Catholic Hermit: Perseverance

Another commentary, this one by St. Gregory the Great (6th c.), speaks to me what I need to hear.  I can read it and ponder from the perspective that I have experienced detraction, mocking, as Job is portrayed; but also I can consider this commentary as one who has cast my thoughts, opinions, and observations which can be, or be taken as, hurtful and abusive,  as well.

As a consecrated Catholic hermit, I'm still very much in on-going training, in process of progression.  I'm physically tired, mostly worn down by pain, and I need to push myself but seem to lack the impetus to be more active, to push through this consistent, higher level of pain in order to do what might help build up strength and energy.

So I have more time in resting, and more time to think.  Even the thoughts can turn in on myself with  frustration and remorse.  I suppose this is part of penance; last night I once again asked the penitent hermit, St. Mary of Egypt, to befriend and guide me--accompany me in this phase of my life in which the Lord is presenting before me a type of portal, unseen but yet very much here, real.  There is little else for me but to wait upon God to help propel me through this phase's portal.

I'll not try to describe further and will write out what Gregory the Great wrote that inspires and reassures.

"'He who is mocked by his neighbor, as I am, will call upon God and he will answer him' (Job 12:4 Vulgate Translation)....But sometimes the soul perseveres in good works with a constant heart, and yet is pushed hard by the scoffing of men; it does admirable deeds, and gets only abuse; and he who might have been encouraged to come out of himself by commendation is repulsed by insults and returns back again into himself.  He establishes himself the more firmly in God, as he finds no place else where he may rest in peace; for all his hope is fixed in his creator.  Amidst ridicule and abuse, he implores only the interior witness.  His soul in distress becomes God's neighbor, in proportion as he is a stranger to the favor of man's esteem.  So he pours himself out in prayer and, hard-pressed from without, is refined with a more perfect purity to enter more deeply into all that is interior.  Therefore, it is well said at this time, 'He who is mocked by his neighbor as I am, will call upon God and he will answer him...'  And while the soul of the good strengthens itself, with compunction, in prayer, it is united within itself in the hearing of the most High, in the very act that severs it from the approval of men outside itself....

"'For the upright man's simplicity is laughed to scorn' (Job 12:4).  It is the wisdom of this world to conceal one's feelings with pretense, to veil the sense with words; to show things that are false as true, and to make out as fallacious what is true.  But on the other hand it is the wisdom of the righteous, to pretend nothing in show, to discover the meaning by words; to love the truth as it is, to avoid falsehood; to set forth good deeds freely, to bear evil more gladly than to do it; to seek no revenge of a wrong, to count ill repute as a gain for the truth's sake.  But this simplicity of the righteous is laughed to scorn, because the goodness of purity is taken for folly by the wise men of this world.  For doubtless everything that is done from innocence is counted foolish by them, and whatever truth sanctions in practice sounds weak to carnal wisdom."

I realize this is much to ponder--these words with such great meaning to any of us who read them.  We might read them placing ourselves as the person being scorned and mocked; or we may be the ones to do the scorning and mocking.  Or we may read the above words thinking we are the upright, that we do not conceal our feelings with pretense, that we have done such good--and that others do not appreciate our righteously good deeds.  

If we do not see ourselves as we are, if pride blinds our self-honesty, we can find ourselves persevering in that which is not God's will in our lives--but merely that which keeps us thinking we are busying ourselves doing good.  Perhaps it is love God wants of us, for Him and for others.  In that, I find the first section of the above saint's writings, to be where we should place our bodies, minds, hearts, and souls.

So I look at myself in realistic honesty, including the surgeon appointment in which my symptoms are most likely more to do now with the Adhesive Arachnoiditis than the remaining time of surgery recovery.  I see my situation, my pain and weariness, my sins, my love for others, my hermit vocation, my love for God--and I know that I must take upon me the action and stance of which Gregory the Great writes:

establish myself the more firmly in God, 
as I find no place else where I may rest in peace; 
for all my hope is fixed in my creator.  
Amidst what abuse of which there is little, 
but more now in my life my own flaws stand out to me, 
I must implore help only from the interior witness, the Holy Spirit.  
My soul in distress must become God's neighbor 
and I must become a stranger to wanting others' favor.  
I must pour myself out in prayer--
for I am hard-pressed from all the temporal about me.  
I must trust God to refine me with a more perfect purity 
in order to enter more deeply into all that is interior.

So I write the above, incorporating the saint's words as a prayer, as a plan of forward movement to and through this portal before me.  Yet even to make myself go for a walk--of which I've not gone for a walk for 10 days--the nausea tries to influence me to remain on the icy pad in bed.  It is past time for a pain med, so perhaps that will help my mind establish itself more in God, and my heart to encourage my mind and body to simply try to walk despite pain, nausea, fatigue--and to push through without thinking about potential, probable, after-effects of the morrow.

I must try, at least.  The spinal stenosis is no longer the main problem; and if I do not try to build up some muscle and stamina to be more out of bed than bed-ridden, then bed-ridden will be the reality.  And I can accept that if I truly cannot manage to push through a bit more, a bit longer, to keep physically going.  I managed the Lyft ride to and from the surgeon's office despite both low-to-ground, light-weight cars.  The nausea has started up in the last half hour, so that is an improvement over most days recently.  

Today's Psalm--The Lord is my Shepherd--encourages me to at least try a physical walk, in which God will carry for me whatever distress.  There is no cure for Adhesive Arachnoiditis, but walking as much and for as long as a person is able, is recommended.  Even if the ride today is having effect sooner than later, entering more firmly into God, and into all that is interior, will always be the best place where I may rest in peace.

