Hermit's Lent Never Dull: Sharp & Painful!

Merciful Heavens!  Allowing God to have full reign in all plans for Lent brings forth the unexpected each day, each hour, each moment.

It has become scorchingly painful for this Nothing Consecrated, Catholic Hermit!  [Am capitalizing each of the previous four words because each has emphasis and totality of meaning, thought, truth that can stand alone.]

It has been so painful that I have not written for awhile.  I have not been able to call the handful of contacts; emotions have been excoriating.  Physical pain has been burning and exhausting.

"The Lord gives, the Lord takes away.  Blessed be the Name of the Lord!"  These words attributed to the prophet Job, with their obvious meaning, I have uttered aloud repeatedly in the silence of solitude in Te Deum Hermitage. And there have been times of great grieving, of sobbing, of calling out to His Real Presence the sorrows of leave-taking and the (faithless) pressure of total unknowns going forward.

He is pruning my branches in ways I had considered in advance; but the pain of adapting and adjusting to the immediate, effective pruning has leveled me as much as physical pain can also reduce.

The son-in-law got a job elsewhere.  He, his wife, their young son will be leaving in two weeks.  The details of the job offer are such that it is more than obvious the Lord has blessed them mightily; and the son-in-law did need a job after four months of his being let go from previous employment.  In that I am praising God for the good fortune and His making clear the path for their move.

However, before this hermit agreed three years ago to move to live closer to them, the conversation took place: What happens if he gets another job?  With giving up so much from whence I came, going to a place where I knew no one and would have increased risks, I felt I needed an answer.  With my health as it is I said I could not follow them around the country; but my vulnerability, also, health-wise, makes it best that I have some contact, some support system. (Or thus, at the time, we agreed.)

The daughter assured they would remain in this area, would apply for jobs in this area.  They had lived here a year and loved it...then.  But things change, and what the Psalmist advises is so very, very true even if our hearts and minds want to think that those closest to us will not renege on promises made. 

 "Trust not in princes, trust not in men; trust only in the Lord Thy God." 

So it has come to pass that they wanted to leave the area after nearly four years, and the bulk of job applications were elsewhere.  When a finger-count of interviews were in this area, the complaint arose from the daughter, "Why is he even applying here when we want to move away?"

Regardless of all the tangibles and temporal aspects, there is NO way that I cannot view the timing, their house selling and closing, the generous conditions of the job offer--as anything less than the blessing of Divine Will.

And that leaves this Nothing Consecrated Catholic Hermit more stripped than ever in its life.  Ever.  And, in the mail came three enveloping disappointments of financial, further demise.  It nearly is too much to bear.  Nearly.

I have no idea how I will fare.  I have been trying to continue on with working on this hermitage, hoping to get it salable before I totally run out of funds or the body gives out.  There is no one I can turn to in the human race.  The bodily pain levels preclude outside employment.  I'm fortunate to be able to do an hour or two or three here and there--but not when the weather shifts, causing worse pain.

I turn to His Living Word.  This morning's first Mass reading from Isaiah offers these truths--impactful, powerful, hopeful, intriguing:

"Remember not the events of the past,
the things of long ago consider not,
see, I am doing something new!
Now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?"

I turn to His Real Presence, the Virgin Mary, my angel Beth, those who love me from the other side.  There is no one else, no place, no remedy of the temporal or tangible, that I know of.  

This afternoon while trying to drywall mud a slanted ceiling, a sloppy glop of mud fell into an opened right eye.  The blinding PAIN!  The painful BURNING!  Tears helped some. By the grace of God I remembered a bottle of water within reach, for the only other water source was down the ladder and into the kitchen (no stairs, yet).   The eye will heal, the effects of drywall mud will wash out over time.  Already I can see a blurry view from it, thankfully so.

It reminds me of Jesus our Lord mixing His spittle with dirt and dabbing it onto the blind man's eyes.  Is He doing likewise with me?  Will I henceforth see more clearly the path ahead, the outer and inner, my soul and the souls of others, His Divine Will, God's Face?

The electrical power here was out for several hours.  But thanks be to God, it has returned before darkness and night's dropping temps.  This is a hermit's desert life: the silence of solitude, the sacrifice of praise amidst a plenitude of penance.  

Lent is progressing for this hermit who definitely did not need to write out any self-conjured plans ahead of time.  There is more than enough present moment penance.  God procures the best and perfect shake-down and take-down, dust to dust, ashes to ashes!

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Little children, let us love God above all things and one another as our selves. God bless Lent!

Catholic Hermit's Plan for Lent

On the eve of Ash Wednesday ("Shrove Tuesday") a spiritual friend from the past called.  The phone calls are rare here at Te Deum Hermitage, but this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit is close in touch within His Real Presence, as are the various spiritual friends dotted around this country and abroad.

The friend who happens to be wintering in warm climate mentioned finding a marvelous priest who said to write down a plan for Lent.  Write out what are to be the penances, the spiritual goals, the aspects of dying to self daily, during Lent.  She thought this would be something the hermit might do, as well.

Oh.

While an idea, yes it is, unfortunately (or fortunately) St. Hildegard of Bingen has already befriended me in a soul-filled way and is giving marvelous thoughts and ideas during Lent.  So no, I will not be writing out a plan of any sort other than, I suppose (as I mentioned to my earthly spiritual friend), mentally thinking the plan is whatever His Real Presence desires moment by moment.

So Ash Wednesday brought reflections on the Gospel reading of Mass the day before, and I wrote those reflections.  The evening brought a phone conversation with the spiritual father, so many miles away.  Did he think out or write out a plan for Lent?  

No.  But he was, in that present moment before we spoke, perusing flower bulb catalogs and making plans for what dahlias might grace the monastery gardens in a few short months. He said Lent will bring what the Lord wills, and then Easter will come, and in between now and then will be many surprises.  God provides!

I mentioned to my spiritual father that the days come and go in much silence and solitude, prayerfully and peacefully (even though I had to persevere with the cabinet conundrum), and that last week I realized I had not actually used my voice for three or four days!  And it was all right! It was even good!  He laughed and said, "Well, you're a hermit--that is why! The Lord is making you into a real and very good hermit now!"

Of course, there is more to it than that, but he made his point.  There has been growth since coming to this desert, in exile, and in hardship and strife of many types, levels, layers, and dimensions--spiritually and temporally.

