Catholic Hermit: Perseverance

Another commentary, this one by St. Gregory the Great (6th c.), speaks to me what I need to hear.  I can read it and ponder from the perspective that I have experienced detraction, mocking, as Job is portrayed; but also I can consider this commentary as one who has cast my thoughts, opinions, and observations which can be, or be taken as, hurtful and abusive,  as well.

As a consecrated Catholic hermit, I'm still very much in on-going training, in process of progression.  I'm physically tired, mostly worn down by pain, and I need to push myself but seem to lack the impetus to be more active, to push through this consistent, higher level of pain in order to do what might help build up strength and energy.

So I have more time in resting, and more time to think.  Even the thoughts can turn in on myself with  frustration and remorse.  I suppose this is part of penance; last night I once again asked the penitent hermit, St. Mary of Egypt, to befriend and guide me--accompany me in this phase of my life in which the Lord is presenting before me a type of portal, unseen but yet very much here, real.  There is little else for me but to wait upon God to help propel me through this phase's portal.

I'll not try to describe further and will write out what Gregory the Great wrote that inspires and reassures.

"'He who is mocked by his neighbor, as I am, will call upon God and he will answer him' (Job 12:4 Vulgate Translation)....But sometimes the soul perseveres in good works with a constant heart, and yet is pushed hard by the scoffing of men; it does admirable deeds, and gets only abuse; and he who might have been encouraged to come out of himself by commendation is repulsed by insults and returns back again into himself.  He establishes himself the more firmly in God, as he finds no place else where he may rest in peace; for all his hope is fixed in his creator.  Amidst ridicule and abuse, he implores only the interior witness.  His soul in distress becomes God's neighbor, in proportion as he is a stranger to the favor of man's esteem.  So he pours himself out in prayer and, hard-pressed from without, is refined with a more perfect purity to enter more deeply into all that is interior.  Therefore, it is well said at this time, 'He who is mocked by his neighbor as I am, will call upon God and he will answer him...'  And while the soul of the good strengthens itself, with compunction, in prayer, it is united within itself in the hearing of the most High, in the very act that severs it from the approval of men outside itself....

"'For the upright man's simplicity is laughed to scorn' (Job 12:4).  It is the wisdom of this world to conceal one's feelings with pretense, to veil the sense with words; to show things that are false as true, and to make out as fallacious what is true.  But on the other hand it is the wisdom of the righteous, to pretend nothing in show, to discover the meaning by words; to love the truth as it is, to avoid falsehood; to set forth good deeds freely, to bear evil more gladly than to do it; to seek no revenge of a wrong, to count ill repute as a gain for the truth's sake.  But this simplicity of the righteous is laughed to scorn, because the goodness of purity is taken for folly by the wise men of this world.  For doubtless everything that is done from innocence is counted foolish by them, and whatever truth sanctions in practice sounds weak to carnal wisdom."

I realize this is much to ponder--these words with such great meaning to any of us who read them.  We might read them placing ourselves as the person being scorned and mocked; or we may be the ones to do the scorning and mocking.  Or we may read the above words thinking we are the upright, that we do not conceal our feelings with pretense, that we have done such good--and that others do not appreciate our righteously good deeds.  

If we do not see ourselves as we are, if pride blinds our self-honesty, we can find ourselves persevering in that which is not God's will in our lives--but merely that which keeps us thinking we are busying ourselves doing good.  Perhaps it is love God wants of us, for Him and for others.  In that, I find the first section of the above saint's writings, to be where we should place our bodies, minds, hearts, and souls.

