Catholic Hermit: Family Visitation

I am on a get-away.  Been a year and a half since saw the eldest and spouse, and two grandchildren.  They had given me a gift ticket a  year ago Christmas, but surgery came in the way, and I had but another month to use it or lose it.  So traveled on shortest flights possible, and am mostly in bed but strive to get up for evening with them.  It is a blessing to see them even if an ordeal of pain, and not often.

Of anyone in my life, I try to focus on love and keeping loving bridges constructed with the three adult children. It is also very good for me to have reality check of what it is for real people in the real world, and how much responsibility, activities, and keeping up that people in the real world must contend with.  I've not been in that world for going on 36, and at that, my inner life was other than with the contemplative mystic aspects with which I was born.  

But it is a blessing to know and accept and love all that people in the active life must contend with.  Not easy!  Even with the high level of constant pain, my life is quite easy in comparison.  All the more I pray for them and for all who must exist and tend to their families, careers, household maintenance, survival, and interactions with so many people in normal, active, daily lives!  

Very good for a Catholic hermit--legal or illegal in the site and eyes of the Church--to be reminded and aware of what it is like for the bulk of humanity in these contemporary times.  We must strive to love all and not judge, to love to learn to love, and to love all aspects, all circumstances, all persons and to have great compassion and understanding of all others.

So today's First Reading in Mass from the Letter of James, has meant a great deal to my inner core, my mind, heart, and soul.  While the daughter and son-in-law work, and the grandchildren in school, then after school sport practices, my body needs the day in bed to manage pain, as the sitting required to get here and the sitting I do with evening meal with them, is something most difficult for my body, of course.  

But I feel it very important to be part of their lives for these hours of these few days; to love God in Himself and to love others as He loves us, is what our lives are to be about--hermit or whatever vocations--lay, married, consecrated life of the Church or consecrated life of Christ, holy orders!  Charity is of the first order, the primary place of Christians one and all.

"Beloved:  Who among you is wise and understanding?  Let him show his works by a good life in the humility that comes from wisdom.  But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to truth.  Wisdom of this kind does not come down from above but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic.  For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every foul practice.  But wisdom from above is first of all pure, then peaceable, gentle, compliant, full of mercy and good fruits, without inconstancy or insincerity.  And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace for those who cultivate peace."  ~ James 3:13-18

What if anything, are we, if not loving of God and loving of all others?  As the adult daughter reminded yesterday, that she and her husband would have to work this week, and I would be "alone," I laughed and mentioned that I have lived "alone" for years and years now, and that the lower level guest room is very good for me, with the quiet and solitude for trying to get on top of the bodily pain, and so this is ideal, really.   But I hear a grandchild home from school earlier than I thought, so will get the body up and mask pain, and pour out the love upon these dear souls, one and all!

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: Offering from Our Poverty

Just when I think it is ridiculous that I drone on in these blog posts, especially when I have mostly only dealing with suffering as content, and I consider it rather pointless to write, I notice an uptick in page views.  Perhaps this small bit of writing, of sharing thoughts and aspects of life striving in life and seeking God despite so much self, is of some tiny help or interest to another.

It is kind of fun to see the various countries represented in readership.  Today someone from Ukraine has been reading through several posts, and whether or not he or she sees this post which has nothing much in content other than the Scripture I am drawn to, currently, and will write out, I want to acknowledge the person who is living in Ukraine and is right now reading a Catholic hermit's blog posts.  Hello to you in Ukraine!  God bless His Real Presence in you!

A cousin has just called, also.  There is more venting regarding the tedious and pathetic, persnickety, personality issues on-going, with the person's quite-aged mother.  I was told not to call her mother, my aunt, for she is too tired.  I had sent a note card, which was received, but the content not absorbed.  The daughter told me her mother cannot think of other than her own aches and pains, of which she has been to the doctor for her dizziness.  

