Bearing All, Strengthened in All, by God

This morning's first reading from 2 Timothy focuses purpose in this short excerpt:

"but bear your share of hardship for the Gospel
with the strength that comes from God."

This sickening, totally debilitating, upper left back muscle pain persists.  Yet there is slight progress.  I was able to sleep in the night and even awoke with left arm moved in a position that has not at all been possible prior.  It was the pain that awoke me, but even a day ago could not have moved the arm like that.

By early evening, yesterday, the thought came to me that perhaps the Lord is not wanting me to consider trying to finish the hermitage and move elsewhere--not this summer nor in the fall.  Perhaps He wills me to remain here indefinitely, until the money runs dry or I die.

With that thought, I made an offering to God, telling Him that I agree to remain here if that is what He wills.  I do not yet know His Mind as mine.  My thoughts continue to be in my mind--my ideas--yet I also recognize at times those of His ideas, His insights, His thoughts.  With this one, though, the thought that perhaps God's physically truncating me so totally every couple of weeks recently and for months in the winter, is to ask of me to cease my plans to finish and be on my way--yes, perhaps that is God's thought.

I do not know, though.  It could also be that the Lord is asking of me to give up the work efforts and to try to bail out.  Yet, if that is the case, then He'd give me the physical ability to take the necessary steps to even pack up enough to try to market it "as is."  Regardless, there is nothing more to thinking about possibilities than to give the offering I gave, that I am willing to remain here if that is His will.

When we are in process of His Mind replacing our intellects, our thoughts and ideas, His will has to have already replaced our wills.  But we then are aware that our minds must be replaced by His Mind.  In the intervening space of time and experiences of His Will yet still our minds, we live thus with not knowing definitively as we learn to discern, what are His Insights and what remain our thoughts.

In such circumstances of spiritual transition and progression, we must simply be quite open to making offerings of our daily moments and details, of any idea or notion, to Him.  We must repeat the offering of that which might be His Idea, His Thought--agree to it.  Let go of the thoughts and ideas that are probably our own, or at least could be our own notions and reflections.

It is a humbling stance, all this.  Soon we recognize that plans and ideas do not really matter all that much--other than that we go along with the flow of events, not really knowing yet for sure other than to be sure that the Lord's will is unfolding in us, as it is His will now, not ours.  And the thoughts will either be His Mind replacing ours, or it will yet be our ideas trying to make themselves known in a false position of prominence.

Best not to fret about which is what.  Rather, just take the thoughts and agree to that which we had not wanted in what may have been our own ideas or that of others--that which have seemed most logical and practical.  In this instance it has seemed most prudent to get this place finished and sell and move.  There are no obvious, practical reasons to remain in an area in which there are no close contacts, very little financial security, much manual labor involved as well as temporal responsibilities.

I suppose it was the very thought which could be His Insight, of viewing the opposite consideration, that makes it seem all the more likely His Mind giving the thought to offer to remain here, to stop trying to finish the place sooner than later, to just let the current episode of physical incapacitation gradually evolve daily, nightly, and let go of temporal goals.

Just keeping whatever possible of the vegetables, fruits, trees, and flowers watered is monumental.  Each step the body takes is a jolt of sickening pain, yet perhaps today, somehow, the body will be able to get into truck bed and most carefully try to shove off the mulch...maybe even drive the mile or less to get the PVC pipes the woman still has, so that at some point in future I can put them together as supports for bird netting over the berry bushes here.

Yes, it seems a small and insignificant detail.  I have considered that perhaps the Lord is saying "no" to even that plan, although it would be lovely to have some fruit from the bushes this year.  The birds already have helped themselves to plenty, and crows took out all but 3 shoots.  I've replanted the entire corn crop nearly two weeks ago.

Discerning His Mind and Insights from what are yet my thoughts, is definitely a process.  Amidst the pain yesterday, I ended up disengaging from suffering and from suffering the thoughts themselves, by distracting with a British series on YouTube.  News came of some awful situation with a person I've known in the past, who has been shockingly arrested.