So I look at myself in realistic honesty, including the surgeon appointment in which my symptoms are most likely more to do now with the Adhesive Arachnoiditis than the remaining time of surgery recovery.  I see my situation, my pain and weariness, my sins, my love for others, my hermit vocation, my love for God--and I know that I must take upon me the action and stance of which Gregory the Great writes:

establish myself the more firmly in God, 
as I find no place else where I may rest in peace; 
for all my hope is fixed in my creator.  
Amidst what abuse of which there is little, 
but more now in my life my own flaws stand out to me, 
I must implore help only from the interior witness, the Holy Spirit.  
My soul in distress must become God's neighbor 
and I must become a stranger to wanting others' favor.  
I must pour myself out in prayer--
for I am hard-pressed from all the temporal about me.  
I must trust God to refine me with a more perfect purity 
in order to enter more deeply into all that is interior.

So I write the above, incorporating the saint's words as a prayer, as a plan of forward movement to and through this portal before me.  Yet even to make myself go for a walk--of which I've not gone for a walk for 10 days--the nausea tries to influence me to remain on the icy pad in bed.  It is past time for a pain med, so perhaps that will help my mind establish itself more in God, and my heart to encourage my mind and body to simply try to walk despite pain, nausea, fatigue--and to push through without thinking about potential, probable, after-effects of the morrow.

I must try, at least.  The spinal stenosis is no longer the main problem; and if I do not try to build up some muscle and stamina to be more out of bed than bed-ridden, then bed-ridden will be the reality.  And I can accept that if I truly cannot manage to push through a bit more, a bit longer, to keep physically going.  I managed the Lyft ride to and from the surgeon's office despite both low-to-ground, light-weight cars.  The nausea has started up in the last half hour, so that is an improvement over most days recently.  

Today's Psalm--The Lord is my Shepherd--encourages me to at least try a physical walk, in which God will carry for me whatever distress.  There is no cure for Adhesive Arachnoiditis, but walking as much and for as long as a person is able, is recommended.  Even if the ride today is having effect sooner than later, entering more firmly into God, and into all that is interior, will always be the best place where I may rest in peace.

It is by perseverance we shall secure our lives.

God bless His Real Presence in us!

Catholic Hermit: Silence, Solitude--Some Books

I got up a bit ago and quickly jotted down some books I noted from my bookshelves.  Not all my books are unpacked, and various of the old books have sections in them on topics such as silence and solitude pertaining to hermits, prayer, contemplative and monastic life, and the spiritual life.  I might add to this list when I'm feeling better and have more "standing" endurance with the spinal pain, to look through the titles more carefully.  But here's a start of books which focus mainly on the two topics pertinent to hermits:  silence of solitude.  Formative reading material, all!

At One with God,  Leclerc, Jean-Louis

The Contemplative Life,  Leclerc, Jean-Louis

The Call of Silent Love,  A Carthusian

The Way of Silent Love,   A Carthusian

They Speak By Silences,  A Carthusian

Contemplative Life,  A Carthusian

Where Silence is Praise,  A Carthusian

The Prayer of Love and Silence,  A Carthusian

The Hermitage Within,  A Monk

Listening to Silence,  Lockhart, Bruce

Solitude and Communion:  Papers on the Carthusian Life,  Attchil, ed.

The Interior Life,  Tissot, J.

Thoughts in Solitude,  Merton, Thomas

Catholic Hermit: Evolving Vocation

What evolves in this consecrated Catholic hermit's vocation is that the hermit thinks less and less about vocation and more and more about being a child of His Real Presence.  

There actually are few externals to monitor; God handles all that, naturally.  The hermit notices, realizes, and cooperates for there are no options, thankfully.  He chooses the pain sieges' timing and duration.  He chooses the rare visitor and the rare outing for provisions.  He curtails availability of external distractions. He keeps the finances constrained and the life style extremely simple.

What the hermit can choose and can monitor, are the interior aspects--and these are the aspects that any Christian would and could choose and monitor.  It is all a matter of degrees in the interior, spiritual life-climb.  And the ascent is not consistent for who is perfect who we know, mortal, on this earth?  The soul ascends through choices; yet even the semblance of choosing is by and in God's will and allowing.  The Holy Spirit teaches and gifts with graces to think, choose, feel, do, and be.