At age 96 and six months, the aunt is all the more exhibiting the nervous mannerisms that have always been part of her temperament.  I try to remind her daughter of this, and of some means of encouragement in trying to not get triggered by the pettiness that befalls those of us who feel sick and tired, and especially those who have not had to live with illness for the most part of their long lives.  

I remind the cousin that I understand all that she is feeling and going through, for illness that goes on and on is frustrating especially when the person is thinking there can be some kind of help possible to feel better, or is upset that he or she cannot "do" anything.  Well, the person can suffer.  Yes, that is doing something; but not everyone is at that point of spiritual understanding.  Nor are those closest to the person--the family members who are worn out from dealing with the frustrations that come with the suffering of people who rubbed the wrong way with temperament types and personality styles, or whatever it is that can wear thin over the years.

The cousin mentioned perhaps going to visit the mother once a week in the nursing home.  I encourage that idea, but what do I know of much of it?  If there is going to be more frustration, perhaps as well not.  All that will unfold and transpire, however it does.  The elderly one is going to have an MRI to see if some stroke or some type of issue with inner ear that occurs with the extremely aged which can cause some dizziness.  It is not vertigo, at least.

But yes, one can suffer; that is "doing" something.  And the one can go visit once a week--best if intention set as prayer, as omnia pro Deo, all for God.  Put into life and offer to God and others, from one's poverty, our whole livelihood be it suffering our sufferings of this type or that--pain of body or pain of exasperating persons and situations.   Our offerings of ourselves can come from love or from duty.  I suppose if from duty, there is always the chance that duty might become that of selfless love, and selfless love become sanctified joy.

From Luke 21: 1-4:

"When Jesus looked up He saw some wealthy people
putting their offerings into the treasury
and he noticed a poor widow putting in two small coins.
He said, 'I tell you truly,
this poor widow put in more than all the rest;
for those others have all made offerings from their surplus wealth,
but she, from her poverty, has offered her whole livelihood.'"

Sometimes our whole livelihood comes from our poverty of feeling as if we cannot so much as tolerate one more phone call, text, or in-person visit or interaction with a tedious, complaining, insufferable suffering person who might even be forgetting that other people suffer, too.  But I figure it is worth the try, to overcome ourselves.  

Perhaps it is in that effort to overcome ourselves and put ourselves out a bit more--be it if we are the ones tediously, interminably suffering (maybe selfish in our suffering) or if we are the ones struggling to cope being in the frustrating presence of such persons--that we actually reach into our poverty and offer our whole selves, even if our imperfect selves.

It does seem worth it to give it a try--offer from the poverty of our suffering, our whole livelihood of suffering, or offer from the poverty of our patience and tolerance, our whole livelihood of time and energy even if our offering spurned by the other or takes all we have of effort to offer.  Either way, whichever one we are--the insufferable suffering or the suffering supporter--we no doubt will have the opportunity in our lives to be either or both persons, in like situations.

Will we be the one who offers from our poverty and offer what seems to us our whole livelihood, or full effort?  Yes, I think we find the answer when we try out the potentials in part or full, time and again.  We must consider not just outer poverty, but what might confound us most--our in1ner poverty.

So I once more will offer from my suffering, from my whole livelihood of suffering today.  And in the suffering, I offer my prayers for the elderly, suffering aunt, and for the one who keeps reaching in and going with, and listening to, and trying to encourage even if frustrated and at times the offerings negated, spurned, or triggers frustration.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Little children, let us love God and one another with all we possibly can love in whatever point in love of God we have come to love and grasp of God-is-love in our erstwhile impoverished, imperfect lives!

Learning from Jesus

If one could truly live by but a phrase of Jesus' Living Word, what a holy difference to our souls, to other souls around us, and to life and to the world!

This morning, the nothing Catholic hermit took to heart Jesus' three words:  learn from me.

What and how is it to learn from Jesus?

Listen, ponder, think with the heart.  Wait.  Seek.  Pray.  Praise.  Love.  Most of all, love.