This morning I consider the above Scripture and send it in Spirit to the woman undergoing quite painful tests, probably right now, and which will provide answers to a situation which is of dire consequence in her life--of something she and her husband desire deeply, something quite emotionally real and vital.

Many other prayers for souls become interwoven with the immense physical pain of this body.  Yesterday in the suffering, I literally was lifted out of the day in the filmed drama series by the lovely scenery of England and once again the lilting British accents, and observed lives being lived out through the lens of a camera, plot and action unfolding from excellent actors and actresses guided by a talented director.

Really, in a form of our own reality, His Real Presence directs our lives, our actions, our scripts in daily life.  So it is, also, perhaps a help to me in the silence of solitude, to grasp that His Mind is rather like the script such as the program I watched which helped take me in the present moment out of the sickening pain and into other lives elsewhere--scripted lives with their developed and written out lines and situations.

Today brings more of the script that His Real Presence has written for this hamstrung, consecrated Catholic hermit.  Time seems timeless, and I will follow His script, increasingly aware of that which is His script, not my lines but His lines, created and scripted out for me, as He does for everyone.  We simply are not that aware, though, nor maybe have given up our own wills yet, let alone our own minds, our own attempts at writing our own lines, trying to make up our own situations, acting out our own dramas.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Little children, let us love God above all things and one another as Jesus loves us!  Bear all our hardships with the strength that comes from God, for the sake of the Gospel of Jesus Christ!  Just think of it:  the Gospel is the script given us to speak, act, live out each present moment with the Spirit abiding in us and by His Living Word!

Catholic Hermit Reports on Water Walking

I've been busy removing some insulation in a vaulted ceiling in order to just do the job correctly.  Right is always right, in the temporal or the spiritual realms.

I did not want to spend a couple more days, at least, tediously measuring and cutting 2x4's and 2x6's in small sections and nail gunning them between the ceiling joists every two feet.  I had talked myself into just having the ceiling planking run counter to the flooring boards and opposite direction from other ceilings in the lower level.  It is God's time, and I decided to use the time He gives me to do it properly.  This must be the way in both the temporal and spiritual life.

I also attempted the water walking I mentioned in the last post, striving to do so in great faith.  I went not to one morning Mass at the more local parish (still takes half an hour each way), but I have participated in two morning Masses.  It does take courage to go where a priest has said I was not allowed at daily Masses and only at the Saturday evening, and in the cry room behind the plate glass window with little children and parents about.  The other parishioners could see me right there, out of place, and in the mystical state, immobilized.

That had not gone well a year ago.  I'm thankful my spiritual father said to go, regardless, at least to try out the daily Mass--and not ask permission.  If God wants me at Mass, that is enough.

I never know if the state will happen or how it will be.  But, it happened per usual, with the onset of His Real Presence in His Living Word.  Two things occurred deeply within but allowing me to remember them, and a third temporal thing happened at the end of Mass but before I could speak or move.

His Real Presence reminded me to have compassion for this priest who has not wanted to be a parish priest and does the bare minimum.  Even at that, he alters Mass and eliminates much if not most spiritual development in the parish.  These matters and more, are not only from my observation either externally or intuitively.  They are fact.  And part of the reason I stopped attending there was due to the source of anguish during Mass, when celebrated in disarray and disobedience.

Yet, I was being reminded to have compassion for him, and that was that.  The other experience I recall during the state at Mass, on Monday, was that much love and energy of healing was flowing through me and aimed to the left, to a man (I knew no one there) who had a suffering in his throat or esophagus.  I could hear clearly his difficulty and the tick-type noise emanating every so often.  I was shown what a suffering it was--difficult, constant, relentless--and to pray for him as well as allow the flow to the left.  So I cooperated in faith.

The temporal intrusion was toward or at the end of Mass when someone tapped my knee and another was concerned, but someone said they noticed my little sign that fortunately I remembered to put on my lap.  "Do not disturb.  Do not call 911.  Meditating."  That is what in the past I was directed to write so that people would not worry when they could not rouse me, and thus would not injure me by accident.