Today when at Lowe's, Ruthie in the electric department shared that she'd been very ill the past week.  She suffered edema and also sleep apnea, with her oxygen level so low her physician said she had some brain damage.  She struggled with some memory, and it took us a bit of effort for each of us to figure out the bathroom lighting issues--which fixture globes were of the thin variety and which had thicker glass that will not so easily break.

She confided she nearly lost her job when she was out ill, for she had missed those days of work as well as other days, called out to do civic duty in a jury.  I reminded her to think positively, and that we would pray that there is no lasting damage to her brain.  Help is on the way with better sleep apnea equipment, thankfully.

Ruthie agreed to the positive outlook, for she said it is like the powers of darkness to try to upset her all the more and work against her when she is not feeling well.  True, and I reminded her when I gave her a big hug near the cabinet department (my next stop), that it is Lent, after all!  The Lord gave her quite an unexpected health cross to bear on Ash Wednesday.  Thanks be to God, she is back at work!

So this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit's plan for Lent is to allow His Real Presence to present His personalized plan for me in every present moment.  Rather than gloom and heavy thinking about what to do for Lent, there is an aspect of eagerness and joyful expectation as to what the Lord will unfold each day and night, hourly, by the minute--however He desires!  

First thing this morning was a call from the young woman with whom I am reading about Hildegard of Bingen's visions (and life).  She has a domestic issue that is rather immense and important in the status of her husband's work and her desire to move.  She has tried to love where they have lived for 7 years now, and it is going to take courage and resolve to ask him to sacrifice for her now, and secure a job transfer.

So we talked it through, and we are praying, and this put-off for years decision is what the Lord has brought the couple for Lent.  Time to make a decision for the wife's well-being and the children's schooling and activities.

Each moment, really--each thought, each contact when on a couple errands today--is whatever present moment Lenten lesson with which the Lord surprises me.  There are the struggles, for sure--present moment ones.  

The bathroom caulk I put in the corners of the tiled shower (silicone "gives" so better for corners than grout) is extra gummy.  One of Rusty's parting pieces of advice was to use painter tape on either side of where I am caulking to create a clean line.  But I did not heed that advice--not realizing just how gummy is bathroom caulk compared to easily wiped off trim caulk.

Tomorrow's daylight Lenten task is going to be to tediously use a razor blade to clean off the caulk residue--even from the little edges of grout lines where it oozed over.  So humbling to have not heeded what advice I was given by a man who knew from experience.

Ah, Lent.  This momentary, personalized, Lenten unfolding by His Real Presence is far better than any conceived, considered, spoken, or written plan that this hermit could have ever devised.

Cheers to Lent--suffering included!

Catholic Hermit Still Wants to Share

Yes, I still want to write about the insight on sleep of a couple or more weeks ago.  And there is the post I wanted to write last evening regarding a daily-life miracle that is powerful reminder of the Lord's constant watching over us.

As mentioned yesterday, shimming and setting and installing the bathroom base cabinets took much effort.  While using the power drill to cut 2 1/2" holes with a hole bit, the drill jammed at one point and whipped back the right thumb, giving it a hard yank and twist.

Then I had to deal with a cabinet drawer that is faulty--and that involved contacting the cabinet employee to light more fire under the rest of the cabinet issues yet to be resolved.  At least it seems there might be progress, and it has been determined best to not involve the cabinet representative because we've wasted a full year with his excuses.

Somehow, though, there is personal progress, for this nothing consecrated Catholic hermit had a steadiness and calm in making the phone call.  And this despite the reality of the consequence that if we don't get these issues resolved in a more timely manner than the year gone by:  remove the cabinets and return them for refund. Start over with a different manufacturer. 

Time belongs to God, and although myself and others have spent a lot of time installing all the cabinets in this hermitage, sometimes one must lay out the ultimate consequences when justice is not rendered.  Even hermits in our times have to deal with the temporal world; we pay for most goods and services, and we must hold ourselves and others accountable to just standards.

I don't think it will come to pass that I need to return cabinets, but I will if no proper resolution comes to pass on the visible issues that can be corrected, but not by me--or at least not easily.  I am no cabinet specialist, although I have learned how to install them.  But dealing with intricate hardware runners or needing to cut a drawer opening larger, I will leave to the professional cabinet makers.

Then I woke up with extreme pain in the low back.  Too much cabinet wrangling yesterday, getting them into position, shimming under them, lifting up enough to scoot onto shims--something irked the titanium rods which in turn irritated the many nerves that entwine spines.  

The thumb is so painful that holding a tooth brush caused chills from sharp pain.  Ah, a friend had sent a wrist brace as the left wrist has an old ligament injury.  This hermit wears the brace when that flares; and today it was flipped upside down to wear on the right wrist, as bands tighten somewhat around the area of the thumb that is so wrenched and painful.

Writing is not the easiest, but the thumb is not moving much at all.

So, praying occurs more "formally" on days like this when progress could have been made on mixing some Thinset mortar and spreading a thin layer on the bathroom floor, and cutting the Hardie-backer 1/4" cement board that goes over the plywood sub-flooring.  But tools in the right hand will exacerbate the thumb sprain, and the back is not fit to be much off this mattress--and not to lift cement board.

As far as "formal praying" goes, this hermit does not mean verbal or mental prayers.  No, what is meant is more prayer of stillness and of much suffering.  There is the praying of thoughts that are barely thoughts, for suffering becomes the message and messenger.  Suffering can be quite formal in a certain sense.  And the prayer when suffering is indeed a formal-ity that is meaningful.

Just about all else is swept from the present moment when heightened pain comes to visit, unexpected and unannounced.  One has to adapt to a shift from activity and distraction to what the Lord has in Mind within the pulsating pain that becomes an offering of love and prayer.  So that is what is formal prayer--a form of prayer that the Lord graces by means of unexpected circumstances that come with suffering.

Like many of us who are aware of and compassionating with the victims and families of the recent terrorist attacks, our prayers do matter despite what some in the media suggested otherwise.  Yes, "doing" is very important; action in emergencies can take precedence over the seeming inaction of prayer.  Yet not all of us can take action to effect circumstances physically, or at least not always.  