 "‘Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.’" Matthew 11: 28-30

In the recent days, the hermit has lived through additional physical and emotional hardship.  All of us have these phases of "additional" hardships to the daily trials that we all carry when we pick up our crosses daily and follow His Real Presence.

Yesterday, with a desire to do manual labor, much needed always here, instead the hermit remained reclining.  It distracted itself by nothing much holy.  Intellectually it knew that the distractions were nothing more than escapism, taking the mind to lovely scenery, fictional lives of active people, good people, doing good in the world, solving problems.  

It was not terrible escapism, but it did not elevate the soul, particularly.  It "bought" time, perhaps--time that belongs to God and not for us to purchase nor beneficially to take.  Yet, this hermit has learned in this vocation of stricter separation from the world, hidden from the eyes of men, lived assiduously in praise and prayer, the will is not strong enough yet to the discipline of one such as Mary of Egypt.  She was an early century penitent whose conversion led her to the desert where she lived for 30 years in a cave.  Her clothes wore out; her hair grew long and became her bodily covering.  

At year 31 of her solitude, prayer, penance and being blessed by God in spiritual unity on earth, a priest came upon what he thought to be a man.  She explained her life, her conversion, her gender, and she desired Holy Communion.  He went off, determined to return with some clothing.  He could not relocate her and learned she had passed from earth, having edified himself and a handful of others who knew of her existence and life of prayer, humility, and union with God.

While Mary of Egypt made an abrupt change in her life--a life that had known mortal and moral sin, we do not know the trials and the efforts and temptations endured in the process over the years.  We can assume she did not make an immediate leap from one way of existence into the physical desert, and yes, the outer and inner desert of silence, solitude, slowness, simplicity, stillness, stability, suffering, selflessness and serenity.

With that in mind, we may know that to learn from Jesus is a process.  Even if we were to give up our possessions, we would retain enough to survive, especially in our time period of temporal responsibilities, such as paying taxes, having our affairs in order for our death dues, being accessible to others who have need of us in some aspect or other that requires our compassion and selflessness in sacrificing some external aspect of our vocation, for a time.

What this hermit considers today one aspect to learn from Jesus, it is to learn His compassion.  Compassion includes understanding, of placing oneself in another person's body, mind, heart and spirit enough to suffer with, or to share with, that person's "passion."  This passion may be some intense feeling or desire, and can involve some aspect of the person suffering angst or pain.

When a friend emailed frustrations that her cleaning woman has now three times changed the day of her coming to clean her home, the hermit understood the friend's frustration.  It is all relative to the phase and personality and pace of spiritual growth, and the calling and place that we each and all have in our world and our lives.  What frustrates one person could seem superficial to others.  (This hermit's being cold for several days is superficial to the cold that the homeless or many of the world's poor experience.)  

Yet in humility, we can learn from Jesus:  understanding and compassion.  He has compassion for all life and beings, including us!

Learning compassion is part of the good of the little exercise this hermit has developed for itself.  Bend in understanding and to have compassion as to what and why others find 
irritating of this hermit and to try to remove the irritants.  It is just a small aspect of learning from Jesus understanding and compassion, of bearing with and for others.  

What frustrates or irritates others may not be in the full spectrum of life what we consider major; the problems or irritants may seem to us picayune.  However, in understanding and compassion, in learning the "s" of "selflessness", we learn from Jesus to relate and to love; and in that loving we can feel what others are enduring, at their levels and phases of living their lives.

And we learn in the process that Jesus in particular, but also other people, have had understanding and compassion for us in our levels and phases of living our lives.  What seems upsetting or frustrating to us, may be quite minor, if we take a realistic look at our crosses.  We learn from Jesus all about crosses--our own, others, and His--and pray to grow in lessons of understanding and compassion.

We may not learn high degrees or full understanding and compassion immediately.  But we learn, all the same, if even a little.  Any ounce or degree of understanding and compassion are gifts worth appreciating and sharing with others:  silently, humbly, lovingly, not judging their motives or outcomes.

There is an infinity of holiness to learn from Jesus.  Learning compassion is one wondrous lesson and gift.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Little children, let us love (and have compassion for) one another!

