Hermit: Personal Lamentation

My Lamentation

I have sinned yet again, and thankfully God keeps catching me. I email and text--not often--but when I do, I send what I ought not, and that which is terribly detracting and awful especially to people I really love, but over aspects that have horribly upset me and of which I obviously have not gotten over.  Things and aspects that cling to me for a long time--that which is not my business nor even Christian of me.

I am a cruel and hateful human being.  I am shown this reality in ways I cannot begin to even describe, yet it is factual and caused yet again great harm to someone not at all deserving of my vileness.  I cannot even blame the devil.

Part of the issue is my pain confusion--and it is a good thing to show me in my tech errors and thus bring such cruelty and hurtfulness to people I do not at all mean to hurt. Yet I do, and so I wonder if indeed, within me, if there is such bad habit and flawed character that I do more harm than ever I intend nor want.  So why do I continue, and the good God catches me in it--and how many times has He tried to correct me, show me my ugliness?  It is far worse than St. Paul's saying he does the bad what he does not want to do, and the good he does not do as he ought.  

At times, such as what I did today and the Lord caught me in a way that even my horribleness I don't trust myself to be able to change. I seriously wonder if I am even capable of forgiveness by God and definitely do not deserve those I so hurt, to ever forgive me.  I don't think they should.  I offend God Himself.  And what a terrible example of a Christian, a Catholic, a hermit I am in these times of deprivation of letting my thoughts and upsets over what is not mine to even think about and especially not to comment on!

In this regard, truly, hermit life is appropriate for such as my sinful self, so that I need to be kept even more in God's solitary confinement to learn, if learning for me is even possible in this world.  How could I hurt someone I care for so very much?  I myself have no words for what I do, what I did, and it is not the first time that the Lord has turned it back on me to--I suppose, try to save my soul by catching me and shoving my ugliness into my own face and reality!

I'm going to stop the bit of email and bit of texting.  Remove contacts so as not to be tempted to do wrong to others.  As for my own thoughts, the pain thankfully and mercifully more keeps me from being able to be out of bed. I thank God for the suffering, as that is the only aspect that will work to correct my flaws to spare me from hell.  I will be fortunate to spend eternity in purgation.

Perhaps it takes that much extreme to correct my flawed and sinful self. I thank God for even at this most grievous time for someone else, that I wrote and confused in my upset, to whom I sent yet another blast of my upset over a situation that is not even extant.  I can't express enough my disappointment with my sinfulness!  And I seem irredeemable.  All I can do is turn all the more to  the Lord in my pathetic mind, heart, and soul with all the flaws and ugliness of self, my own hypocrisy of all that I despise in others but have all the more in myself.

Perhaps I need to be the one to only communicate with the few others I communicate with, by sending quotes of Scriptures and holy persons, such as what I had hitherto been uplifted today, by St. Julian of Norwich's divine revelations in her reclusion.  That is perhaps something I ought pray about, for I ask the Lord why it is that I keep doing such terrible hurtfulness to those I love?  At least it reveals, and the Lord shows them to me in the most horrible of circumstances of my shamefulness and sin, my wretchedness.  Perhaps I need to detach from writing and turn to prayer alone, or of only writing the good words of truly good and holy people.

I have no words of any good of myself, that is for sure.  I know of no other time in which I have done such wrong and been so despicable.  I do not deserve forgiveness, for I am incorrigible of any of my own volition.  I have no good in my most weak and pathetic human, sinful will.  Don't think that I am exaggerating or coming down too hard on myself.  I am not hard enough for my flawed character and ugliness of thoughts and words, of criticizing and not getting over the situations of others, of which they cannot even help of themselves.  There are not words enough to excoriate myself.

I have never been so disappointed in myself as now, and it is all quite deserved and true.  Only God could tolerate a sinner as I am, and there is no good in me other than what God might instill in my cruelness of personhood.

I can only turn to Scripture and to saints for words and thoughts worth writing or uttering.  Pray for me, please, that I can be spared the worst of condemnation by the Lord, for I deserve all that I have coming to me, and then some.  What category is greater than full shame of one's total self?  Whatever that is, I am of that.  Seriously, this is no exaggeration, my reckoning before God.

My only hope is to refrain from my very self, to repose in my cell, in my room and bed, and beg the Lord to teach me in solitude, in solitary confinement.  There seems no other way before me but full immersion and penitence, for real, not just in word and thought.  I need this turning point if there is any hope for me. God and I know.  I cannot even consider myself Christian or Catholic, I am so disgusted within my very soul.  For now it is "hermit" and of that, no account.


"On one occasion the good Lord said:  'All shall be well.'  On another:  'You will see for yourself that all shall be well.'  In these two sayings the soul discerns...that not only does He care for great and noble things, but equally for little and small, lowly and simple things as well.  This is His meaning:  'All shall be well.'

"We are to know that the least thing will not be forgotten.  Another is this:  we see deeds done that are so evil, and injuries inflicted that are so great, that it seems to us quite impossible that any good can come of them.  