So we pray, and suffering-enhanced prayer indeed is a gift from God that is to be offered on behalf of Christ's suffering-enhanced prayer on the cross.  In the stillness and silence of serious suffering, all else is set aside in the present moment.  We suffer and love and pray.

God bless His Real Presence in us, little children, as we love one another and love God above all things.

Hermit and Helper Fixing the Porch

The hermit and helper are in process of fixing and finishing the front porch.  This morning we worked patiently at shimming up the side porch to coincide with the front porch, already completed by Raphael and his workers, last summer.  The side porch had to be put "on hold" so that the hermit could frame in five more windows.

So we tediously used cedar shims and got it all level one direction on the floor joists, and width-wise level, as well.  Tomorrow morning, God willing and bodies able, we will set some posts as the porch is being widened to make it more utilizable.

And utilizable is just what this consecrated Catholic hermit, in its nothingness before God, so desires to be.  Utilized by His Real Presence:  this is the hope, offered in faith and much love.

The details matter, and this hermit is trying to pay attention to the details of its soul and life.  It is striving to listen to His Real Presence and to observe and "read" the details of messages that come to us in our everyday lives as well as in the night.  (Even at night, my heart consults me," sings the Psalmist.)

So yesterday when at the bank (which is quite a trek for the hermit who rarely leaves the hermitage) it asked the kindly teller to please call Raphael's phone number.  This would assure that Raphael would return the call.  And he did, and this time he was yet more ashamed for not returning the hermit's previous calls a couple months ago.

Raphael stopped by a bit ago.  He started to get into the reason he had fallen off his otherwise wonderful character and goodness as a man and a Catholic, at that.  He felt very bad about his worker who did not do the job the hermit needed doing, accurately.  (Pride can get to us more than much else.) 

Stairs must be measured carefully; steps cannot be off an eighth of an inch.  That eighth of an inch grows then, so that by the top step, the stairs' "run" is two or three inches too long, and the treads and risers just keep getting more and more "off".  The mind instinctively sets itself to the rise and tread of a step, and it is quite dangerous to not have them all the same.  That's what can cause falls. That is why there are strict codes on stair treads and risers, as well as distance from doors.

It is like our spiritual lives, our souls, our thoughts, our actions.  Just a little off, and the next "step" in life is thrown off, as well.  In not too long a space of time, we find ourselves stumbling or outright falling.

Anyway, the hermit emphasized to Raphael that the past is over, and that the hermit paid the worker.  This hermit's goal is present moment and making progress, but also doing things as best possible.  So it bought more lumber and measured accurately, and cut, and the stringer boards are all set to be hung properly, with metal brackets that are code.  No hard feelings, and the work done by the worker has nothing to do with his being a good person or wonderful man.  Stairs are very tricky.  Craig and others at the lumberyard assures that seasoned contractors come back for more wood when building stairs!

And that was the lesson for the helper and hermit this morning, while shimming the porch floor joists.  At first we laid out the shims carefully, leveling as we went, on top of the larger 2x2" boards that were running the length of the joists. (There was a lot to raise up on this side of the porch.)  Then we realized it would be better to have the small shims underneath the 2x2" pieces.  

So we removed the 2x2's, and we put the smaller shims on top of the floor joists; then we put the 2x2's on top of them, sandwich style.  Then we used exterior, thin deck screws to secure the "sandwich" down to the porch floor joists.  The porch floor boards will then be screwed down, across the shimmed joists.  Victory!

Yes, taking the extra time to remove the small shims from the top and placing them in the middle of the "shim sandwich" cost our patience and the hermit a bit of hourly wages.  But it commented to the helper that if we make a mistake or think of a better way to do something, it is best to take the time to correct and re-do.  He agreed.  He is a quiet lad, a spiritual lad, and we grasp the spiritual good despite 50 years' difference in age and life experience.

Raphael asked the hermit if it was going to be getting up on the porch roof to install the rest of the siding.  Well, yes.  Who else?  And it has it's young helper, of course.  But Raphael somehow decided he'd like to do that for the hermit and at a very moderate price.  And the hermit, if it had it's 'druthers, would 'druther Raphael finish the siding.  They had sided all but this last bit of porch section and above porch roof, and they had done it beautifully.

So next week Raphael and men are coming to finish the siding and will put in two roof vents that the hermit was not at all eager to attempt, particularly on the one roof angle that is steep as any roof can be.

Yes, the helper and the hermit will not have siding experience in our construction resume, and we could do it, for sure, but some fun things we just have to share with others (and admit that they have oodles of experience at their craft).  The hermit and helper have many other tasks to do.  This little bit is not going to cut into the helper's earnings or learnings.

God bless His Real Presence in us, and God bless Raphael for moving beyond the hard feelings when the hermit let him know way back a few months, the one worker was not working out.  We all have to just keep the focus and swallow our lumps, put the past behind, and get the job done.  

And this goes especially if not most importantly, in our soul lives.

A Catholic Hermit's Family

Today, the nothing Catholic hermit's family (daughter, son-in-law, grandson) will drive a distance to this desert exile domicile, and help (or actually do the work) of shifting some boxes and furnishings into the pole barn.  The items in the pole barn need some shifting and re-organizing, first.  

All this is in effort to make more work space in the hermitage, in order for the electrician, a man he knows who does some plumbing, and then in a week or so, Raphael and his men, to come and try to make great gains in getting the hermitage finished and salable.

Although the hermit had visited another family member (daughter, son-in-law, granddaughters), far away, and with financial assistance from the daughter to do so, there is once more not communication with them.  But the nothing Catholic hermit now has a better understanding as to the reason, after having visited them for awhile.  They are extremely busy in their lives, and it is as if those who are present, right there, are communicated with.  When another is out of sight, the responsibilities of their present moments press them into that mode of distance to that which is outside.  It also has some to do with priorities and the amount of work emails and phone calls the daughter deals with in her career, during the week.  On weekends her phone and emails go untended.  

Kind of "out of sight, out of mind" mentality, but am thankful to learn it is not in rancor or malice that calls and emails go unanswered.  When plans were made to visit, in that present moment space of time, there were responses.  It is how it is and to be accepted as such.  Not the ideal in some ways, for family closeness, but the hermit accepts the various personality styles and understands the demands that others must live with in their busy lives.  Hermits, of all persons, try to keep their own lives simplified.