Catholic Hermit Reports on Water Walking

I've been busy removing some insulation in a vaulted ceiling in order to just do the job correctly.  Right is always right, in the temporal or the spiritual realms.

I did not want to spend a couple more days, at least, tediously measuring and cutting 2x4's and 2x6's in small sections and nail gunning them between the ceiling joists every two feet.  I had talked myself into just having the ceiling planking run counter to the flooring boards and opposite direction from other ceilings in the lower level.  It is God's time, and I decided to use the time He gives me to do it properly.  This must be the way in both the temporal and spiritual life.

I also attempted the water walking I mentioned in the last post, striving to do so in great faith.  I went not to one morning Mass at the more local parish (still takes half an hour each way), but I have participated in two morning Masses.  It does take courage to go where a priest has said I was not allowed at daily Masses and only at the Saturday evening, and in the cry room behind the plate glass window with little children and parents about.  The other parishioners could see me right there, out of place, and in the mystical state, immobilized.

That had not gone well a year ago.  I'm thankful my spiritual father said to go, regardless, at least to try out the daily Mass--and not ask permission.  If God wants me at Mass, that is enough.

I never know if the state will happen or how it will be.  But, it happened per usual, with the onset of His Real Presence in His Living Word.  Two things occurred deeply within but allowing me to remember them, and a third temporal thing happened at the end of Mass but before I could speak or move.

His Real Presence reminded me to have compassion for this priest who has not wanted to be a parish priest and does the bare minimum.  Even at that, he alters Mass and eliminates much if not most spiritual development in the parish.  These matters and more, are not only from my observation either externally or intuitively.  They are fact.  And part of the reason I stopped attending there was due to the source of anguish during Mass, when celebrated in disarray and disobedience.

Yet, I was being reminded to have compassion for him, and that was that.  The other experience I recall during the state at Mass, on Monday, was that much love and energy of healing was flowing through me and aimed to the left, to a man (I knew no one there) who had a suffering in his throat or esophagus.  I could hear clearly his difficulty and the tick-type noise emanating every so often.  I was shown what a suffering it was--difficult, constant, relentless--and to pray for him as well as allow the flow to the left.  So I cooperated in faith.

The temporal intrusion was toward or at the end of Mass when someone tapped my knee and another was concerned, but someone said they noticed my little sign that fortunately I remembered to put on my lap.  "Do not disturb.  Do not call 911.  Meditating."  That is what in the past I was directed to write so that people would not worry when they could not rouse me, and thus would not injure me by accident.

I also met a woman that the young couple of the Potato Novena had told me to try to meet.  I thought she looked like a secular Carmelite, Discalced, somehow.  His Real Presence is so good to help us in all matters!  But she could not resist what so many Catholics seem to not be able to stave off:  judging, questioning, doubting, and fearing.  

I thus mentioned to her, kindly, that she was doing the same thing that others have done, which is not productive.  I suggested we should let the phenomenon be as it is in Mass, but otherwise get along and enjoy one another as Christians and Catholics, and allow me to be the otherwise regular person that I am.

But she could not easily move forth from it.  She had assumed and then asked me if it was a medical condition.  I will not lie so answered it is a spiritual occurrence.  From there, she started showing the telltale signs of trying to figure it out in terms of temporal doubt and fear.  She repeated three times that I should have a priest guiding me, and sort of shook her head to the negative as if to imply I need more scrutinizing. 

Three times I repeated that I do have a priest [and we all have the Great High Priest!] guiding me, and in fact had called him early that morning, and he instructed me to try the daily Mass despite being told a year ago I was not allowed to be there by the parish priest, and also to talk with the orthodox priest of a parish farther away. 

Then she asked me if I am a practicing Catholic and mentioned, questioned me as to various aspects of regulations.  Just seemed odd, out of place.  I realized we were on different wavelengths and cross-purposes just following our participation in the mystical feast, the Mass.

