Real Presence makes His abode in us.