The adult son is a different situation.  He has chosen to remove himself from belief in God.  Quite busy in his career, he, too, does not keep in contact.  In this case of family, there is anger and contentiousness against the hermit.  There are earthly reasons for this, and over the hermit's being duped by the real estate deal here and the ensuing efforts to turn the place around, make it livable, but running out of time and resources to do so. 

For the first time in over a year and a half, the son responded to an email the hermit sent, alerting that it was going to need to try to sell before long and hoping there would be cooperation in signing off documents.  (The son is part of the hermitage mortgage deal, which he desired to be at the time.)  He made the hermit an offer that would have left the hermit penniless in a few years, so of course that had to be declined.  He did not grasp quite what he was proposing, surely.  Rather, the hermit would prefer being helped along month-by-month so that it could continue doing a lot of the manual labor, thus saving high labor costs.  (Remote areas can end up being costly in various ways.  There is usury in any situation some humans can wrangle it in.)

No, His Real Presence did not move the son to desire to help in that way, which is fine.  It only means the door is closing on remaining here.  The hermit must go for broke and do all it can, hire the two trusted workers even if costly--but just and fair in charges--to finish as soon as feasible, and then try to sell the hermitage.  The son, if not sole owner, would like to be disassociated with the endeavor.  That is quite all right.  

Catholic hermits, being Christian and called out of this world, not more into it, understand and flex with whatever His Real Presence brings and allows.  And this one knows also that there are various factors involved, behind the scenes so to speak.  It grasps the clash between this nothing Catholic hermit who is totally devoted to and in love with His Real Presence and the Faith and all therein, and a young man in the full prime of life, successful in the temporal world, who is in a phase of ridiculing Christians and disbelieving of God. Yes, it is but a phase.

The hermit's aunt in a distant place, a nonogenarian, has been most supportive in prayer and encouragement, and has financially assisted the hermit such as in this terrible illness and back when it was thought the hermit could turn the hermitage into a more livable place with the desire to remain here once finished.  The hermit's spiritual director, also, has helped--his in part to make reparation for the dismal actions of a diocese in yet another situation that has been forgiven but was very costly to the hermit, and perhaps unfairly so.  

In these rather personal details of family (and also of financial risks and struggles), the point is always of being open to and heeding God's will.  A hermit must be responsible for its own livelihood and sustenance, as far as the temporal and material aspects of life play out.  It must not hold attachments too much, and be willing to go without when situations unfold even down to abodes.  

It is all a journey, and that includes a hermit's family, for unless one is in a religious order of hermits in which it is understood that one detaches from family and no longer belongs to family in that sense but rather belongs solely to God and in obedience to the religious order, a hermit must be sensitive to the needs of others, such as family sensitivities, and let God do as He wills in the ups and downs that can occur.  Since this hermit is the lone Catholic of its immediate family and the bulk of the extended family, there is not the grasp of a hermit's life that a hermit from a Catholic family would understand.

A hermit must always be grateful and to rise and fall with the waves, and to endure the doldrum and the storm, alike--in love, faith, trust--while always seeking His will, moment by moment.

In this terrible illness of which there is finally some break in the severity and improvement noticed, there is much gratitude for having survived it.  There is gratitude for the way in which His Real Presence has provided much prayer support through the aunt and some other long-time friends, including some very close Catholic friends, and the spiritual director.  

His Real Presence provided the Catholic deputy sheriff [remember, it may only take one angel] who happened to be on duty for five days in the worst of the illness, and who ran some errands that were critical, even though at first he wanted to take the hermit to a hospital.  He quickly understood that the situation warranted faith and trust, and suffering it out but with help from medication and two doctor visits.  The temporal financial aspect did not allow for more expense, and the aspect of this hermit's vocation as victim soul, also did not warrant other than allowing the Beloved to hold His hermit in His Arms.

So, the family members currently are on their way to the hermitage, and this nothing Catholic hermit must rise from bed, empty the chamber pot, and praise and pray and thank God in all situations--including whatever family issues, calm or stormy at any given time, and with holy awareness of the family that is the Body of Christ.  The ones coming today are Christians, and thus the reason for more communication and understanding, even if not agreeable with Catholicism.  Light is light, and love of Christ binds whoever in that light.  We must remember that darkness stands in opposition to the Light.  So we pray for our biological families, and for our family the Body of Christ, and for our family as in the family of man, of the world at large, believers and unbelievers.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Little children, let us love one another!  Remain in His Love, and bless those who do also and those who do not.  May our hands ever be in the open palm position other than when we must grasp hard the cross of Christ Crucified.  Let go all the earthly possessions and situations, and be open to receiving whatever His Real Presence brings, moment by moment.

Humility, Humility, All About

The mind is a-flutter with wondering what next and where and how.  Then remembered the cloud analogy.  There are many clouds today, woven as a blanket; no, more like a washed, concrete ceiling.  Regardless, if we could put our hands up and touch, we'd keep reaching and touching and touching and reaching--never stopping.  We'd never feel or be stopped by the ceiling.

Seemed the best thing to do rather than despair over the financial trials, the energy of body trials, the realization that this place is not nearly finished and not salable, and lots of work to be done before any hope of moving on, and not wanting to move on but facing being stopped by the ceiling.  Or floor.  

So this situation here is not like the clouds.  But the reaction to and dealing with it is like we deal with the clouds.  We notice them sometimes, but not really too much.  We don't bother trying to touch them for we know we cannot, not really. Yes, we might feel the cool and moist or be bathed in water drops if we could put our hands or bodies inside a rain cloud.  But we aren't in a rain cloud usually, unless in an airplane flying through.

The best thing to do is to just try to keep working on the place and know that the clouds will be totally different another hour or day.  That is the way to deal with life's trials, too.  Just keep the nose to the grindstone, praying all the while, sensing the beauty of the created world all about, and accept that the clouds come and go.  And so must we.

We are changing all the time, as is all else living and created...clouds, and even stones.  

Can't find the construction stapler.  Need it to staple the felt paper to the old flooring up here so can screw down the plywood sub-flooring.  Prayed and prayed, looked and looked:  still no stapler.  Last time used was when Francisco helped staple the insulation in downstairs ceiling.  We each had a stapler.  Found the staples, just no stapler, not yet.  Will keep praying and trying to locate.