"As we consider these, sorrowfully and mournfully, we cannot relax in the blessed contemplation of God as we ought.  This is caused by the fact that our reason is now so blind, base, and ignorant that we are unable to know that supreme and marvelous goodness which belong to the blessed Trinity....It is as if He were saying:  'Be careful now to believe and trust, and in the end you will see it all in its fullness and joy....'

"There still remains a deed which the blessed Trinity will do at the last Day--at least so I see it--yet when and how it will be done is unknown to all God's creatures under Christ, and will remain so until it takes place.  The reason why He wants us to know about this deed is that He would have us more at ease in our minds and more at peace in our love, and not be concerned with those storms and stresses that stop us from truly enjoying Him.

"This great deed, ordained by the Lord God from before time, and treasured and hid within His blessed heart, is known only to Himself.  By it He will make everything to turn out well.  For just as the blessed Trinity made everything out of nothing, in the same way shall He make all that is wrong to turn out for the best."

      ~ Julian of Norwich, recluse, (1342-until sometime after 1416), Revelations of Divine Love

Catholic Hermit Ponders Jesus' Warning About Daily Life Anxieties

The following of the Living Word of God dwelt within me since a morning reading last week.  I especially felt the warning of that which I placed in bold: "Beware that your hearts do not become drowsy...from the anxieties of daily life."

It is the anxieties of daily life that tend to trip me in various ways.  I become drowsy in my prayer life unless I offer as prayer the anxieties and the physical pain that when out of control becomes mental and emotional pain.

Yes, the physical pain has been out of control off and on, day in, day out, sometimes skips a day, but seems to go with barometric pressure shifts in weather: storms.  So storms have become the anxieties of daily life--and the cold!  Despite insulation, heat pump--the hermitage is very cold downstairs.

The monk priest up the road today suggested stapling plastic over the stairwell opening....

[I just lost with one wrong tap of a laptop key, the bulk of the text of what I wrote of the anxieties of daily life and am too weary to attempt the rewriting.  So a swath of sharing, ideas, and obviously not crucial thoughts to you readers and to God Himself, are several paragraphs omitted now due to their being lost forever, which is perhaps a mercy!

Some of the words included examples of more obstacles in various ways, of daily life anxieties of this consecrated Catholic hermit and mystic, including a bizarre event this morning requiring much prayer for a man involved in an accident...requiring the cabinet installer to have to leave before he even began the final effort to finish the hermitage kitchen. By now, after various repetitive such occurrences with about anything attempted in the hermitage, or also with doctors, I am convinced God's reasons are for me to pray for the people and events and not be concerned with the obstacles preventing a temporal means to an end.

I'm not sure what I wrote prior to these words, but It had something to do with being prepared to meet at any time, in judgment, and the only to whom we ought be concerned ultimately:]

are the Christ, the Son of Man, the Son of God, God in Three Persons, His Real Presence.

There is more I'd like to share, such as additional thoughts of the Lord's helping me adapt to and accept the more austere aspect of hermit life, that of more reclusion and the practical reasons thereof.  As for the spiritual benefits, there are also challenges; but He will guide, lead, unfold and sustain me in the gradual but currently unavoidable process.

How marvelous is the Lord in all aspects of every detail of our lives! I must remember to not over work the efforts nor to fret the obstacles, to not succumb to the anxieties of daily life.   For now, I pray whenever it comes to mind, day or night:  Lord, Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.


Luke 21:34-36

"Jesus said to His disciples:
'Beware that your hearts do not become drowsy
from carousing and drunkenness
and the anxieties of daily life,
and that day catch you by surprise like a trap.
For that day will assault everyone
who lives on the face of the earth.
Be vigilant at all times
and pray that you have the strength
to escape the tribulations that are imminent
and to stand before the Son of Man.'"

Sharing Excellent Article on Medieval Hermits, Recluses

I found this article to be of particular interest as I ponder this phase in my life as not so much a consecrated Catholic hermit but also as a mystic, and primarily as a mystic whose life is being lived out in the eremtic vocation.  I left out some sections from the article as posted on the blog cited at the conclusion of this post.

The mention of reclusion as a more ascetic form or hermit typology I find fascinating, especially considering the seeming lessening of current-day hermit life and various hermits who exemplify in daily lives a wide range of degrees of solitude.Sections within these sections that I find of particular interest to my evolvement I will emphasize with italics.

Women Hermits and Recluses in Medieval Europe and Italy

In the European Middle Ages, women were not allowed to live alone. For women with a religious or spiritual inclination, convents were the only practical option for several centuries. But nuns were forbidden a life in reclusion or complete or significant solitude. Reclusion was condemned as late as 1130 by no less than St. Bernard of Clairvaux, who wrote to a nun desiring reclusion that 

[T]he desert offers abundant opportunities [for evil], ... the woods solitude ... silence. Where there are no accusers to fear, the tempter can draw near in security, and an evil act can be committed more freely.