In my 19 years as a Catholic, I have never had the notion or thought to ever ask anyone if he or she is a practicing Catholic.  It never came to mind, nor would I have the presumption even if it had.  In my 44 years as a Protestant, nothing of the like ever came to mind to ask if one is a practicing Protestant or practicing Christian, or if they are "saved."

 I returned to the daily Mass today, Wednesday.  The priest takes Tuesday and Saturday off.  I decided to because I felt more strongly that I must do as Jesus told me a couple years ago.  He showed me parishioners (a clutch of women in foreground and women and men and priests in the background).  He said they would criticize and misjudge me, but that I was to pay no attention.  (I realize this is repetitive of what I've already shared, but it kept coming to me when praying if I should return to daily Mass here, especially with how the one woman reacted and questioned.)

Today the state was more conscious of the Mass itself, noting parts eliminated but all else flowing, as I do not recall specifics other than the assurance it was all right.  But I was told deep within, that these people including the priest are not my judges.  Jesus is my judge.  I was also told that I am not their judge, either.  Jesus is their judge.  His Real Presence "nailed it."  My heart quickened with these realizations and truths.  They are imbedded forever in my will, intellect and very soul.

 The last couple of days, while sawing and nailing boards, it also came to me in prayer that His Real Presence is expecting me to practice more the fifth S out of the Nine S':  Selflessness.  And this means to be selfless unto Him at Mass, no matter what people think or say, or judge or fear, doubt or scrutinize.  

It came to me that "Be an immolation" includes being so, right there in the Mass amidst our conjoined humanity, and allowing myself to be utilized by His Real Presence in whatever way or means He wills and desires.  If it is to be used as a conduit of love and healing to someone either physically there or presented in inner sight, or if it is to be told truths and directives that I need to be told and thus to obey and change my own wretched heart and soul and outlook--just be there and be an immolation of His Love.

As best I can, if bodily pain allows, I will continue in faith, knowing that I am not there for my inclusion or with regard to any interaction or temporal utilization.  I am there to be an immolation so that His Real Presence can work in my soul as well as flow through me if He wills and desires, in any ways He wills and desires, for others present in person or in spirit, this world or the other.

I must continue stepping out of the boat and into what can be stormy and fearsome waters, in faith.  I must walk across the waters, and if I start to sink, He will reach out and lift me up.  Have no fear.  Be an immolation.  Practice the S of selflessness, by His example and grace.

God bless His Real Presence in us.

Hermit Ponders Simplicity

A man stopped by the other morning.  There is a story to this.  I had spoken with him on the phone three times last spring, but he was always very busy, rushed, and not able to meet me, not even to say "hello."  I met one of the monk-priests of his monastery, though, one day at the bank.  He said there are the three of them at the monastery.  The monk priest said this man, the abbot, had gone to another state to lead a retreat.

We quipped about how he seems quite busy for a hermit priest and hermit abbot.  Yes, the monk-priest said he sometimes tells the abbot he needs to go off to another monastery for some quiet!

But the abbot stopped the other morning.  He was driving by and happened to see me outside.  He was quite rushed.  I think that is part of his energy level, perhaps, or his way of life.  He commented on the work I was doing to improve the old house.  He said I was welcome to visit his monastery.  I mentioned, as I must, the little situation during Mass, although it may not occur.  Only God is forever, after all.

He then was on his way to his van and was all the more rushed.  He commented he surely hoped I'd be awake for his homily.  Two priests have said that, now, half-joking, and yet not.  I assured him if I visit, and if the state occurs, I would be very deeply aware at another level.

But he was more rushed and not listening by then.  My words slipped away somewhere between the bustling of his full-length, black, orthodox garb about his legs (so as to not get the fabric caught in the door)--and the slamming car door.  I thanked him for stopping to introduce himself, but I think that, too, may have gone unheard.

I noticed a rather significant sign on his dashboard that he is chaplain to a couple of area groups, and he gave me his "business card", as he called it, with his title (the very reverend abbot so-and-so), and thrust into my hand a colorful brochure of his monastery.  It all happened in a rush, and after he sped off, I realized anew:  first impressions do make an impression.