Humility, humility, is all about us.  It is like the clouds, present and there, visible moisture at a distance but quite willing to gift into our souls, our inner moist and warm and welcoming souls.  Let us hope and pray our souls are welcoming to humility.  Pride is its only obstacle.

In thoughts on humility this morning, amidst the tears and questions as to how this life can be so difficult sometimes.  How on earth, literally, is this tired nothing Catholic hermit going to finish this dwelling so can sell it, yet have enough income to remain for the long time it takes this old hermit to do so much manual labor?  The thoughts blew about the mind like frantic winds.  Then came the thought:  Do or die.

That is humbling.  It does come down to this, does it not?  So lined up the medication bottles in a row, and stirred some stoic effort and stated:  Do or die!  Yes, Lord, it is do or die time.  So humbling!  And the obvious action is to do!  Even if one feels as if it has lived all the cat's nine lives, one must get up, shake off the bodily pain, dress, eat something (thankful for food), and get to work.

Too tired to even try to sell off the supplies, so had better work with them and use them and have the place any bit farther along in finished effect.  As for setting a four-month deadline to finish...the psyche balks at that.  Seems too impossible.  Remember the clouds?  Could we possibly tell the clouds to be in a certain location or formation four months from now?  Hardly and not!

That, too, is humbling.  We actually have no more control on the moment after this next one, than we do in grabbing a cloud or in making one do as we wish or think would be best.

Humility is being a cloud.  Seems so.  Clouds are given titles.  There is the generic title of "cloud" that God has inspired in the naming.  Then someone came along and was organized and scientific-minded, and decided (was inspired by God) to give the types of clouds titles--distinguishing each from another type.  We had to learn those names as children in science class, perhaps around fifth grade.  Four types, it seems, and probably more now.  We people keep thinking up more and more distinguishing aspects.  These can be useful to scientists and good to memorize for the discipline of expanding knowledge and stretching the mind.  

But the overall title of "clouds" suffices for most of us.  We don't usually even consider the clouds but keep our heads down more and more, into technology and into work that has us indoors a lot, and not looking up to the heavens.  Seems like to the clouds, having a title probably means nothing at all. Don't know if God needs them to have a title; probably not, other than as a gift to us to help us appreciate more and identify this or that, by giving all things and thoughts, names.

Underneath the names, though, humility can be all about. Up above our earthly trials, humility can be all about.  Deep within our pained bodies and our seeking souls, humility can be all about.  It can come all of a sudden or be like a blanket, or like that washed, concrete ceiling--a cloud itself can be the humility all about our souls!

(Maybe in addition to love, humility is friends with faith.)

Now, to have another look about for that stapler.  Do or die!

God bless His Real Presence in us, little children!  Let us love one another and love the clouds! Humility, humility is all about!  See it if we can; always accept and let it into our souls!

Asking God for Humility

This morning prayed for the Lord, His Real Presence, to teach this nothing what is humility.  St. John Climacus brought up such an excellent thought in his writings after having heard previous holy men's definitions of humility, prior to his 6th c. time on earth.

But John Climacus realized none of those definitions seemed accessible to him, personally.  The Scripture in Matthew 11:29 spoke:  Learn from Me, for I am meek and humble of heart.  John asked and received what the Lord wished for him to grasp of humility.  He gave him a definition.  [This definition is shared in previous post.]

So nothing has asked for what His Real Presence may desire it to grasp further, of humility--beyond the marvelous definitions and wisdoms given by some of the holiest pilgrims who breathed earthly air.  One thought that came fairly early in this day is that humility is transient.  Perhaps more than most of the virtues, humility is sensitive to the present moment.  In one instance humility is planted solid and deep; in another moment humility can dissipate like a passing cloud.

Thus, this nothing Catholic hermit spent some time watching clouds in the sky while resting the very painful back.  Then a young wife and mother emailed, asking input for some temporal-spiritual issues.  They had to do with what may enter into their lives in the next several months:  a change in job, perhaps, and thus location.  Nothing had been struggling with similar, as finances are dwindling due to the amount of renovation involved in Te Deum Hermitage.

Humility, like clouds, or like concerns beyond the present moment, can be visible or not.  No matter, it is always in flux while we are in our earthly progression.  While writing some ideas for the young wife and mother, with clouds as an example of humility and present moment existence, a cloud dissipated as if before the eyes.

Clouds remind us of God's creative power, omniscience, and ever present love...and humility.  In His grandeur, God is humble, yet He is eternally humble.  At some point, when we love more truly and purely, and when humility wraps itself around love like clouds seem to embrace the sky, we may find more moments of humility, present humble moments building one upon another and lingering some, rather than being so transient.

But already today, when the pain rose and obstacles to manual labor tasks banked like foreboding storms threatening to disrupt progress, where was humility?  For a bit it seemed as if frustrated anger rolled in; but soon enough the clouds shifted, and humility was recognized in the reality that today's tasks had to be placed on hold until tomorrow.  The obstacles were impassable for the time being; there is humility in this reality, as well.

Presumably the definition of humility will change just as much as the presence of humility can fluctuate.  It depends upon what we are capable of grasping regarding this most precious grace given us by His Real Presence (for the asking).  Each soul can learn special aspects regarding humility as God wills and provides, in whatever ways we need to learn and are capable of learning.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  All His graces and love and power and might are in Him, and He in His Abode, within us!  Think on that truth!  But we mostly are not able to yet absorb so much, such as purity of love and constancy of humility.  Someday, though, and increasingly so, we pray for increasingly constancy of humility, as we climb the stairway to heaven!

Little children, let us love one another!  Let us love and pray to be humble, and to be humbled.

News; Efforts; Perspective

For now continue to keep up with the news, online.  One station, video clips, not all, mostly headlines--this gives enough of the grasp and details for praying.  Still wonder if not knowing would do as well.  But this current approach seems helpful so as to not become too caught up in self.  Is an occupational hazard of the human condition, perhaps enhanced by social media.  Those living alone can be particularly prone.

Mark did not show up today.  Finally called, and he said he thought this nothing was to call him.  No, last conversation ended with "See you Wednesday"...but let it go.  God's will.

