Another commentary, this one by St. Gregory the Great (6th c.), speaks to me what I need to hear. I can read it and ponder from the perspective that I have experienced detraction, mocking, as Job is portrayed; but also I can consider this commentary as one who has cast my thoughts, opinions, and observations which can be, or be taken as, hurtful and abusive, as well.
As a consecrated Catholic hermit, I'm still very much in on-going training, in process of progression. I'm physically tired, mostly worn down by pain, and I need to push myself but seem to lack the impetus to be more active, to push through this consistent, higher level of pain in order to do what might help build up strength and energy.
So I have more time in resting, and more time to think. Even the thoughts can turn in on myself with frustration and remorse. I suppose this is part of penance; last night I once again asked the penitent hermit, St. Mary of Egypt, to befriend and guide me--accompany me in this phase of my life in which the Lord is presenting before me a type of portal, unseen but yet very much here, real. There is little else for me but to wait upon God to help propel me through this phase's portal.
I'll not try to describe further and will write out what Gregory the Great wrote that inspires and reassures.
"'He who is mocked by his neighbor, as I am, will call upon God and he will answer him' (Job 12:4 Vulgate Translation)....But sometimes the soul perseveres in good works with a constant heart, and yet is pushed hard by the scoffing of men; it does admirable deeds, and gets only abuse; and he who might have been encouraged to come out of himself by commendation is repulsed by insults and returns back again into himself. He establishes himself the more firmly in God, as he finds no place else where he may rest in peace; for all his hope is fixed in his creator. Amidst ridicule and abuse, he implores only the interior witness. His soul in distress becomes God's neighbor, in proportion as he is a stranger to the favor of man's esteem. So he pours himself out in prayer and, hard-pressed from without, is refined with a more perfect purity to enter more deeply into all that is interior. Therefore, it is well said at this time, 'He who is mocked by his neighbor as I am, will call upon God and he will answer him...' And while the soul of the good strengthens itself, with compunction, in prayer, it is united within itself in the hearing of the most High, in the very act that severs it from the approval of men outside itself....
"'For the upright man's simplicity is laughed to scorn' (Job 12:4). It is the wisdom of this world to conceal one's feelings with pretense, to veil the sense with words; to show things that are false as true, and to make out as fallacious what is true. But on the other hand it is the wisdom of the righteous, to pretend nothing in show, to discover the meaning by words; to love the truth as it is, to avoid falsehood; to set forth good deeds freely, to bear evil more gladly than to do it; to seek no revenge of a wrong, to count ill repute as a gain for the truth's sake. But this simplicity of the righteous is laughed to scorn, because the goodness of purity is taken for folly by the wise men of this world. For doubtless everything that is done from innocence is counted foolish by them, and whatever truth sanctions in practice sounds weak to carnal wisdom."
I realize this is much to ponder--these words with such great meaning to any of us who read them. We might read them placing ourselves as the person being scorned and mocked; or we may be the ones to do the scorning and mocking. Or we may read the above words thinking we are the upright, that we do not conceal our feelings with pretense, that we have done such good--and that others do not appreciate our righteously good deeds.
If we do not see ourselves as we are, if pride blinds our self-honesty, we can find ourselves persevering in that which is not God's will in our lives--but merely that which keeps us thinking we are busying ourselves doing good. Perhaps it is love God wants of us, for Him and for others. In that, I find the first section of the above saint's writings, to be where we should place our bodies, minds, hearts, and souls.
So I look at myself in realistic honesty, including the surgeon appointment in which my symptoms are most likely more to do now with the Adhesive Arachnoiditis than the remaining time of surgery recovery. I see my situation, my pain and weariness, my sins, my love for others, my hermit vocation, my love for God--and I know that I must take upon me the action and stance of which Gregory the Great writes:
establish myself the more firmly in God,
as I find no place else where I may rest in peace;
for all my hope is fixed in my creator.
Amidst what abuse of which there is little,
but more now in my life my own flaws stand out to me,
I must implore help only from the interior witness, the Holy Spirit.
My soul in distress must become God's neighbor
and I must become a stranger to wanting others' favor.
I must pour myself out in prayer--
for I am hard-pressed from all the temporal about me.
I must trust God to refine me with a more perfect purity
in order to enter more deeply into all that is interior.
So I write the above, incorporating the saint's words as a prayer, as a plan of forward movement to and through this portal before me. Yet even to make myself go for a walk--of which I've not gone for a walk for 10 days--the nausea tries to influence me to remain on the icy pad in bed. It is past time for a pain med, so perhaps that will help my mind establish itself more in God, and my heart to encourage my mind and body to simply try to walk despite pain, nausea, fatigue--and to push through without thinking about potential, probable, after-effects of the morrow.
I must try, at least. The spinal stenosis is no longer the main problem; and if I do not try to build up some muscle and stamina to be more out of bed than bed-ridden, then bed-ridden will be the reality. And I can accept that if I truly cannot manage to push through a bit more, a bit longer, to keep physically going. I managed the Lyft ride to and from the surgeon's office despite both low-to-ground, light-weight cars. The nausea has started up in the last half hour, so that is an improvement over most days recently.
Today's Psalm--The Lord is my Shepherd--encourages me to at least try a physical walk, in which God will carry for me whatever distress. There is no cure for Adhesive Arachnoiditis, but walking as much and for as long as a person is able, is recommended. Even if the ride today is having effect sooner than later, entering more firmly into God, and into all that is interior, will always be the best place where I may rest in peace.
It is by perseverance we shall secure our lives.
God bless His Real Presence in us!
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