It wearied me.  What I seek in this phase of life is more simply, God; and to aid the search, I seek aspects of the Nine S' as platforms to help me support the living out of the Gospel rule of life.  I lately have been pondering simplicity.  Yes, it seems to me all of the Nine S' do complement each other like threads interwoven in the warp and woof, creating a softly strong tapestry.

I'm not sure how I'd feel being an abbot of two in a monastery of which land was purchased years ago, following a shift from a previous career.  I'm not sure how it would be to be a hermit priest yet so rushed and busy.  It is nearly four months since my phone call suggesting I meet them, not knowing then how many monks there nor how busy the abbot in travel and the group tours they conduct.  One time I called, he was awaiting a busload to give a tour of their compound.  The next time he was leaving to give a retreat in a major city in another state.  The other time he was busy at his chaplaincy job.  Calling a fourth time was out of the question.  I was worn out by the third.

The brief visit the other morning left me exhausted yet with some humor about how quickly he fled--about as quickly as he appeared on the scene, having rushed down the drive.  I first noticed his head--the long, yellow-white hair and immense white beard.  I thought a drifter had come, or some recluse neighbor to complain about the work I am attempting here.  Then I noticed the full-length, heavy, black habit.  By then he was already introducing himself.

All is a blur of rapid-fire exchange.  But that does not mean it was hectic or a blur for him.  We are on different paces, different breath traces, different spaces and places.

Sometimes I can grasp aspects of simplicity when I encounter what seem not to be aspects of simplicity.  I am seeking God by way of simplicity and in the rest of the Nine S' that are interwoven:  Silence, Solitude, Slowness, Suffering, Selflessness, Stability, Stillness, Serenity. This makes for a smooth, strong fabric.

Not heavy black rayon, but just simple, natural, fiber fabric of some soft shade that is serene--that whispers simplicity.  Just simplicity, that is all I seek by God's help, in self and others.  Genuine, slow, still, serene simplicity--no need to seek further than peaceful simplicity--and God shows Himself.

I have not the need, desire nor energy to keep up with intensity.  Lord, let me find sublimity in the softness of the Nine S'.  They suffice to support daily and nightly practice of the Gospels.  Some day, if out on a walk, and I see either of the two monks or abbot about, I can offer a simple, loving "hello".  But I have not wandered that direction up the road in months.  I have ceased looking for, or perhaps expecting, others to bring me "home."  Religious life and positions can become rather a complex business. 

Perhaps Anthony of the Desert became busy and rushed, the more people came to his hut?  Did Benedict rue the day his hermit life became disrupted?  Wasn't it something like two short years before his life changed to that of being well on his way as abbot of a religious order, writing rules and being responsible for many followers?  (And the more the rules, the more are infractions, the more corrections are needed, and then more enforcement.) 

It seems thus, but none of that is for me.  I am not seeking in the rushed, the complicated, the busy, the organized--which might so easily become another form of temporal structure.  Too much of that type of energy dust has been shaken out of me.  Cannot people be inspired to God with simply simple simplicity?  I pray so.

Today, across the road, a tan mare and her likewise tan filly are newly arrived and grazing in the pasture.  I wonder if there will be five horses now, or if the two I do not see now, have been taken to a different farm for boarding.

These horses, grazing and meandering about the field, have become my daily view of simplicity.  With the break of dawn, I can make out their shapes across the road in the pasture.  Sometimes they are laid out on the grass.  Other times they take their usual position of neck craned forward, head down, silently nibbling, nibbling.  They slowly amble to another area of nibble-worthy grass.  Sometimes in inclement weather, I see someone has placed garments upon their backs to give protection.

The horses more state the appeal for the humble lessons of life.   They live sumptuously simple lives.   Their pace is softly gentle, their communication mostly silent, their existence sincerely serene.  They mostly pass unnoticed in their natural coats and habitat.