Someone had emailed in the early morning, asking about mindfulness.  Nothing Catholic hermit wrote back, explaining the Order of the Present Moment, mentioned the Nine S'.  Recommended Br. Lawrence's classic, Practicing the Presence of God, and de Caussade's Abandonment to Divine Providence (also translated as The Sacrament of the Present Moment).

It is to that reminder that His Real Presence prompted the nothing hermit to take it well that the help was not coming today.  So decided to start the process of measuring and very carefully boring 2" holes through some studs, with very little space in which to do it.  Crawling under sink in that base cabinet, used the corded drill which a clerk had recommended for better power.  However, it jammed and whipped back on the hermit, wrenching the twice-operated-on shoulder and whacking the side of the hand.

Read something quite poignant and painful of a woman's past:  a fourth child and only daughter, born years ago with a major birth defect that then was not treatable.  Their princess died after five months in the hospital, never able to be brought home.  So was thinking of this little angel, and also of the anguish it would have brought to the parents.  Over time, the mother grew to understand the connection with her daughter, and what a special gift she is, across the veil.  The mother offers now to share her angel in heaven, as she has come to pray and ask for assistance from this precious soul.

When the painful drill-whipping occurred, this nothing began sobbing and thinking it simply could not do this overwhelming work!  Too hard!  Am too old, too tired, too weak!  Thoughts turned to the older woman, and her long ago birth of daughter.  Suddenly began sobbing and feeling it a kind of sobbing in kind with the woman, for the anguished tears she must have wept many times over when her baby girl was born with such a dire defect.  One can only hope this nothing felt some of that great hurt of a mother in losing an only daughter in infancy, never having her home--five months in a hospital, then death.  

Somehow, all these aspects develop a sense of perspective. Called Raphael, and he said to use the battery drill--that the corded one is too powerful with those large hole-boring drill bits.   Am not strong enough to control a corded drill when it jams and whips.  He is sending a helper tomorrow for the heavy work-needs here.  Sensing the support of the new friend in heaven, used the battery drill and bored the holes through which the new sink drain vent system will run.  Had to stop when realized need yet another size of hole bit.  So it all has to wait until next trip to civilization.

And all of it seems very small, somehow, compared to today's world news, and in thinking of an only daughter--or any child--being born with uncorrectable defect (at least then).  All these construction frustrations are a very small bag of worms, indeed.  The higher-again pain level today is but a small matter in the full spectrum of suffering humanity. The Order of the Present Moment comes to the fore, once again; and the body needs rest yet, so as well Mark did not come.  

Found it interesting in reading the more detailed book about Teresa of Avila and John of the Cross, that Teresa expressed verbally to others and in writing of her wish to not have to live.  She longed for release from this life, this earth, the world.  Yet, she lived out her life, seeking God's will and loving Him beyond measure.  She did what she was to do, her work, even though she suffered chronically.  Could so totally relate with her feelings and the words with which she expressed them.

God works all things to good for those of us who love Him.  Trials and tragedies sooner or later radiate the blessings and spiritual growth tucked, always, in them.  Just look for them immediately, as that saves us a lot of upset.  God provides for us in the details large and small, in the present moment, without fail.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Little children, let us love--and weep, rejoice, and share with--one another!

Hermit: Antidote to Doubts

From reading various hermit saints and mystics, the best way to discern doubts and to remove them from the mind, is to praise God, pray, and keep busy.

Remaining in the Order of the Present Moment occurs when we praise, pray, and do our daily work. Keeping the hands busy along with the mind, and remaining positive and thankful--how easy?  Very easy, if we do not let doubts and past memories get much of a foothold in the mind.

Learning from the past is one thing, and it does not need to be a repeated lesson of reviewing over and over.  Remaining in the present can be enhanced and holy, augmented by loving and beautiful memories of the past as well as by any underlying lessons well-learned...but moved onward.  The details of failings or hurts ought go the way of streaks on a window when polished bright and clear, opening the view to the glories of now.

Yesterday this nothing Catholic hermit had doubts assail.  Does God really want us to live austerely, to go out into the spiritual depths, to renounce various aspects of the commercial and distracting world?

While the question might be a good one to ask now and then, if the doubts begin to swell and threaten to take root, best to praise, pray, and get busy.  His Real Presence will sort out the answer to one's questions, by and by.

Thus, while cutting 2"-thick styrofoam insulation board, individually fitting each between slanted ceiling joists, thoughts turned to praise and prayer while the hands kept busy measuring, cutting with a blade, fitting, and tamping in with a rubber mallet, the insulation board.  The phone rang.  The hermit had a discussion with the daughter about Advent and Christmas.  His Real Presence spoke through the daughter, with the reminder that the hermit's thoughts had turned to Christmases past, not present.  The daughter already was experiencing some of that, with her child.

Yes, yes.  And the conversation turned to Mary and Joseph, and the travels to Bethlehem--not a vacation to a warm, ocean locale, not a time of physical comfort for either of them, especially not for Mary, great with child.  Then the stable--after what could have been an increasingly frantic search for a decent room with cot or floor mat, shelter from the cold, food and drink.

The delightful distractions of a more commercial-type celebration of Christ's birth can yet catch an old hermit with feelings of current inadequacy toward those by need or nature, more in the world than a hermit.  Vocations do vary, and there is good reason for variation.  But the hermit's doubts subsided, and the questions it asked of His Real Presence were answered.

Praise His Real Presence in rejoicing even in silence.  Pray unceasingly (be intimate with inner conversation with His Real Presence).  Keep busy at whatever order is of the present moment, even if a nap is in order, or eating, or any manner of work or exercise, writing, thinking, and emptying out.

Yes, God does delight in our sacrifices from that which is unnecessary and for that which provides more for others, not self.  God does desire us to go further into the depths of the spiritual, for that is His Way, His Truth, His Life.  

As for extreme efforts, extreme is relative and conditional in degrees.  What may seem extreme to one is not to another.  Some have the courage and grace and practical circumstances (fewer or no familial responsibilities) to make radical changes in the externals.  We all can make radical conversions toward God, in the interior of our hearts, minds, and souls.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Little children, let us love one another, for God Is Love! Through, with, and in Him, we are graced to live our vocations with the zeal and radical love which is pleasing to God and inspired by Him, with outflow of goodness, here on earth below and there in heaven above.