It is by perseverance we shall secure our lives.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: Rough Week

As this is of my journey--my spiritual journey as a consecrated Catholic hermit--the truth includes the difficulties, such as this week has for the most part been quite challenging against discouragement that has settled in.  I think it has to do with the level of pain that is unrelenting--more than ever I've had to endure on a steady basis.

(Of course, I exclude the acute pain post-surgery, the pain of the lengthy incision and the extreme pain in any movement at all.  But I was on plenty of medication then, and the anesthetic took awhile to leave the system.  So this pain is not the same type, but it is still far more than the pain I had prior to surgery in the general sense of spinal pain that I bore, which did not include the stenosis issues or disintegrated vertebra.)

This pain now is such that I am worn out.  I find it more comfortable to remain in bed on the icy pad than to try to go for a walk.  I attempted another trial run to the grocery, 1.5 miles away.  That resulted in extreme pain but made it back to the hermitage safely despite my headlights not working properly.  Burned out?  That would be appropriate to my temporal condition, as well!  This time a customer plus checker noted my white face, evidently; the customer started bagging the groceries while the checker called for help to get cart and myself to my truck and groceries and me into the truck.  Yes, I want to say I did a tad better this time than nearly three weeks ago when I tried the errand.

Tomorrow will be four months since the surgery.  I do not sit at the table nor attempt the sofa or lounge chair.  I know just from the Lyft rides, that sitting that amount of time is disastrous, pain-wise.  The effects seem to come the most the next day.  I know I probably should keep trying to walk, trying to get interested in some little thing or other to "do"--even clear off a counter.  But I lack impetus even to read this week, other than Scripture and daily commentary.  Well, I did read through some of the information that came via email regarding the parish course on dreams.  I will read more of that, for it is quite interesting with more on St. Theresa of Avila and St. Joseph, this week.

I decided to see if there were other options to include in handling what I think might be a major part of this pain situation:  the arachnoiditis.  I researched more, this afternoon, and realize I have the "Adhesive Arachnoiditis"--the nerves are clumped within the spinal cord, so adhesion has occurred.  I re-read the unfortunate prognosis of which this rare disease is progressive.  I did find one doctor who thinks there are helps for it in a combination of hormone therapies, steroids or anti-inflammatory medications, more recently created nerve medication typically used for epilepsy, and opioids.

I read about what is not good to try, of which injections of steroids in the spine are considered not good at all as it tends to make the condition and pain worse.  That is exactly what I tried to explain, in vain, to the pain doctor last early July, but he was insistent.  I ended up in ER that night with a most horrific headache that none of the medications I have would help.  At least I know why those injections such as one years ago, cause more pain and problems than worth, cost, and hassle.

There are a few forums of arachnoiditis patients, but some of the persons had not been actually diagnosed, so the profitability not accurate or as helpful.  Those who had been diagnosed had not had it as long as I have, but their symptoms and agony and the progressive nature was tragic and real.  I recognized the symptoms, also, from the additional information I found on specifically Adhesive Arachnoiditis--with again the notation that most doctors will not have heard of it.  But more will become aware, although there is the reminder that not many people actually have the adhesive type, so not to be looking for specialists in AA, anytime soon.

That is fine.  I simply need to get on top of the pain and discern if best I remain in bed, or if I should try to make myself go for a daily walk.  I am so discouraged with the slightest effort increasing pain to a point that I have trouble managing it; yet I know that walking and stretching are about the only physical helps recommended as far as exercise per se.  A major point for that is to increase oxygen flow which is always good for nerves, muscles, and tissues.

Installing an electro-stimulator is not recommended; it is thought that only increases likelihood of pain issues from the surgical install, and the help for adhesive arachnoiditis minimal to nil.  Since the symptoms and pain worsen with time, some have morphine pumps installed.  But the good of researching more and of reading a few persons' experiences, seems as well to not go the pump route; they require maintenance.

All I know for sure is that this week has been most challenging thus far since surgery, regarding the consistency higher level of pain and the reality that other than remaining in bed on icy pack, any activity makes the pain worse and fatigues me further.  Yet, I pray the Lord help me to go for a walk tomorrow.  I know that the exercise and oxygen flow through the body is healthy.  Perhaps I need to increase the medication dose to offset the added pain of going for a walk. I have no idea how one walk a day and the rest of the time in bed is going to affect the body over a long period of time; I've never had to be down so much over this length of time.  The pain sieges would be a few days to on occasion a few weeks if pneumonia or other illness included.

But whatever else, I do need to get my courage up, the attitude up, the spiritual reading up, the body up--and maybe the pain meds up until perhaps a little walking daily over more weeks and months will build up some type of stamina to not need to be in bed all or as much of the time as now.  And I'm also praying that the Holy Spirit help me, somehow, supernaturally handle this level of pain.  I hope in God He knows this is getting to be too much.  Obviously, He knows.  We're together in this place, this Solus Deus Hermitage, in this room.

I'm praying for whoever out there has Adhesive Arachnoiditis.  I appreciated reading a couple or three stories of people who have it, unfortunately so; and yes, they were persecuted, particularly if not diagnosed for several years. I could relate.  Plus, it is confusing to the patient him- or herself, in that the symptoms also develop and increase over time.  I guess it is good to information gather; I'm thankful for the few forums I noticed.  I also realize that it can be quite sad, thus fact-find but remain focused on my eremitic vocation!

I'm really only going to get through however many years left of increasing pain, by the grace of God.  So I'm hunkering in with the Lord, praying for others (yes, this week I have been keeping up with prayers for others even though my prayers have been droopy perhaps!).  Just have to hang on to Christ and know He's got a far greater and stronger grip on me.

God bless His Real Presence in us!