Bernard speaks of solitary places and a life of solitude as the "the serpent's venom, the trickery of the deceiver, the cleverness of the werewolf."

 Early synods had reiterated the prohibition of reclusion for women, and the Second Lateran Council of 1139 expressly forbad reclusion to women. So it was characteristic of the era that the Archbishop of York preferred that the mystic Christine of Markyate (1100-1155) be a nun rather than a recluse.

The mix of religious with social and cultural thinking on the part of ecclesiastical authorities points to a specific conception of women as the traditional "weaker" sex for whom contemplation in solitude was not possible and even dangerous to their "weaker" minds. Nevertheless, as will be seen, the same ecclesiastical authorities would pronouce their disfavor of eremitism in general -- of men or women -- until the eremitical movement of the central Middle Ages declined and the hermits of Europe virtually disappeared after the 13th century.

[Section removed; see original for full article.]

Documentation about central Italy especially suggests the prevalence of non-institutional recluses living in and outside of urban centers, on  or under bridges, city gates, roadsides, churches, mountains, and forests. The documents point to networks of alms or pecuniary distribution to hermits and recluses -- not by indifferent bishops but chiefly by laity. The situation contrasts to that of institutionalized anchorites (especially in England) and to the declining eremitical orders.

The number of hermits clearly declined in cental Italy in the 14th century. In 1290 Perugia, 56 women and 12 men are classified as recluses; in 1302 Pisa, 28 are women and 3 men, and in 1367 Fabriano there are just 12 women and 3 men. In Rome in 1320, it is recorded that 470 nuns resided, with 260 women recluses, the latter certainly an overstatement.

During the 12th and 13th century, a new vocabulary emerges. The locations of the recluses are varied: portiuncula (little place), casula (cottage) and domincula (little cabin). Even the roles of the recluses are refined in central Italy: reclusi becomes a generic terms that includes carcerati (enclosed) or incarcerati (literally incarcerated), hermitae (living outside of formal buildings) and frates et sorores (brothers and sisters, in lay roles). Still another term was pauperes monialis recluse or poor enclosed nuns. Not included as eremitic are the bizzoca or penetentials, specifically of third order laity.

In contrast to the old monastic orders, the emphasis of the new eremitical movement of this era was simplicity, poverty, asceticism and solitude. These values specifically nourished feminine qualities of spiritual expression.

[Section removed; see full article if you wish.]

These women, having experienced the typical social stages of average women of their day, nevertheless achieved a level of spirituality that St. Bernard's exhortation (quoted above) cannot comprehend. Theirs was a state of not so much abstinence or self-discipline but non-temptation. They were nol tempted by lust, gluttony, or power, some suffering acedia, doubt, and visions. 

Conclusion

The religious expression of women in the central and later Middle Ages was increasingly marked by mysticism and an increasingly sophisticated view of how spiritual values intersect with society and personal service. Intrinsic to their spirituality was the notion that, as Casagrande puts it:

The seach for the solitary life has its deepest roots in the ideal of separation and detachment from the world ... which is not necessarily effective, but rather moral and affective.

In this form of expression, women recluses differed from their male hermit counterparts in their expression of eremitism to every degree as fervent.

But the historical momentum of the era was not stoppable. The decline of eremitism beginning in the 13th century was due to several factors:

1. the Church's intense pressure to regularize hermits and recluses into established monastic or other orders;
2. the increasing wariness of eremitism among diverse authorities as Thomas Aquinas (who describes the eremitical life as "dangerous") to Jordan of Pisa (who describes hermits and recluses as "mad men and women"), and
3. the growth of third order and lay religious organizations.

[It may be interesting to note that now, the Western Church has, as recently as1983, developed a means to regularize hermits (the term recluse has dropped from Church use) by creating CL603.  Thus, hermits who wish to receive bishop approval and be publicly professed under that bishop's direction within their given diocese, may do so. At this time, the canon regulization is not at all pressure upon hermits who may still prefer private profession of vows within the Consecrated Life of the Church.  Some bishops may prefer to not have hermits in their dioceses nor to deal with the regulized aspect of CL603, either; but I know of no statistics current on this point.]

BIBLIOGRAPHICAL REFERENCES

Among specific sources for this period are Edith Pasztor: "Ideals of the Women's Hermitage Movement in Europe during the 12th-15th Centuries" p. 51-79, and Giovanna Casagrande: "Forms of Solitary Religious Life for Women in Central Italy,"  p. 80-117, in Franciscan Solitude, St. Bonaventure, NY: Franciscan Institute, 1995.

URL of this page: http://www.hermitary.com/eremitism_medieval_europe.html
© 2011, the hermitary and Meng-hu

Another Gift from His Real Presence

Lost the entire blog on Dositheus the elder, a new friend in the hermit life, in attempting to make corrections.  Might try again, but for now am satisfied that it was written, omnia pro Deo, and dear Dositheus and His Real Presence know this hermit here has received and appreciate the gift of this holy mentor and aid.

God bless His Real Presence in us!