Simplicity in the Seeking

"At that time Jesus said, ‘I thank you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and the intelligent and have revealed them to infants; yes, Father, for such was your gracious will. All things have been handed over to me by my Father; and no one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and anyone to whom the Son chooses to reveal him." (Matthew 11:25-27) 

Today's Gospel reading stimulates and affirms the thoughts while drywall mudding in Te Deum House.  Yes, I have been pondering the growing reticence to anything but what is simple--especially in the spiritual life.  It is not like me who used to take on the spiritual journey by trying any challenging physical or intellectual project, devotion, book, ascetics.  

Somehow, the above words of Jesus are a balm of simplicity.  It is not that I don't think or can't think, or that I cannot read challenging books or carry on intellectual conversations, or study complex rules of life or know various "paths" in prayer, requiring various steps and guidelines.

The problem is, if a problem:  All that now wearies me.  In fact, it kind of makes a sickening stir in the stomach, and before long I am resting in bed or doing some simple, fun task like conversing with His Real Presence in the gardens to dispel the heaviness of the other.

It is not at all that the complex, intellectual, detailed, erudite, learned and researched ways of prayer and journeying to God are wrong or bad.  They simply sicken me; I get drained thinking about them, and when I see something lengthy with many components, rules, listings of steps of procedures, I have to stop reading.  My heart-thoughts develop clogs in the brain.   It seems best to read the marvelous books simply to enjoy them--because they connect us to His Real Presence in some way or other.

Recently I was wondering if I was losing my faith!  Had I become lax and rude regarding certain practices, prayers and programs said to be the way to holiness?  There are many blogs which go into these practices--how-to-be holy required lists and guidelines.

I recall reading a letter of St. Therese of Lisieux, and laughed when she wrote she'd rather wear a hair shirt than pray the rosary.  As it turned out, her spiritual director realized she was praying more intimately in a contemplative way and was not at the level of the verbal and meditative repetition of the beautiful rosary prayer.  What seemed a problem was not at all, and surely Mary was pleased with the intimate conversing Therese engaged with her and with her Son.

Then the thoughts of Brother Lawrence in practicing the presence of God. He was a lay brother cook, a simple man whose education lacked but whose faith and love of God was like a shooting star, heavenward.  He said that at a certain point, best to have God be one's spiritual director.

A friend emailed a bit ago.  She and I finished our reading of Elizabeth of the Trinity's life.  She has signed up for a diocese program to be consecrated to the Heart of Jesus through Mary.  She had to purchase a book and a workbook.  It is a 33-day consecration based upon St. Louis de Montfort's written thoughts of Mary and his act of consecration.

My friend is burned out on the third day.  She finds it forced, intense, methodical, burdensome; plus she was not pleased with the cost of the materials they were told must be purchased for this consecration.  She shared with me that the complex content seems to get in the way of her otherwise intimate and pleasant relationship with the Mother of God.  However, she keeps praying that somehow she will make it through the program and will be consecrated to Mary.

I suspect she already is.  

However, a decade ago I was quite intent on strictly following the 33-day consecration prayers and offerings, meditations.  I utilized St. Louis de Montfort's writings: a small booklet for under $4.  While I have St. Louis' book of extensive love-writings and insights about Mary, I have read about half.  It remains with the bulk of my books, packed in some box in the pole barn, bookmark inserted where I left off.

Inspired by my friend's effort in the diocese program, I decided to re-consecrate myself to the Heart of Jesus through Mary, although I figure (and my spiritual father agrees) that once consecrated, it's a sealed deal: my heart in His.  However, I'd like to honor Mary as well as commemorate her Queenship which this year happens to be the 30th anniversary of my life-altering car-accident and 19th anniversary as a Catholic, and 12th anniversary since my last child left for college.  All these happened on August 22.

But what to do?  Certainly, it must be something very simple.  I am too far behind or beneath the difficult, the taxing, the intense, the costly materials.  One thought is to just do something every day regarding Mary's aid in falling in love all the more with Jesus, whatever she brings to mind.  Another is to read daily a little prayer that a woman gave me when I became a Catholic.  I used to babysit her children, and I always admired this woman--perhaps due to her Mary-likeness.

The poem is called "Mary Like-ness."  It is a prayer poem she had to memorize when a child in parochial school.  I would love to be more Mary-like, frankly.  While mudding this morning, I wondered if Mary did stuff like that?  Did she help with the building of her stone house in Ephesus?  Did she make the stone stations of the Cross that legend says she had in her back garden and where she would linger and meditate on the life and death of her Son?  I'd like to think so, although being a woman in that culture at the time, perhaps not.

I have been praying for a friend's friend who killed himself on July 7.  He had horrible pain that so altered his life; he lost hope and purpose.  God bless him!  I wrote to my friend how sorry, but that I know first-hand how pain can alter our minds when it gets out of control.  Jesus knows!  He Is Mercy!

Then a friend emailed and asked me to help pray with her for a woman who is in a coma.  She passed a semi-truck and was struck by another semi-truck that evidently did not see her.  Ironically, her name is the same as a woman who came to mind yesterday afternoon while mudding the drywall.  Terry.  For that Terry, since I'd not had her come to me in thought for quite awhile, I realized she or someone in her family needed prayer, so I let each person kind of flow through my being in a type of blessing greeting and benediction.  God's will be done.  

I will let his Real Presence guide my thoughts on Terry-in-the-coma.  I am also going to send some encouraging thoughts to her, kind of talk with her about how death is so easy and beautiful, but if she is to remain on earth, God will simply send her one place or another.  His will be done.  Either way, it is all right.  In her coma, she awaits.

The memorized prayers are most help- ful, though, and not at all difficult when spontan- eous.  

Often, while watering flowers and trees, I pray a Hail Mary, Glory Be, the Lord's Prayer and sometimes the prayer the angel had the children of Fatima pray at the end of each mystery of the Rosary.

As for binding Satan, it is good to command him aloud, or also pray the St. Michael prayer.  But now, in whatever verbal or mental praying, I aim to be in the Order of the Present Moment.  Whatever spontaneously drifts into the subconscious or the conscious mind...or out the lips...becomes prayer.  MERCY, or Dear God in Heaven, or Mary help, or Jesus is enough for me!

