I've been busy removing some insulation in a vaulted ceiling in order to just do the job correctly. Right is always right, in the temporal or the spiritual realms.
I did not want to spend a couple more days, at least, tediously measuring and cutting 2x4's and 2x6's in small sections and nail gunning them between the ceiling joists every two feet. I had talked myself into just having the ceiling planking run counter to the flooring boards and opposite direction from other ceilings in the lower level. It is God's time, and I decided to use the time He gives me to do it properly. This must be the way in both the temporal and spiritual life.
I also attempted the water walking I mentioned in the last post, striving to do so in great faith. I went not to one morning Mass at the more local parish (still takes half an hour each way), but I have participated in two morning Masses. It does take courage to go where a priest has said I was not allowed at daily Masses and only at the Saturday evening, and in the cry room behind the plate glass window with little children and parents about. The other parishioners could see me right there, out of place, and in the mystical state, immobilized.
That had not gone well a year ago. I'm thankful my spiritual father said to go, regardless, at least to try out the daily Mass--and not ask permission. If God wants me at Mass, that is enough.
I never know if the state will happen or how it will be. But, it happened per usual, with the onset of His Real Presence in His Living Word. Two things occurred deeply within but allowing me to remember them, and a third temporal thing happened at the end of Mass but before I could speak or move.
Yet, I was being reminded to have compassion for him, and that was that. The other experience I recall during the state at Mass, on Monday, was that much love and energy of healing was flowing through me and aimed to the left, to a man (I knew no one there) who had a suffering in his throat or esophagus. I could hear clearly his difficulty and the tick-type noise emanating every so often. I was shown what a suffering it was--difficult, constant, relentless--and to pray for him as well as allow the flow to the left. So I cooperated in faith.
The temporal intrusion was toward or at the end of Mass when someone tapped my knee and another was concerned, but someone said they noticed my little sign that fortunately I remembered to put on my lap. "Do not disturb. Do not call 911. Meditating." That is what in the past I was directed to write so that people would not worry when they could not rouse me, and thus would not injure me by accident.
I also met a woman that the young couple of the Potato Novena had told me to try to meet. I thought she looked like a secular Carmelite, Discalced, somehow. His Real Presence is so good to help us in all matters! But she could not resist what so many Catholics seem to not be able to stave off: judging, questioning, doubting, and fearing.
I thus mentioned to her, kindly, that she was doing the same thing that others have done, which is not productive. I suggested we should let the phenomenon be as it is in Mass, but otherwise get along and enjoy one another as Christians and Catholics, and allow me to be the otherwise regular person that I am.
But she could not easily move forth from it. She had assumed and then asked me if it was a medical condition. I will not lie so answered it is a spiritual occurrence. From there, she started showing the telltale signs of trying to figure it out in terms of temporal doubt and fear. She repeated three times that I should have a priest guiding me, and sort of shook her head to the negative as if to imply I need more scrutinizing.
Three times I repeated that I do have a priest [and we all have the Great High Priest!] guiding me, and in fact had called him early that morning, and he instructed me to try the daily Mass despite being told a year ago I was not allowed to be there by the parish priest, and also to talk with the orthodox priest of a parish farther away.
Then she asked me if I am a practicing Catholic and mentioned, questioned me as to various aspects of regulations. Just seemed odd, out of place. I realized we were on different wavelengths and cross-purposes just following our participation in the mystical feast, the Mass.
In my 19 years as a Catholic, I have never had the notion or thought to ever ask anyone if he or she is a practicing Catholic. It never came to mind, nor would I have the presumption even if it had. In my 44 years as a Protestant, nothing of the like ever came to mind to ask if one is a practicing Protestant or practicing Christian, or if they are "saved."
I returned to the daily Mass today, Wednesday. The priest takes Tuesday and Saturday off. I decided to because I felt more strongly that I must do as Jesus told me a couple years ago. He showed me parishioners (a clutch of women in foreground and women and men and priests in the background). He said they would criticize and misjudge me, but that I was to pay no attention. (I realize this is repetitive of what I've already shared, but it kept coming to me when praying if I should return to daily Mass here, especially with how the one woman reacted and questioned.)
Today the state was more conscious of the Mass itself, noting parts eliminated but all else flowing, as I do not recall specifics other than the assurance it was all right. But I was told deep within, that these people including the priest are not my judges. Jesus is my judge. I was also told that I am not their judge, either. Jesus is their judge. His Real Presence "nailed it." My heart quickened with these realizations and truths. They are imbedded forever in my will, intellect and very soul.
It came to me that "Be an immolation" includes being so, right there in the Mass amidst our conjoined humanity, and allowing myself to be utilized by His Real Presence in whatever way or means He wills and desires. If it is to be used as a conduit of love and healing to someone either physically there or presented in inner sight, or if it is to be told truths and directives that I need to be told and thus to obey and change my own wretched heart and soul and outlook--just be there and be an immolation of His Love.
As best I can, if bodily pain allows, I will continue in faith, knowing that I am not there for my inclusion or with regard to any interaction or temporal utilization. I am there to be an immolation so that His Real Presence can work in my soul as well as flow through me if He wills and desires, in any ways He wills and desires, for others present in person or in spirit, this world or the other.
I must continue stepping out of the boat and into what can be stormy and fearsome waters, in faith. I must walk across the waters, and if I start to sink, He will reach out and lift me up. Have no fear. Be an immolation. Practice the S of selflessness, by His example and grace.
God bless His Real Presence in us.