As this is of my journey--my spiritual journey as a consecrated Catholic hermit--the truth includes the difficulties, such as this week has for the most part been quite challenging against discouragement that has settled in. I think it has to do with the level of pain that is unrelenting--more than ever I've had to endure on a steady basis.
(Of course, I exclude the acute pain post-surgery, the pain of the lengthy incision and the extreme pain in any movement at all. But I was on plenty of medication then, and the anesthetic took awhile to leave the system. So this pain is not the same type, but it is still far more than the pain I had prior to surgery in the general sense of spinal pain that I bore, which did not include the stenosis issues or disintegrated vertebra.)
This pain now is such that I am worn out. I find it more comfortable to remain in bed on the icy pad than to try to go for a walk. I attempted another trial run to the grocery, 1.5 miles away. That resulted in extreme pain but made it back to the hermitage safely despite my headlights not working properly. Burned out? That would be appropriate to my temporal condition, as well! This time a customer plus checker noted my white face, evidently; the customer started bagging the groceries while the checker called for help to get cart and myself to my truck and groceries and me into the truck. Yes, I want to say I did a tad better this time than nearly three weeks ago when I tried the errand.
Tomorrow will be four months since the surgery. I do not sit at the table nor attempt the sofa or lounge chair. I know just from the Lyft rides, that sitting that amount of time is disastrous, pain-wise. The effects seem to come the most the next day. I know I probably should keep trying to walk, trying to get interested in some little thing or other to "do"--even clear off a counter. But I lack impetus even to read this week, other than Scripture and daily commentary. Well, I did read through some of the information that came via email regarding the parish course on dreams. I will read more of that, for it is quite interesting with more on St. Theresa of Avila and St. Joseph, this week.
I decided to see if there were other options to include in handling what I think might be a major part of this pain situation: the arachnoiditis. I researched more, this afternoon, and realize I have the "Adhesive Arachnoiditis"--the nerves are clumped within the spinal cord, so adhesion has occurred. I re-read the unfortunate prognosis of which this rare disease is progressive. I did find one doctor who thinks there are helps for it in a combination of hormone therapies, steroids or anti-inflammatory medications, more recently created nerve medication typically used for epilepsy, and opioids.
I read about what is not good to try, of which injections of steroids in the spine are considered not good at all as it tends to make the condition and pain worse. That is exactly what I tried to explain, in vain, to the pain doctor last early July, but he was insistent. I ended up in ER that night with a most horrific headache that none of the medications I have would help. At least I know why those injections such as one years ago, cause more pain and problems than worth, cost, and hassle.
There are a few forums of arachnoiditis patients, but some of the persons had not been actually diagnosed, so the profitability not accurate or as helpful. Those who had been diagnosed had not had it as long as I have, but their symptoms and agony and the progressive nature was tragic and real. I recognized the symptoms, also, from the additional information I found on specifically Adhesive Arachnoiditis--with again the notation that most doctors will not have heard of it. But more will become aware, although there is the reminder that not many people actually have the adhesive type, so not to be looking for specialists in AA, anytime soon.
That is fine. I simply need to get on top of the pain and discern if best I remain in bed, or if I should try to make myself go for a daily walk. I am so discouraged with the slightest effort increasing pain to a point that I have trouble managing it; yet I know that walking and stretching are about the only physical helps recommended as far as exercise per se. A major point for that is to increase oxygen flow which is always good for nerves, muscles, and tissues.
Installing an electro-stimulator is not recommended; it is thought that only increases likelihood of pain issues from the surgical install, and the help for adhesive arachnoiditis minimal to nil. Since the symptoms and pain worsen with time, some have morphine pumps installed. But the good of researching more and of reading a few persons' experiences, seems as well to not go the pump route; they require maintenance.
All I know for sure is that this week has been most challenging thus far since surgery, regarding the consistency higher level of pain and the reality that other than remaining in bed on icy pack, any activity makes the pain worse and fatigues me further. Yet, I pray the Lord help me to go for a walk tomorrow. I know that the exercise and oxygen flow through the body is healthy. Perhaps I need to increase the medication dose to offset the added pain of going for a walk. I have no idea how one walk a day and the rest of the time in bed is going to affect the body over a long period of time; I've never had to be down so much over this length of time. The pain sieges would be a few days to on occasion a few weeks if pneumonia or other illness included.
But whatever else, I do need to get my courage up, the attitude up, the spiritual reading up, the body up--and maybe the pain meds up until perhaps a little walking daily over more weeks and months will build up some type of stamina to not need to be in bed all or as much of the time as now. And I'm also praying that the Holy Spirit help me, somehow, supernaturally handle this level of pain. I hope in God He knows this is getting to be too much. Obviously, He knows. We're together in this place, this Solus Deus Hermitage, in this room.
I'm praying for whoever out there has Adhesive Arachnoiditis. I appreciated reading a couple or three stories of people who have it, unfortunately so; and yes, they were persecuted, particularly if not diagnosed for several years. I could relate. Plus, it is confusing to the patient him- or herself, in that the symptoms also develop and increase over time. I guess it is good to information gather; I'm thankful for the few forums I noticed. I also realize that it can be quite sad, thus fact-find but remain focused on my eremitic vocation!
I'm really only going to get through however many years left of increasing pain, by the grace of God. So I'm hunkering in with the Lord, praying for others (yes, this week I have been keeping up with prayers for others even though my prayers have been droopy perhaps!). Just have to hang on to Christ and know He's got a far greater and stronger grip on me.
God bless His Real Presence in us!
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