I steer clear of formulas.  I find that if one simply strives living all for God in the Order of the Present Moment, then certain rituals, postures, repetition, mantras, or routines are not necessary.  Some are all right, and I have certainly read many books on such efforts for spiritual progression.  But I am discovering as I seek God, what simply helps most is to desire much and to be in love with His Real Presence.  

It helps not to be distracted by too much of the world and its concerns, but God can break through noise.  If we love Him, we will turn down or cut out what is not God.  If we simply know how real God IS, and that His Real Presence is inside our souls having made His abode there, we can easily step inside and join Him any hour of the day, any place, and in any circumstance or activity.

How marvelous, of course, that holy people before us have shared their prayers and their ways of coming to union with God.  Some later on in their lives realized more what Jesus was trying to express in the Scriptures.  Seems to me, at least at this point in my life: love + simplicity.  

Love Jesus and get to know Him intimately, personally, as His Real Presence remains inside our souls all the time, there waiting for us to join Him.  Rejoice and rest and find His Real Presence so very simply.  Love Him, have faith, and believe!

"All things have been handed over to me by my Father; and no one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and anyone to whom the Son chooses to reveal him."

Order of the Present Moment: Reminder

Raphael happened by a couple days ago, unexpectedly.  I was outside watering and planting a couple more clearance perennials, doing what is familiar, comfortable, and beautiful.  Raphael immediately asked what progress had I made with the inside of the house.  I admitted I the workload inside was overwhelming me again, and that I'd even had doubts I would ever be able to finish.

He took a look inside.  I had plumbed the drain and vent system for the bathroom sink.  I had re-nailed the 10 or so electric outlet boxes to the studs on the wall we made new, level, and plumb.  But that was it--not much to show for the work effort.  I also explained I only the day before was able to retrieve photos of where the electrical wires needed to be re-threaded to the outlet boxes....

Raphael encouraged me to get that wiring finished, and he'd send Francesco later in the day to help me hang drywall on the high, vaulted ceiling wall.  So I got to work on the project and encountered obstacles.  My drills were not powerful enough to drill 1" holes through the double and triple header plate--the 2x4's to which the top of the wall studs are secured.  While I was able, with much effort and patience, to drill holes through the vertical studs and thread the wires through them, the remaining was beyond possible given my drill's limitations.

Francesco showed up just when I was at the end of what I could accomplish.  Four hours later, we had the drywall installed--up to the top 15-inches or so.  That last bit needs to be boxed-out because a worker hired last fall put in a board supporting the vaulted ceiling joists--crooked!  But, it seemed as if that was something I could build the next day, as well as to finish off the remaining lower walls needing drywall, plus get the seams taped.

I awoke yesterday with goals in mind.  After some necessary watering (hot in this desert-like dryness), I started to hang more drywall.  Then I discovered that another stud in yet another wall, was not plumb.  It took an hour or more to remedy that situation.  

Then when I climbed the tallest ladder to attend to the area needing to be boxed out around the crooked board running the length of the room up near the ceiling line, I discovered yet more obstacles.  The man last fall had not nailed the supporting joist wall into any joists below.  Nails were merely driven into areas not stable and not penetrating solid support joists or the header plate.

While these details and jargon may be unfamil- iar and tedious, they reflect required but frustra- ting, time- absorbing efforts. 

Next, I turned to another task--that of removing a huge piece of drywall, unscrewing each screw, in order to shim it out better, plus raise it from the sub-floor a half-inch.  (I had not known to do so a few weeks ago when my daughter helped me install it.)  The shimming effort ran into some problems, though, requiring yet more time, only to realize shimming out would not necessarily help.  But at least I got that piece of drywall hung properly and re-screwed.  

I then had to remove a top piece of drywall--quite heavy--but I managed to get it leveraged down to the floor where it remains, leaning against another wall.  I will need help lifting it up to re-hang.  For that piece, some shimming at the top is going to be essential.

I lost track of time in all this effort, tedious as it was.  I noticed the sun shifting and the room heating.
Hours of prayer of the meditative type had accompanied the work process, but weariness and grumpiness led me to checking the time on my little flip-phone.  I had but another hour or two of light enough to work!  

The day was spent!  I had not accomplished even one full aspect of my three-pronged goal!  I yet had a major obstacle to figure and correct--not even a clue yet as to the remedy.

And, I had lost track of the Order of the Present Moment--that order that Jesus Himself had told me was my "Order", some 18 years ago.  And that St. Joseph is the Patron of that Order, and whatever I happen to be wearing in the present moment is my "habit."

Suddenly, it came clear once again.  Do not establish set goals or expecta- tions of what I will accomp- lish in the next hour, day, month, or year.  We do not know the day or hour, after all.  Yes, I can keep the desire to make progress and have a general hope of what might be.  But to set a goal of what I will accomplish in any future of earth time, is not a done deal.

So it is with my soul, my spiritual progression.  The whole point is that in the Order of the Present Moment, only that moment can be effected and affected.  The moments build upon moments, in a flow of God's will and progression...not mine.  

I had become far too ensconced in what exactly I thought I would get done, and then what the next day, and the next, with a goal that by Saturday I would be installing the wood flooring and soon after bringing in the cabinets to install.  But no, there are some hurdles to clear first, and a main obstacle to my progression was the very fact that it was I who set an end-point-in-time of some set, temporal accomplishments.  God did not accommodate my set plans.  

Instead,   His Real Presence reminded me of the Order of the Present Moment and of His plans.  He planned for a couple phone calls that took time, but they also gave me more people to pray about.  He planned for me to learn anew that the temporal is a soul-teaching aid, not a goal in itself.  The goal is to glorify God in all things, and to pray, and to love, to learn to love.

Today I am going to do some manual labor.  I will put in the prayerful time and focus, and whatever is accomplished is that which is accomplished.  I will not shirk nor skimp with my efforts, yet I will not assume this or that is going to unfold easily or be finished by the time I must stop working.  The spinal headache and increased bodily pain due to yesterday's efforts and frustrations, are factored into the present moments of this day, moment by moment.

It is all God.  It is being reminded of the Order of the Present moment, and that in each present moment, He is in me--and I am to be in Him.  I am not in a manual labor, self-set goal, good as goals may be if the goal is glorifying God and remaining in His love.  Then the temporal goals flow from His will, not from my intellect or my time frame.  It is all God--the goals, the time, the unfolding of the present moment.