We may pray to always be becoming.  To be ascending spiritually, or to be going deeper spiritually, or both in the same motion.  All that is for God to figure and ordain; we pray and use our intellects and wills freely given us, and the ascent is paced accordingly to these and some other factors.  Too much thought on it, slows the process.  Some human choices bring the soul to lesser degrees. Who can be at the pinnacle of spiritual perfection--a glimpse, a foothold, a breath?  Then we recede, we drop back some.  The view, the footing, the air is too profound for mortals to sustain.  It is all to be expected and all right.

Physical pain seems to be this hermit's major hindrance, underlying activity, thoughts, feelings and even impinges upon the will, in the earthly sense.  The effect to compare is that of existing in water for lengthier periods of time, holding the breath for longer and longer.  Yet we will never become an embryo again in our mothers' wombs, existing without need of earthly air, food, water.

We now have earthly considerations and responsibilities.  The most, recently, this hermit has pondered of the hermit vocation is to be in awe of the early eremites--the early desert mothers and fathers and the extreme degrees of solitude and silence in which some of them lived.  Some did not see other humans for weeks and months and even years (in a few cases--but so many were not known at all, so how do we know?).  

For this hermit, the pain, health, and finances increasingly determine the silence and solitude and slowness.  God's Hand is on this life, this existence--once we let go and stop shoving our goals into His Face.  We think we do not do this--how rude!  But yes, we do it over and over in our lives.  We have our ideas and make our plans, praying for guidance from Him but often not waiting for answers.  Or, it seems He lets us try out many of our plans and goals in His largesse of kindness.  He knows this is partly how we learn, and learn well.

We learn to let go of our plans and goals, sooner or later, and begin to grasp that He all along has been setting out the Plan and the Goal.  His Plan and Goal is spiritual growth and union with Him, to remain in His Love, to be a branch on His Vine, to be gift to Jesus and to be gifted of graces by His Real Presence.

It is harrowing (this hermit finds) to be in the more severe pruning phases.  It is harrowing to not know from one day to the next, nor to have control over the bodily strength and pain and efforts.  The hermit knows not if it can keep on here, if anyone is going to help with the tasks that require another's much stronger hands and back.  All this is training grounds for the soul in enduring with increasing, if not total, faith.  

Total faith is necessary at some point in our lives, even if that point is in our dying moments.

And while on earth, we are prisoners of our bodily frames, to pain, and to temporal duties and laws. Yet even in prison, God has His Plan and His Goal for each of us, and He monitors and controls the externals when we recognize where we are, and allow some relief in not having to be the driver but rather the passenger.  We can relax, look out the window (if our cell has one and if not, and better, look out the window of our soul).  

We can sing love and praise songs--even beseeching songs--in our minds and hearts.  We can pray silently and praise God, no matter what.  We can love His Real Presence and love others.  These are within our means, grasp, doing, and being. 

A friend from where the hermit used to live is visiting her adult son and family. The friend and son are coming today to the hermitage to help the hermit in whatever physical ways the hermit would appreciate.  It is an unexpected gift yet why should it be?  The hermit had asked the Lord at some point a week ago to please send some human help!

However, the hermit felt a bit guilty regarding the Lord sending this friend who has come from afar to spend a week with the son and his family.  Still, the friend insists, and wants to visit the hermit and help for a few hours.  The efforts will be gentle and simple, not a push nor rush.  The love and the conversation of three Christians together and the two's generous gift of time, effort, cost, and presence to make the added trip to this place of exile, is glorious, truly.

God bless His Real Presence in us!  Let us love one another as He loves us!  Remain in His Love! How hard is that?  An irony, for remaining in His love from our human thought and willful control is not easy because enduring in total faith is an evolving, self-emptying process.  

So we see, dear readers, that when we enter the interior landscape of the soul and the soul's love of and seeking His Real Presence and His Love, regardless our various, holy, temporal vocations-- spiritually God-consecrated that they all are--the Plan and the Goal belong to His Real Presence.  His pathways lead each soul toward the common pinnacle:  loving union in Him.