I also met a woman that the young couple of the Potato Novena had told me to try to meet.  I thought she looked like a secular Carmelite, Discalced, somehow.  His Real Presence is so good to help us in all matters!  But she could not resist what so many Catholics seem to not be able to stave off:  judging, questioning, doubting, and fearing.  

I thus mentioned to her, kindly, that she was doing the same thing that others have done, which is not productive.  I suggested we should let the phenomenon be as it is in Mass, but otherwise get along and enjoy one another as Christians and Catholics, and allow me to be the otherwise regular person that I am.

But she could not easily move forth from it.  She had assumed and then asked me if it was a medical condition.  I will not lie so answered it is a spiritual occurrence.  From there, she started showing the telltale signs of trying to figure it out in terms of temporal doubt and fear.  She repeated three times that I should have a priest guiding me, and sort of shook her head to the negative as if to imply I need more scrutinizing. 

Three times I repeated that I do have a priest [and we all have the Great High Priest!] guiding me, and in fact had called him early that morning, and he instructed me to try the daily Mass despite being told a year ago I was not allowed to be there by the parish priest, and also to talk with the orthodox priest of a parish farther away. 

Then she asked me if I am a practicing Catholic and mentioned, questioned me as to various aspects of regulations.  Just seemed odd, out of place.  I realized we were on different wavelengths and cross-purposes just following our participation in the mystical feast, the Mass.

In my 19 years as a Catholic, I have never had the notion or thought to ever ask anyone if he or she is a practicing Catholic.  It never came to mind, nor would I have the presumption even if it had.  In my 44 years as a Protestant, nothing of the like ever came to mind to ask if one is a practicing Protestant or practicing Christian, or if they are "saved."

 I returned to the daily Mass today, Wednesday.  The priest takes Tuesday and Saturday off.  I decided to because I felt more strongly that I must do as Jesus told me a couple years ago.  He showed me parishioners (a clutch of women in foreground and women and men and priests in the background).  He said they would criticize and misjudge me, but that I was to pay no attention.  (I realize this is repetitive of what I've already shared, but it kept coming to me when praying if I should return to daily Mass here, especially with how the one woman reacted and questioned.)

Today the state was more conscious of the Mass itself, noting parts eliminated but all else flowing, as I do not recall specifics other than the assurance it was all right.  But I was told deep within, that these people including the priest are not my judges.  Jesus is my judge.  I was also told that I am not their judge, either.  Jesus is their judge.  His Real Presence "nailed it."  My heart quickened with these realizations and truths.  They are imbedded forever in my will, intellect and very soul.

 The last couple of days, while sawing and nailing boards, it also came to me in prayer that His Real Presence is expecting me to practice more the fifth S out of the Nine S':  Selflessness.  And this means to be selfless unto Him at Mass, no matter what people think or say, or judge or fear, doubt or scrutinize.  

It came to me that "Be an immolation" includes being so, right there in the Mass amidst our conjoined humanity, and allowing myself to be utilized by His Real Presence in whatever way or means He wills and desires.  If it is to be used as a conduit of love and healing to someone either physically there or presented in inner sight, or if it is to be told truths and directives that I need to be told and thus to obey and change my own wretched heart and soul and outlook--just be there and be an immolation of His Love.

As best I can, if bodily pain allows, I will continue in faith, knowing that I am not there for my inclusion or with regard to any interaction or temporal utilization.  I am there to be an immolation so that His Real Presence can work in my soul as well as flow through me if He wills and desires, in any ways He wills and desires, for others present in person or in spirit, this world or the other.

I must continue stepping out of the boat and into what can be stormy and fearsome waters, in faith.  I must walk across the waters, and if I start to sink, He will reach out and lift me up.  Have no fear.  Be an immolation.  Practice the S of selflessness, by His example and grace.

God bless His Real Presence in us.